[fic] icarus lives.
icarus lives.
r - blohyuk
part two of the icarus trilogy
challenge fic: 30smiles: theme set alpha: #18 - cause and consequence
summary: when you run away from what you need most, when what you need most is what you can’t let yourself have. "i'll make you a promise. the day you tell me you love me, i'll move in." the beginning of the push-and-pull you read in icarus walks.
daniel rubs at his eyes with a free hand as the other flies across the paper in front of him. it's right here, right in his fingertips, the last pages of his story, and it's finally going to be done.
and after it is, daniel will have to wake up from the dream of his apartment and face reality until he writes again.
"I can't meet you, touch you, hold you... I'm going to meet you in my dreams again tonight."
it's the last line, the last piece of his brain that'll be picked apart by the critics until the next book, and daniel smiles to himself as he stretches his arms above his head.
the apartment is still and silent, and daniel can hear cars flying by outside. the city never sleeps, because it, by definition, is noise and life and midnight pancakes and a movie at early dawn. daniel likes the night sounds because it makes him feel that much connected to the life around him. daniel's never seemed to fit in quite right with breathing and eating and enjoying. daniel's always been the boy on the sidelines, watching and learning while everyone else plays and experiences. he's never regretted that until now, and even now it's not quite regret.
"when are you ever going to stop being alone?" jin's voice from last night rings in his ears as he remicrowaves his cup of coffee from four hours ago. "you're the only one not Connected, and it's not normal... and part of it's your fault. you never go out, you never bother to be human. i'm scared for you, daniel." and jin had frowned and held close the red-head he'd Connected with just six-month ago, heechul with the wide mouth and the innocent words that reached underneath your skin before you had a chance to defend yourself.
"maybe daniel's just not meant to be happy." heechul had shrugged and tugged on jin's hand and the two had left with quiet pleasantries.
daniel shakes his head at himself. he'd learned over the years that remembering is nothing worth spending time over. he looks over the papers filled with his handwriting and gets ready to type and edit and be mindless for just a little bit more.
---
"i don't like it." donghae holds one of hyukjae's hands tightly, painfully, and his eyes are huge. "i don't like you moving out, not yet."
hyukjae smiles and pats donghae's cheek. "i can't live with you forever, 'hae. especially now." automatically, donghae's eyes turn to the figure of the boy lounging on the couch in the small living room, idly flipping channels on the television.
"kibum doesn't mind. i can't let you just go off and- and kibum says-"
"kibum talks?" hyukjae grins and donghae automatically hits him on the shoulder. kibum looks up from the tv and his face is something hyukjae's can’t read, but isn't unkind. "i'll be fine. i'm moving tomorrow, and that's it, okay?" he cuts off donghae's frantic spill of words with a look.
hyukjae's known he would move out the day he'd moved in with his best friend two months ago. there would be no way hyukjae could live depending on donghae to take care of him, the only reason he'd moved in at all being his building had been sold to a company that would rather have it be a shopping mall then anything else. hyukjae had needed a place to think and regroup, and he'd finally found a small apartment in a rundown but quiet neighborhood he could afford on his sportsman's salary.
donghae wants to say something patronizing, it's evident in the way his mouth tightens, but he doesn't, because hyukjae shakes his head. it's finished. "all right, okay, fine. if you get mugged and killed, it's not my problem..." he looks petulant and a pout is starting but all of a sudden his stomach grumbles and kibum looks up from the television again with a sheepish smile. donghae only grins, instantly calm. "he's hungry. it's... it's really too amazing, hyukjae. now i can feel what he feels. it's just..." he trails off and hyukjae has to force his replying smile.
there's only one thing in the world that hyukjae is afraid of, and that's Connecting. hyukjae knows the consequences of not Connecting, he knows about the painful years he'll endure before he basically wastes away, but the thought is less terrifying then the idea that the only way he could survive in the world was to give his mind over to someone, to have all his feelings and wants and hates known to someone else. that person would be inside his very skin, they would know him like he knew himself, and it's not something hyukjae wants. the worst thing in life would be to be so well known by somebody that wasn't you.
---
"you need to move out of this gutter." jungshik makes a face as he climbs up the stairs to daniel's apartment. "you're a famous author, for fucks sake, and this dump is the only place you'll live at? i swear you were born just to be contrary, daniel."
daniel barely listens to jungshik's complaining because a headache has settled in his mind, and it's the second one that day. he knows what it means, but he's not sure if he's relived that it's finally started or not.
since the day daniel turned twenty-five, three all too short years ago, he's been waiting for this. he's been waiting for this period in his life, the most painful years he'll ever live because he wasn’t Connected. he's heard it varies in people, that it can start anywhere from twenty-eight to thirty-two, end from fifty-eight to sixty-five. daniel guesses he must be right on time.
"daniel, are you listening to me? daniel." jungshik pushes at his shoulder and daniel realizes he's been staring at the keypad to his door.
daniel blinks and pushes in numbers. “i'm starting to get headaches."
jungshik is silent for moments, then his face turns pale red. "daniel, man, i- goddamnit, why don't you just go and Connect already? his voice is a near shout as he stomps into the apartment after daniel and slams the door shut. "it's not like its hard or anything, all you have to do is leave this fucking apartment for once."
daniel rubs at his temples. "shut up, will you? amy's going to call soon, she'll feel you're angry." on cue, jungshik's cell phone starts to ring.
jungshik's eyes blaze as he answers the phone and turns his back to daniel. "no, i'm fine baby... no, i'm just at daniel's... yeah, i know... i know, i know, i'll calm down. okay, yeah bye, love you." he hangs up and he sighs and rolls his eyes as he turns back to daniel. "she almost yelled at some patients."
daniel finds it easy to be sarcastic while his head is staring to feel like its being sawed in half. "and you want to know why i'm not Connected yet... you being Connected to a doctor of all things." and he leans against the counter of his kitchen as his stomach starts to clench.
---
hyukjae looks at his finally furnished one-room apartment and smiles. "i really like it."
junsu leans against one of the walls and pants. "i don't know why i had to be the one to help you move in. i could be out meeting people right now."
hyukjae slaps at the other boy’s head. "that's all you care about, people people people."
"well, i'm sorry that i'm normal and actually want to go and be Connected one day. sorry i'm such a conformist." junsu runs his hand through his hair and hyukjae wonders as he always does, how someone as put-together and cool-looking as junsu could be so stubbornly bratty.
the walls of his apartment are covered with yellowing wallpaper, the floors are rough with wear, and the window by the bed is cracked, but hyukjae loves it the way a king would love his palace. this is his own kingdom, free to be run however he wanted, and that was more precious than jewels and slaves.
"hyukjae... are you sure you'll be fine here? the locks are so flimsy..." all of junsu's earlier complaining has slowly vanished, replaced by his usual mother-like concern for his childhood friend.
"i'll be fine, okay?" hyukjae's smile is genuine and distant as he stares out the window of the kitchen area, the only other window.
---
daniel never thought he'd get Connected in such a clichéd way.
he stands in the middle of the sidewalk outside of his publishing company, the first copy of his new book in his arms, and stares at the young man making his way towards him.
his hair is softly brown and his eyes are on the people passing across the street. there's nothing outstanding about his jeans and his dark hoodie and the duffel bag slung over his shoulder.
daniel's fingers clench into the spine of his book as the headache that's been nonstop for days suddenly disappears. he's always wondered how you knew, listened to his friends stuttered half-explanations in exasperation, and know he realizes that there are no words.
there's just a boy with too-thin legs and his head in the clouds walking his way and the instant knowledge that that boy was going to change his life from now on.
daniel steps forward, stops. is it supposed to be this easy? how could he accept this so quickly? another stop, then another. was this is? he takes one more step and the boy walking his way suddenly stops and his eyes latch onto daniel's, and daniel knows his name as if it were always on the tip of his tongue.
"hyukjae."
---
hyukjae can't breathe.
there's the tiniest, most awkwardly put together man he’s ever seen standing feet away from him and he knows that his name is daniel, and that daniel knows his name and this is the end of his life.
hyukjae's moving without thought, and so is daniel, and they're inches away from each other as people brush past them. hyukjae's bag feels too heavy on his shoulder.
he looks down the couple of inches to meet daniel's eyes, wide and unblinking, and he knows that daniel usually years big round eight-year-old glasses and jeans with old sneakers and messy hair, not the neat black suit he’s wearing with his hair slicked carefully down.
"you play soccer. you don't like the new coach, but the new goalie is okay."
daniel's voice is deeper than hyukjae was expecting.
he takes in the black-covered book in daniel's arms, and he knows that daniel's been writing without pause for about three days.
"it took you longer to write this one." the words spill from his mouth.
daniel's surprise looks like it's under glass, there but blurred and uncertain. "let's go talk."
hyukjae nods.
---
it scares daniel slightly that he knows hyukjae prefers tea to coffee, that he likes to sit facing the oncoming traffic, that he drums out beats on the table when he's thinking of exactly what to say.
"what now?" hyukjae sips his tea slowly, slowly.
daniel doesn't know. "i don't want to act like we've been together forever." daniel realizes just then that that's the scariest part of Connecting. that people can move in with people they've met just a day before, that people can drop everything and act like that the person sitting across from them is the one they've seen all their lives.
he's expecting surprise, for hyukjae to be strongly opposed, it'll be the normal reaction.
instead, hyukjae's eyes widen and he lets out a shaky breath, relief evident in the way he finally relaxes back in the booth. "i'm glad. i don’t want that either."
daniel is taken back, but the smile that crawls up his mouth is mirrored by hyukjae's.
---
hyukjae's fingers clench in daniel's hair and daniel hisses, gasps for air and pushes down. hyukjae's thighs are warm against his back, the warmth of him inside daniel is heady, like warm alcohol on his skin.
"i- i- i-" hyukjae's stuttering, hips straining up, daniel understands because he can feel what he feels, and what hyukjae feels. it's overwhelming, it's almost like the migraines he's starting to get, tight and burning in his chest. hyukjae groans deep, his hands drop to daniel's hips and holds him still and daniel's not sure if he's passed out or dead, there's fire at his fingertips, and when he can pull air into his lungs again, he's damp and sticky against hyukjae's chest.
it's been two weeks since the first meeting at the sidewalk. hyukjae had left with a smile, and daniel had suffered every day since. he's learned the hard way that the stories people tell are true; the longer and further away you are from the person you're Connected to, the more pain you suffer. he had thought it was only him, that maybe because he was older, he felt the Connection deeper, but he'd been wrong.
he'd opened the door earlier to frantic bell-ringing and hyukjae had rushed into his apartment in tears, clutching at his head, at daniel's clothes, and daniel hadn't bothered to wonder how hyukjae had found his apartment as he'd pulled hyukjae close and felt all his aches disappear.
hyukjae's chest finally rises and falls steadily, and daniel pushes himself up to stare down at hyukjae's sleepy eyes, red nosed from crying.
daniel can't understand the feeling rising up his chest, the feeling as if he's utterly alone in the world with his worries floating above his head in clouds. he thinks that maybe it's what hyukjae feels, but he still doesn't understand anything except ah- this is how it feels to feel what someone else feels. he can't move his hands from hyukjae's skin because hyukjae isn't hot, isn't cold, is still and frighteningly familiar underneath him.
"i love you." hyukjae's mouth doesn't seem to move. his eyes are big as he bites on his lips in surprise, in worry.
that's what daniel's been feeling. the word -love- feels like raindrops on his heart, and he can't stop the rising of his lips, the clenching of his fingers around hyukjae's. he wants to say the words back, but there's a tiny part of him that wonders if he can keep it to himself, if there's anything left of him that he can hide.
so he says nothing, he brushes his lips across hyukjae's, and the light in hyukjae's eyes means that he understands.
"stay with me. " daniel blinks down at hyukjae's sleepy face.
"okay." hyukjae is complacent and warm and drowsy, he's nodding and answering even as his eyes start to slide closed.
daniel knows that hyukjae doesn’t mean what he means, but he stays quiet.
---
"just stay, okay?" daniel thinks he should be more composed then this, more mature, but he isn't. he can't write a single word, he spends his days and nights and afternoons in bed because his entire body is a ball of flame that hurts down to his fingernails. his hands are tight around the cloth of hyukjae's shirt, he can think clearly for the first time in a week. he's never hated hyukjae's height as much as he does as he tries to shake the younger man.
hyukjae looks away. "i can't."
"goddamnit." daniel throws away all the pride he has left and hits a fist into hyukjae's shoulder. "just stay with me, please. i won't boss you around, i won't get in your business. just stay with me."
"no." hyukjae lets himself be pushed and pulled, hit, but his voice rises to match daniel's. "i won't, no matter what, so just stop asking. leave me alone." he pulls away from daniel and slams out of daniel's apartment.
the headache comes quicker this time around as daniel yells and overturns the small wooden coffee table in this living room with hyukjae's unfinished tea cup.
---
hyukjae is always the first one to crumble. he always calls first, in the middle of the night. "i love you, i just can't-"
daniel is the one to end things. "don’t say anything. just come home." hyukjae doesn't argue, daniel tracks his progress with the lessening of his stomachache. he thinks about the times when sitting alone in his apartment was peaceful, was a refuge. he opens the door of his apartment before hyukjae makes it up the last flight of stairs.
"i'm sorry." hyukjae mumbles his apologies into daniel's neck.
"i know." daniel doesn’t apologize because he knows he's right. hyukjae should be with him all the time. there shouldn't be pain and longing and always missing each others fingers by inches.
hyukjae pulls away and sighs. "i'll make you a promise. the day you tell me you love me, i'll move in."
daniel feels a burst of warmth, smiles and opens his mouth-
-and nothing comes out. his smile fades. he can't say it. he's never been able to, and he realizes that hyukjae knows that all too well.
daniel cusses under his breath. he holds the answers to everything in his hands, but he knows he won't be able to use it. he can't say what hyukjae needs to hear because- because he's scared. daniel is absolutely terrified of how much more he'll hurt if he says i love you.
daniel cusses again, hyukjae's expression is a mix of amusement and hurt, the two fall into bed angry and longing.
note: i promised this one forever and a year ago, i'm sorry. and yes, there will be a part three, the final part, but who knows when that'll be up, ohmigod.
r - blohyuk
part two of the icarus trilogy
challenge fic: 30smiles: theme set alpha: #18 - cause and consequence
summary: when you run away from what you need most, when what you need most is what you can’t let yourself have. "i'll make you a promise. the day you tell me you love me, i'll move in." the beginning of the push-and-pull you read in icarus walks.
daniel rubs at his eyes with a free hand as the other flies across the paper in front of him. it's right here, right in his fingertips, the last pages of his story, and it's finally going to be done.
and after it is, daniel will have to wake up from the dream of his apartment and face reality until he writes again.
"I can't meet you, touch you, hold you... I'm going to meet you in my dreams again tonight."
it's the last line, the last piece of his brain that'll be picked apart by the critics until the next book, and daniel smiles to himself as he stretches his arms above his head.
the apartment is still and silent, and daniel can hear cars flying by outside. the city never sleeps, because it, by definition, is noise and life and midnight pancakes and a movie at early dawn. daniel likes the night sounds because it makes him feel that much connected to the life around him. daniel's never seemed to fit in quite right with breathing and eating and enjoying. daniel's always been the boy on the sidelines, watching and learning while everyone else plays and experiences. he's never regretted that until now, and even now it's not quite regret.
"when are you ever going to stop being alone?" jin's voice from last night rings in his ears as he remicrowaves his cup of coffee from four hours ago. "you're the only one not Connected, and it's not normal... and part of it's your fault. you never go out, you never bother to be human. i'm scared for you, daniel." and jin had frowned and held close the red-head he'd Connected with just six-month ago, heechul with the wide mouth and the innocent words that reached underneath your skin before you had a chance to defend yourself.
"maybe daniel's just not meant to be happy." heechul had shrugged and tugged on jin's hand and the two had left with quiet pleasantries.
daniel shakes his head at himself. he'd learned over the years that remembering is nothing worth spending time over. he looks over the papers filled with his handwriting and gets ready to type and edit and be mindless for just a little bit more.
---
"i don't like it." donghae holds one of hyukjae's hands tightly, painfully, and his eyes are huge. "i don't like you moving out, not yet."
hyukjae smiles and pats donghae's cheek. "i can't live with you forever, 'hae. especially now." automatically, donghae's eyes turn to the figure of the boy lounging on the couch in the small living room, idly flipping channels on the television.
"kibum doesn't mind. i can't let you just go off and- and kibum says-"
"kibum talks?" hyukjae grins and donghae automatically hits him on the shoulder. kibum looks up from the tv and his face is something hyukjae's can’t read, but isn't unkind. "i'll be fine. i'm moving tomorrow, and that's it, okay?" he cuts off donghae's frantic spill of words with a look.
hyukjae's known he would move out the day he'd moved in with his best friend two months ago. there would be no way hyukjae could live depending on donghae to take care of him, the only reason he'd moved in at all being his building had been sold to a company that would rather have it be a shopping mall then anything else. hyukjae had needed a place to think and regroup, and he'd finally found a small apartment in a rundown but quiet neighborhood he could afford on his sportsman's salary.
donghae wants to say something patronizing, it's evident in the way his mouth tightens, but he doesn't, because hyukjae shakes his head. it's finished. "all right, okay, fine. if you get mugged and killed, it's not my problem..." he looks petulant and a pout is starting but all of a sudden his stomach grumbles and kibum looks up from the television again with a sheepish smile. donghae only grins, instantly calm. "he's hungry. it's... it's really too amazing, hyukjae. now i can feel what he feels. it's just..." he trails off and hyukjae has to force his replying smile.
there's only one thing in the world that hyukjae is afraid of, and that's Connecting. hyukjae knows the consequences of not Connecting, he knows about the painful years he'll endure before he basically wastes away, but the thought is less terrifying then the idea that the only way he could survive in the world was to give his mind over to someone, to have all his feelings and wants and hates known to someone else. that person would be inside his very skin, they would know him like he knew himself, and it's not something hyukjae wants. the worst thing in life would be to be so well known by somebody that wasn't you.
---
"you need to move out of this gutter." jungshik makes a face as he climbs up the stairs to daniel's apartment. "you're a famous author, for fucks sake, and this dump is the only place you'll live at? i swear you were born just to be contrary, daniel."
daniel barely listens to jungshik's complaining because a headache has settled in his mind, and it's the second one that day. he knows what it means, but he's not sure if he's relived that it's finally started or not.
since the day daniel turned twenty-five, three all too short years ago, he's been waiting for this. he's been waiting for this period in his life, the most painful years he'll ever live because he wasn’t Connected. he's heard it varies in people, that it can start anywhere from twenty-eight to thirty-two, end from fifty-eight to sixty-five. daniel guesses he must be right on time.
"daniel, are you listening to me? daniel." jungshik pushes at his shoulder and daniel realizes he's been staring at the keypad to his door.
daniel blinks and pushes in numbers. “i'm starting to get headaches."
jungshik is silent for moments, then his face turns pale red. "daniel, man, i- goddamnit, why don't you just go and Connect already? his voice is a near shout as he stomps into the apartment after daniel and slams the door shut. "it's not like its hard or anything, all you have to do is leave this fucking apartment for once."
daniel rubs at his temples. "shut up, will you? amy's going to call soon, she'll feel you're angry." on cue, jungshik's cell phone starts to ring.
jungshik's eyes blaze as he answers the phone and turns his back to daniel. "no, i'm fine baby... no, i'm just at daniel's... yeah, i know... i know, i know, i'll calm down. okay, yeah bye, love you." he hangs up and he sighs and rolls his eyes as he turns back to daniel. "she almost yelled at some patients."
daniel finds it easy to be sarcastic while his head is staring to feel like its being sawed in half. "and you want to know why i'm not Connected yet... you being Connected to a doctor of all things." and he leans against the counter of his kitchen as his stomach starts to clench.
---
hyukjae looks at his finally furnished one-room apartment and smiles. "i really like it."
junsu leans against one of the walls and pants. "i don't know why i had to be the one to help you move in. i could be out meeting people right now."
hyukjae slaps at the other boy’s head. "that's all you care about, people people people."
"well, i'm sorry that i'm normal and actually want to go and be Connected one day. sorry i'm such a conformist." junsu runs his hand through his hair and hyukjae wonders as he always does, how someone as put-together and cool-looking as junsu could be so stubbornly bratty.
the walls of his apartment are covered with yellowing wallpaper, the floors are rough with wear, and the window by the bed is cracked, but hyukjae loves it the way a king would love his palace. this is his own kingdom, free to be run however he wanted, and that was more precious than jewels and slaves.
"hyukjae... are you sure you'll be fine here? the locks are so flimsy..." all of junsu's earlier complaining has slowly vanished, replaced by his usual mother-like concern for his childhood friend.
"i'll be fine, okay?" hyukjae's smile is genuine and distant as he stares out the window of the kitchen area, the only other window.
---
daniel never thought he'd get Connected in such a clichéd way.
he stands in the middle of the sidewalk outside of his publishing company, the first copy of his new book in his arms, and stares at the young man making his way towards him.
his hair is softly brown and his eyes are on the people passing across the street. there's nothing outstanding about his jeans and his dark hoodie and the duffel bag slung over his shoulder.
daniel's fingers clench into the spine of his book as the headache that's been nonstop for days suddenly disappears. he's always wondered how you knew, listened to his friends stuttered half-explanations in exasperation, and know he realizes that there are no words.
there's just a boy with too-thin legs and his head in the clouds walking his way and the instant knowledge that that boy was going to change his life from now on.
daniel steps forward, stops. is it supposed to be this easy? how could he accept this so quickly? another stop, then another. was this is? he takes one more step and the boy walking his way suddenly stops and his eyes latch onto daniel's, and daniel knows his name as if it were always on the tip of his tongue.
"hyukjae."
---
hyukjae can't breathe.
there's the tiniest, most awkwardly put together man he’s ever seen standing feet away from him and he knows that his name is daniel, and that daniel knows his name and this is the end of his life.
hyukjae's moving without thought, and so is daniel, and they're inches away from each other as people brush past them. hyukjae's bag feels too heavy on his shoulder.
he looks down the couple of inches to meet daniel's eyes, wide and unblinking, and he knows that daniel usually years big round eight-year-old glasses and jeans with old sneakers and messy hair, not the neat black suit he’s wearing with his hair slicked carefully down.
"you play soccer. you don't like the new coach, but the new goalie is okay."
daniel's voice is deeper than hyukjae was expecting.
he takes in the black-covered book in daniel's arms, and he knows that daniel's been writing without pause for about three days.
"it took you longer to write this one." the words spill from his mouth.
daniel's surprise looks like it's under glass, there but blurred and uncertain. "let's go talk."
hyukjae nods.
---
it scares daniel slightly that he knows hyukjae prefers tea to coffee, that he likes to sit facing the oncoming traffic, that he drums out beats on the table when he's thinking of exactly what to say.
"what now?" hyukjae sips his tea slowly, slowly.
daniel doesn't know. "i don't want to act like we've been together forever." daniel realizes just then that that's the scariest part of Connecting. that people can move in with people they've met just a day before, that people can drop everything and act like that the person sitting across from them is the one they've seen all their lives.
he's expecting surprise, for hyukjae to be strongly opposed, it'll be the normal reaction.
instead, hyukjae's eyes widen and he lets out a shaky breath, relief evident in the way he finally relaxes back in the booth. "i'm glad. i don’t want that either."
daniel is taken back, but the smile that crawls up his mouth is mirrored by hyukjae's.
---
hyukjae's fingers clench in daniel's hair and daniel hisses, gasps for air and pushes down. hyukjae's thighs are warm against his back, the warmth of him inside daniel is heady, like warm alcohol on his skin.
"i- i- i-" hyukjae's stuttering, hips straining up, daniel understands because he can feel what he feels, and what hyukjae feels. it's overwhelming, it's almost like the migraines he's starting to get, tight and burning in his chest. hyukjae groans deep, his hands drop to daniel's hips and holds him still and daniel's not sure if he's passed out or dead, there's fire at his fingertips, and when he can pull air into his lungs again, he's damp and sticky against hyukjae's chest.
it's been two weeks since the first meeting at the sidewalk. hyukjae had left with a smile, and daniel had suffered every day since. he's learned the hard way that the stories people tell are true; the longer and further away you are from the person you're Connected to, the more pain you suffer. he had thought it was only him, that maybe because he was older, he felt the Connection deeper, but he'd been wrong.
he'd opened the door earlier to frantic bell-ringing and hyukjae had rushed into his apartment in tears, clutching at his head, at daniel's clothes, and daniel hadn't bothered to wonder how hyukjae had found his apartment as he'd pulled hyukjae close and felt all his aches disappear.
hyukjae's chest finally rises and falls steadily, and daniel pushes himself up to stare down at hyukjae's sleepy eyes, red nosed from crying.
daniel can't understand the feeling rising up his chest, the feeling as if he's utterly alone in the world with his worries floating above his head in clouds. he thinks that maybe it's what hyukjae feels, but he still doesn't understand anything except ah- this is how it feels to feel what someone else feels. he can't move his hands from hyukjae's skin because hyukjae isn't hot, isn't cold, is still and frighteningly familiar underneath him.
"i love you." hyukjae's mouth doesn't seem to move. his eyes are big as he bites on his lips in surprise, in worry.
that's what daniel's been feeling. the word -love- feels like raindrops on his heart, and he can't stop the rising of his lips, the clenching of his fingers around hyukjae's. he wants to say the words back, but there's a tiny part of him that wonders if he can keep it to himself, if there's anything left of him that he can hide.
so he says nothing, he brushes his lips across hyukjae's, and the light in hyukjae's eyes means that he understands.
"stay with me. " daniel blinks down at hyukjae's sleepy face.
"okay." hyukjae is complacent and warm and drowsy, he's nodding and answering even as his eyes start to slide closed.
daniel knows that hyukjae doesn’t mean what he means, but he stays quiet.
---
"just stay, okay?" daniel thinks he should be more composed then this, more mature, but he isn't. he can't write a single word, he spends his days and nights and afternoons in bed because his entire body is a ball of flame that hurts down to his fingernails. his hands are tight around the cloth of hyukjae's shirt, he can think clearly for the first time in a week. he's never hated hyukjae's height as much as he does as he tries to shake the younger man.
hyukjae looks away. "i can't."
"goddamnit." daniel throws away all the pride he has left and hits a fist into hyukjae's shoulder. "just stay with me, please. i won't boss you around, i won't get in your business. just stay with me."
"no." hyukjae lets himself be pushed and pulled, hit, but his voice rises to match daniel's. "i won't, no matter what, so just stop asking. leave me alone." he pulls away from daniel and slams out of daniel's apartment.
the headache comes quicker this time around as daniel yells and overturns the small wooden coffee table in this living room with hyukjae's unfinished tea cup.
---
hyukjae is always the first one to crumble. he always calls first, in the middle of the night. "i love you, i just can't-"
daniel is the one to end things. "don’t say anything. just come home." hyukjae doesn't argue, daniel tracks his progress with the lessening of his stomachache. he thinks about the times when sitting alone in his apartment was peaceful, was a refuge. he opens the door of his apartment before hyukjae makes it up the last flight of stairs.
"i'm sorry." hyukjae mumbles his apologies into daniel's neck.
"i know." daniel doesn’t apologize because he knows he's right. hyukjae should be with him all the time. there shouldn't be pain and longing and always missing each others fingers by inches.
hyukjae pulls away and sighs. "i'll make you a promise. the day you tell me you love me, i'll move in."
daniel feels a burst of warmth, smiles and opens his mouth-
-and nothing comes out. his smile fades. he can't say it. he's never been able to, and he realizes that hyukjae knows that all too well.
daniel cusses under his breath. he holds the answers to everything in his hands, but he knows he won't be able to use it. he can't say what hyukjae needs to hear because- because he's scared. daniel is absolutely terrified of how much more he'll hurt if he says i love you.
daniel cusses again, hyukjae's expression is a mix of amusement and hurt, the two fall into bed angry and longing.
note: i promised this one forever and a year ago, i'm sorry. and yes, there will be a part three, the final part, but who knows when that'll be up, ohmigod.