To Have and to Hold 5/9
Story: To Have and to Hold
Author: WMR
Characters: Nine, Ten, Rose, a little of Jack, Jackie, Mickey
Rated: PG
Spoilers: All the way to TCI, and some dialogue from School Reunion.
Summary: Since you have no parents to act on your behalf, I need to ask you: will you accept his hand in marriage?
This story is written in response to
purplerhino's challenge: Write one (pick one) or even all of the episodes for at least season two with the Doctor and Rose married. Many thanks to my wonderful, nitpicky and inspirational BRs, the fabulous
dark_aegis,
ponygirl72 and
nnwest.
Chapter 1: Lewd Conduct
Chapter 2: War Widow
Chapter 3: Staking a Claim
Chapter 4: Cold Comfort
Chapter 5: Letting Go
God. She’d never realised he could hear what she’d said when he’d been unconscious. Just how much had she said, then? How much had she betrayed?
No wonder he’d said that about her giving up on him.
He was striding away again, his coat flapping behind him as he walked. She broke into a run and chased after him. He heard her coming and halted, but didn’t turn to face her.
“Doctor!” She knew she sounded breathless, but that didn’t matter. “I didn’t mean it, y’know. I know it’s you.”
She’d caught up with him by now, and he turned to glance at her. His face was expressionless. “I’ve changed, Rose. And regeneration’s not something you’ve ever seen before. It’s not easy for you - I understand that.”
Polite. Far too polite. Even with this new body, she could tell that he was hiding his real feelings. “I was... upset then, Doctor. You - the you I knew - were gone, an’ you were sick, an’ we had aliens in a spaceship right overhead... I was scared. That’s all it was.”
He nodded. “Look, let’s leave it for now, Rose. I’m not going anywhere, not for a while. The TARDIS needs some repairs - she didn’t exactly appreciate being crash-landed outside your block of flats, and there’s also what you did to her in your little escapade.” He gave her a faint smile.
“What I did?”
“You opened her up,” he reminded her. “Hooked a bloody great chain to the console! My poor TARDIS.” He shook his head sadly. At her look of horror, he continued, his tone reassuring. “Nothing I can’t fix. And anyway, I can’t complain too much. You did save my life.”
She had? Well, he’d hinted at that earlier, up on the roof. “ ‘M glad I did something good by coming back.” Even if he’d still died.
“You did.” His expression softened. “Anyway, we’ll be here for a while. That’ll give you time to get used to the new me before we’re off running for our lives again.”
He had a point there. But he’d better not start thinking of leaving without her...
“Go on.” He nodded his head towards her block. “Go back inside. I’ll see you later.”
She just nodded, and walked away, back towards the flat. He wanted to be alone. She could take that hint. And, actually, she did too. He’d given her a lot to think about, things that’d never occurred to her before.
One of her questions was answered. He did love her. He hadn’t said the words, but it’d been obvious from what he’d left unsaid. And the way he’d looked at her, too. But what he had said... she was starting to understand him in a way she never had before, and it left her aching for him.
“Humans decay. You wither and you die... I’d have no choice but to watch you die, sooner or later. You really want to do that to me?”
No. She couldn’t. So, because she loved him, some day sooner or later she was going to have to walk away from him.
***
He’d said too much. Hadn’t actually intended to strip his emotions quite that raw in explaining the consequences of their different life-spans.
And he certainly hadn’t intended to throw her own words back at her. Was that what he was like, now, in this new body? This new personality? Rude?
She was right. Of course she’d been upset. With everything she’d been through - captured by the Daleks, facing death, being sent away by him, fighting to get back to Satellite Five, Bad Wolf, then him dying right in front of her and reappearing as someone completely different, and then crash-landing her in London before collapsing and pretty much falling into a coma, it was a miracle that she’d still been functioning at all.
He knew that companions found regeneration hard to cope with. It was almost always exacerbated by whatever trouble they were in when his regeneration happened - they quite frequently ended up having to drag him out of danger as sickness took hold. But no companion had ever been through as much as Rose had in the run-up to regeneration. Though it could be worse. At least he hadn’t tried to strangle her afterwards.
So wasn’t she allowed a few moments of doubt? Some time when she got to express grief over what she thought she’d lost? What she had actually lost, really, because he wasn’t the man he had been. And he was well aware of how much she’d cared for the last him.
What was it she’d said, after all? That he wasn’t the proper Doctor. Well, he hadn’t been up to much at the time she’d said it, anyway, had he? And she’d recanted it up on the Sycorax ship.
They were both right, really. He that she needed time to get used to the new him, to make sure that she really could accept him for who he was. And she that she had intellectually - and to an extent emotionally - accepted him. She was halfway there, but she still needed time.
Time, too, to recover from everything she’d been through, to rest, to rediscover what a normal life felt like. Time not spent running for her life or escaping from Daleks. That was something he could give her. The TARDIS repairs were a good excuse to stick around for a while.
And where was he going now, anyway? The TARDIS was back there, back the way he’d come. Back where he’d left Rose.
Oh, well. A bracing walk would do him good. Get to know the neighbourhood; after all, he’d be spending the next couple of weeks at least here.
***
The Doctor was right. She did need time. Not just to get used to the new him, but to grieve for the old.
She’d thought she’d done that. She’d cried for him, after all, while he was unconscious. But they’d mostly been tears of anger and rejection, not loss. She’d cried bitterly for the man who’d left her, who’d sent her home, who’d changed and become someone else right in front of her and who’d never told her he could do it.
She hadn’t mourned. She’d gone straight from abandonment to embracing his replacement.
Yes, he was still the Doctor, but he wasn’t the same. He was right to tell her that. The same in many ways - he’d shown her that - but also very different.
He didn’t have a Northern accent that sometimes sent shivers up her spine. He didn’t have that smile that could melt her insides. He didn’t have that way of looking at her as if she was the most precious thing in his universe - or as if his world would fall apart if anything happened to her.
He had a new way of looking at her, true. And a different smile that could also do things to her once she got used to it - in fact, it’d already had an effect on her. And he’d as good as told her that he loved her, earlier, outside. Not in love, but - well, it was obvious that he hadn’t been in love with her before, either.
His jacket was still hanging on the outside of the wardrobe in her mum’s bedroom. She sneaked in and took it, leaving the rest of his abandoned clothes behind. She only wanted the jacket.
At some point, he’d emptied out the pockets. It felt lighter draped over her arm.
Clearing out the remnants of his old life. She wondered how much of what he used to carry around with him he’d thrown away. Discarded, like the old body.
But that wasn’t fair. It wasn’t as if he’d had a choice - or, at least, she assumed not.
The jacket still smelled of him. The same familiar scent of him she’d been aware of every time he’d held her in his arms, wrapped this jacket around her. Him. The Doctor she’d known, spent every waking hour with until just three days ago.
She could picture him, as clearly as if he were standing right in front of her. The short-cropped dark hair, the prominent nose and ears, his lean frame, though not quite as thin as the new Doctor, his thin face with its sharp cheekbones. The blue eyes that always seemed able to see right through her, right inside her. And that smile. The smile of his that she’d always loved...
His voice, saying her name. “Rose. I just want to tell you you were fantastic.”
“Doctor...”
He was gone. Her Doctor was gone. And he’d never come back. She was never going to see him again.
Gulping sobs overcame her, and she collapsed onto her bed, clutching his jacket in her arms.
***
Walking was good. Walking was therapeutic, in fact. Maybe he’d have to take up walking in this new body. Regular walk. Four or five miles, once or twice a day. Make a change from running for their lives, didn’t it? Different sort of exercise, walking. It used different muscles and left the brain freer for contemplation.
Actually, during the past hour, he’d found additional solutions for several problems of advanced pure mathematics, including Fermat’s Theorem and the Reimann Hypothesis. Not that he hadn’t solved those before, many times, in many past lives, but coming up with new solutions... now, that was fun. That was exciting. That was worth a five-mile walk.
Shame, really, that the thorny problem of companion relationships couldn’t be solved quite so easily.
Back to the TARDIS, then, to begin the repair-work - and to begin making up to her for the damage he’d done to her during the start of his regeneration sickness. And to find out just how much damage Rose had done when she’d opened the console up.
Uh-oh. Trouble ahead. That was Jackie Tyler, all wrapped up against the biting December wind that seemed to be worse in the courtyard outside her flat than anywhere else around the Powell Estates. And, contrary to her friendly, all-is-forgiven attitude yesterday, she was glaring at him accusingly.
He ignored the vibes of dislike coming from her in waves. “Morning, Jackie!” He gave her a cheerful wave.
She halted as he approached, and the glare intensified. “So, you’re s’posed to be my son-in-law now, are you?”
Oh. Of course, Rose had told Jackie. And Mickey. How many others knew? Well, it would just have to be dealt with. “Well, strictly speaking, I’m not sure how legal it is - ”
“Rose thinks it’s legal.” Jackie’s tone was accusing. The question was: what exactly was she angry about? Having an alien in the family, or that he might hurt Rose?
But, while her concern - if it was for Rose - was understandable, this wasn’t something he was going to discuss with her. “Jackie, I don’t mean to be rude - ”
“Never stopped you before.” Her tone told him her concern for his welfare and the way she’d hugged him was definitely all in the past. Christmas was over, and so was peace and goodwill to all men, it seemed. Mind, he wasn’t a man, anyway - at least, not a human male.
“No. You’re right.” He gave her a straight look. “And if you want me to apologise for that, I will. There were... reasons, but that doesn’t excuse my behaviour.”
She held his gaze for a long moment, then just nodded.
“Anyway,” he added, “as I was saying, the wedding thing - that’s between Rose and me.”
“So mind my own business, that’s what you’re saying?”
It was. But, on the other hand... He made a spur-of-the-moment decision. Gesturing towards the TARDIS, he said lightly, “Cup o’ tea?”
She blinked. “You can make tea in that thing?”
“Course I can! What? You think I can get all around the universe and back, and I can’t make a cup of tea?” He grinned at her, encouraging her to smile in return.
“Rose made me make tea yesterday! Brought a flask of it all the way over here, along with all the rest of the food an’ stuff she told me to bring! Now you tell me I didn’t need to!” Her glare was indignant now, instead of being angry. He wasn’t really sure which was worse.
“That tea saved the world, you know.” His tone light, he gave her an impish smile. “Didn’t realise that, did you? Jackie Tyler, hero. Saved the world from the Sycorax with a flask of tea.” He unlocked the TARDIS door and gestured to her to precede him.
She did, but gave him a sceptical look. “That’s nonsense, that is. What are you on about? Ooh, ‘s a lot warmer in here than it is outside,” she added as he closed the door behind her. “Bloody freezing out there, it is.”
“Told you yesterday. It was the tea that did it.” He draped his coat over one of the struts as he walked through the console room. “Woke me up from my post-regeneration coma, just in time to save the planet. Have to remember that in future. Always have a flask of tea to hand when I regenerate. Should really write it in the companion instruction manual, shouldn’t I? Actually, there’s a point. I should really get a companion instruction manual.”
“You know, conversations were a lot easier with the other one,” Jackie said, following him as he strode through the TARDIS. “Usually managed to understand most of what ‘e was talkin’ about. Mind you, usually ‘e was insulting me, but still...”
“Still me inside, Jackie,” he pointed out, leading the way into the kitchen. “And, yeah, I could still manage the insulting thing, if you wanted. If it’d make you feel more at home. But, y’know, new body and all that - be nice to have a fresh start, wouldn’t it?” He filled the kettle as he spoke, turning to wink at her. “Unless you’re going to do the slap thing again. Not much of a fresh start, that.”
“I should bloody slap you.”
“I wouldn’t,” he suggested. “You’ll only hurt your hand. And my face. And Rose.”
“Oh? Tell her, would you?”
“Don’t think I’d need to.” He set mugs and milk out on the counter. Actually, they were almost out of milk. Good thing they were on Earth again. “She’d notice the bruise. She’s seen one before just like it.”
“You deserved that.”
“Yes.” Slowly, consideringly, he dragged out the word. “I did, I think. Yes. I probably did.” He poured boiling water on top of the tea-leaves in the pot. Proper tea, not the tea-bags almost everyone seemed to use these days. “Y’see, that’s the thing about the TARDIS. She can be just a bit unreliable. Not often, mind. Just sometimes.” He ran his fingertips along the side of his face. Strange. His beard seemed to grow a lot faster in this body. “Ask Rose about the first time we ended up in Cardiff. I’d actually planned to take her to Naples, then. Missed the date by a few years, too.”
“Typical bloke,” Jackie said, accepting the mug of tea he passed her. “Refuses to ask directions, an’ always ends up in the wrong place.”
“I am not your typical bloke, Jackie.” He sipped his tea, regarding her over the rim of his mug.
“I’ll say. Not many blokes round ‘ere who go changing their faces.”
“No, I don’t suppose there are.”
“Not many blokes, too, who marry a girl with one face an’ turn up as ‘er husband with another.” Now the edge was back in her voice.
“I told you, Jackie.” He kept his tone pleasant. “The marriage thing is between Rose and me. If she wants to discuss it with you, that’s up to her.”
“You don’t act like any married couple I’ve ever seen.” Accusing, now.
“Oh? Not enough arguments, is that it? Well... if that’s it, I could come back up to the flat with you now. I’m sure Rose and I can come up with something to have a row about.” He winked at her suddenly. “Mothers-in-law are usually good for a few newly-wed rows, aren’t they?”
“Oh, you’re impossible!” She set her mug on the table. “I’m goin’ ‘ome.” On her way to the kitchen door, she added, “We’ll be seein’ you for dinner later, then, I s’pose?”
Oh, it would be too easy to get sucked into the Tyler household. Especially since he was planning on staying around for a few weeks. But not now. Not yet.
“Kind of you to ask, but no. Not today. Maybe another time.” He supposed he’d better show her to the front door. Otherwise, she’d get lost and he’d have Jackie Tyler wandering around the TARDIS for the next decade or two.
“Tell Rose...” Tell her what? Well, he didn’t want her to think he was avoiding her. “Tell her she knows where I am if she wants me.”
And he’d leave the ball in her court. Which was where it probably belonged now.
***
When she woke up the next morning, the jacket was still lying across her pillow.
She’d left it there last night, unable to put it away. Strangely, its presence hadn’t influenced her sleep in any way; she hadn’t dreamed of a tall, dark, Northern man and Time Lord. He hadn’t spoken to her, smiled at her, whispered to her, held out his hand for her to take.
He hadn’t been there at all.
But then, he wouldn’t be there ever again. He was gone.
And keeping his jacket wasn’t going to bring him back. Or reconcile her to his death.
Or help her get used to him in his new form. Because he wasn’t gone. And she really did know that - in her head, and she was beginning to know it in her heart. He wasn’t gone. He just looked different.
Well, and behaved differently, too. That was something else to get used to. How to interpret his new reactions. New body language. New everything, really.
But he was still the Doctor. She’d known it yesterday when he’d hugged her. Okay, it’d been to warm her up when she’d got chilled, but he’d held her in his arms. And she’d known. It was still him.
She knew what she had to do. Once she was up and dressed, she folded the jacket, then went into her mum’s bedroom to collect the rest of his clothes.
And then she left the flat to walk across to the TARDIS.
***
He was underneath the grille when he heard the knock.
Well, that was a tad irritating, wasn’t it? Nobody had ever knocked at the door before when he’d been materialised here. Most of the time, people tended to ignore the TARDIS, apart from that one time when he’d got graffitied. Of course, that’d all been part of the Bad Wolf thing.
He slid out from under the grille and, wiping his hands on a rag, glanced at the monitor. Now, that was weird. Why was Rose not using her key?
“You haven’t gone and lost it, have you?” he called to her, semi-impatient, as he opened the door from the console.
“Lost what?”
“Your key!” He sighed. “Little silver thing, you know, opens locks...”
“Yeah, thanks, Doctor. I do know what a key is. An’ mine’s in my pocket.”
“All right, then,” he said as she came in, “so, there’s some sort of problem with it? Got bent, maybe? Broken? Because I know I haven’t changed the lock since we got here. So? Some other reason why you’re not using it?”
She shrugged, seeming a little awkward. “I dunno. Jus’ didn’t feel right using it.”
Oh. Yet another consequence of his regeneration. Was this her telling him that she was still having problems getting used to him?
“This is still your home every bit as much as your mum’s flat is,” he pointed out gently. “Until you tell me you don’t want it to be any more, that is.”
“Yeah.” She nodded, and a familiar smile spread over her face. “I know. An’, like I told you before, I’m not goin’ anywhere, Doctor. You’re stuck with me.”
“You don’t see me complaining, do you?” He couldn’t help but grin back at her.
“Anyway,” he added after a moment, “you came to see me?”
“Yeah.” She glanced down, and his gaze was drawn to what she was carrying. A supermarket carrier bag, with something in it. “Thought you should have these back.”
He stepped down from the console and towards her. “What’s this?”
“Here.” She just handed him the bag without explanation.
He looked inside. “Ah. Right.” His old clothes. The jeans and jumper he’d been wearing when he’d regenerated. And the leather jacket. Of course, he’d left them at the flat. Or, rather, they’d been taken off him at the flat. Someone had undressed him and put him into those borrowed pyjamas - which he really should return or replace.
He looked back up at Rose. She’d stuffed her hands into the pockets of her padded jacket, and her expression was strained. And the significance was suddenly clear. Returning his clothes was her symbolic farewell to him as he’d been before, and acceptance of him as he was now.
Reaching behind him, he laid the bag on the raised platform, then held out his arms to her. She came willingly, hugging him tightly. “It’s only superficial,” he reminded her. “The important things are all still me.”
“Yeah.” And she actually sounded as if she believed it. Progress.
Strange how different it felt holding her in this new body. He was about the same height, so her head still came up to just above his shoulder, but he was thinner, and his fingers longer. Interesting. Something else to be added to the list of differences.
He released her and stepped back, still smiling at her. “So, cup o’ tea?”
She shook her head. “Got to go.” Glancing at her watch, she added, “I’m going up West. Don’t want to be late - Henrik’s opens at nine.”
“Henrik’s?” He frowned. Where had he heard that name before?
She gave him a long-suffering look. “Shop where I worked, remember? The one you blew up?”
“Oh. Right. Right. Henrik’s, was it? So, why’re you going there? They’ve rebuilt, I suppose... well, it has been almost two years in this timeline, I suppose.”
“Heard they need temporary staff for the sales - flu bug’s meant they’ve got people off sick. Thought I’d get in quick.” She was already making for the door.
He hurried after her. “You’re looking for a job?” Why, though? She’d said she wanted to come with him... had she changed her mind?
“Jus’ temporary. You said we’d be here a few weeks, right? Can’t see them needin’ me for more than two or three.” She shrugged, as if this was all a perfectly rational thing to do.
Job. Money. Did she need...?
But of course. He could be a thoughtless bugger sometimes. “Rose, you don’t have to get a job. If you need anything...”
Her hand on the door-handle, she spun around to look at him. “What? You’ll give me money? Doctor, ‘s one thing giving me local currency when we’re travelling. I mean, at least I do something in return for it. But here? Nah. ‘Sides, it’ll give me something to do. ‘M not used to doing nothing all day.”
That was true. But the idea of her going back to work in the shop wasn’t appealing. Not at all. And for more than one reason. Post-Christmas sales, late-night opening - she’d spend all her time working or recovering from exhaustion.
Though maybe it was deliberate? Maybe it was an excuse to avoid spending time with him?
He laid his hand on her arm, detaining her. Keeping his tone light, he said, “Y’know, maybe it’s an old-fashioned view, but aren’t husbands supposed to keep their wives in the style they’ve become accustomed to?”
She yanked her arm away from his grasp. “You’re the one who keeps saying we’re not really married, Doctor. You can’t have it both ways.”
Before he could react, she’d left, slamming the door behind her.
***
tbc
Author: WMR
Characters: Nine, Ten, Rose, a little of Jack, Jackie, Mickey
Rated: PG
Spoilers: All the way to TCI, and some dialogue from School Reunion.
Summary: Since you have no parents to act on your behalf, I need to ask you: will you accept his hand in marriage?
This story is written in response to
purplerhino's challenge: Write one (pick one) or even all of the episodes for at least season two with the Doctor and Rose married. Many thanks to my wonderful, nitpicky and inspirational BRs, the fabulous
dark_aegis,
ponygirl72 and
nnwest.
Chapter 1: Lewd Conduct
Chapter 2: War Widow
Chapter 3: Staking a Claim
Chapter 4: Cold Comfort
Chapter 5: Letting Go
God. She’d never realised he could hear what she’d said when he’d been unconscious. Just how much had she said, then? How much had she betrayed?
No wonder he’d said that about her giving up on him.
He was striding away again, his coat flapping behind him as he walked. She broke into a run and chased after him. He heard her coming and halted, but didn’t turn to face her.
“Doctor!” She knew she sounded breathless, but that didn’t matter. “I didn’t mean it, y’know. I know it’s you.”
She’d caught up with him by now, and he turned to glance at her. His face was expressionless. “I’ve changed, Rose. And regeneration’s not something you’ve ever seen before. It’s not easy for you - I understand that.”
Polite. Far too polite. Even with this new body, she could tell that he was hiding his real feelings. “I was... upset then, Doctor. You - the you I knew - were gone, an’ you were sick, an’ we had aliens in a spaceship right overhead... I was scared. That’s all it was.”
He nodded. “Look, let’s leave it for now, Rose. I’m not going anywhere, not for a while. The TARDIS needs some repairs - she didn’t exactly appreciate being crash-landed outside your block of flats, and there’s also what you did to her in your little escapade.” He gave her a faint smile.
“What I did?”
“You opened her up,” he reminded her. “Hooked a bloody great chain to the console! My poor TARDIS.” He shook his head sadly. At her look of horror, he continued, his tone reassuring. “Nothing I can’t fix. And anyway, I can’t complain too much. You did save my life.”
She had? Well, he’d hinted at that earlier, up on the roof. “ ‘M glad I did something good by coming back.” Even if he’d still died.
“You did.” His expression softened. “Anyway, we’ll be here for a while. That’ll give you time to get used to the new me before we’re off running for our lives again.”
He had a point there. But he’d better not start thinking of leaving without her...
“Go on.” He nodded his head towards her block. “Go back inside. I’ll see you later.”
She just nodded, and walked away, back towards the flat. He wanted to be alone. She could take that hint. And, actually, she did too. He’d given her a lot to think about, things that’d never occurred to her before.
One of her questions was answered. He did love her. He hadn’t said the words, but it’d been obvious from what he’d left unsaid. And the way he’d looked at her, too. But what he had said... she was starting to understand him in a way she never had before, and it left her aching for him.
“Humans decay. You wither and you die... I’d have no choice but to watch you die, sooner or later. You really want to do that to me?”
No. She couldn’t. So, because she loved him, some day sooner or later she was going to have to walk away from him.
***
He’d said too much. Hadn’t actually intended to strip his emotions quite that raw in explaining the consequences of their different life-spans.
And he certainly hadn’t intended to throw her own words back at her. Was that what he was like, now, in this new body? This new personality? Rude?
She was right. Of course she’d been upset. With everything she’d been through - captured by the Daleks, facing death, being sent away by him, fighting to get back to Satellite Five, Bad Wolf, then him dying right in front of her and reappearing as someone completely different, and then crash-landing her in London before collapsing and pretty much falling into a coma, it was a miracle that she’d still been functioning at all.
He knew that companions found regeneration hard to cope with. It was almost always exacerbated by whatever trouble they were in when his regeneration happened - they quite frequently ended up having to drag him out of danger as sickness took hold. But no companion had ever been through as much as Rose had in the run-up to regeneration. Though it could be worse. At least he hadn’t tried to strangle her afterwards.
So wasn’t she allowed a few moments of doubt? Some time when she got to express grief over what she thought she’d lost? What she had actually lost, really, because he wasn’t the man he had been. And he was well aware of how much she’d cared for the last him.
What was it she’d said, after all? That he wasn’t the proper Doctor. Well, he hadn’t been up to much at the time she’d said it, anyway, had he? And she’d recanted it up on the Sycorax ship.
They were both right, really. He that she needed time to get used to the new him, to make sure that she really could accept him for who he was. And she that she had intellectually - and to an extent emotionally - accepted him. She was halfway there, but she still needed time.
Time, too, to recover from everything she’d been through, to rest, to rediscover what a normal life felt like. Time not spent running for her life or escaping from Daleks. That was something he could give her. The TARDIS repairs were a good excuse to stick around for a while.
And where was he going now, anyway? The TARDIS was back there, back the way he’d come. Back where he’d left Rose.
Oh, well. A bracing walk would do him good. Get to know the neighbourhood; after all, he’d be spending the next couple of weeks at least here.
***
The Doctor was right. She did need time. Not just to get used to the new him, but to grieve for the old.
She’d thought she’d done that. She’d cried for him, after all, while he was unconscious. But they’d mostly been tears of anger and rejection, not loss. She’d cried bitterly for the man who’d left her, who’d sent her home, who’d changed and become someone else right in front of her and who’d never told her he could do it.
She hadn’t mourned. She’d gone straight from abandonment to embracing his replacement.
Yes, he was still the Doctor, but he wasn’t the same. He was right to tell her that. The same in many ways - he’d shown her that - but also very different.
He didn’t have a Northern accent that sometimes sent shivers up her spine. He didn’t have that smile that could melt her insides. He didn’t have that way of looking at her as if she was the most precious thing in his universe - or as if his world would fall apart if anything happened to her.
He had a new way of looking at her, true. And a different smile that could also do things to her once she got used to it - in fact, it’d already had an effect on her. And he’d as good as told her that he loved her, earlier, outside. Not in love, but - well, it was obvious that he hadn’t been in love with her before, either.
His jacket was still hanging on the outside of the wardrobe in her mum’s bedroom. She sneaked in and took it, leaving the rest of his abandoned clothes behind. She only wanted the jacket.
At some point, he’d emptied out the pockets. It felt lighter draped over her arm.
Clearing out the remnants of his old life. She wondered how much of what he used to carry around with him he’d thrown away. Discarded, like the old body.
But that wasn’t fair. It wasn’t as if he’d had a choice - or, at least, she assumed not.
The jacket still smelled of him. The same familiar scent of him she’d been aware of every time he’d held her in his arms, wrapped this jacket around her. Him. The Doctor she’d known, spent every waking hour with until just three days ago.
She could picture him, as clearly as if he were standing right in front of her. The short-cropped dark hair, the prominent nose and ears, his lean frame, though not quite as thin as the new Doctor, his thin face with its sharp cheekbones. The blue eyes that always seemed able to see right through her, right inside her. And that smile. The smile of his that she’d always loved...
His voice, saying her name. “Rose. I just want to tell you you were fantastic.”
“Doctor...”
He was gone. Her Doctor was gone. And he’d never come back. She was never going to see him again.
Gulping sobs overcame her, and she collapsed onto her bed, clutching his jacket in her arms.
***
Walking was good. Walking was therapeutic, in fact. Maybe he’d have to take up walking in this new body. Regular walk. Four or five miles, once or twice a day. Make a change from running for their lives, didn’t it? Different sort of exercise, walking. It used different muscles and left the brain freer for contemplation.
Actually, during the past hour, he’d found additional solutions for several problems of advanced pure mathematics, including Fermat’s Theorem and the Reimann Hypothesis. Not that he hadn’t solved those before, many times, in many past lives, but coming up with new solutions... now, that was fun. That was exciting. That was worth a five-mile walk.
Shame, really, that the thorny problem of companion relationships couldn’t be solved quite so easily.
Back to the TARDIS, then, to begin the repair-work - and to begin making up to her for the damage he’d done to her during the start of his regeneration sickness. And to find out just how much damage Rose had done when she’d opened the console up.
Uh-oh. Trouble ahead. That was Jackie Tyler, all wrapped up against the biting December wind that seemed to be worse in the courtyard outside her flat than anywhere else around the Powell Estates. And, contrary to her friendly, all-is-forgiven attitude yesterday, she was glaring at him accusingly.
He ignored the vibes of dislike coming from her in waves. “Morning, Jackie!” He gave her a cheerful wave.
She halted as he approached, and the glare intensified. “So, you’re s’posed to be my son-in-law now, are you?”
Oh. Of course, Rose had told Jackie. And Mickey. How many others knew? Well, it would just have to be dealt with. “Well, strictly speaking, I’m not sure how legal it is - ”
“Rose thinks it’s legal.” Jackie’s tone was accusing. The question was: what exactly was she angry about? Having an alien in the family, or that he might hurt Rose?
But, while her concern - if it was for Rose - was understandable, this wasn’t something he was going to discuss with her. “Jackie, I don’t mean to be rude - ”
“Never stopped you before.” Her tone told him her concern for his welfare and the way she’d hugged him was definitely all in the past. Christmas was over, and so was peace and goodwill to all men, it seemed. Mind, he wasn’t a man, anyway - at least, not a human male.
“No. You’re right.” He gave her a straight look. “And if you want me to apologise for that, I will. There were... reasons, but that doesn’t excuse my behaviour.”
She held his gaze for a long moment, then just nodded.
“Anyway,” he added, “as I was saying, the wedding thing - that’s between Rose and me.”
“So mind my own business, that’s what you’re saying?”
It was. But, on the other hand... He made a spur-of-the-moment decision. Gesturing towards the TARDIS, he said lightly, “Cup o’ tea?”
She blinked. “You can make tea in that thing?”
“Course I can! What? You think I can get all around the universe and back, and I can’t make a cup of tea?” He grinned at her, encouraging her to smile in return.
“Rose made me make tea yesterday! Brought a flask of it all the way over here, along with all the rest of the food an’ stuff she told me to bring! Now you tell me I didn’t need to!” Her glare was indignant now, instead of being angry. He wasn’t really sure which was worse.
“That tea saved the world, you know.” His tone light, he gave her an impish smile. “Didn’t realise that, did you? Jackie Tyler, hero. Saved the world from the Sycorax with a flask of tea.” He unlocked the TARDIS door and gestured to her to precede him.
She did, but gave him a sceptical look. “That’s nonsense, that is. What are you on about? Ooh, ‘s a lot warmer in here than it is outside,” she added as he closed the door behind her. “Bloody freezing out there, it is.”
“Told you yesterday. It was the tea that did it.” He draped his coat over one of the struts as he walked through the console room. “Woke me up from my post-regeneration coma, just in time to save the planet. Have to remember that in future. Always have a flask of tea to hand when I regenerate. Should really write it in the companion instruction manual, shouldn’t I? Actually, there’s a point. I should really get a companion instruction manual.”
“You know, conversations were a lot easier with the other one,” Jackie said, following him as he strode through the TARDIS. “Usually managed to understand most of what ‘e was talkin’ about. Mind you, usually ‘e was insulting me, but still...”
“Still me inside, Jackie,” he pointed out, leading the way into the kitchen. “And, yeah, I could still manage the insulting thing, if you wanted. If it’d make you feel more at home. But, y’know, new body and all that - be nice to have a fresh start, wouldn’t it?” He filled the kettle as he spoke, turning to wink at her. “Unless you’re going to do the slap thing again. Not much of a fresh start, that.”
“I should bloody slap you.”
“I wouldn’t,” he suggested. “You’ll only hurt your hand. And my face. And Rose.”
“Oh? Tell her, would you?”
“Don’t think I’d need to.” He set mugs and milk out on the counter. Actually, they were almost out of milk. Good thing they were on Earth again. “She’d notice the bruise. She’s seen one before just like it.”
“You deserved that.”
“Yes.” Slowly, consideringly, he dragged out the word. “I did, I think. Yes. I probably did.” He poured boiling water on top of the tea-leaves in the pot. Proper tea, not the tea-bags almost everyone seemed to use these days. “Y’see, that’s the thing about the TARDIS. She can be just a bit unreliable. Not often, mind. Just sometimes.” He ran his fingertips along the side of his face. Strange. His beard seemed to grow a lot faster in this body. “Ask Rose about the first time we ended up in Cardiff. I’d actually planned to take her to Naples, then. Missed the date by a few years, too.”
“Typical bloke,” Jackie said, accepting the mug of tea he passed her. “Refuses to ask directions, an’ always ends up in the wrong place.”
“I am not your typical bloke, Jackie.” He sipped his tea, regarding her over the rim of his mug.
“I’ll say. Not many blokes round ‘ere who go changing their faces.”
“No, I don’t suppose there are.”
“Not many blokes, too, who marry a girl with one face an’ turn up as ‘er husband with another.” Now the edge was back in her voice.
“I told you, Jackie.” He kept his tone pleasant. “The marriage thing is between Rose and me. If she wants to discuss it with you, that’s up to her.”
“You don’t act like any married couple I’ve ever seen.” Accusing, now.
“Oh? Not enough arguments, is that it? Well... if that’s it, I could come back up to the flat with you now. I’m sure Rose and I can come up with something to have a row about.” He winked at her suddenly. “Mothers-in-law are usually good for a few newly-wed rows, aren’t they?”
“Oh, you’re impossible!” She set her mug on the table. “I’m goin’ ‘ome.” On her way to the kitchen door, she added, “We’ll be seein’ you for dinner later, then, I s’pose?”
Oh, it would be too easy to get sucked into the Tyler household. Especially since he was planning on staying around for a few weeks. But not now. Not yet.
“Kind of you to ask, but no. Not today. Maybe another time.” He supposed he’d better show her to the front door. Otherwise, she’d get lost and he’d have Jackie Tyler wandering around the TARDIS for the next decade or two.
“Tell Rose...” Tell her what? Well, he didn’t want her to think he was avoiding her. “Tell her she knows where I am if she wants me.”
And he’d leave the ball in her court. Which was where it probably belonged now.
***
When she woke up the next morning, the jacket was still lying across her pillow.
She’d left it there last night, unable to put it away. Strangely, its presence hadn’t influenced her sleep in any way; she hadn’t dreamed of a tall, dark, Northern man and Time Lord. He hadn’t spoken to her, smiled at her, whispered to her, held out his hand for her to take.
He hadn’t been there at all.
But then, he wouldn’t be there ever again. He was gone.
And keeping his jacket wasn’t going to bring him back. Or reconcile her to his death.
Or help her get used to him in his new form. Because he wasn’t gone. And she really did know that - in her head, and she was beginning to know it in her heart. He wasn’t gone. He just looked different.
Well, and behaved differently, too. That was something else to get used to. How to interpret his new reactions. New body language. New everything, really.
But he was still the Doctor. She’d known it yesterday when he’d hugged her. Okay, it’d been to warm her up when she’d got chilled, but he’d held her in his arms. And she’d known. It was still him.
She knew what she had to do. Once she was up and dressed, she folded the jacket, then went into her mum’s bedroom to collect the rest of his clothes.
And then she left the flat to walk across to the TARDIS.
***
He was underneath the grille when he heard the knock.
Well, that was a tad irritating, wasn’t it? Nobody had ever knocked at the door before when he’d been materialised here. Most of the time, people tended to ignore the TARDIS, apart from that one time when he’d got graffitied. Of course, that’d all been part of the Bad Wolf thing.
He slid out from under the grille and, wiping his hands on a rag, glanced at the monitor. Now, that was weird. Why was Rose not using her key?
“You haven’t gone and lost it, have you?” he called to her, semi-impatient, as he opened the door from the console.
“Lost what?”
“Your key!” He sighed. “Little silver thing, you know, opens locks...”
“Yeah, thanks, Doctor. I do know what a key is. An’ mine’s in my pocket.”
“All right, then,” he said as she came in, “so, there’s some sort of problem with it? Got bent, maybe? Broken? Because I know I haven’t changed the lock since we got here. So? Some other reason why you’re not using it?”
She shrugged, seeming a little awkward. “I dunno. Jus’ didn’t feel right using it.”
Oh. Yet another consequence of his regeneration. Was this her telling him that she was still having problems getting used to him?
“This is still your home every bit as much as your mum’s flat is,” he pointed out gently. “Until you tell me you don’t want it to be any more, that is.”
“Yeah.” She nodded, and a familiar smile spread over her face. “I know. An’, like I told you before, I’m not goin’ anywhere, Doctor. You’re stuck with me.”
“You don’t see me complaining, do you?” He couldn’t help but grin back at her.
“Anyway,” he added after a moment, “you came to see me?”
“Yeah.” She glanced down, and his gaze was drawn to what she was carrying. A supermarket carrier bag, with something in it. “Thought you should have these back.”
He stepped down from the console and towards her. “What’s this?”
“Here.” She just handed him the bag without explanation.
He looked inside. “Ah. Right.” His old clothes. The jeans and jumper he’d been wearing when he’d regenerated. And the leather jacket. Of course, he’d left them at the flat. Or, rather, they’d been taken off him at the flat. Someone had undressed him and put him into those borrowed pyjamas - which he really should return or replace.
He looked back up at Rose. She’d stuffed her hands into the pockets of her padded jacket, and her expression was strained. And the significance was suddenly clear. Returning his clothes was her symbolic farewell to him as he’d been before, and acceptance of him as he was now.
Reaching behind him, he laid the bag on the raised platform, then held out his arms to her. She came willingly, hugging him tightly. “It’s only superficial,” he reminded her. “The important things are all still me.”
“Yeah.” And she actually sounded as if she believed it. Progress.
Strange how different it felt holding her in this new body. He was about the same height, so her head still came up to just above his shoulder, but he was thinner, and his fingers longer. Interesting. Something else to be added to the list of differences.
He released her and stepped back, still smiling at her. “So, cup o’ tea?”
She shook her head. “Got to go.” Glancing at her watch, she added, “I’m going up West. Don’t want to be late - Henrik’s opens at nine.”
“Henrik’s?” He frowned. Where had he heard that name before?
She gave him a long-suffering look. “Shop where I worked, remember? The one you blew up?”
“Oh. Right. Right. Henrik’s, was it? So, why’re you going there? They’ve rebuilt, I suppose... well, it has been almost two years in this timeline, I suppose.”
“Heard they need temporary staff for the sales - flu bug’s meant they’ve got people off sick. Thought I’d get in quick.” She was already making for the door.
He hurried after her. “You’re looking for a job?” Why, though? She’d said she wanted to come with him... had she changed her mind?
“Jus’ temporary. You said we’d be here a few weeks, right? Can’t see them needin’ me for more than two or three.” She shrugged, as if this was all a perfectly rational thing to do.
Job. Money. Did she need...?
But of course. He could be a thoughtless bugger sometimes. “Rose, you don’t have to get a job. If you need anything...”
Her hand on the door-handle, she spun around to look at him. “What? You’ll give me money? Doctor, ‘s one thing giving me local currency when we’re travelling. I mean, at least I do something in return for it. But here? Nah. ‘Sides, it’ll give me something to do. ‘M not used to doing nothing all day.”
That was true. But the idea of her going back to work in the shop wasn’t appealing. Not at all. And for more than one reason. Post-Christmas sales, late-night opening - she’d spend all her time working or recovering from exhaustion.
Though maybe it was deliberate? Maybe it was an excuse to avoid spending time with him?
He laid his hand on her arm, detaining her. Keeping his tone light, he said, “Y’know, maybe it’s an old-fashioned view, but aren’t husbands supposed to keep their wives in the style they’ve become accustomed to?”
She yanked her arm away from his grasp. “You’re the one who keeps saying we’re not really married, Doctor. You can’t have it both ways.”
Before he could react, she’d left, slamming the door behind her.
***
tbc