America's Son - Four
Pro & 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5, Epi, Notes
:::
Jensen was sullen at his brother’s event.
“What the hell is with the attitude?” Josh hissed. “You never act like this. Did you get in a fight with Jared?”
Jensen glared at him, but didn’t say anything.
Josh tilted his head. He knew how to read people, and his brother was like an open book to him.
“You broke up with him,” Josh said softly. “For real.”
Jensen looked down and would not meet his brother’s eyes.
“Go home,” Josh said gently. “I have to go raise money and this attitude you’ve got going for you isn’t going to help.”
“Fuck you,” Jensen muttered.
Josh didn’t take the bait. “Go home. I’m calling Chris.”
Jensen opened his mouth to argue, but he really didn’t want to put on the face right now. He walked out of the event without saying goodbye. He had no memory of getting in his car or the route that he took home. He was looking at his door before he came back to reality.
Jensen opened the lock of his door and prayed maybe Jared would still be there. He knew better, but part of him he didn’t know existed thought that maybe Jared would stay. Maybe Jared…
He opened his door. Chris sat on the couch with a bottle of Glenlevit on the coffee table.
As Jensen closed the door Chris poured the alcohol into a cup on the table.
Then Chris pushed over the drink. “He cleaned his stuff out. We break out the good stuff for this kind of thing.”
Jensen sunk down in the couch. “He’s just a kid, Chris.”
Chris raised a glass. “This ain’t no place for him.”
They drank in silence, drinking and not making eye contact. Josh came in after awhile.
The three of them just sat there. Nobody needed to ask if he was sure. Jensen was always sure.
But certainty didn’t make it hurt any less.
:::
Jensen and Chris went to the compound for the Fourth of July, where most of the family was pretty much ready to kill Jensen for his sullen, snide attitude. Chris had pushed him out the door early, much to everyone else’s relief.
The ride back was full of edgy silence, but they parked in the garage and walked through their lobby. Chris stopped to get the mail. There was a box there addressed to Jensen.
Chris raised an eyebrow at the San Antonio return address.
Jensen tried to not let his hands shake as he picked it up; it seemed to get heavier and heavier as he carried it up to their apartment.
Jensen set it on the kitchen block, they both looked at it for a long moment before Jensen sighed and grabbed a knife to open the box
Inside was a sheet of paper, written in Jared’s distinct scrawl.
I meant to say something that night, before you left, but I couldn’t figure out the words then. The thing is that you are a part of your family, but you are also more. You can be involved with them, but it doesn’t define who you are. You are funny and quirky and your voice is like butter when you sing. That is the guy you are, that is the guy that is pretty damned cool. Don’t ever stop being that guy. Here are some of your things that were in my room.
Jensen peered at the rest of the box’s contents. There was a copy of Kurt Vonnegut’s Cat’s Cradle, one of the few books that Jensen had read for fun, at Jared insistence; a Led Zeppelin shirt that Jared insisted on borrowing to look ‘cool’; U2’s Joshua Tree that Jared loved to sing off key to - an album that and Jensen was pretty sure that he would never be able to listen to again; and a few other things that had found their way into Jared’ stuff.
Seeing it all was almost as painful as the look on Jared’s face when Jensen had left him.
“It looks like junk,” Chris remarked.
Jensen looked down at the small pile and swallowed around the lump in his throat.
He pushed the package and stalked to his room, slamming the door between the box and himself, as if that would stop any of it from ever having happened.
:::
The summer was hot and long and Jared had nothing he had to do, so he was taking this time to work out a long dormant rebellious streak. He was angry and hurting.
Jared woke up groggy to the sound of his phone ringing. He looked over at the random guy sleeping next to him in the bed, wherever he was.
He reached around blindly, but when he saw the name on the phone, he didn’t hesitate before connecting the call, as he quickly got out of the bed.
“Hi,” he said closing the bathroom door, he leaned heavily against it.
“I never cared about the stuff,” Jensen said, softly slurring. “I liked most about you the things that weren’t all shiny. I liked that you would taste dessert with your finger first and I liked that you would talk to the help and the guest of honor in the same voice.”
“Jensen,” Jared hissed under his breath.
“No,” Jensen said. “I’ve gotten an earful about how people thought I judged you, but I never did, never. I love you and you are perfect and I don’t want that to change. Be pretty and smart and perfect.”
Jared covered his mouth with a hand, his shoulders shaking from the effort of keeping his tears from falling.
“You’re gonna see some things in the papers,” Jensen said tiredly. “They’re not all going to be true and they don’t mean anything, but it will keep the press off of you. You can go back to normal now.”
Jared opened his mouth, but Jensen spoke first.
“Be happy,” Jensen said, and hung up.
Jared stayed on the bathroom floor with the phone to his ear and his hand stuffed in his mouth for a very long time.
:::
Jensen began his second year of law school, praying that he wouldn’t run into Jared so he wouldn’t have to ignore him.
It was a success. He rarely saw hide nor hair of Jared. He would occasionally see Jared across the quad, a head taller than everybody else, but Jared was always far enough away that Jensen didn’t have to figure out what he was going to do.
Jensen had started watching TV, Jared had been a fan of supernatural television, he liked things that couldn’t possibly be real, Jensen would watch it to wrap himself in a cocoon like he could almost feel Jared there. He found himself doing laundry like it was something holy.
He knew it was weird, but he couldn’t figure out how to stop.
“Chad gave me something,” Chris said coming into Jensen’s room one night.
“Let’s hope it isn’t herpes,” Jensen said mildly. “That shit is for life.”
“Your sense of humor has become wonderfully cynical and crass since your break up,” Chris muttered, throwing down a piece of paper. “Don’t think I don’t appreciate it, but maybe let up every once in awhile; grandma is not pleased.”
Chris left the room and Jensen looked down curiously at the Boston Herald.
There in the financial section was a small column circled in red, five hundreds words max.
The world runs on the numbers of monies flowing through your fingers and into the world around you. Money is what defines everything, including your mood. You think you have free will, you think that you live in a capitalist society. Think again. I’m going to tell you how the government is defining the flow of your money, and all about the everyday money matters you never think of.
I don’t know everything, but I’m smart enough to find the answers to what I need to know. The true measure of wisdom is to always stay teachable, I want to challenge you, I want you to challenge me. I want us all to be able to be independent and self-sustaining. Just remember, if one of you becomes the next super billionaire, I just ask that you name me in your memoirs. So from here on in welcome to the ride.
Jensen had to smile sadly, with a little pride. It looked as if Jared was finding his feet. He wanted to call him; he wanted to just tell him how proud he was.
He looked at his cell phone and thought for a long few minutes before grabbing his books and leaving his apartment.
The phone stayed at home, just to be safe.
:::
Jared was hunched over his computer when Chad came in. He looked at Jared and sighed.
Jared ignored him.
Chad threw a pillow at his head to get his attention.
“Not that I don’t love the new you, the you who studies and is smart as hell, yet gives us all something to aspire to as the new town whore,” Chad began. “But you don’t look very happy.”
Jared continued to visibly ignore him.
“Hey,” Chad said. “Am I invisible?”
Jared stood up abruptly and turning the computer screen towards Chad before leaving the room.
Chad looked at the screen and groaned.
On the screen were the latest pictures of Jensen--face calm, cool, and composed on the arm of painfully perfect looking men. Chad didn’t know who it was this week, there had been Hollywood types and men from elite families.
With his outing and breakup, Jensen had quickly become the most eligible gay bachelor in the public eye. His outing had been spectacular, but any memory of who the young boyfriend a at the time had been had been eclipsed by these flashy new men.
Chad shook his head and got up to walk into Jared’s room.
“He doesn’t look happy either,” Chad told him.
“He can go fuck a horse,” Jared said violently, not looking up.
“Jared…” Chad began.
“No,” Jared said defiantly. “I don’t want to talk about this with you. ”
“That sounds vaguely insulting,” Chad said, his brow furrowed.
“How’s Sophia?” Jared said suddenly.
Chad rolled his eyes.
“No, really, Chad,” Jared said, finally looking at him. “You drop dates to go watch TV with her, but you won’t just date her even though you’ve been crazy about her forever. You’ve got this stupid plan in your head about how you’re going to win her over at the perfect moment, when the truth is you could be with her right now if you wanted to. So don’t tell me that Jensen doesn’t care about any of those guys, because it doesn’t fucking matter-he’s with them and not with me, and that hurts so much that I feel like I’m dying. I know that I wasn’t ready for anything remotely like Jensen Ackles’ life and I probably never will be, but at least I took the chance that I got and I will live with that agony, knowing I gave it the best I could at the time.”
Jared had tears streaming down his face by the time he was finished.
Chad was looking at him sadly.
“Do you regret it?” Chad asked softly. “Diving in with him? With the way that you feel now, do you regret it?”
The tears still were on his face, but Jared stared steadily at him. “No.”
:::
Jared and Jensen kept apart.
Jared wrote his articles and Jensen read every single word, kept every column as Jared explored the practical aspects of what he was learning, Jared able to take very complex ideas and apply them to the real world. He made finance accessible to the common people, Jensen was in awe.
Jensen was mesmerized by the man Jared was becoming.
Jared scoured the papers--the political and social pages--for word of Jensen. He had Joshua Ackles’ campaign website bookmarked on his computer.
But they didn’t speak.
:::
Jensen saw Jared clearly one day. There were three girls around him, smiling and laughing. Jensen felt groggy, like he was just waking up. He felt like he had forgotten something.
Jared looked over and caught his eyes. They stood like that, stark still, faces lifeless.
Jensen wanted to stand up and close the distance, but he couldn’t remember who he was, who he was supposed to be.
He had been living in the persona, he hadn’t been paying attention to himself. At the sight of Jared he wanted to go up and get that fix of normalcy that he always felt when Jared was around.
But Jared walked away, cutting off their momentary connection. Jared walked away and didn’t look back.
Jensen felt like his head was running over and over some idea that he couldn’t quite pick out until it hit him like a ton of bricks in the middle of a family gala at the Margaret Singer Sergeant museum.
He had a pretty guy on his arm, a man from a good family in from New York who. He was sitting at a table, dressed immaculately in designer clothes, the shining beacon of his family.
It was all very storybook.
Jensen was being the perfect date; he had gotten really good at the first two weeks of dating, and he had gotten very good at dumping someone with grace. He was hitting it all.
But at that moment he didn’t want to do it any more. He didn’t have any more of the persona left. Seeing Jared had brought back a portion of himself.
“So do you like these things?” Jensen asked his date, genuinely wanting to know.
His date looked mildly surprised by the question.
“I mean, I kind of like these things,” Jensen said, going on. “There is some layers of bullshit and people who want to put on the show, but I always love the new exhibits that Elise brings in, she really does a good job. You don’t have to like it, but I do. However, I’d much rather be at the game tonight.”
His date studied him for a moment, trying to get a read on him and then just spoke up. “Really? I didn't figure you for the athletic type. You seem so..."
Jensen laughed and interrupted. "Gay?”
His date looked a little sheepish.
Jensen took pity on him and smiled, but had to add. “I have many sides.”
When Jensen’s date spoke it was slow and hesitant. “I can’t believe I just did that. I hate it when people do that. Since coming out my family thinks that means I can’t like baseball and that I’m loving gallery things. In their eyes I went from jock to theater queen in one conversation. They have trouble seeing beyond the cliché.”
Jensen laughed a little. “So you think that I’m a cliché.”
His date just looked at him.
“Maybe I am a little,” Jensen said. “But why can’t I like both.”
“So you can be the cliché and the exception?” his date asked.
Jensen thought about it and he gave the first real smile in a long time. “Maybe I can just be whatever I want.”
His date laughed. “Show me then.”
Jensen gave him a funny look.
His date shrugged. “I have tickets to the game. They’re on the Green Monster and pretty crappy, but it is the Sox versus the Yankees. I can watch my boys kick your boys asses.”
Jensen made a face.
“What! You are a Ranger fan?” Jensen was teased.
“Guilty,” Jensen said.
“Oh my god,” his date laughed. “You are like the only one in the world. But you live here, so you’re kind of sucked in. Come on, come see your adopted home team.”
Jensen looked around the room; he knew that he was supposed to be here. There were things he had to do.
“I should stay,” Jensen said sadly.
His date leaned in, big blue eyes giving Jensen a look. “Do you always do everything that you think that you should?”
Jensen nodded. “Yes.”
“What do you want to do right now?”
The question was breathy, and Jensen pretty much knew that he could do anything right now, he could ask for the game, he could ask to take this man home, he could ask to stay here. He could have anything.
Part of him had been staying true for Jared. He wanted to be with Jared more than anything, but seeing Jared he realized that he was living for a moment that may never happen.
He lived for his family, he lived for the moment that Jared may be able to handle his life. He lived for all these expectations and most of the time it meant that he hibernated until there was someone else so he could be some role.
Seeing Jared made something wake up and he couldn’t hibernate any more.
Jensen leaned in and really looked at the guy.
“I don’t know what I want to do,” Jensen said.
“Well you’ve gotta start moving to figure out where you want to go,” his date said standing up and offering his hand.
Jensen looked at his hand for a moment and then took it to see what would happen next.
:::
Alexis and Hillarie sat on Jared’s bed. Jared moved around the room getting ready. The atmosphere felt something like a funeral.
“Well, at least he is giving dinner before fucking a try,” Alexis pointed out.
Jared looked over at her blankly.
Hillarie stood up and went to straighten Jared’s shirt. “Honey, its like your first date since that thing early sophomore year.”
“Although you’re aiming pretty low,” Alexis continued. “I mean you’re awesome and smart and you are going out with that dumb-as-bricks hockey player from BC?”
“Stop being stereotypical,” Hillarie said positively. “Not all hockey players are dumb.”
Alexis fixed her with a glare. “This one is. I’d almost pick your son-of-a-hippie ex over this one.”
Sophia swept in and threw herself on the bed.
“Alexis making fun of your legendary governor again? The man wears suits and makes a whole lot of money. He isn’t a hippie by anyone’s stretch of the imagination,” she laughed. “You Texas people are hilarious.”
Alexis made a face. “The man passed legislation on… I can’t believe you dated his son.”
“Lexi,” Hillarie sighed. “He’s dating someone--someone who is a hockey player from BC and not a Texas governor’s son. So maybe let’s not speak of people we’ve been trying really hard to get Jared over.”
“Amen sister,” Sophia said
Jared sighed. “Still in the room here. I can hear you talking about Jensen.”
Hillarie glared at Alexis. “See what you did? You made him invoke the ‘Dreaded J’.”
Jared looked at the mirror and put on a smile.
“Guys, it’s okay,” Jared said smoothly. “It isn’t going to change my mind. I’m going out. I can’t pine away for ever.”
Jared looked at his roommates. Their responses were very clear on their faces. Hillarie’s said ‘good.’ Lexi’s said ‘whatever.’ Sophia’s said ‘why not?’
:::
Jensen buried himself in his books and continued to be the top of his class.
It was late one night when Chris came into the apartment with another bottle of whiskey. He set it down on the table in front of Jensen.
Jensen just looked at the green bottle while Chris went to go get glasses.
Chris poured two glasses and gave one to Jensen.
“Jared is dating again,” Chris said after they had each drank a glass.
Jensen ground his teeth, the muscles in his jaw jumping. He grabbed the bottle without another word.
“Well, he has been dating for awhile. Now he’s got a boyfriend,” Chris said slowly.
Jensen closed his eyes.
They got really, really drunk. Jensen told Chris the things that he could never just let go, mostly things he would never say sober.
“When I smile for the cameras, the public ones, I smile for him,” Jensen said, all maudlin.
“Oh, holy disgusting fuck,” Chris sighed, drinking more, hoping that this wouldn’t be one of the things he remembered tomorrow.
“He is so new, he just needs to grow and build,” Jensen insisted. “He was just too new when I met him.”
“Maybe you gave him an end point,” Chris offered. “Something to aim for.”
“Well, that is just fucking great,” Jensen muttered. “I made Jared a better person and he’s out there with someone else. I am so glad that he is out there happy, but I hate this so much. When does it stop hurting? What the hell does it get me”
Chris just poured them another drink. “Way to be petty.”
Jensen glared at him.
Chris wisely stayed silent.
After a bit Jensen spoke. “God I am happy in who he is becoming. I just wish I were closer. I wish I got to see it close up, I wish I get to keep him while he was becoming this awesome guy.”
Jensen sighed and flopped back. Chris just studied him.
“Word on the street is that he’s the mind of a generation,” Chris said, looking down at his glass. “His professors nearly shit themselves over him. People are looking, people are talking.”
Jensen smiled in spite of himself.
“I don’t see why you don’t just go and tell him you still have a thing for him,” Chris said.
Jensen just shook his head slowly. “He’s got a life. And a boyfriend now. I’m not the prince any more, I’m just the ex boyfriend.”
Chris glared at him. “What you are is an idiot.”
“True enough,” Jensen said, leaning back and silently smiling for Jared’s happiness.
They stayed silent for a moment.
“I read his articles like they’re love letters,” Jensen admitted.
Chris sighed and let out the secret that he knew that he shouldn’t share. “That is why I gave them to you. Because they are.”
“Maybe in the beginning,” Jensen said. “But now they’re just him.”
“Idiot,’ Chris said. “Chad said that if it weren’t for Jensen Ackles Jared wouldn’t have the notice that he did.”
“He’s famewhoring me?” Jensen asked, knowing that it wasn’t true.
Chris groaned, “Idiot. Everything he writes is in reaction to something he feels about you. He owes his academic acclaim partially to you.”
“Like you said,” Jensen offered morosely. “I just showed him an end point. I don’t get to go along for the ride.”
Chris didn’t have anything to say to that.
“I hope he’s happy,” Jensen said with a small smile.
“Jensen,” Chris said, staring at him.
“Chris,” Jensen said, head lolling to the side to look at Chris.
“Maybe you should take off the sweater his mother gave you,” Chris said pointedly.
Jensen looked down at the handmade red sweater, given just before their lives went to shit.
“Not a chance in hell,” Jensen informed him, rolling the hem between his fingers.
:::
Jensen had was in the last year of law school and then he could get off this campus. He was going to work with Josh if he won election. Just a little while longer and he wouldn’t have to worry anymore about seeing Jared.
Jensen was drinking coffee, lap top open writing an opinion paper when he got another unobstructed view of Jared.
The only thing that his brain could spit out was that Jared had grown up so pretty, so very pretty. He had been working out and he was wider and taller and he moved with so much calm. The little nineteen-year-old kid was now a twenty-one year old man.
Jared turned around and was walking towards him. Jensen froze, but Jared didn’t even see him. Instead Jared walked up to a man and kissed him.
Jensen watched, his entire body going numb.
He couldn’t look away from Jared kissing some man.
Jensen wanted Jared to be happy, but this was too much. This made him want to hit something and he was not a violent man. This made him think that he was an idiot for never seeking Jared out.
Jared sat down, smiled with full dimples at someone who was not Jensen and Jensen died a little inside.
:::
Jared rushed home, to the place that he shared with Hillarie, Alexis and Sophia. Sophia was on the couch crying. Jared crossed the room and sat down and held her.
“Chad called me,” Jared said. “He is over the moon and terrified.”
Sophia cried more.
“He’s crazy about you,” Jared whispered.
“It doesn’t matter, not any more,” Sophia told him between sniffles. “It is too late. We’re almost done here, we’re almost done with Boston. Soon you leave the country and I pick a med school, hopefully on the other side of the country, and we’ll be done with them, with anything that has a memory of then.”
Jared swallowed trying to get rid of the ache in his throat; it felt like his heart was trying to escape.
“God, please let the real world be kinder,” Jared muttered. “I’m so tired of feeling like this.”
Sophia sniffled. “Why couldn’t they have been bigger douche bags? Why were they able to screw everyone else over but they were just nice enough to us to slam our hearts to pieces?”
“It will be better when we leave,” Jared said hollowly.
This was a lofty lie, but Jared didn’t know if it would ever hurt less to think about Jensen.
::
Jensen was walking through the library--he had mostly been ensconced in the law library but he needed to find a book in the main stacks and he found himself wandering around, feeling nostalgic, like Jared was right there.
He thought he was daydreaming at first when he turned in to a new row and nearly tripped over Jared.
He looked down, surprised that Jared could make himself so small.
Jared looked up sheepishly. He had a five o’clock shadow which was something that Jensen had never seen, the scruff made him look more mature. Jensen found him self wanting to poke Jared’s cheeks to see if those dimples would appear.
For a second Jensen noticed Jared’s hands tapping a book, Jensen wanted those hands on him with an intensity that wasn’t right.
Jensen sunk to his knees and Jared just watched him, eyes a little glassy from reading and too much dust.
“Hi,” Jensen said.
“Hi,” Jared answered.
Niether said anything, they were just openly staring, as the time went on it grew more awkward, but they couldn’t pull out of the moment.
“How are classes going?” Jensen asked after the silence had gone on way too long. It sounded ridiculous.
Jared just watched him, continuing the awkward silence. Finally Jared shook his head and answered the question.
Jared smiled. “If I make it through my classes with some kind of grace and I’ll have survived a double major, and I’ll have survived Harvard.”
Jensen gave a genuine smile.
“Good job,” he said. He didn’t know if it was alright to say that he was well aware of Jared’s accomplishments.
“And you?” Jared prodded. “Are you going to be a lawyer soon?”
Jensen was trying really hard not to touch Jared. The electricity between them was zinging and Jensen just answered the question rather than declare his undying love for Jared.
That was probably a bad move, but he needed to keep Jared right in front of him for as long as he could manage.
Jensen shrugged. “Maybe. I’m probably going to go work for my brother. There are some big things on the horizon and they want me to be part of it. I really want to be part of it”
Jared’s face fell a little, but he kept smiling.
Jensen knew he should leave. He needed to study, he had a paper to finish, but at this moment all that mattered were Jared Padalecki’s eyes. Two years had not been enough time to make the want stop.
He opened his mouth and he knew that he was about to tell the greatest lie of his life.
“Maybe we can be friends,” Jensen said. “I’ve kind of missed you.”
Jared looked at him. He didn’t look skittish; he looked Jensen in the eyes. There was something wiser in his eyes, there was a knowingness.
Jared looked at him and saw through him.
“Jensen,” Jared said, and as always the name sounded so right on his lips. “You did the right thing back then. I was so overwhelmed--I was in a new place and you showed me this bright shiny world that I had only had fantasies about. I worshipped you. But you know that isn’t enough, it wouldn’t have been enough. It never would have been equal.”
Jensen nodded, taking in every ounce of Jared he could because he felt like this may be the last time he had the chance.
Jared looked down at his lips. “I can’t be friends with you Jensen.”
With that Jared leaned over and pressed his lips to Jensen’s. Jensen gave in at the touch. It was like coming home after so long, soft mouth pressing against his, and a tongue snaking out to lick his bottom lip.
Jensen whimpered and then the touch was gone.
“I can’t be friends with you,” Jared whispered hoarsely against his mouth.
Jensen nodded and looked down.
It only took seconds for Jared to pick up his books and leave.
:::
Jensen was laying on his couch later that night. He was staring at the ceiling. He was thinking about drinking, but he just wanted to feel this--he just wanted to feel his hopes crumbling. He had never felt as big of a failure, he was pretty sure that he had done the right thing, but it felt absolutely miserable.
He needed to feel how much it was over, and feel even more how much it never would be again. He needed to feel that this was over.
There was a knock at the door.
He got up slowly, not caring who was at the door. It would be awesome to bitch someone out.
He opened the door.
Six-feet-plus flew through the door; hands were in Jensen’s hair, lips scratched against his, and a body slammed him into a wall.
Jensen gave back everything that was being thrown against him. Jared had gotten hard, his entire body solid. The scruff that Jensen had been mesmerized by earlier scratched against his face, making it all the more real that Jared was actually there.
Jared pulled back and put space between them. They were both painting hard.
“I had a boyfriend,” Jared said, voice raw.
Jensen tried to be sorry at the past tense. He failed.
He just looked hungrily at Jared.
Jared began to pace.
“See, here is the thing,” Jared said. “I meant it, you did the best thing in the world for me, back then. It took me awhile to realize it and it was fine, everything was fine, but you have to know that I would have stayed. I would have followed you into hell. I’m glad that I didn’t have to, and everything is fine now. But then you show up again, and I know that you didn’t mean to, but you just show up out of nowhere and I kiss you and I’m that fucked up kid all over again.”
Jensen slid to the floor, watching Jared pace like crazy. He really hoped that this would have a point soon because he was getting dizzy.
“I mean, I’ve got one semester and then I leave for the London School of Economics in June, and it’s a big deal. I am a big deal now, and there is so much going on in my life and I have a lot of work to do and I got home tonight and dumped my boyfriend because I take one look at you and it didn’t matter.”
Jared just looked at him and Jensen realized that he was supposed to say something. He swallowed and couldn’t figure out what. Jared cocked his head, prodding for an answer.
“Did you mean it?” Jared asked. “That thing when you were drunk all that time ago, when you said you liked my rough edges?”
“I like everything about you,” Jensen told him, trying to clear his throat. “Every little piece.”
Jared came and sat cross-legged on the floor in front of him.
They just looked at each other.
“How long?” Jensen finally asked.
“How long what?” Jared said.
“How long should I wait before I ask you out?” Jensen said. “There must be some kind of appropriate waiting period and I really don’t want to be a douche to your ex, but if you only have six months left here I want them, however I can have them, however you’ll let me.”
Jared just looked at him.
“You’ll take me on the perfect date,” Jared finally said. “Somewhere not too fancy, somewhere I’d like. I bet you have it picked out.”
Jensen met his eyes. “Skeeball. If I had the chance I’d take you for skeeball and pizza in New Hampshire.”
“How long have you been planning that?” Jared asked.
Jensen raised an eyebrow. “When did we break up?”
Jared closed his eyes and after a second opened them again. He nodded. “So after the perfect date, during which you make perfect self-deprecating conversation and we get to know each other all over again, and you learn the little things that have changed and are impressed at my confidence, and I’m impressed with how social you have become, because lord knows we haven’t been keeping tabs on each other, we’d…what would we do?”
Jensen spoke, so hesitant. “I just miss you; it won’t go away.”
Jensen just looked at him, thoughts that Jensen couldn’t read flying behind his eyes. Jensen would wait forever for the sentencing that would come from Jared’s lips.
“I can’t do it your way,” Jared said. “I can’t just wait passively by and just enter your world.”
Jensen’s heart fell a little.
“But you can meet me in mine,” Jared said hoarsely and gave him the rest of the information, then left as quickly as he’d come.
Jensen just sat there with his head against the wall, trying to figure out what had just happened.
::
Jensen fixed his hair again, knowing that it was fine. He stood before the door of the apartment that Jared told him to be at.
At that point there was nothing else to do but knock.
He raised his hand to knock and suddenly the door opened.
“I thought you were going to leave,” Jared said hurriedly, before regaining his composure.
“Jared,” Jensen said, his voice breaking a little.
Jared shook his head to rid it of the sound. “Come in, Jensen; dinner is just about ready.”
Jensen walked in and the apartment smelled like spice and warmth. It reminded him of Texas and dusty summer nights.
“Enchiladas?” Jensen asked, genuinely surprised.
Jared gave a flash of a smile. “My mom’s recipe.”
Jensen’s eyebrows went to his hairline. “You can cook?”
Jared shrugged. “I burn water.”
Jensen blinked. He didn’t really know what was going on. “Then how…?”
“My roommate is from Houston; she cooked for us,” Jared said. “I was a little surprised by her enthusiasm, and I’m a little worried that there might be rat poison in the food. She doesn’t like you very much; well, she’s very Republican and very Texan--she doesn’t like your dad.”
Jared just shrugged and turned to bring the food to the table. Jensen just watched appreciative for this little moment
“Your roommate is awesome to hate me and my family,” Jensen began.
“And everything that you stand for,” Jared added with a smile, this time a real one.
“And that too,” Jensen added. “Yet she makes us this awesome meal. What is up with that?”
Jared made a face. “She didn’t so much like the ex. She is awesome, but doesn’t like many people. It was the lesser of two evils. Even with what she knew about you--mostly from me, but some from the trashy magazines and Chad--she still digs you more than the ex.”
Jared seemed to be trying to prove a point without actually saying the words. Jensen had a feeling he knew where this is going.
“If you let him go,” Jensen said. “He must not have been that important; you deserve better.”
“I only have six months,” Jared said softly. “I wasn’t really looking for serious. I was just looking for something pretty for six months.”
“Jared,” Jensen began sadly.
Jared came back and began to speak, just to make sure that Jensen was clear. “I’m leaving in six months; you’re going to work for your brother. I don’t think that the ending is going to change. The thing is that it hasn’t gone away and I just don’t care anymore. But it is going to end in six months.”
Jared threw it out there, threw the truth between them. Jensen swallowed because that was all that Jared was offering. There was an ending date.
Jensen just looked at him, Jared was making the rules, part of him was bristling at the lack of power he had over his situation, the other part was thanking heaven that Jared would give him six months.
“What changed your mind?” Jensen finally asked, not ready to give yet, needing to know why this meal was cooked for him, to know where Jensen was coming from.
“Chad,” Jared admitted sheepishly.
Jensen snorted. “Really? Chad? Of all the insane, constantly crazy people. His last fuck up was epic. He married a girl he knocked up and this is what inspired you back to me?”
“Never saw that one coming; it was quite stunning” Jared admitted. “There is part of the back story that pretty much no one knows. It was about this girl he was he gaga over since freshman year, he had this whole grand plan to sow some wild oats and wait for senior year to make his move. He waited and one of his wild oats came back pregnant second semester junior year and she was the right type of person so he had to marry her.”
Jensen looked confused. “The girl he got pregnant wasn’t the one that he was gaga over?”
Jared shook his head. “No, no Kenzie is not the one he wanted to be with, but his parents approved of her. Sophia is a scholarship kid at BU and has more taste in the tip of her tongue than most people ever could hope to have, but she grew up in a trailer in North Carolina. His parent might have tolerated her because she was going to med school, but a pregnant girl of the right family triumphs her.”
“Ouch,” Jensen said cringing. “So this is about being the right kind of people.”
Jared was confused and he shook his head. “No, nothing like that. This has nothing to do with that kind of thing. Chad doesn’t think like that; he never cared that I didn’t know about tennis and golf and I had never set foot in a country club. Chad never saw me as anything but me.”
“I never did either,” Jensen interjected, feeling jealous and needing Jared to be sure.
Jared smiled softly. “I know.”
And Jensen was sure that he knew.
“So if it isn’t class, what changed your mind?” Jensen prodded.
Jared shrugged. “I thought for so long that it wasn’t right, that it wasn’t us, it was the timing. That maybe if we had the timing right we would be okay, but Chad waited for the perfect moment for his perfect girl. He lost his chance. Sophia and Chad--it hurts to be in a room with them, because yeah, Chad can be a douche, but he was wild about her and she thought he was like the one real thing in this world. He never lied to her and she never judged him. They threw it away. I don’t want to throw you away. It might be the wrong time again and maybe it isn’t ever going to be right, but I don’t want to miss it. I will take six months rather than never again.”
Jensen thought hard for a moment.
“You don’t worry that it will just make it worse,” Jensen said, slowly.
“We can do it right, just take it slow. No sleepovers, just have a fling,” Jared told him. “I’m just tired of fighting it all the time.”
Jensen nodded, because that was more than he ever thought he would get again. He’d take what he could.
“I can do what you are asking,” Jensen told him. “For as long as you are offering.”
Jared smiled, dimples coming out at Jensen again.
:::
Jensen left at a perfectly respectable ten o’clock, they didn’t kiss, they didn’t touch, they just sat and talked.
When he got home he was confused and turned upside down. He had Jared back, if only for six months.
But he had Jared for six months.
Chris was waiting up when he got back, sitting in the dark and strumming his guitar.
“Hi, Mom,” Jensen said quietly as he set his keys on the coffee table.
“You’re back way too early,” Chris said sternly.
Jensen could see that he was gearing himself for the worst.
“He misses me,” Jensen told him. “But he’s got this awesome opportunity in London in six months, but he wants to be with me now, for those six months.”
Chris looked confused. “Why does it have to end? It’s, like, a five-hour flight to London.”
“I have Josh’s campaign, he’s got the London School of Economics,” Jensen said sadly. “We’re just going in different directions.”
Chris looked at him incredulously. “That is fucking insane. Most of the cousins have at least bicoastal relationships. Grandma and Grandpa had two years of only letters during the war before they were married. For the love of Christ we have Skype now.”
Jensen rolled his eyes. “I hardly think that our family is the prime example of how to do relationships. Most of those cousins have divorce and infidelity. Long distance relationships never work.”
“Well, maybe you should do the impractical thing for the two of you,” Chris said. “But you’re a fucking idiot with a defeatist attitude, so I’m going out.”
Jensen watched him walk down the hall towards to his room.
“Chris, I want to go out too,” Jensen said finally.
Chris popped his head out the door. “Randomly? To something that isn’t an ‘event’? You’ve only done that one time, I will not enable debauchery on the eve of your getting back together with Jared. You are not going to ruin the next six months before they happen.”
Jensen swallowed. “I’m not going to hook up. I’m not going to be debauched, but I need to go out there. Before I can dream for us, I have to figure out what I am dreaming about. I just want to go out and see the world.”
Chris snorted. “Harvard Square is hardly the world, but I appreciate the effort. Let me find my shoes.”
:::
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