Don't hate us because we're prolific ;_;

[voice_for_you]

Who: Temari and Shikamaru
Where: their apartment
When: November 19, 2007, after this convo.
Warnings: All of them, as usual. The general angsty ShikaTema stuff. Le sigh.
Open?: Is done.



So Temari wanted to talk. That didn't come as a big surprise to Shikamaru. Actually, he had seen this coming for a while, now; she felt he was holding shit back, hiding things from her, and he was. But he didn't feel like it was necessary to tell her everything that was on his mind. Most of it she probably didn't want to hear, other things she would probably tell him he was crazy. It also seemed that being honest around here caused a lot of unwanted problems, and he was getting her involved in shit she really didn't even need to know about.

He had been trying to hide the fact he wasn't telling her things, put off mentioning whatever it was that was bothering him, but now, as she waited for him in the living room on the couch, it was either the time to tell her whatever she thought she needed to hear or possibly lose her over his need for secrecy, and the latter was something he couldn't have, especially with a kid on the way. A kid. He still couldn't get over that; as much as he knew they would both be the best parents they could be, as much as he knew they would love their little girl, he just wasn't ready for this. He actually felt like he couldn't fucking do it, but then automatically afterward, he would remind himself he really had no choice. And it was strange how suddenly this was all happening. He just couldn't comprehend how, in such a short time, his easy, wonderful life had become so damn difficult, so confusing. And now he was actually married; it still hadn't sunk in. None of it had. He had no problem calling her his wife, telling people his baby was going on two months, but this still all seemed like some sort of strange daydream.

Moving away from the computer desk, heaving a sigh as he stood, Shikamaru hesitated for a brief moment before he left the room, joining Temari in the living room. Approaching the couch, he frowned and took a seat beside her, leaning on the armrest. He didn't say anything, though, as much as it was probably his place to do so, he just couldn't bring himself to start this talk, because honestly, he would have done anything to avoid this conversation, and maybe by now she had changed her mind. It was possible, but sadly, that wasn't something in Temari's character.

When Shikamaru wheedled every little secret out of her, even things she really didn’t need to be remembering, Temari found it quite unfair that he was hiding things from her. In fact, it infuriated her. She was his wife now, he shouldn’t have been keeping anything from her. But she had to stay calm. She couldn’t yell at him or hit him or any of that. She needed to talk about this logically, rationally, or else they weren’t going to make it anywhere. As she waited for him, she took deep, calming breaths, closed her eyes and just tried to remember how much she loved him, hoping that it would be enough to keep her from going insane on him.

He wasn’t ready. The concept was like a knife to the gut for her. After all he’d done and said…he wasn’t ready. After he’d proposed to her and they’d just been legally married…he wasn’t ready. And as much as she wasn’t ready, either, reluctant to give up the time she could be spending with him alone…she was ready to take the responsibility, at the very least. She could handle it, and would handle it, and she’d miss the things she had missed out on, but she would love her child and be the best mother she could possibly be. But it was different for her. She was nineteen, a good three years older than him, and closer to the age where one might even think about getting married and having kids. While not actually there by any stretch of the imagination, she was a whole lot close than he was. He…was still just a high school kid, even if he was in college, and she had known this. It was like her worst fears were proving to be true.

Feeling him sit next to her, she leaned over and circled her arms around his neck, leaning in to him. He didn’t want to talk, but he should have known that they needed to.

“We’re not having this child,” she said simply, softly, her voice low, trying to mask her sadness at the prospect. He wasn’t ready. She couldn’t force him to be a father. She wouldn’t.

"Yes we fucking are." Shikamaru replied, sounding a lot more annoyed than he probably should have, as he had a lot on his mind, and crossed his arms. He didn't look at her, even as she moved closer, embraced him; he really wasn't in the mood. For physical contact, for talking, for fighting her like he knew he would have to. But he made this happen. He got her pregnant, he insisted getting married, keeping the kid, all that shit. Whether she wanted to or not, whether he wanted to or not, no matter if they were ready or weren't, that was his kid and he wasn't doing something so inhumane. He wasn't taking his foolish actions out on that kid. And adoption wasn't an option for him, either, because once the child was born, it was his child, and he owed it to that baby to be a good father, or at least, not a horrible one. He wasn't ready, though, and that's what really got to him; he was so set on having this family, yet this didn't make him happy. He wasn't at all excited by the prospect, not this soon. But that subject was settled, and there was nothing that could be done about it, as far as he was concerned.

Another deep breath. She was already feeling frustrated, wanted to smack him, punch him…anything. Instead she leaned in a little more to kiss him lightly on the cheek, no matter how much he shied away from her. She needed to calm him down, open him up. She didn’t want to lose her child, either, but if neither of them were ready…was it really fair to bring a kid into this world? Could they really be good parents if all they did was regret it? Temari didn’t think so. If they were both miserable, they would suffer in raising their child, and then their kid would suffer from the lack of good parenting, and who knew what fucked up stuff would happen to their daughter?

“I don’t think we should,” she continued, voice still soft. “Why didn’t you tell me this before though? Why did you tell me you were ready for all this?”

"Because. I... Damn. I don't know. Because you were already pregnant. So what the hell did anything I said after than matter, anyway? You can't change that and I'm not fucking doing any shit like abortion or adoption. We did this shit and we should have to fucking deal with it." Leaning on his hand, Shikamaru let his gaze drift to the wall. He felt like saying he couldn't do this, but he could only say that very thing then contradict himself so many times.

He did realize that, yeah, they were young. And young people did make mistakes, but he liked to own up to his, and he wanted to do what was right. But the truth was, he had no fucking idea of the correct decisions anymore; neither of them were ready for a kid, but at the same time, if they made a choice to get rid of it, one way or the other, Shikamaru knew they would both be unhappy even then, wondering what if and obsessing over something they couldn't change. All the decisions were the wrong ones, and none were right. It really seemed like life was being really unfair to them right now, but Shikamaru knew how good he had it off, how, like Sakon mentioned, he was lucky. But still, he couldn't help but be overwhelmed by all these events as of late.

If only her touch was as reassuring to him as his was to her. But Temari knew this wasn’t a problem that was going to be easily fixed. Of course it wasn’t. By her calculations, he must have felt cornered by his morals and the situation. She pondered, oh so briefly, getting the abortion done and telling him she’d had a miscarriage. And he would blame it on a whole number of things that she’d done or he’d done, but he’d probably get over it and they could go on living their lives, try again at a more opportune date. Then it wasn’t like they had actually done it on purpose-well, she would have, be he wouldn’t know that-and so there’d be no moral question about it.

But she pushed that thought out of her head, for more reasons than one…although frightening to her, was that the idea of getting caught in the lie was the most prominent reason. Taking a marginal second was the fact that…she couldn’t do that to him. And while she owned up to her mistakes…all she could come back around to was how miserable their child would be.

“You needed to tell me this, though.” How she managed to keep her voice so quiet when she was so torn up inside was beyond her, but she thanked whatever gave her the power to do it. “We can work through it. You’re not ready now, but we have five months to get you ready.”

"Yeah, I know." And that was it; that was all he was saying concerning that subject. He had more thoughts on it, but probably nothing Temari wasn't already thinking herself; a lot of it was negative, some of it was good, but in the end, it just came down that they could do it, and he was content with that. Or altleast he was telling himself this.

And now they had to talk about other things, but where to start? At the moment, he had several things he could just up and toss at her. About Hidan; everything he had to say about that guy, everything that came from their involvement with him, would probably just make her think he was crazy, and not without good reasoning. He could go on forever about how he missed Asuma, but that didn't even matter in the end, because nothing was changing his death, and he knew this. He wasn't the only one missing him, either. He was still pissed how Ino reacted to this, how Kankurou was a little bitch, but fuck with that, he wasn't even really close with the guy. So he was leaving it up to Temari to ask something, suggest something. Because he didn't know where the hell to start, despite the fact this was really all about his lack of honesty with her.

As uncomfortable as he may have been with the topic, Temari was not ready to drop it. They had a lot to talk about, a lot about everything, and she didn’t want to skip. Before the night was over, she wanted at least a plan of action. She figured this was one of the bigger things on his list, and she knew it needed to be resolved as quickly as possible. She was stuck with him now, whether they liked it or not, even if something did happen to the baby. She really didn’t want to have to resort to lying to him, killing their child…then she would be nothing but a murderer.

“I’ll take her away for a little while, then,” Temari said softly, hating every second of the idea, just as much as she’d hated it when he’d suggested it. She brought a hand up, letting her fingers brush gently across his cheek, wishing he’d be a little more physically open, relax a little. “We can stay in Tokyo or go to America or something, and I’ll bring her back in three or four years, when you can handle it. I’d send you pictures and emails every week.”

Turning to give her an annoyed look, Shikamaru took Temari's hand and lowered it, shaking his head. "No. I'm not fucking doing that shit. If I'm fucking having a kid, I'm having it. That's my damn daughter, and I ain't doing that. No way in hell. I can handle it now. I will." He was serious, too; as much as he was alright with the concept coming from him, he had to think he could handle it better than Temari, too. Sure, she had practically raised her brothers, but he could still see himself handing this situation better than she could. He had no problem with his plans changing, where she, on the other hand, seemed absolutely devastated. She wanted to finish school, get her law degree, move to America. And from the sound of things, she still wanted to do it, with the way she went on about that place. And he didn't blame her. It was pretty damn difficult to drop everything you wanted to do with your life because of something like this, and so suddenly, too. He still wanted her to go, do whatever she wanted, be happy. But he also believed her when she said she would be miserable leaving her kid with him, and he felt the same way. He couldn't do that to her, to the kid, and he didn't even consider her offer.

More deep breaths. Temari mentally willed herself to not react to anger with anger, as she was so prone to do. But it was proving difficult, and she grabbed for his hand squeezing tightly, not letting go. “Then work with me. Stop pushing me away, like I can’t handle the truth, because all you’re doing is making shit worse.” Her voice raised a little, her tone a little more annoyed than it had been. More annoyed than she had intended. “Stop acting like you can handle all of this alone. You can’t. Heck, I can’t. And you don’t have to.” She figured that was what hurt her most, and probably a lot of what weighed down on him: it seemed like he tried to take every burden all by his lonesome. But she was his wife now, officially, as much as it had already felt like it before. Now he had no excuse not to come to her with his problems. She could help him, even if she only had a shoulder to offer. “I want to be here for you. Hun, I didn’t marry you just because of the baby. I love you, and I would have wanted to marry you eventually. I just…I don’t know what to do, short of begging you, to get you to let me be here for you.”

"I'm not fucking trying to push you away, Temari." Shikamaru replied quietly, with a sigh. He wanted to try and reassure her, but, as hard as he tried, he could think of nothing to say to her. And if he could think of anything, he was sure it would just be doubt, and he didn't want to hear Temari suggesting they get rid of the kid. Because he hated the thought of that, he hated the concept of throwing a child away, his child, at that, and he hated how Temari actually seemed to be considering it. He was well-aware this happened to a lot of girls; they would make a mistake, regret it, realize they couldn't live up to it, and they aborted the kid. It wasn't anything new, and it was hardly unheard of. Even Tayuya had just done it the other day, apparently. The dumb bitch. But unlike her, Shikamaru was going to own up to this, so abortion was out of the question, too. He had to wonder if that was still on Temari's mind, if she actually wanted to do it, but they still had time, and he could just ask later.

"This is ridiculous, Temari." He muttered, looking away from her again. "And I don't even mean the kid. I don't mean us. Just... everything lately here. I miss Asuma. I couldn't even kill that fucker... And I can't stop obsessing over that bastard... damn it, I don't want to fucking feel this way. I don't want to think it would be fun to kill someone. I don't want to like fucking torturing people. That's not right. This isn't supposed to happen. Life isn't supposed to be this way. It's supposed to be better." He leaned forward, bringing a hand up to run nervously through his hair. "I really did have a good life. I know I bitched a lot, and I know it could be worse. But I grew up without fucking watching people die and shit. I had a fairly normal life. And I can deal with it, but it just... it's weird all this happened."

It had been years since Temari had actually needed to act as the pillar of strength, but here she found it necessary again. Her boyfriend-no, her husband now-seemed to be on the verge of breaking, and she had so far done nothing to prevent it. Really, she should have figured. But this was what she had been wanting to hear and it hurt her to and extent, but didn’t devastate her. She wished he’d just be forward with his emotions like this all the time, so she wasn’t left guessing, or saying insensitive things. She could sort of understand, though. And now that she had a better idea of what was really weighing upon his mind, she could actually do something, and nearly breathed a sigh of relief at the thought.

“It is weird, I know,” she reassured him, back to her softer tone, almost cooing, as she readjusted herself into a more comfortable position. “I know it’s been tough on you, after Asuma and all, but…you have to think, would he want you to spend your life obsessing over this guy? If Asuma were here right now, what would he say to you? Because from everything I heard, I doubt it would involve lingering, trying to seek revenge against Hidan…you already tried twice, and yeah he’s still out there and yeah he’s still dangerous…but if you killed him, someone else would just step in to take his place. You’re not going to stop people like him from existing. And you can’t kill him, but you can prove him wrong. Show him you’re not like him, that it was a one time deal. It’s hard to fathom now, because it’s fresh and it still hurts.” She paused to take a deep breath, wondering how she had managed to keep from raising her voice this whole time. “Wait a while. I’m sure those urges will go away, and if they don’t…we can get you therapy. We just don’t have to tell them about Hidan. And I want you to finish school. Don’t worry about money, we can live off my savings for at least two or three years. I want you to finish school and get a job with the police. Put that genius of yours into helping bring guys like Hidan and Orochimaru to justice. At least, that’s what…I think you should do.”

“I'm not going to therapy. I'm not crazy." He replied, deciding against telling her he thought she probably needed it herself, and he did. After all the shit she had been put through, it was a wonder how she wasn't as outwardly fucked up as she probably was inside. But he really wasn't one to judge, anyway, with how badly he was taking all of this shit. But really, life did used to be fairly easy, even at the bad times, it was okay. And it wasn't only him. Finding out things about her, like her father, that man she was supposed to marry, it was all very sickening to him. He wanted to kill that guy, if her dad was still alive, he would want to kill him, he wanted to kill Orochimaru, he wanted to kill Hidan... and it wasn't happening. He just couldn't go around doing that shit because he would either get caught or, like Hidan said, he would probably start enjoying it, make it into some sick hobby. And it was so unlike him, but he didn't intend to hurt anyone innocent; just those fuckers who deserved it, but he reasoned with himself mentally, maybe they had families, maybe he would just be doing to someone what Hidan did to Asuma.

Trying to push those thoughts from his mind, he leaned back again, exhaling. Temari was right, though; this was a one time deal, and even if he knew there were a lot of people out there he would like to see die, it wasn't his place to make that happen. He didn't want to kill anyone, he didn't want to feel the way he had when he thought he had put Hidan to death. But it was new, he had time to get over this, and he would, he knew it. This was just all so overwhelming, all coming at him at once and so suddenly like it had. Things could be fine, they would be. Maybe not immediately, but it would be alright someday. "And I'm getting another job." He replied, giving her hand a light squeeze. "I can still finish school. I ain't dropping out. I'm going to take care of you guys." And he was. It was his place, he had to do it, even if he hadn't wanted to, he would do this, because it was the right thing to do; Temari certainly didn't make this kid on her own, and he wasn't making her take all the responsibility for it either. Even if something had happened, even if it wasn't his kid, because that didn't matter. Because as lazy as he was, as unmotivated as he was, if he said he was going to do something, he intended to live up to his promises.

“I’m just saying, we can live comfortably if you want to focus on your classes, just take a part time job,” she said softly, surprised at how she managed to keep her voice level, suggestive, not forceful or commanding. “We’ll be perfectly fine even if you can’t get a job. You know I’m going to give my daughter anything and everything she needs, so I wouldn’t say this if it weren’t possible.”

Craning her neck again, she planted a line of kisses up he neck and jaw and cheek, stopping there to nuzzle him gently. She was still worried about him, naturally, but now she had something to springboard off of. She wasn’t completely in the dark, because from everything he’d said, she was sure she knew what the big topics were: Asuma. Hidan. The baby. Sure, the trouble with Ino and the rest of his friends was all still there, and there were probably little things. She knew those things, or assumed them, and those were easy enough to deal with, although if Ino in particular didn’t stop being a brat, Temari might have to have a little talk with her. But other than that…she felt a lot better knowing what the problems were, and hopefully he wasn’t keeping anything else from her.

"I don't need to focus on my classes." Shikamaru replied quietly, bringing a hand up to rest on Temari's back, stroking gently. "You know I don't care about that shit enough." Not that he had to focus the least bit to get good grades. Even without picking a book up, Shikamaru could get a perfect grade on anything, no problem, but he didn't really put much effort into his schooling, even now. Somehow, somehow, he was managing to pass. And he wondered how he ever got through school doing those sorts of things, skipping occasionally, leaving the answers blank because it was all too troublesome to him. Still, though, he was going to be finished with college by the end of the year, having gone in early and taken the two-year program, which was practically no time at all. Then he could get to work, spend time with Temari, and they could prepare for the family. All the preparations seemed easy enough, and that was where his life didn't seem so hard. He knew he could have it a lot worse, he knew maybe he was still overreacting, and he was actually lucky to be able to have as much as he did; a lot of people couldn't have kids, at least now he knew that was never going to happen to them. He had his best friend, an amazing wife, and things really were decent. And now, with the simple fact Temari didn't seem to be pressing him as much as she had been moments ago, he had relaxed a little. As much as he second-guessed himself on it, things were going to be fine.

“Well, just keep it in mind is all,” she said, just wanting to be sure that he understood she really meant it and that, while it would be nice to have a little income, they were insanely lucky when it came to this little mistake. Most kids, when they got knocked up, their parents and friends disowned them and they didn’t get to finish school and they didn’t have any money since they couldn’t get a decent job. And with the state of living these days, to have both parents out of work was disastrous. But the money Temari had received from that family’s estate, including a nice chunk that she’d never known her mother had left her, that she’d found existed when she’d gotten in touch with Baki…well, in theory, they were wealthy, although they needed to use that money wisely and not throw it away. Most people waited until they had a good income and a steady job to have children. They didn’t have that liberty, so she knew they would have to hold on to as much of that money as they could in the off chance he couldn’t get a job, or it didn’t pay well enough. But… she knew they’d be okay. They had some emotional hurdles to tackle, and she was still attending therapy and making-as the therapist put it-amazing progress, if only for her bluntness and honesty, and once that was squared out of the way…

“I don’t hound you to be mean,” she finally admitted, glad that he seemed to be loosening up. “I just…I can’t help it, okay? I worry, and then I get frustrated, and then I do this, but it’s only because I love you.”

"I know." He replied, moving his hand up to mess with her hair. And he did. He knew Temari demanding this talk or whatever it was of him wasn't with any cruel intentions or anything of the sort. And he did need to be more honest with her, like he wanted to be. Like he thought the would. Usually, he didn't have a problem with telling her things, but when he felt like it would bother her or even hurt her, he decided maybe it was best to keep it to himself. After all, the problems, or whatever they were, with Asuma and Hidan- they weren't any of her concern, and he didn't feel the need to burden her with that. Being open about your feelings was one thing, but telling your wife you were, and right after getting married... it somehow didn't seem right. And it had nothing to do with her, the kid, the marriage. Any of it. He loved her, he was okay with getting married, having already practically considered her his wife, even after the short time they had been together, and the kid... well, they could be happy having the kid. The situation, though, the current events, the crap Hidan did to her. It all just sucked. What was done to her would probably take a while to get over, and he knew he would feel guilty about it for the rest of his life, having failed to warn her what kind of guy he was. But they were both smart enough to realize this could all be fixed, and he had faith it would, someday, which made it soon enough.

Smiling weakly, Temari sat back, stretched, and gave a yawn. She was still tired, whether she liked it or not. She had been so much more tired than usual lately, although she supposed it was good for her to be getting more sleep and the doctor didn’t seem to be worried at all about it. “That’s all I needed to hear, baby, unless you’ve got more you need to tell me…but if you don’t, what do you say we get to bed?”

"Yeah, I'm pretty tired, too." And he was, naturally, but he was also glad because that meant there was to be no more of this discussion, which probably meant Temari got what she wanted, and he trusted they wouldn't need to do this again tomorrow, which he was grateful for. Sure, he saw her concern the way he always tried to pry shit out of her, himself, but this was all too troublesome for him. And talking about his problems. Fuck, did he feel like a woman.

Standing, Shikamaru stretched slightly, and extended a hand to help Temari to her feet before continuing on to the bedroom.

Things weren’t getting any better for the two of them, and it frustrated Temari to no end, even though she knew that these things took time. But patience had and never would be her forte, so she’d have to learn to just grit her teeth and bear it until things did get better. She’d done well tonight, and hadn’t resorted to hitting him or anything, and she was pretty pleased with the results. She just wished that there was a faster way of fixing this. Taking his hand, Temari followed him to the bedroom, reluctantly letting go so that they could actually climb into bed together. She fell asleep there in his arms like always, wondering when she’d get him to finally open up to her.