All At Once (ii/iii)
part one |
(ii)
.thought
Work is fine. ‘Fun,’ however, would be pushing it, since filing papers and answering phone calls isn’t exactly a thrilling job, but at least it’s a paying job, and right now that’s all Jongdae needs. He still looks for open jobs on his free time, using his phone instead of the company’s computer because he isn’t that rude, but for now, this is good enough. Jongdae is content, which is something he hasn’t felt in a while.
Baekhyun catches up with him after work, too caught up the rest of the day to drop by.
“How was it?” he asks every. Single. Time. For the past week. Jongdae appreciate the attention and concern on his friend’s behalf, but he’s starting to wonder how pathetic he must look in Baekhyun’s eyes for the older to ask so often.
“Fine,” Jongdae answers every time as well, refraining from rolling his eyes. After all, Baekhyun’s just being a good - albeit overbearing - friend.
“Want to grab dinner?” Baekhyun asks, bumping their shoulders together. Jongdae can’t help but snort and bump Baekhyun back, ignoring the grin on the other’s face as he does.
“What, not busy with your CEO boyfriend?” Jongdae teases, grinning at his friend’s red-tipped ears.
“He’s not the CEO - yet,” Baekhyun hums, smirking as Jongdae really does roll his eyes this time. “But he’s having dinner with his parents today, so I’m all yours tonight.”
“Gross,” Jongdae says, voice monotone.
“Shut up,” Baekhyun laughs, slugging Jongdae in the arm.
“Are you going to pay?” Jongdae asks, chuckling as Baekhyun just lets out a breath of defeat and drags Jongdae by the arm to the diner nearby. He assumes that means yes.
They get a seat by the window, Jongdae thankful for the distraction in case Baekhyun decides to interrogate him, as he enjoys doing whenever they’re eating together and Baekhyun’s paying. Jongdae’s pretty sure it’s bribery, but then again, he’s not exactly denying the older either. “I was thinking we should do something fun this weekend,” Baekhyun says as he skims over the menu. “You know, to celebrate your new job at the office.”
“Baekhyun, I’m just an intern,” Jongdae snorts. “There’s not much to celebrate.”
“Of course there is,” Baekhyun brushes the comment off easily. “Everything’s worth a celebration. You have a job now, that’s great.”
“Mhm.”
“I mean it.”
“I know you do,” Jongdae sighs, averting his gaze to the streets outside. The best thing about working downtown is that there’s always people around, a reminder that there’s life outside of your own. Jongdae finds it comforting, allowing himself to stay grounded in this fact. “But I really don’t want to celebrate this, Baekhyun.”
Baekhyun opens his mouth to reply - or object, Jongdae’s not sure - when they’re interrupted by someone. The voice sounds familiar, and Jongdae’s almost too shocked to even process the face he finds himself staring at.
“Minseok?”
Jongdae ignores the look on Baekhyun’s face as he continues to stare at Minseok with a mixture of surprise and confusion.
“I thought it was you,” Minseok replies, voice still as calm and quiet as ever. It reminds Jongdae of Yixing, and his lips quirk downwards at that. “I had to come over to make sure. It’s been a while, huh?”
Baekhyun mutters something under his breath, but luckily Minseok doesn’t seem to hear it.
“Yeah, a while,” Jongdae echoes, unsure of what else to say. Would eight years sound like too much?
Minseok finally seems to notice Baekhyun, glancing at him once before turning to Jongdae. “So, uh, how have you been?”
“Good, I guess,” Jongdae replies, more for the sake of formality than out of honesty. The truth would be too convoluted to put into a sentence, much less a one-word reply. “You?”
“Okay,” Minseok answers with a half-smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes. Jongdae wonders when was the last time it ever did, actually. Jongdae has a lot of questions actually, some about Minseok’s smile and others about Chanyeol’s, but he keeps them at bay. It wouldn’t be fair to either of them to unleash them all at their first meeting in so long.
He settles on one question for now. “So what are you doing here? In Seoul, I mean. I heard you moved to Mokpo after...” he trails off, unsure of how to continue because he’s not sure if Chanyeol is an appropriate conversation topic quite yet.
Minseok shrugs. “Chanyeol found a new treatment center, and I got a job here.” Jongdae nods, unsure of what to say next. Minseok hesitates for a moment, glancing at his phone then back at Jongdae before saying, “Hey, could we maybe meet up some time?”
Jongdae blinks, taken back by the bluntness. “We’re meeting right now.”
Minseok laughs a little at that, but it sounds empty and the sound leaves Jongdae feeling a little cold. “I meant alone, some other day. I have to go now, but I really would like to talk.” There’s a hopeful look in his eye and Jongdae finds himself still unable to say no to the older man.
“Sure,” he finally answers, ignoring the look of incredulity on Baekhyun’s face as he exchanges numbers with his old friend. Minseok excuses himself afterwards with a promise of meeting later next week, and Jongdae watches him go, not sure what to make of his feelings at the moment.
“What was that?” Baekhyun asks once Minseok leaves.
“Minseok. You know about him,” Jongdae says, trying to act nonchalant as he waves a server over.
“Yes, I know about him,” Baekhyun snaps, and Jongdae sighs. He should’ve known Baekhyun would react this way. “What I want to know is why you acted so damn polite to him when he left you eight damn years ago and never looked back.”
“Baekhyun,” Jongdae says, voice low in a warning that says he doesn’t want to talk about this here and now. The server comes, and Baekhyun’s forced to behave for a minute as they take their orders. But the moment the waiter is out of earshot, Baekhyun is back on his toes.
“Why did you agree to meet up with that bastard?” Baekhyun repeats, tone demanding an answer.
“Because he was my best friend,” Jongdae replies, voice sharper than he intended but he hates how Baekhyun’s backing him into a corner.
“Was. He left you for that crazy-”
Jongdae slams his fist on the table, which causes some people to look their way. Baekhyun, however, is not disturbed; his eyebrows are still creased in anger and frustration, fists clenched too. “He’s sick.”
“In the head,” Baekhyun finishes for him. “I know, and I’m sorry,” he admits. “But that doesn’t make what Minseok did excusable.”
“He was our best friend.”
“Do you even hear yourself talk?” Baekhyun demands.
“Do you?” Jongdae challenges, impatient. He just wanted a relaxed dinner with his friend, and this is what he gets instead. Perhaps karma does exist.
“Yes, and it sounds like shit, actually. You’re defending him for abandoning you-”
“Our best friend had his heart broken,” Jongdae interjects, frustrated that Baekhyun doesn’t understand. How can anyone understand how damaging it is to learn your girlfriend of five years has been cheating on you with your own brother?
“And so, what? You had to be next?” Baekhyun hisses, and Jongdae glares at him.
“I don’t care-”
“Bullshit. You lost everything to him, to them. You can’t meet him,” Baekhyun says, voice stern.
“You can’t tell me what to do.” Jongdae scowls. Who does Baekhyun think he is, telling him what to do? Jongdae isn’t a child anymore, hasn’t been one in a long time either, even before he turned of age.
“I’ll tell Jongin.”
“Go ahead. He only knows Minseok as my best friend in high school. He’d probably be thrilled to know I’m actually doing something social with someone besides you, actually,” Jongdae replies dryly.
“You’re really amazing, aren’t you?” Baekhyun scoffs, almost disgusted. Jongdae’s cold expression falters at his friend’s words, but he catches himself before he can react. Now’s not the time for emotions, not any real ones at least.
“I am,” Jongdae answers instead. “Now drop it. It’s really none of your business anyway.”
Baekhyun drops his fork at that, and the clang of metal against metal sends shivers down Jongdae’s back. His jaw is dropped, and for a moment he looks like he’s about to punch Jongdae and walk out of there. Jongdae watches, fully expecting it to happen - and even thinking he deserves it - when instead, Baekhyun just sits up straighter and clears his throat.
“Fuck you,” is all he says before he turns to the dessert menu on the side, ignoring Jongdae after that.
Jongdae doesn’t blame him. He felt guilty the moment he read Baekhyun’s expression. Baekhyun only meant well, and Jongdae just shut him down as if they aren’t best friends, as if Baekhyun doesn’t care about Jongdae even more than Jongdae does himself.
At this rate, he thinks a little painfully, he’ll lose another best friend, but this time it’ll be his fault and his fault only.
-
As an apology for snapping at Baekhyun that night, Jongdae tries to make it up to him by going along with Baekhyun’s celebration and even offering to help plan it. He has a place in mind, actually.
“It’s a karaoke place,” he starts weakly, still wary from their last dinner where they parted ways coldly, Baekhyun not saying a single word except a curt ‘bye’ that night. “I know how much you like to sing.”
Baekhyun glances at him out of the corner of his eye, and Jongdae swallows. It’s quiet for a moment, and Jongdae wonders if Baekhyun is really that mad at him. He’s about to speak again when Baekhyun asks, voice loud compared to Jongdae previously, “Will they have Gee?”
Jongdae lets out a breath of relief as Baekhyun breaks out into a smile.
-
“I’ve never been to a karaoke place,” Jongin muses as he and Jongdae walk together the following Friday night. Jongin, once told of Jongdae’s plans, jumped at the chance to tag along, and Jongdae didn’t see the harm in taking his brother; after all, it’d be weird just celebrating with Baekhyun at the karaoke bar.
“Yeah, you’ve never been much of a singer, have you?” Jongdae teases, laughing as he remembers the one time he and Jongin were chosen to sing at their friend’s wedding for fun. Jongin sang one line before he turned tomato red, and Jongdae ended up finishing the song, laughing as Jongin hid his face behind his hands.
“We can’t all have the voice of an angel,” Jongin drawls, smirking as Jongdae shoves him lightly. “What made you want to do karaoke anyway?”
“I thought Baekhyun would like it,” Jongdae replies coolly. It’s true, but it isn’t the entire truth; a worker named Junmyeon may or may not be the rest of the reason.
“Baekhyun would’ve liked anything you suggest,” Jongin laughs, and Jongdae can’t argue with that. Instead, he just smiles and opens the door open for Jongin, entering and heading straight for the counter, hoping to see a familiar face.
Disappointment settles in like an old friend when a new face comes to the front. “Hi, how may I help you?” the man asks, smiling as Jongdae asks for a room.
“Sure, it’ll just take a moment. I’ll go see if we have any available right now.” The man leaves to check, and Jongdae leans against the counter, letting out a breath. He glances around when he hears the door open behind him.
“Has someone already helped you?” a familiar voice asks, and Jongdae turns around, a smile already making its way on his face when he sees Junmyeon, mouth shaped in an ‘o’ as he recognizes him.
“Hey,” Junmyeon says, smile starting to settle in his features. “You finally came back. And with a friend.”
“Yeah, this is Jongin,” Jongdae answers, gesturing to the younger beside him on his phone. Jongin looks up to smile and wave.
“Hi,” Jongin greets. “You know my brother?” Jongin is smiling, and Jongdae already feels uneasy at that look on his face. Jongin is more conniving than he seems, a trait Jongdae is both scared and proud of.
“Brother...?” Junmyeon asks, smile faltering in confusion as he looks between Jongin and Jongdae the way most do when they first hear about them.
Jongdae nods, and Junmyeon doesn’t question it. Not that Jongdae would’ve mind, though, as he hears it all of the time: you guys don’t look alike, how can you be brothers?
“I’ll go get you guys a room then,” Junmyeon says, but the other man who helped Jongdae earlier comes right on time.
“I got it,” the man says, patting Junmyeon on the shoulder before turning to Jongdae. “Room Five is available. I can show you to it.”
Jongdae turns to Jongin. “Hey, can you go get it set up?” he asks. “I’ll wait out here for Baekhyun.”
Jongin raises an eyebrow, but Jongdae just gives him the later look. Luckily, Jongin doesn’t question it as he follows the man, leaving Jongdae in the lobby.
“You didn’t tell me Kyungsoo already helped you,” Junmyeon says, and Jongdae turns to him and he isn’t even fazed by the smile on his face.
“It slipped my mind,” Jongdae admits with a sheepish grin.
Junmyeon laughs. “Alright. Well, who’re you waiting for?”
“My friend, Baekhyun. He’s kind of the reason I’m here.”
“Ouch, I’m hurt.” Junmyeon mocks injury, placing his hand on his chest. “Here I thought you came for me.”
Jongdae snorts, rolling his eyes as he replies, “Don’t flatter yourself,” but his smile gives him away.
“You almost had me fooled; I thought you cared about me,” Junmyeon continues, looking away in such a dramatic manner that it has Jongdae chuckling.
“You’re really good at this self-pity thing,” Jongdae remarks. “Makes me wonder if you’re really faking it or not?”
Junmyeon lets out a bark of laughter. “Wow, that was a low blow.”
“You were asking for it,” Jongdae snickers.
“Was I?”
“You were.”
“Really?”
“Really.” Jongdae smiles at their banter. Talking to Junmyeon is just as easy as it was the first day they met, and although Jongdae finds it odd, he’s not about to question it. Junmyeon is a fresh start, someone who doesn’t know anything about his past or present, someone who just smiles and makes Jongdae want to smile in return.
“Who’s this?” Baekhyun’s voice interrupts Jongdae’s thoughts. Jongdae turns around to see his friend grinning from ear to ear, and he wonders - with an eery sense of foreboding - how long he’s been there and how much he’s heard.
“Baekhyun, this is Junmyeon. Junmyeon, Baekhyun,” Jongdae introduces the two, albeit a little reluctantly because he knows what’s going on in Baekhyun’s head already.
“Nice to meet you,” Baekhyun says first. “I didn’t know Jongdae had a friend who worked at a karaoke bar.”
“We haven’t been friends for a long time,” Junmyeon admits, chuckling at Baekhyun’s eagerness to converse. “But yeah, you guys should come by more often. I’ll even give you guys some discounts.”
Baekhyun nudges Jongdae in the stomach a little too hard. “Hear that, Jongdae? He’ll give us some discounts.”
Jongdae elbows him back with a glare. “Yes, I heard. I’m not deaf, you know.”
“Just making sure,” Baekhyun hums. “So where’s Jongin?” he asks, looking around.
“He’s in the room, setting up.”
“Oh, I see how it is. Leaving your brother alone while you flir-”
“Well, look at the time!” Jongdae interrupts, shooting daggers at Baekhyun as he proceeds to move away from the counter and an amused Junmyeon. “I only paid for an hour, so we should get going.”
“Only an hour? How cheap,” Baekhyun sighs, and Jongdae refrains from flicking his friend on the forehead. “But that’s okay. You can make it up to me by using those discounts-”
“Shut up and move,” Jongdae snaps, pushing his friend down the hallway now.
“Have fun,” Junmyeon calls out behind them. Jongdae wonders if they’re close enough now that he can even hear a smile in his voice when he’s not looking.
“We will,” Baekhyun cackles, and Jongdae has to clasp his hand over Baekhyun’s mouth to make sure he doesn’t say any more.
“Thanks,” Jongdae replies, glancing back to grin at him before continuing to pushing Baekhyun. Once they’re out of earshot, he gives him a final shove before walking himself.
“You like him,” Baekhyun sings, grabbing Jongdae’s arm and swinging it as they walk down the hall.
Jongdae scoffs and throws his friend off of him, but he’s unable to keep his smile off his face. “Oh, shut up and go sing your SNSD songs.”
-
Baekhyun was right. He often is, Jongdae admits (although never to Baekhyun himself, because the boy’s ego is inflated enough), but he hates that he has to be right this time.
Meeting Minseok is a mistake. Jongdae feels it before it even happens, but he tells himself he has to do this or else he’ll always wonder. He doesn’t want an open-ended question hanging over them, doesn’t want loose ends he can fix to be left alone. He doesn’t want another Yixing, not so soon after so long.
Then again, Minseok isn’t exactly Yixing. Minseok is - was - much more than that. He was more than a boyfriend, more than even a first love because he was a best friend. The best friend, at the time. At least, that’s how Jongdae always felt.
But there was always Chanyeol. Chanyeol, who was Jongdae’s best friend too but definitely not as close to him as Minseok was. Chanyeol, who had his heart broken and ended up leading to Jongdae’s. Chanyeol, who Minseok ran to the moment he found out, standing Jongdae up for their two-month anniversary.
Chanyeol, who Minseok still takes care of to this day, after leaving Jongdae behind to do so.
Jongdae doesn’t want to be misunderstood, though - he really does (did?) care about Chanyeol. He sympathizes with the man, because he knows, just as Minseok did, that even before his girlfriend cheated on him, he was having issues. Issues he really didn’t like to talk about with anyone except Minseok, but Jongdae didn’t mind. Well, Jongdae didn’t mind pretending like he didn’t mind. Of course, part of him always felt left out when Chanyeol and Minseok would share conversations through mere glances, something not even Jongdae could do with Minseok, and they were dating.
Part of Jongdae is afraid that seeing Minseok again will leave him feeling lonelier than before. For a first love, Minseok sure was a toxic one, even if it was unintentional.
“How’s Chanyeol?” Jongdae finally asks after they settle in at a small restaurant close to the diner from last week. He thinks it’s an appropriate ice breaker, to some degree.
“He’s good. He’s taking medication, and so far, it seems to be helping, so we decided it’d be safe to move back,” Minseok replies with a nod, playing with the napkin. “I think he misses it here.”
Jongdae nods in understanding. Chanyeol always had been more of a people’s person before everything happened. Even when he was having problems, he could immediately cheer up - or appear to cheer up - when placed into a room full of people. He was good at acting, Jongdae admits. Perhaps too good for his own good.
“It’s nice that you guys are back,” Jongdae says, and he’s not sure if it’s the truth or a lie, and to be honest, he’s a little afraid to figure it out.
Minseok smiles a little at that. “It’s nice to know you’re still the same old Jongdae,” he replies, and Jongdae tries to keep from frowning. Sometimes he wonders if his friends even knew him, or if they were too busy saving each other to notice someone else was drowning.
“What-whatever happened to Chanyeol?” Jongdae asks, hesitant. He knew the general idea, because he’d heard it so many times as an excuse for Minseok not to show up to their dates before they finally called it off, but he never actually got the entire story. After all, Minseok had no time for him anymore.
“He developed major depression,” Minseok replies, voice eerily calm, as if he’s told this story so many times that it doesn’t even bother him. “And then schizophrenia.”
Jongdae’s blood runs cold at that. He never knew that part. “What? How-”
“He really loved her,” Minseok interrupts, eyes burning into Jongdae. He wonders if the older can hear his mind screaming, And I really loved you! but he thinks he’s doing pretty well at keeping it at bay. “And love does crazy things to us.” The dark part of Jongdae wants to laugh, because Minseok would know, after all.
“But schizophrenia...” Jongdae murmurs, breathless. He can’t even imagine it, and yet it all makes sense. Rumors were going around their senior year that Chanyeol had gone insane, started talking to himself in class. But Jongdae just thoughts the kids were being cruel, making up lies about his friend while he was vulnerable because they were teenagers looking for fun and gossip.
“Sometimes we misplace our anchors,” is all Minseok says, as if that’s explanation enough, expression somber. “Love is the last place we should ever leave it.”
Jongdae goes home feeling haunted that night.
-
Unsure of how well he’d be able to handle being alone, Jongdae seeks out his brother after his meeting with Minseok, only to learn Jongin is out with his friends, Sehun being one of them. Jongdae knows it’s irrational, but there’s something about Sehun that leaves a bitter taste on Jongdae’s tongue.
In need of a distraction, Jongdae grabs his coat and walks out of his house again, heading straight to the one place where he knows he’ll be able to forget everything, even for a moment. It’s late, but he knows they close up around two on Friday nights.
Junmyeon greets him with, “It’s midnight.”
Jongdae smiles a little, walking over to the counter. “I know.”
Junmyeon looks at him for a long moment, and Jongdae wants to squirm under his stare. Something about the way Junmyeon looks at him is unnerving, even when they’re just playing around, as if the man is trying to decode him with a simple look. It’s working, and Jongdae finds himself fidgeting.
“I’m guessing you’re not here to sing Sorry, Sorry with me on the karaoke machine,” Junmyeon comments with a small smile, garnering a soft chuckle from Jongdae.
“I wouldn’t mind that, actually,” he admits. Anything is better than you staring at me with those eyes all night.
“I would, though,” Junmyeon laughs. “I heard you the other time you were here - you’re really good, you know?”
Jongdae smiles at that - really smiles - and says, “Thanks. I’m sure you’re not too bad, either, you know.”
“Nah, I’m okay,” Junmyeon admits. “But still, nowhere near your level.” Jongdae is too flustered by the compliment to say anything, so they end up standing there for a few seconds in an awkward silence that eventually Junmyeon breaks.
“So what’s on your mind?” he asks, leaning against the counter as he looks over at Jongdae.
“Nothing much, I guess,” Jongdae admits, mind previously wiped from their earlier conversation. “I just- I felt alone, I guess,” he mumbles the last part, unsure if it’s even appropriate to be telling Junmyeon this. After all, the two haven’t even known each other for that long, and yet Jongdae feels comfortable sharing anything with Junmyeon at this point. It’s weird, because things he’d hesitate to tell Jongin or Baekhyun come spilling out with Junmyeon, even though he never asks.
“How so?” Junmyeon asks, eyebrow raised but not in a way that seems judgmental, only curious. It makes Jongdae feel less threatened this way, so he continues.
“Well, Jongin’s out with his friends, and Baekhyun’s out with his dream boyfriend, and I was home alone until I decided to drop by.”
“To see me,” Junmyeon adds, and Jongdae can feel his face heat up but he hopes it’s too dark for the other to notice.
“Yeah.”
“Well, I’m touched,” Junmyeon says with a soft smile. “But that still doesn’t explain why you look so sad still, even when you’re here with me.”
Jongdae blinks, surprised at the blunt yet true statement. Is he really that easy to read? “I-I’m not. I’m not sad.” He pauses for a moment, wondering if he should continue; the look in Junmyeon’s eyes is comforting and understanding, enough to allow Jongdae to speak again. “But I am lonely.”
“Why?” There’s still nothing critical to Junmyeon’s words; he sounds like he cares, and Jongdae really wants to believe he does.
“Because I don’t have anyone.” He stops, thinking how stupid he must sound, because even he would scoff at his own words. Jongdae braces himself for Junmyeon’s inevitable verdict that Jongdae is a needy man, but it doesn’t come.
Instead, Junmyeon’s eyebrows scrunch together in confusion and Jongdae feels like a stupid teenage girl when he finds it cute. “You have Jongin, though,” Junmyeon says, confused.
Jongdae looks conflicted for a moment. He should’ve known he’d bring that up. It’s quiet before he shares, voice soft, “Jongin’s my foster brother.”
If Junmyeon is surprised, he does a good job of hiding it. Instead, he places a hand on Jongdae’s shoulder, rubbing it comfortingly. Jongdae wonders if the move is done out of friendly feelings or something more. “That doesn’t mean he’s not family.”
Jongdae nods. “I know, and that’s not what I mean-” he starts, but Junmyeon cuts him off.
“How long have you known Jongin?”
“Since he was seven,” Jongdae answers, eyebrows furrowed. He can still remember the day his parents brought Jongin home - he finally had a brother. His parents, who were so scared that their sons wouldn’t get along, were delighted when, the moment they introduced him to Jongin, Jongdae dragged him to their to-be-shared room and showed him all the toys excitedly. All day at school, Jongdae would go on and on about his new brother who was ‘so cute’ and ‘who plays Power Rangers’ with him all day.
“And how old is he now?”
“Seventeen,” Jongdae huffs, not sure where this is going. It’s been ten years, and Jongdae feels a little breathless as he soaks that thought up. The little boy who he pushed on the swings and bought ice cream for was now a young man, about to go off to college. Jongdae lets out a low breath, his heart clenching at the thought of Jongin being out there in the real world, without him.
“Ten years. You’ve been with Jongin for ten years, looking after him and taking care of him. Of course he’s yours,” Junmyeon says, and he sounds so confident that Jongdae almost believes him, as if Junmyeon has been living in Jongdae’s shoes this entire time and knows more about his life than Jongdae himself.
“But he’s not,” Jongdae argues. “He’s not mine. He’s just- he’s my brother, and he’s leaving.” He takes in a sharp inhale of breath as his heart drops and so does his voice. “He’s leaving this summer. He’s going to study in Busan,” Jongdae whispers.
“This isn’t about having someone to yourself, is it?” Junmyeon murmurs. Jongdae wonders how Junmyeon sees things so clearly when everything seems like such a mess to Jongdae right now. “It’s about the people around you that you already have leaving.”
“I already lost my family. What more is one more person,” Jongdae says, and although he tries to sound nonchalant, like he doesn’t care that the words pierce his heart, he can feel his breath waver.
“This isn’t just one person, though; he’s your brother. And you love him, and you cared for him, and that’s why it’s so hard to let go,” Junmyeon consoles.
“Everyone leaves,” Jongdae tries. “I’m not stupid enough to think he wouldn’t, too.”
“Not everyone.” Junmyeon argues. “Baekhyun is still there for you too, right?”
“But he has Tao now.”
“Yeah, but Tao is his boyfriend, right? You’re his best friend.”
“Boyfriends can replace best friends,” Jongdae points out.
“They shouldn’t,” Junmyeon retorts. “And besides, I saw you two the last time you came by - he looked like a good friend.”
“He’s a good actor,” Jongdae says dryly, remembering how Baekhyun acted in front of Junmyeon. But he knows Junmyeon is right - he could never imagine Baekhyun leaving him for Tao or for any boyfriend. They’ve been together for so long now, they may as well be brothers too.
“I see you’re smiling,” Junmyeon comments, and Jongdae looks at him to see the man is smiling as well. When is he not?
“I remembered a funny joke,” Jongdae lies, but he can’t keep his lips from curving upwards.
Junmyeon laughs at his attempt. “Sure,” he chortles.
“So when do you close up?”
“At one today, maybe earlier if the last group finishes before then,” Junmyeon says. Jongdae nods; he wouldn’t mind spending another hour here. “You can stay until then. I’ll even walk you home.”
Jongdae knows Junmyeon is teasing him, but the thought still makes his stomach churn. “This isn’t a date, though.”
“Too bad,” Junmyeon hums, and Jongdae is feeling a little too breathless to reply. A few moments pass before Junmyeon speaks again. “Hey, Jongdae?” he asks, and Jongdae nods to show he’s still listening. Junmyeon seems hesitant for a moment before finally asking, “It’s just... I was just wondering- why didn’t you go to someone else to talk? Like Baekhyun, or Luhan?”
Jongdae blinks. “I don’t know. You were just the first person who came to mind when I ran out the front door.”
“Oh,” is all Junmyeon says. Jongdae stares for a moment longer, trying to decipher the look in Junmyeon’s face, but it’s gone too quickly. “Well, feel free to come by any time. I’m always here.”
Jongdae wonders if his face is as bright as Junmyeon’s when he murmurs, “Thanks.”
-
Although Jongdae wakes up tired and groggy, he doesn’t regret going to bed late because he would have spent all night up with Junmyeon if he could, doing one thing or another.
Jongdae opens his phone to see unread text messages. The first is from Junmyeon:
i got home safely, if you’re wondering :)
He smiles. How Junmyeon-like to text with complete words and correct grammar and cute emoticons.
good to know, he texts back, adding in a smiley as well as a precaution. He moves on to read the other text message, which is from Minseok this time, surprisingly. He wasn’t sure if the other would want to talk so soon after their heavy conversation last time.
hey can we meet up again today? maybe for dinner at that diner we met the first time
Jongdae’s thumb hesitates over the reply button, but he tells himself he needs this, needs the closure. It wouldn’t hurt, after all, to gain an old friend after so long. He types back an okay, 7 sound good? before closing his phone and getting up to start what already feels like a long day.
-
Jongdae makes it a point to avoid Baekhyun as he leaves work, knowing how the man will react if he finds out he’s going to meet with Minseok afterwards. He can see a number of scenarios unfolding if Baekhyun discovers the truth, all ending with Minseok being maimed in some way and Jongdae cleaning up after Baekhyun, as always.
Baekhyun can be quite terrifying when he wants to be. That’s probably how he caught himself a boyfriend in the first place, Jongdae muses.
Jongdae arrives at the diner at 6:45PM, a little early, but he sees Minseok already sitting in a booth towards the inside. He makes his way over, somehow unsurprised at his friend’s earliness; Minseok hated tardiness, after all.
“Hi,” Jongdae greets him, heart feeling heavy as he spots the bags under Minseok’s eyes. He wonders how it must be like, taking care of someone for so long and never benefiting from it. Jongdae could never do such a thing, even if he wanted to - it was just too draining of an idea.
“Hey,” Minseok says quietly. He gestures to the seat in front of him, which Jongdae takes.
“You look tired,” Jongdae says slowly, unsure if it’s the right thing to say but at the moment it seems like it’s the only thing to say.
“Yeah, Chanyeol’s been... he hasn’t been taking his medication, so I need to force feed him them, and it’s just- it’s tiring, I guess,” Minseok sighs, running a hand down his face before leaning on an elbow.
“I’m sorry,” Jongdae offers, eyebrows furrowing.
“It’s fine,” Minseok says with a wave of his hand. “Let’s just order.”
After their meals come out, Minseok starts to look uneasy. Jongdae wonders if he’s just really tired, and is about to ask him if he wants to go home, when Minseok blurts, “I need money.”
Jongdae blinks once, twice, mouth dry as he breathes, “What.”
“I need money,” Minseok repeats, voice softer this time as he plays with his fingers, unable to meet Jongdae’s gaze. “It’s just- my job isn’t paying as much as I thought it would, and the bills are starting to come in, and Chanyeol’s medicine isn’t cheap, you know?”
“Why don’t you just ask his parents to help?” Jongdae asks with a frown.
“Because they don’t want anything to do with him now. They say he’s too much of a hassle to provide for.” Minseok purses his lips, and Jongdae feels his heart being pulled in too many directions at once. He wants to help - he always does - but this is only the third time they’ve met since Minseok returned. It all seemed too... planned, too convenient for Minseok and not for Jongdae.
Voice quiet, he asks, “Is that the only reason you contacted me?”
Minseok’s eyes widen and he looks up, only to see Jongdae’s gaze averted this time. “What, no-”
“Because I won’t let you do this to me again.”
“Do what again?” the older asks, voice edging on desperate. “I thought we were best frie-”
“Minseok,” Jongdae interrupts, a little proud his voice didn’t crack. “I can’t.”
“Why not? I know you’re working, and I’m not asking for much-”
“I can’t,” Jongdae repeats as a mantra, more for himself than for Minseok. He’s afraid if he stops, he’ll forget he said no and cave into Minseok, just like he always did before. “I can’t, I’m sorry, I just can’t. I can’t let you do this again, not to me.” He gets up, fumbling for his wallet to pay for the meal. Flinging a couple of bills onto the table, he ignores Minseok calling for him as he pushes past the front door.
Jongdae staggers out into the street, heart racing and palms sweating. In his head, a voice screams, GO BACK! This is your last chance, don’t waste it! Just give him the money! Why lose another friend? But another voice - one that sounds suspiciously like Baekhyun - yells, just as loud, DON’T DO IT. He doesn’t deserve you, and you don’t deserve this. Go home, it’ll be okay.
So he walks. He knows where his feet are taking him, but his mind is somewhere else. All he can think about is closure, and Minseok, and Yixing, and Chanyeol, and why do these things happen to him? Sometimes you don’t get closure, he knows that much, and he thought he learned that lesson with Yixing. But some lessons can never fully be learned - they’ll always hurt every single time.
When he arrives at the apartment complex, he makes his way to the tenth floor, ringing the doorbell. He can hardly keep himself from breaking down right in front of the door, but he refrains, knowing that’ll only make things worse.
The door opens after a few moments, and all Jongdae says is, “You were right,” as he walks past a startled Baekhyun and straight into his apartment, collapsing on the sofa.
Baekhyun doesn’t question it; instead, he walks over and wraps an arm around Jongdae, hands rubbing circles on his back as he lets Jongdae breathe deeply.
They don’t speak. Jongdae will explain everything later, but for now, he just needs the arms of a friend.
-
Jongdae drowns himself in work to forget about Minseok and Yixing and other lost loves. In fact, he’s so caught up in his work that he forgets about his own birthday.
When he comes home to a half-assed frosted cake with a ‘Happy birthday!’ written on the top in blue frosting, confusion and surprise register first before embarrassment settles in. What kind of idiot forgets his own birthday? Spotting a mess of brown hair on the sofa, Jongdae knows who’s responsible for this without asking. Putting down his stuff, he walks over to open the card placed by the cake.
‘Happy birthday, hyung! Thanks for being the best big bro I could ever ask for. Take care of yourself, eat some cake, indulge a little. And just remember:
When the world tries to break your back with its weight,
get a stronger spine.
Your little brother,
Jongin’
Jongdae can feel his breath catch in his throat at the familiar quote, the one written over the top of his doorway and across the bottom of his heart. It’s the same saying his mother used to tell the both of them whenever they came home with cuts and bruises with mysterious causes, the same saying she told Jongdae when he didn’t get into the music school he dreamed of for years, the same saying she told Jongin when he broke his ankle and couldn’t dance in his middle school show. The same saying she said the last time she saw Jongdae, right before he moved away.
He can feel his eyes sting as he walks over to his brother and presses a kiss to his cheek before moving away to his bedroom. Closing the door gently, he slowly makes his way to his bed and it feels like everything collapses at that moment: his strength, his world, his heart.
-
Better late than never, Jongdae thinks as he enters the graveyard. It’s his own tradition to visit his parents’ grave on his birthday, and even though he’s late one day, he figures it wouldn’t hurt to take some time out of his work to stop by.
Carrying a bouquet, he places it on the grave. He takes a minute to clean the gravestone with his sleeve, wiping away any dirt and dust that has accumulated since the last time he visited.
“Sorry I’m late,” he starts once he’s finished. “I’ve been... distracted, I guess. But I’m here now. Did you miss me? Because I missed you.”
Jongdae sighs, shoulders hunching over. “I’ve, uh, been meaning to bring Jongin down one of these days, but he’s busy being a senior and all. I’ll be sure to bring him before he leaves though.”
It’s quiet as Jongdae thinks of what to say. His mind is rushing with thoughts, but none of them seem appropriate to bring up, not at a time like this. Distracted, he doesn’t even notice a figure approaching him from behind until he feels a tap on his shoulder and spins around, only to see Junmyeon.
“Hey, what are you doing here?” he asks, surprised. He’s never actually seen the man outside of the karaoke bar before.
“I had to drop by and clean my grandparents’ tombstone for my parents,” he replies. “What about you?”
“Oh, you know, just talking to the dead,” Jongdae says half-jokingly, and Junmyeon chuckles.
“Well, instead of talking to a grave stone, want to talk to me instead? I might make for a better conversation partner, I’d hope.” Junmyeon smiles, hands stuffed in his pockets.
Jongdae laughs at that. “I don’t know,” he teases. “My dead parents can be pretty fun to talk to, you know.”
Junmyeon stills at that, and Jongdae, in retrospect, thinks he could have worded that better. “Oh. I’m-I’m sorry,” he says, flustered. “I didn’t know...”
“It’s okay,” Jongdae assures him. “It’s been a while now, I guess. It doesn’t bother me anymore,” he lies. He’s gotten better at hiding the truth and his guilt at the same time.
“Still, I just- I feel bad now,” Junmyeon admits, rubbing the back of his neck as he looks at the gravestone then at Jongdae. “Let me make it up to you. How about some coffee?”
Jongdae eyes him for a moment, unsure if this is a date, but he finds himself accepting anyway. Enjoying the way Junmyeon’s smile returns and warms up his face, he thinks he could use a little splurge after all his work, and who better to spend it on than Junmyeon.
-
It becomes routine for Jongdae to stop by the karaoke bar. After work, on the weekends, whenever there’s free time, Jongdae will go to the karaoke bar to see Junmyeon.
Junmyeon doesn’t question it; if anything, he encourages it, saying Jongdae may as well start working at the karaoke bar at this rate (which Jongdae would actually love, if only it paid well).
It’s a Friday evening, and Jongdae is leaning on the counter, waiting for Junmyeon to come back after helping customers when he sees a familiar face come out from the back. He wonders if the man will approach him, even though they haven’t spoken since their first - and probably last - date.
“Jongdae?”
“Hi, Luhan.”
“Huh, so you’re the friend who’s always meeting Junmyeon?” he laughs, and Jongdae stares, wondering who he heard that from.
“Yeah,” he replies a little dumbly, unsure if he’s supposed to explain himself or not. Why should he, though, when Luhan and him aren’t even close?
“Are you two seeing each other or something?” Luhan asks, eyebrow raised.
Jongdae hesitates for a second. In actuality, they aren’t, but he’d like to date Junmyeon. But he knows better than to mix friendship with romance, so he refrains because he doesn’t want to lose a friend like Junmyeon, who cheers him up effortlessly and whose smile has started to become somewhat like the sun these days.
“No,” he finally answers, and if Luhan is surprised, he doesn’t show it. Instead, he smirks and nods, soaking in the information.
“Well then, you wouldn’t mind another date then, would you?”
Jongdae blinks. He wasn’t expecting that. After all, not calling someone for weeks after a date kind of means you’re not interested, Jongdae would assume. Still, he doesn’t see the harm in meeting Luhan - he hasn’t gotten laid in a while now, and he knows Luhan means no-strings-attached.
“Uh, sure. When and where?”
Luhan is finished giving him the information when Junmyeon returns, luckily; although they aren’t going out, Jongdae still feels a little weird around Junmyeon and Luhan at the same time. He wonders if Junmyeon knows about Luhan, and if he judges him for going out with him.
“I didn’t know you two were still seeing each other,” Junmyeon comments, voice nonchalant as he watches Luhan leave.
“We aren’t,” Jongdae admits, flipping through the magazine on the counter. “But we’re going out tonight.” He doesn’t know what compelled him to say that, but everything always seems to slip out with Junmyeon around.
“Hmm,” Junmyeon says, looking down to play with the cash register now. Jongdae glances at him, unsure what he’s looking for when he searches Junmyeon’s face. Whatever it is, he doesn’t find it.
-
The bar Jongdae meets Luhan at is nice, although not as clean and upscale as the one they first met in.
If Luhan seems uninterested, Jongdae doesn’t mind; he’s not paying for his drinks, at least. Still, he can’t seem to tear his eyes away from Luhan as the man greets another person, practically draping himself across the guy as they talk just a few meters away from him. He wonders if he should say something, but he refrains.
Jongdae excuses himself to find a restroom, and when he comes back, Luhan is already gone. He can’t remember having exchanged more then a handful of words with the man since they met at the bar.
But the night’s still young, an inebriated Jongdae tells himself, and he still is up for a lay. So he downs another shot of vodka, glancing around for someone when his wishes are granted the moment he feels a warm hand on his waist.
Things get blurry when Jongdae is drunk, a plus to drinking because truthfully, Jongdae would rather forget what he does intoxicated anyway. All he remembers is a hot breath down his neck and then lips on his and hands under his shirt, pulling him away from the bar and towards the bathroom.
He feels his belt sliding off when an arm yanks him away and he goes stumbling against a warm body much more comforting than the one he was previously enveloped in. When the stranger protests and tries to grab Jongdae, his savior snaps, “Go find yourself someone else to fuck. We’re going home.”
Home, Jongdae thinks, is an interesting concept. Because home can be with his brother at their shared apartment, and home can be the couch at Baekhyun’s place. And recently, home has felt a lot like a karaoke bar, waiting at the counter for a man whose smile makes Jongdae’s day ten times brighter.
Home, funny enough, also feels like this man’s arms, which thrills drunk Jongdae and frightens the real one.
The onslaught of curses that follow is drowned out, until Jongdae’s ears pick up one from the man leading him away. He finally looks up to see, both surprised and yet expecting this, Junmyeon, looking pissed off and really, really tired.
“What are you doing here?” Jongdae slurs, leaning in closer to take in the curve of Junmyeon’s jawline. He’s always admired the man’s strong features.
“Taking you to Baekhyun’s. You look like you need a friend.”
“Then why don’t you stay with me?” Jongdae hums, watching as Junmyeon buckles him into the car.
The man hesitates for a moment, hands lingering before he finally says, “Because I can’t.” It’s not enough, and Jongdae wants to protest, but Junmyeon just slams the door close along with the conversation. He walks to the other side and turns on the engine, glancing over at Jongdae one final time before pulling away from the curb.
The car ride is silent. Jongdae has never been a loud drunk. Maybe a horny one, but never loud - that was always Baekhyun’s forte.
Maybe if he was sober, he’d make jokes with Junmyeon about the wrinkles on his forehead from him thinking too hard. But he’s not, so instead he admires Junmyeon’s features, wanting to reach out and touch them but even drunk Jongdae has his limits.
It doesn’t occur to him that Junmyeon knows Baekhyun’s address although he’s never heard of the two talking to each other. He wants to ask, but the look on Junmyeon’s face says he’s not in the mood to talk.
When they arrive at the complex, Baekhyun is outside, waiting for him. Junmyeon doesn’t even spare him a second glance as he opens the door for him and mumbles a, “good night,” before driving off. Jongdae watches him until his tail lights can’t be seen any longer.
Baekhyun leads him up to his apartment. He makes some hot tea, because Jongdae doesn’t handle caffeine well in the evening, and sets it down in front of Jongdae.
It’s quiet for a moment, the calm before a storm.
Baekhyun is the first to speak. “Why do you do this to yourself?” Jongdae doesn’t look up, but that doesn’t stop Baekhyun from continuing. “Seriously, Jongdae, I just- why can’t you just see that you’re hurting yourself?”
“How am I hurting myself?” Jongdae mumbles, playing with the handle of the mug.
“You love people who don’t love you, for starters.”
Jongdae scoffs quietly. “You’re exaggerating.”
“Oh, really? Should I name them?” Jongdae is about to answer no, he really doesn’t need to do that, but he doesn’t think that would’ve stopped Baekhyun anyway. “Let’s see, there’s that first boyfriend of yours, who you loved for God-knows-why reasons even though he used you and left you the moment you slept with him.” Jongdae is about to interject that he was young back then, but Baekhyun continues relentlessly.
“Then there’s that kid you saw on the streets who you would bring food to everyday and who, once he disappeared, you obsessed over for a whole month even though you never knew his name. You didn’t know a damn thing about the kid; why did it affect you so much?” Baekhyun demands, running a hand through his hair before continuing.
“And then there’s Minseok and Chanyeol, the two bastards who ruined the rest of your high school life and part of your college life because they were mindless and yet you loved them,” Baekhyun hisses. “And then there’s-”
“Okay, okay,” Jongdae stops him. “I get it. I care about people who don’t care about me, but is that so bad?”
“It is when you care about them more than they ever cared about you!”
Jongdae sighs, leaning on his elbows to place his face in his hands. “You just don’t understand, Baekhyun.”
“Well maybe I would if you actually talked to me instead of showing up at my house late at night, about to cry or drunk out of your mind!” he exclaims, frustrated.
Jongdae rubs his face. “Then what do you suggest I do?” he asks, shaking his head. Maybe he could try, for Baekhyun, to be more open if that’s what he wants.
Baekhyun’s quiet for a moment as he thinks. “You should date someone like Junmyeon,” he murmurs, voice quiet and it makes Jongdae wonder if he was supposed to hear it. Regardless, he ends up answering anyway.
“Junmyeon’s too good for someone like me.”
“Shut up.”
Jongdae doesn’t even flinch. He’s past that. “What? I’m just being honest-”
“Shut. Up.”
“Stop that! Stop shutting me down all because you can’t accept the truth!”
“Jongdae, the truth is you’re worth so much more than you think, but you’re just too blind to see it! I know you’re hurt and scared, but you’re being unfair to yourself and I’m sick of it!”
“As if I enjoy this,” Jongdae hisses, suddenly angry and bitter. “I don’t want to feel this way, but I can’t not. I’m programmed to feel this way!”
“You’re not programmed to feel any way,” Baekhyun huffs, exasperated. “You’re human, and humans change. You can change.”
“How?” Jongdae demands, voice cracking because the way Baekhyun is looking at him now is breaking him down. It’s not pity in his eyes, but care and love and Jongdae wonders if it’s always been that and he feels even worse because of that.
“Well, you can start by admitting you’re not fine all the time, and knowing that it’s okay to need help sometimes,” Baekhyun sighs, plopping himself down beside Jongdae. “I’ll be here for you, and so will Jongin, and so will Junmyeon.”
“What if I can’t be helped though?” Jongdae whispers, and Baekhyun’s eyes soften as he wraps an arm around Jongdae.
“There’s always help,” he promises. “Even if you think there isn’t, we’ll find a way.”
Jongdae nods, shakily bringing the cup of tea to his lips and taking the first sip. It’s sweet.
“And Jongdae?” Said man turns to look at Baekhyun, and almost wishes he hadn’t because he can feel the tears beginning to prickle his eyes. “Stop treating your heart like currency - don’t pay anyone who doesn’t deserve it.”
Baekhyun lets Jongdae cry in his arms.
| part three