When All Else Fades (Merlin/Arthur, PG-13) Part II
Part I | Part III
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A week, then another passed but Merlin showed no signs of improving. Arthur found himself pacing near the corridor of Gaius’s rooms whenever he had time away from his duty. Early evenings were spent slumped on the chair by Merlin’s side.
Perhaps more disconcerting than finding George opening his curtains when he blinked his eyes against the streaming morning light that first morning, was the quiet. After Gwen had left, it had seemed Merlin was determined to fill her absence with clatter about the daily goings around the castle and in the lower city. The first few days, Arthur found himself pausing as if waiting for Merlin to find him, his ears waiting to hear Merlin’s voice. Despite his anger, which was slowly waning as days past, he missed Merlin. He missed Merlin’’s grumbling behind his back at council meetings and the loud clatter that greeted him whenever he found Merlin waiting for him. Arthur even missed the late breakfast and the messy disarray his rooms were more often than not when Merlin was around.
A little over three weeks later, Gaius brought the news that Merlin had awaken, but the sharp look the elder physician gave Arthur when he delivered the news confirmed the suspicions Arthur had-- that Gaius had always known about Merlin’s magic.
Arthur didn’t rush immediately to check on Merlin, even though he still found himself pacing in the corridor near Gaius’s chambers. Instead he questioned Gaius about everything he knew about magic. Adding the other pieces of all the incidents that happened in the past. Days passed, a week then another, and still Arthur found himself making excuses. Excuses that were falling flat with rest of the knights, who didn’t understand why Arthur refused to check up on Merlin. Gwaine constantly harassed him and even Leon was starting to give him disapproving looks. Each day he would tell himself that he would check. That today would be the day. But every time, he would talk himself out of going to see Merlin. It was as if things would shatter and it was easier to pretend this way.
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It was only because Arthur found himself pacing in the corridor that he saw Merlin, pale and thin-looking, a small knapsack slung over his shoulders.
The idea of Merlin leaving. Fear made him stand still, made it difficult for him to breath before he moved frantically blocking Merlin’s way.
Merlin stared at him shock and then fear, and Arthur wanted to step back and pull away, the ache in his chest sharpening.
“Where are you going?” Arthur demanded instead, grabbing onto Merlin's arm.
“I don't know, back to Ealdor maybe,” Merlin replied, his voice a low rumble and his eyes downcast.
“Who says you can leave Merlin?”
“You know.”
Arthur pushed Merlin against the wall, “Yes, I know. But who said you can leave?” Arthur asked again, angry as he leaned in half wanting to drag Merlin back to his chambers. After a moment, Merlin finally glanced up at him.
“You want to bring me to the stake,” Merlin said resigned, the surety of that statement made Arthur flinch back as if he had been slapped.
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“The law, it's why I never---”Merlin started but stopped, shrugging his shoulders.
“You didn't trust me,” Arthur countered.
Merlin shook his head, “No that wasn't it. I didn't want you to have to pick---”
“It would have been my choice Merlin. I don't need you to decide--”
“But it's my duty to protect you and---”
Arthur pulled away, “And what of my duty to protect you?”
Merlin looked away, “It doesn't matter now does it? I broke the law.”
“And I'm the king.”
It takes Merlin a moment or two to understand what Arthur is implying.
“But,” he said, his eyes darting across Arthur's face searchingly, “You aren't mad?”
“Of course, I'm mad Merlin. Expect double stable mucking duties for the foreseeable future.”
“What about---”
Arthur rubbed his forehead as he interrupted Merlin, “For how long?”
“What?”
“How long have you been practicing?”
“I was born with it.”
“You were born with it?” Arthur asked, eyes widening with disbelief.
Merlin frowned at him, “Is that so hard to believe? You can ask Gaius.”
“Yeah, I probably should. I still can’t believe that he was hiding a sorcerer in plain sight.”
Arthur was taken aback by the panic-stricken look that broke across Merlin’s face and the way Merlin’s hands shot out grabbing a hold of his tunic, “He only it did it to protect me Arthur. It’s all my fault he lied.”
Arthur sighed as he looked at Merlin, “I’ve already talked to Gaius.” Not being able to resist the urge to comfort Merlin. “He’s not in trouble. Though he knows better than to do it again.”
“But--” Merlin started, face scrunching as if ready to leap into an argument, and something in Arthur’s heart eased at the sight.
“But nothing. There won’t be a need for him to do so in the future. It has been brought to my attention that there might be certain laws that are in need of thorough revision.”
“Certain laws?” Merlin asked, blue eyes widening, voice faltering, “You don’t mean---”
“There’s a lot we need to talk about Merlin,” Arthur said instead, not waiting for Merlin to follow him.
Merlin followed Arthur into his chambers quietly for once. When Merlin took a sit at the table, Arthur paused at the wave of relief at the sight.
As he looked at Merlin’s expectant face, he could feel some of the tension from the past few months, the past year slowly easing from his shoulders.
“Start from the beginning.”
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After that conversation and the many others that followed in the late evenings in the privacy of Arthur's rooms, things started to get back to normal. The wound on Merlin’s side had healed completely before turning into a pale scar in the months that followed. As spring faded into summer, Arthur found himself laughing more with the knights despite how heavy the crown sat against his brow. There were still times, when melancholy would strike him, whenever he thought of his father or Morgan. Or Gwen, but it was Merlin more often than not that brought him back from the darker edges of his thoughts. It was almost like before Morgana had changed...and Gwen had left, he sometimes wondered. And yet, it was much more different.
Between the fire the roared to life with a twitch of Merlin's fingers after Arthur had impatiently shouted at Merlin to get on with it and the tension that slowly faded from Merlin's eyes as the gold always did, Merlin seemed to settle back into their old routine with ease. The odd distance that had always existed between them, the truth about Merlin’s magic was no longer there. But it had left Arthur feeling slightly off-kilter.
At first, he thought it was just the fear of losing someone else close to him. Sometimes there would be dreams of Merlin dying and it took all his willpower not to get up and check on Merlin. Instead he lay in bed, willing his heartbeat to calm down, fist clenching as he tried not to think of Merlin's pale face when he had carried him, almost half dead. The rest of the night was spent half asleep, half-waiting for the clumsy clatter that arrived each morning as Merlin stumbled in to wake him.
But the closer he looked, the more he realized that there were pieces of Merlin that he didn't know or perhaps he hadn't paid close attention to know. Did he always love blackberry tarts? Arthur wondered as he pushed his plate away pretending to be finished, saying Merlin could have the rest of his meal. The bright grin Merlin shot him as he munched happily seemed to warm Arthur better than the fire did.
There were times when Arthur's breathe would catch. Were his eyes always that blue? Or is it that tunic that makes them so?
Times for no reason at all, he wanted to shout at Gwaine and challenge him to a joust, whenever he would find him and Merlin laughing over a shared joke sprawled out on the practice field, Merlin's dimple flashing as he tossed his head back.
His eyes would seek out Merlin more often than not and it would be disquieting when he was sent on errands for days on end. Finding Merlin had almost become a second-nature. Something Arthur never thought about until Leon made an off-handed comment about it one day in the practice field. Leon had managed to nearly score a point when Arthur had paused mid-defense surprised. Had he always been able to find Merlin that easily out of a crowd? I don’t know when that happened.
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There had been nothing special about that day. During a particularly tiresome evening spent with the council discussing the new grain tax, the suddenly off-kilter world finally made sense.
He and Merlin had shared several commiserating looks when Lord Caradoc kept droning on about every individual tax collected from his holdings. One comment that came across more as an innuendo made Arthur hide his amusement behind some papers. He chanced a sidelong glance to Merlin only to see that Merlin was having trouble hiding a similar grin. Arthur’s grin softened from one of amusement to one of contentment. The rays of light from the sun hit Merlin’s face at the perfect angle to catch the sparkle of mirth and mischief in his eyes. His smile---the smile that Arthur had learned in the past few weeks was for him alone, widened with the hint of a dimple breaking out when Merlin caught Arthur’s gaze.
Oh, Arthur thought, smile faltering.
Merlin frowned at him and Arthur shook his head, heart sinking. He turned to look down at his papers, studiously ignoring Merlin for remainder of the council meeting.
Arthur was the first one out the door at the end of the meeting. One of the council members attempted conversation as he walked by him but Arthur quickly made excuses before the man could get a word edgewise. He focused all his energy on getting out of the enclosed space, not even pausing to risk a glance back to see how much distance he had put between himself and Merlin.
He kept walking until he turned a corner, after which he flat out broke into a sprint to get out of the castle.
Shit Shit Shit. Arthur repeated the mantra until he entered the woods behind the castle
When he got to a small clearing he fell onto the ground in a boneless heap. This could not be happening.
“Is something wrong?”
Arthur sat up in a crazed panic and stared with dread at the last person he wanted to see at that moment.
“How…” he shook his head. Magic. Right. “I’m fine. Just need to think.”
Merlin tilted his head with a look that clearly said that he wasn’t buying it.
“Did something happen?”
Arthur sighed. He stood up slowly, looking everywhere except at Merlin.
“Is it me?” Merlin asked, hesitantly.
Arthur finally looked up at Merlin to see his concerned and worried face. The damn rays of sunlight had followed him here again at just the right angle to give Merlin a soft, ethereal glow.
Arthur studied Merlin’s face, searching for anything that would disprove his sudden revelation. Merlin merely stared back, curiously. Arthur’s shoulders slumped down in disappointment. There was nothing he could do. He must just resign himself to his fate.
Arthur licked his lips, preparing himself. “I…” He started, his voice coming out strangled. Merlin’s brows drew together in concentration. He moved closer to Arthur to better hear him which only caused Arthur to tense up. Merlin place a hand on his arm to reassure him, “What is it, Arthur?”
It took every ounce of willpower that Arthur had to not jerk away from the contact, “Well, I, uh…”
Merlin only leaned closer, his concerned face looming so near that Arthur was afraid Merlin would hear his rapid heartbeat.
“Hey Merlin,” Gwaine called out and Arthur sagged with relief as Merlin turned to look at Gwaine. Gwaine had changed out of his armour and behind him, Percival and Galahad stood waiting, both of them also dressed in common clothes.
“Of course, you’re with the King.” Gwaine said amusedly, almost too soft for Arthur to hear.
“Sire,” Gwaine said giving Arthur a nod before turning back to Merlin, arm casually slung across Merlin’s shoulders. Arthur’s fingers twitched as he watched them and it was a close thing that Arthur didn’t pull Merlin away. But when Gwaine looked at him, his eyes considering before giving Arthur a knowing smile, Arthur looked away.
Gwaine said, Arthur noting the amusement in his voice, “You said you wanted to go to the t---”
Merlin stumbled into Gwaine, stepping onto his foot, and Gwaine staggered back, cursing under his breath.
Arthur eyed Merlin sharply, but Merlin avoided his eyes as he pushed Gwaine along, “I never said that. Off you go.”
“But---”
“Delusions, I think you’re having delusions. You might want to see Gaius for that.” Merlin said loudly as he turned back to Arthur.
“You were planning to go to the tavern, weren’t you?” Arthur asked shrewdly.
“I don’t go to the tavern as much as you think I do.”
“I know, you already told me.”
Merlin fidgeted and Arthur wanted to reach out and steady him. To make him stand still or pull him close, he wasn’t sure.
“You should go,” Arthur replied staring moodily at where the knights had been a moment before.
“But---”
“As long as you’re not being stupid, which I know for you is kind of difficult,” Arthur said, grinning at Merlin’s loud, “Hey!”
“You want to come?”
"No," he needed time to think.
“Are you sure you’re okay though?”
“I’m fine Merlin.”
“It’s not about Gwen, is it?” Merlin asked, his fingers hovering near Arthur’s elbow.
“No.” The pain and bitterness that once was there whenever he thought about Gwen had faded, healed over like a scar, “ I regret the way things ended, but I don’t regret that I loved her once.”
“I see,” Merlin said nodding, “Wait, don’t you mean--”
“Merlin” Arthur said impatiently as he stood up, “Don’t you have a tavern to go to? Besides don’t expect me to allow this in the future.”
Merlin looked up at him, eyes thoughtful as he studied Arthur.
After a moment, he murmured “Yes Sire,” as he stood up as well.
Heart heavy, Arthur watched as Merlin go and catch up with Gwaine and the others.
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Part I | Part III