Paper Heart 2/4

[thesockmonster]

Jongin’s feet are tapping on light patterned tile, her bottom lip trapped in her teeth as her eyes glaze over. She’s a bit light-headed, not having eaten much this morning before her appointment, but she hadn’t anticipated them draining half her blood. She should have. Now her stomach is waging a protest and her head is pounding and she’s covered in cold sweat because she’d nearly passed out.

When Kyungsoo volunteered to come with her for her first Official Pregnancy Start-Up appointment, she’d waved him off and scoffed that he would think she wouldn’t be able to handle it herself. Now she’s second guessing that decision, finger hovering over Kyungsoo’s name on her phone. The only reason she hasn’t sent off a text yet is because he won’t even need to use any emoticons for her to hear the I told you so in his tone.

Baekhyun had given Jongin a choice when she was here only a few weeks ago. She’d been listing off trained obstetricians available and ended with herself when she could have just opened with that because Jongin’s already comfortable with Baekhyun. The woman’s already well acquainted with Jongin’s body so going with anyone else would have been silly. Still, it was nice of Baekhyun to offer.

Jongin’s gown falls open in the back and she shivers, reaching around to hold it closed. The ties never stay done and usually it’s a matter of either holding the fabric closed on her gown, or gripping the paper covering up around her waist. She could be getting dressed. Baekhyun’s already been by to check on her, her demeanor cheerful even when she was leaning between Jongin’s legs to administer a pap smear. “Just to be safe. It’s been almost a year since your last one.”

After discussing a diet of mostly bland foods and a sympathetic pout when Jongin talked about how her prenatal vitamins were making her feel worse, Baekhyun had told Jongin she could rest for as long as she needed before leaving the room. Jongin’s still a little woozy, but she slowly starts piecing herself together, grimacing at the slide of her thighs. There are only scratchy paper towels in the room and she dabs herself down, vowing to shower when she gets home.

Jongin finally shoots Kyungsoo a text before slipping on her shoes. He answers back almost instantly. He’d probably been staring at his phone, waiting for Jongin to cave and accept a ride from him. She waits just outside the clinic, enjoying the warm autumn sun on her legs and face. Her sunglasses slip down her nose and she pushes them back up, tilting her head back and letting her eyes close. It would be so easy to fall asleep and she struggles not to, thankful when Kyungsoo pulls up to rescue her.

“You look like death warmed over,” Kyungsoo remarks.

She pauses, seatbelt mid-way over her lap, and seriously contemplates hitting her best friend in the mouth. “I’ve decided vampirism is the only way I’m going to survive this so I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to eat you now,” she deadpans.

Kyungsoo rolls his eyes, then reaches over and buckles Jongin in for her. “I hear you’re supposed to drink a vampire’s blood too, but you just look half drained.”

“Asshole,” Jongin grumbles, wiggling her butt in the seat until she’s comfortable.

“Be nice. This asshole is going to make sure you eat before you go to work.”

Jongin just sticks her tongue out at him, silently brooding over the state of her stomach. It’s not too long of a drive, but her entire body feels it and she’s wobbly when she gets out of the car. Kyungsoo rushes over to keep her from stumbling, clucking his tongue as Jongin pouts at him.

“Hey boss!” Soojung greets as the pair walk into the bakery. “Wasn’t expecting you till later.”

Kyungsoo eyes the half empty trays in the cases and sighs. He hates it when they aren’t all full in the middle of the day. At night, he’s a little more forgiving. But, Jongin is also aware that Soojung has this uncanny ability to up-sell anything and she’s the reason that Kyungsoo fights to keep their inventory full. Jongin once witnessed Soojung convince a guy that his apology cookies needed a box of chocolate strawberries to go with them, and you can’t have chocolate strawberries with just cookies. The man ended up walking out with half the baked goods in the shop.

Kyungsoo had wanted to throttle her and kiss her at the same time. Instead, he just gave her a raise and told her not to let it get to her head.

He’s the only one who can keep up with Soojung emptying the cases. Irene - their other baker - tries, but she doesn’t have as much experience and if she rushes, the food doesn’t come out as good. Or as pretty.

Jongin takes a seat as Kyungsoo disappears into the back. Soojung nudges her a few minutes later, placing a strawberry muffin and a glass of milk in front of her. “We ran out of blueberry,” she apologizes. “And Kyungsoo said you’re banned from coffee.”

Jongin huffs and Soojung grins as she spins on her heel to greet the customers who have just walked in the door. “Welcome to The Naked Baker!” she chirps. “What sweet treat may I get for you today?”

Jongin may as well make herself comfortable. Kyungsoo probably won’t tear himself from the kitchen until he’s caught Irene up and the displays are refilled. That man has a work ethic that Jongin envies, but it helps that he’s doing something he loves and even after several years, his enthusiasm hasn’t waned. Plus, now Jongin gets a cat nap in before going back to work for the rest of the afternoon.

Jongin’s starting to think she’s got this under control. She’s still exhausted when she gets up in the morning, fighting with herself to roll out from underneath toasty blankets, but she does. And her head doesn’t pound anymore now that she’s finally getting over her caffeine headaches. Plus, with the tea, she still has something to replace coffee in her routine and it gets her stomach settled in time for lunch. It means less trips to the bathroom and her travel toothbrush gets to stay in her purse.

It’s been a very long couple of weeks and she’s planning on thoroughly pampering herself this weekend. The world will be lucky if she manages to step out of her apartment to grace it with her presence. She’ll probably end up in a pillow pile on the couch, finishing up these designs that she’s been putting off. None of them feel right.

Jongin tosses them aside and stands, slowly rolling her ankle until it pops before walking toward the front counter. Yixing is out at the printers and Chanyeol has a client on speakerphone in his office. The only thing Jongin hears through the door is Chanyeol’s booming laughter.

It leaves Jongin free to waste her time. Or it would if someone wasn’t walking through the door. Jongin glances up and wishes she hadn’t. Really, really, really wishes. Because Luhan has just flounced in, her hair bleached silver and flowing down her back in waves. She looks so much like the magical shoujo heroine straight from the manga that Jongin had been addicted to when she was a teenager.

Luhan is smiling, speaking, waving her hand in Jongin’s face, but Jongin is gone. She’s vacated her body in search of one with a view that doesn’t have her heart spewing all over the counter in front of her. “Jongin?” Luhan questions, snapping her fingers in Jongin’s face.

Jongin’s mouth falls open. Nothing comes out but the faintest of squeaks. And she’s quick to clack her teeth shut after, cheeks burning in embarrassment. Jongin couldn’t form a coherent sentence if she tried.

Luhan appears far too pleased with herself. Jongin knows smug when she sees it. Luhan wears the emotion often; Jongin just hadn’t expected to be the recipient of it. Luhan leans on the counter, her forearms together and the front of her shirt dipping enough to tease. Jongin swallows and tries to pull her eyes away, but dammit, Luhan is so breathtakingly beautiful.

“If I’d have known you’d react like this, I would have gift-wrapped myself,” Luhan teases.

“Why-” Jongin croaks, pausing to clear her throat. “Why is your hair the shade of my mother’s?”

The smile on Luhan’s face falls into a frown and she sits up, nose scrunched. She’s gone from sexy to cute in under two seconds and Jongin might actually pass out. When was the last time she ate?

“You’re not a very good liar,” Luhan announces. “And Tao wanted to go with ethereal as a theme for this last shoot. Somehow that means silver hair. I kinda like it.”

“It looks weird,” Jongin says defensively, aggressively trying not to picture Luhan in any kind of ethereal way.

“Bullshit,” Luhan laughs. “You think it’s hot. It’s written all over your face.”

“There is nothing on my face except sympathy for your poor frazzled strands of dried up hair that are going to start snapping off.”

Luhan gathers her hair on one side and leans on the counter again. “Feel it. Soft and silky.”

Jongin knows better than to take the bait, but she does anyway. She reaches out, clearly surprising Luhan by not putting up a fight, and lets her fingers slide over the side of Luhan’s head and down into her hair. It really does feel nice and smooth. Jongin flicks her thumb over the ends of the strands and hums lightly. When she looks back at Luhan, Luhan’s stare seems to be fixated on Jongin’s mouth.

Jongin gulps, her stomach swooping and her heart climbing into her throat. That whole spewing thing might get very real, very soon. Jongin can’t seem to pull herself away, even if her brain is telling her that Luhan is leaning in. She’s so close that Jongin could count her eyelashes and Jongin takes in a shuddering breath.

The bell over the door rings and Jongin startles, stepping back and away from Luhan as her heart pounds beneath her ribs.

Yixing is smirking at the two of them like she knows exactly what’s going on. “Am I interrupting something?” she sing-songs, clearly entertained. Jongin takes the chance to lower herself to the floor, crouching out of sight.

“I brought the next set of photos for you to peruse at your leisure. Tao won’t need anything new for a while - I hope - but eventually it’ll be -”

“Did you come all the way here just to hand me something I don’t need?” Yixing teases. She walks behind the counter, a packet in her hand and a twinkling smile directed at Jongin who is still on the floor. “Or was it an excuse to see our pretty Jongin?”

Jongin hisses and reaches out to slap Yixing’s leg. Above her, Jongin hears Luhan’s scoffing laugh. “I was being nice by letting you get a head start,” she answers although her voice is a bit too high. “See if I do anything nice for you again.”

Jongin shrinks in on herself, holding her breath until the bell rings and Yixing is doubling over in silent laughter. Jongin hits her leg again and decides she’s staying right where she is for the rest of the day.

Saturday finds Jongin cuddling a pillow on her couch, staring blankly at her television as she waits for inspiration to strike. The female on the show is blonde and pretty, but not as pretty as Luhan. Jongin doesn’t mean to think about Luhan, but it always seems to happen. She lets out a soft, dreamy sigh and hugs the pillow to her arms to her face, smothering a scream. She hates the way her heart flutters and her cheeks feel warm.

Luhan isn’t supposed to instill these reactions in her anymore. Jongin should be desensitized to Luhan’s flirting and her adorably sexy face and her tendency to invade Jongin’s space, but she’s not. It’s just as bad as it was when they met. Or maybe it’s worse. At this point she knows all of Luhan’s flaws and still finds her so . . . maddening.

It’s easy, sometimes, to imagine what it would be like if she gave in. Moments of weakness have her daydreaming about Luhan sitting on her lap, tucking Jongin’s hair behind her ears, and peering down at Jongin as if she’s the most precious thing in the world. It’s so easy because Jongin can draw on actual memories. Luhan had treated her like she was special. She’d doted on her and complimented her and used every excuse to touch her.

Jongin’s stomach clenches just thinking about the past. Her heart thunders and her chest aches because as much as she loved it, she was also afraid. Luhan hadn’t been part of that steady routine that got Jongin through her days without panic. The temptation to veer from that straight and narrow path would be greater if Jongin’s last detour hadn’t left her with something that would affect her for the rest of her life.

Her hand finds its way to her stomach, splayed underneath her belly button. It doesn’t feel any different, but she knows it is. Inside. There’s a life growing inside her, depending on her to care for it. And Jongin will. There was never any question of that.

She wonders what her child will be like - if it will be a boy or a girl, dark hair or light? She’s going to be responsible for a little person. The idea is terrifying, mostly because she doesn’t want to be her parents. She’s not her parents.

Jongin looks down at her tummy and pats it a few times. “Hey you in there,” she starts, “I’m promising you right now that you can be anything you want to be. Anything. And I’ll love you no matter what.”

On the coffee table, Jongin’s phone starts ringing and she jumps, cursing when her pillow hits the floor.

“Do you have any idea what time it is?” she grumps when she accepts the call even if it’s barely noon and everyone who knows Jongin knows she is physically incapable of sleeping past ten.

Kyungsoo laughs in her ear. “Unlock your door, Jongin. I come bearing food.”

Jongin scrambles off the couch; food is worth moving from her throne of pillows and blankets. She swings open the door and Kyungsoo holds up a bag. “I brought fruit kebabs.”

The only downside to having an amazingly relaxing weekend with a best friend who spoils Jongin rotten is that something is bound to go wrong on Monday. It never fails. She’d been in such a wonderful mood this morning despite her stomach’s valiant efforts to drag her down. She sipped on warm tea and pulled out a few of the final drawings she’d managed to get out over the weekend and handed them over to Yixing, feeling rather accomplished all things considered.

That was this morning.

This afternoon has Jongin trapped in a conference room with a potential client who seems to have little understanding of the pesky details about advertising like Copyright Laws and the consequences of breaking them. She’s managed to chew the cap of her pen into plastic mush and her teeth hurt and she might actually try to use the pen to stab someone.

Chanyeol has been trying his damndest to make this man get the concept, but it’s not taking. Even Yixing can’t keep the disbelief off her face. Her upper lip is curled and she’s staring with her mouth open and forehead wrinkled in complete disdain. Jongin’s actually sketched it out on her paper, adding a little cartoon body with flailing arms to go along with it.

Eventually, everyone decides that enough is enough. Chanyeol, polite as ever, escorts the man out of the building and walks back into the conference room after, smoothing out his shirt. “Hard pass,” he grunts and then leaves. “I’m going to Kyungsoo’s for something bad for my health and I’m taking orders.”

“Anything covered in chocolate!” Yixing calls out, slipping from her seat to move into the one next to Jongin.

Jongin tilts her drawing at Yixing who snorts in amusement as she takes it from her. “Something with fruit! Ask Soo. He’ll know what I want. Thank you!”

Chanyeol makes a noise and leaves, probably grumpy because he hates losing potential clients. Especially over something this dumb.

“Fruit?” Yixing asks, rotating Jongin’s chair until she can drape her legs over Jongin’s lap. Usually, when offered a choice, Jongin jumps on sweet and sugary over healthy.

“Soo brought the best fruit kebabs over the weekend,” Jongin gushes. “They were like heaven on a stick.”

“And how’s your stomach?”

The floor drops out from underneath Jongin. She sucks in a sharp breath without meaning to. “Getting better,” she mumbles even as the guilt wells in her chest. She knows that Yixing and Chanyeol worry about her. And it’s hard not to tell them, but it’s harder to come out with the words. There’s no way she can handle the barrage of questions that would follow when she doesn’t even have the answers herself.

“You know,” Yixing starts, leaning back in her chair with Jongin’s sketch held up to see, “I should use this for my business cards.”

Jongin grins, even if she knows what Yixing is doing. She’d been obviously uncomfortable and Yixing is never the type to push at boundaries except when she knows Jongin wants them pushed. And Jongin doesn’t. Not right now. Jongin would scoot over onto Yixing’s lap to hug her if she weren’t already so comfortable where she is.

“What did you forget this time?” Yixing shouts when the bell rings over the door. Chanyeol is constantly walking out without his keys or his wallet or his phone or sometimes his shoes. He’s actually walked several blocks in his socks before noticing that people were staring at his feet.

“My date,” answers a very not Chanyeol voice.

“You’re not Chanyeol,” Yixing states when Luhan parades into the conference room.

“I’m much hotter than Chanyeol,” Luhan tosses out without hesitation. “And probably far better company.”

Yixing raises an eyebrow at her. “And who is your lucky date?”

Luhan spins and smiles down at Jongin who has valiantly not turned three shades of red from the vision of Luhan’s mostly backless top. It’s only held together with a few strings of fabric. Strings. “Jongin, if she’ll have me.”

“Oh she’ll have you,” Yixing teases, pulling her legs off Jongin’s lap. “It’s probably best to get her out of the office before she goes Hulk.”

“Bad day?” Luhan asks Jongin, her fingers already finding a home in Jongin’s hair. Jongin resolutely Does Not tilt into the touch.

It’s Yixing who answers even if the question wasn’t directed at her. “Asshole potential client whom I can now stamp DENIED all over before shredding the file.” There are few things that make Yixing happier than getting to run something through the paper shredder. Jongin will never understand.

"So how about it?" Luhan croons even as she lulls Jongin into a sense of security that pulls at her heart.

She completely forgets about Chanyeol and fruit, pushing herself out of her chair. "Lunch sounds great if you're paying."

Luhan clucks her tongue, but tucks Jongin against her side anyway. "Of course I am. I love spoiling my favorites."

Jongin's stomach somersaults across the office and out the door, leaving Jongin with the sinking feeling that she's about to lose a key battle with herself that she hadn't even been aware she was fighting. It's easy to get her outside in the fresh air, Luhan holding tight to Jongin's hand.

"Are you in the mood for anything in particular?" Luhan queries, her eyes squinting until she pulls the sunglasses from her hair and slips them on. There's still a little hair trapped in the side and Jongin brushes it free, tucking it behind Luhan's ear, not realizing what she's doing until she catches Luhan staring at her.

"Anywhere is fine," Jongin answers, hoping to pull Luhan's attention from the red staining her cheeks. This is awful. She's not supposed to be this way. She shouldn't allow Luhan to keep such a possessive hold on her as she weaves them through afternoon foot traffic down the sidewalks, finally steering them into a small sandwich shop. She shouldn't be daydreaming about what this would be if it was a date.

Jongin is pregnant. She can't afford to let her head drift into the clouds when there's a responsibility as heavy as this weighing her down. This isn't about her anymore. This is about the little peanut currently enjoying Jongin's club sandwich with her.

"Yixing says you're nearly out of that tea I brought in. Should I pick up more?" Luhan inquires, head tilted so the sunlight glints off the back-to-blonde strands and threatens to blind Jongin.

"You don't need to. I'll grab some the next time I'm out."

Luhan pouts, kicking at Jongin's ankle lightly under the small table they're sharing. "Let me do something nice for you and at least keep you stocked up on tea. It seems to have helped."

"It has," Jongin answers with a smile. "And I think the coffee detox has done wonders for my health. You should try it."

Luhan's face scrunches just before she laughs. She's loud and obnoxious and her jaw looks as if it may unhinge completely and still, Jongin is enamored. Jongin picks at the bread on her sandwich until a smiley face stares up at her. Luhan is back to babbling about the new flavors of coffee she's been mixing together and Jongin is quite possibly in over her head.

She wonders what would happen if she told Luhan. Would there be judgement on her pretty face, the smile gone from her lips as she realizes that Jongin isn't joking? Would she still treat Jongin so wonderfully?

The words bubble up in her throat, just waiting for Jongin to open her mouth and let them come floating out. Luhan's sandal hits lightly against Jongin's ankle under the table and Luhan raises her hands, gesticulating as she talks about her experience with the worst barista she's ever come across.

In the end, Jongin bites her tongue. She finishes her food in near silence and lets Luhan accompany her back to the office. Luhan pulls her into a hug before she leaves and Jongin hates herself.

Jongin spends the rest of her afternoon lamenting her feelings towards Luhan as she slumps over the front counter for support. There's a piece of paper she's scribbling on - mostly angry faces plastered on tiny Luhan bodies and the occasional cat because who doesn't love cats. Even Chanyeol loves cats and he's allergic. (They found that out the hard way when they'd tried to get an office cat. Now the poor kitty lives with Yixing.)

Chanyeol swans in, tablet in hand until he spots Jongin and halts in his tracks. "Uh," he begins, gesturing to Jongin vaguely. "Nice bra?"

Heat flares in Jongin's cheeks when she realizes her shirt had dropped low enough to showcase directly down to her bra. She presses a hand to her chest as Yixing throws a disturbingly accurate paper ball that hits Chanyeol right between the eyes.

Jongin has never spent so much time in the produce section of the grocery store in her life. There is a variety of fresh fruits and vegetables for her to pick from and it’s a little intimidating. She’ll be the first one to admit that she’s a terrible eater and this is why.

She’d declined an invitation from Yixing to go out for dinner with Chanyeol and Tao after work because she was still drowning in her Luhan related misery and now she’s starting to regret it. Even if she has to deal with Chanyeol on a daily basis, it’s far more entertaining when Tao is there, obviously flirting and getting blank stares in return.

Jongin eventually abandons her adventures in the produce section and heads into familiar territory. Fruit flavored gummies are close enough to real thing, right? She drops a box in her cart and pushes off, heading for the breakfast aisle after. Normally she’s not much for putting food on her stomach first thing in the morning, but Yixing had suggested those breakfast drinks instead because they’re full of vitamins and would probably help.

She’s tired, dragging her feet and Jongin slowly shuffles her way around until she’s stopped altogether. There’s a family standing further down the aisle. The mom is examining the top shelf of cereal, a little boy is zooming like an airplane around the cart and a young girl is watching him, laughing from her seat in the front of the cart. Jongin is smiling at the girl absentmindedly, admiring her adorably puffy cheeks and the unruly curls in her hair.

Someone turns down the aisle behind Jongin and she has to move, but not without waving at the little girl when she passes. The mother is putting several boxes in the cart while simultaneously keeping her son from running directly into the path of the other carts and Jongin wonders if she’ll ever manage doing this all on her own. It’s been just her for so long.

Motherly instincts kick in on their own, don’t they?

Without meaning to, Jongin’s thoughts turn to Luhan. Luhan would probably be amazing with a child. She’s one of those people who can handle anything thrust at her. Jongin’s heart races and she groans, snapping out of the scenes her imagination is conjuring when her cart slams into a display of granola bars. The boxes spill to the floor, a few making it into her cart and Jongin is mortified.

Her cheeks are hot and she gets down onto the floor to clean it up. She’s eventually shooed away by an employee as she apologizes over and over.

Really, how is she supposed to care for another person when she can barely take care of herself?

At least Jongin will always have Kyungsoo. He forces her out of her misery and into the back of his shop, allowing her to partake of his latest creation.

The Naked Baker is known for its amazing sweets and delicious baked goods, but there’s more to it than that. All that is just the front. What Kyungsoo really enjoys are the custom orders that cater to the . . . unique customer. He gets paid well to make the oddest, usually borderline pornographic, creations. Sometimes he gets carried away.

Like now.

He’s standing proudly in front of a table that displays his newest order.

“A dick train,” Jongin deadpans. It would look like one of the festive ones Jongin and Kyungsoo used to build from pre-made gingerbread kits when she’d stay at his house over the holidays as kids, except it’s far more colorful and every train car is shaped like a penis. Kyungsoo is preening. “It looks like a rainbow threw up on it.”

“They wanted extravagant and I made extravagant,” Kyungsoo returns, his smile falling.

Jongin gazes down at the masterpiece of penis cars, each outlined with white frosting that has multi-colored penis shaped gummies stuck to it. There are even little passengers that look like dick-shaped lollipops sitting in rows. There are more dicks on this train than Jongin had ever thought possible and while anyone else might have made a mess of this order, she has to admit that it’s pleasing to the eye.

“I think your dick aficionados will be pleased.”

Kyungsoo brightens up, clapping once at Jongin’s approval. “I had to order the gummies and the lollipops, but they taste amazing. Here.”

Kyungsoo pops a purple dick-shaped gummy into Jongin’s mouth before she can protest. She bites down on it and - “Wow,” she groans. “This is good.”

“I know!” Kyungsoo exclaims in glee. “I ordered way too many though, so you can have them. Otherwise I’ll eat them all myself and I nearly gave myself a stomach ache once today.”

Jongin is already shoving a few more in her mouth, intent on grabbing the other two unopened bags to put in her purse for later. The fruit gummies she’d gotten at the store have nothing on these.

“Pace yourself,” Kyungsoo cautions. “Make sure peanut enjoys them as much as you do.”

Jongin pats her tummy. “My baby has excellent taste. There’s no need to fear.”

Kyungsoo is already opening his mouth, probably to chide Jongin on her assumptions, but the chime of someone entering the shop echoes in the back. He’s slipping out to the front, letting the door swing behind him as Jongin sticks her tongue out at him.

“Is Jongin here?” she hears Yixing ask.

“She’s in the back,” Kyungsoo answers. “Eating dick.”

Jongin’s cheeks are turning red when she walks out, head held high and all Kyungsoo’s extra gummy dicks now in her bag. “Fruity dick,” she clarifies, tossing a few more in her mouth. “You want one?”

Yixing picks an orange gummy from Jongin’s handful before wrapping an arm around Jongin’s waist to lead her back to the office. She waves absently behind her at Kyungsoo, occupied with sorting her gummies into groups so she gets maximum flavor. Yixing is kind enough to be her eyes, letting Jongin lean against her the entire way there.

Chanyeol is propped on the front counter when they get back, the sleeves of his purple button-up rolled to his elbows and the top two buttons undone. He’s making a horrible face at something on the paper in front of him. Jongin bounds over, holding out her hand. “Cherry dick?” she offers with a smile.

Chanyeol blinks, but opens his mouth and lets Jongin pop a few in before she eats the rest. He makes a noise of approval, eyebrows raising and his once horrible face is now a different kind of horrible. A mellow horrible. She’s just about to ask why Chanyeol is frowning so deeply when she’s cut off by the door opening. Never a moment of peace.

“Tao!” Yixing exclaims, alerting Jongin as to who is now traipsing into the office. “You’re right on time! Chanyeol is eating Jongin’s dick!”

Chanyeol bursts into laughter and Jongin huffs, turning to give Yixing a face. “Fine, I’m not sharing my dicks anymore.” She makes a show of tossing another few in her mouth before retreating to her desk. She’s only mildly embarrassed that Luhan had come in with Tao and is now chasing after Jongin in lieu of standing by Tao. He’s entertaining Yixing and Chanyeol with his best imitation of a fish. He’s probably been struck dumb by the veins on Chanyeol’s arms.

“Dicks, huh?” Luhan inquires, peering curiously at the bag of gummies on Jongin’s desk. “Can I try some?”

Jongin would stand by her no sharing statement, but the sun is glinting off Luhan’s hair and her lips are so unfairly pink and glittery and Jongin can’t say no to that. It’s at this point that Jongin has to confess, at least to herself, that Luhan is her favorite and she’s always going to be a sucker for her.

Luhan sits on the corner of Jongin’s desk, biting the tips off the penises before eating the rest and Jongin is so fond her heart aches. Luhan is a vicious dick killer and Jongin spends the rest of her day with images of Luhan’s mouth and tongue taunting her every time she blinks.

Jongin is having a very emotional day.

It started this morning with a doctor's visit. There had been promises of less needles made last time which is why Jongin had decided going alone would be fine. What she hadn't anticipated was having everyone on the bus shuffling away from the crazy crying lady who was seated near the back.

Her eyes are still sore and puffy and Yixing had immediately swept Jongin into a hug when she'd come in to work after. She'd still been woozy then, but she's doing better now. She’s had her tea which helped clear her head and Chanyeol had placed a cup of mixed fruit pieces on her desk not long after.

There's work in front of her; her desk is an uncharacteristically cluttered mess and yet she can't be bothered to fix it just yet. Her hand rests flat on her belly, pushing just the slightest bit over where her baby is growing. Tears threaten to spring to her eyes again and she blinks them back.

It was one thing to know there was a tiny life growing inside of her, but during her appointment, she'd heard its heartbeat for the first time. It had brought such a shock of reality that Jongin had frozen, her heart thumping loud in her ears. There's a baby inside her body and it's very much alive. She’d cried from happiness after that, feeling overwhelmed by her emotions.

It wasn’t as draining on her, but she’s extra vigilant to stay hydrated anyway.

The bell on the door tinkles and Jongin glances up, watching as a new customer walks inside. He's clearly never been in before and Jongin is about to call for Chanyeol when Yixing pops out. Jongin is spared from having to move and she goes back to absentmindedly going over several lines again as she smiles to herself, her head propped on her hand.

She's humming a tune under her breath, her mind dwindling off into its own little world of days spent taking care of her son or daughter, of wondering what her child will be like when it grows.

A giggle echoes through the office and Jongin snaps out of her reverie, head whipping up to see Yixing in her standard Flirting Pose. She's leaning over the desk, arms crossed beneath her breasts so her cleavage pools over the low cut neckline of her top. From here, Jongin can see how valiantly the man is trying to keep his eyes on her face. His cheeks are pink and he's smiling at Yixing like she's the most incredible thing he's ever seen.

Chanyeol finally comes out of the back and he makes a beeline right for the customer, but Yixing waves him off. Jongin suppresses a snort of amusement, her attention riveted on the scene. Chanyeol joins her, sitting on the edge of her desk and pretending he's looking over Jongin's sketches as the pair watch.

Yixing is definitely flirting. And if Jongin's not mistaken, so is the customer. He's got this starstruck expression, his lips curved up on one side as he speaks and Yixing keeps edging closer toward him even if there's not much further she can go short of climbing on the counter. Jongin wouldn't put it past her.

The sound of Chanyeol's ringtone goes off in his office and he whines when he has to dart off to grab it, leaving Jongin the sole audience of a rather intense mating dance. She has to bite her tongue a few times, not wanting to remind Yixing that she's sitting right behind her.

Jongin pops a cube of fresh honeydew into her mouth, licking the juice off her fingers when the bell rings again. It must be one of those busy days. She's about to stand, but sits when she sees that it's just Tao. And Luhan.

Jongin's stomach flips.

The two of them stop in their tracks when they see Yixing doing her thing. Tao's mouth drops and Luhan reaches over to close it again. Jongin half-stands to wave them over.

"What's going on?" Luhan whispers. She smells amazing today and her hair tickles Jongin's shoulder.

"Yixing is in full flirt mode," she whispers back loud enough for both Tao and Luhan to hear. "She's been at it for twenty minutes."

"I think he's about to faceplant in her rack," Luhan laughs softly.

"Only because Yixing wants him to," Jongin answers, amused. "I forgot how aggressive she can be."

"It's a thing of beauty," Luhan sighs, reaching over to steal a piece Jongin's watermelon.

Tao cocks his head, chewing the inside of his cheek thoughtfully. "I wonder if she could teach me a thing or two."

"You don't need any teaching," Luhan snorts. "You just have a dense audience."

"Speaking of . . . " Jongin whispers just as Chanyeol walks out of his office, distracted by the phone pressed to his ear.

Tao gets one look at the skinny jeans Chanyeol had probably had to wrestle on this morning and flops right on Jongin's desk with a dazed look on his face.

"They might be a while," Luhan says softly as she gestures toward Yixing, breath caressing Jongin's ear. "Can I buy you lunch?"

Jongin's head says no, but her heart and stomach team up to overrule good sense. Tao will be fine. Jongin pushes him toward her vacated chair and he doesn't seem to notice even when they tell him they're leaving. He's too fixated on the way Chanyeol's jeans seem to accentuate the little bit of ass Chanyeol actually has. Jongin will never understand.

"You should have let me take you," Kyungsoo says for the third or fourth time since Jongin got to his apartment.

She sighs and sets down her tall glass of milk, letting out a soft burp after. "I didn't need you there," she answers for the third or fourth time.

Kyungsoo frowns and flicks the water on his fingertips toward her before putting his plate in the rack to dry. She laughs as she ducks. He's been grumpy because he wanted to hear the baby's heartbeat and he feels that Jongin's stolen a precious moment from him. "Oh come on," she chuckles. "You can come next time."

Kyungsoo straightens up, his frown replaced with a smile. Jongin rolls her eyes fondly. "If I'd known how important it was to you, I'd have let you take me. Honestly, I didn't know they were going to listen for the heartbeat. I go into these things blind."

"Which is why you need me there," Kyungsoo replies succinctly. "Besides, if it's something to do with you, it's automatically important to me."

It's not the first time Kyungsoo's gotten sentimental on her, but this time it makes her tear up. Jongin tries to hide it behind a piece of chicken, staring down at her plate as she takes a large bite. It tastes even better now than it used to. Her belly is mostly full still, but she can't stand the thought of this chicken going to waste.

Kyungsoo steals her plate away and Jongin makes a gurgling noise around the food in her mouth, giving chase immediately. He leads her into the living room, setting the plate on the coffee table. "Sit," he orders before leaving the room.

Jongin does as she's told if only to make Kyungsoo feel better. He returns with her glass, topped off with milk, and she feels moderately spoiled. She could definitely get used to this.

"I was doing some research online," Kyungsoo begins when he sits on the opposite end of the couch. He leans over just enough to drag Jongin's feet onto his lap. The dark blue polish she'd put on last week is chipping. "Ankle swelling is a common ailment with pregnancy," he adds as his fingers begin feeling around her ankles. "Have you noticed any?"

Jongin jerks her foot a little when he finds a ticklish spot. "I think that's later on. I haven't even put on any weight yet."

He hums thoughtfully, but doesn't stop. She thinks about telling him that he doesn't have to worry, but his thumbs are pushing into the arch of her foot and it feels amazing. "You know I'm going to be here for you both, right?"

Jongin slides down to lay more comfortably, head cushioned on the arm of the couch. "I know," she answers with a hum, smiling. Kyungsoo is the one person in her life who has never let her down. And she knows he wouldn't even now.

"I think it'll be fun," he says. "Just think of all the birthday cakes I'll get to make."

Jongin snorts, reaching for her milk. "You make me a cake every year," she reminds him.

"Yeah, but it might look funny if I made you a three tiered princess themed cake with hot pink icing. You're an adult."

"I would love a hot pink princess cake," Jongin scoffs. "Besides, who says it's a girl? It could be a boy."

Kyungsoo tweaks Jongin's toe. "Yeah, and who says hot pink princesses can't be for boys?"

Jongin concedes the argument with an insincere roll of her eyes. Kyungsoo can bake any kind of cake he wants. It's nice to see him so excited though. He's been worrying over her for a while, and not without reason. But now that Jongin's not freaking out so often, he's mellowed out too.

Kyungsoo falls asleep first for a change. Jongin washes up her dishes and drapes a blanket over him before she leaves. He'll probably be grumpy with her for taking the public bus home so late at night instead of waking him up to drive her home or sleeping over, but Jongin has work piling up and it's waiting for her at home.

Yixing's birthday is always an entire day of celebration even if it falls on a work day. Chanyeol had once tried to get her to calm things down because it was Monday for god's sake and some of us are hungover but she'd ignored him completely.

This birthday is no different. She's decorated the office in bright yellow and orange streamers that match the colors on her dress to perfection. Leave it to Yixing to pull off shades that wash out Jongin completely. Her orange dress is gorgeous, softly laying over Yixing's curves in all the right ways. Jongin is only mildly (re:very much) envious.

Yixing thrusts a large muffin at Jongin and guides her to her desk, leaning against the edge as she tells Jongin all about the matching set of abstract vases her parents had gotten for her. Jongin waits for Yixing to stop gushing before she pulls out the box she'd forced into her satchel to hand over. It's not the greatest wrapping job and all Jongin had on hand was Christmas wrapping paper, but Yixing fawns over it just the same.

"Jongin!" Yixing gasps when she opens her gift. "I could kiss you!"

Jongin is very pleased with her choice of present this year. She'd been lucky enough to notice how fondly Yixing stared into the window of a certain shoe store when they went out for lunch. And now Yixing is the proud owner of a pair of bright purple heels that match perfectly with about a fourth of her wardrobe.

Yixing slips them on to flounce about like a natural, earning an odd look from Chanyeol when he finally makes an appearance. His face only scrunches more when he takes in the decorations and he lets out a defeated sigh. Yixing only beams at him.

“Oh!” Yixing exclaims, snapping her fingers to get both their attention. “I have made the command decision that this office and its workers will only get their coffee - or tea, in Jongin’s case - from Love-A-Latte.” Jongin nearly chokes on a laugh because the place belongs to the guy she was hardcore flirting with. “We must support our clients in every way.”

“Uh huh,” Chanyeol says slowly. “And how many trips will you be taking down there in a day?”

Yixing thumps him on the arm. “Don’t try to rain on my parade.”

“If by parade you mean flirting,” Jongin adds as Chanyeol rolls his eyes and walks off with a grumbling sigh.

Yixing spins on Jongin, a gleam in her eye. “I’m going to get that man in my bed and never let him go.”

“That’s called kidnapping,” Jongin helpfully supplies.

Yixing shrugs. “Not if he’s there by choice.”

It's going to be an interesting day.

Jongin is a little wired on sugar after being fed cupcakes for lunch and she would absolutely go out with Yixing to celebrate her birthday if it wasn't for her steadfast desire for sleep. There's a little bar a few blocks away that Yixing and her friends are going to after work and Yixing had invited her, but Jongin had politely declined. Yixing didn't seem surprised and they parted ways with a hug.

It's not so bad being at home. Alone. Jongin is burrowed on her couch, finishing off a more healthy meal as the news plays in the background. She's definitely more relaxed in a ratty t-shirt and shorts, her hair pulled back from her face. There are several designs set off to the side that she'd managed to put the finishing touches on before eating a late dinner.

Jongin startles when her phone lights up, pinging with a new message. Jongin does not do the social media thing or anything that involves updates on her life. She'd never felt comfortable and figuring out confusing website layouts isn't how she wants to spend her time. The closest thing she has is the text group she's in with Yixing and Chanyeol that Yixing had added her to.

It only ever goes off when Yixing has been drinking. A tipsy Yixing is a sentimental Yixing who likes to gush over people. So really, Jongin shouldn't be surprised. She slides her phone over, swiping to read the message.

jongin i luv u and i kno u don’t want ppl to kno but ur gon b a great mom

Something like panic wells in Jongin's chest and she forces herself to breathe. She reads over the message again. And again. But it doesn't change. Yixing knows.

Yixing knows.

Tears sting her eyes and Jongin covers her mouth with her hand when she starts crying. Yixing knows and she hasn't done anything different other than take a little extra care of her. Jongin's heart squeezes as she remembers all the mornings Yixing slipped her ginger wafers or helped her with her tea. She feels like such a crappy friend, but Yixing was there the entire time even without being told.

Her phone pings again and Jongin is almost too afraid to look at it. The message is from Chanyeol and she holds her breath when she reads it.

yes, she can come mother me tomorrow when im hungover.

Jongin barks out a laugh. Bless Chanyeol for being so unobservant.

stay hydrated, Jongin shoots back, knowing the two of them probably won't be worth a damn tomorrow. At least now she can give them a hearty, "I told you so."

The weather is starting to get chillier and Jongin's wardrobe goes through an overhaul. It isn't specifically that she needs to be in sweaters all the time because it's not that cold yet. But she'd been brushing her teeth, staring blankly at her reflection through the specks on her mirror when she noticed how filled out her stomach looked. There had been foam around her mouth, her toothbrush abandoned as she stood up straight and looked down, a hand over the bump that was definitely growing.

Sweaters provide the perfect cover for her growing baby bump. She's taken to pulling her hair up when she starts getting a little too warm, refusing to give in. It helps that some of them are large enough to slip off her shoulder and let the cool air sweep over the exposed skin, bringing relief.

She's in a lovely peach sweater today; the soft fabric is super comfortable even if it's just a tad on the warm side. Every now and then, she runs her hand underneath to fit her palm over her little bump just because she can. It means her baby is getting what it needs and it's growing. And that makes her happy.

Yixing has also kept her secret, hugging Jongin tight and telling her that things will be alright. She confessed to having figured it out not long after she'd gone to the doctor the first time. Jongin had cried and Yixing had too. But it's easier now that she knows.

It's early afternoon and Jongin's winding down from a frantic morning. They'd had a potential customer come in first thing, followed by several more ongoing accounts who needed updated sales flyers for the upcoming holiday.

Jongin is working on a little pumpkin with a toothy grin when Kyungsoo shows up, a box from his bakery in his hand. He's practically vibrating with excitement as he power walks directly to where Jongin is standing behind the front counter, a grin on his face. "I come with a gift," he announces, holding the box out for Jongin to take.

She's cautious about taking something from Kyungsoo when he looks so maniacal. She takes the box slowly, peering at the contents through the window at the top. "Oh." Jongin opens the box to pull out a cupcake, blinking to make sure she's seeing things right.

"It's a vagina!" Kyungsoo says happily, announcing the obvious.

"Why am I holding a box of vagina cupcakes?"

"I had to make several dozen for a lesbian knitting group and these are the ones left over."

"You're giving me vagina cupcake rejects."

"You don't want them?" Kyungsoo asks, his smile falling. "You haven't even tried them."

Jongin sets the box down, staring at frosting that's molded very realistically like a vagina. It's not the oddest thing that she's ever put her mouth on. She goes right for the frosting, tongue out to swipe through the middle of it.

Jongin completely misses that someone has walked in until she hears a sharp intake of air. She looks over, pulling her frosting covered tongue back into her mouth. Luhan is standing there, mouth open and eyes unblinking.

"I need a minute," Luhan gets out in a rush, just before she turns and walks out of the office.

A blush stains Jongin's cheeks and she feels oddly pleased with Luhan's reaction. Her tummy is all fluttery and she's smiling even as she eats the rest of the cupcake. It's absolutely delicious. Kyungsoo, satisfied with himself, scurries back to work because he'd snuck out during a lull and is probably needed again.

Luhan comes back in when Kyungsoo opens the door and she looks more composed than she had when she left. "I'm sorry," she says. "It's just that I had a dream very similar to that and it took me by surprise."

Jongin goes wide-eyed, licking her lips nervously, "Who was it about?"

Yixing appears from the conference room and steals Luhan before she can answer. Jongin finds herself disappointed as she eats another vagina cupcake. She was hoping for a little more time with Luhan. It's selfish, but she's far less inclined to pull away from Luhan now even if she has more reason to. It's a conundrum.

She sits at her desk, refusing to admit that she's waiting for Luhan to reappear as she works on a few more designs. Her pumpkin, which was coming along quite nicely, is set aside for a fresh sheet. Jongin thinks about how this time next year, she'll have a little person at her side. One she can put a Halloween costume on.

Before she realizes what she's doing, Jongin is staring down at several doodles of babies in alpaca costumes. She eyes them warily before balling the paper up and tossing it in the trash. It's probably better to work on what she's getting paid for. The local fresh produce stand has no need for babies in alpaca costumes on their signs even if they are adorable.

Jongin ends up fishing the doodles out of the trash later and flattening the paper out as best she can. She wedges it in the back of her sketchpad for. . .reasons.

Yixing's apartment is cozy, tucked in a corner far enough away from the main streets that she doesn't have to deal with the noise of bustling traffic and irate pedestrians. Her building is old, made of brick and that gives it a more homey feel. Jongin's always loved Yixing's place. Nothing inside of it matches, and she's amassed a hodgepodge collection of unique furniture and wall decorations. But it all still seems to blend together.

Jongin sinks down on Yixing's bed, the mattress dipping so low on the edge that she feels like she's going to slide right off. In front of her, Yixing is holding up her arms as Luhan zips her into a white top that verges on too tight.

"There," Luhan says when she finishes. "Now he'll have to work for it if he wants to get you naked."

Jongin sees Yixing's resulting frown in the mirror. "I don't want him to work for it. He's got it already."

Jongin fails to hide her laughter, and Luhan sighs dramatically as she helps Yixing out of the top. It had flattered her, but so had all the other outfits she'd tried on. She has a wardrobe that Jongin could pick through for days, but right now, the important part is finding the perfect outfit for her date.

She'd exchanged numbers with the guy she'd been flirting with - his name is Minseok and he opened Love-A-Latte only a few months ago. They've been texting, but now they've taken it up a notch to dating. Yixing is more than ready to flirt her way right out of her carefully chosen outfit. She's only called Luhan and Jongin over to help decide on the perfect one.

Jongin is content to watch as Luhan rifles through Yixing's closet and plays dress-up. It gives her a chance to watch - probably with a grossly fond look on her face - as Luhan devotes all her talents to making Yixing look perfect. Jongin's trying not to be obvious about it, but Yixing catches Jongin's eye in the mirror and smirks knowingly. Jongin scrunches her face at her and resolutely slides off the bed and toward Yixing's walk-in closet.

Luhan ends up beside her, standing in Jongin's personal space as she scans through what's left hanging. Half of the contents are already on the bed, piled up after being vetoed. Jongin leans against Luhan a little, pretending to pay attention to the clothes and not to how nice Luhan feels or how much Jongin wants to press her face to Luhan's neck and stay there.

"What about this one?" Yixing asks. They both turn around to find her in a slinky red dress that has a low drooping back. It would be very simple to take off, or even just push up if she was that impatient. It's also the first thing Yixing had put on before rethinking everything and calling for help.

Luhan sighs and slumps on Jongin, resting her head on Jongin's shoulder. "Why are we even here?" she whispers as Yixing dashes to her bathroom to check if her makeup's still perfect.

"Moral support," Jongin answers. "But I'm not hanging all that up again."

Luhan agrees, managing to squeeze her fingers between Jongin's to hold her hand. Normally, Jongin would pull away, but she doesn't have the energy to fight it. She's addicted to Luhan's touch and the way she makes her feel. It's almost as if Jongin's somewhat normal and nothing else matters.

Yixing reappears moments later, looking as stunning as ever. "Well?"

"Perfect," Luhan and Jongin say in unison.

Lucky for the both of them, Yixing shoos them out after, wanting to tidy up the place for when Minseok shows up. Jongin's seen Yixing date before, but she's never been this crazy over someone. It's adorable and she's happy for her friend.

Luhan refuses to let Jongin wait outside for a bus and insists on driving Jongin home instead. It only makes Jongin want to reach out for her more. She wishes she was free to cast worry aside and do as she wanted, but it's not just about her anymore. Jongin has so much on her plate that it would be unfair to pull Luhan into it.

It doesn't mean that she stops thinking about her though. Luhan has always had such a strong hold over Jongin even back when they'd just met. It had been so easy to fall, easy to forget herself and all the barriers she'd set up around herself to keep from being hurt. Where would they be now if Jongin hadn't run?

Standing in the shower, Jongin lets her mind wander. She's always been so cautious, tip-toeing around how she feels because it's never been important enough to name. No one, aside from Kyungsoo - along with the recent additions of Yixing and Chanyeol - have made a big enough impression in her life to earn the L word.

And yet that's the exact word that flickers through Jongin's mind when she thinks of Luhan.

Love.

Jongin loves Luhan.

Her razor clatters to the floor mid-shave and Jongin freezes. Her throat closes as her heart attempts to climb its way up and she steadies herself with a hand on the wall as the hot water sprays down onto her.

Jongin thinks she's crying and she knows she's overreacting but she's been so emotional lately that reasoning with herself isn't going to do anything. She turns off the water, grabbing her towel to wrap around herself, and leaves wet footprints down to her living room to grab her phone.

"Hey," Kyungsoo answers, some television show playing in the background.

"I'm in love with Luhan," she blurts out. Saying it aloud is almost as terrifying as thinking it and she's doing it while dripping water on her carpet.

On the other end, Kyungsoo laughs. "Well duh," he answers. "Now what are you going to do?"

That was extremely unhelpful and Jongin sinks to the floor, inadvertently wiping the shaving cream on her leg onto the carpet too. "Throw up," she whines.

"That is an unacceptable answer," Kyungsoo replies.

Jongin makes a pitiful noise. "And yet that's what I'm going to do."

"No, you're going to breathe and stop panicking. I'm coming over."

Jongin fumbles to turn off her phone, then lays on her floor, her towel falling open. Love isn't something Jongin does easily. She's too careful for that, too worried about interrupting her safe pattern of living. So realizing that she's let someone in so deep without meaning to is shocking.

She doesn't know what to do.

Everything is terrible because she's three months pregnant and head over heels, irrationally in love with Luhan who doesn't even know she's pregnant. It's not like she can tell Luhan the truth because Jongin's life isn't her own anymore. She has to make her decisions based on what will be best for her child. Pulling Luhan into an already confusing, life altering situation isn't fair to her. Jongin can't tell her. And it hurts.

She's a pathetic lump of human wreckage when Kyungsoo shows up. She opens the door, wiping at her eyes and Kyungsoo folds her in his arms. He knows how hard it's been for Jongin more than anyone. And it means everything to her that he's here now.

PART THREE