E.R./X-Men: Allegiance [4/8]
Title: Allegiance
Fandoms: E.R./X-Men Movieverse
Spoilers: Up to the end of E.R. season 13, rewriting "I don't," rewriting X2, and ignoring everything that came afterwards on both fronts, except for some backstory borrowed from X3
Characters: Ray, Neela, Jean, Xavier, Abby, Cyclops, Kovac, Gates & pretty much all the X2 ensemble
Pairings: Ray/Neela, canon pairings
Wordcount: ~ 33,000 words
Rating: teen (PTSD, discussion of child abuse, mutant hate, things going boom)
Summary: Ray doesn't need the Professor to tell him that you can't outrun your past. But that doesn't mean he'll stop trying - even when his mutant powers destroy the life he has built in Chicago, and William Stryker targets his old team.
AN: This fic is a reimagination of X2 (and parts of E.R.), pretty much like the story might have worked out if Ray Barnett was a central comicverse character who thus had to have been a part of the movie. I hope that many people will have fun reading it no matter the fandom combination is so obscure! Thanks to gabilar94 for answering questions about Boston, and to millari, who did a fabulous job betaing. She, BTW, doesn't know either fandom, so if you're considering reading this despite only knowing one of them, I think it's absolutely worth a shot. Plus, there are fandom cheat sheets.
Fandom Cheat Sheet for those who don't know E.R. -- Fandom Cheat Sheet for those who don't know the X-Men Movieverse
Prologue -- Chapter 1 -- Chapter 2 -- Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Perched behind the desk in Jean's small study, Ray suppressed a sigh when he turned another page on the notes Hank had faxed him from Washington. Not only had his old friend been ready to take his concerns seriously - even if he'd assured him that Xavier knew best. He had also been delighted to explain his research on Jean's mutation, in depth, throwing around words Ray was positive he'd never encountered in med school.
Now he was stuck with what amounted to an issue of both mutant medicine and psychiatrics, and neither of those were anywhere close to his specialty. If it was true what Xavier claimed about Jean's mental state, Ray thought cynically, the only thing he'd be qualified to do if worst came to worst would be patching up the injured folks left in her wake.
Though at least, he'd be able to do that very fast.
Scott sauntered in, not bothering to knock. Ray suppressed a grimace, because speaking of problems. If Scott knew what Xavier had done to Jean... Well, Ray had no idea how he'd react, but there sure would be noise. Scott looked around in interest, as if checking if Ray had already dared making any changes to his fiancée's domain.
Ray closed the file and leaned back, because while Scott and he had become friends over the years, their way of talking to each other hadn't essentially changed.
"Anything I can help you with?" he asked rather unpleasantly.
Scott paused in the middle of the room, smirk appearing all over his face. That was one of the weird things about Scott: no matter that he couldn't use his eyes to tell people how he felt, he always did his utmost to keep his face accessible to everybody.
"You," he said like he was planning on cherishing this one, "are a poser and an idiot."
"And that would be why today?"
"Oh, you know." Scott's smirk deepened. "I remember when you went away to Chicago. You made everybody think that you were living the life - you had me almost convinced that it's true and it's all parties and one-night stands amongst the humans. Yet, now it turns out you left a girl behind. You. A real, honest to god relationship."
All of Ray's readiness to play along vanished. "I really didn't."
"I get why you wanted to leave the school better than you think, you know." Scott shrugged. "I even get why you were set on placing in Illinois, of all places." Illinois was a bad state to live in for mutants, always had been. "Claiming back your childhood dreams. Trust me, we've all been there." He smiled gleefully. "And now it turns out you're just hiding down here to brood because you're lovesick."
Okay, so that was about the last conversation Ray wanted to have. He snorted, making a point of putting his file back on the stash. "Right. I don't know what the Professor or Jean told you, but they should learn to stay the fuck out of my head." He grimaced. "If you really need to know, Neela wasn't my girlfriend. She never was. And whatever there was between us was over even before I attacked her boyfriend with a force field."
"Wow." Scott raised his eyebrows. "But that wedding you crashed wasn't theirs, I take it?"
Ray gave him an annoyed look. "It was our boss' and a friend's."
"I thought so. Otherwise, she'd be looking entirely too determined to see you again."
It took Ray a moment to grasp those words.
All color drained off his face. Neela.
"She's... what? She's here? Are you for real?"
"She's here," Scott confirmed. "Waiting for you in the infirmary. She liberated your forwarding address. It looks like she thinks that you owe her some answers." He was looking immensely pleased with himself. "Charles told me to give you a warning when he felt her coming, but why should I give you an opportunity to do something stupid? So I took the liberty of showing her around the school. I wouldn't want you to skewer her first impression of Xavier's..."
"Are you nuts?" Ray managed when his brain caught up. Blood was rushing in his ears. "You can't show her around the school. This place is swarming with mutants..."
"Charles isn't worried," Scott said levelly. "Plus, she already knows what you are."
"Yeah, well, she still doesn't know about the X-Men. It's still just a lie, isn't it? She doesn't know we were taught power control by Magneto. Why let her in just to tell her a new lie about the peachy mutant school we work for that saves helpless kids?"
"Because it isn't a lie."
"It's close enough."
Fuck, he thought, feeling dizzier by the second. Fuck. Neela had come. She had come. It couldn't mean that she'd made up her mind about him. It might all look like a grand gesture of mutant love to Scott, but she didn't know anything. She never would. Better make a cut and make her leave, instead of juggling her knowledge of what he really was and still telling her lies.
Because she had no idea what he was.
He'd stood up abruptly, Scott forgotten, moving to the door.
Scott's hand wrapped around his arm with an iron grip, betraying a strength that stood in startling contrast to his frame. He always was an X-Man more than a teacher. Another thing he didn’t have in common with Ray.
"Ray," he said. "This woman has come all the way from Chicago for you after you scared her out of her mind. Do you know how many humans would do that for one of us?" A stern look. "You'd be crazy if you wouldn't let her stay. Talk to her. Answer her questions and see what she wants. She deserves that much respect."
Ray pressed his lips together. Let her stay. He'd always wanted to let Neela stay. She'd always refused to stick around, always having important reasons to be somewhere else. Now that she'd come, there was a new chasm between them that couldn't be bridged. If she knew he was a mutant, the other things she didn't know started to matter.
But she was still Neela, and he'd always wanted her to come to him. So he rubbed his face, and nodded against his will, drawn towards the door.
---
Neela crossed her arms in front of her chest, anxiously, glancing around the odd infirmary that Scott Summers had told her to wait in - the one where Ray, supposedly, would be working as a school doctor. "He'll be part of the research team, too," Mr. Summers had brushed it off and given her the hint of a smile. "We just didn't want to complicate the paperwork. But he'll be taking care of the kids."
"What kind of injuries do you have to deal with here?"
"Oh, there are little power accidents all the time," Summers had said, and it had taken Neela a moment to understand he was talking of mutations. "Jean could tell you more about it. Bobby here..." He'd pointed at two young men working out on the lawn. One of them was throwing ice beams at the other. The other one was deflecting them by turning parts of his body into steel. "...tended to give his dorm mates frostbites when he first came to the school. Nightmares," he'd explained off-handedly. "He'd never been away from home before."
"Did Ray ever... did he ever..." she'd started saying, because Summers had mentioned, just before, that he and Ray had shared a dorm.
Summers had just looked at her for a moment through unreadable glasses. "Ray's force fields fire only intentionally," was all he'd said in answer.
School for the Gifted meant a school for mutants. It was impossible for Neela to wrap her mind around it. Ray had attended a whole school that had coached him on using those powers he'd been hiding, punching Tony with air and a wave of his hand. There had always been something that had set him apart from the other doctors at County, but she had thought it came down to unusual hair and a dream of having a career in music.
The infirmary reminded her strangely of Dr. Clemente, who had always pushed for top-notch technology and who'd also never quite fit in, albeit in a different way. Neela irrationally wondered if he'd been a mutant, too, shuddering at the thought. Last time she'd seen Clemente, he'd been drooling from a heavy dose of antipsychotic drugs - the day Michael had died.
She started when the door opened, suddenly threatening to panic because there Ray was, and maybe she wasn't ready after all.
He was dressed in his usual jeans and crumpled shirt, hair spiked daringly, but his expression was cautious and he shut the door very quietly, coming to a halt not far from it, across the room.
Neela exhaled a small breath. "Hi," she said, trying to be brave.
"Hey." His voice was very quiet. "What are you doing here?"
That's a very good question.
There was nothing inviting in his stance despite the soft tone of voice, and she had trouble finding words.
"I wanted to see you again," she tried, words tumbling out of her. "I couldn't just let you leave like that. I'm, I’m so sorry what happened, the way everybody reacted. And I tried calling you, but you didn't answer your phone and I... I can leave right now if you don't want me here."
There was a moment of silence, and a sudden pang of hurt, when he didn't react at all. He just looked at her. A firm and clear no would have been nice.
Neela cleared her voice. "I wanted to make sure you're alright."
"I'm alright."
"I never knew... I never would have guessed that you're..."
"...abnormal?"
"Oh, I've always known that," she said in a rush, snidely, huffing a nervous laugh. "That you're a mutant," she finished when the joke fell flat.
Ray grimaced. "I'm not all that different if I don't use my powers."
"I wish you had trusted me to know," Neela said helplessly, confused about the quality in his voice that she couldn’t decipher, so she just barged forward. It was true. It had been a shock, learning about it like that, a day before all hell broke loose on the news about mutant assassins and mutant terror. On her flight to New York, Neela had come to convince herself that she was better than that. She'd have come around faster if she'd been told differently, in a different situation, if he had told her as a show of trust. Sitting on their couch in their apartment, drinking beer.
A secret to share.
But you've never given him any reason to trust you before, she thought, thinking of Tony and Michael and a kiss goodbye in a van.
Surely Ray was thinking the same. Abruptly, he went into motion, not towards her but to the only exam table, starting to clean up the tray. "How are the others taking it?"
"They're coming around."
"Are they really?"
Pratt set on voting Republican the next time around. Sam looking away in guilt whenever Haleh needed to address her. Morris uncharacteristically silent and green around the gills when Frank brought up the mutie freak and how they should be glad to see him out, and everybody quietly relieved that the problem had gone away before it had become theirs.
"They'll come around," Neela declared.
Ray's lips twitched at that, faintly, acknowledging a sentiment he knew to be untrue.
It still should be true, though. If he'd just let her, Neela would make it true for him. Maybe it had been Summers' explanations and the fervent research she had done - that had just raised more questions - or just standing in the same room with Ray who wasn't sprouting wings and who hadn't turned blue.
She wanted to make it true, anyway. That should count.
"So I hear Scott has shown you around," Ray said, dumping an empty tube in the trash. "He probably gave you the booklet tour for the rich parents. I'm surprised he allowed you to enter the lower levels. They're usually closed to the public."
"He said he thought I'd want to see your workplace."
"I don't suppose he showed you what's under the basketball court, too."
"What do you mean?"
"Forget it." He gave her a short look at that, maybe regretting that he'd brought it up. "I don't think it's good for you to be here, Neela." There was a strain in his voice. "It's a really crappy time to get involved with mutants, and trust me, Scott only showed you the good parts. It looks all fancy, taking in mutant kids that have nowhere else to go and teach them how it's fun to have the super powers."
She blinked in confusion. "But it's a good thing, isn't it? They helped you pay for college."
"Kids grow up to be adults, is the problem." He paused, sighing, fixating his eyes on the exam table. "These kids are throwaways, Neela. They're good kids, they deserve a chance, but just because you put them in clean clothes and teach them English lit..." He turned around to her, facing her. "Each of them will go off into the world with a crapload of issues and really specific ideas on how to get the things they want with their powers."
Neela started, confused. "Doesn't that make it even more important to give them a positive environment?"
Ray grimaced, crossing his hands in front of his chest - a loud and clear defensive gesture. "Why are you here, Neela?"
"I made a choice," Neela said before she could think. "I wanted to be fair. I don't... I don't want things between us to end like this - not because of this." She took a deep breath. "I don't think it matters that you're a mutant," she managed.
He huffed a laugh. "You don't know what you're saying."
"How about you tell me then?" she answered, just a little exasperated. "One day you're just you, the next day you're suddenly a mutant. Everybody at County is scared, because nobody knows what you can do." She searched for words. "There's an ICU attending who swears you must be a telepath, because it's a... psionic power... and he classified you on some scale..."
"It's called a Ramson scale." Ray snorted. "It's bullshit. How did I score?"
"He says you must be a 4."
"See that's why it's bullshit." Ray rolled his eyes.
"So how..."
"It's just a way to say how dangerous people are. It... it makes it sound like that's all there is to know about it, alright?" He hesitated, conflicted emotions fighting it out on his face, then offered, like a compromise, "Scott's a 4."
"What does he do?" Something with his eyes, she'd thought, but hadn't dared ask.
"He shoots optic blasts out of his eyes." His face hardened. "He could level a mountain if he took off his glasses."
"Oh."
There was another agonizing moment of silence. Then, Ray reached a decision, because suddenly he was in motion, pushing the tray aside and turning towards her. "Still want to know what I can do?"
"Of course."
"Alright." Moving towards her, a buzzing sound was suddenly in the air, one that eerily sounded like Ewan McGregor brandishing a lightsaber. Something was pushing at her, insistently. Neela squeaked, stumbling backwards with every step Ray took.
Burying his hands in his pockets, he came to a halt in the middle of the room, the invisible force field hovering so close to her that Neela could feel it absorbing heat, softly charging strands of her hair.
"That's a psionic force field," Ray said, voice ungiving. "It could hold off sound, Scott's optic blasts - mostly it just knocks things over. It's a pretty standard psionic power. Really straightforward. It activates in the frontal lobes - you can look at my brain scans if you want. It's not useful for anything, except if you want to go and attack people. Like Gates."
It was a challenge. Everything about it was a challenge, there was nothing subtle about it. Run and hide, it was saying, Go away and never come back. Neela's heart was racing, refusing to calm down.
It's Ray, she reminded herself forcefully, bristling. He always dares people to run.
Except for her before today, but she had done it anyway.
Neela found herself reaching out, touching the field between them - trusting that he would stop her if it were dangerous to do so.
It started humming more violently when her fingers found it, though the sound was so low that she probably wouldn't have heard it if she weren't standing right in front of it.
It tickled, in a strange way, rigid like padded leather.
"Can you use it to hold back bacteria?" she asked, thinking of the E.R.
Something flickered across Ray's face. "I don't know," he said with a hint of exasperation. "I... Maybe. I guess if I practiced, I could learn."
Neela gave him a look to show what she thought of the fact that he hadn't.
Whatever it was that she had said to make it happen, a part of the Ray's defense seemed to have seeped out of him, not quite as set anymore on chasing her off. He moved closer, the force field still between them. Neela shuddered - because she always did when Ray got close, such a strong pull that had always left her so afraid. She remembered standing that close to him that day she'd moved out of the apartment, when she'd known he would bend down to kiss her and she wouldn't be able to ever let go if he did. She really had run that day.
He'd seemed so open and vulnerable then, set on letting her in.
He'd always offered to let her in.
Now she was looking up to him, the force field raising charged strands of hair into the air, and there was an edge on his face - wanting to offer and not daring. Not anymore.
What are you hiding, Ray? she thought. What's underneath?
"Do you want me to leave, Ray?" she repeated softly.
His eyes were glued to her lips with a strange expression of loss on his face; he didn't answer.
But he also didn't move to show her the door.
on to the next part
Fandoms: E.R./X-Men Movieverse
Spoilers: Up to the end of E.R. season 13, rewriting "I don't," rewriting X2, and ignoring everything that came afterwards on both fronts, except for some backstory borrowed from X3
Characters: Ray, Neela, Jean, Xavier, Abby, Cyclops, Kovac, Gates & pretty much all the X2 ensemble
Pairings: Ray/Neela, canon pairings
Wordcount: ~ 33,000 words
Rating: teen (PTSD, discussion of child abuse, mutant hate, things going boom)
Summary: Ray doesn't need the Professor to tell him that you can't outrun your past. But that doesn't mean he'll stop trying - even when his mutant powers destroy the life he has built in Chicago, and William Stryker targets his old team.
AN: This fic is a reimagination of X2 (and parts of E.R.), pretty much like the story might have worked out if Ray Barnett was a central comicverse character who thus had to have been a part of the movie. I hope that many people will have fun reading it no matter the fandom combination is so obscure! Thanks to gabilar94 for answering questions about Boston, and to millari, who did a fabulous job betaing. She, BTW, doesn't know either fandom, so if you're considering reading this despite only knowing one of them, I think it's absolutely worth a shot. Plus, there are fandom cheat sheets.
Fandom Cheat Sheet for those who don't know E.R. -- Fandom Cheat Sheet for those who don't know the X-Men Movieverse
Prologue -- Chapter 1 -- Chapter 2 -- Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Perched behind the desk in Jean's small study, Ray suppressed a sigh when he turned another page on the notes Hank had faxed him from Washington. Not only had his old friend been ready to take his concerns seriously - even if he'd assured him that Xavier knew best. He had also been delighted to explain his research on Jean's mutation, in depth, throwing around words Ray was positive he'd never encountered in med school.
Now he was stuck with what amounted to an issue of both mutant medicine and psychiatrics, and neither of those were anywhere close to his specialty. If it was true what Xavier claimed about Jean's mental state, Ray thought cynically, the only thing he'd be qualified to do if worst came to worst would be patching up the injured folks left in her wake.
Though at least, he'd be able to do that very fast.
Scott sauntered in, not bothering to knock. Ray suppressed a grimace, because speaking of problems. If Scott knew what Xavier had done to Jean... Well, Ray had no idea how he'd react, but there sure would be noise. Scott looked around in interest, as if checking if Ray had already dared making any changes to his fiancée's domain.
Ray closed the file and leaned back, because while Scott and he had become friends over the years, their way of talking to each other hadn't essentially changed.
"Anything I can help you with?" he asked rather unpleasantly.
Scott paused in the middle of the room, smirk appearing all over his face. That was one of the weird things about Scott: no matter that he couldn't use his eyes to tell people how he felt, he always did his utmost to keep his face accessible to everybody.
"You," he said like he was planning on cherishing this one, "are a poser and an idiot."
"And that would be why today?"
"Oh, you know." Scott's smirk deepened. "I remember when you went away to Chicago. You made everybody think that you were living the life - you had me almost convinced that it's true and it's all parties and one-night stands amongst the humans. Yet, now it turns out you left a girl behind. You. A real, honest to god relationship."
All of Ray's readiness to play along vanished. "I really didn't."
"I get why you wanted to leave the school better than you think, you know." Scott shrugged. "I even get why you were set on placing in Illinois, of all places." Illinois was a bad state to live in for mutants, always had been. "Claiming back your childhood dreams. Trust me, we've all been there." He smiled gleefully. "And now it turns out you're just hiding down here to brood because you're lovesick."
Okay, so that was about the last conversation Ray wanted to have. He snorted, making a point of putting his file back on the stash. "Right. I don't know what the Professor or Jean told you, but they should learn to stay the fuck out of my head." He grimaced. "If you really need to know, Neela wasn't my girlfriend. She never was. And whatever there was between us was over even before I attacked her boyfriend with a force field."
"Wow." Scott raised his eyebrows. "But that wedding you crashed wasn't theirs, I take it?"
Ray gave him an annoyed look. "It was our boss' and a friend's."
"I thought so. Otherwise, she'd be looking entirely too determined to see you again."
It took Ray a moment to grasp those words.
All color drained off his face. Neela.
"She's... what? She's here? Are you for real?"
"She's here," Scott confirmed. "Waiting for you in the infirmary. She liberated your forwarding address. It looks like she thinks that you owe her some answers." He was looking immensely pleased with himself. "Charles told me to give you a warning when he felt her coming, but why should I give you an opportunity to do something stupid? So I took the liberty of showing her around the school. I wouldn't want you to skewer her first impression of Xavier's..."
"Are you nuts?" Ray managed when his brain caught up. Blood was rushing in his ears. "You can't show her around the school. This place is swarming with mutants..."
"Charles isn't worried," Scott said levelly. "Plus, she already knows what you are."
"Yeah, well, she still doesn't know about the X-Men. It's still just a lie, isn't it? She doesn't know we were taught power control by Magneto. Why let her in just to tell her a new lie about the peachy mutant school we work for that saves helpless kids?"
"Because it isn't a lie."
"It's close enough."
Fuck, he thought, feeling dizzier by the second. Fuck. Neela had come. She had come. It couldn't mean that she'd made up her mind about him. It might all look like a grand gesture of mutant love to Scott, but she didn't know anything. She never would. Better make a cut and make her leave, instead of juggling her knowledge of what he really was and still telling her lies.
Because she had no idea what he was.
He'd stood up abruptly, Scott forgotten, moving to the door.
Scott's hand wrapped around his arm with an iron grip, betraying a strength that stood in startling contrast to his frame. He always was an X-Man more than a teacher. Another thing he didn’t have in common with Ray.
"Ray," he said. "This woman has come all the way from Chicago for you after you scared her out of her mind. Do you know how many humans would do that for one of us?" A stern look. "You'd be crazy if you wouldn't let her stay. Talk to her. Answer her questions and see what she wants. She deserves that much respect."
Ray pressed his lips together. Let her stay. He'd always wanted to let Neela stay. She'd always refused to stick around, always having important reasons to be somewhere else. Now that she'd come, there was a new chasm between them that couldn't be bridged. If she knew he was a mutant, the other things she didn't know started to matter.
But she was still Neela, and he'd always wanted her to come to him. So he rubbed his face, and nodded against his will, drawn towards the door.
---
Neela crossed her arms in front of her chest, anxiously, glancing around the odd infirmary that Scott Summers had told her to wait in - the one where Ray, supposedly, would be working as a school doctor. "He'll be part of the research team, too," Mr. Summers had brushed it off and given her the hint of a smile. "We just didn't want to complicate the paperwork. But he'll be taking care of the kids."
"What kind of injuries do you have to deal with here?"
"Oh, there are little power accidents all the time," Summers had said, and it had taken Neela a moment to understand he was talking of mutations. "Jean could tell you more about it. Bobby here..." He'd pointed at two young men working out on the lawn. One of them was throwing ice beams at the other. The other one was deflecting them by turning parts of his body into steel. "...tended to give his dorm mates frostbites when he first came to the school. Nightmares," he'd explained off-handedly. "He'd never been away from home before."
"Did Ray ever... did he ever..." she'd started saying, because Summers had mentioned, just before, that he and Ray had shared a dorm.
Summers had just looked at her for a moment through unreadable glasses. "Ray's force fields fire only intentionally," was all he'd said in answer.
School for the Gifted meant a school for mutants. It was impossible for Neela to wrap her mind around it. Ray had attended a whole school that had coached him on using those powers he'd been hiding, punching Tony with air and a wave of his hand. There had always been something that had set him apart from the other doctors at County, but she had thought it came down to unusual hair and a dream of having a career in music.
The infirmary reminded her strangely of Dr. Clemente, who had always pushed for top-notch technology and who'd also never quite fit in, albeit in a different way. Neela irrationally wondered if he'd been a mutant, too, shuddering at the thought. Last time she'd seen Clemente, he'd been drooling from a heavy dose of antipsychotic drugs - the day Michael had died.
She started when the door opened, suddenly threatening to panic because there Ray was, and maybe she wasn't ready after all.
He was dressed in his usual jeans and crumpled shirt, hair spiked daringly, but his expression was cautious and he shut the door very quietly, coming to a halt not far from it, across the room.
Neela exhaled a small breath. "Hi," she said, trying to be brave.
"Hey." His voice was very quiet. "What are you doing here?"
That's a very good question.
There was nothing inviting in his stance despite the soft tone of voice, and she had trouble finding words.
"I wanted to see you again," she tried, words tumbling out of her. "I couldn't just let you leave like that. I'm, I’m so sorry what happened, the way everybody reacted. And I tried calling you, but you didn't answer your phone and I... I can leave right now if you don't want me here."
There was a moment of silence, and a sudden pang of hurt, when he didn't react at all. He just looked at her. A firm and clear no would have been nice.
Neela cleared her voice. "I wanted to make sure you're alright."
"I'm alright."
"I never knew... I never would have guessed that you're..."
"...abnormal?"
"Oh, I've always known that," she said in a rush, snidely, huffing a nervous laugh. "That you're a mutant," she finished when the joke fell flat.
Ray grimaced. "I'm not all that different if I don't use my powers."
"I wish you had trusted me to know," Neela said helplessly, confused about the quality in his voice that she couldn’t decipher, so she just barged forward. It was true. It had been a shock, learning about it like that, a day before all hell broke loose on the news about mutant assassins and mutant terror. On her flight to New York, Neela had come to convince herself that she was better than that. She'd have come around faster if she'd been told differently, in a different situation, if he had told her as a show of trust. Sitting on their couch in their apartment, drinking beer.
A secret to share.
But you've never given him any reason to trust you before, she thought, thinking of Tony and Michael and a kiss goodbye in a van.
Surely Ray was thinking the same. Abruptly, he went into motion, not towards her but to the only exam table, starting to clean up the tray. "How are the others taking it?"
"They're coming around."
"Are they really?"
Pratt set on voting Republican the next time around. Sam looking away in guilt whenever Haleh needed to address her. Morris uncharacteristically silent and green around the gills when Frank brought up the mutie freak and how they should be glad to see him out, and everybody quietly relieved that the problem had gone away before it had become theirs.
"They'll come around," Neela declared.
Ray's lips twitched at that, faintly, acknowledging a sentiment he knew to be untrue.
It still should be true, though. If he'd just let her, Neela would make it true for him. Maybe it had been Summers' explanations and the fervent research she had done - that had just raised more questions - or just standing in the same room with Ray who wasn't sprouting wings and who hadn't turned blue.
She wanted to make it true, anyway. That should count.
"So I hear Scott has shown you around," Ray said, dumping an empty tube in the trash. "He probably gave you the booklet tour for the rich parents. I'm surprised he allowed you to enter the lower levels. They're usually closed to the public."
"He said he thought I'd want to see your workplace."
"I don't suppose he showed you what's under the basketball court, too."
"What do you mean?"
"Forget it." He gave her a short look at that, maybe regretting that he'd brought it up. "I don't think it's good for you to be here, Neela." There was a strain in his voice. "It's a really crappy time to get involved with mutants, and trust me, Scott only showed you the good parts. It looks all fancy, taking in mutant kids that have nowhere else to go and teach them how it's fun to have the super powers."
She blinked in confusion. "But it's a good thing, isn't it? They helped you pay for college."
"Kids grow up to be adults, is the problem." He paused, sighing, fixating his eyes on the exam table. "These kids are throwaways, Neela. They're good kids, they deserve a chance, but just because you put them in clean clothes and teach them English lit..." He turned around to her, facing her. "Each of them will go off into the world with a crapload of issues and really specific ideas on how to get the things they want with their powers."
Neela started, confused. "Doesn't that make it even more important to give them a positive environment?"
Ray grimaced, crossing his hands in front of his chest - a loud and clear defensive gesture. "Why are you here, Neela?"
"I made a choice," Neela said before she could think. "I wanted to be fair. I don't... I don't want things between us to end like this - not because of this." She took a deep breath. "I don't think it matters that you're a mutant," she managed.
He huffed a laugh. "You don't know what you're saying."
"How about you tell me then?" she answered, just a little exasperated. "One day you're just you, the next day you're suddenly a mutant. Everybody at County is scared, because nobody knows what you can do." She searched for words. "There's an ICU attending who swears you must be a telepath, because it's a... psionic power... and he classified you on some scale..."
"It's called a Ramson scale." Ray snorted. "It's bullshit. How did I score?"
"He says you must be a 4."
"See that's why it's bullshit." Ray rolled his eyes.
"So how..."
"It's just a way to say how dangerous people are. It... it makes it sound like that's all there is to know about it, alright?" He hesitated, conflicted emotions fighting it out on his face, then offered, like a compromise, "Scott's a 4."
"What does he do?" Something with his eyes, she'd thought, but hadn't dared ask.
"He shoots optic blasts out of his eyes." His face hardened. "He could level a mountain if he took off his glasses."
"Oh."
There was another agonizing moment of silence. Then, Ray reached a decision, because suddenly he was in motion, pushing the tray aside and turning towards her. "Still want to know what I can do?"
"Of course."
"Alright." Moving towards her, a buzzing sound was suddenly in the air, one that eerily sounded like Ewan McGregor brandishing a lightsaber. Something was pushing at her, insistently. Neela squeaked, stumbling backwards with every step Ray took.
Burying his hands in his pockets, he came to a halt in the middle of the room, the invisible force field hovering so close to her that Neela could feel it absorbing heat, softly charging strands of her hair.
"That's a psionic force field," Ray said, voice ungiving. "It could hold off sound, Scott's optic blasts - mostly it just knocks things over. It's a pretty standard psionic power. Really straightforward. It activates in the frontal lobes - you can look at my brain scans if you want. It's not useful for anything, except if you want to go and attack people. Like Gates."
It was a challenge. Everything about it was a challenge, there was nothing subtle about it. Run and hide, it was saying, Go away and never come back. Neela's heart was racing, refusing to calm down.
It's Ray, she reminded herself forcefully, bristling. He always dares people to run.
Except for her before today, but she had done it anyway.
Neela found herself reaching out, touching the field between them - trusting that he would stop her if it were dangerous to do so.
It started humming more violently when her fingers found it, though the sound was so low that she probably wouldn't have heard it if she weren't standing right in front of it.
It tickled, in a strange way, rigid like padded leather.
"Can you use it to hold back bacteria?" she asked, thinking of the E.R.
Something flickered across Ray's face. "I don't know," he said with a hint of exasperation. "I... Maybe. I guess if I practiced, I could learn."
Neela gave him a look to show what she thought of the fact that he hadn't.
Whatever it was that she had said to make it happen, a part of the Ray's defense seemed to have seeped out of him, not quite as set anymore on chasing her off. He moved closer, the force field still between them. Neela shuddered - because she always did when Ray got close, such a strong pull that had always left her so afraid. She remembered standing that close to him that day she'd moved out of the apartment, when she'd known he would bend down to kiss her and she wouldn't be able to ever let go if he did. She really had run that day.
He'd seemed so open and vulnerable then, set on letting her in.
He'd always offered to let her in.
Now she was looking up to him, the force field raising charged strands of hair into the air, and there was an edge on his face - wanting to offer and not daring. Not anymore.
What are you hiding, Ray? she thought. What's underneath?
"Do you want me to leave, Ray?" she repeated softly.
His eyes were glued to her lips with a strange expression of loss on his face; he didn't answer.
But he also didn't move to show her the door.
on to the next part