i feel like writing a little, but i'm @ a loss as to where to begin journal entries anymore - everything is a running line in my head these days, i guess its just whatever verses & refrains i feel i need to transcribe ( Read more... )

today makes 4 weeks. a month. its ominous & irrelevant all @ once - time has just gone to shit along w/ the rest of things, my perception is so distorted by everything is just off in a really fundamental way ( Read more... )

i'm emotionally exhausted from seeing my shrink (i'm on 2 kinds of pills now, o joyous day), i'm physically fried from today being my first day on the rag, & i'm mentally all stirred up over the impending reality of the move & sorting through everything, & the beer i'm drinking isn't doing a god damned lick of good ( Read more... )

i just did a bunch of mundane shit, & somehow it seems to have sneakily let in another wretched layer of reality. its not that i've never sat down & paid our full month's bills before (the last time becca lent me $ that was part of how i paid her back) but i've never sat wondering how/if i can transfer the elec account from her name to mine. i've ( Read more... )

so this week was my first attempt @ reintroducing myself to the "real world". i'll give it an "f" for effort... out of 5 days of work i completed 3 of them, my second day back i lost it out of the blue less than half an hour before my shift was scheduled to end & had to run away, & friday i crumbled during my lunch break & couldn't reign the ( Read more... )

i'm here @ her house in sf right now, sitting w/ the feelings, trying to absorb w/out getting lost, & having a mixed time of it. some moments i find myself much closer to peace & the ability to perceive beauty & magic in the world again than i expected to be @ this point, & other moments i find myself crumbling & collapsing under the inescapable ( Read more... )

time is passing & the world keeps moving around me, whether i like it or not ( Read more... )

i wish i knew where my head or my heart was right now. yesterday (or day before? time doesn't mean much right now) i tried to write about the viewing & the wake & couldn't finish it - last night my mom & i came back here to the house & cleaned & cleared some space energetically & i got a chance to feel & fall apart in that unique emotional safe ( Read more... )

i just talked to becca's dad & there will be a viewing tomorrow (november 14th) at 11am at the omega crematorium at 223 se 122nd ave in portland ( Read more... )

i never thought i'd have to say this, i'd prayed i never would, but here it is.

yesterday morning becca died. ( if you need details/info re: cod, they're in here )