Chapter 17: Room
Chapter Summary:
The secret room at Pi's vacation home.
Kame's collection.
Kame's letter to Pi: recollection of living together with Jin.
****
There used to be a forbidden room over at Pi’s seaside vacation home. Annually, the clique of Johnny’s would hold a gathering at his place. Pi's vacation house was huge and children loved to play hide-and-seek in there.
Once, Yuko and I found a room that was permanently locked. Out of curiosity, we asked Pi for the keys to unlock the room. Pi just smiled and replied, “I’ve lend that room to my friend, he stored his things inside there so I can’t give you the key to open it”.
I thought he lent the room to his friend to store water sports equipments, until the day Pi unlocked the room right before my eye.
It was entirely different from my previous assumption.
The room was filled with Kamenashi’s belongings.
Okay, maybe I exaggerated. Kamenashi’s belongings did not fill up the room, but almost everything in there were his, and they were related to Papa in one way or another.
Their photos together.
The craftwork they did together during the therapy sessions.
All the albums and singles that Papa released after his return from US.
Drama, movie discs, and a massive collection of newspaper and magazine cuttings, flyers and promotional posters.
Everything was about Papa.
Although some of them turned yellow with age, it was evident that they have been carefully kept. Among these cuttings included the reports of Papa’s secret marriage, and the birth of his only daughter too.
I flipped through those clippings, speechless.
I couldn’t imagine what kind of pain Kamenashi experienced when he knew about Papa’s marriage. He loved Papa so deeply! I wondered how he felt when Mama appeared in front of him with me?
In this particular cutting that I held on to, Papa hugged Mama and posed happily at the picture. Or I thought so. I couldn’t see the report clearly because Papa's face on the newspaper was blurred, probably by Kamenashi’s countless touch, and his endless tears.
I could clearly picture a youth crying bitterly as he pasted those cuttings onto the album folder carefully.
It must have hurt… a lot.
****
Dear Pi,
I kept dreaming about the past recently.
There were dreams about you, Jin, and all of us. But the most common dream was the moment when Jin said he loved me. I could never forget the look in his eyes then. His gaze was both familiar and foreign to me. There was some childishness that reminded me of his bakaness in it, but I saw gentleness and steadfastness too. I never knew his eyes had so many emotions in them. And I never dreamt that I would be the lucky one to see these emotions.
If I didn't fall sick, Jin wouldn’t have confessed his feelings to me. Then I would never know that he liked me beyond platonic friends, and I would never know that he treated me well because he loved me. When I told him not to take pity on me, the expression he had when he shouted “This is not out of pity!” was so memorable. I would remember that expression even till my next lifetime. I am still very certain of that now.
That night, the streets were a little chilly. I was trying to calm myself down because I got lost on the streets. Jin found me eventually though. He hugged me tightly, and asked if I wanted to live together with him. That moment was unforgettable.
I didn’t cry, but I felt warm tears on my cheeks.
Those were Jin’s tears.
By the time he found me, he had already searched for almost six hours. His physical fatigue was superceded by his emotional fatigue. Jin was worried that I got into an accident, and that I would be afraid because I’m stranded alone on the streets.
He said he just wanted to take care of me.
Actually, all these were so unfair to him, right? My condition is so rare. The news reports claimed that I had mental problems, but I don’t. All of you are well aware that I could still think very clearly then, it was just that I’ve began to lose control of my reflexes.
Do you know, I truly wanted to be together with Jin? I really, really do. But, is this being fair to him then?
But Jin told me that he didn't need any fairness and he just wanted to be with me. The affirmation he had when he told me, it made me cry.
Before all these, I could only show my love for him during filming. I could only kiss him during filming too.
Everyone gave me good reviews for my acting in “Ningen Shikkaku”. But Pi, I wasn’t acting then. I did have that kind of emotions and feelings just like the character. I was already very certain of my love for him then, but I didn’t dare to tell him. Thus I could only express myself feelings for him in that movie.
You know I’ve liked him for ages. You know how much effort I had to take just to discuss about girls with him. How much effort I had to take just to stop myself from running into his arms. When the director suggested the “restricted scene”, I had no objections at all. I was not being professional by agreeing to that scene; I was just trying to fulfil my selfish desire. That scene gave me the legitimate reason to touch Jin. I wanted to know how it felt to be hugged by Jin.
I wasn't a kid by then. Once a person developed a liking for somebody, he wasn’t a kid anymore.
I yearned to be loved, not just by anyone. I yearned to be loved by the one I love.
“To heck with all fairness, I just want to be with you!” Even when I reminisced about that sentence Jin shouted, it still felt like a dream. From that moment, I believed that Jin wasn’t merely showering pity me, and that he truly loved me for a long time.
Did you know something? Despite all the glorious past I had, I am only missing the private times I spent with Jin. That six isolated months that I stayed together with Jin at Sakura City was the best memory I had in my life. I could remember the breeze in our backyard; a little cool and with the scent of spring in it. No medical checkups, no shopping trips… just sitting by the patio, talking, chatting. There was no work, no disturbance… and there were only the occasional laughters from our conversation.
Waking up together, eating breakfast together, and doing simple exercises together. Then Jin would clean up the house as I take my afternoon nap. Although those were such normal activities, the amount of satisfaction I got overweighed those cheers when I was onstage.
I was basked in happiness then.
I often thought about this possibility… If I didn’t fall sick, what would happen to Jin and me?
I am able to bear with such extreme loneliness now because I have memories of such beautiful times. Those memories worked like a heater and warmed me up when I’m isolated and detached from the world….
****
...... *speechless* seriously, i never knew i managed to go through translating all this heartache parts. :S
and the sakura city is real! you can find more information about it here: http://www.city.sakura.lg.jp/english/english.htm
Chapter 18: http://thescarletscar.livejournal.com/7353.html
The secret room at Pi's vacation home.
Kame's collection.
Kame's letter to Pi: recollection of living together with Jin.
****
There used to be a forbidden room over at Pi’s seaside vacation home. Annually, the clique of Johnny’s would hold a gathering at his place. Pi's vacation house was huge and children loved to play hide-and-seek in there.
Once, Yuko and I found a room that was permanently locked. Out of curiosity, we asked Pi for the keys to unlock the room. Pi just smiled and replied, “I’ve lend that room to my friend, he stored his things inside there so I can’t give you the key to open it”.
I thought he lent the room to his friend to store water sports equipments, until the day Pi unlocked the room right before my eye.
It was entirely different from my previous assumption.
The room was filled with Kamenashi’s belongings.
Okay, maybe I exaggerated. Kamenashi’s belongings did not fill up the room, but almost everything in there were his, and they were related to Papa in one way or another.
Their photos together.
The craftwork they did together during the therapy sessions.
All the albums and singles that Papa released after his return from US.
Drama, movie discs, and a massive collection of newspaper and magazine cuttings, flyers and promotional posters.
Everything was about Papa.
Although some of them turned yellow with age, it was evident that they have been carefully kept. Among these cuttings included the reports of Papa’s secret marriage, and the birth of his only daughter too.
I flipped through those clippings, speechless.
I couldn’t imagine what kind of pain Kamenashi experienced when he knew about Papa’s marriage. He loved Papa so deeply! I wondered how he felt when Mama appeared in front of him with me?
In this particular cutting that I held on to, Papa hugged Mama and posed happily at the picture. Or I thought so. I couldn’t see the report clearly because Papa's face on the newspaper was blurred, probably by Kamenashi’s countless touch, and his endless tears.
I could clearly picture a youth crying bitterly as he pasted those cuttings onto the album folder carefully.
It must have hurt… a lot.
****
Dear Pi,
I kept dreaming about the past recently.
There were dreams about you, Jin, and all of us. But the most common dream was the moment when Jin said he loved me. I could never forget the look in his eyes then. His gaze was both familiar and foreign to me. There was some childishness that reminded me of his bakaness in it, but I saw gentleness and steadfastness too. I never knew his eyes had so many emotions in them. And I never dreamt that I would be the lucky one to see these emotions.
If I didn't fall sick, Jin wouldn’t have confessed his feelings to me. Then I would never know that he liked me beyond platonic friends, and I would never know that he treated me well because he loved me. When I told him not to take pity on me, the expression he had when he shouted “This is not out of pity!” was so memorable. I would remember that expression even till my next lifetime. I am still very certain of that now.
That night, the streets were a little chilly. I was trying to calm myself down because I got lost on the streets. Jin found me eventually though. He hugged me tightly, and asked if I wanted to live together with him. That moment was unforgettable.
I didn’t cry, but I felt warm tears on my cheeks.
Those were Jin’s tears.
By the time he found me, he had already searched for almost six hours. His physical fatigue was superceded by his emotional fatigue. Jin was worried that I got into an accident, and that I would be afraid because I’m stranded alone on the streets.
He said he just wanted to take care of me.
Actually, all these were so unfair to him, right? My condition is so rare. The news reports claimed that I had mental problems, but I don’t. All of you are well aware that I could still think very clearly then, it was just that I’ve began to lose control of my reflexes.
Do you know, I truly wanted to be together with Jin? I really, really do. But, is this being fair to him then?
But Jin told me that he didn't need any fairness and he just wanted to be with me. The affirmation he had when he told me, it made me cry.
Before all these, I could only show my love for him during filming. I could only kiss him during filming too.
Everyone gave me good reviews for my acting in “Ningen Shikkaku”. But Pi, I wasn’t acting then. I did have that kind of emotions and feelings just like the character. I was already very certain of my love for him then, but I didn’t dare to tell him. Thus I could only express myself feelings for him in that movie.
You know I’ve liked him for ages. You know how much effort I had to take just to discuss about girls with him. How much effort I had to take just to stop myself from running into his arms. When the director suggested the “restricted scene”, I had no objections at all. I was not being professional by agreeing to that scene; I was just trying to fulfil my selfish desire. That scene gave me the legitimate reason to touch Jin. I wanted to know how it felt to be hugged by Jin.
I wasn't a kid by then. Once a person developed a liking for somebody, he wasn’t a kid anymore.
I yearned to be loved, not just by anyone. I yearned to be loved by the one I love.
“To heck with all fairness, I just want to be with you!” Even when I reminisced about that sentence Jin shouted, it still felt like a dream. From that moment, I believed that Jin wasn’t merely showering pity me, and that he truly loved me for a long time.
Did you know something? Despite all the glorious past I had, I am only missing the private times I spent with Jin. That six isolated months that I stayed together with Jin at Sakura City was the best memory I had in my life. I could remember the breeze in our backyard; a little cool and with the scent of spring in it. No medical checkups, no shopping trips… just sitting by the patio, talking, chatting. There was no work, no disturbance… and there were only the occasional laughters from our conversation.
Waking up together, eating breakfast together, and doing simple exercises together. Then Jin would clean up the house as I take my afternoon nap. Although those were such normal activities, the amount of satisfaction I got overweighed those cheers when I was onstage.
I was basked in happiness then.
I often thought about this possibility… If I didn’t fall sick, what would happen to Jin and me?
I am able to bear with such extreme loneliness now because I have memories of such beautiful times. Those memories worked like a heater and warmed me up when I’m isolated and detached from the world….
****
...... *speechless* seriously, i never knew i managed to go through translating all this heartache parts. :S
and the sakura city is real! you can find more information about it here: http://www.city.sakura.lg.jp/english/english.htm
Chapter 18: http://thescarletscar.livejournal.com/7353.html