Two Roads Diverged : Chapter 7
Title: Two Roads Diverged (7/10)
Author: icedteainthebag
Word Count: 34,420
Rating: MA
Pairings: John Cavil/Ellen Tigh, Ellen Tigh/Saul Tigh, Laura Roslin/Bill Adama
Warnings: Dubcon, physical violence
Summary: Sometimes we make mistakes when we think we're doing the right thing.
Notes: See Chapter One, but specific thanks on this chapter go to somadanne and tjonesy.
Artist: MrsDrJackson
Link to Art: banner can be found here.
x x x x
The siren sounded in the morning at the end of curfew. Ellen awoke with it every day, always irritated that the frakkin' Cylons thought they had the right to tell everybody when to wake up. But this time, its shrill tone exacerbated her pounding headache and she groaned.
Frak, one day I'm gonna quit this.
The feeling of Laura's chest shifting along her back served as a reminder of where she was and how she'd ended up sharing a cot. She felt Laura tighten her arm around her waist, their hips fitting together snugly despite the layers of clothes between them.
She took a deep breath and kept her eyes closed.
It hadn't been nearly as awkward as she'd expected it to be when they slipped into Laura's cot together. There had been no questions. It was what it was and nothing more than that. The two of them needed comfort like they needed air to breathe.
Maybe it was their exhaustion that made it easy to slip into an embrace, a tight hug that lasted until they'd fallen asleep. And sleep she did, for the first time in weeks. She was so weary she hadn't dreamed. Or if she did, she couldn't remember it.
If someone had told Ellen two years earlier that she'd end up in a cot with the ex-President of the Twelve Colonies in a tent on a barely habitable planet, she would have laughed and told them to jump off a frakking cliff.
But when she felt Laura's breath warm on her ear and heard her soft noise upon waking, she realized it made more sense than she'd ever thought it would.
Laura took a deep breath, her chest swelling into Ellen's back, the gentlest of reminders that they were still twined together.
x x x x
Laura wasn't used to waking up in her cot with her nose nuzzled into a mess of blond hair. She grunted as it tickled her nose, then realized exactly whose hair was doing the tickling.
Sleeping with Ellen Tigh. Who'd have predicted this turn of events?
She took a deep breath, Ellen's back pressed into her chest. They were so warm, huddled together under the blankets. Laura tried to open her eyes but decided her hangover would rather they stay shut.
Laura was surprised at the different side of Ellen she'd seen-the less abrasive, more vulnerable side-then again, she'd revealed things to Ellen that she normally wouldn't have revealed to anyone. Laura tried not to let herself feel uneasy about letting her guard down.
It's okay. Things are different down here. I needed that. We both did.
"I should head out soon," Ellen said, though she didn't move. She hadn't realized Ellen was awake. From the sounds of it, she'd had too much to drink the night before as well.
"Do you want some tea? I could scrounge up some breakfast."
She'd forgotten how good it felt to wake up with someone next to her, and what an indulgence it was to have someone around first thing in the morning.
Laura felt Ellen begin to shift, so she pulled her arm away, allowing her space.
What are you going to do?
Laura had resigned herself to the fact that solace, whenever she found it, never lasted for long. She took it for what it was worth, without expectations.
x x x x
Ellen sat up, slipping off of the cot and standing upright. She began to scan the room for her shoes.
"On the mat, next to the stove," Laura said. Ellen turned her head to see Laura sitting up on the edge of the cot, watching her intently. She retrieved her shoes and pulled them on, only half-aware that Laura had stood up and had moved closer to her.
"Are you all right?" Laura asked, touching her arm.
"Yeah," Ellen's mind was racing, guilt and fear swirling inside her. "I just…I'll get him back, there has to be a way. I've been trying so hard. I don't know what else I can do, I just feel so helpless."
"He'll come back."
Ellen looked into her eyes and saw a familiar fear.
You're vulnerable too. You don't ever admit it, but you are.
"So will Bill," Ellen said.
For you. For all of us.
Laura moved her hand from Ellen's arm and shifted her gaze to the ground, her arms crossing over her stomach.
Mentioning him made this all the more real, didn't it?
"He will," Laura murmured with a glance up into Ellen's eyes. "I believe in him."
"Good," Ellen answered. "It's good to believe in something."
Ellen walked to the tent flap and opened it. She glanced back at Laura. "Thank you."
Laura nodded and gave her a half-smile. "Thank you."
The air was cold as Ellen walked up the worn path that led to the detention center. So many people had walked this path by now, mostly under duress. She was walking it willingly.
x x x x
Ellen frakked him again.
This time her fury welled up and spilled past her lips. She called him names. She grunted and hit him and cried out in anger.
He hit her back, across the face, and it shut her up for a shorter time than she expected.
It took everything she had to not wrap her arms around his scrawny motherfrakking neck.
The end, which came not a moment too soon, was punctuated by his grunts and growls that pained her when she heard them.
It always ends like that.
She walked over to her coat and boots, ignoring his chuckles. She looked at her face in the mirror, noting the fresh mark on her lip from his fist.
"And when do I get what I want?"
She always asked him afterward. His answer was always the same.
"I believe that's happening right now."
Except this time, his answer was different.
x x x x
Cavil told Ellen to wait outside for Saul's release. She did, the minutes lasting for what seemed like hours. She ran her fingers through her hair nervously, pacing outside the steel gates.
She tried to convince herself that when Saul saw her, he wouldn't be able to tell that she was still sweaty from having just frakked someone else.
Saul emerged from the detention center and she shouted for him, her body shaking. He was wearing the same clothes as the day he'd left, but he was a changed man in ways she could see, and probably in ways she couldn't.
Those motherfrakkers. Godsdamn them.
She hugged him tightly and he leaned into her. She'd noticed his limp when he'd passed the gates and she felt a swirl of anger. Running her hands along his beard, she wondered what was behind the gauze over his eye, but didn't want to ask.
He leaned into her, using her for support. His weight felt comforting because it was him.
"Sorry I'm leaning on ya," he muttered. "Just need a little help till the leg heals."
She squeezed his hip, an unspoken response.
It's the least I can do.
They arrived back at their tent, a long walk through crowds of people who seemed interested in the change apparent on his face. She clung to his arm, ready to defend him at any moment, casting a glare at anyone who she caught staring at him.
She hadn't been able to protect him then, but she could now.
"Are you okay?" she asked, turning to him, trailing her fingers down his chest.
"Nothin' that can't heal," he grumbled. "Well, except for the vision impairment."
She let a small laugh loose but felt her throat thick with unshed tears. She touched the side of his face near the patch.
"Does it hurt?"
"Never really hurt," he said, looking aside, then back at her with a lopsided grin. "Maybe stung a little."
She cupped his face, his beard soft on her palm, and ran her thumb across his cheek.
"What happened to you in there?" she whispered.
"Aw, Ellen, I don't really wanna talk about any of it."
He turned away from her and made his way to their table, struggling as he kept his weight off of his injured leg.
There's so much we don't know about each other now.
He shed his coat, tossing it on the back of one of the chairs at their makeshift table. He sat down slowly, flinching with a sharp breath.
"Why don't you want to talk about it?"
He let out an exasperated sigh and rolled his head on his shoulders. "I wanna leave it there, back in that frakkin' hellhole. It has no business bein' a part of our lives."
She crossed her arms in front of her chest. "Did they hurt you?"
"They hurt everyone in there, Ellen."
She felt her stomach twist, thinking of how Saul was in the same building, enduring other kinds of pain, while she conducted her negotiations with the Cavil brother.
She walked over to him at the table and he slid his arm around her waist, pressing a kiss into her abdomen.
"But I'm here," he said, looking up at her. "And I'm gonna be fine. We're gonna be fine."
She nodded, trying to smile. "I know."
He kept looking into her eyes. It suddenly felt too intense, like if he hunted hard enough, he'd find out the truth of what she'd done.
"Did they tell you…did they tell you why they let you out?" she asked, gulping down a lump in her throat. Her voice was high and she hoped he wouldn't be able to decipher her nervousness.
"They just said they were finished with me," he said. "I don't know what they frakkin' wanted. Information on the resistance, information on where the Fleet jumped to, they asked all kindsa questions. I didn't tell 'em anything. Man's gotta stick to his guns. Then today, they just let me go like it was nothing."
"Oh, my gods," Ellen breathed, her heartbeat racing. "That's…amazing."
She would never tell him. Never, not in a thousand years, what she'd done.
She pulled his head to her stomach, raking her fingernails over the back of his scalp.
"Gods, I missed you," Saul said.
"You did, huh?" She pulled away and gave him a grin. He chuckled and stood up-she held him firmly as he almost lost his balance. His fingers sifted through the dirty strands of her hair. She blushed at the fact that even in the event of their reunion, she wasn't nearly as beautiful as she wanted to be for him. She felt dirty, used, but gods if it wasn't all worth it. Looking at him now, the adoration she felt...
"I did," he said, his voice wavering. "Every frakkin' day, Ellen."
"I missed you too," she whispered, kissing his palm. "So much."
There had been longer times he'd been gone in the past, but this absence had left her hollow, not knowing where he'd gone or what was being done to him. She wondered if he could see it in her eyes or sense it in the way she moved more tentatively into his embrace.
He bent down to kiss her and she accepted his mouth-it was him, the warm brush of his lips, the soft sound in the back of his throat.
It’s him.
She kissed him harder, easing her hands up the back of his shirt, taut muscles straining under her fingers. She felt rough patches along the expanse of his skin and whimpered at the realization that they were abrasions.
Gods, Saul.
"I wanna touch you," he said, his voice hoarse against her jaw. His mouth traveled to her neck. "Everywhere, all night, and I don't want to stop. I don't want to stop ever again."
She pressed closer to him so he wouldn't see her tears.
"Hold me," she whispered. "Don't let go."
x x x x
Ellen put out the candles and walked up behind him, sliding her arms around his waist.
If it's dark he can't see the marks.
"Hey," she breathed, kissing between his shoulder blades, through the thin cotton of his shirt. She slipped her hand down past his belt to cup him and heard him exhale slowly. She stroked him but didn't feel him getting harder.
It'll take some time.
Saul turned and kissed her. He began to remove her clothes in the near darkness-her eyes adjusted to it, and she felt briefly ashamed at the surprise of finding the square of gauze still covering one of his eyes.
What used to be an eye. Motherfrakkers.
He fumbled with the buttons on her wool coat, his perception still askew, not used to his single-vision sight. She put her hands over his and pulled them away.
"Allow me," she said, biting her lip and smirking as she undid the last few buttons.
She shrugged it off and stood in front of him, still in the dress from...
Don't think about that.
She wanted to be completely naked in front of him, only for him. She slid the shoulder straps down and the dress fell to her feet.
He looked at her body from head to toe before he touched her bare skin with the lightest, most reverent touch she could have imagined.
"Ellen," he breathed, his hands sliding along her sides as she removed her bra. He slid his hands into the back of her underwear and worked it down her legs. She shivered, goose bumps covering her skin. His mouth covered her breast and she arched her back to him, pulling his head closer and moaning softly at the light touch of his teeth to her nipple.
He feels so good...better than he's ever felt.
She tugged his shirt up over his head, desperate to feel his skin on hers. She pressed her breasts against Saul's chest and pulled his head down to kiss him hard, walking slowly backward.
He followed her lead, his hands traveling over her back. She whimpered into his mouth and the back of her legs hit the cot.
Oh gods, he's going to know...he's going to know as soon as he puts his mouth…
"In me.” She grabbed his belt buckle. "Now."
She undid the belt and used her hands and feet to shove his pants down. He hooked his thumbs into his boxers and pushed them down his thighs.
He groaned as her hand slid up his length-she circled him with her fingers, and feeling him still semi-hard, she began to stroke him more firmly.
Too long, it's been too long…
"What's…the rush," he gasped. "Haven't seen you in…frak, woman, a long time…"
She ignored him, not wanting to acknowledge that she was avoiding the swirling feelings of panic and anxiety in her stomach. She wanted him inside her, wanted to feel him, only him.
She felt him getting harder in her hand at long last. It had never been a problem for him before, but things were different now for her. Maybe they were for him too.
"You're so hard," she whispered against his open mouth, encouraging him. She felt heat searing through her at the groan he emitted at her touch. "Is this how much you missed me?"
Stay with me, Saul, and I'll stay with you.
She sat down on the cot behind them and stretched her body out on the blanket. She felt a warm blush across her cheeks. She didn't know why she was embarrassed. This was something she'd done uncountable times before with him, teasing him with the temptation of her body, showing him how much he turned her on.
She didn't want it to be different now. It couldn't be. He didn't deserve that.
"My gods," he breathed. He ran his hand over her bent knee, down the inside of her thigh. She shivered. "You're so frakkin' beautiful."
She smiled at the flutter it caused in her belly to hear those words from him, even after so many years. "C'mere," she beckoned, tugging on his hand. "Please."
He knelt at the side of the cot instead and pulled her leg aside, giving her a salacious grin. "Since when do we get to the main event without an opening act?"
Oh, gods, you can't…
"No," she said, then took a deep breath, feeling tears prickle her eyes. "Please, I just want you inside me. It's been so long. And I just…"
You can't.
"Okay. " A note of disappointment was evident in his voice. Guilt fluttered in her abdomen as beckoned him upward. He followed her lead, settling between her legs. She reached between them-just do it, just do it-and directed him inside her, her breathing ragged. She embraced him, her legs hooked around his waist.
You can do this. Do this for him.
He slid into her and he felt like Saul and sounded like him too, with his gravelly groan and the brush of his nose across her neck.
She shuddered. She couldn't help it. He began moving inside her, their bodies pressed together, and she began to feel panic rise within her almost immediately.
I want this so badly. Just let me have this. Please, gods, just let me have this.
"Look up at me," she hissed. "Look me in the eyes."
He listened to her, kissing her mouth hard, his tongue slipping between her lips. She kept her eyes open, and his face…
…damn them and what they did, frakking monsters, they took a piece of each of us, and we’ll never get them back…
"Frak," she cried out, squeezing her eyes shut. Her heel hit his back with a thud. "Gods...son of a bitch."
She felt Saul pull away. "Ellen?"
She took a sharp breath, anger swelling within her. "I can't...I'm sorry, I'm tired, and I'm not sure I can…"
Did he take this away from you too?
She tried not to cry, straining to keep her tears inside. Her pulse was pounding in her ears. She met his gaze, letting the concern in his expression ground her, reminding her who was here and who was not. Her breathing evened out as he stroked her hip.
"It's okay, Ellen. Relax," he whispered.
She nodded, giving him a small smile. She wondered if he could see the fear in her eyes.
"I love you," he murmured, pressing his forehead to hers and kissing her nose.
She slid her arms around his neck, pulling him closer, the weight of his naked body comforting and settling her. She took long, deep breaths as he kissed all around her face.
"I love you, too." She stroked the back of his head, its short hairs smooth under her fingers. "I love you so much. I missed you so much. Every day. Every minute. I was always thinking of you, Saul."
Every time he touched me I pretended it was you.
He turned on his side and pulled her to him, tugging at the heavy blanket that had slumped off of the cot. He covered them, tucking it around her body.
"I think we need some rest," he said. "I haven't slept in weeks. Never can sleep well without you next to me."
She sniffled and smiled at him, running her toes along his calf. "Well, I'm here."
He sighed deeply and held her close.
She slept just as well in his arms as in Laura's the night before.
Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10
Author: icedteainthebag
Word Count: 34,420
Rating: MA
Pairings: John Cavil/Ellen Tigh, Ellen Tigh/Saul Tigh, Laura Roslin/Bill Adama
Warnings: Dubcon, physical violence
Summary: Sometimes we make mistakes when we think we're doing the right thing.
Notes: See Chapter One, but specific thanks on this chapter go to somadanne and tjonesy.
Artist: MrsDrJackson
Link to Art: banner can be found here.
x x x x
The siren sounded in the morning at the end of curfew. Ellen awoke with it every day, always irritated that the frakkin' Cylons thought they had the right to tell everybody when to wake up. But this time, its shrill tone exacerbated her pounding headache and she groaned.
Frak, one day I'm gonna quit this.
The feeling of Laura's chest shifting along her back served as a reminder of where she was and how she'd ended up sharing a cot. She felt Laura tighten her arm around her waist, their hips fitting together snugly despite the layers of clothes between them.
She took a deep breath and kept her eyes closed.
It hadn't been nearly as awkward as she'd expected it to be when they slipped into Laura's cot together. There had been no questions. It was what it was and nothing more than that. The two of them needed comfort like they needed air to breathe.
Maybe it was their exhaustion that made it easy to slip into an embrace, a tight hug that lasted until they'd fallen asleep. And sleep she did, for the first time in weeks. She was so weary she hadn't dreamed. Or if she did, she couldn't remember it.
If someone had told Ellen two years earlier that she'd end up in a cot with the ex-President of the Twelve Colonies in a tent on a barely habitable planet, she would have laughed and told them to jump off a frakking cliff.
But when she felt Laura's breath warm on her ear and heard her soft noise upon waking, she realized it made more sense than she'd ever thought it would.
Laura took a deep breath, her chest swelling into Ellen's back, the gentlest of reminders that they were still twined together.
x x x x
Laura wasn't used to waking up in her cot with her nose nuzzled into a mess of blond hair. She grunted as it tickled her nose, then realized exactly whose hair was doing the tickling.
Sleeping with Ellen Tigh. Who'd have predicted this turn of events?
She took a deep breath, Ellen's back pressed into her chest. They were so warm, huddled together under the blankets. Laura tried to open her eyes but decided her hangover would rather they stay shut.
Laura was surprised at the different side of Ellen she'd seen-the less abrasive, more vulnerable side-then again, she'd revealed things to Ellen that she normally wouldn't have revealed to anyone. Laura tried not to let herself feel uneasy about letting her guard down.
It's okay. Things are different down here. I needed that. We both did.
"I should head out soon," Ellen said, though she didn't move. She hadn't realized Ellen was awake. From the sounds of it, she'd had too much to drink the night before as well.
"Do you want some tea? I could scrounge up some breakfast."
She'd forgotten how good it felt to wake up with someone next to her, and what an indulgence it was to have someone around first thing in the morning.
Laura felt Ellen begin to shift, so she pulled her arm away, allowing her space.
What are you going to do?
Laura had resigned herself to the fact that solace, whenever she found it, never lasted for long. She took it for what it was worth, without expectations.
x x x x
Ellen sat up, slipping off of the cot and standing upright. She began to scan the room for her shoes.
"On the mat, next to the stove," Laura said. Ellen turned her head to see Laura sitting up on the edge of the cot, watching her intently. She retrieved her shoes and pulled them on, only half-aware that Laura had stood up and had moved closer to her.
"Are you all right?" Laura asked, touching her arm.
"Yeah," Ellen's mind was racing, guilt and fear swirling inside her. "I just…I'll get him back, there has to be a way. I've been trying so hard. I don't know what else I can do, I just feel so helpless."
"He'll come back."
Ellen looked into her eyes and saw a familiar fear.
You're vulnerable too. You don't ever admit it, but you are.
"So will Bill," Ellen said.
For you. For all of us.
Laura moved her hand from Ellen's arm and shifted her gaze to the ground, her arms crossing over her stomach.
Mentioning him made this all the more real, didn't it?
"He will," Laura murmured with a glance up into Ellen's eyes. "I believe in him."
"Good," Ellen answered. "It's good to believe in something."
Ellen walked to the tent flap and opened it. She glanced back at Laura. "Thank you."
Laura nodded and gave her a half-smile. "Thank you."
The air was cold as Ellen walked up the worn path that led to the detention center. So many people had walked this path by now, mostly under duress. She was walking it willingly.
x x x x
Ellen frakked him again.
This time her fury welled up and spilled past her lips. She called him names. She grunted and hit him and cried out in anger.
He hit her back, across the face, and it shut her up for a shorter time than she expected.
It took everything she had to not wrap her arms around his scrawny motherfrakking neck.
The end, which came not a moment too soon, was punctuated by his grunts and growls that pained her when she heard them.
It always ends like that.
She walked over to her coat and boots, ignoring his chuckles. She looked at her face in the mirror, noting the fresh mark on her lip from his fist.
"And when do I get what I want?"
She always asked him afterward. His answer was always the same.
"I believe that's happening right now."
Except this time, his answer was different.
x x x x
Cavil told Ellen to wait outside for Saul's release. She did, the minutes lasting for what seemed like hours. She ran her fingers through her hair nervously, pacing outside the steel gates.
She tried to convince herself that when Saul saw her, he wouldn't be able to tell that she was still sweaty from having just frakked someone else.
Saul emerged from the detention center and she shouted for him, her body shaking. He was wearing the same clothes as the day he'd left, but he was a changed man in ways she could see, and probably in ways she couldn't.
Those motherfrakkers. Godsdamn them.
She hugged him tightly and he leaned into her. She'd noticed his limp when he'd passed the gates and she felt a swirl of anger. Running her hands along his beard, she wondered what was behind the gauze over his eye, but didn't want to ask.
He leaned into her, using her for support. His weight felt comforting because it was him.
"Sorry I'm leaning on ya," he muttered. "Just need a little help till the leg heals."
She squeezed his hip, an unspoken response.
It's the least I can do.
They arrived back at their tent, a long walk through crowds of people who seemed interested in the change apparent on his face. She clung to his arm, ready to defend him at any moment, casting a glare at anyone who she caught staring at him.
She hadn't been able to protect him then, but she could now.
"Are you okay?" she asked, turning to him, trailing her fingers down his chest.
"Nothin' that can't heal," he grumbled. "Well, except for the vision impairment."
She let a small laugh loose but felt her throat thick with unshed tears. She touched the side of his face near the patch.
"Does it hurt?"
"Never really hurt," he said, looking aside, then back at her with a lopsided grin. "Maybe stung a little."
She cupped his face, his beard soft on her palm, and ran her thumb across his cheek.
"What happened to you in there?" she whispered.
"Aw, Ellen, I don't really wanna talk about any of it."
He turned away from her and made his way to their table, struggling as he kept his weight off of his injured leg.
There's so much we don't know about each other now.
He shed his coat, tossing it on the back of one of the chairs at their makeshift table. He sat down slowly, flinching with a sharp breath.
"Why don't you want to talk about it?"
He let out an exasperated sigh and rolled his head on his shoulders. "I wanna leave it there, back in that frakkin' hellhole. It has no business bein' a part of our lives."
She crossed her arms in front of her chest. "Did they hurt you?"
"They hurt everyone in there, Ellen."
She felt her stomach twist, thinking of how Saul was in the same building, enduring other kinds of pain, while she conducted her negotiations with the Cavil brother.
She walked over to him at the table and he slid his arm around her waist, pressing a kiss into her abdomen.
"But I'm here," he said, looking up at her. "And I'm gonna be fine. We're gonna be fine."
She nodded, trying to smile. "I know."
He kept looking into her eyes. It suddenly felt too intense, like if he hunted hard enough, he'd find out the truth of what she'd done.
"Did they tell you…did they tell you why they let you out?" she asked, gulping down a lump in her throat. Her voice was high and she hoped he wouldn't be able to decipher her nervousness.
"They just said they were finished with me," he said. "I don't know what they frakkin' wanted. Information on the resistance, information on where the Fleet jumped to, they asked all kindsa questions. I didn't tell 'em anything. Man's gotta stick to his guns. Then today, they just let me go like it was nothing."
"Oh, my gods," Ellen breathed, her heartbeat racing. "That's…amazing."
She would never tell him. Never, not in a thousand years, what she'd done.
She pulled his head to her stomach, raking her fingernails over the back of his scalp.
"Gods, I missed you," Saul said.
"You did, huh?" She pulled away and gave him a grin. He chuckled and stood up-she held him firmly as he almost lost his balance. His fingers sifted through the dirty strands of her hair. She blushed at the fact that even in the event of their reunion, she wasn't nearly as beautiful as she wanted to be for him. She felt dirty, used, but gods if it wasn't all worth it. Looking at him now, the adoration she felt...
"I did," he said, his voice wavering. "Every frakkin' day, Ellen."
"I missed you too," she whispered, kissing his palm. "So much."
There had been longer times he'd been gone in the past, but this absence had left her hollow, not knowing where he'd gone or what was being done to him. She wondered if he could see it in her eyes or sense it in the way she moved more tentatively into his embrace.
He bent down to kiss her and she accepted his mouth-it was him, the warm brush of his lips, the soft sound in the back of his throat.
It’s him.
She kissed him harder, easing her hands up the back of his shirt, taut muscles straining under her fingers. She felt rough patches along the expanse of his skin and whimpered at the realization that they were abrasions.
Gods, Saul.
"I wanna touch you," he said, his voice hoarse against her jaw. His mouth traveled to her neck. "Everywhere, all night, and I don't want to stop. I don't want to stop ever again."
She pressed closer to him so he wouldn't see her tears.
"Hold me," she whispered. "Don't let go."
x x x x
Ellen put out the candles and walked up behind him, sliding her arms around his waist.
If it's dark he can't see the marks.
"Hey," she breathed, kissing between his shoulder blades, through the thin cotton of his shirt. She slipped her hand down past his belt to cup him and heard him exhale slowly. She stroked him but didn't feel him getting harder.
It'll take some time.
Saul turned and kissed her. He began to remove her clothes in the near darkness-her eyes adjusted to it, and she felt briefly ashamed at the surprise of finding the square of gauze still covering one of his eyes.
What used to be an eye. Motherfrakkers.
He fumbled with the buttons on her wool coat, his perception still askew, not used to his single-vision sight. She put her hands over his and pulled them away.
"Allow me," she said, biting her lip and smirking as she undid the last few buttons.
She shrugged it off and stood in front of him, still in the dress from...
Don't think about that.
She wanted to be completely naked in front of him, only for him. She slid the shoulder straps down and the dress fell to her feet.
He looked at her body from head to toe before he touched her bare skin with the lightest, most reverent touch she could have imagined.
"Ellen," he breathed, his hands sliding along her sides as she removed her bra. He slid his hands into the back of her underwear and worked it down her legs. She shivered, goose bumps covering her skin. His mouth covered her breast and she arched her back to him, pulling his head closer and moaning softly at the light touch of his teeth to her nipple.
He feels so good...better than he's ever felt.
She tugged his shirt up over his head, desperate to feel his skin on hers. She pressed her breasts against Saul's chest and pulled his head down to kiss him hard, walking slowly backward.
He followed her lead, his hands traveling over her back. She whimpered into his mouth and the back of her legs hit the cot.
Oh gods, he's going to know...he's going to know as soon as he puts his mouth…
"In me.” She grabbed his belt buckle. "Now."
She undid the belt and used her hands and feet to shove his pants down. He hooked his thumbs into his boxers and pushed them down his thighs.
He groaned as her hand slid up his length-she circled him with her fingers, and feeling him still semi-hard, she began to stroke him more firmly.
Too long, it's been too long…
"What's…the rush," he gasped. "Haven't seen you in…frak, woman, a long time…"
She ignored him, not wanting to acknowledge that she was avoiding the swirling feelings of panic and anxiety in her stomach. She wanted him inside her, wanted to feel him, only him.
She felt him getting harder in her hand at long last. It had never been a problem for him before, but things were different now for her. Maybe they were for him too.
"You're so hard," she whispered against his open mouth, encouraging him. She felt heat searing through her at the groan he emitted at her touch. "Is this how much you missed me?"
Stay with me, Saul, and I'll stay with you.
She sat down on the cot behind them and stretched her body out on the blanket. She felt a warm blush across her cheeks. She didn't know why she was embarrassed. This was something she'd done uncountable times before with him, teasing him with the temptation of her body, showing him how much he turned her on.
She didn't want it to be different now. It couldn't be. He didn't deserve that.
"My gods," he breathed. He ran his hand over her bent knee, down the inside of her thigh. She shivered. "You're so frakkin' beautiful."
She smiled at the flutter it caused in her belly to hear those words from him, even after so many years. "C'mere," she beckoned, tugging on his hand. "Please."
He knelt at the side of the cot instead and pulled her leg aside, giving her a salacious grin. "Since when do we get to the main event without an opening act?"
Oh, gods, you can't…
"No," she said, then took a deep breath, feeling tears prickle her eyes. "Please, I just want you inside me. It's been so long. And I just…"
You can't.
"Okay. " A note of disappointment was evident in his voice. Guilt fluttered in her abdomen as beckoned him upward. He followed her lead, settling between her legs. She reached between them-just do it, just do it-and directed him inside her, her breathing ragged. She embraced him, her legs hooked around his waist.
You can do this. Do this for him.
He slid into her and he felt like Saul and sounded like him too, with his gravelly groan and the brush of his nose across her neck.
She shuddered. She couldn't help it. He began moving inside her, their bodies pressed together, and she began to feel panic rise within her almost immediately.
I want this so badly. Just let me have this. Please, gods, just let me have this.
"Look up at me," she hissed. "Look me in the eyes."
He listened to her, kissing her mouth hard, his tongue slipping between her lips. She kept her eyes open, and his face…
…damn them and what they did, frakking monsters, they took a piece of each of us, and we’ll never get them back…
"Frak," she cried out, squeezing her eyes shut. Her heel hit his back with a thud. "Gods...son of a bitch."
She felt Saul pull away. "Ellen?"
She took a sharp breath, anger swelling within her. "I can't...I'm sorry, I'm tired, and I'm not sure I can…"
Did he take this away from you too?
She tried not to cry, straining to keep her tears inside. Her pulse was pounding in her ears. She met his gaze, letting the concern in his expression ground her, reminding her who was here and who was not. Her breathing evened out as he stroked her hip.
"It's okay, Ellen. Relax," he whispered.
She nodded, giving him a small smile. She wondered if he could see the fear in her eyes.
"I love you," he murmured, pressing his forehead to hers and kissing her nose.
She slid her arms around his neck, pulling him closer, the weight of his naked body comforting and settling her. She took long, deep breaths as he kissed all around her face.
"I love you, too." She stroked the back of his head, its short hairs smooth under her fingers. "I love you so much. I missed you so much. Every day. Every minute. I was always thinking of you, Saul."
Every time he touched me I pretended it was you.
He turned on his side and pulled her to him, tugging at the heavy blanket that had slumped off of the cot. He covered them, tucking it around her body.
"I think we need some rest," he said. "I haven't slept in weeks. Never can sleep well without you next to me."
She sniffled and smiled at him, running her toes along his calf. "Well, I'm here."
He sighed deeply and held her close.
She slept just as well in his arms as in Laura's the night before.
Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10