Till Death Do Us Part
Goodbye, I Love You
It’s the third time in the span of 2 months that Dad got into the hospital. The first time because he had a black out. Daddy was cleaning up the master bedroom and he though Dad was asleep. He heard someone yelled and when he looked out the window a passerby was holding his unconscious husband at the front yard. Dad didn’t remember why he went out at all. He stayed for 3 days and went home after making a lot of fuss.
Not more than 2 weeks later he was back at the hospital. He was in a lot of pain in the middle of the night. The painkiller didn’t help at all. He had a black eye from falling when he tried to call Daddy who was in the bathroom. Daddy kept crying while Dad kept mumbling that it hurt. He drove them to the hospital and Uncle Changmin met them there to help with the room registration. Uncle Min was also the one who called Dr. Lim & Uncle Yoochun.
Since Uncle Yoochun also worked at the same hospital, he asked the nurses to pay more attention to Dad. They were nice and very helpful. Sometimes they told us to have a rest and took care of the things that shouldn’t even be their concern. Like ordering lunch or dinner when Uncle Min was late. On his second hospitalization Dr. Lim asked them to put respirator next to Dad just in case. The cancer has spread to his lungs and I could hear a funny noise when he was breathing. I could never stay inside too long.
We brought him back here last night ‘cause he lost consciousness due to the unbearable pain that he suffered since afternoon. The nurses called Dr. Lim after seeing that the usual painkiller that they injected didn’t lessen his pain. After she came and shot him with something else, he felt better gradually and fell asleep. Daddy didn’t leave his side at all, not even for a second. He looked exhausted and ready to pass out anytime. Uncle Junsu came and brought him some snacks .
It’s Saturday, so a lot of people were coming to see his Dad, especially his colleagues and students. So Moonbin chose to sit outside, it’s too cramped in his room. The crowd died down around dusk and he came back inside just to see his father’s painful face and scream. Daddy looked terrible with his messy hair and lack eyes, but still he refused to go home and chose to stay overnight. He wanted to stay too but Daddy said no, he should go home. He had skipped classes since Thursday, he knew that he had assignment to work on. He left without hugging his Dad, he wasn’t aware of him because of the pain anyway.
He returned to an empty house and feeling so lonely. He couldn’t sleep at all and decided to go to the hospital. It was around 7.15am, he was already halfway Uncle Changmin called his mobile.
“I called the house and no one picked up. Where are you?”
“I’m already on my way to the hospital, what’s up Uncle Min?”
“Your Dad fell into a coma.”
The beating of his heart was so hard that he was afraid it would explode. He parked his car and ran to his father’s room. His father’s already breathing through the respirator, Daddy sat by the bed, pale with a blank look and puffy eyes. Uncle Changmin was standing next to him watching the nurses ran about the room.
“Wha- what happened?”
It was his uncle who replied, “He threw up when Jaejoong was feeding him breakfast and had been in this condition ever since.”
And for the first time he looked at the man on the bed. So frail, so thin and gone were the handsomeness that he always admired from him. He tried to choke back his tears but it kept pouring down his face unstoppably.
“Oh my God, oh my God… Uncle Min, is it my fault? It’s my fault isn’t it? I prayed to God to take away his pain, and this is it! This is it, oh God!” He sobbed by his Dad’s feet, his Daddy was still sitting there, unmoving. It was his Uncle who made him stand up and took him out.
“Bin, stop it! It’s not your fault, that’s the way it has to be. It’s nobody’s fault!”
“But he was still- he was-“ He couldn’t say fine, but Dad still opened his eyes last night. “He was-“ And finally words were gone with his strength as his knees buckled and he fell in the arms of his Uncle. He kept hugging him until his tears subsided before he pulled off and held his face in his hands.
“You have to be strong for your Daddy too. I know you can do it. Your father loves you… he doesn’t want to see you sad when he’s in pain, I believe that he prefer this way. Gather up your strength, be brave…” Amazingly, he shed no more tears after that. More people were coming and gathering. They talked to him, prayed by his bedside and Daddy didn’t leave his bedside even for an inch, except to the toilet.
By 10pm most people left but some close family friends left stayed. Daddy told him to go home, there’s a class that he can’t miss tomorrow.
“Daddy, can’t I stay?” He plead.
“No, you have to go home. You can’t skip another day tomorrow. Are you done with your assignment? You told me it’s dur tomorrow.”
“But Dad-“
“Your Dad will stay this way for awhile. There’s nothing you can do here. Home, Binnie.”
He gave up and kissed both his parents goodbye, lingering at his Dad’s side, so reluctant to leave. But Daddy made him leave anyway… As soon as he entered the house, there’s a feeling of loss that’s surrounding him. He ran to his Dad’s bedroom, he could still smell him there. He held the pillow that he slept on before they took him to the hospital, his presence was getting stronger all over him. And just like that morning, he broke down in tears, crying hysterically calling his Dad’s name over and over again.
He fumbled with his mobile and called his Uncle. The moment he said hi, he screamed. “Put the phone in his ear, Uncle Min! Put it on his ear! I have to tell him something.”
“… Fine… talk.”
“Dad, I love you! I’m sorry for not spending more time with you! I’m sorry that I got angry at you, but I didn’t mean it!! I’m sorry Dad, I’m sorry!!” He clutched the pillow closer to his chest. “I want you to know that I really love you Dad, but I was afraid to see you in pain so I pushed you away! I’m sorry Dad, I’m sorry! I really really love you! Don’t leave Dad, I love you!” He kept screaming the same thing until his voice hoarse and suddenly he heard his Daddy’s voice.
“Bin… he heard you… he heard you, honey… He had forgiven you. He’s crying now… I’m not lying, but there are tears falling from the corner of his eyes. He heard you, sweetie.”
There’s a rush of relief filling him up though the words coming out of his Daddy’s lips through the telephone. He hung up and sleeping on the pillow that he’s holding.
~ o ~ o ~
He couldn’t concentrate on the lectures the whole day. He kept texting his Uncle about his father’s condition. He wanted to run and go but his turn to present the assignment only came at the last moment.
By 4.30pm he received a text from his Uncle. ‘Get here as soon as you’re done with your presentation.’ His bestfriend, Kyung Min said that he wanted to see his father too so he’d accompany him to the hospital. He’s glad that he would at least had someone to talk to on the way there.
By 5.15pm there was no more text. He tried calling his Daddy, his Uncle, Uncle Yoochun, Uncle Junsu, but none of them picked up the phone. He knew something was wrong. But Kyun Min kept telling him to be careful with his driving, if anything happened someone would surely call him.
He was only 10 minutes away, the hospital was already across the street, he’d just have to talk a u-turn and he’d get there. That’s when his phone rang. He saw the caller ID, it’s Aunt Mi Seon, Dad’s teacher friend.
He connected his hands free and said hello. But the next words coming into his ear shattered his senses. ‘I’m sorry for your loss.’
He screamed from the top of his lungs, his vision blurred but he could still feel Kyung Min’s hard grip on his arm. “Moonbin, hold on! Be strong you ass, you’re driving! Get back to your senses!”
And he heard Aunt Mi Seon’s on the phone talking to someone: ‘Oh my God, he doesn’t know! Moonbin, dear, be careful, drive safely… Your father’s been freed from his pain, your Daddy needs you!’ He threw the phone to the backseat and started to drive through his tears. Kyung Min kept saying words of encouragement… and the 5 minute drive seemed like a thousand year.
He saw Uncle Junsu and his driver waiting for him at the parking lot. As soon as he hit the brake he got out and didn’t’ bother to park. Apparently that’s why Uncle Junsu’s driver was there. Uncle Junsu held him and rushed him to his father’s room. He recognized most of the people outside, standing along the corridor looking at him with sad eyes. And when he opened the door it was his Daddy’s arms that stopped him from moving to the bed and he collapsed in his embrace.
“Why didn’t he wait for me, Daddy!! How could he!! He should’ve waited for me!”
Daddy was rubbing circles on his back and sat him at the waiting room chair, “He didn’t want you to see him gone, baby… he loves you too much…”
“No!! He should’ve waited for me… he should’ve waited… I wanna see him!” He tried to break free from his embrace but he was stronger.
“Let them clean him up first, baby… Come on, he loves you honey, he loves you…”
“Why did he leave me, why didn’t he wait for me…” He kept sobbing uncontrollably.
“Shushhh, he loves you… he loves you, trust me. He’s gone in peace, baby… no more pain for him, no more pain…”
He couldn’t remember how long did he cry in his Daddy’s embrace, he didn’t even care where Kyung Min had gone to. When he calmed down he told Daddy, “I’ll go home and pick his suit. No one is going to prepare his clothes but me, no one….”
“Of course baby, he’d love that… you do that for him, dress him up… you pick everything for him… don’t forget his tie…” Strangely, Daddy seemed very calm in the midst of his hysteria.
He saw the nurses left and Uncle Min told him that he could see him now.
Slowly he walked over to the bed… his father’s face was so peaceful and he swore that he’s smiling. No more tears fell from his eyes as he stood by the bedside and stroke his Dad’s face.
“If you want to blame someone, you should blame me.” He heard his uncle spoke next to him. “He was waiting for you… he hung on. He was gone for a few seconds but he tried hard to take another breath when Yoochun told him to wait for you… that’s how much he loved you Bin.”
“Why did you tell him not to wait for me?” A bit of anger rose in him and through the tone of his voice.
“Because he’s too tired. If only you were here you would see how much he struggled with each breath that he took. I told him that he could go if he’s too tired, that you would understand. That’s all it took for him to let go… He loved you that much.”
Moonbin tried to memorize every line on his face… each wrinkle, each scar… He held his hand in his, it’s starting to get hard… But this was the hand that had fed him, bathed him, picked him up when he fell, pulled him up when he’s down… This was the hand of someone who was strong but today he’s no more.
He closed his eyes as he kissed his Dad’s temple before the nurses rolled him out of there. He caressed his father’s face for one last time as he whispered in his ear, “Goodbye… I love you Dad…”
~ o ~ o ~
Previous I Next
It’s the third time in the span of 2 months that Dad got into the hospital. The first time because he had a black out. Daddy was cleaning up the master bedroom and he though Dad was asleep. He heard someone yelled and when he looked out the window a passerby was holding his unconscious husband at the front yard. Dad didn’t remember why he went out at all. He stayed for 3 days and went home after making a lot of fuss.
Not more than 2 weeks later he was back at the hospital. He was in a lot of pain in the middle of the night. The painkiller didn’t help at all. He had a black eye from falling when he tried to call Daddy who was in the bathroom. Daddy kept crying while Dad kept mumbling that it hurt. He drove them to the hospital and Uncle Changmin met them there to help with the room registration. Uncle Min was also the one who called Dr. Lim & Uncle Yoochun.
Since Uncle Yoochun also worked at the same hospital, he asked the nurses to pay more attention to Dad. They were nice and very helpful. Sometimes they told us to have a rest and took care of the things that shouldn’t even be their concern. Like ordering lunch or dinner when Uncle Min was late. On his second hospitalization Dr. Lim asked them to put respirator next to Dad just in case. The cancer has spread to his lungs and I could hear a funny noise when he was breathing. I could never stay inside too long.
We brought him back here last night ‘cause he lost consciousness due to the unbearable pain that he suffered since afternoon. The nurses called Dr. Lim after seeing that the usual painkiller that they injected didn’t lessen his pain. After she came and shot him with something else, he felt better gradually and fell asleep. Daddy didn’t leave his side at all, not even for a second. He looked exhausted and ready to pass out anytime. Uncle Junsu came and brought him some snacks .
It’s Saturday, so a lot of people were coming to see his Dad, especially his colleagues and students. So Moonbin chose to sit outside, it’s too cramped in his room. The crowd died down around dusk and he came back inside just to see his father’s painful face and scream. Daddy looked terrible with his messy hair and lack eyes, but still he refused to go home and chose to stay overnight. He wanted to stay too but Daddy said no, he should go home. He had skipped classes since Thursday, he knew that he had assignment to work on. He left without hugging his Dad, he wasn’t aware of him because of the pain anyway.
He returned to an empty house and feeling so lonely. He couldn’t sleep at all and decided to go to the hospital. It was around 7.15am, he was already halfway Uncle Changmin called his mobile.
“I called the house and no one picked up. Where are you?”
“I’m already on my way to the hospital, what’s up Uncle Min?”
“Your Dad fell into a coma.”
The beating of his heart was so hard that he was afraid it would explode. He parked his car and ran to his father’s room. His father’s already breathing through the respirator, Daddy sat by the bed, pale with a blank look and puffy eyes. Uncle Changmin was standing next to him watching the nurses ran about the room.
“Wha- what happened?”
It was his uncle who replied, “He threw up when Jaejoong was feeding him breakfast and had been in this condition ever since.”
And for the first time he looked at the man on the bed. So frail, so thin and gone were the handsomeness that he always admired from him. He tried to choke back his tears but it kept pouring down his face unstoppably.
“Oh my God, oh my God… Uncle Min, is it my fault? It’s my fault isn’t it? I prayed to God to take away his pain, and this is it! This is it, oh God!” He sobbed by his Dad’s feet, his Daddy was still sitting there, unmoving. It was his Uncle who made him stand up and took him out.
“Bin, stop it! It’s not your fault, that’s the way it has to be. It’s nobody’s fault!”
“But he was still- he was-“ He couldn’t say fine, but Dad still opened his eyes last night. “He was-“ And finally words were gone with his strength as his knees buckled and he fell in the arms of his Uncle. He kept hugging him until his tears subsided before he pulled off and held his face in his hands.
“You have to be strong for your Daddy too. I know you can do it. Your father loves you… he doesn’t want to see you sad when he’s in pain, I believe that he prefer this way. Gather up your strength, be brave…” Amazingly, he shed no more tears after that. More people were coming and gathering. They talked to him, prayed by his bedside and Daddy didn’t leave his bedside even for an inch, except to the toilet.
By 10pm most people left but some close family friends left stayed. Daddy told him to go home, there’s a class that he can’t miss tomorrow.
“Daddy, can’t I stay?” He plead.
“No, you have to go home. You can’t skip another day tomorrow. Are you done with your assignment? You told me it’s dur tomorrow.”
“But Dad-“
“Your Dad will stay this way for awhile. There’s nothing you can do here. Home, Binnie.”
He gave up and kissed both his parents goodbye, lingering at his Dad’s side, so reluctant to leave. But Daddy made him leave anyway… As soon as he entered the house, there’s a feeling of loss that’s surrounding him. He ran to his Dad’s bedroom, he could still smell him there. He held the pillow that he slept on before they took him to the hospital, his presence was getting stronger all over him. And just like that morning, he broke down in tears, crying hysterically calling his Dad’s name over and over again.
He fumbled with his mobile and called his Uncle. The moment he said hi, he screamed. “Put the phone in his ear, Uncle Min! Put it on his ear! I have to tell him something.”
“… Fine… talk.”
“Dad, I love you! I’m sorry for not spending more time with you! I’m sorry that I got angry at you, but I didn’t mean it!! I’m sorry Dad, I’m sorry!!” He clutched the pillow closer to his chest. “I want you to know that I really love you Dad, but I was afraid to see you in pain so I pushed you away! I’m sorry Dad, I’m sorry! I really really love you! Don’t leave Dad, I love you!” He kept screaming the same thing until his voice hoarse and suddenly he heard his Daddy’s voice.
“Bin… he heard you… he heard you, honey… He had forgiven you. He’s crying now… I’m not lying, but there are tears falling from the corner of his eyes. He heard you, sweetie.”
There’s a rush of relief filling him up though the words coming out of his Daddy’s lips through the telephone. He hung up and sleeping on the pillow that he’s holding.
~ o ~ o ~
He couldn’t concentrate on the lectures the whole day. He kept texting his Uncle about his father’s condition. He wanted to run and go but his turn to present the assignment only came at the last moment.
By 4.30pm he received a text from his Uncle. ‘Get here as soon as you’re done with your presentation.’ His bestfriend, Kyung Min said that he wanted to see his father too so he’d accompany him to the hospital. He’s glad that he would at least had someone to talk to on the way there.
By 5.15pm there was no more text. He tried calling his Daddy, his Uncle, Uncle Yoochun, Uncle Junsu, but none of them picked up the phone. He knew something was wrong. But Kyun Min kept telling him to be careful with his driving, if anything happened someone would surely call him.
He was only 10 minutes away, the hospital was already across the street, he’d just have to talk a u-turn and he’d get there. That’s when his phone rang. He saw the caller ID, it’s Aunt Mi Seon, Dad’s teacher friend.
He connected his hands free and said hello. But the next words coming into his ear shattered his senses. ‘I’m sorry for your loss.’
He screamed from the top of his lungs, his vision blurred but he could still feel Kyung Min’s hard grip on his arm. “Moonbin, hold on! Be strong you ass, you’re driving! Get back to your senses!”
And he heard Aunt Mi Seon’s on the phone talking to someone: ‘Oh my God, he doesn’t know! Moonbin, dear, be careful, drive safely… Your father’s been freed from his pain, your Daddy needs you!’ He threw the phone to the backseat and started to drive through his tears. Kyung Min kept saying words of encouragement… and the 5 minute drive seemed like a thousand year.
He saw Uncle Junsu and his driver waiting for him at the parking lot. As soon as he hit the brake he got out and didn’t’ bother to park. Apparently that’s why Uncle Junsu’s driver was there. Uncle Junsu held him and rushed him to his father’s room. He recognized most of the people outside, standing along the corridor looking at him with sad eyes. And when he opened the door it was his Daddy’s arms that stopped him from moving to the bed and he collapsed in his embrace.
“Why didn’t he wait for me, Daddy!! How could he!! He should’ve waited for me!”
Daddy was rubbing circles on his back and sat him at the waiting room chair, “He didn’t want you to see him gone, baby… he loves you too much…”
“No!! He should’ve waited for me… he should’ve waited… I wanna see him!” He tried to break free from his embrace but he was stronger.
“Let them clean him up first, baby… Come on, he loves you honey, he loves you…”
“Why did he leave me, why didn’t he wait for me…” He kept sobbing uncontrollably.
“Shushhh, he loves you… he loves you, trust me. He’s gone in peace, baby… no more pain for him, no more pain…”
He couldn’t remember how long did he cry in his Daddy’s embrace, he didn’t even care where Kyung Min had gone to. When he calmed down he told Daddy, “I’ll go home and pick his suit. No one is going to prepare his clothes but me, no one….”
“Of course baby, he’d love that… you do that for him, dress him up… you pick everything for him… don’t forget his tie…” Strangely, Daddy seemed very calm in the midst of his hysteria.
He saw the nurses left and Uncle Min told him that he could see him now.
Slowly he walked over to the bed… his father’s face was so peaceful and he swore that he’s smiling. No more tears fell from his eyes as he stood by the bedside and stroke his Dad’s face.
“If you want to blame someone, you should blame me.” He heard his uncle spoke next to him. “He was waiting for you… he hung on. He was gone for a few seconds but he tried hard to take another breath when Yoochun told him to wait for you… that’s how much he loved you Bin.”
“Why did you tell him not to wait for me?” A bit of anger rose in him and through the tone of his voice.
“Because he’s too tired. If only you were here you would see how much he struggled with each breath that he took. I told him that he could go if he’s too tired, that you would understand. That’s all it took for him to let go… He loved you that much.”
Moonbin tried to memorize every line on his face… each wrinkle, each scar… He held his hand in his, it’s starting to get hard… But this was the hand that had fed him, bathed him, picked him up when he fell, pulled him up when he’s down… This was the hand of someone who was strong but today he’s no more.
He closed his eyes as he kissed his Dad’s temple before the nurses rolled him out of there. He caressed his father’s face for one last time as he whispered in his ear, “Goodbye… I love you Dad…”
~ o ~ o ~
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