[Christmas-present] I was always here
Title: I was always here
Pairing: Ohmiya, Sakumiya, hinted Sakuraiba
Rating: PG
Genre: Angst, Romance
Disclaimer: I own nothing but the story T^T
Summary: When you asked me where I was when you needed someone, I just wanted to say that I was there. I was always there.
Warning: unbeta-ed :P So sorry for my mistakes.
A/N: Really, a Christmas present is still a Christmas present even when Christmas is over already XD.
This one is for potatoos, who has always been the greatest beta-reader I ever know. Thank you for everything dear ♥♥♥
And for everyone who has always read my fics, left lovely comments here and there, support me with your love for my fics and for me XD XD XD. Hope you guys all had a great Christmas with your beloved ones ♥ I love you all ♥♥♥
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When you asked me where I was when you needed someone, I just wanted to say that I was there. I was always there.
But because you never saw anyone else except him, so I had never once told you that I was always there for you. You always looked at him and when I saw the brightness inside your eyes, which no one could ever bring to you, I felt my heart tighten. And I knew. I just knew that you weren’t the one for me.
But still, I still stubbornly looked at you, when you didn’t notice, or even when you caught my insistent eyes and looked away before I could even send you any mental messages. I was always looking at you, so I always caught the hint of sadness which was always there when you saw him together with someone. And that someone happened to be your best friend.
I knew you didn’t dare to come closer to him because it was him and your best friend and you loved them just so much to think of tearing them apart. You told me that you couldn’t, because you had no confidence and because you had no heart to do so. I was listening to you, yearning for you to understand this burning feeling inside my chest, this nagging thinking of mine whenever you came around. I was listening to you, but my mind wasn’t entirely here but somewhere else, where you were talking about me, about us - I knew it wasn’t real, but still I wanted to see it in your eyes. Something that told me it was worth it to wait for you forever.
When you caught him again, this time kissing your best friend, you cried.
I’d never seen you cried before, because you were strong - or you were pretending to be strong - but this time, you cried. And you ran away, even before I could catch your arm and pulled you back. You were leaving him behind, leaving your best friend behind, leaving me behind, and didn’t once look back. I powerlessly searched for you just to find you hugging yourself in the corner of our green room, and the tears had stopped. You looked so blank that it scared me, because I rarely saw this face of you. You didn’t look up when I sat down beside you, and you didn’t need more than one second to lean to my shoulder.
And then, you cried again.
You were saying and saying, of how much you loved him and how hard it was to just give up and that you decided to give up on him already. And my hand searched for yours, because I didn’t know what else to do. Seeing you broken made my heart broken, and for the first time of my life I wished he had loved you back. He would choose you, not Aiba, but still, the nagging feeling in the bottom of my heart telling me that I was lying. Because I was relieved. I was relieved because he didn’t love you, because that meant I could fight for your love, because that meant you would let me come this close to comfort you. But I wouldn’t like to see you like this. I wanted to see the smile back on your face, but I didn’t know how. You only smiled like that when you looked at him, and because I couldn’t be that person, I closed my eyes, feeling the pain also raising in my chest and tightened my throat. You were saying, but I had stopped listening all together, because it hurt so much. You were hurt so much, and I couldn’t bear that.
When finally silence fall around us, you gradually fall asleep with your head on my shoulder. I didn’t dare to wake you up to get home, I didn’t dare to move, so I just sat there, being the firm support for you right now. My hand didn’t leave you - yours didn’t, either - and I turned my head to kiss your hair slightly. The smell of you felt so calm that I gradually got myself back, and I knew, my pain was nothing compared of yours, and I preferred to be hurt rather than seeing you being hurt. So that was why, I would always be here when you needed me, and that was my promise.
You gradually got better after that incident, and you started to smile again, but maybe it was only me, but your smile didn’t reach your eyes whenever it concerned him. That fact hurt me, just as much as it hurt you, and I knew that I couldn’t bear it any longer. So I asked you out one day, when once again you pretended to be tired and went home when Jun offered us a meal after finishing work.
You looked at me when I ran after you, breathed heavily as I tried to catch my breath, and asked you if you wanted to go out with me. You looked at me, and suddenly I saw that smile of you. That real smile that was always shining inside my heart, that real smile that I was yearning to see, and I subconsciously grinned. And you nodded. I didn’t know what got into me when I suddenly felt the urge to hug you and so I did, and you looked surprised when my arms wounded around you in happiness. I heard your laugh, and my heart was warmed to its core because really, I didn’t think I could also make you laugh this way.
The way you always laughed for him.
When it dawned on me that you were spending most of your time with me, I couldn’t tell what was happier: that might be you loved me, or that you had sensed my love and just decided to let me beside you. I was so happy that I almost forgot that you had loved someone so much that it hurt you endlessly before, and I almost forgot that you still had something inside your heart because you were stubborn when it came to love. So when I saw you looking at him with that sad eyes again, something inside me shattered, and I knew, I just knew, that I would never be the one. I could never be the one that you loved, that you needed, and for you I was always a replacement for his presence.
That night I didn’t come home. I spent the whole evening at the bar, kept drinking and drinking until Jun had to tell me to stop, but I didn’t, because when I stopped it would be hurt so much that I didn’t know how to deal with it. I couldn’t stop, because only when I was drunk I could pretend everything was fine, just fine, and you might like me and we could have a future together. The bitter liquid ran down my throat, and I felt like it was burning me from inside, and I felt great. My head lightened, and I couldn’t think of anything else but you. I kept chanting your name, and Jun looked at me in pity but I couldn’t care less, because who didn’t know that I loved you? Maybe you were the one who didn’t. Or you just didn’t care, because your heart had always been beating for only one person.
“Leader, let’s go home,” I heard Jun said, but I snatched the glass back and poured more wine into it. I needed it. At least for now.
“Seriously,” Jun muttered, and I saw him pulled out his cell phone. I laughed. I didn’t know what I was laughing about, because then I felt tears in my eyes. I felt my cheeks wet, but I had no idea why. And Jun wrapped his arms around me to keep me steady, and once again, I cried because of you.
After that night I couldn’t remember what had happened. Jun had got me back home, and I was sleeping like dead, and the next day I had a bad hang over that I really wanted to stay at home. I didn’t remember what I did, except drinking too much and thinking about you. That was a terrible experience, when I really did something that I didn’t even remember.
When I met you the next day, I wanted to hug you and just never let you go.
But I didn’t because I knew you hated it when someone touched you, and because I had no right to do so. You weren’t mine. Your heart was someone’s, and even though I had always been your side, I could never, ever get it.
So I was grumpy the whole morning and even you knew something was going on. I tried not to touch you, because feeling your warmth in my skin would become unbearable when I knew clearly that I couldn’t touch you more than just this. I couldn’t have you more than just this. But you were the one who touched me first. You were always the one who touched me first, and I had thought that because I was special for you, until one day I just discovered that you did it because you wanted him to get jealous.
He didn’t, but I did. I was jealous of him, even though I was the one who was closer to you.
So when your hand touched me, I jumped away. I must have made a face because you stared at me with your eyes widened, and my breath almost caught in my throat when I felt your sudden tense. I was nervous, too, when we stared at each other and I had nothing to say to you, because my heart was screaming, I love you, so why didn’t you leave me alone?
“What’s wrong?” You asked, and I wanted to answer. I really did, but I couldn’t, because my mind had stopped already, because you were there and you were looking at me, and because I was always like this when it was you. So I just shook my head, telling you that nothing, I’m okay, but you wouldn’t buy it. You stared at me suspiciously before plopped down beside me on the sofa, your shoulder bumped to mine. At that moment I just realized how much I wanted to feel you beside me, like this, but never I dared to admit that.
“You’re sulking the whole morning,” You said, but your words barely registered in my mind, because your warmth had invaded all the place in it. I could feel my heart beat faster at the way your fingers lingered on mine and you were asking silently if you were allowed to hold my hand. I didn’t think twice when linking our hand together, just because I needed you and I knew I couldn’t bear it any longer.
“Nino,” I called your name, softly and insistently, and I knew that you sensed something. You knew something was wrong, but you didn’t urge me to say it. You just waited. And I had to swallow the sudden lump in my throat. “I…”
But I couldn’t say it. I still saw the love in your eyes, and because that love wasn’t for me, I couldn’t say it. So I closed my mouth and just looked away. I felt the tears tingling at the corner of my eyes. I never wanted you to see it. You needed the cheerful me, who could give you warm place and peace, not the misery one like this. So I brushed your hand off as I stood up. I needed to think clearly and came back to myself and then, I could meet you again when I was happier.
But you didn’t let me escape.
“Hey,” You caught my arm and I stood still. Why didn’t you just let me go? “Ohchan, I don’t know what’s wrong but, if I can help…”
I let out a bitter laugh and just shook my head. You didn’t know that you were the only one that could help me, but you would never be able to help, because you didn’t love me. That thought just gave me more frustration as I walked away again, and this time you let me go. The warmth of your hand on my skin was still there, and it hurt more than it should, because now I knew how much I didn’t want to let you go. How much I didn’t want you to let me go.
That night I hugged myself to sleep and my dream was full of you. It was always you, you, you in my heart.
When you told me that you were going to confess again, I couldn’t say what was more hurtful: of you not loving me or you still loving him, and just like how you always were, you never gave up so easily. I listened to you and again, I wasn’t listening anymore when my mind seemed shut down on its own, and I didn’t look at you because you were shining again. That determine look on your face had told me enough, that no matter how much I tried, you still weren’t mine. You were still somewhere faraway and I knew I could never bring you back to me.
“Are you listening, Ohchan?” You scowled when you saw my expressionless face, and I startled. I avoided to looked at your face when I forced a smile, despite the pain it brought to my chest, and I nodded.
“You’re not listening,” You accused, and I didn’t even bother to protest. It was true, anyway. I couldn’t hear anymore of this. I didn’t want to know, because I loved you, and I loved you so much that it was unbearable to go through all this. “Ohchan, you’re always like this for a while…”
I just nodded dumbly again. What else could I say? Could I tell you the reason? You would never understand, and you would leave me, and that was what I never wanted to happen…
When I saw you two together in the green room and you were shining and he was smiling, I knew everything was just that. My love was just that, and I turned away, not knowing where to go but just let my legs lead me anywhere. I wandered around, my mind blank, my eyes dry, because really, what was the reason to cry again? I looked up to the sky and the first droplet of rain landed in my face, and I closed my eyes, feeling like it was raining for me, on behalf of me. I let myself drowned into the coldness of the rain which was getting heavier and heavier, ignored the fact that I was soaked and it was cold and I was numbing. I felt better this way, when everything around was blur by the rain and I was alone, covered by the nature, feeling like someone understood my pain and was just trying to console me.
It was crying for me.
I didn’t remember how could I get home, but I did, and I fall nearly immediately on my couch, because my legs were heavy, my body was heavy, my eyes were heavy. I just wanted to sleep. So I did. I closed my eyes and didn’t think of anything, exhausted from wandering around and from the cold, I let sleep claim me in no time.
When I got up again, it was cold. So cold. I could feel myself trembling, and I searched for my blanket, but the cold didn’t go away. I curled up into a ball and tried to get back to sleep because I was tired, terribly tired, and my head ached so much, like something was pounding into my skull. Everything just spun around in front of me and I had no idea where I was and what I was doing, I just closed my eyes and let the tiredness lead me into another deep sleep.
The next thing I knew, I was in the hospital. My manager was there, her eyes red and angry, and I didn’t know what had happened.
“You fainted last night in your house,” I heard her say, and I wanted to protest. I was just sleeping. “And you scared me to dead when I came to your home this noon because I couldn’t contact you, you were there, unmoving and had a high fever!”
I stirred, but still I couldn’t answer her. Everything was heavy, and I felt like I couldn’t even move my fingers.
“Please rest well, Ohno-san,” She said sternly “And please take care of yourself. I really don’t want this to happen again!”
I managed to nod and I closed my eyes when I heard her sigh. She went out and left me alone in the hospital room, where everything looked so white that it dazzled my eyes. I turned to my side and tried to sleep again, but I couldn’t, because every muscle in my body was aching.
Out of sudden, you appeared out of no where and you were there, holding my hand, and I felt myself smile. I felt warm and protected so I just closed my eyes and slept with the feeling of your hand in mine.
I woke up hours later to find myself alone in the hospital room. It was pitch black, and I tried to sit up and switched the light on. When I saw no one there and the door were still closed, I knew that it wasn’t you. You had never been here with me at the first place.
I wasn’t disappointed, because I hadn’t hoped. But I couldn’t deny that it felt so great if you were really there. I closed my eyes and reminiscence that feeling, even though it was just a fragment of my imagination, I still wanted to remember. Even if it was just a dream.
When it was late afternoon and I know you guys had finished your work, I was waiting. And the first one jumped into the room wasn’t you but Aiba, but you followed him right after and I was warmed to my core when I saw you. If I had not seen him beside you, maybe I’d have been happier.
But because I did, so my heart fall and I didn’t want to look at you anymore. I turned to Jun and Aiba, and asked if everything was alright because I was the leader after all. Jun started to update our work that day, and you guys kept asking me what happened, how I was feeling. I tried to tell you that I was okay, but you guys insisted to stay with me until it was late. I was bored all the day so it was happy to see you guys around, but I tried to not look at you. My heart still hurt so much when I saw you and him, but I tried to ignore it.
I wished for it to just stop beating if every beat it just hurt me terribly like this.
When you all stood up to go home, and suddenly I didn’t want to be alone, so I reached out and caught your hand before I could be aware of what I was doing. And you were startled, just as much as me, when I immediately took back my hand and mumbled sorry. Until then you noticed that my hand was trembling, and I was trembling that I couldn’t control myself. The other three had already left the room, and you stayed for a little while, and I couldn’t bring myself to look at you when I felt tears pooled my eyes. No, what I was thinking, you were here and you would ask why I was crying and I would have no answer for that. But I couldn’t stop. The tears I had always hold back when you were around, now it burst out uncontrollably. You looked panic when I cried, and you sat down beside me, your arms came around me and I just felt the hurt raising to the rate that it was hard to breath and I wasn’t sure if I was able to handle this anymore.
“Ohchan, please,” You said desperately, as if you didn’t understand what was going on, why I was crying, and you had no idea what to do rather than hugging me tightly.
I couldn’t tell you that because I missed you, I missed you so much, and I needed you so much that it hurt me every time I thought about you. I couldn’t tell you that I loved you, not when you finally had your love, and not when you finally were happy. You didn’t need to have more to think, because you couldn’t help me. Not this time.
I enjoyed your warmth around me the last time, when finally you pulled back and looked at me with worry in your eyes. I didn’t look at you. I didn’t look at you when you were asking me with your eyes, and I didn’t look at you when you stepped out of the room.
I didn’t look at you because I knew I was losing you. And right when you stepped outside, I knew that I had lost you.
Forever.
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A/N: Don't kill me yet. This is the original ending of this story, but I couldn't stop myself from writing another one. Because - you know, it's Christmas after all :P
♥♥♥ MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE ♥♥♥
And... this way for those who don't want angst for Christmas ♥
Pairing: Ohmiya, Sakumiya, hinted Sakuraiba
Rating: PG
Genre: Angst, Romance
Disclaimer: I own nothing but the story T^T
Summary: When you asked me where I was when you needed someone, I just wanted to say that I was there. I was always there.
Warning: unbeta-ed :P So sorry for my mistakes.
A/N: Really, a Christmas present is still a Christmas present even when Christmas is over already XD.
This one is for potatoos, who has always been the greatest beta-reader I ever know. Thank you for everything dear ♥♥♥
And for everyone who has always read my fics, left lovely comments here and there, support me with your love for my fics and for me XD XD XD. Hope you guys all had a great Christmas with your beloved ones ♥ I love you all ♥♥♥
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When you asked me where I was when you needed someone, I just wanted to say that I was there. I was always there.
But because you never saw anyone else except him, so I had never once told you that I was always there for you. You always looked at him and when I saw the brightness inside your eyes, which no one could ever bring to you, I felt my heart tighten. And I knew. I just knew that you weren’t the one for me.
But still, I still stubbornly looked at you, when you didn’t notice, or even when you caught my insistent eyes and looked away before I could even send you any mental messages. I was always looking at you, so I always caught the hint of sadness which was always there when you saw him together with someone. And that someone happened to be your best friend.
I knew you didn’t dare to come closer to him because it was him and your best friend and you loved them just so much to think of tearing them apart. You told me that you couldn’t, because you had no confidence and because you had no heart to do so. I was listening to you, yearning for you to understand this burning feeling inside my chest, this nagging thinking of mine whenever you came around. I was listening to you, but my mind wasn’t entirely here but somewhere else, where you were talking about me, about us - I knew it wasn’t real, but still I wanted to see it in your eyes. Something that told me it was worth it to wait for you forever.
When you caught him again, this time kissing your best friend, you cried.
I’d never seen you cried before, because you were strong - or you were pretending to be strong - but this time, you cried. And you ran away, even before I could catch your arm and pulled you back. You were leaving him behind, leaving your best friend behind, leaving me behind, and didn’t once look back. I powerlessly searched for you just to find you hugging yourself in the corner of our green room, and the tears had stopped. You looked so blank that it scared me, because I rarely saw this face of you. You didn’t look up when I sat down beside you, and you didn’t need more than one second to lean to my shoulder.
And then, you cried again.
You were saying and saying, of how much you loved him and how hard it was to just give up and that you decided to give up on him already. And my hand searched for yours, because I didn’t know what else to do. Seeing you broken made my heart broken, and for the first time of my life I wished he had loved you back. He would choose you, not Aiba, but still, the nagging feeling in the bottom of my heart telling me that I was lying. Because I was relieved. I was relieved because he didn’t love you, because that meant I could fight for your love, because that meant you would let me come this close to comfort you. But I wouldn’t like to see you like this. I wanted to see the smile back on your face, but I didn’t know how. You only smiled like that when you looked at him, and because I couldn’t be that person, I closed my eyes, feeling the pain also raising in my chest and tightened my throat. You were saying, but I had stopped listening all together, because it hurt so much. You were hurt so much, and I couldn’t bear that.
When finally silence fall around us, you gradually fall asleep with your head on my shoulder. I didn’t dare to wake you up to get home, I didn’t dare to move, so I just sat there, being the firm support for you right now. My hand didn’t leave you - yours didn’t, either - and I turned my head to kiss your hair slightly. The smell of you felt so calm that I gradually got myself back, and I knew, my pain was nothing compared of yours, and I preferred to be hurt rather than seeing you being hurt. So that was why, I would always be here when you needed me, and that was my promise.
You gradually got better after that incident, and you started to smile again, but maybe it was only me, but your smile didn’t reach your eyes whenever it concerned him. That fact hurt me, just as much as it hurt you, and I knew that I couldn’t bear it any longer. So I asked you out one day, when once again you pretended to be tired and went home when Jun offered us a meal after finishing work.
You looked at me when I ran after you, breathed heavily as I tried to catch my breath, and asked you if you wanted to go out with me. You looked at me, and suddenly I saw that smile of you. That real smile that was always shining inside my heart, that real smile that I was yearning to see, and I subconsciously grinned. And you nodded. I didn’t know what got into me when I suddenly felt the urge to hug you and so I did, and you looked surprised when my arms wounded around you in happiness. I heard your laugh, and my heart was warmed to its core because really, I didn’t think I could also make you laugh this way.
The way you always laughed for him.
When it dawned on me that you were spending most of your time with me, I couldn’t tell what was happier: that might be you loved me, or that you had sensed my love and just decided to let me beside you. I was so happy that I almost forgot that you had loved someone so much that it hurt you endlessly before, and I almost forgot that you still had something inside your heart because you were stubborn when it came to love. So when I saw you looking at him with that sad eyes again, something inside me shattered, and I knew, I just knew, that I would never be the one. I could never be the one that you loved, that you needed, and for you I was always a replacement for his presence.
That night I didn’t come home. I spent the whole evening at the bar, kept drinking and drinking until Jun had to tell me to stop, but I didn’t, because when I stopped it would be hurt so much that I didn’t know how to deal with it. I couldn’t stop, because only when I was drunk I could pretend everything was fine, just fine, and you might like me and we could have a future together. The bitter liquid ran down my throat, and I felt like it was burning me from inside, and I felt great. My head lightened, and I couldn’t think of anything else but you. I kept chanting your name, and Jun looked at me in pity but I couldn’t care less, because who didn’t know that I loved you? Maybe you were the one who didn’t. Or you just didn’t care, because your heart had always been beating for only one person.
“Leader, let’s go home,” I heard Jun said, but I snatched the glass back and poured more wine into it. I needed it. At least for now.
“Seriously,” Jun muttered, and I saw him pulled out his cell phone. I laughed. I didn’t know what I was laughing about, because then I felt tears in my eyes. I felt my cheeks wet, but I had no idea why. And Jun wrapped his arms around me to keep me steady, and once again, I cried because of you.
After that night I couldn’t remember what had happened. Jun had got me back home, and I was sleeping like dead, and the next day I had a bad hang over that I really wanted to stay at home. I didn’t remember what I did, except drinking too much and thinking about you. That was a terrible experience, when I really did something that I didn’t even remember.
When I met you the next day, I wanted to hug you and just never let you go.
But I didn’t because I knew you hated it when someone touched you, and because I had no right to do so. You weren’t mine. Your heart was someone’s, and even though I had always been your side, I could never, ever get it.
So I was grumpy the whole morning and even you knew something was going on. I tried not to touch you, because feeling your warmth in my skin would become unbearable when I knew clearly that I couldn’t touch you more than just this. I couldn’t have you more than just this. But you were the one who touched me first. You were always the one who touched me first, and I had thought that because I was special for you, until one day I just discovered that you did it because you wanted him to get jealous.
He didn’t, but I did. I was jealous of him, even though I was the one who was closer to you.
So when your hand touched me, I jumped away. I must have made a face because you stared at me with your eyes widened, and my breath almost caught in my throat when I felt your sudden tense. I was nervous, too, when we stared at each other and I had nothing to say to you, because my heart was screaming, I love you, so why didn’t you leave me alone?
“What’s wrong?” You asked, and I wanted to answer. I really did, but I couldn’t, because my mind had stopped already, because you were there and you were looking at me, and because I was always like this when it was you. So I just shook my head, telling you that nothing, I’m okay, but you wouldn’t buy it. You stared at me suspiciously before plopped down beside me on the sofa, your shoulder bumped to mine. At that moment I just realized how much I wanted to feel you beside me, like this, but never I dared to admit that.
“You’re sulking the whole morning,” You said, but your words barely registered in my mind, because your warmth had invaded all the place in it. I could feel my heart beat faster at the way your fingers lingered on mine and you were asking silently if you were allowed to hold my hand. I didn’t think twice when linking our hand together, just because I needed you and I knew I couldn’t bear it any longer.
“Nino,” I called your name, softly and insistently, and I knew that you sensed something. You knew something was wrong, but you didn’t urge me to say it. You just waited. And I had to swallow the sudden lump in my throat. “I…”
But I couldn’t say it. I still saw the love in your eyes, and because that love wasn’t for me, I couldn’t say it. So I closed my mouth and just looked away. I felt the tears tingling at the corner of my eyes. I never wanted you to see it. You needed the cheerful me, who could give you warm place and peace, not the misery one like this. So I brushed your hand off as I stood up. I needed to think clearly and came back to myself and then, I could meet you again when I was happier.
But you didn’t let me escape.
“Hey,” You caught my arm and I stood still. Why didn’t you just let me go? “Ohchan, I don’t know what’s wrong but, if I can help…”
I let out a bitter laugh and just shook my head. You didn’t know that you were the only one that could help me, but you would never be able to help, because you didn’t love me. That thought just gave me more frustration as I walked away again, and this time you let me go. The warmth of your hand on my skin was still there, and it hurt more than it should, because now I knew how much I didn’t want to let you go. How much I didn’t want you to let me go.
That night I hugged myself to sleep and my dream was full of you. It was always you, you, you in my heart.
When you told me that you were going to confess again, I couldn’t say what was more hurtful: of you not loving me or you still loving him, and just like how you always were, you never gave up so easily. I listened to you and again, I wasn’t listening anymore when my mind seemed shut down on its own, and I didn’t look at you because you were shining again. That determine look on your face had told me enough, that no matter how much I tried, you still weren’t mine. You were still somewhere faraway and I knew I could never bring you back to me.
“Are you listening, Ohchan?” You scowled when you saw my expressionless face, and I startled. I avoided to looked at your face when I forced a smile, despite the pain it brought to my chest, and I nodded.
“You’re not listening,” You accused, and I didn’t even bother to protest. It was true, anyway. I couldn’t hear anymore of this. I didn’t want to know, because I loved you, and I loved you so much that it was unbearable to go through all this. “Ohchan, you’re always like this for a while…”
I just nodded dumbly again. What else could I say? Could I tell you the reason? You would never understand, and you would leave me, and that was what I never wanted to happen…
When I saw you two together in the green room and you were shining and he was smiling, I knew everything was just that. My love was just that, and I turned away, not knowing where to go but just let my legs lead me anywhere. I wandered around, my mind blank, my eyes dry, because really, what was the reason to cry again? I looked up to the sky and the first droplet of rain landed in my face, and I closed my eyes, feeling like it was raining for me, on behalf of me. I let myself drowned into the coldness of the rain which was getting heavier and heavier, ignored the fact that I was soaked and it was cold and I was numbing. I felt better this way, when everything around was blur by the rain and I was alone, covered by the nature, feeling like someone understood my pain and was just trying to console me.
It was crying for me.
I didn’t remember how could I get home, but I did, and I fall nearly immediately on my couch, because my legs were heavy, my body was heavy, my eyes were heavy. I just wanted to sleep. So I did. I closed my eyes and didn’t think of anything, exhausted from wandering around and from the cold, I let sleep claim me in no time.
When I got up again, it was cold. So cold. I could feel myself trembling, and I searched for my blanket, but the cold didn’t go away. I curled up into a ball and tried to get back to sleep because I was tired, terribly tired, and my head ached so much, like something was pounding into my skull. Everything just spun around in front of me and I had no idea where I was and what I was doing, I just closed my eyes and let the tiredness lead me into another deep sleep.
The next thing I knew, I was in the hospital. My manager was there, her eyes red and angry, and I didn’t know what had happened.
“You fainted last night in your house,” I heard her say, and I wanted to protest. I was just sleeping. “And you scared me to dead when I came to your home this noon because I couldn’t contact you, you were there, unmoving and had a high fever!”
I stirred, but still I couldn’t answer her. Everything was heavy, and I felt like I couldn’t even move my fingers.
“Please rest well, Ohno-san,” She said sternly “And please take care of yourself. I really don’t want this to happen again!”
I managed to nod and I closed my eyes when I heard her sigh. She went out and left me alone in the hospital room, where everything looked so white that it dazzled my eyes. I turned to my side and tried to sleep again, but I couldn’t, because every muscle in my body was aching.
Out of sudden, you appeared out of no where and you were there, holding my hand, and I felt myself smile. I felt warm and protected so I just closed my eyes and slept with the feeling of your hand in mine.
I woke up hours later to find myself alone in the hospital room. It was pitch black, and I tried to sit up and switched the light on. When I saw no one there and the door were still closed, I knew that it wasn’t you. You had never been here with me at the first place.
I wasn’t disappointed, because I hadn’t hoped. But I couldn’t deny that it felt so great if you were really there. I closed my eyes and reminiscence that feeling, even though it was just a fragment of my imagination, I still wanted to remember. Even if it was just a dream.
When it was late afternoon and I know you guys had finished your work, I was waiting. And the first one jumped into the room wasn’t you but Aiba, but you followed him right after and I was warmed to my core when I saw you. If I had not seen him beside you, maybe I’d have been happier.
But because I did, so my heart fall and I didn’t want to look at you anymore. I turned to Jun and Aiba, and asked if everything was alright because I was the leader after all. Jun started to update our work that day, and you guys kept asking me what happened, how I was feeling. I tried to tell you that I was okay, but you guys insisted to stay with me until it was late. I was bored all the day so it was happy to see you guys around, but I tried to not look at you. My heart still hurt so much when I saw you and him, but I tried to ignore it.
I wished for it to just stop beating if every beat it just hurt me terribly like this.
When you all stood up to go home, and suddenly I didn’t want to be alone, so I reached out and caught your hand before I could be aware of what I was doing. And you were startled, just as much as me, when I immediately took back my hand and mumbled sorry. Until then you noticed that my hand was trembling, and I was trembling that I couldn’t control myself. The other three had already left the room, and you stayed for a little while, and I couldn’t bring myself to look at you when I felt tears pooled my eyes. No, what I was thinking, you were here and you would ask why I was crying and I would have no answer for that. But I couldn’t stop. The tears I had always hold back when you were around, now it burst out uncontrollably. You looked panic when I cried, and you sat down beside me, your arms came around me and I just felt the hurt raising to the rate that it was hard to breath and I wasn’t sure if I was able to handle this anymore.
“Ohchan, please,” You said desperately, as if you didn’t understand what was going on, why I was crying, and you had no idea what to do rather than hugging me tightly.
I couldn’t tell you that because I missed you, I missed you so much, and I needed you so much that it hurt me every time I thought about you. I couldn’t tell you that I loved you, not when you finally had your love, and not when you finally were happy. You didn’t need to have more to think, because you couldn’t help me. Not this time.
I enjoyed your warmth around me the last time, when finally you pulled back and looked at me with worry in your eyes. I didn’t look at you. I didn’t look at you when you were asking me with your eyes, and I didn’t look at you when you stepped out of the room.
I didn’t look at you because I knew I was losing you. And right when you stepped outside, I knew that I had lost you.
Forever.
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A/N: Don't kill me yet. This is the original ending of this story, but I couldn't stop myself from writing another one. Because - you know, it's Christmas after all :P
♥♥♥ MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE ♥♥♥
And... this way for those who don't want angst for Christmas ♥