[Summer; Swimming] A Strong Heart, A Brave One 2.2
Previous
Kyungri searched for a meaning in Minha's eyes, who released herself from her hold, walking away and found nothing but her own fear.
"What are you talking about?"
"We'll practice at the university's pool for the remaining days here, from morning till night. If you're agreeing to join us, you need to start today."
"What, no, stop!" She faced her, "You don't love me? Is that it? Is that why you left?"
"I didn't say that."
"Then what are you saying, Minha? Explain to me why did you leave if you knew I loved you!"
"I didn't know everything! Why did you refuse it, and why did you lie! But your mother knew, and she knew how to use that against me."
"If you were trusting me, you wouldn't have believed her, Minha!" She couldn't take those words back. Part of her didn't want to.
Both of them held each other with an angry gaze.
"I wasn't entirely wrong for that, was I?"
It showed clearly now, Minha's rage. In her voice, "How is wanting to marry someone means cheating on them?!"
"I didn't cheat on you! What is it that you want to believe me when I say that? A proof? That when I was with her I was wishing it was you?!" She couldn't stop her anger from being let out either. "You know what, let me ask you since we're at it."
Kyungri hated what she was feeling, "How is fucking someone you don't love, or trust any more, just the night before you leave was fair? Huh?! Were you really that desperate to f--"
The pain on her left cheek was as instant as the slap's sound itself. But what shook her the most was Minha's sob escaping her lips, and the tears bursting from her eyes.
"I still love you!" Minha was shaking. "I was with you that night because I loved you! I always did. What do you think it did to me to hear that you didn't? To hear her say I'm weak? That you think I'm weak?"
Kyungri didn't look away, her anger and the words it helped to create escaped the moment Minha's tears trickled down her cheeks, falling.
She clenched her hands when Minha shouted again, Tell me! What do you think I felt? Her own tears swelled in her eyes. She knew what Minha meant, she knew her fears and worries.
But just like Minha's anger showed in the blink of an eye, it disappeared. "You said you can take a break from internship if you wanted, can you still act like my friend?!"
It disappeared, leaving the tears marking the cheeks she wanted to caress.
,
Morning's quietness didn't help Kyungri soften the frown that was stuck to her face the moment Minha closed the door behind her a couple of hours ago. And the nice melody that the birds created only annoyed her.
Choices and meanings within these choices had her lost, but to be found, in Minha's arms again. She hoped for that at least.
But was she heading to the pool as a friend like Minha asked? Probably. Yes, of course. With the love that was hurting, that made her on edge, hugging that beautiful friendship they used to share.
Still share, Kyungri sighed her anger repeatedly.
Kyungri entered the pool with barely one expectation of how good her swimming still was. She needed to fix this, she wanted to fix it with all of her heart.
They both hurt one another, and pulling her end of the rope wasn't the best choice.
The faint voices that reached her ears disappeared the moment she got inside. How bright the place was, and how warm, she remembered a scene like it. The placement of benches and the moving water, they were almost the same as the place in her memories from high school.
One of the women approached her with a wide smile that her own lips couldn't reflect. She noticed Minha in the water, swimming in free style with another girl. A third one was watching the two.
"Hello! You came! We were waiting for you, hi, I'm Sungah, the coach."
"Hi."
She extended her hand to shake hers, hoping the smile she gave wasn't obviously forced. "Nice to meet you." She added with more effort.
Sungah gestured for her to follow her. "There is only two weeks left before leaving for May Byul lake, and I just..." She paused, facing her. "Thank you so much for joining. The girls and I really appreciate it. We were really anticipating the competition, and the thought that we might not join... just, thank you so much for doing this."
Kyungri blinked, noticing the watery sparkles Sungah's eyes, which made her nervous. Minha better told them how many 1st's she scored in her swimming days.
"I'm not sure how good of a help I'll be to be honest. It's been a long time."
"Don't worry about that, the competition will be on four rounds bases. What you won't be able to achieve in your round, the girls will make up for it in theirs." She spoke with excitement, "Just you being here is already a big help."
"But how is that possible with the teams that have more than four swimmers?" Kyungri remembered what Minha said earlier.
"Oh, it doesn't make a difference. They'll get divided and all swimmers will play against each other." She smiled to her as they continued walking, "Come on, let's get you ready for practice."
,
Okay, Kyungri stood calmly at the edge of the pool, okay, she repeated, evening her breaths, and trying to recall what to do.
She was never a big fan of swimming, although it did end up being a fun experience, and how she first became friends with Minha. She just needed the extra grades, and well, having someone to teach her how to not place last in something was a plus.
"Whenever you're ready."
She looked at Sungah, whose smile was small but encouraging.
Kyungri's worry of embarrassing herself, and Minha, didn't subside. She took a deep breath, and released it fully. Her heart's rate was as it should be, and the way her focus; her thoughts and emotions started to change their direction to the water was as she remembered it.
This was the only way she can be with Minha again, with her remaining anger, and her pride that insisted on having a part in this conflict, she was aiming to fix what was broken.
Kyungri positioned herself to dive, her knees bent, and arms stretched so she can touch her toes. She took another deep breath, letting go of her weight towards the water. Before a second could reach its half, she pushed herself.
And she did it right, Kyungri realized the moment she kicked the water and kept going.
,
When Minha decided to ask Kyungri, after waiting till almost midnight for someone to come, and then spending the rest of that night thinking what a selfish thing it was to do, she realized that talking with Kyungri would have never harm them as silence did. And it was still a selfish thing to do.
"Are you coming?" Hyemi asked, closing her locker.
She had been staring at nowhere for quite a few minutes now. Waiting.
"In a minute."
A couple of days passed, and Kyungri didn't slacken in catching up to them. A letter from the university helped in getting Kyungri break much faster, with only two hours of work in the morning for a few more days.
"Kyungri," Minha called when it was just the two of them, getting ready for practice. She turned to look at her, the latter still facing her locker, "Thanks for being here."
She continued when Kyungri didn't say anything, "And I'm sorry. For slapping you."
After a moment of doing nothing but silence, Kyungri spoke in a tone that Minha knew very well. "Guess I deserved it. I shouldn't have said that." I'm mad at you, that tone would tell, I'm stubbornly mad at you.
"You kind of did... deserve it."
"Yeah? Like I deserved just a letter? Your silence for months?" She faced her. Perhaps ready to pick up a fight.
"No." It was the truth. "I'm sorry for that too."
Minha got up, "I made the wrong decision, and I don't know how to fix it, Kyungri. But... I had to leave, I just needed to be away from you."
Wrinkles showed on Kyungri's forehead, "You do realize we'll be together for the next weeks? How is this "Being away from me"?
"Being in the same place doesn't mean being together, Kyungri. Not even by a little."
Kyungri was quick to replace the surprise in her widened eyes with a frown, looking away, making Minha realize how her words sounded.
"Wow. You really despise me that much." Kyungri turned and closed her locker a bit roughly to the quietness of the lockers' room that it made her flinch. "And here I was thinking doing this would make you forgive me."
"It isn't about you any more, Kyungri." She quickly said, showing more of what all of this was about. Of what she had seen, and what she still doesn't want to share with Kyungri. "There are things that I need to understand, about myself, about my life." She neared her, turning her hands into tensed fists, wanting that torturing need to hold Kyungri and embrace her to go away. "I hurt you a lot, Kyungri, and I don't know if I can forgive myself for that, but... I hurt myself too."
Kyungri didn't look at her again, and Minha didn't wait for an answer.
"I owe you for helping us in this, but it doesn't change anything between us."
"Are you still leaving me?"
Kyungri's voice came before she could make a step to leave.
"I don't know." Minha knew her words won't bring any good, but saying what she couldn't feel won't help either.
,
Certainly, though, what Minha meant by Not even by a little never included not watching Kyungri swimming for her entire break.
"Careful not hurt your neck."
Hyemi's elated voice made her frown. She turned to her left, the water that let her body partly lose its weight in it now was more stirred as Hyemi swam towards her. She rested her head on her folded arms.
"Go away."
"Why? So you can be a creep?" Hyemi said, holding the edge to settle next to her.
"Look who's talking. Did Sojin finally told you to get lost?"
Hyemi's shocked eyes didn't fool Minha, nor did her wide opened mouth. "She would never!" But the hand that started poking at her side did surprise her, making her lose her balance.
"Idiot!"
Minha was almost fully underwater if it wasn't for that same hand holding her up. She coughed a bit of water that got into her mouth when she laughed.
She cleared her throat, rubbing her eyes as Hyemi's arm kept her steady.
"Don't do that again!"
"Say sorry first."
"Stop joking."
"I'm not telling you how she asked me out then."
"She asked you out? Why?!"
Minha quickly pushed Hyemi away before she could poke her again, the older girl's laughter sounding loudly, creating lightness that took over the atmosphere around her. She couldn't stop laughing as her friend kept trying to poke her before she finally gave up, their laughter that became one lingering a bit.
Minha adjusted herself as both of them settled calmly, her smile still on her face. It was nice to have that, a reason to smile; to feel better.
"How is she doing?" Hyemi asked when the silence mixed with the sound of water, calming... caring, her arm still surrounding Minha's middle.
"Giving her best." She was staring at the wall, "Swimming wasn't really her favorite thing."
"And you? How are you doing?"
Minha thought about it, as complicated as it was months ago, it became simple. Clear like the water that cheered her up. "I don't know." She answered, focusing on the dim light of the sun that added a beauty to the wall. "I love her... I still love her so much, but I am not sure I want to be with her."
"That... doesn't even make sense. Why is it so complicated with you two?" Hyemi asked, laughing softly.
Minha shared that laugh with her, "Actually, that is the simpler version."
,
Another day passed, one more day less till they leave. Sungah told her she was getting better in swimming, but to her it was more than that. And that was probably what kept her smiling as they wrapped up the night. It also might be what made her unaware of Hyemi talking to her.
"Hm? Did you say something?"
"Ugh, no, I didn't say anything while you were staring at Kyungri."
It took Minha a second to realize what she heard, she looked at Hyemi, before walking past her. "I wasn't staring." Kyungri was listening to what Sungah was telling her, nodding her head at each word.
"If it makes you sleep tonight. How did you two meet?"
Minha ignored her note, answering, "Second year of high school." A memory that was her favorite, always brightening her mood, appearing with its details in her head. "She was trying to dog-paddle."
A gasp was Hyemi's first reaction, she turned to her only to see her eyes shimmering with a smile.
"Dog-paddle? She couldn't dog-paddle? That's so cute. God, you're too mean for someone who couldn't paddle."
Minha tried to hit her, but Hyemi had run out of her reach in a way that made her burst in laughter rather than catch up to her. Hyemi's steps were barely considered running as she tried to not slip with her wet feet.
"You're only saying that because I'm leading in having the last round." In the competition. Best players' round.
"By one point!" Hyemi shouted from behind her locker's door. "I'm getting it back, don't be too happy."
"We'll see."
Minha calmly said, hearing Kyungri's laugh. She turned, without a second thought, the older girl was talking with Sojin and Sungah. Smiling. Her happy smile that wasn't for her at that moment.
Minha turned quickly before any of them notice her.
She missed that smile, to cause it; to touch it. To kiss it as her hands held Kyungri strongly, and if she would keep going with acknowledging more of her starving feelings that she ignored, she missed Kyungri... so much.
,
Being nervous about a competition that she knew about like... a week ago wasn't something that Kyungri needed, especially not with sore muscles and two hours of a piled up work at her last day of work.
But all of that, Kyungri would say, was worth it if only to see the view that she saw at that moment, and feel the recognizable warmth she was feeling surrounding her heart; her whole.
Kyungri walked calmly, fearing that she'll disturb Minha, who was asleep.
Minha was lying down near the pool, in her bra and shorts, under the sunshine that warmed the place even more. The light had given the water curves that Kyungri didn't care to admire. In a way, Minha was shining more than the light and the water that made the place alive. As if she was radiating her own light into the boring building, every breath she was releasing gave life to the place.
Kyungri felt that. It was what Minha did to her; to her life, which she couldn't return as it seemed.
Her lips were dry, she blinked nervously when her pulse raised the heat more. She looked away, against her will, and wondering where Hyemi and Sojin were.
"What kind of practice is this?" She crouched next to Minha, who stirred at her voice. Kyungri smiled.
"Wha..." Minha quickly sat when she realized her. "Oh God, what time is it? Did coach came back?" Sungah had told them to start practicing until she return from arranging for their trip.
"Not yet. But really, Minha? Sleeping? That's not very diligent of you."
Minha pouted, "I couldn't help it. It was either sleep or watch Sojin and Hyemi flirt." She looked around, stretching her neck as if she could see through the lockers' hallway. "Where are they? I'm never sitting alone with them again."
"Flirt? I didn't know they were together."
"They aren't. Or... weren't, I guess. They met here." Minha sat properly to face her.
"Oh," It reminded her of a moment she never forgot. "That's nice."
"Not really, you missed a great deal of obvious tension."
So light, how their words travelled in the small space between them. Soft voices, one belonging to a yearning heart and the other... Well, its owner wasn't smiling, yet her eyes were soulful. Yeah, soulful, Kyungri smiled wider, noticing that as the silence lingered.
She didn't want it to linger, she didn't want her gaze to turn into an awkwardness of questions nagging her to be asked, or worse, Minha remaining quiet.
"I sh--"
"How was work?"
The question almost surprised her, but she didn't give it a chance to do more. Actually, and for some reason that she didn't realize was still there; still so painful, she didn't want it.
"Is something wrong?" Minha asked, her brows raised faintly.
Did it show on her face? The thought upset her more.
"No, nothing's wrong. Work is fine." She smiled, tried to. "I should go get ready." She stood quickly before Minha could notice that she was still not even one percent okay with the fact that she didn't trust her enough to stay, or simply talk.
,
It got to her. Bits of her anger, that she pushed back to the background for the past days, settled on her nerves; on every stroke she made that day. Kyungri didn't really mind it, it made her finish her laps faster, just with less focus and less quality. Of course, Sungah noticed that and didn't accept it.
She had to repeat them, which Kyungri also didn't mind. It was one of the reasons that made her keep swimming in high school. She would get into the water with plenty of chaotic thoughts, and come out of it with one simple feeling. Tiredness, which would give her a good night sleep no matter what.
She breathed steadily when she reached the wall, letting out the ache and the rush with each breath.
"That's better." Sungah said, standing near where she held the edge.
Kyungri didn't look at her, knowing that she didn't have a pretty expression on her face. She removed her goggles and swim cap before getting out.
"Thanks."
She took the towel Sungah was holding for her, ready to walk away without saying anything else.
"Kyungri." The coach's voice sounded calmer than usual. "You're doing great considering the short amount of time. But whether it's because of the pressure, or Minha, you need to deal with it before the competition."
"Minha?"
Sungah didn't answer right away, her sleepy eyes gazing at her as calm as how the water fell down her body, barely making a sound.
"She's waiting for you outside."
Kyungri didn't relax her brows, almost letting out a Why before she realized that she knew the answer.
"Look, I'm not trying to make it harder for you here, you're doing much better than I had wished for, but whatever is going on with you two, don't take it to that lake. The pool here, in a way, lets you control your emotions and focus on your swimming, but in the lake, there won't be walls, or lanes to help you do that."
Her words were ones of a coach's, but the look on her face was more than that. She was worried.
Kyungri nodded, not having any answer to give.
"Get some rest now. Good job." She smiled before walking past her.
,
Kyungri didn't really expect much of this. She did finish showering faster, but her thoughts about why Minha was waiting for her didn't go further than she must be feeling some sort of guilt about today. But of course, and that was something Kyungri was expecting, Minha won't give her a clear answer.
Minha got up from the bench once she noticed her, normally as if they had agreed to meet.
Annoyed by the lack of sleep and the humid night, Kyungri held her sighs of frustration in. She didn't get to ask anything when she neared Minha.
"You should spend the night at my dorm room. It's just a few minutes away." Minha said, seeming confident of the reply she'd get that she didn't wait for it. She was about to turn.
"So? It isn't that late, Minha, I'll go to our place." She took a step towards the other way, "Remember it? Our place?"
Minha seemed unmoved by her words and tone.
"I know and I do." Calm, so calm she was that Kyungri felt her own thoughts being louder. Minha looked down suddenly, perhaps just to not let her notice the hesitation.
"I was going to ask you to stay at my place when your break starts. And it did."
"Oh, really now?"
Minha looked at her again, her brows raised. "Yes!"
"Why, Minha? Why would you want me sleeping on the same bed with you? Isn't that what you got yourself rid off of?"
She wasn't angry, Kyungri didn't convince herself with that, she was just sure that these words were merely forming a simple question. She was dealing with it, like Sungah asked.
"You don't know what you're talking about."
"Because you won't tell me anything about us!" She wasn't shouting either, nearing Minha, "What are we to each other anymore? I don't want you acting nice with me, or whatever it is that you're trying to do just because you think you owe me for doing this. It makes me resent you more."
Maybe that's not what Sungah meant by dealing with it, but it's always too late when it came to the truth.
Minha, with her cheeks red, and quivering irises, spoke in such a calm way that Kyungri didn't think it was possible at that moment. "It takes over half an hour to reach our place, if you found a cab right away. There's a week left, practice will keep ending late, can you put our conflict aside?" She paused before continuing with an even calmer voice, "It's a reasonable solution."
"There isn't a problem here." With her eyes, Kyungri tried to stand her ground.
"You're still coming with me." With her eyes, and voice, Minha refused to back down.
Kyungri didn't forget how stubborn Minha was, but this wasn't a case of Minha trying to act the way she wanted. When she turned to leave again, not waiting for her answer... again, Kyungri was sure it was more than that.
,
It was reasonable, It got more reasonable when not even seven minutes passed and she already was getting ready to sleep on Minha's bed. Kyungri still won't admit it, though.
She was nervous.
"Do you need to change?"
Minha was making her nervous, with how she was acting so comfortably with this. She seemed as tired as her when she barely took off her shoes and shorts to get on the bed, without looking at her at all.
"No."
Kyungri let out a muted sigh, both of them needed sleep not more arguments. She took off her pants before getting on the empty side of the bed. Things can't get more weird, right?
Even on the small bed, a space managed to exist between them. But then again, Kyungri thought as she laid her head on the soft pillow, and stared at the dark ceiling with sleep waiting for her to close her eyes, she wasn't there to shorten the distances. She wasn't even sure that she wanted that after today.
,
Minha waited for Hyemi and Hyemi's stare to leave her alone as she was getting ready to take her position to dive, but she didn't.
"What?!"
She looked at her friend, who smiled. Of course she'd be all smiles.
"What?"
"You're staring."
"Am I?"
Minha folded her arms, knowing what Hyemi might be thinking about. "No, we aren't back together."
"Arriving and leaving together at the same time for two days in a row say otherwise."
"You know what? I'm not talking to you until I get my round back."
Minha went back to her position. Talking about Kyungri wasn't what she wanted after the embarrassment she woke up into that morning. Without her intention, well, surely it was without her intention as she was sleeping, her arm had settled on Kyungri's middle. She was gripping a handful of the older girl's t-shirt. Thankfully, Kyungri was neither awake, nor facing her.
"Your round? That's a bit of an exaggeration, don't you think?"
Hyemi prepared herself to dive as well, taking the same position. The competition had already started for the both of them. She was sure of that as Hyemi smiled, focusing on the water before swiftly jumping in.
,
What made Minha decide to ask Kyungri to stay at her dorm wasn't anything more than what she told Kyungri. She knew that a long day of practice won't let any room for awkwardness to nestle between them when they lie next to each other, and she was right. Except, she didn't predict herself being so unsettled by the sight of Kyungri sleeping.
Especially not with the dim sunlight softly focusing on her hair and body.
She feared this, for about minute or so before deciding that she won't be that easily affected by Kyungri's closeness. Even with knowing that her emotions weren't coping with the distance any more. She was sure she got this; she can handle this. This love that she never wanted to end.
Her hand tingled, perhaps it was the thrill for everything that was happening or simply it was the longing. She wanted to extend her arm, it might have been enough to make her get up and get ready. But maybe in another life, where her choices remained unsure.
Minha touched Kyungri's left shoulder. Gently moving her hand along it, not wanting to shock her. She shuddered, or was it just her heart that did that? Suddenly and taking a faster pace as she pushed Kyungri's hair behind her ear.
She didn't have the right to. Minha paused, gulping. They weren't back together yet, she reminded herself, unable to take her hand off. The feel of Kyungri's cheek against her palm. She missed it. She yearned for the warmth that she didn't know if she should find her way back to.
Kyungri stirred when she rubbed her thumb on her cheek, opening her eyes.
She realized her right away, and realized the hand touching her cheek. Kyungri didn't move, or say anything, trying to focus on her, wrinkles showing on her forehead.
Minha didn't have a smile waiting to be given, nor had a sweet Good morning to be said. She moved her hand along Kyungri's jaw and down to her soft neck, calmly and taking her time. Kyungri tensed, her breaths becoming noticeable, trapping Minha in her wondering gaze. Her pulse had quickened, her cheeks were already red.
Minha really didn't have any idea about what she was doing. And why?
"I'm sorry."
She quickly said after pulling her hand, and moving to get up. Her own heart felt like it was beating in her ears.
For everything that happened, she was sorry.
,
Their hearts created a rhyme, according to the finally happy Sungah. Minha liked that, both the notion and seeing Sungah happy. It was their last night at the pool, with one day left before leaving.
She was swimming on her back at that moment, ever so slow as an end to the practice, and just like she swam, Minha let her thoughts, her recently calmed thoughts, calmly move her to directions she haven't seen before. Taking the soothing water sound as another reason to stay in the water.
Every road that leads to life, is a life in itself. Someone once said. A very long time ago that Minha couldn't remember who said it or where. She repeated that saying as she swam, loving the wideness of the pool without the lanes, and the dimmed lights of its floor that was supposed to prepare them.
In circles, she moved. reaching the beginning like end.
Her emotions were swimming as well, as calmly as her. In the vessel that was her soul, they flowed towards what she wanted.
"Having fun in there?"
Minha's eyes fluttered opened, surprised by the quietness more than the voice. She hadn't realize it was just her left in the pool. She adjusted herself to look at Kyungri, whose voice had joined in the collection of her thoughts naturally.
"You already finished?"
Kyungri was drying her hair. "Yeah. Everyone left. Coach said to lock the place once we leave."
She was walking to the edge Minha was heading towards.
"She left? I didn't notice, I thought she lived here."
Kyungri's laugh radiated softly into the calm place. "Me too."
She missed that laugh, she missed hearing happiness sound in that laugh.
"She thought you wanted to swim more and didn't want to disturb you since it's the last day."
"I lost track of time, that's all."
She did, realizing her own voice was calmer now. Her eyes found Kyungri's after much avoiding. She leaned on the edge, staring at her girlfriend. At her small movements and her slim body.
"Are you getting out?"
Minha shook her head, enjoying the smile that Kyungri kept and the confusions showing on her face as the seconds went by and their gaze lingered.
"Hm, I'm going to leave now. Do you want anything?"
Kyungri was supposed to return to their apartment tonight to get ready for their three days trip. And while Minha had the whole day, and probably all of tomorrow to find some sort of resolution, she didn't need to. She knew where it was. In the hands of life and love, it was waiting for her.
She only wondered if Kyungri would understand what she found.
"Yes."
Minha got out of the water, taking off her swim cap. Things that happened since she left; things that she refused to acknowledge for a while now finally had a say.
With water dripping on the floor, tickling her in its way down her body, she stood in front of Kyungri. The latter's eyes focusing on hers after roaming her body for a fleeting moment. Warmth of the water was still surrounding her, making it hard for her nervousness; her shyness of the lack of garments that she was wearing to confuse her will.
"After I left," Minha lowered her eyes, it was either that or losing her thoughts' stream because she missed those eyes that were gazing at her steadily. "I was so sure we won't see each other until I decide to, until I'm ready."
"Like you said in your letter?"
Kyungri was still upset about that, Minha could feel that. She smiled, holding Kyungri's t-shirt. She pulled her a little, looking at her eyes again.
Feeling Kyungri's breaths this close to her weakened that will; that realization she armed herself with, about two minutes ago. The older girl's cheek turned to red, questioning her with her eyes.
"I... if you hadn't come that night, I would have kept thinking about you the wrong way."
"Yeah? You shouldn't have in the first place."
Minha pulled her closer till their thighs touched; till no space for either of them to escape left. The hand that she placed on Kyungri's side tingled like it never did before, showing her just how much her love and lust for Kyungri solidified without her notice.
"Have you ever seen your mother crying?" Minha asked, partly serious. "She can be very persuasive."
Kyungri had dropped the towel some time ago, Minha didn't really notice when as the older girl's hands were on her bare, wet waist now. She felt the restrained strength in the way Kyungri held her. In the way she didn't say anything with spoken words, leaving that mission of reproach to her eyes.
"I think that I was just waiting for a reason to justify what I was feeling and your mother happened to be that reason." Minha finished, letting a moment of needed silence linger.
,
"What were you feeling?"
It was Kyungri who looked away first.
"Lost within myself." She touched Kyungri's cheek, making her look at her. "Lost and the only thing that made sense, that held me steady was you."
Minha remembered it all, these feelings that Kyungri's presence in her life overshadowed. She remembered it all as Kyungri pressed their bodies against each other.
Her words clashed with Kyungri's breaths. "It isn't you who I want to leave, It was never you, Kyungri. It is me who I'm not happy with." As she leaned closer, tears found their way to gather in her eyes, but she wasn't sad.
"Want to leave?"
These tears, they fell the moment her lips touched Kyungri's.
,
As if it was out of her control, her lips remembered how to match Kyungri's. Her heart reminded her of how crazy the older girl's touch could drive her. And the flutters clinching her stomach that followed Kyungri's fingernails digging on her sides was another proof that she still loves being in her girlfriend's arms.
It wasn't just one kiss that lasted till their lungs demanded air, they were kisses that quenched the thirst that neither one of them hid. Kisses that made them hold on to one another tightly.
Kyungri backed away a little, gasping and not loosening her hold around Minha. "Why are you doing this?!"
In the darkness as she kept her eyes closed, Minha couldn't let out an answer. She tried to kiss Kyungri again, her familiar scent that filled her senses the past few days settling stronger around her now.
"If you're still leaving then why are you dong this?"
Minha let out a desperate breath, she missed her. Deeply.
"Minha!"
"I missed you! I just missed you so much." She looked at her, trying to push her arms away. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that."
"No!" Kyungri kept her attached to her. "You say you missed me, you say you still love me, but why isn't that enough to make you stay?!"
Minha tried to avoid her eyes, avoid seeing the pain in them.
"Aren't I enough to make you stay?" She whispered, but Minha heard a cry. "What do you think I'll do? Stop you from doing what you want, or finding yourself? Minha, I would never stand in your way or hold you back."
"I know! I know!"
Minha couldn't hold down her sobs when Kyungri's tears fell. She held her face, wanting to wipe them.
"Then why are you leaving? It doesn't make se--
"I can't unsee what I really am and what I'm not, Kyungri." She fought the tickling feeling in her chest, the one that kept bringing tears to her eyes. "And I don't want you to ever see that!"
Minha hugged her when she tried to speak, "I love you so much that I'm going insane because of it, but I can't stay with you and be proud of myself. Please, Kyungri, I need to be alone in this."
Somehow, even before Minha could see Kyungri's eyes, she knew the hurt was there. The anger as well, with the sadness that she didn't want to cause.
And she was right, she continued when their eyes met, "You complete me, Kyungri, in ways where it should be me doing that." And even when Kyungri slowly pulled her hands off of her, she told her what she felt,"You made me feel safe when I didn't even know I wasn't making myself feel safe."
Minha tried to keep her voice steady. "It isn't easy for me to leave, Kyungri, I'm sorry, I'm-- please."
Kyungri had backed away from her, she looked away.
"I love you, Kyungri, I always did."
"That doesn't seem to matter here, does it?" She paused, wiping her tears. "Leave all together, Minha, don't take me with you, not as a friend, not as anything. We're done."
Minha tried to speak, but the pain was inside of her, beating in her chest. She couldn't see it, but it was loud, screaming.
,
Minha didn't try to find a bright side to all of what happened. She chose a road and it won't lead her to Kyungri, it actually might have pushed her further away, but at the end of it she would find someone and that someone would be her.
Regret mixed with reasons, Minha let them have their little debate of what should and shouldn't have been done. She was in a four hours ride to the lake and that was stressful enough.
Sungah was driving the van, excited as she talked with Kyungri, who was in the passenger's seat. Sojin and Hyemi were as excited as her when they took off.
Faint vibration from her phone interrupted the little, but real enjoyment she had from staring at the window of the last row seat.
What's with the sad face, Sad face?
Hyemi didn't turn to her, keeping her arm around Sojin's shoulders since the youngest of them decided to nap. It actually was cute of her. Well, they actually looked cute together, maybe she should tell them that someday. Hopefully, they'd still be together after a few years.
We broke up.
Minha didn't wait to see Hyemi's reply after sending that, she just wanted to forget how love couldn't simply fix what was missing.
,
They had little time to get used to the open water, two nights of being together in one room and on the same bed. Kyungri thought it won't be that much of a difference. She hoped, at least. Especially with Hyemi and Sojin being with them in the same room.
The cloudy sky casted a calm beauty on the place that Kyungri was sure it wouldn't have been there if the sky was clear and the sun had washed everything with its brightness. Trees half-circled the huge lake. It was bigger than what Kyungri had imagined, and the hotel that faced the lake didn't ruin the place with its friendly design, pretending it was part of the place's nature.
Somehow, it was working, Kyungri thought before facing the alluring water. Its silky movement as both the swimmers and the wind made contact with it was inviting.
She started to even her breathing, getting ready to test the unfamiliar water.
She shouldn't be there; she didn't want to be there. Kyungri clenched her hands, but she was there and she should be there, if not for Minha any more, then for the rest of the team.
Don't push yourself too hard, okay?
Sungah had told her a couple of minutes ago. And even amidst the noise of the officials and the other teams, Kyungri still managed to catch the worry in her voice.
After wearing her goggles, Kyungri focused on the spot she'll dive into from the wooden bridge. She breathed, she waited. The end that she and Minha reached felt like everything but real.
Kyungri jumped in, neatly and with a heavy heart that let her pierce the cool water deeper than she would have. Empty darkness faced her instead of the pool's clean floor, it didn't scare her.
She swam, heading for the surface. It could sink you, that heaviness in her heart, she drove that thought away as she reached the air. But it will be painful, being away from Minha.
,
Kyungri beat the water, which was one way to put it. It calmed her as much as the vastness, that told her she could reach the edge of the lake with one stroke and another, did.
She felt the wind, for brief moments that let her feel the anger that she didn't want to control her. Letting go, she had thought about it, the moment she said they were done.
Kyungri focused on the orange buoy, holding on to every single thought of Minha.
She felt a hit in her throat as she breathed water into her mouth, she stopped swimming, trying to maintain her position above the water. Kyungri coughed, tears gathering in her eyes for all the reasons but the fact that she panicked. She heard a stranger calling for her, one of the swimmers that were guarding each contestant from a distance. It came from afar, her vision was clouded for a moment.
Are you alright?!
There it was, the stranger's voice again. Kyungri turned to the shore, ignoring the few swimmers in the water. It surprised her how far it was, she didn't realize that she crossed such a distance. She removed her goggles, trying to have a glimpse of the person she loved above anyone and everything else.
She couldn't see her at first, she wasn't even sure Minha would be there watching her. It got to her again, they were over now, perhaps since long ago.
There she is, Kyungri thought she was her at least, whether because she desperately wanted to believe that or not. Tall, and walking into the water. A blue cap hiding most of her face, it was her, with long hair flying with the wind.
Kyungri closed her eyes, and reopened them, finally answering the guard that was swimming towards her with a signal from her hand.
She focused on the girl again, it was her, she was watching her. Kyungri turned to complete her way. That heaviness in her heart? It was still there, getting heavier, and will get heavier. Kyungri knew it wasn't supposed to fade away. Love doesn't work that way.
,
It didn't amaze Kyungri how could a tiny moment of raging feelings bury the truth. Who was she kidding when she said they were done? Herself?
What all of that makes of her? Her, who wanted to get married.
"I don't want to continue this anymore. Let's go back home." Hyemi's groans as she dropped herself on the bed next to Sojin were only a louder expression to how all of them felt. She murmured something about being the last to shower, which only Sojin managed to hear as she laughed calmly.
Kyungri closed her eyes, moving from the room's incomplete darkness to her own.
Almost Three hours passed since night had ended their exhausting day, and only now they managed to really rest. Dinner wasn't something that all of them were excited to, but Sungah didn't give them a choice.
Quietness surrounded them in the small room while the noise outside their window remained. Varying between faint melodies of music and excited voices of the people visiting the lake. All of that reminded her of a time when she was a little girl, waiting for sleep to claim her as her mother had a party in their garden.
At that moment, she was little again, waiting for sleep to come to her and Minha, who was pretending she was asleep.
She didn't have to be alone this time. Neither one of them had to.
Kyungri turned on her right, voices of their roommates had been replaced with steady breathing without her notice. She drew herself closer to Minha till the latter's back was attached to her chest, like old times.
Minha didn't make a move to push her away, nor she ignored Kyungri's hand that she extended to hold hers.
She felt Minha's heartbeats, she felt her breaths.
"What happened out there?" Minha asked, her voice faintly shaky that only her would ever notice it.
Kyungri inhaled her scent, her lips touching her hair and the back of her neck that they caused Minha to shudder, covering her face in the pillow.
"You did." She pulled Minha to face her, and just like what people in love would do to one another, she held her strongly in her arms.
Between Minha's hand gripping her loose shirt from behind and burying her face in her neck, Minha whispered I'm sorry. And repeated it.
,
The winds were cooler the next morning, Kyungri already felt it as it tickled her face with her bangs. She tried to move before realizing the weight on her right side. It all came back to her in a flash, she stopped moving and relaxed her body, not wanting to disturb Minha.
She opened her eyes after a couple of tries that the dim sunlight prevented her from completing. She focused on the voices coming from outside the window, which was opened. Sojin was standing there as well.
Kyungri furrowed her eyebrows, thinking that they had slept through the alarm due to the tiredness of yesterday. She lifted her head just a little to ask about the time, but Sojin flinched, noticing her.
Her shoulder that became Minha's pillow for last night was numb, she was about to speak, or maybe just smile, but Sojin had already started tiptoeing towards the door without looking at her. A smile on her face, blushing.
Kyungri stared at her quietly as she left the room. It was so awkward.
It took her a moment to realize what just happened before she quickly reached for her phone, there was still time before they had to get up. Kyungri sighed, laying her head back on the pillow. Sojin, and Hyemi as well since there was no sign of her being still in the room, must have wanted to give them some privacy.
Kyungri gazed at the ceiling, wondering if she should wake Minha up or not. It seemed like a nice morning, and they had yet to explore the place, but being there on the bed, engulfed in Minha's warmth was nicer. Something that she might not have the luxury to feel again.
Minha cried last night, after minutes of holding back her tears, before she fell asleep. Kyungri did as well, knowing what separate paths they would be taking.
Minha whining as she pushed her hand off of her arm took her attention.
Kyungri smiled, just because she loved Minha's whining. Her smile turned to a soft laugh once she realized what happened. She was doing that circling motion with her fingers on Minha's bare arm again, something that always tickled the younger girl.
"Wake up."
Kyungri turned on her right, barely. She looked at Minha's face, waiting for her to open her eyes.
"Sojin just walked out pretending that I didn't see her."
Minha smiled, making Kyungri's heart tell her to focus on that smile instead of what she was saying.
"You should have pretended that you didn't see her. She's too shy with strangers." Minha started rubbing her eyes, adjusting herself.
Kyungri's own smile was tickling on her lips. Hearing Minha's sleepy voice was one of the things that she longed for the most.
Minha looked at her, "When we first started practicing, she would blush the moment anyone talked to her."
And it all made sense, the needed distance, and her feelings that would only torture her a little more as Minha took her separate path.
"But not with Hyemi." Minha seemed like she's remembering something. "She would always smile at Hyemi."
Whether Kyungri found it underwater, or in a dream of a hand holding hers, with her heart racing a bit as the world that she belonged to unfolded in front of her eyes, it all made sense that she knew how to hold on and let go.
She blinked when the silence became obvious, Minha was looking at her.
"You're thinking about us."
"Aren't you?"
Minha pursed her lips together, turning on her back.
"Are you doubting my feelings for you? That I still love you as much as before if... if not more?"
"I am."
Minha looked at her, frowning hard that it made Kyungri chuckle. She pouted at her before pushing her on her back and moving to sit astride on her hips.
By instinct that the love of years created, Kyungri held her quickly, wanting to steady her. Eyes wide opened, and the heat within her rising in both the fear of someone coming in on them, and the one of her own feelings.
"I... I don't know what I'll be doing after this event is over. Coach said that I might get an offer to be a competitive swimmer, but I'm not counting on that. I just don't want to limit my options to Swimming."
She spoke so softly, Kyungri noticed the worry in her voice; in her eyes as the younger girl avoided looking at her. Her hands carelessly touching her sides.
"I don't want to make promises that I don't know if I'll fulfill soon enough." She paused, giving time for Kyungri to control her storming emotions as she pressed her thighs on her hips, giving her time to feel every bit of the warmth that bursted with each beat of her heart, in her stomach and everywhere it should.
"God! Has this became your way to say goodbye?" Kyungri let out, feeling her eyelids becoming heavy. And thanking their roommates for keeping the lights off. The sunlight was enough to let her see and notice the beauty of Minha all over again. Her long, black hair, parting from the middle like princesses' hair. And her eyes that shone with love and desire. She loved it all, she loved the weakness that their love gave her. It was only another side of strength.
"That's not what I'm saying." Minha caressed her sides, slowly adding pressure till she reached the hem of Kyungri's t-shirt. "I'm saying that I'm coming back."
In a still ongoing attempt to control what she wanted to unleash, Kyungri sat upright, clenching her toes as she felt the tips of Minha's fingers on her stomach. She closed her eyes, letting herself be drawn into Minha's warmth as she hugged her closer to her.
"I want to tell you to wait for me, but that would be selfish of me."
Kyungri smiled, her lips prompting her to press them on Minha. Her breathing became unsteady.
"You think?"
Minha held her face to make her look at her. "I want you to be happy, Kyungri, in every way possible. But the thought of you being with someone else, I don't think I can handle it again. It'll kill me." She whispered, her lips faintly touching Kyungri's.
Kyungri tried to capture those lips, but Minha stopped her.
"Don't wait for me. If you found someone else, someone who'll make you hap--"
Kyungri kissed her; stopped her from saying what she didn't want to hear. Love doesn't work that way, Kyungri held her tightly. And unlike three nights, she let go the way she and Minha wanted.
,
The little clothes they had didn't slow them down, Kyungri's touched Minha's soft breast, making both of them gasp for the exact same reason. Flutters flowed inside of her along every nerve, prompting her to press harder; to kiss deeper. With her bare skin against Minha's, the noise from outside, the sound of water as someone jumped in it. The faint shouts and the birds that flew near their sky every other minute were all nothing to her but a world that had faded.
With Minha's tender touch, that Minha knew what it'd to her, she shuddered. With Minha's hand becoming inside her shorts, her breaths become uneven; her toes curled. The younger girl pulled back, as much as she could, smiling at her. Kyungri tried to keep her eyes focused as she let out a desperate moan, which she quickly bit Minha's jaw to mute.
A sound on her left startled them, making Kyungri hold Minha's wrist. It was the alarm.
Kyungri lay back, cursing as Minha softly giggled, flushed and pulling her hand out of her shorts.
Kyungri covered her face with her hands, still cursing. The cool air coming from outside wasn't doing any sort of cooling to her heated body; to the burning clouds inside of her.
Minha shifted her weight, and the sound was gone.
Just by the feel of Minha's weight becoming fully on her again; just by the thought of Minha straddling her, she felt the stings increasing, swelling in one spot that they made it impossible for her heart to calm down.
Kyungri felt Minha lean on her, she felt little kisses on her hands before the younger girl moved down to her chest.
"We..." Kyungri tried to be reasonable, "We should get ready," she tried to steady her breathing, "coach might com--"
She did try her best before Minha took her left breast in her mouth, slowly pressing on it with her lips, with intent that would lead Kyungri to realize every bit of that sensation.
Preventing herself from arching her back wasn't an option as she grasped a handful of Minha's hair. The way the latter moved her tongue only showed Kyungri, one more time, how stormy Minha's world can be.
The right storm; their storm, with an increasing rain, and thunder sounding in her ears.
Kyungri tried to muffle her moans as Minha kissed her way down her abdomen, not wanting to sound... too eager for her touch. But then again, why wouldn't she want Minha to know how eager she was for her and her loving touch?
,
It turned out that the rule of no intimacy had a valid reason to be followed.
Minha buried her feet in the sand, sitting next to her team. Her knees were still numb, and her stomach still fluttered, annoyingly as it raised the heat around her; inside of her, every time she remembered how it felt to be with Kyungri; to have Kyungri tease her with her fingers as if they had the time for that.
She hugged her knees, she won't forget it. How it felt to hold on to Kyungri as the latter drove her into the warmth of love and lust.
Minha realized she was smiling, she quickly wiped it off and looked at the people passing by after following their shadows and feet for the past few minutes. Sojin and Kyungri were debating which team had the biggest chance to win, a conversation that wouldn't have happened if Kyungri didn't initiate it.
The noise made her nervous, and the wind bothered her, but all of that was okay. She didn't mind any of it if only to hear Kyungri's voice more. She wished she could hear that voice forever.
And she might... have that forever one day.
Minha noticed Hyemi walking back on the bridge, hugging herself with a towel. She got up without interrupting the flow of Kyungri's and Sojin's words. It was her turn now. One final lap; another assurance that everything would be okay if she knew the strength of her heart. If she was brave enough to leave, or stay.
"Morning, Sleepy head."
Hyemi smiled widely at her, not trying to hide the knowing tone in her voice.
Minha simply rolled her eyes, completing her way.
"Oh, wait."
She turned to her.
"If coach asked, you had a stomach ache and Kyungri had to stay to take care of you." She said, carelessly, and turning to leave.
Minha almost let her smile show. She didn't expect that Hyemi would do such a thing.
"No, wait." Hyemi faced her again, "Was it the other way around? I can't remember what I told her." She finished, her brows furrowed.
Minha neared her, hugging her all of sudden that it made her friend stumble. She relaxed her head on Hyemi's shoulder as the latter held her with one arm, not saying anything.
Minha hugged her tighter before pulling back.
"What was that for?" She was still surprised.
Minha smiled at her, "Thanks." She also felt like telling her that she's wishing her luck for tomorrow. "You better win tomorrow." She kept that smile, enjoying the lightness that surrounded her as Hyemi smiled back.
"I will."
,
"Are you worried?"
Kyungri's voice took her attention away from the lake that the swimmers crossed with enthusiasm. She turned to her as the older girl stood behind her, fully dressed.
Minha knew what that meant. She shook her head as an answer.
Amidst the noise of the masses around them, the two of them stood on the crowded shore beside the other teams.
"Not even a little?" Wrinkles appeared on Kyungri's forehead before she gazed behind her at the water. "It was so nerve-wracking with the wideness, and the crowd watching. I actually forgot how it feels to be there with eyes on my back."
Minha couldn't help but smile at her, holding her hand, calmly. A rush that slowly flowed the moment the competition started was still waiting to be set free completely.
"But you didn't place last." She was resisting the urge to kiss her cheek or hug her as the latter looked at her with loving eyes. It wasn't goodbye; it was goodbye. Ironically, Minha would add considering the last time she said goodbye to her.
She had had all the time in the world, and her will to leave didn't waver. But now, now the path that she was taking lost all of its reasonable reasons to be taken, with little time she had left to think about it again.
"I'm proud of you." Minha squeezed her hand, hoping it'll be enough to express everything that she was feeling.
Kyungri blushed, giggling softly with her hand covering her mouth.
She'd miss seeing that, She'd miss Kyungri so much that it'd hurt her. Minha was sure of that.
"Are you leaving right now?"
Minha couldn't hold back the question any longer. Kyungri had to go back, her break had ended a couple of hours ago.
"In a few."
There was still little time before the last round starts.
"I'll catch the start. I'll watch you." Kyungri said, making a promise with her shimmering eyes. She pulled her hand a little as the third round horn sounded. It was goodbye, in a way, and it was the worst.
"Hyemi won." Kyungri said, looking behind her.
Minha turned as well, noticing Sungah and Sojin jumping together on the wooden bridge. It was the first win to their team.
"I have to win now then."
"You will."
Minha heard the confidence in her girlfriend's voice.
Swimmers that were around them started to move, faintly bumping into them. Minha took the chance in the chaos that was getting bigger. She just didn't care if anyone noticed them. She neared Kyungri, wanting to whisper in her ear.
"Yes,"
She kissed her cheek, a lingering kiss.
"If you wanted to ask me again someday, the answer is yes. I'd marry you."
And the soft grip on her hand that was Kyungri's reply to her words as she pulled back only set her heart on a rhythm. She smiled, seeing the surprise on Kyungri's face. Tears that she won't let fall gathered in her eyes.
The swimmers for the last round were being called. She felt Kyungri loosen her grip on her hand hesitantly until they let go of each other as she looked down for a second before gazing at her again with a smile that Minha would always remember.
It was goodbye... for now.