FIC: A Very Long Derangement, Part the First
Title: A Very Long Derangement (Part the First)
Rating: PG-13
Characters: Tim and Connor, with a side of the Bats, Arrows, and the rest of the usual suspects.
Summary: Tim and Connor are tired of people setting them up on dates. Perfectly good plans go terribly awry.
A/N: Split into two parts, the second of which will be posted tomorrow or Tuesday.
Connor sighs as his father once again goes about finding young women (and a few young men) to shove at him.
"You too then?" Robin asks, looking sympathetic. Connor raises an eyebrow. Robin smirks.
"Ever since Steph and I broke up last year, B's been oh-so-casually introducing me to people. Granted, he has more tact than your father when he does it, but it does get annoying."
"You'd think they'd understand simply not being interested in dating only for the sake of having a date."
"Exactly," Robin agrees, "although at this point I'm severely tempted just to make up someone in order to escape the matchmaking attempts of my extended family. Even Oracle's in on it now."
"Ollie's got my extended family in on it too. Really, it was bad enough when Roy took me to a couple strip clubs, but now Dinah's got her heart set on 'fixing me up' with someone too, and I think even Hal has been recruited for the task." Connor is so glad he and Robin can commiserate about this. No one else seems to understand. "Of course, if either of us were to start dating anyone seriously, you can bet they'd freak out."
"Absolutely. I'd have to be dating a saint for Batman not to go about attempting to scare them off and freaking at the slightest sign of intimacy."
"And Ollie would do the exact same. For all his playboy attitude, if it ever seemed I was actually coming close to losing my virginity, he'd be worrying himself to death." Robin sighs, and rolls his eyes.
"Fathers can be so overprotective. Sometimes I wish I could just convince Batman I was in a stable long-term relationship that involved some kind of sex, so he'd stop worrying about me having some kind of problem and getting hurt."
"I know!" Connor exclaims, "They worry because you haven't lost your virginity yet, and then they worry about you losing your virginity! It's completely irrational."
"Isn't it though? I just wish-" Robin stops and looks at him. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Connor slowly smiles.
"I think I am. It's brilliant! It will get them off our cases," he states. Robin nods.
"Right. We just need to come up with a plan to make it seem natural."
"Hmm," says Connor, "well, Ollie already teases me about e-mailing you." Robin smiles.
"That's a starting place. And there's no way Batman and Oracle aren't monitoring my e-mail, so we can make sure our 'secret affair' is 'exposed'. We won't even have to change our behavior any. We can just let them make assumptions." Connor nods.
"Right. The only hard part is figuring out what to write." Robin looks pensive for a moment.
"Maybe not. Do you know much poetry?" he asks. Connor raises his eyebrows.
"I know a bit," he replies, not quite seeing where this is going. Robin smiles.
"Excellent. Now, we'll write as we usually do, we don't have to change the content of our letters at all. Except, at the end, we'll add a suitably romantic poem. Then we just have to wait until Batman or Oracle notices and watch the fallout." Connor smiles.
"I think this could end up being exceedingly amusing," Connor states.
--------
Babs was doing a routine scan when she first noticed it.
Well, when she first noticed it for what it was. She'd noticed Tim and Connor exchanging poetry via email before, but she'd never paid enough attention to the type of poetry, clearly.
She'd written it off as being one of the weird traits that made the two such compatible pen-pals.
But really, she should have noticed. No one is that devoted a pen-pal, and Tim and Connor write each other every weekend without fail, and sometimes more often.
And poetry? Clearly not something you routinely send to 'just' a pen-pal. She should've noticed before this!
"Dinah!" she calls, and her friend puts down her chopsticks and takeout to come over.
"What is it?" Babs bites her lip. Maybe she's just imagining things, but...
"What do you think of this?" She asks, then begins to read aloud.
"'I love your throat, so fragrant, fair,
The little pulses beating there;
Your eye-brows' shy and questioning air;
I love your shadowed hair.
I love your flame-touched ivory skin;
Your little fingers frail and thin;
Your dimple creeping out and in;
I love your pointed chin.
I love the way you move, you rise;
Your fluttering gestures, just-caught cries;
I am not sane, I am not wise,
God! how I love your eyes!'." Dinah raises an eyebrow.
"Well, I don't know to much about poetry, is it Shakespeare or something?" she asks, sounding perplexed.
"No, Grimké, that's not important though. What is important is that it's in an email from Connor to Ti-to Robin." Dinah shrugs.
"Well, he probably just liked it."
"I would've thought that too, but Robin's reply had this in the post-script," Babs says, opening the file and pointing.
"Full of burning desire
I press your tender cheeks,
Sweet, beautiful Hyakinthos.
And your eyes I love to kiss
Because they are my morning stars
And the sun of the soul," Dinah reads. "Oh my," she says, "you don't think?"
"I don't think there's any other explanation. It's been going on for weeks too. And look, here's the first one. " Babs listens as Dinah reads quietly through the e-mail. It doesn't seem unusual at all, Connor talks about the events of the week, a book he'd read he thought Tim would enjoy, and then about being glad to have seen him. It's the post script that gets weird though.
"PS," Dinah reads "I die of love for him, perfect in every way,
Lost in the strains of wafting music.
My eyes are fixed upon his delightful body
And I do not wonder at his beauty.
His waist is a sapling, his face a moon,
And loveliness rolls off his rosy cheek
I die of love for you, but keep this secret:
The tie that binds us is an unbreakable rope.
How much time did your creation take, O angel?
So what! All I want is to sing your praises. " She pauses. "God, Connor," she says, sounding as surprised as Babs feels. It's perfectly clear what the poem is saying about Connor's feelings for Tim, and there is virtually no deniability to it. It had to have been quite a hard thing to send. "What was the reply?" Dinah questions, and Babs opens it up. Another seemingly innocent letter with a poem as postscript, and Babs and Dinah read it over silently.
'I would live in your love as the sea-grasses live in the sea,
Borne up by each wave as it passes, drawn down by each wave that
recedes;
I would empty my soul of the dreams that have gathered in me,
I would beat with your heart as it beats, I would follow your soul
as it leads.'
"My god," says Dinah finally. "That is just so romantic! I don't think I've ever seen anything so adorable."
"It is," Babs agrees, "I wish someone sent me love poems every week. But we also have a problem."
"Ollie and Bruce?"
"Ollie and Bruce," Babs confirms. "They don't exactly have a history of getting along well."
"That's an understatement. I can see why Connor and Robin have kept it so secret. How long has this been going on?"
"About a month and a half," Babs replies. "But Ollie and Bruce aren't the only thing to worry about. Check out this latest poem."
'Fish in the unruffled lakes
The swarming colours wear,
Swans in the winter air
A white perfection have...
Sighs for folly said and done
Twist our narrow days;
But I must bless, I must praise
That you, my swan, who have
All gifts that to the swan
Impulsive Nature gave,
The majesty and pride,
Last night should add
Your voluntary love.'
This was the one that had finally caught Babs' attention, because all Tim had e-mailed was the poem, nothing more. It was what made her look back through the previous e-mails in confusion.
"You think they slept together?" Dinah asks.
"I don’t know! It certainly sounds like it, but even I can't tell exactly where everyone is all the time, and Tim was out of surveillance long enough two days ago that it's feasible."
"Maybe it wasn't sex. Maybe it was… deciding to go steady or something."
"People don't 'go steady' anymore Dinah."
"It's Connor and Robin. They're weird like that. Which is why I think it's really unlikely they actually had actual sex. I mean, they're pretty much poster boys for virginity."
"Well, maybe not anymore."
"Well, I suppose we'll have to find out then. I take Connor, you take Robin?"
"Deal."
--------
Connor was struggling to keep a straight face. Dinah had pretty much kidnapped him for a 'day out', which had so far amounted to a morning of careful looks and awkward pauses.
Clearly, Tim's predictions on timing were pretty much perfect.
Dinah sits across from him in the diner booth, looking ready to burst with questions at any moment.
"So are you and Robin still pen-pals?" she asks finally, sounding casual. Connor forces himself to blush as much as possible.
"Oh. Yes. He's a wonderful correspondent," says Connor as awkwardly as possible. Dinah gives him a rather frightening shrewd look.
"Wonderful, huh?" Connor makes sure to fidget a bit.
"Yes, he writes quite well."
"So did'ya sleep with him?" Dinah asks, evidently going for the 'surprise him into answering' route.
"Ye-what?" Connor asks. He refrains from doing a victory dance at the shocked look on Dinah's face. Despite her question, she was looking for more of a 'not yet' answer.
"You- Connor. That's. Aren't you moving a little quickly?" she asks finally. Connor shrugs, and doesn't meet her eyes.
"I really like him. I. I love him, actually." Connor sneaks a glance upwards. Dinah's expression has gone soft.
"Well, I won't say I'm not still concerned, but okay. Do you get to know his name, at least?" Connor makes sure to give her a look.
"Yes." Tim had told him in fact. It was pretty vital to the plan working for Connor to know his supposed boyfriend's name, but still, it's nice to know his friend trusts him that much. Connor bites down on a smirk when he notices Ollie approaching them. Depending on what Dinah says next, this could be priceless.
"So," Dinah says in a teasing voice, "how was sex with the boy wonder anyways?"
"What?" is exclaimed, and Dinah turns, expression quickly changing to worry.
"I'm just going to go now," Connor says hurriedly, standing. As expected, Ollie pushes him gently back down onto the bench then sits beside him.
"You had sex?" demands Ollie quietly. His father seems really concerned. This is not going according to plan. The plan was to get him to stop worrying.
"Not exactly. Umm." Connor states, "We didn't, I mean. Not everything. Really can we all not talk about this?" Hopefully they'll just assume it was only oral sex, because Connor doesn't think he'll be able to actually say that.
Talking to Dinah is one thing, his father is a completely different one. He'd been hoping that Dinah would end up having this conversation with Ollie for him.
"It was Robin? Did he pressure you into it because I'll-"
"No! No, he would never. Everything we did was, umm, very consensual. We're. We've been dating." Now comes the proverbial 'get-out-of-jail-free' card: blame it on Batman. "We weren't - it was a secret, see, because Batman doesn't like him dating, or telling people his identity but we, we like each other an awful lot, so we decided to date anyways. So the, umm. It was consensual."
Ollie gives him a considering look, then snorts.
"Damn Bat. You're sure you're okay then?" Connor nods quickly. Ollie laughs and slings an arm around his shoulder. "Well in that case, it's about time! I was getting worried about you. In that case I'll leave you two to your lunches. I'm going to tell Mia and Roy the good news."
Connor smiles to himself. Mission accomplished. Now he won't have to worry about getting set up on dates for a long time.
-----
Tim knows exactly what's going on when Babs casually invites him over after patrol.
What he doesn't expect at all, is Bruce's presence. Though to be fair, from the whispered argument the two seem to be having as he enters, Babs didn't expect him either.
"What's going on?" he questions, and the two turn towards him.
"You slept with Connor Hawke," Bruce accuses. The best way to go about this is to be as calm and logical as possible with Bruce. Babs is probably already won over by the inherit cuteness of their poetry exchange. Tim lifts his chin.
"I don't see how that's any of your business, but yes," he states. Bruce glowers.
"It's my business when you're jeopardizing your secret identity for some-"
"Oh, please. Connor knowing my name is not going to jeopardize my secret identity any more than Ollie knowing yours already does," Tim points out reasonably, which just makes Bruce scowl.
"And," says Bruce, "he's much too old for you." Tim raises an eyebrow.
"He's only a few years older than me."
"You're sixteen. A few years makes a big difference at your age."
"Okay, now you're just making excuses. We both know I'm more than mature enough to handle this. So what exactly is your problem with me being in a relationship with Connor?"
"He's dangerous." Tim blinks.
"Excuse me?" Bruce opens his mouth. "No, wait. I don't even want to hear it. Being able to fight Shiva to a standstill is dangerous, yes. But he's not a danger to me."
"And you're so sure about that?" Bruce questions sarcastically.
"He may have fought Shiva to a standstill once, but I've beaten her before." Killed her, actually, and he still has to repress a shudder at the memory. "He's not going to hurt me on purpose, and if some kind of mind-control event happens, I could take him."
"I don't want you continuing this relationship," Bruce states finally.
"Well you don't get to decide that," Tim says, "I like him. He's good to me. I'm not breaking up with him just because you don't like it."
"He's good to you? He took your virginity, Tim!" Woah, okay, completely unexpected reaction there. Tim can't help it. He laughs.
"That's what you're worried about? And here I thought I remembered an extremely awkward conversation from a few months ago where you asked me to consider therapy."
"That's the point. Clearly you're uncomfortable with sexuality, and he's pushed you into this."
"None of you ever believed me when I said I was waiting for the right time and the right person!" Tim exclaims, getting annoyed now. "It was always 'Oh no he's traumatized let's get him therapy', 'maybe he's still pinning over Steph, let's shove random teenagers at him', 'let's have awkward talks about sexuality being a natural part of human existence', but now that I have found someone, you're unhappy?"
Babs and Bruce look at him, perplexed.
"Tim, I'm sure Bruce can be reasonable and see that Connor isn't going to harm you," Babs says, giving Bruce and meaningful look. "But I'm still a little confused. You mean you really just never wanted to have sex before now?"
Tim resists the urge to beat his head against the wall. He needs all the brain cells he has.
"It's not that I've never been - aroused," he states awkwardly, "Just, for me, it feels wrong to be that - intimate - with someone without a lot of trust, commitment, and love."
Oh, god. He sounds like a pre-teen girl. From Smallville. But Babs is giving him that 'aren't you adorable' look, and Bruce seems calmer, so all in all, this has went well.
No more matchmaking! He thinks with relief. No more matchmaking ever again.
-----
Things seem to be working out excellently. Connor feels guilty about lying, a bit, though really it's more of a lie of admission than anything. He and Tim keep adding poetry to the end of their emails, their families keep assuming they're dating. It's been over six months since anyone has tried to set him up on a date. All in all, it's a great plan.
Right up until his family notices he doesn't spend all too much actual time with Tim.
Tim shows up later that week, slipping in through his window just as he's about to climb into bed, to let him know his family's been having similar worries.
"Guess it couldn't work perfectly forever," sighs Tim, raking a hand through his hair, which snaps back into place so perfectly it's scary. He then peels off the Domino mask and blinks at him. "Any ideas?" Connor thinks for a moment, then shrugs.
"Got any nights free next week? We could hang out, make sure they notice it." Tim bites his lip. "I can probably manage Thursday before patrol if you can get to Gotham. Otherwise I don't have time to get out here and get back unless you want to hang out between 2 and 5 am," he says wryly.
"I can do Thursday," Connor says, because is schedule is far, far more flexible than Tim's has ever been, he imagines. "Where should I meet you?" Tim jots down an address and some directions to some kind of café for him.
"Is five good for you?" he asks.
"5 o'clock it is," Connor agrees, "I'll see you then."
Seeing Tim out of costume is… startling to say the least. He looks almost average, unless you know what to look for, and even then it's hard. It's really only his eyes that give anything away, and even then it's hard to pinpoint what in them it is that makes him seem… dangerous.
Tim smiles, and slides into the seat across from him, shrugging his jacket off and setting it beside him. With the jacket off, it's slightly easier to see his muscles, his scars. His eyes are drawn to the one on his arm. It looks particularly vicious, but he's never seen it before, it's always been covered by the cape.
"It's fairly recent," Tim says wryly, obviously noticing his gaze. "I wore long sleeves for a while, but it's getting warm enough that long sleeves would just draw more attention, and it's healed enough."
Connor really doesn't understand how Tim manages to keep his parents from finding out about Robin. It seems ridiculous that Tim can manage to sneak out practically every night of the week, to go all the way to San Francisco every weekend, without his parents noticing anything.
"How've you been?" Tim asks, breaking the awkward pause.
"Quite well, thank you. Yourself?" Tim smiles.
"Well enough." Just then a waitress appears.
"Here your menus. You boys want anything to drink to start off or should I come back in a minute?" Tim smiles at her, and orders a Zesti, and Connor asks for water. Looking at the menu, he's surprised to see everything is vegetarian, if not vegan. He glances up at Tim with raised eyebrows, who shrugs.
"I think I'll get a tofu burger, I hear they're pretty good here," Tim says off-handedly, and Connor is touched that his friend thought to find a vegetarian place for him.
It's really nice to spend time with someone who shares so many similar interests, Connor finds as the dinner progress. There's not a subject he can bring up that Tim doesn't know at least a little about. They're halfway through both dinner and a discussion on different styles of meditation when someone says:
"Tim? I though you were at football practice?" and something flickers across Tim's face too quickly to catch before he turns to smile at the man who'd spoken. A younger, blonde woman is standing beside him.
"Hi Dad," Tim says, and Connor is thoroughly floored. "Coach let us out early, and I ran into a friend."
The man, apparently Tim's father, raises both eyebrows.
"Oh. Mind if we join you then?" If Connor looks carefully, he can see the family resemblance. The woman doesn't really look much like Tim though, so Connor isn't sure if she's his mother or…
"Sure," says Tim, and if it weren't for the fact that Tim was being too-perfectly still Connor would think he was completely calm. Tim move his jacket and his father slide in beside him, giving Connor a measuring look from across the table. The woman sits down next to him with an apologetic smile.
Connor gets the distinct impression that this is not going to end well.
-----
It is only years of training with Bruce that allows his to appear perfectly calm. This situation is bound for disaster. It's practically a recipe: take years of lying about vigilante activities, add apparently suspicious father, mix in a fake boyfriend, add a dash of cancelled non-existent football practice and a pinch of concerned stepmother, and serve.
Recommended side dish: witness protection program.
There's a few, brief moments of awkward conversation, and then:
"I spoke with the coach today," says his father, and oh, great, let's add a bit of broken cover-story for flavour! Tim feels his stomach drop out of his body. "Is there something you'd like to tell us, Tim?"
Absolutely not. There is absolutely nothing good he can say here. He definitely can't say 'I told you I joined the football team to cover for the fact I'm a vigilante and work with Batman'. If he lies and says he'd been dating Connor secretly, his father would flip, possibly even more than if he told the truth.
He briefly toys with the idea of telling his father he'd been in rehab and Connor was his guidance counselor, but dismisses it, as it would still cause his father to flip, even if not as much as the first two options. Besides, Connor wouldn't be able to lie well enough to be convincing, and the paperwork he'd have to beg from Babs made it just not worth it.
"Well?" his father questions again, breaking the long silence. Tim quickly glances over to Connor, who grimaces for a moment, and nods eve-so-slightly. He'll back Tim up in whatever he says. Tim just has to figure out what to say.
"No?" Tim says, stalling for time while he comes up with something.
"No?" questions his father in a seething voice.
Unfortunately, just as he comes up with an elaborate lie involving junior and senior football teams, Bernard, and starting a chess club, his stepmother decides to intervene.
"Jack," she says firmly, and Tim watches the possibility of his wonderful new cover story get booted out the window. "Don't pressure him. Tim, honey, it's okay," she says gently.
"What's okay? That he lied to us to cover up for something and won't tell us what?"
"Jack! No, now Tim, we're disappointed that you felt you had to lie to us, but I understand that you were worried."
Oh, god, thinks Tim. Dana has apparently concluded that Tim has been secretly dating Connor and lying because he was afraid to come out of the closet. Which isn't exactly true, but isn't exactly not true either.
This is going to be a mess. He hates it when his vigilante life and his civilian life clash, and this will be a clash of epic proportions.
Tim gives Dana his very best pleading, puppy-dog eyes. He's borrowed this expression from Dick, and he knows it works 88% of the time. Dana hesitates momentarily, then gives Tim a firm look. Damn the extra 22%.
Dana turns to Connor, and Tim begins to pray to every deity he can think of.
"It's nice too meet you," she says, and offers her hand.
----
Connor shakes the woman's hand.
"It's nice to meet you too," he says. "I'm Connor." The best thing to do in almost every situation, Connor finds, is to remain calm. He's survived Ollie's chili, made vegetarian especially for him, and he can survive this. And come out of it with more taste buds intact.
"So how long have you and Tim know each other?" she asks.
"Uh, we've known each other a few years."
"Wait," says Tim's father, Jack. "What's going on here?" he asks dangerously. Apparently, he's beginning to get the same idea the woman - Tim's mother? Step-mother? Aunt? Cousin? - got a few minutes earlier. "Dana?" Oh thank goodness, a name. Now if he could only place her exact relationship to Tim, this would be easier.
"Jack. Tim has something important he needs to tell you, but you need to stay calm, okay?" Tim, for his part, has slumped down under the table as much as possible and has his head buried in his arms. "Tim?" questions Dana. Tim doesn't move at all. Tim's father looks about ten seconds away from going into shock. Dana looks utterly determined. Connor gives Dana a helpless look, and then gently tugs on Tim's arm.
"Tim, come on," he says gently. Tim looks up to glare at him balefully. He mouths something that looks like 'I would drink acid', and then slumps his head down again. This seems to be enough to push Jack over the edge.
"No. No, this is not happening. If this is some kind of joke you can cut it out, because it's not funny!"
"Jack!" hisses Dana, "we need to be supportive!"
"No, no we don't, because Tim isn't -- gay," he hisses back. Connor refrains from commenting that Tim actually identifies himself as bisexual. Besides, Connor suspects that Tim is gay, aside from being attracted to Stephanie, which is really quite reasonable because Stephanie is just a very attractive person in both looks and personality.
Tim doesn't move. In fact, Connor begins to worry that Tim isn't even breathing.
"Jack," says Dana gently, breaking the long silence.
"No, I absolutely refuse to hear about it! It's not true, look, you're embarrassing Tim with these ridiculous ideas! Tell her it isn't true, son."
Connor feels something tap his hand under the table. Tim's handing him something that feels like paper. Apparently, he's been slumped like that to cover the fact he was writing a note. Connor is impressed. Tim hadn't looked like he was moving at all. Tim's also handed him enough money to cover his half of the meal.
Tim glances up at his father, then sits up, and grabs Connor other hand and holds it tightly.
"Dad, I, uh, Connor and I are dating."
Silence reigns absolute. Connor notices absently that they seem to have attracted the attention of the rest of the diner. At table a few seats places away from him, a blonde teenager seems particularly riveted, while his female companion seems to be in shock.
Lovely.
Jack Drake glares at him. Connor gives him a small friendly smile.
"Not anymore you're not," Jack say forcefully, and grabs Tim's arm and tugs. "We're going home. Come on Dana." Tim struggles, but grabs his jacket.
"Dad!" he hisses. "Let go! You can't make-"
"Oh yes I can!"
"Jack," Dana says, standing, "be reasonable-"
"I am being reasonable, now come on, we're going!" And he gives her a push towards the door, then drags Tim out of the diner. Dana looks back at him apologetically and follows.
All eyes in the place focus on him. Connor sighs.
"Check please?"
-----
He thought explaining to Bruce why he was grounded and under tight enough surveillance that he couldn't sneak out had been bad. At least with Steph being back in costume now she could cover some of his patrols, and Bruce had already known about Connor and had been - well, not sympathetic, because then Tim would be checking his bed for pods, but he'd sounded like he was a bit angry on Tim's behalf, and Tim assured him it would only be for a few weeks, so all in all thinks were okay on that front.
Explaining to the Titans why he couldn't make it for the weekend was going to be a nightmare. Bruce had offered to tell the Titans that Robin wouldn't be showing up for an undetermined amount of time, but Tim had declined. In all likelihood, Bruce making a statement like that would end in Tim making a statement starting with 'rumours of my death have been greatly exaggerated'.
Tim decided to call the Tower first, and hope that it was Vic and not Kory or Gar who picked up the phone.
"Hey, Robin," says Vic, because apparently fate has decided he's had enough bad luck these past few days. "What's up?"
"I won't be able to come for next couple of months unless it's a real emergency. I'm grounded." Vic lets out a surprised sounding laugh.
"What'd you do? Crash the batmobile… again?" Tim sighs.
"No, my dad grounded me."
"Wait, your bio-dad? For what?" Well at least the Titans realize he does have a father, and he's not Batman, Tim thinks, looking back on his Young Justice days.
"Yeah, so he's keeping a lot closer of on me than usual. I can't even patrol right now so it'll be a while until I can sneak off for full weekends again." Vic whistles.
"Damn. What happened?" Tim goes for the quasi-truth, because it's better to tell the same lie to everyone.
"They caught me on a date with Green Arrow and were more than a little upset." There is a moment of silence.
"What the fuck?"
"The younger Green Arrow!" Tim says quickly. He's surprised that the gossip hasn't spread throughout the whole cape and cowl community, actually,
"Oh, okay, that make a lot more sense. You had me freaking out there for a second. Batman know?"
"Yes, yes. It's not exactly a secret, just-"
"Kon would act freaky, Bart wouldn't understand, Cassie would be way too supportive, Gar would laugh forever and Kory would ask you about a threesome," Vic finishes.
"Not quite how I'd phrase it, but pretty much," Tim agrees.
"I'll tell them you're grounded cause you crashed the Batmobile again."
"That would probably be best. Thanks, Vic."
"No problem."
Tim breathes a sigh of relief. Now he just has to figure out how to not go crazy from boredom during the next few weeks.
----
Connor feels rather bad for Tim's predicament, but at the moment he feels worse about his own.
Apparently, Oracle had seen the whole incident in the diner, and had called Dinah , who had in turn, called Ollie, Roy and Mia.
He knew his family was only trying to help, but Connor really didn't need to be 'comforted'. He needed even less to have Ollie and Roy offering to fly to Gotham and kidnap Robin for him.
The absolute last thing he needed, was when Kyle had showed up looking for him, and his family had practically shoved him at Kyle, to whom they'd said things like 'good to see you're here to support your buddy', 'I'm sure you can cheer him up', and the dreaded 'oh good! You can help us with the kidnapping!'.
Lian, the wonderful child, notices his distress, and had bosses the rest of the family out of the room to 'give him some space, people!', leaving him alone with an extremely confused Kyle.
"It's a long story, which I'll be perfectly happy to explain if you'll just get me as far away from here as feasible before they come back," Connor says. "please," he adds belatedly. Kyle shrugs, and pretty soon they're on the moon.
"Far enough for you?" he asks wryly. Connor nods. "So, what is going on?" Connor puts his head in his hands, glances over at his best friend, and then tells him everything.
By the end, Kyle is laughing so hard that he's crying, and he's rolling around in a fit, giggling like a small child.
"It really isn't that funny when it's happening to you," Connor says. Kyle just keeps laughing.
"Okay, okay, okay," Kyle says, slowly calming down. I'm sure we can figure something out. Because I think this has gone a little bit too far, don't you?"
"Oh, definitely," Connor says, relieved. With himself, Kyle and Tim, they're sure to find some way to make this all end well. "I almost forgot, here," he says, and hands Kyle the note from Tim. "Tim and I already thought things weren't really going as planned, and these are some of his ideas on how to end things."
Kyle reads over the note quietly, making little 'hmm' sounds, every now and then. Finally he looks up.
"Well, these are all fairly good ideas, though I notice honesty isn't any of them." Connor raises an eyebrow at him. "Okay, okay," Kyle says, "horrible idea, but I just thought someone should point it out."
Connor sighs. "I hate lying, and this wasn't exactly a good idea in the first place, but I'm not about to confess now." Kyle nods sympathetically.
"That's probably wise. Now, let's go over each of these and see what we think."
-----
Fate, it appears, has not given up on torturing him, because as he arrives at school, Bernard and Darla both rush up to him and hug him.
Apparently, they'd been at the diner. He really should've noticed that, though in his defense he was extremely busy at the time and also spent half of the ordeal with his face smushed against the table.
Still, he should have foreseen this. After all, Bernard had been the one to mention the place with the great vegetarian tofu burgers to him.
"Guys, guys, I'm fine," Tim protests. "Really, I'm alright."
They blatantly ignore him. Bernard is chattering on about GLAAD and the Gay/Straight Alliance at school and knows enough about this to make Tim more than a little suspicious considering Bernard's earlier 'modern, enlightened men' speech.
Darla, for her part, keeps going on about how it's so romantic and asking questions to quick for him to answer.
"Guys! Guys! Guys! I'm okay. His name is Connor. We met at a chess tournament. We've been dating for half a year. I'm grounded until I graduate. I'm pretty sure I'm bisexual. And yes, Bernard, Steph does exist. I'm just not dating her anymore. "
Bernard and Darla exchange looks, and then look at him, considering something, apparently. Tim is very wary about the gleam in their eyes. They each grab one of his arms.
"We're taking you to the guidance counselor," Darla says firmly. Tim sighs, and allows them to frog-march him there, giving a few token protests.
Tim doesn't actually get to say anything once he gets there though. Every time he starts to open his mouth, either Bernard, Darla, or both of them elbow him sharply. Looks like not going on patrol doesn't mean any fewer bruises.
With suspiciously little effort, Bernard and Darla convince the counselor that Tim should be let out of all his classes today, and they should accompany him for 'moral support'. They leave the office with three excuse slips. Tim is exceedingly confused.
"Alright," says Darla, "time for some of the best kind of therapy: shopping."
"Oh, no," says Tim, stopping dead. Bernard and Darla tug at him.
"Please," drawls Bernard, "your clothing? It puts gay men everywhere to shame. Clearly this is something we must fix."
Tim sighs, and allows himself to be tugged along. He has a feeling he's going to regret this.
------
Kyle frowns at him.
"You see, this plan is good," Kyle says, "except that no one's going to believe you."
"Why's that?" asks Connor. Kyle sighs.
"Connor. Relationships simply don't end that well. Saying that you both decided you'd be better off as friends is only going to leave them thinking there's something deeply wrong. Because no matter how many times people say 'let's be friends' as they break up, it just doesn't work, and it's a long time before you can have any kind of friendship with them." Connor frowns.
"But surely if we just explain," he begins, but Kyle shakes his head.
"Sorry. It isn't going to work." Connor sighs.
"Alright. I'll call Robin for a minute, see if he has any ideas." He pulls out the cell phone Tim had given him so they could call each other without having their conversations recorded.
"Hello?" answers Tim, sounding strained. There is bright, chattery background noise coming through too, filling the silence of space.
"Where are you?" Connor, asks, confused, because he was hoping to catch Tim between classes, but that doesn't sound like school.
"Shopping, long story."
"Okay. I've recruited Kyle to help us?"
"Needed to get some things off your chest?"
"Something like that. Anyways, we were wondering about the whole breakup thing, but I'm going to assume you can't talk about that right now. With friends?"
"Yes, I understand," Tim says, and Connor catches on.
"I see. So you'll be telling the civilians we broke up now because of yesterday."
"I-yes," Tim says, sounding sad. Clearly the undercover work he's done has made him an excellent actor.
"Alright. I'll call again later?"
"Okay, Goodbye then." Tim hangs up.
"Well," says Kyle, "that wasn't helpful, but I've got an idea. One that would make a mutual break up actually make sense. But I'll warn you, it's embarrassing."
-----
By the time he's done shopping, he's incredibly glad to be home, even with his father being angry. Telling Bernard and Darla that Connor had broke up with him had only made their shopping plans include feeding him ice cream, milkshakes and frozen yogurt at every turn. He felt heavy, exhausted, and just wanted to go to bed.
Naturally then, Dana is waiting to have a talk with him as he gets in the door.
He ends up telling her that it was his and Connor third date, and he was pretty sure there weren't going to be any more now but that was okay because it wasn't like he was in love with him or anything, they were just friends and figured they might try the dating thing and see how it went.
She ends up baking him cookies. They aren't anywhere near as good as Alfred's, but he does appreciate the effort. When he finally manages to get away from her and his father after dinner. His plans consist of sleep, sleep, and more sleep so this week can be over with already.
Instead, he finds Steph sitting on his bed. Tim blinks. She beams at him.
"Hey Boy Not-so-virgin-anymore. You've had some tough luck recently."
"Steph, why is your hair short and black?" he asks, already dreading the answer. Steph grimaces.
"I'm supposed to be you. I really don't think B is fooling anyone with the hair, which I sacrificed for the noble cause of covering for your absence, so you'd better be grateful buddy. Anyways, as I was saying, I think the boobs make it a bit obvious I'm not you, but-" Steph shrugs. "Anyway, it's only temporary. But still totally cool. Although I am sorry that it's because your life is majorly sucking right now."
"Thanks?" Tim says weakly. Steph beams again, and hugs him.
"Anyhow, got to go, just thought I'd let you know so you wouldn't see it in the Enquirer or something."
"… okay then," Tim agrees, and Steph climbs out his window with a wave.
Of course, then his phone rings. He picks it up with dread. Luckily, it's only Connor, because if it had been anything else weird and/or unfortunate in such a short period of time, Tim would've had a stroke.
"So," Connor says, "Kyle and I have come up with a plan."
-----
Continue to Part the Second
Rating: PG-13
Characters: Tim and Connor, with a side of the Bats, Arrows, and the rest of the usual suspects.
Summary: Tim and Connor are tired of people setting them up on dates. Perfectly good plans go terribly awry.
A/N: Split into two parts, the second of which will be posted tomorrow or Tuesday.
Connor sighs as his father once again goes about finding young women (and a few young men) to shove at him.
"You too then?" Robin asks, looking sympathetic. Connor raises an eyebrow. Robin smirks.
"Ever since Steph and I broke up last year, B's been oh-so-casually introducing me to people. Granted, he has more tact than your father when he does it, but it does get annoying."
"You'd think they'd understand simply not being interested in dating only for the sake of having a date."
"Exactly," Robin agrees, "although at this point I'm severely tempted just to make up someone in order to escape the matchmaking attempts of my extended family. Even Oracle's in on it now."
"Ollie's got my extended family in on it too. Really, it was bad enough when Roy took me to a couple strip clubs, but now Dinah's got her heart set on 'fixing me up' with someone too, and I think even Hal has been recruited for the task." Connor is so glad he and Robin can commiserate about this. No one else seems to understand. "Of course, if either of us were to start dating anyone seriously, you can bet they'd freak out."
"Absolutely. I'd have to be dating a saint for Batman not to go about attempting to scare them off and freaking at the slightest sign of intimacy."
"And Ollie would do the exact same. For all his playboy attitude, if it ever seemed I was actually coming close to losing my virginity, he'd be worrying himself to death." Robin sighs, and rolls his eyes.
"Fathers can be so overprotective. Sometimes I wish I could just convince Batman I was in a stable long-term relationship that involved some kind of sex, so he'd stop worrying about me having some kind of problem and getting hurt."
"I know!" Connor exclaims, "They worry because you haven't lost your virginity yet, and then they worry about you losing your virginity! It's completely irrational."
"Isn't it though? I just wish-" Robin stops and looks at him. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Connor slowly smiles.
"I think I am. It's brilliant! It will get them off our cases," he states. Robin nods.
"Right. We just need to come up with a plan to make it seem natural."
"Hmm," says Connor, "well, Ollie already teases me about e-mailing you." Robin smiles.
"That's a starting place. And there's no way Batman and Oracle aren't monitoring my e-mail, so we can make sure our 'secret affair' is 'exposed'. We won't even have to change our behavior any. We can just let them make assumptions." Connor nods.
"Right. The only hard part is figuring out what to write." Robin looks pensive for a moment.
"Maybe not. Do you know much poetry?" he asks. Connor raises his eyebrows.
"I know a bit," he replies, not quite seeing where this is going. Robin smiles.
"Excellent. Now, we'll write as we usually do, we don't have to change the content of our letters at all. Except, at the end, we'll add a suitably romantic poem. Then we just have to wait until Batman or Oracle notices and watch the fallout." Connor smiles.
"I think this could end up being exceedingly amusing," Connor states.
--------
Babs was doing a routine scan when she first noticed it.
Well, when she first noticed it for what it was. She'd noticed Tim and Connor exchanging poetry via email before, but she'd never paid enough attention to the type of poetry, clearly.
She'd written it off as being one of the weird traits that made the two such compatible pen-pals.
But really, she should have noticed. No one is that devoted a pen-pal, and Tim and Connor write each other every weekend without fail, and sometimes more often.
And poetry? Clearly not something you routinely send to 'just' a pen-pal. She should've noticed before this!
"Dinah!" she calls, and her friend puts down her chopsticks and takeout to come over.
"What is it?" Babs bites her lip. Maybe she's just imagining things, but...
"What do you think of this?" She asks, then begins to read aloud.
"'I love your throat, so fragrant, fair,
The little pulses beating there;
Your eye-brows' shy and questioning air;
I love your shadowed hair.
I love your flame-touched ivory skin;
Your little fingers frail and thin;
Your dimple creeping out and in;
I love your pointed chin.
I love the way you move, you rise;
Your fluttering gestures, just-caught cries;
I am not sane, I am not wise,
God! how I love your eyes!'." Dinah raises an eyebrow.
"Well, I don't know to much about poetry, is it Shakespeare or something?" she asks, sounding perplexed.
"No, Grimké, that's not important though. What is important is that it's in an email from Connor to Ti-to Robin." Dinah shrugs.
"Well, he probably just liked it."
"I would've thought that too, but Robin's reply had this in the post-script," Babs says, opening the file and pointing.
"Full of burning desire
I press your tender cheeks,
Sweet, beautiful Hyakinthos.
And your eyes I love to kiss
Because they are my morning stars
And the sun of the soul," Dinah reads. "Oh my," she says, "you don't think?"
"I don't think there's any other explanation. It's been going on for weeks too. And look, here's the first one. " Babs listens as Dinah reads quietly through the e-mail. It doesn't seem unusual at all, Connor talks about the events of the week, a book he'd read he thought Tim would enjoy, and then about being glad to have seen him. It's the post script that gets weird though.
"PS," Dinah reads "I die of love for him, perfect in every way,
Lost in the strains of wafting music.
My eyes are fixed upon his delightful body
And I do not wonder at his beauty.
His waist is a sapling, his face a moon,
And loveliness rolls off his rosy cheek
I die of love for you, but keep this secret:
The tie that binds us is an unbreakable rope.
How much time did your creation take, O angel?
So what! All I want is to sing your praises. " She pauses. "God, Connor," she says, sounding as surprised as Babs feels. It's perfectly clear what the poem is saying about Connor's feelings for Tim, and there is virtually no deniability to it. It had to have been quite a hard thing to send. "What was the reply?" Dinah questions, and Babs opens it up. Another seemingly innocent letter with a poem as postscript, and Babs and Dinah read it over silently.
'I would live in your love as the sea-grasses live in the sea,
Borne up by each wave as it passes, drawn down by each wave that
recedes;
I would empty my soul of the dreams that have gathered in me,
I would beat with your heart as it beats, I would follow your soul
as it leads.'
"My god," says Dinah finally. "That is just so romantic! I don't think I've ever seen anything so adorable."
"It is," Babs agrees, "I wish someone sent me love poems every week. But we also have a problem."
"Ollie and Bruce?"
"Ollie and Bruce," Babs confirms. "They don't exactly have a history of getting along well."
"That's an understatement. I can see why Connor and Robin have kept it so secret. How long has this been going on?"
"About a month and a half," Babs replies. "But Ollie and Bruce aren't the only thing to worry about. Check out this latest poem."
'Fish in the unruffled lakes
The swarming colours wear,
Swans in the winter air
A white perfection have...
Sighs for folly said and done
Twist our narrow days;
But I must bless, I must praise
That you, my swan, who have
All gifts that to the swan
Impulsive Nature gave,
The majesty and pride,
Last night should add
Your voluntary love.'
This was the one that had finally caught Babs' attention, because all Tim had e-mailed was the poem, nothing more. It was what made her look back through the previous e-mails in confusion.
"You think they slept together?" Dinah asks.
"I don’t know! It certainly sounds like it, but even I can't tell exactly where everyone is all the time, and Tim was out of surveillance long enough two days ago that it's feasible."
"Maybe it wasn't sex. Maybe it was… deciding to go steady or something."
"People don't 'go steady' anymore Dinah."
"It's Connor and Robin. They're weird like that. Which is why I think it's really unlikely they actually had actual sex. I mean, they're pretty much poster boys for virginity."
"Well, maybe not anymore."
"Well, I suppose we'll have to find out then. I take Connor, you take Robin?"
"Deal."
--------
Connor was struggling to keep a straight face. Dinah had pretty much kidnapped him for a 'day out', which had so far amounted to a morning of careful looks and awkward pauses.
Clearly, Tim's predictions on timing were pretty much perfect.
Dinah sits across from him in the diner booth, looking ready to burst with questions at any moment.
"So are you and Robin still pen-pals?" she asks finally, sounding casual. Connor forces himself to blush as much as possible.
"Oh. Yes. He's a wonderful correspondent," says Connor as awkwardly as possible. Dinah gives him a rather frightening shrewd look.
"Wonderful, huh?" Connor makes sure to fidget a bit.
"Yes, he writes quite well."
"So did'ya sleep with him?" Dinah asks, evidently going for the 'surprise him into answering' route.
"Ye-what?" Connor asks. He refrains from doing a victory dance at the shocked look on Dinah's face. Despite her question, she was looking for more of a 'not yet' answer.
"You- Connor. That's. Aren't you moving a little quickly?" she asks finally. Connor shrugs, and doesn't meet her eyes.
"I really like him. I. I love him, actually." Connor sneaks a glance upwards. Dinah's expression has gone soft.
"Well, I won't say I'm not still concerned, but okay. Do you get to know his name, at least?" Connor makes sure to give her a look.
"Yes." Tim had told him in fact. It was pretty vital to the plan working for Connor to know his supposed boyfriend's name, but still, it's nice to know his friend trusts him that much. Connor bites down on a smirk when he notices Ollie approaching them. Depending on what Dinah says next, this could be priceless.
"So," Dinah says in a teasing voice, "how was sex with the boy wonder anyways?"
"What?" is exclaimed, and Dinah turns, expression quickly changing to worry.
"I'm just going to go now," Connor says hurriedly, standing. As expected, Ollie pushes him gently back down onto the bench then sits beside him.
"You had sex?" demands Ollie quietly. His father seems really concerned. This is not going according to plan. The plan was to get him to stop worrying.
"Not exactly. Umm." Connor states, "We didn't, I mean. Not everything. Really can we all not talk about this?" Hopefully they'll just assume it was only oral sex, because Connor doesn't think he'll be able to actually say that.
Talking to Dinah is one thing, his father is a completely different one. He'd been hoping that Dinah would end up having this conversation with Ollie for him.
"It was Robin? Did he pressure you into it because I'll-"
"No! No, he would never. Everything we did was, umm, very consensual. We're. We've been dating." Now comes the proverbial 'get-out-of-jail-free' card: blame it on Batman. "We weren't - it was a secret, see, because Batman doesn't like him dating, or telling people his identity but we, we like each other an awful lot, so we decided to date anyways. So the, umm. It was consensual."
Ollie gives him a considering look, then snorts.
"Damn Bat. You're sure you're okay then?" Connor nods quickly. Ollie laughs and slings an arm around his shoulder. "Well in that case, it's about time! I was getting worried about you. In that case I'll leave you two to your lunches. I'm going to tell Mia and Roy the good news."
Connor smiles to himself. Mission accomplished. Now he won't have to worry about getting set up on dates for a long time.
-----
Tim knows exactly what's going on when Babs casually invites him over after patrol.
What he doesn't expect at all, is Bruce's presence. Though to be fair, from the whispered argument the two seem to be having as he enters, Babs didn't expect him either.
"What's going on?" he questions, and the two turn towards him.
"You slept with Connor Hawke," Bruce accuses. The best way to go about this is to be as calm and logical as possible with Bruce. Babs is probably already won over by the inherit cuteness of their poetry exchange. Tim lifts his chin.
"I don't see how that's any of your business, but yes," he states. Bruce glowers.
"It's my business when you're jeopardizing your secret identity for some-"
"Oh, please. Connor knowing my name is not going to jeopardize my secret identity any more than Ollie knowing yours already does," Tim points out reasonably, which just makes Bruce scowl.
"And," says Bruce, "he's much too old for you." Tim raises an eyebrow.
"He's only a few years older than me."
"You're sixteen. A few years makes a big difference at your age."
"Okay, now you're just making excuses. We both know I'm more than mature enough to handle this. So what exactly is your problem with me being in a relationship with Connor?"
"He's dangerous." Tim blinks.
"Excuse me?" Bruce opens his mouth. "No, wait. I don't even want to hear it. Being able to fight Shiva to a standstill is dangerous, yes. But he's not a danger to me."
"And you're so sure about that?" Bruce questions sarcastically.
"He may have fought Shiva to a standstill once, but I've beaten her before." Killed her, actually, and he still has to repress a shudder at the memory. "He's not going to hurt me on purpose, and if some kind of mind-control event happens, I could take him."
"I don't want you continuing this relationship," Bruce states finally.
"Well you don't get to decide that," Tim says, "I like him. He's good to me. I'm not breaking up with him just because you don't like it."
"He's good to you? He took your virginity, Tim!" Woah, okay, completely unexpected reaction there. Tim can't help it. He laughs.
"That's what you're worried about? And here I thought I remembered an extremely awkward conversation from a few months ago where you asked me to consider therapy."
"That's the point. Clearly you're uncomfortable with sexuality, and he's pushed you into this."
"None of you ever believed me when I said I was waiting for the right time and the right person!" Tim exclaims, getting annoyed now. "It was always 'Oh no he's traumatized let's get him therapy', 'maybe he's still pinning over Steph, let's shove random teenagers at him', 'let's have awkward talks about sexuality being a natural part of human existence', but now that I have found someone, you're unhappy?"
Babs and Bruce look at him, perplexed.
"Tim, I'm sure Bruce can be reasonable and see that Connor isn't going to harm you," Babs says, giving Bruce and meaningful look. "But I'm still a little confused. You mean you really just never wanted to have sex before now?"
Tim resists the urge to beat his head against the wall. He needs all the brain cells he has.
"It's not that I've never been - aroused," he states awkwardly, "Just, for me, it feels wrong to be that - intimate - with someone without a lot of trust, commitment, and love."
Oh, god. He sounds like a pre-teen girl. From Smallville. But Babs is giving him that 'aren't you adorable' look, and Bruce seems calmer, so all in all, this has went well.
No more matchmaking! He thinks with relief. No more matchmaking ever again.
-----
Things seem to be working out excellently. Connor feels guilty about lying, a bit, though really it's more of a lie of admission than anything. He and Tim keep adding poetry to the end of their emails, their families keep assuming they're dating. It's been over six months since anyone has tried to set him up on a date. All in all, it's a great plan.
Right up until his family notices he doesn't spend all too much actual time with Tim.
Tim shows up later that week, slipping in through his window just as he's about to climb into bed, to let him know his family's been having similar worries.
"Guess it couldn't work perfectly forever," sighs Tim, raking a hand through his hair, which snaps back into place so perfectly it's scary. He then peels off the Domino mask and blinks at him. "Any ideas?" Connor thinks for a moment, then shrugs.
"Got any nights free next week? We could hang out, make sure they notice it." Tim bites his lip. "I can probably manage Thursday before patrol if you can get to Gotham. Otherwise I don't have time to get out here and get back unless you want to hang out between 2 and 5 am," he says wryly.
"I can do Thursday," Connor says, because is schedule is far, far more flexible than Tim's has ever been, he imagines. "Where should I meet you?" Tim jots down an address and some directions to some kind of café for him.
"Is five good for you?" he asks.
"5 o'clock it is," Connor agrees, "I'll see you then."
Seeing Tim out of costume is… startling to say the least. He looks almost average, unless you know what to look for, and even then it's hard. It's really only his eyes that give anything away, and even then it's hard to pinpoint what in them it is that makes him seem… dangerous.
Tim smiles, and slides into the seat across from him, shrugging his jacket off and setting it beside him. With the jacket off, it's slightly easier to see his muscles, his scars. His eyes are drawn to the one on his arm. It looks particularly vicious, but he's never seen it before, it's always been covered by the cape.
"It's fairly recent," Tim says wryly, obviously noticing his gaze. "I wore long sleeves for a while, but it's getting warm enough that long sleeves would just draw more attention, and it's healed enough."
Connor really doesn't understand how Tim manages to keep his parents from finding out about Robin. It seems ridiculous that Tim can manage to sneak out practically every night of the week, to go all the way to San Francisco every weekend, without his parents noticing anything.
"How've you been?" Tim asks, breaking the awkward pause.
"Quite well, thank you. Yourself?" Tim smiles.
"Well enough." Just then a waitress appears.
"Here your menus. You boys want anything to drink to start off or should I come back in a minute?" Tim smiles at her, and orders a Zesti, and Connor asks for water. Looking at the menu, he's surprised to see everything is vegetarian, if not vegan. He glances up at Tim with raised eyebrows, who shrugs.
"I think I'll get a tofu burger, I hear they're pretty good here," Tim says off-handedly, and Connor is touched that his friend thought to find a vegetarian place for him.
It's really nice to spend time with someone who shares so many similar interests, Connor finds as the dinner progress. There's not a subject he can bring up that Tim doesn't know at least a little about. They're halfway through both dinner and a discussion on different styles of meditation when someone says:
"Tim? I though you were at football practice?" and something flickers across Tim's face too quickly to catch before he turns to smile at the man who'd spoken. A younger, blonde woman is standing beside him.
"Hi Dad," Tim says, and Connor is thoroughly floored. "Coach let us out early, and I ran into a friend."
The man, apparently Tim's father, raises both eyebrows.
"Oh. Mind if we join you then?" If Connor looks carefully, he can see the family resemblance. The woman doesn't really look much like Tim though, so Connor isn't sure if she's his mother or…
"Sure," says Tim, and if it weren't for the fact that Tim was being too-perfectly still Connor would think he was completely calm. Tim move his jacket and his father slide in beside him, giving Connor a measuring look from across the table. The woman sits down next to him with an apologetic smile.
Connor gets the distinct impression that this is not going to end well.
-----
It is only years of training with Bruce that allows his to appear perfectly calm. This situation is bound for disaster. It's practically a recipe: take years of lying about vigilante activities, add apparently suspicious father, mix in a fake boyfriend, add a dash of cancelled non-existent football practice and a pinch of concerned stepmother, and serve.
Recommended side dish: witness protection program.
There's a few, brief moments of awkward conversation, and then:
"I spoke with the coach today," says his father, and oh, great, let's add a bit of broken cover-story for flavour! Tim feels his stomach drop out of his body. "Is there something you'd like to tell us, Tim?"
Absolutely not. There is absolutely nothing good he can say here. He definitely can't say 'I told you I joined the football team to cover for the fact I'm a vigilante and work with Batman'. If he lies and says he'd been dating Connor secretly, his father would flip, possibly even more than if he told the truth.
He briefly toys with the idea of telling his father he'd been in rehab and Connor was his guidance counselor, but dismisses it, as it would still cause his father to flip, even if not as much as the first two options. Besides, Connor wouldn't be able to lie well enough to be convincing, and the paperwork he'd have to beg from Babs made it just not worth it.
"Well?" his father questions again, breaking the long silence. Tim quickly glances over to Connor, who grimaces for a moment, and nods eve-so-slightly. He'll back Tim up in whatever he says. Tim just has to figure out what to say.
"No?" Tim says, stalling for time while he comes up with something.
"No?" questions his father in a seething voice.
Unfortunately, just as he comes up with an elaborate lie involving junior and senior football teams, Bernard, and starting a chess club, his stepmother decides to intervene.
"Jack," she says firmly, and Tim watches the possibility of his wonderful new cover story get booted out the window. "Don't pressure him. Tim, honey, it's okay," she says gently.
"What's okay? That he lied to us to cover up for something and won't tell us what?"
"Jack! No, now Tim, we're disappointed that you felt you had to lie to us, but I understand that you were worried."
Oh, god, thinks Tim. Dana has apparently concluded that Tim has been secretly dating Connor and lying because he was afraid to come out of the closet. Which isn't exactly true, but isn't exactly not true either.
This is going to be a mess. He hates it when his vigilante life and his civilian life clash, and this will be a clash of epic proportions.
Tim gives Dana his very best pleading, puppy-dog eyes. He's borrowed this expression from Dick, and he knows it works 88% of the time. Dana hesitates momentarily, then gives Tim a firm look. Damn the extra 22%.
Dana turns to Connor, and Tim begins to pray to every deity he can think of.
"It's nice too meet you," she says, and offers her hand.
----
Connor shakes the woman's hand.
"It's nice to meet you too," he says. "I'm Connor." The best thing to do in almost every situation, Connor finds, is to remain calm. He's survived Ollie's chili, made vegetarian especially for him, and he can survive this. And come out of it with more taste buds intact.
"So how long have you and Tim know each other?" she asks.
"Uh, we've known each other a few years."
"Wait," says Tim's father, Jack. "What's going on here?" he asks dangerously. Apparently, he's beginning to get the same idea the woman - Tim's mother? Step-mother? Aunt? Cousin? - got a few minutes earlier. "Dana?" Oh thank goodness, a name. Now if he could only place her exact relationship to Tim, this would be easier.
"Jack. Tim has something important he needs to tell you, but you need to stay calm, okay?" Tim, for his part, has slumped down under the table as much as possible and has his head buried in his arms. "Tim?" questions Dana. Tim doesn't move at all. Tim's father looks about ten seconds away from going into shock. Dana looks utterly determined. Connor gives Dana a helpless look, and then gently tugs on Tim's arm.
"Tim, come on," he says gently. Tim looks up to glare at him balefully. He mouths something that looks like 'I would drink acid', and then slumps his head down again. This seems to be enough to push Jack over the edge.
"No. No, this is not happening. If this is some kind of joke you can cut it out, because it's not funny!"
"Jack!" hisses Dana, "we need to be supportive!"
"No, no we don't, because Tim isn't -- gay," he hisses back. Connor refrains from commenting that Tim actually identifies himself as bisexual. Besides, Connor suspects that Tim is gay, aside from being attracted to Stephanie, which is really quite reasonable because Stephanie is just a very attractive person in both looks and personality.
Tim doesn't move. In fact, Connor begins to worry that Tim isn't even breathing.
"Jack," says Dana gently, breaking the long silence.
"No, I absolutely refuse to hear about it! It's not true, look, you're embarrassing Tim with these ridiculous ideas! Tell her it isn't true, son."
Connor feels something tap his hand under the table. Tim's handing him something that feels like paper. Apparently, he's been slumped like that to cover the fact he was writing a note. Connor is impressed. Tim hadn't looked like he was moving at all. Tim's also handed him enough money to cover his half of the meal.
Tim glances up at his father, then sits up, and grabs Connor other hand and holds it tightly.
"Dad, I, uh, Connor and I are dating."
Silence reigns absolute. Connor notices absently that they seem to have attracted the attention of the rest of the diner. At table a few seats places away from him, a blonde teenager seems particularly riveted, while his female companion seems to be in shock.
Lovely.
Jack Drake glares at him. Connor gives him a small friendly smile.
"Not anymore you're not," Jack say forcefully, and grabs Tim's arm and tugs. "We're going home. Come on Dana." Tim struggles, but grabs his jacket.
"Dad!" he hisses. "Let go! You can't make-"
"Oh yes I can!"
"Jack," Dana says, standing, "be reasonable-"
"I am being reasonable, now come on, we're going!" And he gives her a push towards the door, then drags Tim out of the diner. Dana looks back at him apologetically and follows.
All eyes in the place focus on him. Connor sighs.
"Check please?"
-----
He thought explaining to Bruce why he was grounded and under tight enough surveillance that he couldn't sneak out had been bad. At least with Steph being back in costume now she could cover some of his patrols, and Bruce had already known about Connor and had been - well, not sympathetic, because then Tim would be checking his bed for pods, but he'd sounded like he was a bit angry on Tim's behalf, and Tim assured him it would only be for a few weeks, so all in all thinks were okay on that front.
Explaining to the Titans why he couldn't make it for the weekend was going to be a nightmare. Bruce had offered to tell the Titans that Robin wouldn't be showing up for an undetermined amount of time, but Tim had declined. In all likelihood, Bruce making a statement like that would end in Tim making a statement starting with 'rumours of my death have been greatly exaggerated'.
Tim decided to call the Tower first, and hope that it was Vic and not Kory or Gar who picked up the phone.
"Hey, Robin," says Vic, because apparently fate has decided he's had enough bad luck these past few days. "What's up?"
"I won't be able to come for next couple of months unless it's a real emergency. I'm grounded." Vic lets out a surprised sounding laugh.
"What'd you do? Crash the batmobile… again?" Tim sighs.
"No, my dad grounded me."
"Wait, your bio-dad? For what?" Well at least the Titans realize he does have a father, and he's not Batman, Tim thinks, looking back on his Young Justice days.
"Yeah, so he's keeping a lot closer of on me than usual. I can't even patrol right now so it'll be a while until I can sneak off for full weekends again." Vic whistles.
"Damn. What happened?" Tim goes for the quasi-truth, because it's better to tell the same lie to everyone.
"They caught me on a date with Green Arrow and were more than a little upset." There is a moment of silence.
"What the fuck?"
"The younger Green Arrow!" Tim says quickly. He's surprised that the gossip hasn't spread throughout the whole cape and cowl community, actually,
"Oh, okay, that make a lot more sense. You had me freaking out there for a second. Batman know?"
"Yes, yes. It's not exactly a secret, just-"
"Kon would act freaky, Bart wouldn't understand, Cassie would be way too supportive, Gar would laugh forever and Kory would ask you about a threesome," Vic finishes.
"Not quite how I'd phrase it, but pretty much," Tim agrees.
"I'll tell them you're grounded cause you crashed the Batmobile again."
"That would probably be best. Thanks, Vic."
"No problem."
Tim breathes a sigh of relief. Now he just has to figure out how to not go crazy from boredom during the next few weeks.
----
Connor feels rather bad for Tim's predicament, but at the moment he feels worse about his own.
Apparently, Oracle had seen the whole incident in the diner, and had called Dinah , who had in turn, called Ollie, Roy and Mia.
He knew his family was only trying to help, but Connor really didn't need to be 'comforted'. He needed even less to have Ollie and Roy offering to fly to Gotham and kidnap Robin for him.
The absolute last thing he needed, was when Kyle had showed up looking for him, and his family had practically shoved him at Kyle, to whom they'd said things like 'good to see you're here to support your buddy', 'I'm sure you can cheer him up', and the dreaded 'oh good! You can help us with the kidnapping!'.
Lian, the wonderful child, notices his distress, and had bosses the rest of the family out of the room to 'give him some space, people!', leaving him alone with an extremely confused Kyle.
"It's a long story, which I'll be perfectly happy to explain if you'll just get me as far away from here as feasible before they come back," Connor says. "please," he adds belatedly. Kyle shrugs, and pretty soon they're on the moon.
"Far enough for you?" he asks wryly. Connor nods. "So, what is going on?" Connor puts his head in his hands, glances over at his best friend, and then tells him everything.
By the end, Kyle is laughing so hard that he's crying, and he's rolling around in a fit, giggling like a small child.
"It really isn't that funny when it's happening to you," Connor says. Kyle just keeps laughing.
"Okay, okay, okay," Kyle says, slowly calming down. I'm sure we can figure something out. Because I think this has gone a little bit too far, don't you?"
"Oh, definitely," Connor says, relieved. With himself, Kyle and Tim, they're sure to find some way to make this all end well. "I almost forgot, here," he says, and hands Kyle the note from Tim. "Tim and I already thought things weren't really going as planned, and these are some of his ideas on how to end things."
Kyle reads over the note quietly, making little 'hmm' sounds, every now and then. Finally he looks up.
"Well, these are all fairly good ideas, though I notice honesty isn't any of them." Connor raises an eyebrow at him. "Okay, okay," Kyle says, "horrible idea, but I just thought someone should point it out."
Connor sighs. "I hate lying, and this wasn't exactly a good idea in the first place, but I'm not about to confess now." Kyle nods sympathetically.
"That's probably wise. Now, let's go over each of these and see what we think."
-----
Fate, it appears, has not given up on torturing him, because as he arrives at school, Bernard and Darla both rush up to him and hug him.
Apparently, they'd been at the diner. He really should've noticed that, though in his defense he was extremely busy at the time and also spent half of the ordeal with his face smushed against the table.
Still, he should have foreseen this. After all, Bernard had been the one to mention the place with the great vegetarian tofu burgers to him.
"Guys, guys, I'm fine," Tim protests. "Really, I'm alright."
They blatantly ignore him. Bernard is chattering on about GLAAD and the Gay/Straight Alliance at school and knows enough about this to make Tim more than a little suspicious considering Bernard's earlier 'modern, enlightened men' speech.
Darla, for her part, keeps going on about how it's so romantic and asking questions to quick for him to answer.
"Guys! Guys! Guys! I'm okay. His name is Connor. We met at a chess tournament. We've been dating for half a year. I'm grounded until I graduate. I'm pretty sure I'm bisexual. And yes, Bernard, Steph does exist. I'm just not dating her anymore. "
Bernard and Darla exchange looks, and then look at him, considering something, apparently. Tim is very wary about the gleam in their eyes. They each grab one of his arms.
"We're taking you to the guidance counselor," Darla says firmly. Tim sighs, and allows them to frog-march him there, giving a few token protests.
Tim doesn't actually get to say anything once he gets there though. Every time he starts to open his mouth, either Bernard, Darla, or both of them elbow him sharply. Looks like not going on patrol doesn't mean any fewer bruises.
With suspiciously little effort, Bernard and Darla convince the counselor that Tim should be let out of all his classes today, and they should accompany him for 'moral support'. They leave the office with three excuse slips. Tim is exceedingly confused.
"Alright," says Darla, "time for some of the best kind of therapy: shopping."
"Oh, no," says Tim, stopping dead. Bernard and Darla tug at him.
"Please," drawls Bernard, "your clothing? It puts gay men everywhere to shame. Clearly this is something we must fix."
Tim sighs, and allows himself to be tugged along. He has a feeling he's going to regret this.
------
Kyle frowns at him.
"You see, this plan is good," Kyle says, "except that no one's going to believe you."
"Why's that?" asks Connor. Kyle sighs.
"Connor. Relationships simply don't end that well. Saying that you both decided you'd be better off as friends is only going to leave them thinking there's something deeply wrong. Because no matter how many times people say 'let's be friends' as they break up, it just doesn't work, and it's a long time before you can have any kind of friendship with them." Connor frowns.
"But surely if we just explain," he begins, but Kyle shakes his head.
"Sorry. It isn't going to work." Connor sighs.
"Alright. I'll call Robin for a minute, see if he has any ideas." He pulls out the cell phone Tim had given him so they could call each other without having their conversations recorded.
"Hello?" answers Tim, sounding strained. There is bright, chattery background noise coming through too, filling the silence of space.
"Where are you?" Connor, asks, confused, because he was hoping to catch Tim between classes, but that doesn't sound like school.
"Shopping, long story."
"Okay. I've recruited Kyle to help us?"
"Needed to get some things off your chest?"
"Something like that. Anyways, we were wondering about the whole breakup thing, but I'm going to assume you can't talk about that right now. With friends?"
"Yes, I understand," Tim says, and Connor catches on.
"I see. So you'll be telling the civilians we broke up now because of yesterday."
"I-yes," Tim says, sounding sad. Clearly the undercover work he's done has made him an excellent actor.
"Alright. I'll call again later?"
"Okay, Goodbye then." Tim hangs up.
"Well," says Kyle, "that wasn't helpful, but I've got an idea. One that would make a mutual break up actually make sense. But I'll warn you, it's embarrassing."
-----
By the time he's done shopping, he's incredibly glad to be home, even with his father being angry. Telling Bernard and Darla that Connor had broke up with him had only made their shopping plans include feeding him ice cream, milkshakes and frozen yogurt at every turn. He felt heavy, exhausted, and just wanted to go to bed.
Naturally then, Dana is waiting to have a talk with him as he gets in the door.
He ends up telling her that it was his and Connor third date, and he was pretty sure there weren't going to be any more now but that was okay because it wasn't like he was in love with him or anything, they were just friends and figured they might try the dating thing and see how it went.
She ends up baking him cookies. They aren't anywhere near as good as Alfred's, but he does appreciate the effort. When he finally manages to get away from her and his father after dinner. His plans consist of sleep, sleep, and more sleep so this week can be over with already.
Instead, he finds Steph sitting on his bed. Tim blinks. She beams at him.
"Hey Boy Not-so-virgin-anymore. You've had some tough luck recently."
"Steph, why is your hair short and black?" he asks, already dreading the answer. Steph grimaces.
"I'm supposed to be you. I really don't think B is fooling anyone with the hair, which I sacrificed for the noble cause of covering for your absence, so you'd better be grateful buddy. Anyways, as I was saying, I think the boobs make it a bit obvious I'm not you, but-" Steph shrugs. "Anyway, it's only temporary. But still totally cool. Although I am sorry that it's because your life is majorly sucking right now."
"Thanks?" Tim says weakly. Steph beams again, and hugs him.
"Anyhow, got to go, just thought I'd let you know so you wouldn't see it in the Enquirer or something."
"… okay then," Tim agrees, and Steph climbs out his window with a wave.
Of course, then his phone rings. He picks it up with dread. Luckily, it's only Connor, because if it had been anything else weird and/or unfortunate in such a short period of time, Tim would've had a stroke.
"So," Connor says, "Kyle and I have come up with a plan."
-----
Continue to Part the Second