Chapter 18: Change
Chapter Summary:
akanishi kazumi's night at the lodge.
her observation through kame's letters.
kame's letter to pi: recollection of their new york photoshoot.
****
It was already very late, but I couldn’t get to sleep
My throat felt uncomfortably dry from the low humidity in the room. I got up, poured myself half a glass of water, took out those old letters from my luggage and read through them again. On my second reading, I could see Kamenashi’s health deteriorating with the changes in his handwriting.
Initially his handwriting was very neat and aligned, but as time passed, wrong characters began to appear in his letters. When it was about two years prior to his passing away, Kamenashi’s letters became very brief and his handwriting became more of a scribble. It seemed to prove that he had no strength to write his letters anymore. The nurses had to help him complete his letters on several occasions, because he didn’t have enough strength to complete his letters.
There was one thing that remained unchanged; Kamenashi’s letters were always filled with the name ‘Jin’. With the passing of time, Kamenashi gradually adjusted to the loneliness. But his love for Papa remained as strong as before.
Even when Papa started dating Mama.
Even when Papa married Mama and had me…….
Kamenashi used his own way to treasure the three seasons that he spent with Papa.
They fell in love in the beginning of winter, and got separated at the end of summer.
Even at the very end of his life, Kamenashi was still missing his ex-lover… His ex-lover who was already married and had a child.
****
Hello Pi,
How’s your album recording coming along? Everything going smoothly?
Time flies. It is already the Christmas season now. The streets in New York must be bustling with activities, right? It is a total opposite of what I am seeing now. I can only see snow across the fields, and nothing else.
I went to New York once for our photo-shoot too, although that was about five years ago. I wonder if the scenery remained unchanged like what it was 5 years ago, or it has changed drastically just like me.
New York is a vibrant city filled with energy. Although I stayed in the most developed city in Japan, New York was truly an eye-opener for me. When I first reached there, I acted as though I was a country bumpkin. I was curious and excited about the things I saw along the way. I remembered tugging Jin’s sleeves as I went on and on about those interesting things I saw.
I had too many memories of that city.
The lovely cityscape.
The strong wind that almost blew Junno, Jin and me away when we were on Brooklyn Bridge.
The warm autumn sunshine in Central Park.
After that, Jin often remarked to me that I was unusually happy then. I would smile to myself out of the blue, or just hold his hands and run around in the park.
The evening that I went to watch the Major League matches with other staffs, Jin bided farewell to me outside the subway station. His hair was messed up by the evening wind. They kept hurrying me as we were running late for the match. When I saw the smile on Jin’s face as he waved goodbye to me amongst the commuters, a sense of comfort went across me.
On the train, I opened the paper bag that he gave me. It was filled with the Japanese snacks that I loved back in Tokyo. I had asked him why was there a tissue box inside his suitcase when we were in the hotel earlier, but Jin only blushed and refused to tell me the reason. Later then I found out that tissue box was used to protect the snacks he brought along from Japan; Jin was worried that the snacks might be squashed.
Inside the paper bag, there was a note from him reminding me to follow our staff closely when I was in the stadium. Even if I needed to go to the washroom or buy a drink, I must bring a staff along with me.
Jin also enclosed a name card of the hotel we stayed in, so that if I lost my way, I could always get a cab back. He also wrote a special note on how to choose a safe taxi… Our staff laughed when they saw his notes and commented that Jin was a nag. But, they never knew how important those naggings were to me.
When I got back, it was already 3am. I still remembered the sleepy look Jin as he sat on the bed. It was only after we got together that Jin told me the truth; he had specially stayed up to wait for me that night.
And I was silly enough to ask him why he didn’t go to bed if he was so tired. But after I thought through my question, I knew the reason why he stayed up.
Remember our photoshoot at Kashima? After that, it became my habit to sleep with my head propped on his arms whenever we went overseas. You know how I am prone to insomnia if I don’t sleep in my own cozy bed at home…… If Jin went to bed before me, he wouldn’t be able to nurse me to sleep, and I would end up having insomnia again.
On Christmas night, Jin asked me why I fell in love with him. My answer was ‘That’s because Jin is good to me’.
That wasn’t all. I couldn’t give him a precise explanation of why I loved him so much. I couldn’t even explain that to myself. Maybe I fell in love with him because he radiated life and energy that was like sunshine to me……
As long as I stayed by his side, I would feel warm. It was as if the warmth he radiated was an infectious one. Whenever he flashed his smile to me, I would feel strength and emotions rushing into me.
You know I’m afraid of the cold. Every winter, I would never leave home without mufflers and warm socks. But strangely, whenever Jin held my hand, our fingers interlaced, I could feel a flow of comforting warmth from his palm…..
I used to take strolls with Jin frequently at the birch forest near the hospital. Even now when I’m all alone, I still take a walk in that forest occasionally. I would stroll along the frozen forest lane slowly as I reminisced about what Jin and I did together.
Pi, have you ever turned back to look at your foot steps on a snowy day?
I would always stand at the place I originally set off from and look at the sight before me. The footsteps I left on the snow earlier on were gradually covered up by the new snowfall….. I looked back and couldn’t find the trail that I left behind… I looked ahead of me and it was just a vast field of snowy white. The steps I’m taking are just like the way I’m spending my days now. I can’t go back to the past, but I can’t move ahead too. The silent surroundings often make me feel sad; it was as though the world had forgotten about me.
Now, I am still able hear updates about Jin and know how he is getting by everyday. But other than imagining what he is doing at this moment, I am actually spending more time thinking about our past. The past not only included days that we were in love, it also included the times that we were trying to fathom each other’s feelings.
During that stage, we were merely close buddies. Ignorant of how the other person was feeling, we had to hide our feelings very carefully. We would try to prove our importance to each other through little tests and gestures. It was a mixture of sweetness and bitterness from the ambiguity then.
I know there isn’t any way to turn back time. But still, even till today, I can’t help but ponder… if we continued with that ambiguity till today, how different would our lives be?
Days will continue to pass, and life goes on. I’m not hoping for anything now. I’ve learnt to rely on my memories to live through my remaining days. That’s because I know I’ve no choice but to look at Jin from this distance… his gentle smile when her name was mentioned, and his unfamiliar expressions that seems so foreign to me…
This hospice has too many ill patients around. We are all alike in some way; we are forever waiting… waiting for others to visit, waiting for death to arrive… Some of them don’t even know what they are waiting for…
Pi, I’ve someone that I miss, and you’re always here to give me all the support I need. I guess… My life now isn’t that terrible after all…
****
Okie. I fessed’ up. i think i suck at this chapter and totally didn't do justice to this.
I cried when I was reading the original. -__-. So the grammar’s kinda fucked up.
Sorry!! *kneels down* and this is PURELY FICTIONAL AND AU.
Chapter 19: http://thescarletscar.livejournal.com/7513.html
akanishi kazumi's night at the lodge.
her observation through kame's letters.
kame's letter to pi: recollection of their new york photoshoot.
****
It was already very late, but I couldn’t get to sleep
My throat felt uncomfortably dry from the low humidity in the room. I got up, poured myself half a glass of water, took out those old letters from my luggage and read through them again. On my second reading, I could see Kamenashi’s health deteriorating with the changes in his handwriting.
Initially his handwriting was very neat and aligned, but as time passed, wrong characters began to appear in his letters. When it was about two years prior to his passing away, Kamenashi’s letters became very brief and his handwriting became more of a scribble. It seemed to prove that he had no strength to write his letters anymore. The nurses had to help him complete his letters on several occasions, because he didn’t have enough strength to complete his letters.
There was one thing that remained unchanged; Kamenashi’s letters were always filled with the name ‘Jin’. With the passing of time, Kamenashi gradually adjusted to the loneliness. But his love for Papa remained as strong as before.
Even when Papa started dating Mama.
Even when Papa married Mama and had me…….
Kamenashi used his own way to treasure the three seasons that he spent with Papa.
They fell in love in the beginning of winter, and got separated at the end of summer.
Even at the very end of his life, Kamenashi was still missing his ex-lover… His ex-lover who was already married and had a child.
****
Hello Pi,
How’s your album recording coming along? Everything going smoothly?
Time flies. It is already the Christmas season now. The streets in New York must be bustling with activities, right? It is a total opposite of what I am seeing now. I can only see snow across the fields, and nothing else.
I went to New York once for our photo-shoot too, although that was about five years ago. I wonder if the scenery remained unchanged like what it was 5 years ago, or it has changed drastically just like me.
New York is a vibrant city filled with energy. Although I stayed in the most developed city in Japan, New York was truly an eye-opener for me. When I first reached there, I acted as though I was a country bumpkin. I was curious and excited about the things I saw along the way. I remembered tugging Jin’s sleeves as I went on and on about those interesting things I saw.
I had too many memories of that city.
The lovely cityscape.
The strong wind that almost blew Junno, Jin and me away when we were on Brooklyn Bridge.
The warm autumn sunshine in Central Park.
After that, Jin often remarked to me that I was unusually happy then. I would smile to myself out of the blue, or just hold his hands and run around in the park.
The evening that I went to watch the Major League matches with other staffs, Jin bided farewell to me outside the subway station. His hair was messed up by the evening wind. They kept hurrying me as we were running late for the match. When I saw the smile on Jin’s face as he waved goodbye to me amongst the commuters, a sense of comfort went across me.
On the train, I opened the paper bag that he gave me. It was filled with the Japanese snacks that I loved back in Tokyo. I had asked him why was there a tissue box inside his suitcase when we were in the hotel earlier, but Jin only blushed and refused to tell me the reason. Later then I found out that tissue box was used to protect the snacks he brought along from Japan; Jin was worried that the snacks might be squashed.
Inside the paper bag, there was a note from him reminding me to follow our staff closely when I was in the stadium. Even if I needed to go to the washroom or buy a drink, I must bring a staff along with me.
Jin also enclosed a name card of the hotel we stayed in, so that if I lost my way, I could always get a cab back. He also wrote a special note on how to choose a safe taxi… Our staff laughed when they saw his notes and commented that Jin was a nag. But, they never knew how important those naggings were to me.
When I got back, it was already 3am. I still remembered the sleepy look Jin as he sat on the bed. It was only after we got together that Jin told me the truth; he had specially stayed up to wait for me that night.
And I was silly enough to ask him why he didn’t go to bed if he was so tired. But after I thought through my question, I knew the reason why he stayed up.
Remember our photoshoot at Kashima? After that, it became my habit to sleep with my head propped on his arms whenever we went overseas. You know how I am prone to insomnia if I don’t sleep in my own cozy bed at home…… If Jin went to bed before me, he wouldn’t be able to nurse me to sleep, and I would end up having insomnia again.
On Christmas night, Jin asked me why I fell in love with him. My answer was ‘That’s because Jin is good to me’.
That wasn’t all. I couldn’t give him a precise explanation of why I loved him so much. I couldn’t even explain that to myself. Maybe I fell in love with him because he radiated life and energy that was like sunshine to me……
As long as I stayed by his side, I would feel warm. It was as if the warmth he radiated was an infectious one. Whenever he flashed his smile to me, I would feel strength and emotions rushing into me.
You know I’m afraid of the cold. Every winter, I would never leave home without mufflers and warm socks. But strangely, whenever Jin held my hand, our fingers interlaced, I could feel a flow of comforting warmth from his palm…..
I used to take strolls with Jin frequently at the birch forest near the hospital. Even now when I’m all alone, I still take a walk in that forest occasionally. I would stroll along the frozen forest lane slowly as I reminisced about what Jin and I did together.
Pi, have you ever turned back to look at your foot steps on a snowy day?
I would always stand at the place I originally set off from and look at the sight before me. The footsteps I left on the snow earlier on were gradually covered up by the new snowfall….. I looked back and couldn’t find the trail that I left behind… I looked ahead of me and it was just a vast field of snowy white. The steps I’m taking are just like the way I’m spending my days now. I can’t go back to the past, but I can’t move ahead too. The silent surroundings often make me feel sad; it was as though the world had forgotten about me.
Now, I am still able hear updates about Jin and know how he is getting by everyday. But other than imagining what he is doing at this moment, I am actually spending more time thinking about our past. The past not only included days that we were in love, it also included the times that we were trying to fathom each other’s feelings.
During that stage, we were merely close buddies. Ignorant of how the other person was feeling, we had to hide our feelings very carefully. We would try to prove our importance to each other through little tests and gestures. It was a mixture of sweetness and bitterness from the ambiguity then.
I know there isn’t any way to turn back time. But still, even till today, I can’t help but ponder… if we continued with that ambiguity till today, how different would our lives be?
Days will continue to pass, and life goes on. I’m not hoping for anything now. I’ve learnt to rely on my memories to live through my remaining days. That’s because I know I’ve no choice but to look at Jin from this distance… his gentle smile when her name was mentioned, and his unfamiliar expressions that seems so foreign to me…
This hospice has too many ill patients around. We are all alike in some way; we are forever waiting… waiting for others to visit, waiting for death to arrive… Some of them don’t even know what they are waiting for…
Pi, I’ve someone that I miss, and you’re always here to give me all the support I need. I guess… My life now isn’t that terrible after all…
****
Okie. I fessed’ up. i think i suck at this chapter and totally didn't do justice to this.
I cried when I was reading the original. -__-. So the grammar’s kinda fucked up.
Sorry!! *kneels down* and this is PURELY FICTIONAL AND AU.
Chapter 19: http://thescarletscar.livejournal.com/7513.html