[Summer; Swimming] A Strong Heart, A Brave One 1.2
Title: A Strong Heart, A Brave One
Author: tide_ms
Rating: R
Fandom: Nine Muses
Pairing(s)/Focus: Kyungri/Minha. (Hyemi/Sojin. barely)
Length: 18,076
Summary: A journey to learn about what love can and can't do. One that will make both Minha and Kyungri realize what it takes to love someone; to save that love.
Warnings: Minor incidents in the water. Family being against your relationship?
Notes: This was fun to write, and full of emotions. (Because favorite OTP, and all I want to do right now is to swim again ;_;)
I hope it won't be a boring read. Thank you to thunggyu for brainstorming.
Their lazy laughter shattered the midnight's silence around them. The weather was cold to anyone but Minha, who had Kyungri to keep her warm as they entered their apartment.
Fuzzy feelings were taking over her, but she was still sober enough to realize the questions in her head. Questions asking about both of her pain and love, echoing loudly for her to notice.
Love, shouldn't she trust that love she always cherished? And protect it from the whole world, from the one person whom she knew would never want that love to bloom?
But it was more than that, wasn't it?
Minha ignored these pressing questions, Kyungri's happiness that brightened her face was all that mattered at that moment.
They were celebrating the happy beginning of Kyungri's career, a beginning that Minha wished had come long before she decided to leave, and long before she knew the secret behind the guilt that had been showing in Kyungri's eyes as of late.
Kyungri's tired voice sounded louder on her ears than it actually was when she said I still can't believe I got the internship. She faced Minha, looking at her with fondness that the light of the kitchen helped her see.
She let Kyungri pull her closer, her heart started to race for a million of reasons when it used to be Love only. She hugged Kyungri back as the latter nuzzled her neck, her voice becoming lower when she spoke again.
"I couldn't have made it this far without you, Minha."
She could have, and Minha knew that, she could have done everything she wanted if it wasn't for... Minha.
She tightened the hug, a bitter happiness engulfing her as Kyungri started kissing her neck and jaw. Sweet kisses that, along with the tipsiness of alcohol, created miniature vortexes of desirable warmth inside of her. Just for tonight, Minha decided, just for this moment, she wanted to be with Kyungri with only the love they had for each other.
The kisses deepened, and Minha shuddered. She closed her eyes when her breaths became unsteady. Her own hands tingled, desperately wanting to touch more of Kyungri. Just for tonight, Minha wanted to forget that Kyungri had cheated on her.
,
Minha wasn't in a hurry when the morning's sun was at its most brightness. The soft snoring of Kyungri eased the moment, taking its seriousness away. She was sitting at the desk, a pen between her fingers, and staring at the blank paper in front of her.
A new page to be filled.
Minha knew that writing a break up letter wasn't the best choice she could make, not for her or Kyungri, yet it was the best for the situation they both were in.
Neatly, She started writing, but with hesitation that faced her with the fact that she was running away instead of staying and confronting Kyungri.
But... how could she?
Kyungri let go of everything because she couldn't let go of her. Kyungri didn't just give her her heart as a lover, she gave up her dreams to stay with her, to make her... happy. And somehow, the idea of her long-term girlfriend, her best friend since high school, shouting that fact at her seemed more painful than anything else.
,
A short while passed. Two weeks and more, Kyungri didn't call her yet, and that only meant that the older girl didn't miss the firm meaning Minha left behind her words. Which sounded stupid now the more she thought of them, her written words that told Kyungri to not try contacting her, and stay away for a while. Those words sounded not like her at all now.
Minha didn't try to stop herself from thinking about the past, about her Kyungri, and how did her first day at the company go. Did she forget where she placed her keys again? And which bus did she decide to take in order to reach her work faster?
Even now, as she walked back to her dorm, all that she thought about was Kyungri.
Minha sighed. The unending thoughts about her life weren't the best part of her days.
Music from the celebrations of the school year ending were becoming louder the more she neared the dormitories' area, and Minha didn't like that. She walked with no rush, heading to her place. Maybe if she arrived late to her dorm she wouldn't catch most of the partying's noise. Maybe.
Just a few more minutes and she'll be at her doorstep, just one more building to walk past by, the indoor pool, that strangely had all of its lights on, and she'll be on her bed.
Minha stopped in her tracks, her footsteps' sound disappeared, letting the quietness around her sound. Guessing why the lights were on at this late hour was one thought that Minha couldn't ignore. It was unusual, but then again, what did she know about the swimming team of her university?
A moment passed before Minha made her next step. She walked towards the building with the high windows, thinking about how it has been a long, very long time since she swam. Unexpectedly, with each step closer, the thoughts of swimming brought nothing but a nice feeling.
,
The humidity that hit her after getting inside was sudden, but not strange to her. It brought a small smile to her face, prompted by old memories.
A quick look at the empty place made her think a celebration had happened here with all those shiny flyers that said Annual, and Open Water... and something that Minha didn't really care to read. They were placed on the walls. There were also balloons, of the colors yellow and white, hanging here and there all over the place.
Minha neared the pool, loving the dancing reflection of the lights, the was caused by the rippling water, on the walls and brown benches. That sight was enough to soothe her with a long forgotten, beautiful warmth. Increasing by not only the images in her mind, reminding her of her very first kicks in swimming, and how it felt to pierce the water, hoping for a sweet win, but also by the memories of how it felt to surrender to the water, and feel it carrying her.
Minha couldn't look away from the water, the lanes faintly moving. It has been years since she last swam in a pool with the purpose of swimming, and remembering everything just now let an energy flow inside her. She felt tempted to jump in and try it.
That feeling made her turn to leave all of sudden, firmly holding her sigh in, wanting to force the reminiscing to stop.
She didn't move an inch. Hearing the quietness telling her how amazing it'll feel to cross the pool swimming.
,
Excitement made her heart race, sending shivers through her body. Minha stood at the edge of the pool in her underwears only, her wavy, black hair tickling her back.
She crouched down. Slowly, getting in. The moment the water touched her toes, she ignored everything. The moment it carried her weight, she smiled, letting the familiar feeling that the water gave engulf her.
,
The way she should move and balance herself, it was amazing to feel all of that again. Minha remembered all of it as if she had never stopped swimming.
She pushed herself down, under the water.
What was she even doing here? It didn't matter, she didn't really know either. Minha closed her eyes, feeling her hair becoming heavy and light at the same time. Like reliving a beautiful moment, one that she forgot how much she loved, Minha breathed out steadily, gathering her strength and adjusting herself. She moved her arms to keep her feet stuck to the wall, waiting for the right moment; the right heartbeat to push. And when she did, she realized how strong she was.
It was a good start that let her swim through the water with a speed, heading to the surface, her arms remaining extended straight as she moved one at a time. Minha was relaxed, turning her head left after one stroke, and right after another stroke to take her breath. Her movement was fast, and Minha knew that; felt that, and the comfort that embraced her soul because of that was acknowledged.
Without her notice, Kyungri had faded into the calmness of her mind the moment she pierced the water.
,
It wasn't until the mid of the second lap that Minha felt ache attacking her joints and muscles in a way that she couldn't neglect. She slowed down, reaching the lane on her left, her heartbeats were fast, threatening to make her faint. Her eyes were hurting her, and the lights felt too bright that she closed her eyes. As she held the lane while moving, all that Minha could feel was herself being unable to avoid one bit of the rush that had bursted inside of her.
"You're in!"
Minha flinched, opening her eyes. There was a woman with short hair on her left, heading to the edge of the pool. She was clapping, excitedly, and that somewhat made her eardrums ring. Minha hurried to reach the end, ignoring the tiredness.
"What's your name, year, and age?"
The tall girl felt a bit embarrassed to get out of the water, but she did. Her head was spinning as the woman stood in front of her, a towel in her hand. She seemed very happy, and that made Minha less nervous about breaking some rule.
"And when was the last time you swam?"
"I'm n..." She took the towel that was extended to her, "What?"
"The last time you swam. It's required that you haven't swum for at least four years, but from what I've seen just now, it seems less."
She was... pouting, holding her hands together. Minha dried her face, not having any idea about what's going on other than the woman had a nice hair.
"Eight years. Or so." Minha finally said.
The woman gasped, without a sound, her features brightening. "Oh my god, really?! Oh, sorry. Hello, I'm Sungah, the coach. You have passed! Though, late since the tryouts ended today, but I'm glad you made it! Welcome to the Fifth Annual Celebration of Swimming United in Open Water's competition!"
Oh...
Minha blinked, realizing what just happened. She extended her hand to shake the coach's, not a single attempt to clear what was she doing in the pool crossed her mind. Her thoughts were as calm as the smile she gave Sungah.
,
Minha didn't sleep that night, an overflowing joy that she couldn't ignore kept her fully awake, thinking about how taking this unexpected turn was... well, making sense.
She had been accepted to join the swimming team that especially for this event, was consisted of non active swimmers, and there was nothing better to do than searching about Open Water swimming till the sunlight illuminated her room.
In a way, it did make sense, she loved swimming, or used to at least. And now that that feeling had been awakened, she loved the idea of spending the summer being unable to avoid thinking about Kyungri and their relationship less.
,
It was still early morning when Minha reached the indoor pool. She was excited, it might not show; it didn't show, no one would ever guess that the excitement had her ready to leave her room a few minutes before the set time.
Kyungri hadn't left her mind, and Minha didn't bother to fight back that morning.
The noise inside wasn't that loud, and she liked that. There were drastically fewer people than she thought there would and that had her stop walking, for a tiny moment as the hesitation poked at her. She took a deep breath, and another one when the coach welcomed her. Minha walked towards the benches where everyone was sitting, twelve girls or less, hoping she wasn't too visible among them.
,
"Alright, there are two more who still haven't arrived yet, but we'll have to start without them." The coach spoke brightly, her back to the pool. "The important thing you need to know is that this competition is not about winning or losing, or... or awesome swimming and techniques, it is a friendly event where most of the income will go to charity." She was looking at each one of them. "But it is still a big event, so you have to win. If only for one round."
Her smile was wide, radiating with excitement that barely was reflected on the some, sleepy girls.
Sungah continued, "We'll be practicing here in the university's pool for five weeks, then only two days in May Byul lake, where the competition will take place. This is meant to test your skills, and quick adjustment to the new water."
Minha kept thinking about how the coach's big smile was more evident to notice than the seriousness. She liked that. It was a good sign, it was needed.
,
They were eleven girls in total, some with experience in swimming and others not. Still, all of them had to undergo the basic training.
Skills get rusty, The coach explained, your body remembers how to swim, your mind does as well, but they aren't in sync. She told them as they got into the water.
"Now, things you need to know."
The coach took their attention again, but Minha kept her eyes on the moving water. The clumsy movements of some of the girls on both of her sides couldn't bother her. She remembered this, how it was to be in the water with others, eagerly wanting to reach the finish line first.
Sungah was standing on their left. "Training will be intense, and the only thing you'll focus on for the next month. Some of you might not handle that, and quit. Which is completely fine, no shame in quitting if it is too much for you. Just know that if you finished the third week of training, you will be obligated to finish this competition."
There was silence upon saying that, but no one seemed to object to that detail.
"The team's name is your responsibility now, the university is depending on you." She finished.
Minha looked at her, it felt nice to hear that. Somehow, it felt like they were actual members of the swimming team.
"Or just four of you since that's the minimum required for each team to join this event." Sungah added cheerfully, twinkles in her eyes, "but let's hope none of you will quit!"
Minha felt stings in her legs, she wanted to start already, she wanted the water take away the chance to yearn for Kyungri from her heart. Like it did last night.
"Oh, one last thing! The rules!" The coach spoke again, just when they were getting ready.
It made some of the girls complain.
"It's summer I know, but no partying is allowed, no alcohol, no freely eating whatever you want, and most importantly, no intimate relationships."
Sungah might have said that a bit too happily.
The girls laughed it off, because there is no way Sungah was serious about that. Right? Minha just smiled, returning her focus to this... to herself.
,
Fourteen hours a day for training kept Minha busy for the most part, her mornings were all about waking up, and head straight to the pool only to do warm ups that aimed to help her endure the hard training coming ahead. The afternoons went slowly with just four hours in the water. She still managed to finish her required laps before the night sky appears. While her nights were calm, every one of them. She would finish late, with barely enough strength in her body to take off her shoes and drop herself on the bed, but with another improvement in breathing control.
Training left her no time to wonder if what made her body sore was the familiar practicing, or the longing for Kyungri that the water hid one day, and didn't the next. She wanted to be with her, even after knowing everything, she wanted things to be okay with them again.
,
Regret about leaving the way she did lurked behind every other thought, Minha realized that; hated that. And by the ninth day of training, the goal to move on, and the growing hope of accomplishing something in swimming after all these years were mixed together in a way that didn't confuse her about how strong they were.
Oh, and four girls had already left.
,
Minha closed her eyes once she became steady under water. She could feel the faint, underwater waves caused by the other six girls as they strived to hold their breaths as long as they can. Wanting to count the seconds in her head was easy to avoid, a serenity slowly forming around every word, around that big part of her soul that still wants Kyungri to call her, and do something!
A newborn feeling it was, but enough to make her realize every single ounce in her body.
The sudden wave that she felt on her side meant another girl had reached her limit.
Minha opened her eyes and... smiled, her heart racing. They were three girls now, one with a short, blonde hair, looking at her then at the long, brown-haired girl on her right with her usual calm smile. Almost with a wondering look in her eyes, Minha felt every time she saw Sojin smiling.
Time felt slow as her gaze met Hyemi's, whom desire to be the winner in this shone in her eyes, not even her goggles managed to dim it down. She smirked at her, and the blonde girl pushed herself up.
Minha watched her leave before returning her eyes to Hyemi, just for a heartbeat before she also pushed herself up.
Through the water and her own unsettled emotions, she reached the air and took a breath that wasn't just into her lungs, but into her whole as well. Her mind was clear, at that very moment, with Hyemi just a second late to reach the surface and an arm length away from her, all that Minha felt was a pure happiness forming inside of her.
,
As the days passed, the longing for the warm touch was still there, Minha realizes it the moment she wakes up every morning, and ignores it as fast.
"So, why are you here?" Hyemi asked one morning, her voice was so calm amidst the other girls' voices. She was leaning on the locker next to hers, her gaze as steady as how Minha felt that morning.
"Here?"
"Spending the summer here. In this competition."
The answer was there, right at the top of her head. "No particular reason." Minha returned her focus on folding her own clothes.
"And you?" She asked when the moment turned quiet, looking at Hyemi, her rival according to their coach. Minha still remembers her first impression about Hyemi, she seemed bored at that time. A bit intimidating even if Minha had absolutely no other way to describe that impression, which was no longer there.
"I've never in a competition before." Her answer came after a moment, her gaze had shifted to elsewhere.
"How is it so far?"
Minha looked at where Hyemi's eyes were lingering at. Her brows Furrowed for a brief moment as she stared at Sojin, who walked to her locker.
"Interesting." Hyemi took her attention again. "I like it," her features softening with a smile. Minha didn't notice they weren't.
A sting pained her heart as Hyemi told her to hurry so they can start warming up. A thought, a strange one, that made her stomach clench, had crossed her mind. What if Kyungri was with someone already? And all that love she felt from her was indeed a lie?
It has been almost month now since their one-sided break up, Minha kept track. The friendship that was no longer there, the unwavering love in her heart for Kyungri. Her own wandering self, everything felt real now. A very inescapable reality.
,
Sometimes, it would seem that Sungah blows her whistle just to annoy them. Her shouts that meant to make them move faster, and the gaze that turned a bit too serious after another girl had left were both helping and nerve-wracking.
Alright, that's it for today. Good job, everyone. She would tell them every night.
One by one, they got out of the pool, letting the water make its last sound for the night. It trickled down their tired bodies, their footsteps matching in pace. The competition drew nearer and the training became harder, Minha didn't mind those two parts comparing to the fact that she wasn't improving as much as the others. Thinking about that, with other important emotions demanding her attention, gave her a headache. And might have made her a bit tensed.
"He--"
Minha flinched when someone put her arm around her shoulders.
"Uh, sorry. I didn't mean to scare you." Hyemi spoke gently, which was more surprising actually.
The taller girl shook her head, a towel that she didn't bother to use in her hands. "I was just thinking." Despite the little clothes they wore, and the wet skin, she didn't mind the closeness as they headed to the lockers.
She had became fond of Hyemi, as a friend and the latter seemed to be on the same page with her. It was one of the few things that she liked about her summer so far. Of course, her liking wasn't too steady when Hyemi finished her laps before her.
"About your strokes?"
"Yeah."
"Hm, I think it's because you don't pull your arms fast enough that they aren't good, you focus too mu--"
Minha shook her arm off of her, walking faster.
"Hey! I'm trying to help." Hyemi spoke loudly, laughing.
"You placed fifth! And your flip-turns are bad, how are you going to help me?" Minha looked at her, heading towards her own locker.
Minha was the last in finishing laps training, again. It only threw her back into the loop of questions about her skills, and what the hell does she wants from swimming that she barely managed to get out from... years ago.
"That doesn't mean I can't help here." Hyemi didn't seem upset, in fact, she was still smiling.
"You're bad at helping too." Her voice was low, Minha focused on getting her things, she needed sleep, badly. And a lot of things that were related to Kyungri.
She held her sighs in, annoyed by the simple thought of failing at swimming again.
,
After all these years together, it still amazes Kyungri how her heart would race the moment she sees Minha. By the love that filled it, and the bond that her soul formed with Minha's, she would know how deeply in love she was. It was never clear to Kyungri which aspect was stronger, but at that moment, however, as she stood near the bench at Minha's dormitory, she knew it was the anger towards Minha that made her heart pound.
She didn't have the right to be angry, Kyungri knew that, but she was and every bit of her was craving for Minha again.
The younger girl couldn't hide her surprise, her steps slowing down on the sidewalk. Minha didn't avoid looking at her eyes, she was glad for that. She missed those eyes.
As Minha walked closer, Kyungri could feel the calmness of the night that set her nerves on a trampoline for the last half an hour now became no match for Minha's, the one that always engulfed her with a clarity of emotions. She could feel that calmness, reaching out for her heart as if it didn't desire someone else. As if nothing ever changed.
Minha stopped, a noticeable space between them. Kyungri didn't wonder why her hair was dryly ruffled, and why she was holding a sport bag. She focused on the one thing that she haven't seen in a long time. The incurious look in Minha's eyes that made her chase for her interest beyond what friendship could give.
"Can we talk now?" It came out angrily, she couldn't help it, Minha left her for a mistake that she couldn't do.
Minha frowned, just faintly enough for Kyungri to notice. Her long hair that rested on her shoulders was being moved a bit by the somewhat cool wind. She was gazing at her, making her aware of how much she longed for her.
"I don't want to hear your excuses."
"And the truth?" Kyungri ignored the nervousness that tried to shake her. All the reasons that made her come here seeming unhelpful now. "I didn't cheat on you." She said when Minha remained silent, her expressions unchanging. "I was with her that night, but I didn't... cheat on you."
There was nothing right to be said, only the truth that held her ashamed. And as she stood there, pinned by Minha's gaze, that even at that moment, she could feel it pulling her into Minha's world, she felt small.
"I wanted to be with her. I don't even know why, she was just there." It pained her to say those words to the girl she was in love with. She looked away for a second, "You became distant from me an--"
"I was going to leave you." Minha let out with, calmly, with anger that she never saw before. "Since before I knew, I was going to leave you!"
An anger that threw her out of her world.
Kyungri stared at her, looking for the lie in her words. She couldn't find a word to say, or a voice to try.
That world, Minha's world that's only accessible with Minha's permission. Through her eyes, and lingering, soft touch. Through the love that built bridges of passion and desire to let her in, it wasn't a quiet world.
"Wha..."
That world was full of crystalline mazes that Kyungri was never lost in, it had moody clouds just as much as it was bright with unconditional warmth.
She was out of it now, forbidden from having even a glimpse at it.
Minha had walked past her, Kyungri spoke her name. And said it again a bit louder, turning to her.
"Why?!"
"Your mother told me about the scholarship." She faced her.
"I never asked you to refuse it! I never asked you to stay! You lied, Kyungri, she told me everything about your feelings for me that were all lies! Nothing but pity you wanted to piss off your fami--"
Kyungri crossed the little space between them, pieces of the reason that pushed them away from each other for the last three months joined together. Showing her the ugliness that was her mother's intent. Those words that Minha just said, were her mother's.
Her mother, who never approved of her relationship with Minha.
She held Minha, her whole being screaming the need to have her safe in her arms again. Safe from her mother, safe from the lies.
But the moment she touched Minha, the latter resisted.
"And you trust my mother?!"
She was holding Minha from her elbow strongly. Kyungri knew that her own anger, which finally had a solid reason to be there, was showing on her face; in their stare. She didn't want that.
"Do you?!"
Minha didn't answer. Minha didn't look away, and didn't keep resisting. She only made Kyungri's soul drew nearer to her own, with the closeness they were sharing, with their warmth that tangled together, Kyungri felt that pull. She felt it in the beat of her heart, in the tears that gathered in her eyes.
"I asked her for her blessings to marry you, Minha! Why do you think she told you now? After all these years, why now?!" Kyungri finished with a tear that she wished it didn't fall. She felt weak, thinking of what lies her mother told Minha.
Kyungri tried to pull Minha to her, but the latter made her let go. Tears gleaming in her eyes.
"Why didn't you tell me?! Why did you say you didn't get it?!" Minha cried out in the calmness around them that suddenly turned into drear.
Minha doesn't cry.
Out of the fear that this was their end, Kyungri wanted to let out the only words that held meaning to all her actions as Minha turned to get inside the building, but how could I loved you really fix everything?
,
Kyungri didn't want to call her mother, she didn't want to hear her voice, but she needed to know. She wanted to understand how could a mother stand in the way of her daughter's happiness.
The street's lights took away bits of her bedroom's darkness. She wasn't crying. Strangely, she managed to resist her need to cry out the hurt she felt, and caused. That need, the tears that were stuck in her eyes, they didn't bother her more than the poisonous words that her mother just spat.
Kyungri felt helpless, her thoughts going back and forth from the small box that was tucked away safely for the last three months, and towards the emptiness in her life that her mother caused.
She was supposed to be spending the time of her life with the love of Minha surrounding her with tenderness. As young, and unprepared for the whole world as they were, they were in love.
,
On her bed, and barely under her blanket, the answers were plain amidst the raging feelings that consumed her energy.
A war, in which both Minha and her tears lost, broke. One had won a battle but not another. Minha didn't know which one pained her the most, doubting Kyungri's love or leaving without letting Kyungri know her real reason. It could be both, Minha won't be surprised by that.
The facts were there, illuminated by the pain they caused. The facts were there, what Kyungri's mother did was helping her find herself, whom she hid in the safety of being with Kyungri.
Minha resisted her tears, she succeeded again.
,
Getting a three days break instead of just a half a day one like Minha asked just showed her how determined Sungah was to not lose any of them. She was thankful for the rest regardless.
It allowed her to fully acknowledge the mistake that could have been avoided if only the trust was there, strong and unshakeable by the shapeless voices.
Several times she thought about calling Kyungri, several times Kyungri did call her. But it was hard, and when somehow she found a strength to answer Kyungri's call, it happened to be Sungah who's calling.
It was late morning of the second day of her break, she didn't tell her why, only to come quickly.
,
Minha kept her cap on her head as she entered the pool, the usual noise that greeted her for the past weeks was absent today, she saw Hyemi and Sojin were sitting beside each other on the benches.
The eldest of the two gestured for her to come. And as she stared at them, she noticed how close they were sitting next to each other.
Minha walked towards them with no hesitation, knowing her I'm okay mask wasn't placed right. She didn't care, what needed to be hidden will stay hidden, and what could cause a drama, not only here, but with Kyungri as well, she would hold it at bay.
Hyemi was smirking when she neared them, while Sojin calmly greeted her with a Good morning.
"Hi." She dropped her bag, and sat on a lower bench when Hyemi furrowed her brows after their eyes met. "What's going on? Where is everyone?"
"With the university's administration." Sojin answered with a smile.
"Why?"
The two shared a look that made Hyemi smile.
"Our three aces..." Hyemi started with a tone, "bought some drug to use in the competition. They already started using, and either they did it wrong or their seller played them. One of them went to the hospital this morning and admitted everything about the other two."
"What?!" It was unbelievable, but the smile Hyemi had on her face was too obvious; too meaningful. "You knew about this?"
"Oh, come on, suddenly they manage to finish two hour laps first? And barely get tired? It wasn't even just that, they must have started using them after coach confirmed there will be scouters from the big name teams in the event. They didn't bother to make it seem... naturally evolved. I'm actually surprised neither one of you noticed."
She was angry about this, Minha could tell from the look she had on her face. Somehow, she was feeling the same as well.
"I knew I wasn't that bad in swimming." She finished, leaning back.
"But..." Sojin looked at her, "your flip-turns..."
"What about them?"
Hyemi stared at the youngest of them, with that look of hers that gets on Minha's nerves sometimes. That softly focused look; the charming with interest to whatever Sojin would say look.
Alright, if something would happen between them, Minha preferred to not know one bit of it. Just the thought of it already made her feel awkward.
She turned, wishing she was in the pool already as Sojin explained herself. The sight of the water was calming, its moving transparency clearing the way for her thoughts to settle for a mere moment.
A big part of the weight on her heart was fading away. She wasn't not improving, she was simply being shadowed by someone's insincerity. Someone that, on that level, was like who could have been her mother-in-law right now.
That thought made her heart pace for a bit, she was in love with Kyungri and if the question had been asked, she would have said yes. Minha realized it clearly now, she was too in love that she thought leaving Kyungri would bring her back the future she thought she had taken away from her. She was too in love to realize what she was in life, and what she could be.
,
Minha didn't notice that Sungah came back until the girls greeted her. She seemed upset, no, wait. She seemed very sad. Was she crying?! Minha straightened her back as she neared them.
"How did it go?" Hyemi asked.
"For us or them?"
Yeah, she was crying.
Minha didn't how to feel about that. She knew how much Sungah wanted to win this competition, it was everything she talked about in their first week of training. This win would be the first for their university's team in such an event.
Sungah continued, "Because this isn't an official competition, the rules don't apply fully here, so, this incident won't be listed in their records. But... they will be suspended for the next semester, and forbidden from participating in any official swimming activity for two years. As for us,"
She sat on the first bench, looking at them. "Do you happen to know someone who can swim?"
Silence was all she got from them.
Sighing, she looked at the pool. "We'll hold One-day tryouts. But if we don't find someone by tonight, we will have to withdraw from the competition for this year."
"What?! They can't do that. One-day tryouts? Who would even know about it!"
Silence was all that Minha could give, fully aware of the annoyance that showed in Hyemi's voice.
"Yeah, well, not when this particular case includes drugs. They don't want to risk tainting the school's name. The announcement was already sent to the whole university. Let's just hope people know about it quickly."
It wasn't the administration's decision that made Minha speechless, or the fact that her plans for the summer might not happen, but the furthest memory she had of Kyungri swimming wasn't any less evident than the most recent.
"In situations like this,"
When Sungah started speaking again, Minha tried to keep her focus with them.
"Where people drop out for health reasons, which is the official story by the way." She pointed out, looking at them. "Swimming United agrees to make an exception for the four yea..."
Minha kept staring at the water, letting it know what kind of mess had just formed inside of her.
,
"So, any of you knows someone?"
There was no way this was happening. No, and another No had been said. A pause that stretched the silence made Minha aware of the three pairs of eyes gazing at her.
A simple No was all that she needed to say. Or was she really thinking about calling Kyungri to help them?
She was thinking about calling her; she was thinking about her mistake and the getaway that she needed. About the chance to fix things, and the fact that she left Kyungri without knowing what truth had been twisted.
"Not someone I can call." She finally answered when her name was called, turning to them.
They stared at her for a moment, perhaps she should have just said no. Minha was the first to look away, feeling the awkwardness searching for its place to settle among them.
Sungah didn't allow it.
"Well, we can't just sit here doing nothing." She stood, her words lacking the excitement that used to be always there. "Come on, into the water, all of you."
,
What Sungah meant by "into the water" turned out to be waiting in the water.
Minha watched Sojin starting her lap again, slow but focused and neat. The sunlight that brightened the place wasn't as strong as a few hours ago. No one came yet, and it seemed that the fact they might be already out of the competition had finally gotten to Sungah.
While Hyemi took a back and forth pace, and gave Sojin some notes every few minutes, Sungah took the desk as her favorite place to stare at the distance.
As for Minha, well, to an extent, she managed to ignore the fact that Kyungri wanted to ask her to marry her. To a smaller extent that kept getting smaller, perhaps just to annoy her, she accepted her mistakes and Kyungri's.
The water was warm enough to make her hate getting out of it. It helped her focus on the choices she had left; on what she was feeling, its sound that Sojin's constant strokes caused was as helpful.
She dried her body before sitting on the bench. Every press of her hands felt as if it was taking the ache away. Sadness that exhausted her, regret that bit at her heart showed her what her love for Kyungri lacked.
"Who is she?"
Hyemi's voice came sudden, stilling her loud thoughts. She sat next to her, looking at her.
Her voice was too soft. As if she knew things weren't okay. Minha felt it.
"My girlfriend. Kyungri."
Minha wasn't sure if Hyemi was surprised to hear that, or simply having no funny comment to give.
"We got into a fight the other night. Sort of." She continued anyway.
"Is that why you look awful today?"
Oh, here it started.
,
"What happened?"
It wasn't so hard to think of what to say, Minha noticed, staring at the water.
"I thought she was stuck with me. We were together for so long, and I thought she was stuck with me. Because of her mother."
Then again, perhaps it was Hyemi, and the fact that even though it wasn't long since they first met, Minha felt like they were continuing a friendship that had long started.
A caring look became clear in her eyes.
"Her mother said she stayed with me all these years because she didn't want to hurt my feelings, by leaving me. And I let her words get to me." She lowered her gaze, feeling everything that she felt day, standing in front Kyungri's mother.
,
"Kyungri refused a scholarship a few months after we started dating," Minha continued, "she always talked about that university and how great it was. At that time, my family and I were going through a rough time, and she was always there for me. With me that I didn't want her to be away. Ever." She paused, her eyes fixed at Sungah finally getting up. She was watching Sojin's movement in the water. "Kyungri told me she didn't get it, and we never talked about it after that. Like it never mattered."
Hyemi remained silent, and Minha appreciated that.
"Months ago, we were at a gathering with her family. It went well, it went really well, we were so happy. I never saw Kyungri this happy about her family, we thought they were finally okay with us being together." A smile tickled her lips. "It was... nice." And it seemed that Hyemi caught a bit of the happiness that this memory brought. She smiled as well.
"But... days later, Kyungri's mother came to see me. She told me about the scholarship, and how Kyungri ruined her future because of me. That her lov--" Minha felt her stomach clench. She focused on the water. "That her feelings for me weren't honest, that they were pity and guilt because my life was a mess. And I... believed her over what I felt."
,
"I tried not to." She sighed, letting out her regret. "But in the same time, I couldn't ignore the thought that I stood in her way." She looked at Hyemi before looking at the pool again.
Sungah was explaining something to Sojin, showing her a movement with her arms. Calmness surrounded them at she felt Hyemi looking at the same scene.
"Did you?" Hyemi asked with a soft smile. "Stand in her way?"
"No."
"Then why did you leave?"
"We... we were together for so long that it became too safe to let go of her. And that scared me. I didn't want her to see me as weak. I didn't want to see myself as weak."
,
"Kyungri and I, we barely spoke with each other after that day, I didn't tell her that her mother came, and decided to leave without talking to her about it. I just didn't know what to believe any more. I... it was stupid of me to let her mother confuse me about our feelings for each other."
"Oh, don't be hard on yourself."
Minha frowned, pushing her slightly. "Shut up." She didn't really mind the teasing.
"Her mother never accepted our relationship." Her voice wasn't empty of the sadness that Kyungri's mother caused. With each word, there was a memory that still brings tears to Kyungri's eyes, and hers. "We come from two, very different worlds and she just couldn't accept that."
,
"So, it is all your fault?" Hyemi asked after a moment.
"No, Kyungri wanted to cheat on me. I knew about it a week before I was supposed to leave."
"Oh..."
It felt nice, letting all of the weight hurting her shoulders fall. She felt the height she could reach after letting go of it, and saw the bigger picture she should see.
"It is all your fault." Hyemi spoke again.
"Kyungri should have told me the truth long ago."
"So you would react the same way much earlier?"
"What makes you think I'd react the same?"
"Everything. It's practically showing all over you that you'll do something like that."
"No, it doesn't."
"Yes, it does." Hyemi faced her fully. "It is like "I'll do something stupid", "I'll something really stupid" all over here." She made a motion with her hands as if these thoughts were clouds emanating from Minha.
Minha didn't like that, her own smile stuck on her face as she kept hitting Hyemi, who couldn't stop laughing.
,
One of the things Kyungri was good at doing when angry, and barely had any food in her stomach was staring at her laptop's screen and wait for work to finish itself. Every word she would type ended up being a word she wanted to tell Minha.
Frustration got to her, regardless of how many deep breaths she took, or sighed. She made a mistake, two actually, and all the What Ifs she had about them never gave her a hint about Minha leaving.
Their place felt empty, their place; their home, that they worked hard to get on their own now was missing the presence of Minha. Her mornings, like this one, were dull, and the days were nothing but a repeated moment.
Except, that moment never included the apartment's door being opened by someone other than her.
Kyungri quickly got up, her heart racing by all sorts of emotions that took sleep away from her, and gave it back to her as long hours of staring in the darkness, and searching for answers.
Tall and beautiful, the person she longed for came in her sight, calm, and keeping the door opened.
The silence remained unbroken.
Something tickled her eyes, Kyungri hoped it wasn't tears, she fought it. Everything around her screamed the completeness, but not her mind; not her heart, Minha wasn't home yet.
"I need your help." Minha finally spoke, calmly and... hesitant.
Kyungri furrowed her brows as her girlfriend closed the door. Minha wasn't home yet.
,
Kyungri waited for her to come inside, standing there quietly as if any move would make things worse. She was worried, of course, she'd be instantly worried regardless of what was happening between them.
"What's wrong?"
It was a rushed thought that didn't wait for Kyungri to decide whether she wanted to ask, or not.
She's really hesitating, Kyungri would never miss Minha's fast blinking when she looked down for a second. That tiny movement that Minha rarely does, made her realize she was actually there. So close to see how tired she was, yet so out of reach to be held in her arms.
Minha folded her arms, staring at her with nervousness showing in her eyes.
"I joined the swimming team." She said after a moment.
The storming feelings that Kyungri was desperately controlling paused.
"What?"
"I didn't really join. There is this open water competition that's happening in less than three weeks," Minha didn't lack the confidence in her voice that Kyungri was used to, "and the teams are all consisted of non active swimmers. It's just a special event that happens every other year. We'll leave after two weeks for May Byul lake."
Kyungri was still lost as to why Minha was telling her this when they haven't made up yet. Her hands that were fists, Kyungri noticed them.
"Wait, what? But you never wanted to swim again."
Minha tried to say something, but stopped, looking away for a moment that gave Kyungri the chance to realize the memories.
"Four members are required for each team to join, and... we don't have four members in ours. So, I need your help." She finished.
These memories that Kyungri loved thinking about every now and then, became faint against her calmed-till-now anger that clutched to every word rushing to the tip of her tongue.
"That's why you're here?!"
Minha was staring at her steadily. "I know it isn't the best time to ask you this, Kyungri. I wouldn't ask if we had someone else."
It was hurting her chest, that anger that made every beat of her heart painful.
"Yo-- you wouldn't ask?! Did you even plan to talk to me any time soon?"
Her voice was loud, she realized it with how Minha's gaze remained calm. Torturing her with that obvious distance between them.
"Fuck it, Minha! Do you realize what's happening between us? Do you care?" It didn't make sense, they weren't okay yet. "Do you have any idea how my life was since you left?"
"I'm not here to talk about us--"
"When then?" Kyungri's hands shook faintly. "When were going to talk to me, Minha? You know the truth, you know everything now, I didn't cheat on you! My mother's a mess that I don't understand, and if you were not sure I loved you, now you do. So, what are you doing? Why are you acting like we barely knew each other?"
"I'm not! That's why I'm here, asking you when things aren't okay." Her eyes were vivid, for a second as her voice became loud, there was more than the calmness.
"We were friends, I don't know if we still are, but I'm asking you as my friend."
Kyungri reached to hold her, hesitant but not wanting to step back. Tenderly, she held her arms. "No, no, Minha, I'm more than that! I didn't mean to lie to you. For God's sake, Minha, I just wanted to be with you, why do you still doubt that?"
"I'm not!" Minha said, firmly, her face red and anger was a dark sparkle in her eyes. "It's me who I doubt."
Next
Author: tide_ms
Rating: R
Fandom: Nine Muses
Pairing(s)/Focus: Kyungri/Minha. (Hyemi/Sojin. barely)
Length: 18,076
Summary: A journey to learn about what love can and can't do. One that will make both Minha and Kyungri realize what it takes to love someone; to save that love.
Warnings: Minor incidents in the water. Family being against your relationship?
Notes: This was fun to write, and full of emotions. (Because favorite OTP, and all I want to do right now is to swim again ;_;)
I hope it won't be a boring read. Thank you to thunggyu for brainstorming.
Their lazy laughter shattered the midnight's silence around them. The weather was cold to anyone but Minha, who had Kyungri to keep her warm as they entered their apartment.
Fuzzy feelings were taking over her, but she was still sober enough to realize the questions in her head. Questions asking about both of her pain and love, echoing loudly for her to notice.
Love, shouldn't she trust that love she always cherished? And protect it from the whole world, from the one person whom she knew would never want that love to bloom?
But it was more than that, wasn't it?
Minha ignored these pressing questions, Kyungri's happiness that brightened her face was all that mattered at that moment.
They were celebrating the happy beginning of Kyungri's career, a beginning that Minha wished had come long before she decided to leave, and long before she knew the secret behind the guilt that had been showing in Kyungri's eyes as of late.
Kyungri's tired voice sounded louder on her ears than it actually was when she said I still can't believe I got the internship. She faced Minha, looking at her with fondness that the light of the kitchen helped her see.
She let Kyungri pull her closer, her heart started to race for a million of reasons when it used to be Love only. She hugged Kyungri back as the latter nuzzled her neck, her voice becoming lower when she spoke again.
"I couldn't have made it this far without you, Minha."
She could have, and Minha knew that, she could have done everything she wanted if it wasn't for... Minha.
She tightened the hug, a bitter happiness engulfing her as Kyungri started kissing her neck and jaw. Sweet kisses that, along with the tipsiness of alcohol, created miniature vortexes of desirable warmth inside of her. Just for tonight, Minha decided, just for this moment, she wanted to be with Kyungri with only the love they had for each other.
The kisses deepened, and Minha shuddered. She closed her eyes when her breaths became unsteady. Her own hands tingled, desperately wanting to touch more of Kyungri. Just for tonight, Minha wanted to forget that Kyungri had cheated on her.
,
Minha wasn't in a hurry when the morning's sun was at its most brightness. The soft snoring of Kyungri eased the moment, taking its seriousness away. She was sitting at the desk, a pen between her fingers, and staring at the blank paper in front of her.
A new page to be filled.
Minha knew that writing a break up letter wasn't the best choice she could make, not for her or Kyungri, yet it was the best for the situation they both were in.
Neatly, She started writing, but with hesitation that faced her with the fact that she was running away instead of staying and confronting Kyungri.
But... how could she?
Kyungri let go of everything because she couldn't let go of her. Kyungri didn't just give her her heart as a lover, she gave up her dreams to stay with her, to make her... happy. And somehow, the idea of her long-term girlfriend, her best friend since high school, shouting that fact at her seemed more painful than anything else.
,
A short while passed. Two weeks and more, Kyungri didn't call her yet, and that only meant that the older girl didn't miss the firm meaning Minha left behind her words. Which sounded stupid now the more she thought of them, her written words that told Kyungri to not try contacting her, and stay away for a while. Those words sounded not like her at all now.
Minha didn't try to stop herself from thinking about the past, about her Kyungri, and how did her first day at the company go. Did she forget where she placed her keys again? And which bus did she decide to take in order to reach her work faster?
Even now, as she walked back to her dorm, all that she thought about was Kyungri.
Minha sighed. The unending thoughts about her life weren't the best part of her days.
Music from the celebrations of the school year ending were becoming louder the more she neared the dormitories' area, and Minha didn't like that. She walked with no rush, heading to her place. Maybe if she arrived late to her dorm she wouldn't catch most of the partying's noise. Maybe.
Just a few more minutes and she'll be at her doorstep, just one more building to walk past by, the indoor pool, that strangely had all of its lights on, and she'll be on her bed.
Minha stopped in her tracks, her footsteps' sound disappeared, letting the quietness around her sound. Guessing why the lights were on at this late hour was one thought that Minha couldn't ignore. It was unusual, but then again, what did she know about the swimming team of her university?
A moment passed before Minha made her next step. She walked towards the building with the high windows, thinking about how it has been a long, very long time since she swam. Unexpectedly, with each step closer, the thoughts of swimming brought nothing but a nice feeling.
,
The humidity that hit her after getting inside was sudden, but not strange to her. It brought a small smile to her face, prompted by old memories.
A quick look at the empty place made her think a celebration had happened here with all those shiny flyers that said Annual, and Open Water... and something that Minha didn't really care to read. They were placed on the walls. There were also balloons, of the colors yellow and white, hanging here and there all over the place.
Minha neared the pool, loving the dancing reflection of the lights, the was caused by the rippling water, on the walls and brown benches. That sight was enough to soothe her with a long forgotten, beautiful warmth. Increasing by not only the images in her mind, reminding her of her very first kicks in swimming, and how it felt to pierce the water, hoping for a sweet win, but also by the memories of how it felt to surrender to the water, and feel it carrying her.
Minha couldn't look away from the water, the lanes faintly moving. It has been years since she last swam in a pool with the purpose of swimming, and remembering everything just now let an energy flow inside her. She felt tempted to jump in and try it.
That feeling made her turn to leave all of sudden, firmly holding her sigh in, wanting to force the reminiscing to stop.
She didn't move an inch. Hearing the quietness telling her how amazing it'll feel to cross the pool swimming.
,
Excitement made her heart race, sending shivers through her body. Minha stood at the edge of the pool in her underwears only, her wavy, black hair tickling her back.
She crouched down. Slowly, getting in. The moment the water touched her toes, she ignored everything. The moment it carried her weight, she smiled, letting the familiar feeling that the water gave engulf her.
,
The way she should move and balance herself, it was amazing to feel all of that again. Minha remembered all of it as if she had never stopped swimming.
She pushed herself down, under the water.
What was she even doing here? It didn't matter, she didn't really know either. Minha closed her eyes, feeling her hair becoming heavy and light at the same time. Like reliving a beautiful moment, one that she forgot how much she loved, Minha breathed out steadily, gathering her strength and adjusting herself. She moved her arms to keep her feet stuck to the wall, waiting for the right moment; the right heartbeat to push. And when she did, she realized how strong she was.
It was a good start that let her swim through the water with a speed, heading to the surface, her arms remaining extended straight as she moved one at a time. Minha was relaxed, turning her head left after one stroke, and right after another stroke to take her breath. Her movement was fast, and Minha knew that; felt that, and the comfort that embraced her soul because of that was acknowledged.
Without her notice, Kyungri had faded into the calmness of her mind the moment she pierced the water.
,
It wasn't until the mid of the second lap that Minha felt ache attacking her joints and muscles in a way that she couldn't neglect. She slowed down, reaching the lane on her left, her heartbeats were fast, threatening to make her faint. Her eyes were hurting her, and the lights felt too bright that she closed her eyes. As she held the lane while moving, all that Minha could feel was herself being unable to avoid one bit of the rush that had bursted inside of her.
"You're in!"
Minha flinched, opening her eyes. There was a woman with short hair on her left, heading to the edge of the pool. She was clapping, excitedly, and that somewhat made her eardrums ring. Minha hurried to reach the end, ignoring the tiredness.
"What's your name, year, and age?"
The tall girl felt a bit embarrassed to get out of the water, but she did. Her head was spinning as the woman stood in front of her, a towel in her hand. She seemed very happy, and that made Minha less nervous about breaking some rule.
"And when was the last time you swam?"
"I'm n..." She took the towel that was extended to her, "What?"
"The last time you swam. It's required that you haven't swum for at least four years, but from what I've seen just now, it seems less."
She was... pouting, holding her hands together. Minha dried her face, not having any idea about what's going on other than the woman had a nice hair.
"Eight years. Or so." Minha finally said.
The woman gasped, without a sound, her features brightening. "Oh my god, really?! Oh, sorry. Hello, I'm Sungah, the coach. You have passed! Though, late since the tryouts ended today, but I'm glad you made it! Welcome to the Fifth Annual Celebration of Swimming United in Open Water's competition!"
Oh...
Minha blinked, realizing what just happened. She extended her hand to shake the coach's, not a single attempt to clear what was she doing in the pool crossed her mind. Her thoughts were as calm as the smile she gave Sungah.
,
Minha didn't sleep that night, an overflowing joy that she couldn't ignore kept her fully awake, thinking about how taking this unexpected turn was... well, making sense.
She had been accepted to join the swimming team that especially for this event, was consisted of non active swimmers, and there was nothing better to do than searching about Open Water swimming till the sunlight illuminated her room.
In a way, it did make sense, she loved swimming, or used to at least. And now that that feeling had been awakened, she loved the idea of spending the summer being unable to avoid thinking about Kyungri and their relationship less.
,
It was still early morning when Minha reached the indoor pool. She was excited, it might not show; it didn't show, no one would ever guess that the excitement had her ready to leave her room a few minutes before the set time.
Kyungri hadn't left her mind, and Minha didn't bother to fight back that morning.
The noise inside wasn't that loud, and she liked that. There were drastically fewer people than she thought there would and that had her stop walking, for a tiny moment as the hesitation poked at her. She took a deep breath, and another one when the coach welcomed her. Minha walked towards the benches where everyone was sitting, twelve girls or less, hoping she wasn't too visible among them.
,
"Alright, there are two more who still haven't arrived yet, but we'll have to start without them." The coach spoke brightly, her back to the pool. "The important thing you need to know is that this competition is not about winning or losing, or... or awesome swimming and techniques, it is a friendly event where most of the income will go to charity." She was looking at each one of them. "But it is still a big event, so you have to win. If only for one round."
Her smile was wide, radiating with excitement that barely was reflected on the some, sleepy girls.
Sungah continued, "We'll be practicing here in the university's pool for five weeks, then only two days in May Byul lake, where the competition will take place. This is meant to test your skills, and quick adjustment to the new water."
Minha kept thinking about how the coach's big smile was more evident to notice than the seriousness. She liked that. It was a good sign, it was needed.
,
They were eleven girls in total, some with experience in swimming and others not. Still, all of them had to undergo the basic training.
Skills get rusty, The coach explained, your body remembers how to swim, your mind does as well, but they aren't in sync. She told them as they got into the water.
"Now, things you need to know."
The coach took their attention again, but Minha kept her eyes on the moving water. The clumsy movements of some of the girls on both of her sides couldn't bother her. She remembered this, how it was to be in the water with others, eagerly wanting to reach the finish line first.
Sungah was standing on their left. "Training will be intense, and the only thing you'll focus on for the next month. Some of you might not handle that, and quit. Which is completely fine, no shame in quitting if it is too much for you. Just know that if you finished the third week of training, you will be obligated to finish this competition."
There was silence upon saying that, but no one seemed to object to that detail.
"The team's name is your responsibility now, the university is depending on you." She finished.
Minha looked at her, it felt nice to hear that. Somehow, it felt like they were actual members of the swimming team.
"Or just four of you since that's the minimum required for each team to join this event." Sungah added cheerfully, twinkles in her eyes, "but let's hope none of you will quit!"
Minha felt stings in her legs, she wanted to start already, she wanted the water take away the chance to yearn for Kyungri from her heart. Like it did last night.
"Oh, one last thing! The rules!" The coach spoke again, just when they were getting ready.
It made some of the girls complain.
"It's summer I know, but no partying is allowed, no alcohol, no freely eating whatever you want, and most importantly, no intimate relationships."
Sungah might have said that a bit too happily.
The girls laughed it off, because there is no way Sungah was serious about that. Right? Minha just smiled, returning her focus to this... to herself.
,
Fourteen hours a day for training kept Minha busy for the most part, her mornings were all about waking up, and head straight to the pool only to do warm ups that aimed to help her endure the hard training coming ahead. The afternoons went slowly with just four hours in the water. She still managed to finish her required laps before the night sky appears. While her nights were calm, every one of them. She would finish late, with barely enough strength in her body to take off her shoes and drop herself on the bed, but with another improvement in breathing control.
Training left her no time to wonder if what made her body sore was the familiar practicing, or the longing for Kyungri that the water hid one day, and didn't the next. She wanted to be with her, even after knowing everything, she wanted things to be okay with them again.
,
Regret about leaving the way she did lurked behind every other thought, Minha realized that; hated that. And by the ninth day of training, the goal to move on, and the growing hope of accomplishing something in swimming after all these years were mixed together in a way that didn't confuse her about how strong they were.
Oh, and four girls had already left.
,
Minha closed her eyes once she became steady under water. She could feel the faint, underwater waves caused by the other six girls as they strived to hold their breaths as long as they can. Wanting to count the seconds in her head was easy to avoid, a serenity slowly forming around every word, around that big part of her soul that still wants Kyungri to call her, and do something!
A newborn feeling it was, but enough to make her realize every single ounce in her body.
The sudden wave that she felt on her side meant another girl had reached her limit.
Minha opened her eyes and... smiled, her heart racing. They were three girls now, one with a short, blonde hair, looking at her then at the long, brown-haired girl on her right with her usual calm smile. Almost with a wondering look in her eyes, Minha felt every time she saw Sojin smiling.
Time felt slow as her gaze met Hyemi's, whom desire to be the winner in this shone in her eyes, not even her goggles managed to dim it down. She smirked at her, and the blonde girl pushed herself up.
Minha watched her leave before returning her eyes to Hyemi, just for a heartbeat before she also pushed herself up.
Through the water and her own unsettled emotions, she reached the air and took a breath that wasn't just into her lungs, but into her whole as well. Her mind was clear, at that very moment, with Hyemi just a second late to reach the surface and an arm length away from her, all that Minha felt was a pure happiness forming inside of her.
,
As the days passed, the longing for the warm touch was still there, Minha realizes it the moment she wakes up every morning, and ignores it as fast.
"So, why are you here?" Hyemi asked one morning, her voice was so calm amidst the other girls' voices. She was leaning on the locker next to hers, her gaze as steady as how Minha felt that morning.
"Here?"
"Spending the summer here. In this competition."
The answer was there, right at the top of her head. "No particular reason." Minha returned her focus on folding her own clothes.
"And you?" She asked when the moment turned quiet, looking at Hyemi, her rival according to their coach. Minha still remembers her first impression about Hyemi, she seemed bored at that time. A bit intimidating even if Minha had absolutely no other way to describe that impression, which was no longer there.
"I've never in a competition before." Her answer came after a moment, her gaze had shifted to elsewhere.
"How is it so far?"
Minha looked at where Hyemi's eyes were lingering at. Her brows Furrowed for a brief moment as she stared at Sojin, who walked to her locker.
"Interesting." Hyemi took her attention again. "I like it," her features softening with a smile. Minha didn't notice they weren't.
A sting pained her heart as Hyemi told her to hurry so they can start warming up. A thought, a strange one, that made her stomach clench, had crossed her mind. What if Kyungri was with someone already? And all that love she felt from her was indeed a lie?
It has been almost month now since their one-sided break up, Minha kept track. The friendship that was no longer there, the unwavering love in her heart for Kyungri. Her own wandering self, everything felt real now. A very inescapable reality.
,
Sometimes, it would seem that Sungah blows her whistle just to annoy them. Her shouts that meant to make them move faster, and the gaze that turned a bit too serious after another girl had left were both helping and nerve-wracking.
Alright, that's it for today. Good job, everyone. She would tell them every night.
One by one, they got out of the pool, letting the water make its last sound for the night. It trickled down their tired bodies, their footsteps matching in pace. The competition drew nearer and the training became harder, Minha didn't mind those two parts comparing to the fact that she wasn't improving as much as the others. Thinking about that, with other important emotions demanding her attention, gave her a headache. And might have made her a bit tensed.
"He--"
Minha flinched when someone put her arm around her shoulders.
"Uh, sorry. I didn't mean to scare you." Hyemi spoke gently, which was more surprising actually.
The taller girl shook her head, a towel that she didn't bother to use in her hands. "I was just thinking." Despite the little clothes they wore, and the wet skin, she didn't mind the closeness as they headed to the lockers.
She had became fond of Hyemi, as a friend and the latter seemed to be on the same page with her. It was one of the few things that she liked about her summer so far. Of course, her liking wasn't too steady when Hyemi finished her laps before her.
"About your strokes?"
"Yeah."
"Hm, I think it's because you don't pull your arms fast enough that they aren't good, you focus too mu--"
Minha shook her arm off of her, walking faster.
"Hey! I'm trying to help." Hyemi spoke loudly, laughing.
"You placed fifth! And your flip-turns are bad, how are you going to help me?" Minha looked at her, heading towards her own locker.
Minha was the last in finishing laps training, again. It only threw her back into the loop of questions about her skills, and what the hell does she wants from swimming that she barely managed to get out from... years ago.
"That doesn't mean I can't help here." Hyemi didn't seem upset, in fact, she was still smiling.
"You're bad at helping too." Her voice was low, Minha focused on getting her things, she needed sleep, badly. And a lot of things that were related to Kyungri.
She held her sighs in, annoyed by the simple thought of failing at swimming again.
,
After all these years together, it still amazes Kyungri how her heart would race the moment she sees Minha. By the love that filled it, and the bond that her soul formed with Minha's, she would know how deeply in love she was. It was never clear to Kyungri which aspect was stronger, but at that moment, however, as she stood near the bench at Minha's dormitory, she knew it was the anger towards Minha that made her heart pound.
She didn't have the right to be angry, Kyungri knew that, but she was and every bit of her was craving for Minha again.
The younger girl couldn't hide her surprise, her steps slowing down on the sidewalk. Minha didn't avoid looking at her eyes, she was glad for that. She missed those eyes.
As Minha walked closer, Kyungri could feel the calmness of the night that set her nerves on a trampoline for the last half an hour now became no match for Minha's, the one that always engulfed her with a clarity of emotions. She could feel that calmness, reaching out for her heart as if it didn't desire someone else. As if nothing ever changed.
Minha stopped, a noticeable space between them. Kyungri didn't wonder why her hair was dryly ruffled, and why she was holding a sport bag. She focused on the one thing that she haven't seen in a long time. The incurious look in Minha's eyes that made her chase for her interest beyond what friendship could give.
"Can we talk now?" It came out angrily, she couldn't help it, Minha left her for a mistake that she couldn't do.
Minha frowned, just faintly enough for Kyungri to notice. Her long hair that rested on her shoulders was being moved a bit by the somewhat cool wind. She was gazing at her, making her aware of how much she longed for her.
"I don't want to hear your excuses."
"And the truth?" Kyungri ignored the nervousness that tried to shake her. All the reasons that made her come here seeming unhelpful now. "I didn't cheat on you." She said when Minha remained silent, her expressions unchanging. "I was with her that night, but I didn't... cheat on you."
There was nothing right to be said, only the truth that held her ashamed. And as she stood there, pinned by Minha's gaze, that even at that moment, she could feel it pulling her into Minha's world, she felt small.
"I wanted to be with her. I don't even know why, she was just there." It pained her to say those words to the girl she was in love with. She looked away for a second, "You became distant from me an--"
"I was going to leave you." Minha let out with, calmly, with anger that she never saw before. "Since before I knew, I was going to leave you!"
An anger that threw her out of her world.
Kyungri stared at her, looking for the lie in her words. She couldn't find a word to say, or a voice to try.
That world, Minha's world that's only accessible with Minha's permission. Through her eyes, and lingering, soft touch. Through the love that built bridges of passion and desire to let her in, it wasn't a quiet world.
"Wha..."
That world was full of crystalline mazes that Kyungri was never lost in, it had moody clouds just as much as it was bright with unconditional warmth.
She was out of it now, forbidden from having even a glimpse at it.
Minha had walked past her, Kyungri spoke her name. And said it again a bit louder, turning to her.
"Why?!"
"Your mother told me about the scholarship." She faced her.
"I never asked you to refuse it! I never asked you to stay! You lied, Kyungri, she told me everything about your feelings for me that were all lies! Nothing but pity you wanted to piss off your fami--"
Kyungri crossed the little space between them, pieces of the reason that pushed them away from each other for the last three months joined together. Showing her the ugliness that was her mother's intent. Those words that Minha just said, were her mother's.
Her mother, who never approved of her relationship with Minha.
She held Minha, her whole being screaming the need to have her safe in her arms again. Safe from her mother, safe from the lies.
But the moment she touched Minha, the latter resisted.
"And you trust my mother?!"
She was holding Minha from her elbow strongly. Kyungri knew that her own anger, which finally had a solid reason to be there, was showing on her face; in their stare. She didn't want that.
"Do you?!"
Minha didn't answer. Minha didn't look away, and didn't keep resisting. She only made Kyungri's soul drew nearer to her own, with the closeness they were sharing, with their warmth that tangled together, Kyungri felt that pull. She felt it in the beat of her heart, in the tears that gathered in her eyes.
"I asked her for her blessings to marry you, Minha! Why do you think she told you now? After all these years, why now?!" Kyungri finished with a tear that she wished it didn't fall. She felt weak, thinking of what lies her mother told Minha.
Kyungri tried to pull Minha to her, but the latter made her let go. Tears gleaming in her eyes.
"Why didn't you tell me?! Why did you say you didn't get it?!" Minha cried out in the calmness around them that suddenly turned into drear.
Minha doesn't cry.
Out of the fear that this was their end, Kyungri wanted to let out the only words that held meaning to all her actions as Minha turned to get inside the building, but how could I loved you really fix everything?
,
Kyungri didn't want to call her mother, she didn't want to hear her voice, but she needed to know. She wanted to understand how could a mother stand in the way of her daughter's happiness.
The street's lights took away bits of her bedroom's darkness. She wasn't crying. Strangely, she managed to resist her need to cry out the hurt she felt, and caused. That need, the tears that were stuck in her eyes, they didn't bother her more than the poisonous words that her mother just spat.
Kyungri felt helpless, her thoughts going back and forth from the small box that was tucked away safely for the last three months, and towards the emptiness in her life that her mother caused.
She was supposed to be spending the time of her life with the love of Minha surrounding her with tenderness. As young, and unprepared for the whole world as they were, they were in love.
,
On her bed, and barely under her blanket, the answers were plain amidst the raging feelings that consumed her energy.
A war, in which both Minha and her tears lost, broke. One had won a battle but not another. Minha didn't know which one pained her the most, doubting Kyungri's love or leaving without letting Kyungri know her real reason. It could be both, Minha won't be surprised by that.
The facts were there, illuminated by the pain they caused. The facts were there, what Kyungri's mother did was helping her find herself, whom she hid in the safety of being with Kyungri.
Minha resisted her tears, she succeeded again.
,
Getting a three days break instead of just a half a day one like Minha asked just showed her how determined Sungah was to not lose any of them. She was thankful for the rest regardless.
It allowed her to fully acknowledge the mistake that could have been avoided if only the trust was there, strong and unshakeable by the shapeless voices.
Several times she thought about calling Kyungri, several times Kyungri did call her. But it was hard, and when somehow she found a strength to answer Kyungri's call, it happened to be Sungah who's calling.
It was late morning of the second day of her break, she didn't tell her why, only to come quickly.
,
Minha kept her cap on her head as she entered the pool, the usual noise that greeted her for the past weeks was absent today, she saw Hyemi and Sojin were sitting beside each other on the benches.
The eldest of the two gestured for her to come. And as she stared at them, she noticed how close they were sitting next to each other.
Minha walked towards them with no hesitation, knowing her I'm okay mask wasn't placed right. She didn't care, what needed to be hidden will stay hidden, and what could cause a drama, not only here, but with Kyungri as well, she would hold it at bay.
Hyemi was smirking when she neared them, while Sojin calmly greeted her with a Good morning.
"Hi." She dropped her bag, and sat on a lower bench when Hyemi furrowed her brows after their eyes met. "What's going on? Where is everyone?"
"With the university's administration." Sojin answered with a smile.
"Why?"
The two shared a look that made Hyemi smile.
"Our three aces..." Hyemi started with a tone, "bought some drug to use in the competition. They already started using, and either they did it wrong or their seller played them. One of them went to the hospital this morning and admitted everything about the other two."
"What?!" It was unbelievable, but the smile Hyemi had on her face was too obvious; too meaningful. "You knew about this?"
"Oh, come on, suddenly they manage to finish two hour laps first? And barely get tired? It wasn't even just that, they must have started using them after coach confirmed there will be scouters from the big name teams in the event. They didn't bother to make it seem... naturally evolved. I'm actually surprised neither one of you noticed."
She was angry about this, Minha could tell from the look she had on her face. Somehow, she was feeling the same as well.
"I knew I wasn't that bad in swimming." She finished, leaning back.
"But..." Sojin looked at her, "your flip-turns..."
"What about them?"
Hyemi stared at the youngest of them, with that look of hers that gets on Minha's nerves sometimes. That softly focused look; the charming with interest to whatever Sojin would say look.
Alright, if something would happen between them, Minha preferred to not know one bit of it. Just the thought of it already made her feel awkward.
She turned, wishing she was in the pool already as Sojin explained herself. The sight of the water was calming, its moving transparency clearing the way for her thoughts to settle for a mere moment.
A big part of the weight on her heart was fading away. She wasn't not improving, she was simply being shadowed by someone's insincerity. Someone that, on that level, was like who could have been her mother-in-law right now.
That thought made her heart pace for a bit, she was in love with Kyungri and if the question had been asked, she would have said yes. Minha realized it clearly now, she was too in love that she thought leaving Kyungri would bring her back the future she thought she had taken away from her. She was too in love to realize what she was in life, and what she could be.
,
Minha didn't notice that Sungah came back until the girls greeted her. She seemed upset, no, wait. She seemed very sad. Was she crying?! Minha straightened her back as she neared them.
"How did it go?" Hyemi asked.
"For us or them?"
Yeah, she was crying.
Minha didn't how to feel about that. She knew how much Sungah wanted to win this competition, it was everything she talked about in their first week of training. This win would be the first for their university's team in such an event.
Sungah continued, "Because this isn't an official competition, the rules don't apply fully here, so, this incident won't be listed in their records. But... they will be suspended for the next semester, and forbidden from participating in any official swimming activity for two years. As for us,"
She sat on the first bench, looking at them. "Do you happen to know someone who can swim?"
Silence was all she got from them.
Sighing, she looked at the pool. "We'll hold One-day tryouts. But if we don't find someone by tonight, we will have to withdraw from the competition for this year."
"What?! They can't do that. One-day tryouts? Who would even know about it!"
Silence was all that Minha could give, fully aware of the annoyance that showed in Hyemi's voice.
"Yeah, well, not when this particular case includes drugs. They don't want to risk tainting the school's name. The announcement was already sent to the whole university. Let's just hope people know about it quickly."
It wasn't the administration's decision that made Minha speechless, or the fact that her plans for the summer might not happen, but the furthest memory she had of Kyungri swimming wasn't any less evident than the most recent.
"In situations like this,"
When Sungah started speaking again, Minha tried to keep her focus with them.
"Where people drop out for health reasons, which is the official story by the way." She pointed out, looking at them. "Swimming United agrees to make an exception for the four yea..."
Minha kept staring at the water, letting it know what kind of mess had just formed inside of her.
,
"So, any of you knows someone?"
There was no way this was happening. No, and another No had been said. A pause that stretched the silence made Minha aware of the three pairs of eyes gazing at her.
A simple No was all that she needed to say. Or was she really thinking about calling Kyungri to help them?
She was thinking about calling her; she was thinking about her mistake and the getaway that she needed. About the chance to fix things, and the fact that she left Kyungri without knowing what truth had been twisted.
"Not someone I can call." She finally answered when her name was called, turning to them.
They stared at her for a moment, perhaps she should have just said no. Minha was the first to look away, feeling the awkwardness searching for its place to settle among them.
Sungah didn't allow it.
"Well, we can't just sit here doing nothing." She stood, her words lacking the excitement that used to be always there. "Come on, into the water, all of you."
,
What Sungah meant by "into the water" turned out to be waiting in the water.
Minha watched Sojin starting her lap again, slow but focused and neat. The sunlight that brightened the place wasn't as strong as a few hours ago. No one came yet, and it seemed that the fact they might be already out of the competition had finally gotten to Sungah.
While Hyemi took a back and forth pace, and gave Sojin some notes every few minutes, Sungah took the desk as her favorite place to stare at the distance.
As for Minha, well, to an extent, she managed to ignore the fact that Kyungri wanted to ask her to marry her. To a smaller extent that kept getting smaller, perhaps just to annoy her, she accepted her mistakes and Kyungri's.
The water was warm enough to make her hate getting out of it. It helped her focus on the choices she had left; on what she was feeling, its sound that Sojin's constant strokes caused was as helpful.
She dried her body before sitting on the bench. Every press of her hands felt as if it was taking the ache away. Sadness that exhausted her, regret that bit at her heart showed her what her love for Kyungri lacked.
"Who is she?"
Hyemi's voice came sudden, stilling her loud thoughts. She sat next to her, looking at her.
Her voice was too soft. As if she knew things weren't okay. Minha felt it.
"My girlfriend. Kyungri."
Minha wasn't sure if Hyemi was surprised to hear that, or simply having no funny comment to give.
"We got into a fight the other night. Sort of." She continued anyway.
"Is that why you look awful today?"
Oh, here it started.
,
"What happened?"
It wasn't so hard to think of what to say, Minha noticed, staring at the water.
"I thought she was stuck with me. We were together for so long, and I thought she was stuck with me. Because of her mother."
Then again, perhaps it was Hyemi, and the fact that even though it wasn't long since they first met, Minha felt like they were continuing a friendship that had long started.
A caring look became clear in her eyes.
"Her mother said she stayed with me all these years because she didn't want to hurt my feelings, by leaving me. And I let her words get to me." She lowered her gaze, feeling everything that she felt day, standing in front Kyungri's mother.
,
"Kyungri refused a scholarship a few months after we started dating," Minha continued, "she always talked about that university and how great it was. At that time, my family and I were going through a rough time, and she was always there for me. With me that I didn't want her to be away. Ever." She paused, her eyes fixed at Sungah finally getting up. She was watching Sojin's movement in the water. "Kyungri told me she didn't get it, and we never talked about it after that. Like it never mattered."
Hyemi remained silent, and Minha appreciated that.
"Months ago, we were at a gathering with her family. It went well, it went really well, we were so happy. I never saw Kyungri this happy about her family, we thought they were finally okay with us being together." A smile tickled her lips. "It was... nice." And it seemed that Hyemi caught a bit of the happiness that this memory brought. She smiled as well.
"But... days later, Kyungri's mother came to see me. She told me about the scholarship, and how Kyungri ruined her future because of me. That her lov--" Minha felt her stomach clench. She focused on the water. "That her feelings for me weren't honest, that they were pity and guilt because my life was a mess. And I... believed her over what I felt."
,
"I tried not to." She sighed, letting out her regret. "But in the same time, I couldn't ignore the thought that I stood in her way." She looked at Hyemi before looking at the pool again.
Sungah was explaining something to Sojin, showing her a movement with her arms. Calmness surrounded them at she felt Hyemi looking at the same scene.
"Did you?" Hyemi asked with a soft smile. "Stand in her way?"
"No."
"Then why did you leave?"
"We... we were together for so long that it became too safe to let go of her. And that scared me. I didn't want her to see me as weak. I didn't want to see myself as weak."
,
"Kyungri and I, we barely spoke with each other after that day, I didn't tell her that her mother came, and decided to leave without talking to her about it. I just didn't know what to believe any more. I... it was stupid of me to let her mother confuse me about our feelings for each other."
"Oh, don't be hard on yourself."
Minha frowned, pushing her slightly. "Shut up." She didn't really mind the teasing.
"Her mother never accepted our relationship." Her voice wasn't empty of the sadness that Kyungri's mother caused. With each word, there was a memory that still brings tears to Kyungri's eyes, and hers. "We come from two, very different worlds and she just couldn't accept that."
,
"So, it is all your fault?" Hyemi asked after a moment.
"No, Kyungri wanted to cheat on me. I knew about it a week before I was supposed to leave."
"Oh..."
It felt nice, letting all of the weight hurting her shoulders fall. She felt the height she could reach after letting go of it, and saw the bigger picture she should see.
"It is all your fault." Hyemi spoke again.
"Kyungri should have told me the truth long ago."
"So you would react the same way much earlier?"
"What makes you think I'd react the same?"
"Everything. It's practically showing all over you that you'll do something like that."
"No, it doesn't."
"Yes, it does." Hyemi faced her fully. "It is like "I'll do something stupid", "I'll something really stupid" all over here." She made a motion with her hands as if these thoughts were clouds emanating from Minha.
Minha didn't like that, her own smile stuck on her face as she kept hitting Hyemi, who couldn't stop laughing.
,
One of the things Kyungri was good at doing when angry, and barely had any food in her stomach was staring at her laptop's screen and wait for work to finish itself. Every word she would type ended up being a word she wanted to tell Minha.
Frustration got to her, regardless of how many deep breaths she took, or sighed. She made a mistake, two actually, and all the What Ifs she had about them never gave her a hint about Minha leaving.
Their place felt empty, their place; their home, that they worked hard to get on their own now was missing the presence of Minha. Her mornings, like this one, were dull, and the days were nothing but a repeated moment.
Except, that moment never included the apartment's door being opened by someone other than her.
Kyungri quickly got up, her heart racing by all sorts of emotions that took sleep away from her, and gave it back to her as long hours of staring in the darkness, and searching for answers.
Tall and beautiful, the person she longed for came in her sight, calm, and keeping the door opened.
The silence remained unbroken.
Something tickled her eyes, Kyungri hoped it wasn't tears, she fought it. Everything around her screamed the completeness, but not her mind; not her heart, Minha wasn't home yet.
"I need your help." Minha finally spoke, calmly and... hesitant.
Kyungri furrowed her brows as her girlfriend closed the door. Minha wasn't home yet.
,
Kyungri waited for her to come inside, standing there quietly as if any move would make things worse. She was worried, of course, she'd be instantly worried regardless of what was happening between them.
"What's wrong?"
It was a rushed thought that didn't wait for Kyungri to decide whether she wanted to ask, or not.
She's really hesitating, Kyungri would never miss Minha's fast blinking when she looked down for a second. That tiny movement that Minha rarely does, made her realize she was actually there. So close to see how tired she was, yet so out of reach to be held in her arms.
Minha folded her arms, staring at her with nervousness showing in her eyes.
"I joined the swimming team." She said after a moment.
The storming feelings that Kyungri was desperately controlling paused.
"What?"
"I didn't really join. There is this open water competition that's happening in less than three weeks," Minha didn't lack the confidence in her voice that Kyungri was used to, "and the teams are all consisted of non active swimmers. It's just a special event that happens every other year. We'll leave after two weeks for May Byul lake."
Kyungri was still lost as to why Minha was telling her this when they haven't made up yet. Her hands that were fists, Kyungri noticed them.
"Wait, what? But you never wanted to swim again."
Minha tried to say something, but stopped, looking away for a moment that gave Kyungri the chance to realize the memories.
"Four members are required for each team to join, and... we don't have four members in ours. So, I need your help." She finished.
These memories that Kyungri loved thinking about every now and then, became faint against her calmed-till-now anger that clutched to every word rushing to the tip of her tongue.
"That's why you're here?!"
Minha was staring at her steadily. "I know it isn't the best time to ask you this, Kyungri. I wouldn't ask if we had someone else."
It was hurting her chest, that anger that made every beat of her heart painful.
"Yo-- you wouldn't ask?! Did you even plan to talk to me any time soon?"
Her voice was loud, she realized it with how Minha's gaze remained calm. Torturing her with that obvious distance between them.
"Fuck it, Minha! Do you realize what's happening between us? Do you care?" It didn't make sense, they weren't okay yet. "Do you have any idea how my life was since you left?"
"I'm not here to talk about us--"
"When then?" Kyungri's hands shook faintly. "When were going to talk to me, Minha? You know the truth, you know everything now, I didn't cheat on you! My mother's a mess that I don't understand, and if you were not sure I loved you, now you do. So, what are you doing? Why are you acting like we barely knew each other?"
"I'm not! That's why I'm here, asking you when things aren't okay." Her eyes were vivid, for a second as her voice became loud, there was more than the calmness.
"We were friends, I don't know if we still are, but I'm asking you as my friend."
Kyungri reached to hold her, hesitant but not wanting to step back. Tenderly, she held her arms. "No, no, Minha, I'm more than that! I didn't mean to lie to you. For God's sake, Minha, I just wanted to be with you, why do you still doubt that?"
"I'm not!" Minha said, firmly, her face red and anger was a dark sparkle in her eyes. "It's me who I doubt."
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