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[thisfleshisart]

this morning she was in my dreams - it was renn fayre, but (as w/ all dreams) things weren't quite right... i was working w/ the meat smoke crew to help serve the feast, but this time the feast was happening right after thesis parade. i was standing @ this table serving drunken revelers & out of my peripheral vision i saw her walking towards me,

Comments

[volatile_vixen]

Your dream reminds me of one my mom had after her father died, wherein he came to visit her in our house. He hugged her and told her, "I'm okay and heaven's great! You get to eat all the Haagen Dazs you want here!", which is exactly like something my grandfather would've said.

You know she's still here with you, right? Knowing Becca, she wouldn't leave you to fight this alone.

[thisfleshisart]

i still feel her near me, no doubt, but its hard to be satisfied w/ just that feeling - i'm greedy, i want her here, w/ me, in the flesh like she was... that dream just fucked w/ me b/c it was so vivid & i felt so relieved, i was really ready to have that be my reality, however all the rest of this had to be explained away wouldn't have mattered if that could have been real.

i know she didn't leave me, i know i'll always be able to sense her, & i know in my heart she & i hadn't finished all our lessons together so we'll end up together again in some other situation, i'm just extremely lousy @ dealing w/ delayed gratification...

[volatile_vixen]

I'm glad, at least, that you realize it. It's strange, but it's almost like I can sense her sometimes. Like, when I get really upset about it (cause sometimes I forget and just figure that she's there in Portland, with you), it's like a picture of her instantly pops into my mind where's she's just smiling at me, letting me know it's all okay.
I know this is stupid, and that I, of all people, shouldn't be affected so strongly by her death. But I really, really like Becca; and when she died, I was so caught off guard and shocked, I had to take several days off from work. It was just this intense feeling of disbelief; like if I close my eyes long enough, I'll realize this was all some morbid story I made up in my head. And that feeling is still there. And then I feel guilty, because I realize no matter how much I feel this way, you must be feeling it about 1000 times more.