Chapter 10: Clear
Chapter Summary:
A.Kazumi met the other kazumi when she was about to turn 1.
Jin's entry on missing someone.
---
The long night was finally ending soon. I stood along the corridor, and stared at the rain that splashed against the glass panes mercilessly. My mood was just like the rainy weather, and Papa’s mumblings played over and over again in my head.
“Kazumi…”
Papa’s mumblings were very soft, but undeniably, he was missing someone.
That was not the tone he would use to address me.
After so long, I finally realized who Papa’s anonymous first love was. The secret first love Papa wrote about in his column for the past ten years…
It was Kamenashi.
On her 1st birthday, Akanishi Kazumi met the other Kazumi in the sea of sunflowers.
I was very young then, but I could really, really remember that day clearly. The skies were blue and it was quite windy. Kamenashi had a scent of sandalwood on him.
“Kazumi, do you know where are you now? You’re in a very peaceful place in Hokkaido. Perhaps you would never recall this moment when you grow up. After all, you’ll only be 1 years old tomorrow. If Jin didn’t go to UK to record his album, I might never have a chance to carry you… Kazumi, people must have told you that you have the exact pair of eyes as Jin……”
Papa was a stubborn person. Once he fell in love, it would be forever. Even when he had a family with him, he derived most of his happiness by reminiscing about his first love.
Kamenashi the beautiful youth entered Papa’s heart when he was 16 years old. He occupied Papa’s heart and mind from then on. Although nobody knew his whereabouts, memories stayed firmly imprinted in Papa’s mind. Even when Papa was critically ill in the ICU, he still called out for Kamenashi.
"…Ka.zu.mi"
Ne~ Papa, I wondered what did you dream about Kamenashi?
The first time you met him? The moment you discovered your feelings for him? Or the times that you lived together with him when he fell ill?
Or perhaps, Papa dreamt that Kamenashi returned from US.
Although Papa didn’t know his whereabouts, I knew.
When Pi comforted me, I noticed the look of worry in his eyes. Suddenly, I recalled an incident years back...
The late autumn when I was 13, the drizzle, and the person that I visited with Pi.
….
No wonder that ring looked so familiar. That was because Papa had an identical one.
That silver ring appeared repeatedly in Papa’s teenage photos.
That was why on that particular day, Pi told me, “Kazumi, please do me a favour alright. Don’t tell your parents where we went today, OK?”
“Why not?”
“Your parents would tell the manager that I have a lot of free time on my hands, and demand him to schedule more work for me. You know I hate hectic working life…”
Now when I thought about it again, Pi would not mind my parents saying those things, because he knew they cared for his well-being. He merely wanted an excuse to make me keep that visit a secret. That was because if I mentioned about this visit to my parents, Papa would easily find out who we visited.
Papa loved Kamenashi deeply in his youth.
After he lost track of Kamenashi’s whereabouts, Papa was able to continue living because he had the love and longing for him to support him. Once he got to know Kamenashi’s actual whereabouts, it would inevitably be a major emotional turmoil for him.
****
Music monthly / Red Square /
Entry 104 /
Subject: Missing
By Akanishi Jin
In the new movie, I acted as a teacher who fell in love with his male student. This character suffered because his love was forbidden.
However, I beg to differ from the scriptwriter point of view.
For me, I am happy as long as I get to see the person I love.
In my youth, I did fall in love with someone that I shouldn’t. That person was an “untouchable”.
It wasn’t the physical distance. Rather, it was against my rationality…
The “I know I shouldn’t… BUT…” type of feeling.
‘Being together’ was a wishful thinking on my part.
However, Fate was very kind to me initially, because I did end up with that person eventually.
But later then I realized Fate was merely being extremely cruel to me. I had my happiness for that swift moment and then it went away in a flash. From then on, I lost that person forever.
Simple questions like how that person is getting on presently, continued to bother me till this very day. After so long, I still think about these questions all the time.
I loved and got happiness.
I loved and got agony.
Only those who experienced sleepless night from missing someone would understand what I’m talking about. Up till today, my dreams were always about my younger days, and they did not age with reality. I grew older through the years, but that person in my memory stayed young and youthful.
We couldn’t decide who loved the other for a longer period of time, and who loved the other more. We were both very stupid and innocent then. During our youth; the only way we knew to show our love for each other was to guard our love innocently.
With a mixture of happiness and agony, I reached the age of 20.
When we spent our first Christmas together, I asked that person, “Why do you like me?”
“That’s because Jin is good to me.”
Anyone else who got this answer would think about the possibility of “What if someone else treats you better than I do one day?”
But I didn’t. Maybe like what Maru said, I’m just simple-minded. I was confident I would be the best lover ever. So, I thought that we would be together forever. It was only till the recent years that I admitted my gullibility.
Love was able to transcend beyond gender, space and time. But it didn’t transcend through everything.
Love was powerless against Fate.
So I learnt that I could only hope for things to happen; I've learnt that forever is never.
Twenty years ago, I was 20 years old. I loved someone deeply, and that person loved me deeply too.
Now, I’m 40 years old. I’m still unable to forget that person, but I’m unsure if that person is still missing me now…
******
p/s: how is this chapter? please keep on reading ne~ soon soon, i promise, will start the ^&#%$vyz%& parts.
Jin's column entries are difficult to translate because i cannot use 'he' or 'she'.
By now, perhaps some of you have noticed that the gender of jin's first love isn't mentioned in his entries at all.
Chapter 11: http://thescarletscar.livejournal.com/5505.html
A.Kazumi met the other kazumi when she was about to turn 1.
Jin's entry on missing someone.
---
The long night was finally ending soon. I stood along the corridor, and stared at the rain that splashed against the glass panes mercilessly. My mood was just like the rainy weather, and Papa’s mumblings played over and over again in my head.
“Kazumi…”
Papa’s mumblings were very soft, but undeniably, he was missing someone.
That was not the tone he would use to address me.
After so long, I finally realized who Papa’s anonymous first love was. The secret first love Papa wrote about in his column for the past ten years…
It was Kamenashi.
On her 1st birthday, Akanishi Kazumi met the other Kazumi in the sea of sunflowers.
I was very young then, but I could really, really remember that day clearly. The skies were blue and it was quite windy. Kamenashi had a scent of sandalwood on him.
“Kazumi, do you know where are you now? You’re in a very peaceful place in Hokkaido. Perhaps you would never recall this moment when you grow up. After all, you’ll only be 1 years old tomorrow. If Jin didn’t go to UK to record his album, I might never have a chance to carry you… Kazumi, people must have told you that you have the exact pair of eyes as Jin……”
Papa was a stubborn person. Once he fell in love, it would be forever. Even when he had a family with him, he derived most of his happiness by reminiscing about his first love.
Kamenashi the beautiful youth entered Papa’s heart when he was 16 years old. He occupied Papa’s heart and mind from then on. Although nobody knew his whereabouts, memories stayed firmly imprinted in Papa’s mind. Even when Papa was critically ill in the ICU, he still called out for Kamenashi.
"…Ka.zu.mi"
Ne~ Papa, I wondered what did you dream about Kamenashi?
The first time you met him? The moment you discovered your feelings for him? Or the times that you lived together with him when he fell ill?
Or perhaps, Papa dreamt that Kamenashi returned from US.
Although Papa didn’t know his whereabouts, I knew.
When Pi comforted me, I noticed the look of worry in his eyes. Suddenly, I recalled an incident years back...
The late autumn when I was 13, the drizzle, and the person that I visited with Pi.
….
No wonder that ring looked so familiar. That was because Papa had an identical one.
That silver ring appeared repeatedly in Papa’s teenage photos.
That was why on that particular day, Pi told me, “Kazumi, please do me a favour alright. Don’t tell your parents where we went today, OK?”
“Why not?”
“Your parents would tell the manager that I have a lot of free time on my hands, and demand him to schedule more work for me. You know I hate hectic working life…”
Now when I thought about it again, Pi would not mind my parents saying those things, because he knew they cared for his well-being. He merely wanted an excuse to make me keep that visit a secret. That was because if I mentioned about this visit to my parents, Papa would easily find out who we visited.
Papa loved Kamenashi deeply in his youth.
After he lost track of Kamenashi’s whereabouts, Papa was able to continue living because he had the love and longing for him to support him. Once he got to know Kamenashi’s actual whereabouts, it would inevitably be a major emotional turmoil for him.
****
Music monthly / Red Square /
Entry 104 /
Subject: Missing
By Akanishi Jin
In the new movie, I acted as a teacher who fell in love with his male student. This character suffered because his love was forbidden.
However, I beg to differ from the scriptwriter point of view.
For me, I am happy as long as I get to see the person I love.
In my youth, I did fall in love with someone that I shouldn’t. That person was an “untouchable”.
It wasn’t the physical distance. Rather, it was against my rationality…
The “I know I shouldn’t… BUT…” type of feeling.
‘Being together’ was a wishful thinking on my part.
However, Fate was very kind to me initially, because I did end up with that person eventually.
But later then I realized Fate was merely being extremely cruel to me. I had my happiness for that swift moment and then it went away in a flash. From then on, I lost that person forever.
Simple questions like how that person is getting on presently, continued to bother me till this very day. After so long, I still think about these questions all the time.
I loved and got happiness.
I loved and got agony.
Only those who experienced sleepless night from missing someone would understand what I’m talking about. Up till today, my dreams were always about my younger days, and they did not age with reality. I grew older through the years, but that person in my memory stayed young and youthful.
We couldn’t decide who loved the other for a longer period of time, and who loved the other more. We were both very stupid and innocent then. During our youth; the only way we knew to show our love for each other was to guard our love innocently.
With a mixture of happiness and agony, I reached the age of 20.
When we spent our first Christmas together, I asked that person, “Why do you like me?”
“That’s because Jin is good to me.”
Anyone else who got this answer would think about the possibility of “What if someone else treats you better than I do one day?”
But I didn’t. Maybe like what Maru said, I’m just simple-minded. I was confident I would be the best lover ever. So, I thought that we would be together forever. It was only till the recent years that I admitted my gullibility.
Love was able to transcend beyond gender, space and time. But it didn’t transcend through everything.
Love was powerless against Fate.
So I learnt that I could only hope for things to happen; I've learnt that forever is never.
Twenty years ago, I was 20 years old. I loved someone deeply, and that person loved me deeply too.
Now, I’m 40 years old. I’m still unable to forget that person, but I’m unsure if that person is still missing me now…
******
p/s: how is this chapter? please keep on reading ne~ soon soon, i promise, will start the ^&#%$vyz%& parts.
Jin's column entries are difficult to translate because i cannot use 'he' or 'she'.
By now, perhaps some of you have noticed that the gender of jin's first love isn't mentioned in his entries at all.
Chapter 11: http://thescarletscar.livejournal.com/5505.html