Late Night
For those of you who don't care to read about my personal/RL issues, feel free to skip this part:
I've been MIA, and I've gone back and forth about trying to keep this thing mostly separate from my real life, but I think I've started to give up on that. I feel like I'm always making posts like this about me being away, but as I've said before, times have been rough, and they've recently been worse.
I stayed away from this LJ for a while, popping on every now and again to reply to comments or leave one or two, but that's been extremely rare. I've pretty much fallen out of writing, which is why I'm posting this now, starting with something somewhat familiar and simple. It's part of a 'verse I've written a lot of, and it's not too complicated. And I kind of feel like I've been making the mistake Jensen makes in this over and over again lately, because sometimes it's hard to remember the good things, which can be really unfair, but it happens. Sometimes, even though it isn't fair, it's hard to sit down and say, "Maybe life sucks, but I still have these awesome people around me that I'd be lost without, so I should just stop bitching and be happy with my life."
A few weeks ago, my grandmother passed away. It was the end of a long and terrible battle that had so many ups and downs. We'd said goodbye to her so many times, only to have her bounce back again. After a while, I realized I wouldn't believe that she was really dying until she was actually gone. Now that she is, I'm not dealing with it all that well. I guess I'm dealing with it well enough, but I feel sort of stuck in a state that I'm not happy with. I don't feel that I have unfinished business with her, and the one thing that I am relieved about is that she's not suffering anymore. But this is the first time I'm dealing with the loss of someone close to me, and I'm floundering a bit. It's hard for life to feel normal when you still selfishly feel like everything should just stop, just to recognize how much your own life has changed. And I guess it doesn't help that I still have a close friend who's in the midst of battling a terrible disease.
I've said so many times that I wanted to erase this year, and I still think that often. But, while I don't have a significant other to lean on like Jensen does in this fic, I do still have other friends and family who have done much more than what's necessary to help me, so I think I owe all of them a pretty big apology. It's just hard to stop bitching sometimes.
I feel like I made this fic sound like it's something profound, but it's not, really. I kind of felt like I needed to strap the training wheels on again, and then maybe I can get back to the larger unfinished fics I have on my laptop.
Also, I have to add that I've still been able to turn Supernatural on and get sucked into a world that I thoroughly enjoy. I'm loving this season, and I am so looking forward to the meta episode this week that will bring me many, many lols. Harsh my squee or bash anybody, and I will kill you. :)
♥
Title: Late Night
Fandom: RPS
Characters/Pairings: Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki
Prompt: 074. Dark.
fanfic100 table: here
Word Count: 1,482
Rating: R
Warnings: Language and foreplay? Some angst.
Summary: Previews and interviews for My Bloody Valentine make Jensen think about what his life could have been. Jared intervenes.
Author's Notes: Part of the Forty-Three Days 'verse.
Jensen sat with his back up against the headboard of the bed, eyes fixed on the TV, remote in hand. He’d never watched TV all that much, but lately he’d been turning it on whenever possible. He wasn’t sure why he did it, because it never made him feel good. It made him feel just the opposite.
He turned the volume up over the sound of the shower running. It was just his luck that he’d stumbled upon a late night talk show featuring the one person who put a bitter taste in his mouth. The guy sat in the chair beside the host, all smiles and charm. Jensen should’ve turned it off, wanted to, but he left it on, just like he’d left it on through all of the commercials and trailers.
My Bloody Valentine 3-D was suddenly everywhere. Jensen had almost forgotten about it until recently, when all the promotion started. He’d almost forgotten that there was something else he could’ve been a part of, had his life not been turned upside-down. Now, here he was, watching someone else take his role, take his place, and smiling about it.
“Now, you weren’t the first person in mind for this role, am I right?”
“No, no, it just kinda fell into my lap. Someone else was signed on, but he backed out at the last minute.”
“Yeah, heard he had a little case of the, uh…”
Jensen felt anger and hurt cut deep when the host made a swirling motion with his index finger at the side of his head, laughter stirring the audience. It was the job of the host to make jokes at another person’s expense, but that person had never been him. And they didn’t even know… If only they knew. All the hell he’d been through, and now he was just “someone else” who had lost his mind and missed out on an opportunity. He swallowed hard, remembering the excitement of being involved in a 3-D horror flick and all the technology behind it. He could’ve been a part of it, but instead…
“What are you…”
Jared’s voice cut into Jensen’s thoughts, and Jensen hadn’t even realized that the shower had stopped running. His eyes stayed fixed on the TV, gloom settling over him. He could sense displeasure in Jared, and it was emphasized by Jared pulling the remote out of his hand and turning the TV off in the middle of a clip from the movie. The room went dark, except for the stray shafts of moonlight coming in through the curtains.
“You just forget about that,” Jared said quietly. His voice was soothing and supportive. “It’s not like you needed it, anyway.”
“No, but I wanted it,” Jensen answered, his own voice rough, gravelly. The tips of his fingers clenched in the sheets in frustration, distress. “I wanted it. I was ready, I had it planned, I had this whole life and career-”
“You still do,” Jared protested, cutting him off.
“It’s not the same!” Jensen snapped, his blood boiling a little now, a lump in his throat. “There are things I could’ve done, should’ve done, people I could’ve known, doors I could’ve opened. All of that’s just…gone, now.”
Jared sighed heavily. “I know.” He walked away from the bed, from Jensen, and over to the window, bits of skin and the white of the towel around his waist illuminated there in the moonlight. He stood looking out, arm up over the window, leaning. “Everything went so wrong. Relationships, the attacks, the movie…” He paused and sighed again. “Kinda makes you wish none of this ever happened, huh?”
“Kinda?” Jensen scoffed. “That’s an understatement. If I could erase the past year, I would.”
Jared’s head dropped down between his shoulders. “Yeah. Because nothing good came out of it, right?”
Jensen’s breath caught, and he froze suddenly. It him then what he’d said, what he’d been saying and thinking. He immediately felt sorry, and looked towards Jared, watching him push off of the window and turn back around.
“You’d just erase it all,” Jared continued, the hurt evident in his voice. “Even though your relationships are fixed, your body is healed, and you made it through the whole thing with me. You’d change it all just so you could be in one 3-D movie.”
“Jared,” Jensen started and then stopped, feeling a little like a deer caught in headlights. He wondered if Jared could see the expression on his face from where he was standing. He cleared his throat, and when he spoke again, his voice was soft and weak. It was guilty. “I didn’t mean it like that.”
“How’d you mean it, then?” Jared asked, tone a bit gentler as he walked back and climbed up onto the bed. “Jensen.” Jared’s hand fell over Jensen chest, warm and familiar. “We’ve been over how terrible everything that happened was over and over again. We’ll probably be doing it for the rest of our lives, because it’s not like it wasn’t a big deal. But if that never happened, where would you be?”
Jensen closed his eyes and sighed, shoulders slumping. “On TV with some douche bag who makes a living cutting people up.” He looked up at Jared, just barely able to make out his expression from this close up in the dark. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said those things.”
“Yeah, you shouldn’t have,” Jared said, dropping his hand away and lying down beside Jensen. “I don’t mean to be a bitch, Jensen, but I went through everything you did, saved your life, and fell in love with you. I’ve been here through everything, even all this aftermath, and I know it’s not easy for you to see the kind of thing you just saw. But it’s not easy for me to feel like you’re saying I’m not enough for you.”
“No, no, no.” Jensen felt a pang in his heart that was much worse than anything he could feel after some guy on TV made fun of him. He slid down beside Jared and turned to face him. “You’re not a bitch.” He laughed bitterly at himself, rubbing a hand over his face. “I’m just an asshole. I let it all go to my head.” He hesitantly trailed his fingers over Jared’s arm. “Guess that’s why I need you to balance me out and knock me down every once in a while, right?” He moved his body closer to Jared’s, trying to ease the pain. “I’m so-”
“Stop it.” Jared cut Jensen off, wrapping strong arms around him and kissing the top of his head. “It’s alright. I told you a long time ago to stop apologizing.”
Jensen closed his eyes and nuzzled into Jared’s neck. “Doesn’t mean I can’t still fuck up later and have to apologize for something else. And just for the record, if I really could erase anything, it’d be everything I just said before the apology.”
“I know,” Jared said quietly, wrapping him up tighter. “Hey, it’s like you said. That’s what I’m here for; to balance you out.”
“Yeah, but you’re not my own personal punching bag. So, I’m sor-HEY!” Jensen flinched and laughed, Jared’s fingers pinching at his side.
“Just for the record,” Jared murmured into Jensen’s hair, “I did let you apologize once already. Try a fourth time, and you’re in trouble.”
Jensen pulled back and raised his eyebrows. “We talkin’ misdemeanor trouble or squeal like a pig trouble?”
Jared smiled in the dark, the white of his teeth just showing. “Real funny, Dean.” He reached out and ruffled Jensen’s hair. “You’re so cute.” The smile dropped, then, and Jared’s fingers pushed more smoothly through Jensen’s hair. “How long have you been watching that stuff, anyway?”
Jensen shrugged. “It’s been going on the past couple of weeks. I guess I just let it build up in me.” He looked up at Jared and started to smile again. “I’m sorry.”
Jared grinned and shook his head, “What’d I tell you?” He emphasized the word with a slap to Jensen’s rear, and Jensen laughed out loud.
“You think that’s gonna stop me?” Jensen tilted his head to the side and smirked. “Sorry, Jared.”
Jared pushed him that time, and Jensen pushed right back, leading to an impromptu wrestling match on the bed, Jared eventually pinning Jensen and moving in for a kiss. Jensen opened up for Jared, humming pleasantly around the slick warmth of Jared’s tongue. His eyes were closed when they pulled apart, the soft, wet smack of their lips separating the only sound in the room, Jared’s hands firm but gentle over his wrists. Jensen’s eyes slowly fluttered open, meeting Jared’s, and even in the darkness of the room, Jensen could see the depth of Jared’s love for him there. He smiled and slipped his bare foot up Jared’s calf.
“Get rid of that fucking towel.”
I've been MIA, and I've gone back and forth about trying to keep this thing mostly separate from my real life, but I think I've started to give up on that. I feel like I'm always making posts like this about me being away, but as I've said before, times have been rough, and they've recently been worse.
I stayed away from this LJ for a while, popping on every now and again to reply to comments or leave one or two, but that's been extremely rare. I've pretty much fallen out of writing, which is why I'm posting this now, starting with something somewhat familiar and simple. It's part of a 'verse I've written a lot of, and it's not too complicated. And I kind of feel like I've been making the mistake Jensen makes in this over and over again lately, because sometimes it's hard to remember the good things, which can be really unfair, but it happens. Sometimes, even though it isn't fair, it's hard to sit down and say, "Maybe life sucks, but I still have these awesome people around me that I'd be lost without, so I should just stop bitching and be happy with my life."
A few weeks ago, my grandmother passed away. It was the end of a long and terrible battle that had so many ups and downs. We'd said goodbye to her so many times, only to have her bounce back again. After a while, I realized I wouldn't believe that she was really dying until she was actually gone. Now that she is, I'm not dealing with it all that well. I guess I'm dealing with it well enough, but I feel sort of stuck in a state that I'm not happy with. I don't feel that I have unfinished business with her, and the one thing that I am relieved about is that she's not suffering anymore. But this is the first time I'm dealing with the loss of someone close to me, and I'm floundering a bit. It's hard for life to feel normal when you still selfishly feel like everything should just stop, just to recognize how much your own life has changed. And I guess it doesn't help that I still have a close friend who's in the midst of battling a terrible disease.
I've said so many times that I wanted to erase this year, and I still think that often. But, while I don't have a significant other to lean on like Jensen does in this fic, I do still have other friends and family who have done much more than what's necessary to help me, so I think I owe all of them a pretty big apology. It's just hard to stop bitching sometimes.
I feel like I made this fic sound like it's something profound, but it's not, really. I kind of felt like I needed to strap the training wheels on again, and then maybe I can get back to the larger unfinished fics I have on my laptop.
Also, I have to add that I've still been able to turn Supernatural on and get sucked into a world that I thoroughly enjoy. I'm loving this season, and I am so looking forward to the meta episode this week that will bring me many, many lols. Harsh my squee or bash anybody, and I will kill you. :)
♥
Title: Late Night
Fandom: RPS
Characters/Pairings: Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki
Prompt: 074. Dark.
fanfic100 table: here
Word Count: 1,482
Rating: R
Warnings: Language and foreplay? Some angst.
Summary: Previews and interviews for My Bloody Valentine make Jensen think about what his life could have been. Jared intervenes.
Author's Notes: Part of the Forty-Three Days 'verse.
Jensen sat with his back up against the headboard of the bed, eyes fixed on the TV, remote in hand. He’d never watched TV all that much, but lately he’d been turning it on whenever possible. He wasn’t sure why he did it, because it never made him feel good. It made him feel just the opposite.
He turned the volume up over the sound of the shower running. It was just his luck that he’d stumbled upon a late night talk show featuring the one person who put a bitter taste in his mouth. The guy sat in the chair beside the host, all smiles and charm. Jensen should’ve turned it off, wanted to, but he left it on, just like he’d left it on through all of the commercials and trailers.
My Bloody Valentine 3-D was suddenly everywhere. Jensen had almost forgotten about it until recently, when all the promotion started. He’d almost forgotten that there was something else he could’ve been a part of, had his life not been turned upside-down. Now, here he was, watching someone else take his role, take his place, and smiling about it.
“Now, you weren’t the first person in mind for this role, am I right?”
“No, no, it just kinda fell into my lap. Someone else was signed on, but he backed out at the last minute.”
“Yeah, heard he had a little case of the, uh…”
Jensen felt anger and hurt cut deep when the host made a swirling motion with his index finger at the side of his head, laughter stirring the audience. It was the job of the host to make jokes at another person’s expense, but that person had never been him. And they didn’t even know… If only they knew. All the hell he’d been through, and now he was just “someone else” who had lost his mind and missed out on an opportunity. He swallowed hard, remembering the excitement of being involved in a 3-D horror flick and all the technology behind it. He could’ve been a part of it, but instead…
“What are you…”
Jared’s voice cut into Jensen’s thoughts, and Jensen hadn’t even realized that the shower had stopped running. His eyes stayed fixed on the TV, gloom settling over him. He could sense displeasure in Jared, and it was emphasized by Jared pulling the remote out of his hand and turning the TV off in the middle of a clip from the movie. The room went dark, except for the stray shafts of moonlight coming in through the curtains.
“You just forget about that,” Jared said quietly. His voice was soothing and supportive. “It’s not like you needed it, anyway.”
“No, but I wanted it,” Jensen answered, his own voice rough, gravelly. The tips of his fingers clenched in the sheets in frustration, distress. “I wanted it. I was ready, I had it planned, I had this whole life and career-”
“You still do,” Jared protested, cutting him off.
“It’s not the same!” Jensen snapped, his blood boiling a little now, a lump in his throat. “There are things I could’ve done, should’ve done, people I could’ve known, doors I could’ve opened. All of that’s just…gone, now.”
Jared sighed heavily. “I know.” He walked away from the bed, from Jensen, and over to the window, bits of skin and the white of the towel around his waist illuminated there in the moonlight. He stood looking out, arm up over the window, leaning. “Everything went so wrong. Relationships, the attacks, the movie…” He paused and sighed again. “Kinda makes you wish none of this ever happened, huh?”
“Kinda?” Jensen scoffed. “That’s an understatement. If I could erase the past year, I would.”
Jared’s head dropped down between his shoulders. “Yeah. Because nothing good came out of it, right?”
Jensen’s breath caught, and he froze suddenly. It him then what he’d said, what he’d been saying and thinking. He immediately felt sorry, and looked towards Jared, watching him push off of the window and turn back around.
“You’d just erase it all,” Jared continued, the hurt evident in his voice. “Even though your relationships are fixed, your body is healed, and you made it through the whole thing with me. You’d change it all just so you could be in one 3-D movie.”
“Jared,” Jensen started and then stopped, feeling a little like a deer caught in headlights. He wondered if Jared could see the expression on his face from where he was standing. He cleared his throat, and when he spoke again, his voice was soft and weak. It was guilty. “I didn’t mean it like that.”
“How’d you mean it, then?” Jared asked, tone a bit gentler as he walked back and climbed up onto the bed. “Jensen.” Jared’s hand fell over Jensen chest, warm and familiar. “We’ve been over how terrible everything that happened was over and over again. We’ll probably be doing it for the rest of our lives, because it’s not like it wasn’t a big deal. But if that never happened, where would you be?”
Jensen closed his eyes and sighed, shoulders slumping. “On TV with some douche bag who makes a living cutting people up.” He looked up at Jared, just barely able to make out his expression from this close up in the dark. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said those things.”
“Yeah, you shouldn’t have,” Jared said, dropping his hand away and lying down beside Jensen. “I don’t mean to be a bitch, Jensen, but I went through everything you did, saved your life, and fell in love with you. I’ve been here through everything, even all this aftermath, and I know it’s not easy for you to see the kind of thing you just saw. But it’s not easy for me to feel like you’re saying I’m not enough for you.”
“No, no, no.” Jensen felt a pang in his heart that was much worse than anything he could feel after some guy on TV made fun of him. He slid down beside Jared and turned to face him. “You’re not a bitch.” He laughed bitterly at himself, rubbing a hand over his face. “I’m just an asshole. I let it all go to my head.” He hesitantly trailed his fingers over Jared’s arm. “Guess that’s why I need you to balance me out and knock me down every once in a while, right?” He moved his body closer to Jared’s, trying to ease the pain. “I’m so-”
“Stop it.” Jared cut Jensen off, wrapping strong arms around him and kissing the top of his head. “It’s alright. I told you a long time ago to stop apologizing.”
Jensen closed his eyes and nuzzled into Jared’s neck. “Doesn’t mean I can’t still fuck up later and have to apologize for something else. And just for the record, if I really could erase anything, it’d be everything I just said before the apology.”
“I know,” Jared said quietly, wrapping him up tighter. “Hey, it’s like you said. That’s what I’m here for; to balance you out.”
“Yeah, but you’re not my own personal punching bag. So, I’m sor-HEY!” Jensen flinched and laughed, Jared’s fingers pinching at his side.
“Just for the record,” Jared murmured into Jensen’s hair, “I did let you apologize once already. Try a fourth time, and you’re in trouble.”
Jensen pulled back and raised his eyebrows. “We talkin’ misdemeanor trouble or squeal like a pig trouble?”
Jared smiled in the dark, the white of his teeth just showing. “Real funny, Dean.” He reached out and ruffled Jensen’s hair. “You’re so cute.” The smile dropped, then, and Jared’s fingers pushed more smoothly through Jensen’s hair. “How long have you been watching that stuff, anyway?”
Jensen shrugged. “It’s been going on the past couple of weeks. I guess I just let it build up in me.” He looked up at Jared and started to smile again. “I’m sorry.”
Jared grinned and shook his head, “What’d I tell you?” He emphasized the word with a slap to Jensen’s rear, and Jensen laughed out loud.
“You think that’s gonna stop me?” Jensen tilted his head to the side and smirked. “Sorry, Jared.”
Jared pushed him that time, and Jensen pushed right back, leading to an impromptu wrestling match on the bed, Jared eventually pinning Jensen and moving in for a kiss. Jensen opened up for Jared, humming pleasantly around the slick warmth of Jared’s tongue. His eyes were closed when they pulled apart, the soft, wet smack of their lips separating the only sound in the room, Jared’s hands firm but gentle over his wrists. Jensen’s eyes slowly fluttered open, meeting Jared’s, and even in the darkness of the room, Jensen could see the depth of Jared’s love for him there. He smiled and slipped his bare foot up Jared’s calf.
“Get rid of that fucking towel.”