I accept chaos, I'm not sure whether it accepts me.

[thelibertine]

Just because I'm not chain-smoking, it doesn't mean I'm okay. I feel like the musicians from the 60s or 70s, or whenever it was, crushed by pressure, fucked up relationships and too many shows, confused by their own emotions, talking too deep for anything they're saying to make any sense, and throwing up at VIP parties. Except I'm not on the road

Comments

[readmyletters]

I think you are meant for something. While it may not seem like it now, I think in given time it will swing your way. I honestly think you need to write a book. Write it Bukowski style. I would read it. I think your book would honestly have more substance to it than half of the shit that's out there.

And as for no one understanding your situation, the past week I've kinda been going through the same thing. Today I realized that I like it in a way. No one can tell my how something went down, how I'm supposed to feel, what I'm supposed to do, any of that. I know that you will be able to get through stuff. I know I don't know or understand, and never will, but I know that you have been able to help me with so much. I'm always here if you need to talk to someone.

[thelibertine]

I've written 2. XD But they'll never get published, because there's no way to publish my stuff under the circumstances, and I don't think the circumstances will ever change. Maybe they'll get published postmortem. But most likely they'll just die with me.

I'm glad you were able to find a positive side in the complexity of your situation. But I can't boast I'm capable of doing the same. The thing is, no one is able to understand my situation, because there was never a case in history, at least not a public one, when a person was in the same situation. People simply don't get it, they've never seen this before, so they think it's not real. So, I don't tell anyone, because I'm sick of proving myself. Thank you for being there for me though. (= It means a lot.

[readmyletters]

You are so nuts in a fabulous way :D I want to read them. Not even shitting you.

That's why ya gotta prove to people it exists and you're not just bitching. Alot of people have been complaining about petty things lately, and in my English class yesterday I just got up and started screaming at all of them. It was a good 15 minutes rant and my teacher just let me go. I just basically told them my life story of the past like 5 months and about how as we were sitting there my grandpa was getting his leg chopped off and shit like that and they all just sat there like :| Holy shit. It was kinda epic for me because I got it all off of my chest to more than a couple of people. I just think though that if there is someone that you can talk to and that can help you through it, it makes the situation a little easier to deal with.

[thelibertine]

Oh my ^_^, thank you. "nuts in a fabulous way" is such an amazing compliment. I can only hope someday I'll get published, but I really kinda doubt it. We'll see

[sugar_beets]

:( You are meant for something but I don't know what. Yes, it is unfair but their is a reason you are still here. Yes, it is sadistic and horrible but there has to be a reason and one day it will all be made clear.

And no, I don't really understand your situation so I feel as I fall into the latter but I know it pains you and that is enough to know.

No one truly understands what someone is going through anyway. Because everyone has different minds and take experiences in different ways.

As for those who lose, no statues aren't made of them and their tales aren't glorified but the losers are the ones who are mourned by the people who care about them instead of a million people who barely care. The loser gets the sincere emotions.

I'm not saying you are a loser because I don't believe you are but if one day, fate lets you have your way and you lose, I will be sure to mourn you.

[thelibertine]

"So make the best of this test and don't ask why, it's not a question but a lesson learned in time." I've always loved that quote. It really sums it up nicely. Everything happens for a reason, but that reason is only made clear when it doesn't really matter anymore. I just think I won't be here to see it. I think if I made it, all of this would make sense somehow. But I don't think I'll make it, because I'm just too tired and I feel like I've already used up all my powers and the fight ahead of me requires way too much. I don't think I really care why anymore. I know what I'm meant for, but maybe God or fate have other plans for me. And to be honest, I'm sick of being a pawn. If the only thing I can do to control my fate anymore is to off myself, that's what I'll do. At least I can fool myself that it was my own decision

[merpatiputih]

Everyone is meant for something and you are no exception.
One day you'll be able to look back and remember this time as a test.
I can't say things will get better for you but I have faith that it will.
Your name says it all, love. Faith. =)

*hugs*

[thelibertine]

Thank you. (=
But you see...this isn't the test. This, being here, now, the past 4 years. It's not the test. What I'm talking about is something I was born with, something way bigger than just these 4 years. There is something I will never be able to pass or eliminate, and that means my entire life is a test. And the only way I can look back on it and remember it as a test is die.

[cousinryfy]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c6M_6qOz-yw