What's the worst thing you could hear while blowing Willie Nelson?

( *whispers* )

1) Fuck me!
2) Toss you for the next round?
3) Bottoms up!
4) Can I bum a fag?
5) Can someone push my stool in please?

I went to the garden centre today to buy our Christmas tree and the cashier asked me "will you be putting it up yourself?" I said "No you sick fuck, I'll be putting it up in my front room!"

Q: Two potatoes are walking down the street. One of them is a prostitute. How can you tell which one is the prostitute?

A: It's the one stamped "Idaho."

Q. What is the difference between a non-executive director in the financial sector and a shopping trolley?

A. The shopping trolley has a mind of its own.

Did you hear about the goldfish that went bankrupt?

( answer )

guy: have you ever had magic sex?
girl: no, what's that?
guy: we have sex and you disappear.

 A: I’ve got to get to the doctor and renew my prescription of birth control pills. I can’t afford to get pregnant! 
B: But I thought you said your husband had a vasectomy 
A: He did. That’s why I can’t afford to get pregnant!

In honor of the mother of the octuplets, Denny's is offering a new breakfast meal: the Octo-Slam, you get fourteen eggs, no sausage, and the guy next to you has to pay the bill.

Submitted by a first grade girl for a homework assignment …sheer class!!


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