All About My Hair

[totalvirility]

For years now, my hair has been a big issue. OK, so I have a very full head of hair, to put it mildly. In fact, I have a very, very thick head of very course hair that, untended to, will poof out of my head like a god damned pomeranian and keep going, further and further, until it has conquered the entire Eastern Seaboard within its soft,

Comments

Oh no you di'nt

[nuncstans]

You are NOT getting your hair "relaxed". Oh no. totalvirility, you have amazing hair. When my haircut DeGeneresated last week into an atomic mushroom cloud, did I go the way of beauty contestants, the entire WB network and every chunk-highlighted fatso who wanted "slimming" hair? NO! I took universaldonor's practical, cheap and easy advice, and stopped washing it.

You, anthrochica, and I all suffer from the same problem shared by hay-jews everywhere, as well as hay-asians and hay...mischlings, in general: hair that is neither "curly" nor "straight" and thus provoked a childhood full of identity-related trauma. We never got to rock a jewfro or, my personal favorite, a long mane of gelled spiral curls, yet at the first sign of humidity, POOF. Your hair is you, TV, so just accept it. If you get it relaxed, aka your scalp burned off with lye or some scented modern equivalent, I point at you in public and yell things like, Who is that handsome Aryan boy?

Re: Oh no you di'nt

[totalvirility]

Hey, I've not only stopped washing it, I've put this goddamned thick grease in it, and it still...doesn't seem to work. I dunno; I'm up for trying a relaxation. What if it's great?
What if you not only say "hey, who is that handsome Aryan boy,", but "Hey, who is that FUCKING HOT-ASS HANDSOME ARYAN MOTHERFUCKER?!".

Because then I can accept the Aryan mistake; after all, my Grandfather died in Auschwitz so that I might have relaxed hair.

oh boo-hoo

[claudelemonde]

My sis has the same "problem"--flowing, luxurious, abundant locks. Abundant like rippling fields of grain. AMERICAN hair. Whereas I, and the other starving, limply-locked inhabitants of Fine Thin Third-World-Haircountry, hate you. Do you KNOW what i have put in my hair to make it fuller? Do you KNOW? Pomade! Gel! Gelle! Mousse! Cream! Crème! Foam! Pomade! Unguent! Potion! Cholesterol! Placenta (it's in Pantene, ladies, for real)! Aloe! Elmer's glue! Hairspray, both aerosol and non-! Shellac! Lotion! Suntan lotion! Sunblock! Wax! Cocoa butter! Saltwater! Sea-saltwater! Bottled $1.50-an-ounce synthetic seawater! Friggin' BEER! Bah. Go 'way.

Re: oh boo-hoo

[totalvirility]

OK, but here's the thing (and I will in a second post a similar reply to Nuncstans): I don't have a full, flush head of nice, flowing hair. I have a fucking mass of coarse, poofy, unmanageable shit on my head. Do you know how many things I tried before ethnic pomade? The same damn list as yours, plus lots of shaving cream in a failed gutter-punk stage of high school, and my hair seriously defeated ALL of them. I mean, NOTHING stayed in my hair for more than about 2 hours before disappearing with its tail between its legs; even the Murray's, while long lasting, stops doing its job about halfway through the day.
It would be much different if I could call my hair 'locks' (which I can after the Murrays, for awhile), but it's mostly just undifferentiated mass. It isn't good.
Ideally, we would all have very, very thick heads of very, very fine hair, just like the first boy I ever hooked up with, , Jon, who had beautiful hair that all moved in a wave whenever he swished his head. You could actually hear the 'swoosh' sound

[3rdworldcinema]

I wanna str8n my hair too

[totalvirility]

Oh, but you have such nice curls!
They're, like, Grecian or something. Well, more Jewish, but they're not the half-breed fluff that I get.
Actually, I've always wanted your semetic good-looks, and I think I'm more deserving. I think we got each other's heads.

[3rdworldcinema]

haha; aw thats sweet

but y are you more deserving, motherfucker? cuz yur actualy a jew?

will I see you & yurs & yur & yur & his & theirs & hers & hers?

[anonymous]

I'm just reading this now, a little late, but had to comment. 3 months ago I got the "Japanese Straightening" done to my hair and it is AMAZING. I was scared, and expecting to think the results were only 'okay' and probably never do it again. However, I will never, ever go back to my normal hair again. I can't explain to you how wonderful it is. I haven't put a styling product or a hairdryer to my hair since I had it done, and its pin straight, shiny, soft as silk, and no slit ends or flyways.
Do it!!

[totalvirility]

Shit, who's this that's writing? Because I want to know more about this "Japanese Straightening"... is it expensive? Is it a really dramatic difference so that even people who like it will be like, 'damn, what'd you do to your hair', or can you sort of get away with it without having to say "i got it relaxed, which is extra-gay because I'm a boy"?
Hmmmm....I am very curious.

Its Pulga...

[anonymous]

Its not cheap -- I think with tip and everything, I ended up paying about $800. But I have really long hair - shorter hair is less expensive.
As I always dried my hair straight before anyway, if you didn't know me well, you probably wouldn't notice that huge of a difference. However, all my friends can't believe how much nicer it looks - all shiny and soft. Its definitely flatter, too - like your hair strands shrunk in the process.
It also takes hours. First you need to leave the chemicals in to break down the hair follicles, then once that's done, sections of about 1/2 an inch wide each have to be ceramic flat ironed 3 or 4 times. Then theres some more chemicals to stop the process.
Now my morning routine is 35 minutes shorter, which is great, and I never have a bad hair day.

Re: Its Pulga...

[totalvirility]

Sounds wonderful, but unless anybody has $800 for me, I'm fucked. I need a damned Sugar Daddy; my b/f is way too cheap.

The relaxer Ricky discussed was $40, which is still generally out of my price range, but I'm willing to splurge.