Chris asked me a question last night at the Cold War Kids concert. He asked me if I always thought sad thoughts. He also asked me if I was happy. He meant on the whole
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I’d love to tell you that the rough times are over and that it’s been nothing but sunshine and beauty queens ever since, but God is still drawing my eyes to the tough issues. Currently, there are two main problematic points with my thinking:
1) That despite my belief in the changing power of Jesus, despite my belief that this world and the people in it really can change, that I know the impact it’s had on my life, I still believe the nicest thing you can do for your kids is not to have them. This is closely tied to:
2) I’m not a suicidal thoughts kind of guy, but there’s a thought that won’t quite leave my head. It’s a thought that devalues everything I know: If I had a choice at the beginning of time, in a meeting with God to determine whether or not I exist, I’d still choose not to. I have good friends and family, I’m often happy, but there’s something eating at me below all of that. There are days when it’s only barely no, but it’s always on that side of the line.
Sometimes i wish i was a suicidal kind of girl.tryptichOctober 6 2008, 17:48:09 UTC
I doubt there are better words to describe the pervading tone of my life than those you wrote in your testimony. some people get a lot of hope from tiny little things, but i'm not one of those people--knowing that life is crap doesn't make me inspired to enjoy the faint shreds that it gives you. it all feels so pointless. i'm tired.
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From part one of my testimony:
I’d love to tell you that the rough times are over and that it’s been nothing but sunshine and beauty queens ever since, but God is still drawing my eyes to the tough issues. Currently, there are two main problematic points with my thinking:
1) That despite my belief in the changing power of Jesus, despite my belief that this world and the people in it really can change, that I know the impact it’s had on my life, I still believe the nicest thing you can do for your kids is not to have them. This is closely tied to:
2) I’m not a suicidal thoughts kind of guy, but there’s a thought that won’t quite leave my head. It’s a thought that devalues everything I know: If I had a choice at the beginning of time, in a meeting with God to determine whether or not I exist, I’d still choose not to. I have good friends and family, I’m often happy, but there’s something eating at me below all of that. There are days when it’s only barely no, but it’s always on that side of the line.
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