foolish people 1 (2014 fix)
foolish people 1
kyuhae(?), broken!kyumin / r / 6600w
In which Kyuhyun broke up with Sungmin, both are having difficulty coping with it, and Donghae visits Kyuhyun at night when they think Sungmin is asleep.
notes: 2014 (major) fix of earlier version. see author's note at the end of the post here.
warnings: self-harm, non-con
foolish people 1
Sungmin’s eyes are fixed on Kyuhyun. The corners of his lips points downwards, and his fingers clutches his knees, knuckles pale by the tight grip. The rain outside patters against the pavement, and people are muttering amongst themselves like an echo in a memory. Time doesn’t stand still, but neither Sungmin or Kyuhyun moves.
Disregarding Sungmin’s presence, Kyuhyun sits impeccably still. With crooked fingers he clutches his empty cup, and he stares at the bottom as if seeking answers from the dregs. A pearl of sweat smoothes down his temple, and he swallows.
How are you feeling?
Sungmin’s voice wavers, cracking like the sound of someone stepping upon a dry leaf. Kyuhyun glances briefly in his direction, and Sungmin’s eyes flicker down to his lap. His pale, small fingers fiddles with the hem of his shirt, and Kyuhyun looks away with a start. The disheveled hair, the darkness underneath his eyes… He wishes he could take it all away, but knows very well he is not the one to do it.
His knees are shaking as he stands up, and he staggers over to the kitchen with his cup barely grasped by his fingertips. The wood creaks underneath his silent steps, and in the kitchen he refills his cup with black coffee. He wants to grimace just by the smell. Kyuhyun has never liked the bitter taste. However, even bitter coffee is better than the alternative.
Smoke emerges from his refilled cup, and the liquid wobbles as Kyuhyun steps back to the living room. His fingers burn, and drops spill at the floor. Kyuhyun steps over them, seating himself in the engulfing armchair with a groan. Sungmin’s eyes stays at him until he places the cup on the table to waste away.
How are you feeling?
Sungmin’s voice sounds strained, as if he is tired of asking, and his lips forms a thin line as if a knife carved it out from his marble face. Kyuhyun fumbles for his cup and blows on the coffee to cool it down. He takes a sip, feeling the burn sear into the flesh. He swallows, but the hollowness doesn’t subside.
∞
Baby, please.
Donghae, no. Get out of my bed.
But I need you.
But I said no. Get out.
∞
Kyuhyun has a lot of things coiling within that needs to be let out. There are things he’s done and things he hasn’t. Memories of people he wishes he could forget, but is facing everyday; subtle touches, rushed kisses, dark secrets whispered into flushed ears. It whirls inside him like a constant nausea, a flip of the stomach. He knows only broken images, and the darkness gives no shelter; he finds no relief.
He is clutching the toilet seat when someone knocks at the door. His bones feels as though they are quivering, and he stands up with a curse under his breath. Inhale. Kyuhyun’s head swirls as he opens the door, and he wipes the corners of his lips. The colors and shapes are ambient, swaying, and Kyuhyun muses his eyes as he struggles with keeping his balance. Exhale. If the person outside the door notices the stench, he doesn’t remark it.
Kyuhyun?
Hyukjae is frowning.
Are you… alright…?
His words fade as soon as they are uttered, his eyes falling upon Kyuhyun’s pale face and shuddering body.
I thought I heard some noise from within, so I just… I just wanted to check.
Kyuhyun grips the frame of the door, leans his head on top of his hand.
I’m fine, Hyukjae. Don’t worry about me, he says, and waits until Hyukjae has gone until he closes the door and puts a finger down his throat.
∞
The rain drums against the window in a constant pitter-patter. Kyuhyun is in the kitchen, spending one of his rare schedule-free days sitting by the table reading a manga he borrowed from his friend Hyukjae. It’s unusual for him to have a day off, considering that they are in the midst of preparing a comeback. Super Junior’s fourth album, Kyuhyun’s third. Each comeback brings some sort of sentimentality to him, a kind of reminder that he is progressing in life when everything else seems to stand still.
Hyukjae, who also has no schedules, rummages through the closets in the kitchen. He’s muttering under his breath as he stands on the tip of his toes, trying to reach for the cups placed on the upper shelf. For reasons Kyuhyun can’t fathom, Hyukjae had decided to make some tea for the two of them. Just to be nice.
Kyuhyun looks up from the manga and frowns. He wonders about Hyukjae. Hyukjae is always giving, expecting nothing in return. He smiles when his friends smile, and cries when they do. He’s a person of empathy and care, although his appearance on stage often shows another persona. The one of confidence and selfishness. Kyuhyun asks himself why he can’t be more like Hyukjae, gentle and caring on the inside, and confident on the outside. Confidence has become such an abstract concept, and even more so the concept of affection.
He yawns as he flips the page, not really paying attention to the drawings at all.
Do you want sugar in it? Hyukjae calls over his shoulder, finally reaching the cups after having climbed on top of the counters. Kyuhyun sends a flat stare in Hyukjae’s direction, evoking a sheepish smile from the asker.
Just kidding, Hyukjae says in a chuckle. I know how you like your tea.
Kyuhyun doesn’t remind Hyukjae that he has never really liked tea.
A couple of minutes later, Hyukjae places the cup in front of Kyuhyun, taking a seat beside him. Kyuhyun resumes his reading while he waits for the tea to cool down, noticing Hyukjae peeking over his shoulder. Some pages later, Hyukjae is shamelessly commenting on the story as Kyuhyun goes. By the time they reach the ending of the volume, half a cup is emptied and Kyuhyun has caught Hyukjae touching his shoulder comfortingly more than twice. Kyuhyun starts wondering what’s up with him today, when the door to the dorm slams open and interrupts his thoughts.
In the hallway there is a whole lot of ruckus, bag being slung at the ground, keys dropped at the floor, shoes kicked off, and jacket thrown over the couch. Then the person enters the kitchen and declares his arriving in a sing-song manner.
I’m home!
Kyuhyun, quite annoyed by the ruckus, cares not to see who entered and resumes his reading, hoping Hyukjae will follow after. However, Hyukjae disappoints and curiously peeks up, exploding into a beam.
Donghae! he exclaims happily, jumping down from his seat to greet his best friend. Kyuhyun freezes at the mention of Donghae’s name and holds his gaze at the nothingness, gripping the manga like his life depended on it. Donghae laughs behind him, blabbering some rubbish, and their excited chatter unexpectedly annoys him more than he thought it would. The next second Donghae slumps down on the chair next to Kyuhyun.
What's up, maknae?
Donghae leans his upper body over the table, maneuvering himself into such a close proximity that Kyuhyun can feel his cold breath and the smell of his cologne-deep musk.
Hmm?
Donghae watches bemusedly as Kyuhyun attempts to appear busy with reading, when in reality the words are blurred and dancing on the paper, black ink on white paper slurring into an incomprehensible mess of gray. Kyuhyun muses with his eyes. He probably makes out a word or two, but nothing makes sense anymore and it’s all Donghae’s fault. Everything is Donghae’s fault.
Kyuhyun chances on a peek at him from the corner of his eye, only to find Donghae’s eyes already drilling into him. Hyukjae’s tiny voice asks what’s going on but flies by unnoticed. The silence hangs heavily in the air, and Kyuhyun’s adam’s apple bobs. He closes the manga.
I’m sorry, but I’m busy.
His voice is thin as paper, and Kyuhyun has the decency to feel bad for lying, however only for a second. Donghae chuckles and grabs his wrist, thumb pressed firmly between his veins.
Oh, but you aren’t, he says with a lopsided grin. Come with me.
With another chuckle, Donghae pulls Kyuhyun up on his feet and drags him over to Kyuhyun and Sungmin’s shared bedroom. The entire scene earns a puzzled look from Hyukjae, who watches them uncomprehensively.
The door closes behind Kyuhyun and Donghae. Not with a bang, but silently after them, like a suffocating clunk.
∞
I said no.
And I say yes. I’m your hyung, remember?
When did being my hyung give you authority to do… this?
You know you want it just as much as I do. Feel, I’m already ready for you.
No, Donghae. I don’t. I… I really don’t. Plea-ah.
∞
Sometimes Kyuhyun wonders if breaking up with Sungmin was a mistake. Whenever Sungmin cries himself to sleep, which is quite often while whimpering his name, Kyuhyun feels a thug inside of him. He’s wretched by the thought of having caused so much pain for someone he used to comfort without question.
On nights like those, he knows Donghae won’t come. On those nights he prioritizes StarCraft over sleep, hoping the sound of robotic voices and aliens shrieking indistinctly will tune out Sungmin’s sobs.
It doesn’t.
∞
Oh, Kyuhyun! I was just looking for you, Sungmin beams excitedly, sitting down next to Kyuhyun on the floor where he is playing a video game.
You won’t believe what-
Kyuhyun cuts him off, not averting his gaze from the TV screen.
Sungmin, whatever you’re going to say, I don’t care. Go bother someone else.
Sungmin stifles, hurt flashing through him as he looks pleadingly at the other. His lower lip quivers, and he draws his knees tightly against his chest.
But Kyuhyun-
Still don’t care.
Kyuhyun, why can’t we just-
Kyuhyun pauses his game and scowls.
What part of “don’t care” don’t you understand?!
Sungmin’s jaw drops as he stares at Kyuhyun, stunned into silence and eyes gleaming. Kyuhyun glares with a glowing intensity, resulting in Sungmin letting out a hurt squeak before getting up on his feet and rushing out of the living room.
The silence that follows is like a punch in the face. Kyuhyun sighs as soon as Sungmin is out of sight, muttering profanities as he continues the race. It feels pointless though, and as he passes the finish line, the sickness inside him returns and he has to pause his game again to leave for the bathroom.
∞
Don’t you think you’re being too harsh toward Sungmin sometimes?
Ryeowook blurts out the question one day when it’s just the two of them. They are waiting for the other members to show up for the scheduled dance practice, and sit still against the mirror, catching their breaths and drinking water. Kyuhyun and Ryeowook went to the dance studio right after breakfast, nervous about the new choreography. Ryeowook wanted to practice by himself until he got the moves right, as it was hard for him to keep up the group practices. He wanted Kyuhyun to be there with him, as he couldn’t remember all the steps by himself.
When Kyuhyun had agreed to join Ryeowook, he had thought his company would be somewhat bearable. Apparently, he can’t feel comfortable anywhere anymore. Wherever he goes, there are too many questions.
Kyuhyun shrugs to his friend, picking up his water bottle from his bag. Ryeowook is silent, nibbling his lower lip as he awaits Kyuhyun’s answer. When he doesn’t get one, he shifts his position on the floor, resting his weight on his elbow.
Sungmin is still not over you, even after all this time, he remarks, looking up at Kyuhyun with unreadable eyes. But I guess you already knew that, he adds shortly after like an afterthought.
Kyuhyun takes a moment to find his words.
Yeah.
∞
Hyukjae, Shindong and Donghae are the most eager ones during dance practice, which is no surprise. They often show up early just to go through it a couple of times before the others. However, when Sungmin tags along with them, Kyuhyun and Ryeowook both raise their eyebrows. Sungmin is a hard working person, but he never shows up early at group practice. Never.
He must have gone through the comeback makeover. His hair is newly cut and styled, ink black hair with bangs falling over his eyes. He looks fashionable and entrancing, desirable with his smouldering look. He looks perfect, almost inhuman. Sungmin keeps his eyes away from Kyuhyun, but Kyuhyun knows he wants him to watch closely. He tilts his chin higher up than usual, and his full lips are tilted into a bemused smirk. His hands are on his hips instead of fumbling with his t-shirt.
Ryeowook asks Sungmin as polite as he can why Sungmin is there, and Sungmin releases a small laugh, running his hand through his styled hair.
I really want to nail this dance routine, so I asked Hyukjae and Shindong for some extra help. They are the best and the most eager ones, so I knew they would show up early, Sungmin states simply, shrugging to feign nonchalance. No one says anything until Donghae clears his throat, and everyone turns to him. Kyuhyun keeps his eyes trained at the floor.
I think you forgot to mention me, Donghae remarks, voice harsh. Everyone except Kyuhyun turn their heads toward Sungmin and the latter laughs.
I’m just teasing you, Donghae, he explains. You too, of course. What would we do possibly do without you?
∞
Sungmin doesn’t like me.
You’re being ridiculous.
He still loves you, you know.
I- Yes, I know.
I want everyone to know you’re mine. Maybe he’ll give up.
I’m not, though.
What do you mean, “I’m not”?
You know what I mean.
Stop talking nonsense.
I’m really not, though.
You… You will be.
∞
Kyuhyun runs a hand through his newly cut hair, thinking it’s short but he likes it. Donghae likes it too, fingers trailing along Kyuhyun’s hairline tenderly. The youngest scoffs in embarrassment, watching as Donghae’s eyes glister while taking in every feature of Kyuhyun’s face. He can hear Donghae’s breathing in the stillness of the room, save for the buzz of his computer in the background.
The room has a heavy scent that lingers, a mixture of sweat, blood and warmth. It stinks of bad mistakes. Donghae’s lips part and he runs a tongue over his flushed lips, the air he exhales wheezing with want. The desire is palpable, and it’s creeping under Kyuhyun’s skin, giving him gooseflesh that prickles. When Donghae moves closer, he starts shuddering. He knows it’s time for him to leave.
He rouses up from the bed into a sitting position, grasping the edge of the bed with clammy fingers. Donghae shifts, and Kyuhyun flinches up on his feet. Before he can move any further though, Donghae has him by the wrist.
I meant it, Donghae says in a rush. He meets Kyuhyun’s eyes and follow them as Kyuhyun averts them toward the door.
I wouldn’t lie to you, he adds, voice decreasing in volume. You should know.
Kyuhyun shakes his hand out of Donghae’s grip and strides out of the room. Once he’s out, he releases a breath he wasn’t aware he had kept inside.
∞
Do you want to watch a movie with me? You know, like we used to. Before.
Sungmin stands in front of him, holding up a copy of ‘Titanic’ and a bowl of popcorn, smoke still rising from the snack. His eyes are dark and his lips are quivering, looking as if he’s about to cry. For a moment, Kyuhyun considers saying yes. The end of their relationship shouldn’t have meant the end of their friendship, but Kyuhyun worries for what Sungmin will do once the lights go out.
Kyuhyun stands still, mind racing as he stares at the man ahead of him. For each second that passes, Sungmin’s face falls, and the sickness inside Kyuhyun starts coiling ever so gently. With a sigh, he guides Sungmin into the living room, taking the DVD out of Sungmin’s hand. He puts the disk into the player, ignoring Sungmin’s happy grin.
As predicted, Sungmin’s hand is creeping closer as the movie progresses. It brushes against Kyuhyun’s finger lightly, and Kyuhyun hardens his gaze. His lips part, and he tries to concentrate on his breathing, trying to calm his tense body. Inhale… Inhale… Sungmin’s hand is only getting closer, though, and soon Sungmin has interlaced their fingers. As if struck by lightening, Kyuhyun stands up so abruptly that the bowl of popcorn tilts over and spills all over the couch.
Sungmin! Kyuhyun exclaims, voice cracking. He shifts his weight on his feet, breathing heavily as he stares at the other man with great confusion. He then turns on his heels and marches off to their shared bedroom, ignoring Sungmin’s broken calls after him.
That night Sungmin is crying again, and Kyuhyun has never lost so many matches in a row.
∞
Sungmin is still not over me. The other day he wanted us to watch a movie, and I said yes, when suddenly he took my hand and held it. I don’t know what to do when he’s being like that. I don’t know why he’s doing that.
Are you seriously going to talk about this now?
Donghae, please, can you just listen-
Are you sure you’re over him?
What the- Donghae, what’s the matter with you?
Kyuhyun, look. I love you.
You what? No... No. Don’t say that. Don’t.
But I do. I love you.
Donghae, stop it. Just stop. Please. Not now.
Does it upset you? Even after all this time?
You don’t understand.
No, I think it’s the other way around.
∞
When Kyuhyun looks at Donghae, he feels a weird sense of warmth, but also a sticking pain in his chest. It’s like a layer of his heart is being ripped off, and the wound bleeds in throbbing motions. It’s a raw feeling, and it hurts, but Kyuhyun feels drawn to it. Donghae is his flame, and he’s like a moth, fluttering into his fiery grasp.
∞
You’ve lost a lot of weight.
I know. That’s usually what happens when you dance almost everyday for hours.
Are you eating well? Your hip bones are sticking out-
I know. Can you please stop pointing it out and… Just kiss me and get it over with.
You don’t have to ask, dear. Come here.
∞
One late afternoon they have a promotional interview for their comeback, and each of the members are given separate or double dressing rooms. Kyuhyun sits rigidly in his chair, the only sound in the room his own shallow breathing. His stylists have left the room, and Kyuhyun runs a trembling hand through his hair. He’s supposed to look beautiful, but when he looks into the mirror, he doesn’t recognize the person gazing back at him.
He rises from the chair and reaches for the knob for his jacket and tie. In the instant he grabs the jacket, there is a knock on the door. It’s like a silent heartbeat, and Kyuhyun makes a sound for the person to enter. The door creaks open, and Sungmin’s petite figure slips through the crack. Kyuhyun’s eye twitches and he puts on the jacket stiffly.
Hi, Sungmin says, voice frail. Kyuhyun merely nods in reply, fiddling with his tie in an attempt to make it look decent. His fingers keep trembling, so the tie slips clumsily out of his fingers. Sungmin chuckles nervously as he watches the scene in front of him, approaching Kyuhyun with a slight shake of his head.
Here, let me do it, he insists and reaches out, taking the tie out of Kyuhyun’s hands.
Don’t, Kyuhyun objects, seconds too late. Sungmin is already frowning in concentration, lips pouting as his fingers work diligently to knot the tie. Kyuhyun gulps, letting his eyes ghost over Sungmin’s face for the first time in ages, simultaneously as he arches his head backwards.
Fragile and quite beautiful, Sungmin resembles a withered leaf. Like a withered leaf, he looks like he’s about to crumble. Eyes downcast, his small hands, pale and dry, are clinging to the dark tie like it’s a lifeline. Kyuhyun doesn’t know what to feel. Succumb into his apathy, or be susceptible for sentiment. Kyuhyun bites his lower lip and averts his gaze, dizziness flourishing every time he blinks. When Sungmin is done with the tie, he keeps his hands on Kyuhyun’s chest, the touch warm against his pounding heart. He feels as though he will faint soon.
You know, you used to love me once, Sungmin recalls sadly, looking up at Kyuhyun. The corners of his eyes are watery, and they seem darker than usual. They are faltering, and Kyuhyun needs space to breathe. Putting his hands on Sungmin’s shoulders, he pushes him backwards in such a manner that the other stumbles, barely saving himself from falling to the ground. Kyuhyun feels a sting in his chest when Sungmin casts a perplexed look up at him.
Yes, used to. Past tense. You need to get over me already, Kyuhyun remarks coldly and turns, reaching out for his silver watch on the dressing table. He coughs to hide the quaver in his voice and puts on his watch. The metal feels so cold against his skin it stings.
It’s not healthy what you’re doing, he continues, shifting on his feet. His clothes feel awkward on his body.
And don’t cry; you’re ruining your makeup. Be a man.
Sungmin is silent for a long while.
I’ve heard that you either will always love someone, or you never did, Sungmin then mumbles and puts his arms around himself. Kyuhyun halts in the process of leaving the dressing room and his eyes drops to the floor.
That’s ridiculous, he snaps, turning to look at Sungmin. Sungmin lifts his gaze to meet Kyuhyun’s, eyes dim and face frozen into a stoic expression.
I don’t think so, Sungmin argues in a mere mumble. I really… believe that.
Kyuhyun grabs the door handle and yanks the door open.
I guess I never did, then.
∞
Look at me now, Sungmin hisses through gritted teeth, demanding voice concealed behind a brilliant grin. Sungmin takes his hand, and Kyuhyun turns his head toward the other reluctantly, hearing the fans scream in delight.
I told you they’d love it, Sungmin says triumphantly and smiles sweetly at Kyuhyun, as if he just won a bet. The corners of Kyuhyun’s lips tilt upwards and he squeezes Sungmin’s hand tightly, ignoring the burn of his skin. He senses Donghae’s heated glare from the side, and his mouth twitches, feeling elated and guilty simultaneously. It burns, and Kyuhyun wants to laugh.
∞
Donghae slams Kyuhyun against the wall. The impact echoes and Kyuhyun groans, rubbing the back of his sore head.
What on earth do you think you’re doing? Donghae scolds, pressing Kyuhyun harder against the wall. He takes a step backwards, observing him with a scowl.
I don’t know what you’re talking about, Kyuhyun mutters, brushing dust off his shirt and rolling his shoulders. Donghae scoffs and rolls his eyes.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about”, Donghae jeers, approaching Kyuhyun and grabbing his neck, shoving him back against the wall. He leans forward, lips brushing at the skin of Kyuhyun’s earlobe, eliciting a choked whimper. Donghae tightens his grip on Kyuhyun’s neck, and Kyuhyun resists the urge to gag.
You’re mine, Donghae hisses into his ear. Only mine. I don’t want Sungmin to touch you. I don’t want anyone else to touch you. Do you understand? You are mine.
Kyuhyun scoffs.
No, Donghae, he says with a chuckle. You’ve got it all wrong. I’m not yours. I will never be yours. You’re being delusional. Besides, it was all just for the fans!
Donghae’s eyes widen and his grip on Kyuhyun loosens. His head then tilts downward facing his shoes, and his dark brown bangs fall over his eyes. The shadows under his eyes make him look tired and weak, and Kyuhyun frowns.
You just don’t get it, Donghae whispers in disbelief. You don’t understand anything! Do you even know what’s going on? How many who-
He releases Kyuhyun with a scoff before he turns on his heels, marching away without looking back. Kyuhyun brings his hand to his neck, touch soft at the sore skin. He thinks about it bruising and smiles to himself. Then he wonders if he’s going crazy, too.
∞
Kyuhyun drops his bag carelessly on the floor of his bedroom, unzipping his jacket and fanning his back with it. He came home to the dorms later than the other members, as he decided to walk home instead of taking the van. The entire day had been long and exhausting. Kyuhyun had needed some time alone to think. The walk was longer than he had assumed though, and far more tiring. He was straight through drained for the day.
He runs a hand through his sticky hair, wiping sweat from his forehead as he shrugs off his jacket and places it on top of his bag. With a roll of his shoulders, he proceeds to switch on the light, unknowing of what is luring in the dark. Nothing in his life could’ve prepared him for the sight that meets him.
In the middle of the room, Sungmin stands naked and exposed, eyelids heavy as he stares straight at him. His lips forms a manic grin, and he strokes himself with tender movements. The tip glistens, and Kyuhyun has trouble processing what’s going on in front of him. The room reeks of alcohol and sweat and come.
Kyuhyun reverses a step, colliding with the door. He fumbles after the door handle, but Sungmin beats him to it, striding toward him and locking the door behind him. Sungmin stands close, so close that Kyuhyun can see the gooseflesh on his skin and the sweat gracing his hairline and neck. He can smell the desperation. Eyes wide, his breath hitches in his throat.
What the-?
Shut up, Sungmin snaps, taking Kyuhyun by the collar of his shirt and hauling him over to his bed. Kyuhyun staggers in his steps, helplessly fumbling with his hands and arms in an attempt to pry off Sungmin’s grip. He tries to fight against Sungmin’s hold around him, but Sungmin has a death grip on him and Kyuhyun feels powerless. He gasps.
Sungmin, oh my god. Stop-!
Sungmin interrupts him by shoving him down onto the bed, abrupt and forcible. Kyuhyun hits the back of his head on the bedpost, and the world swirls in front of his eyes for a moment. Muffling a pained cry, Kyuhyun tries to roll to the side to escape. He inhales sharply. Ahead of him, Sungmin has him pressed down against the mattress. Pearls of sweat race down Kyuhyun’s forehead, and his heart throbs in his chest.
Why don’t you love me? Sungmin demands, voice breaking into sobs. He unbuttons and and tosses Kyuhyun’s shirt across the room. Droplets of grief rushes down his flushed cheeks, and Sungmin straddles his legs over Kyuhyun.
We could do what we did today every day, if only you'd love me back. Didn't you like it? Didn't you hear how much the fans cheered? They know we're meant for each other!
Kyuhyun grips around Sungmin’s thighs, pushing them backward with all his might. Sungmin loses his balance, and falls flat on top of Kyuhyun with a yelp. It takes a moment until Sungmin has grasped where he is. He looks down at Kyuhyun with wide eyes, before dropping his gaze further south. Something sparks within him. Taking advantage of their position, Sungmin grips the mattress, biting down on his lower lip as he rubs his naked groin against Kyuhyun’s clothed. Kyuhyun groans and throws his head back, gasping mid-sentence as he pleads Sungmin to stop.
What went wrong? What does Donghae have that I don’t? Sungmin bellows, incoherent and voice cracking. He rolls his hips, evoking a shameful mix between a moan and a sob from Kyuhyun. Sungmin creates a slight distance between them, opening the buttons and unzipping Kyuhyun’s jeans, pulling it down his knees. He places a hand on top of Kyuhyun’s underwear sloppily. Kyuhyun writhes underneath him, struggling against his hold on him.
Sungmin, please-!
Why don’t you love me anymore, Kyuhyun? What- What happened?
Kyuhyun bites his lips, anxiety and disgust forming into tears that sears on his cheeks as they fall. He lunges after Sungmin, and finally reaches his shoulders, fingernails creating angry crescent marks on Sungmin’s shuddering skin. Sungmin freezes. His hold on Kyuhyun loosens, and Kyuhyun pryes him off, panting by the effort.
Sungmin, why are you doing this? Please stop. Just stop. Don’t do this to me.
Sungmin falls silent, staring soberly ahead. It’s like words finally start to cohere. Then his shoulders start shaking, and he clings onto Kyuhyun, soaking Kyuhyun’s naked shoulders with his tears. Stunned, Kyuhyun awkwardly puts his arms around the man, pressing their chests tightly together. He then buries his face in Sungmin’s neck, and like he used to before, he whispers soothing words onto his skin.
Sungmin wails, nails digging into Kyuhyun’s back as he murmurs, I hate you. I hate you so fucking much, Kyuhyun. Nodding, Kyuhyun strokes Sungmin’s back and reaches for a blanket, cloaking Sungmin’s naked body with it. He dries Sungmin’s tears gently with his thumbs despite fresh ones unceasingly appearing.
I-I’m sorry, Sungmin stammers in between his sobs. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. That wasn’t me. That wasn’t me. I’m so - so sorry. Goddamn it, Kyuhyun, I’m… That wasn’t me.
Kyuhyun shushes him and massages Sungmin’s head, combing his fingers gently through his sweaty hair.
I know, he murmurs. I know. It’s-It’s okay. Just sleep now.
But it's not okay. Sungmin eventually closes his eyes, and whimpers until exhaustion pulls him into a dreamless sleep. As Sungmin’s breathing goes heavier and more infrequent, Kyuhyun lay down by his side, using his palms as a pillow and watches until he has assured Sungmin doesn’t wake up. Sungmin looks peaceful for once, and Kyuhyun feels a pang in his chest. He then scrambles over to the bathroom and cries violently, though silently, by the toilet until he falls asleep as well.
∞
That night Kyuhyun dreams of bottomless pits and darkness, crashing waves and deep musk. His sight is blinded by smoke and purple light, and no matter how much he tries to focus, it seems as if there is an endless blur wherever he looks.
It’s hot. Everywhere around him, it’s like the air is boiling. His skin throbs by the heat, and he runs a tongue along his lips, dry as desert sand. He closes his eyes. A gust of wind encircles him in a whirl, and it guides him away from the warmth to openness-endless white wherever his eyes wander. He is surrounded by mist, and the whiteness only grows brighter by each blink of his eye.
A golden cage is conjured from the mist, patterns of ivy crafted into the golden bars. You are mine, a husky voice whispers like a mantra. Kyuhyun looks around, tries to locate the source of the voice, but the voice is everywhere but nowhere at the same time. The voice is growing angry and spiteful.
You are mine. Youaremine. Youaremineyouaremineyouaremineyouaremineyouare-
Drops of tears land upon his head, and in the background another voice sounds in the form of a someone sobbing his name. He reaches out for the golden bars, a sense of strength rushing through him as he wants to run to whoever is crying. It’s almost like a reflex. However, as soon as his skin touches the metal, his skin peels off and he starts bleeding from the open wounds. He shrieks, putting the hands in front of his face, mortified as his hands are painted red by his blood. He looks around in his frantic state, heart racing as he tries to locate the crying voice. He kicks the bars of the cage as hard as he can, watching as his shoes start to dissipate. A rush of desperation churns through him, and he screams out, wanting to get to the crying person. He doesn’t know why it’s so important; he just knows he has to find him. Save him, because it’s all his fault.
The next moment he is in bed with Donghae, kissing his tan neck and nibbling at his collarbones. When he strokes Donghae’s skin with his fingers, he leaves scarlet stains, and he paints Donghae’s skin with his blood. He paints poems and dreams and his desires, things he wants to say but never could. Donghae’s warm hands ghost over his hips, Kyuhyun’s skin falling off wherever Donghae touches. Flakes of skin lay around them, and everything is hurting so much, yet so indescribably numb.
All of the sudden, Donghae vanishes away underneath him, dust hanging in the air like an echo. Kyuhyun grasp into the air, but Donghae is already gone and Kyuhyun falls. Falls, falls, falls down into the bottomless pit, screaming, but no sound coming out.
∞
Days pass, and Kyuhyun catches himself treating Sungmin better. He doesn’t avert his gaze every time Sungmin enters the room, and if Sungmin speaks to him, he replies, although scarcely.
He hasn’t spoken to Donghae ever since the event backstage though, and he finds himself wondering what Donghae is doing and thinking more often than not. Donghae has stopped pulling Kyuhyun into the bedroom whenever the other members are out or busy with schedules, and even though he hates to admit it, it’s driving him crazy. He can’t really explain it, but his chest feels constricted lately and he can’t breathe properly. It’s like the sickness within him has settled and convolves.
He’s in the recording studio with Jongwoon, one of the lead singers of their group. They are recording a ballad duet for their new album. Midway during their song, Kyuhyun catches himself thinking about Donghae again. When they receive a short break, drinking some tea to soothe their throats, Kyuhyun musters the courage to ask about him.
Has he spoken to you lately? he asks silently, eyes flickering from the floor to Jongwoon and back down again. Jongwoon arches an eyebrow, and Kyuhyun looks down at his lap, folding and unfolding his hands. Jongwoon leans backward in his chair and wipes his face tiredly with his hands.
Who, Sungmin?
Kyuhyun shakes his head slowly, and Jongwoon sighs.
Ah, Donghae. Well, it’s not like we talk a lot together normally. He hasn’t said anything in particular when we have been speaking though, if that’s what you want to know, Jongwoon says with a frown.
Don’t think we haven’t noticed, though. Did you have a fight? He’s been acting weird lately.
Kyuhyun shakes his head, not really sure.
Then I don’t know. How about asking Hyukjae? Being Donghae’s best friend and all. He would surely know, wouldn’t he?
∞
Kyuhyun? Oh, what's up? Hyukjae greets, turning in his bed so he lies on his side, upper body supported by his elbow. The bed is made, like it usually is, and the room is spotless and in order. Kyuhyun feels somewhat out of place.
Do you want to borrow the next volume of that manga?
Kyuhyun shakes his head and sits down on the edge of the bed, ignoring the disapproving twitch of Hyukjae’s lips.
I need to talk to you, Kyuhyun confesses, trapping his lower lip between his teeth and looking with uncertainty at the other. Hyukjae’s worry mirrors in his eyes, brows knitting into a frown. He rises into a full sitting position, drawing his knees to his chest.
Okay? What is it?
Kyuhyun inhales deeply, hiding his shaking hands underneath his thighs.
It’s about Donghae.
Donghae? …What about him?
He… I heard he’s been acting strange lately. Do you know anything about that? Kyuhyun inquires, feeling his heart thud against his chest, as though it tries to leap out through his ribs. Hyukjae looks at him silently for a long time, lips narrowing into a fine line. His posture has grown rigid, and he breaks eye contact to scowl at the mattress.
You’re worrying about Donghae? he asks in a murmur, fingers turning pale by the clench of his fist. He doesn’t say anything more. Kyuhyun sighs in his impatience, rising from the bed in a swift movement.
Never mind then, he mutters as he stands in the door. I guess they’re wrong.
∞
His hands are clammy as he clutches the toilet bowl, resting his forehead against the toilet seat. The marble feels cool against his feverish forehead, and Kyuhyun has to force himself away from the coolness in order to flush.
The stench is the worst part of it, although the bitterness in his mouth in not quite pleasant either. Kyuhyun curses. He thought it was out of his system. Yet he’s still crouching next to the toilet, another wave of sickness coursing through him. Hissing, he moves his head over the toilet seat and gags.
There is a knock on the door, and Kyuhyun spits before croaking out an answer.
What is it?
Kyuhyun, are you okay?
Sungmin’s voice is loud and obnoxious, as if he really doesn’t know the answer himself. Coughing, Kyuhyun stands up and heads for the sink, rinsing his mouth before opening the door for the other. If he notices the stench, he doesn’t remark it.
I heard weird noises… Are you feeling sick? Sungmin asks, lips narrowing in concern. Kyuhyun muses at the other, shaking his head.
Don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine.
Sungmin looks down at his feet.
Okay. If you say so.
∞
That night Donghae slips under the blanket with him. Kyuhyun had decided to sleep early, having early schedules the next day. However, as soon as he feels the warmth of Donghae’s body against his, he knows he won’t be sleeping much. It doesn’t strike Kyuhyun as strange that Donghae lay there with him. It feels natural, as if he’s returned to where he’s supposed to be. It’s like Kyuhyun can breathe again, finally feeling the heat of Donghae’s flames licking along his body.
He worries about Sungmin lying on the other side of the room, knowing Sungmin is a light sleeper. He hopes Donghae won’t do anything.
Missed me? Donghae whispers into his ear, and Kyuhyun resists the shudder as much as he can, presses against Donghae to steal off his body warmth.
No, Kyuhyun says and clutches Donghae’s hand. Donghae chuckles and puts his free arm over Kyuhyun’s waist, sniffing in his scent and nuzzling their bodies together.
Donghae, we have to be quiet. Sungmin’s sleeping, Kyuhyun warns in a hushed hiss. His words pass by ignored, and Donghae licks at the skin along the nape of his neck, pecking at the wet skin.
When did that ever stop us?
Kyuhyun’s eyes falter and he swallows a moan, squeezing Donghae’s hand as hard as he can. Donghae snickers.
Be quiet, Kyuhyun whispers. We can’t do anything now. We must be silent-
Donghae smirks into Kyuhyun’s neck, his hand sliding subtly from Kyuhyun’s waist down toward his crotch, playing with the waistband of his boxers.
You’ll have to bite down into your pillow, then, because I won’t stop, Donghae purrs. And Kyuhyun does.
kyuhae(?), broken!kyumin / r / 6600w
In which Kyuhyun broke up with Sungmin, both are having difficulty coping with it, and Donghae visits Kyuhyun at night when they think Sungmin is asleep.
notes: 2014 (major) fix of earlier version. see author's note at the end of the post here.
warnings: self-harm, non-con
foolish people 1
Sungmin’s eyes are fixed on Kyuhyun. The corners of his lips points downwards, and his fingers clutches his knees, knuckles pale by the tight grip. The rain outside patters against the pavement, and people are muttering amongst themselves like an echo in a memory. Time doesn’t stand still, but neither Sungmin or Kyuhyun moves.
Disregarding Sungmin’s presence, Kyuhyun sits impeccably still. With crooked fingers he clutches his empty cup, and he stares at the bottom as if seeking answers from the dregs. A pearl of sweat smoothes down his temple, and he swallows.
How are you feeling?
Sungmin’s voice wavers, cracking like the sound of someone stepping upon a dry leaf. Kyuhyun glances briefly in his direction, and Sungmin’s eyes flicker down to his lap. His pale, small fingers fiddles with the hem of his shirt, and Kyuhyun looks away with a start. The disheveled hair, the darkness underneath his eyes… He wishes he could take it all away, but knows very well he is not the one to do it.
His knees are shaking as he stands up, and he staggers over to the kitchen with his cup barely grasped by his fingertips. The wood creaks underneath his silent steps, and in the kitchen he refills his cup with black coffee. He wants to grimace just by the smell. Kyuhyun has never liked the bitter taste. However, even bitter coffee is better than the alternative.
Smoke emerges from his refilled cup, and the liquid wobbles as Kyuhyun steps back to the living room. His fingers burn, and drops spill at the floor. Kyuhyun steps over them, seating himself in the engulfing armchair with a groan. Sungmin’s eyes stays at him until he places the cup on the table to waste away.
How are you feeling?
Sungmin’s voice sounds strained, as if he is tired of asking, and his lips forms a thin line as if a knife carved it out from his marble face. Kyuhyun fumbles for his cup and blows on the coffee to cool it down. He takes a sip, feeling the burn sear into the flesh. He swallows, but the hollowness doesn’t subside.
∞
Baby, please.
Donghae, no. Get out of my bed.
But I need you.
But I said no. Get out.
∞
Kyuhyun has a lot of things coiling within that needs to be let out. There are things he’s done and things he hasn’t. Memories of people he wishes he could forget, but is facing everyday; subtle touches, rushed kisses, dark secrets whispered into flushed ears. It whirls inside him like a constant nausea, a flip of the stomach. He knows only broken images, and the darkness gives no shelter; he finds no relief.
He is clutching the toilet seat when someone knocks at the door. His bones feels as though they are quivering, and he stands up with a curse under his breath. Inhale. Kyuhyun’s head swirls as he opens the door, and he wipes the corners of his lips. The colors and shapes are ambient, swaying, and Kyuhyun muses his eyes as he struggles with keeping his balance. Exhale. If the person outside the door notices the stench, he doesn’t remark it.
Kyuhyun?
Hyukjae is frowning.
Are you… alright…?
His words fade as soon as they are uttered, his eyes falling upon Kyuhyun’s pale face and shuddering body.
I thought I heard some noise from within, so I just… I just wanted to check.
Kyuhyun grips the frame of the door, leans his head on top of his hand.
I’m fine, Hyukjae. Don’t worry about me, he says, and waits until Hyukjae has gone until he closes the door and puts a finger down his throat.
∞
The rain drums against the window in a constant pitter-patter. Kyuhyun is in the kitchen, spending one of his rare schedule-free days sitting by the table reading a manga he borrowed from his friend Hyukjae. It’s unusual for him to have a day off, considering that they are in the midst of preparing a comeback. Super Junior’s fourth album, Kyuhyun’s third. Each comeback brings some sort of sentimentality to him, a kind of reminder that he is progressing in life when everything else seems to stand still.
Hyukjae, who also has no schedules, rummages through the closets in the kitchen. He’s muttering under his breath as he stands on the tip of his toes, trying to reach for the cups placed on the upper shelf. For reasons Kyuhyun can’t fathom, Hyukjae had decided to make some tea for the two of them. Just to be nice.
Kyuhyun looks up from the manga and frowns. He wonders about Hyukjae. Hyukjae is always giving, expecting nothing in return. He smiles when his friends smile, and cries when they do. He’s a person of empathy and care, although his appearance on stage often shows another persona. The one of confidence and selfishness. Kyuhyun asks himself why he can’t be more like Hyukjae, gentle and caring on the inside, and confident on the outside. Confidence has become such an abstract concept, and even more so the concept of affection.
He yawns as he flips the page, not really paying attention to the drawings at all.
Do you want sugar in it? Hyukjae calls over his shoulder, finally reaching the cups after having climbed on top of the counters. Kyuhyun sends a flat stare in Hyukjae’s direction, evoking a sheepish smile from the asker.
Just kidding, Hyukjae says in a chuckle. I know how you like your tea.
Kyuhyun doesn’t remind Hyukjae that he has never really liked tea.
A couple of minutes later, Hyukjae places the cup in front of Kyuhyun, taking a seat beside him. Kyuhyun resumes his reading while he waits for the tea to cool down, noticing Hyukjae peeking over his shoulder. Some pages later, Hyukjae is shamelessly commenting on the story as Kyuhyun goes. By the time they reach the ending of the volume, half a cup is emptied and Kyuhyun has caught Hyukjae touching his shoulder comfortingly more than twice. Kyuhyun starts wondering what’s up with him today, when the door to the dorm slams open and interrupts his thoughts.
In the hallway there is a whole lot of ruckus, bag being slung at the ground, keys dropped at the floor, shoes kicked off, and jacket thrown over the couch. Then the person enters the kitchen and declares his arriving in a sing-song manner.
I’m home!
Kyuhyun, quite annoyed by the ruckus, cares not to see who entered and resumes his reading, hoping Hyukjae will follow after. However, Hyukjae disappoints and curiously peeks up, exploding into a beam.
Donghae! he exclaims happily, jumping down from his seat to greet his best friend. Kyuhyun freezes at the mention of Donghae’s name and holds his gaze at the nothingness, gripping the manga like his life depended on it. Donghae laughs behind him, blabbering some rubbish, and their excited chatter unexpectedly annoys him more than he thought it would. The next second Donghae slumps down on the chair next to Kyuhyun.
What's up, maknae?
Donghae leans his upper body over the table, maneuvering himself into such a close proximity that Kyuhyun can feel his cold breath and the smell of his cologne-deep musk.
Hmm?
Donghae watches bemusedly as Kyuhyun attempts to appear busy with reading, when in reality the words are blurred and dancing on the paper, black ink on white paper slurring into an incomprehensible mess of gray. Kyuhyun muses with his eyes. He probably makes out a word or two, but nothing makes sense anymore and it’s all Donghae’s fault. Everything is Donghae’s fault.
Kyuhyun chances on a peek at him from the corner of his eye, only to find Donghae’s eyes already drilling into him. Hyukjae’s tiny voice asks what’s going on but flies by unnoticed. The silence hangs heavily in the air, and Kyuhyun’s adam’s apple bobs. He closes the manga.
I’m sorry, but I’m busy.
His voice is thin as paper, and Kyuhyun has the decency to feel bad for lying, however only for a second. Donghae chuckles and grabs his wrist, thumb pressed firmly between his veins.
Oh, but you aren’t, he says with a lopsided grin. Come with me.
With another chuckle, Donghae pulls Kyuhyun up on his feet and drags him over to Kyuhyun and Sungmin’s shared bedroom. The entire scene earns a puzzled look from Hyukjae, who watches them uncomprehensively.
The door closes behind Kyuhyun and Donghae. Not with a bang, but silently after them, like a suffocating clunk.
∞
I said no.
And I say yes. I’m your hyung, remember?
When did being my hyung give you authority to do… this?
You know you want it just as much as I do. Feel, I’m already ready for you.
No, Donghae. I don’t. I… I really don’t. Plea-ah.
∞
Sometimes Kyuhyun wonders if breaking up with Sungmin was a mistake. Whenever Sungmin cries himself to sleep, which is quite often while whimpering his name, Kyuhyun feels a thug inside of him. He’s wretched by the thought of having caused so much pain for someone he used to comfort without question.
On nights like those, he knows Donghae won’t come. On those nights he prioritizes StarCraft over sleep, hoping the sound of robotic voices and aliens shrieking indistinctly will tune out Sungmin’s sobs.
It doesn’t.
∞
Oh, Kyuhyun! I was just looking for you, Sungmin beams excitedly, sitting down next to Kyuhyun on the floor where he is playing a video game.
You won’t believe what-
Kyuhyun cuts him off, not averting his gaze from the TV screen.
Sungmin, whatever you’re going to say, I don’t care. Go bother someone else.
Sungmin stifles, hurt flashing through him as he looks pleadingly at the other. His lower lip quivers, and he draws his knees tightly against his chest.
But Kyuhyun-
Still don’t care.
Kyuhyun, why can’t we just-
Kyuhyun pauses his game and scowls.
What part of “don’t care” don’t you understand?!
Sungmin’s jaw drops as he stares at Kyuhyun, stunned into silence and eyes gleaming. Kyuhyun glares with a glowing intensity, resulting in Sungmin letting out a hurt squeak before getting up on his feet and rushing out of the living room.
The silence that follows is like a punch in the face. Kyuhyun sighs as soon as Sungmin is out of sight, muttering profanities as he continues the race. It feels pointless though, and as he passes the finish line, the sickness inside him returns and he has to pause his game again to leave for the bathroom.
∞
Don’t you think you’re being too harsh toward Sungmin sometimes?
Ryeowook blurts out the question one day when it’s just the two of them. They are waiting for the other members to show up for the scheduled dance practice, and sit still against the mirror, catching their breaths and drinking water. Kyuhyun and Ryeowook went to the dance studio right after breakfast, nervous about the new choreography. Ryeowook wanted to practice by himself until he got the moves right, as it was hard for him to keep up the group practices. He wanted Kyuhyun to be there with him, as he couldn’t remember all the steps by himself.
When Kyuhyun had agreed to join Ryeowook, he had thought his company would be somewhat bearable. Apparently, he can’t feel comfortable anywhere anymore. Wherever he goes, there are too many questions.
Kyuhyun shrugs to his friend, picking up his water bottle from his bag. Ryeowook is silent, nibbling his lower lip as he awaits Kyuhyun’s answer. When he doesn’t get one, he shifts his position on the floor, resting his weight on his elbow.
Sungmin is still not over you, even after all this time, he remarks, looking up at Kyuhyun with unreadable eyes. But I guess you already knew that, he adds shortly after like an afterthought.
Kyuhyun takes a moment to find his words.
Yeah.
∞
Hyukjae, Shindong and Donghae are the most eager ones during dance practice, which is no surprise. They often show up early just to go through it a couple of times before the others. However, when Sungmin tags along with them, Kyuhyun and Ryeowook both raise their eyebrows. Sungmin is a hard working person, but he never shows up early at group practice. Never.
He must have gone through the comeback makeover. His hair is newly cut and styled, ink black hair with bangs falling over his eyes. He looks fashionable and entrancing, desirable with his smouldering look. He looks perfect, almost inhuman. Sungmin keeps his eyes away from Kyuhyun, but Kyuhyun knows he wants him to watch closely. He tilts his chin higher up than usual, and his full lips are tilted into a bemused smirk. His hands are on his hips instead of fumbling with his t-shirt.
Ryeowook asks Sungmin as polite as he can why Sungmin is there, and Sungmin releases a small laugh, running his hand through his styled hair.
I really want to nail this dance routine, so I asked Hyukjae and Shindong for some extra help. They are the best and the most eager ones, so I knew they would show up early, Sungmin states simply, shrugging to feign nonchalance. No one says anything until Donghae clears his throat, and everyone turns to him. Kyuhyun keeps his eyes trained at the floor.
I think you forgot to mention me, Donghae remarks, voice harsh. Everyone except Kyuhyun turn their heads toward Sungmin and the latter laughs.
I’m just teasing you, Donghae, he explains. You too, of course. What would we do possibly do without you?
∞
Sungmin doesn’t like me.
You’re being ridiculous.
He still loves you, you know.
I- Yes, I know.
I want everyone to know you’re mine. Maybe he’ll give up.
I’m not, though.
What do you mean, “I’m not”?
You know what I mean.
Stop talking nonsense.
I’m really not, though.
You… You will be.
∞
Kyuhyun runs a hand through his newly cut hair, thinking it’s short but he likes it. Donghae likes it too, fingers trailing along Kyuhyun’s hairline tenderly. The youngest scoffs in embarrassment, watching as Donghae’s eyes glister while taking in every feature of Kyuhyun’s face. He can hear Donghae’s breathing in the stillness of the room, save for the buzz of his computer in the background.
The room has a heavy scent that lingers, a mixture of sweat, blood and warmth. It stinks of bad mistakes. Donghae’s lips part and he runs a tongue over his flushed lips, the air he exhales wheezing with want. The desire is palpable, and it’s creeping under Kyuhyun’s skin, giving him gooseflesh that prickles. When Donghae moves closer, he starts shuddering. He knows it’s time for him to leave.
He rouses up from the bed into a sitting position, grasping the edge of the bed with clammy fingers. Donghae shifts, and Kyuhyun flinches up on his feet. Before he can move any further though, Donghae has him by the wrist.
I meant it, Donghae says in a rush. He meets Kyuhyun’s eyes and follow them as Kyuhyun averts them toward the door.
I wouldn’t lie to you, he adds, voice decreasing in volume. You should know.
Kyuhyun shakes his hand out of Donghae’s grip and strides out of the room. Once he’s out, he releases a breath he wasn’t aware he had kept inside.
∞
Do you want to watch a movie with me? You know, like we used to. Before.
Sungmin stands in front of him, holding up a copy of ‘Titanic’ and a bowl of popcorn, smoke still rising from the snack. His eyes are dark and his lips are quivering, looking as if he’s about to cry. For a moment, Kyuhyun considers saying yes. The end of their relationship shouldn’t have meant the end of their friendship, but Kyuhyun worries for what Sungmin will do once the lights go out.
Kyuhyun stands still, mind racing as he stares at the man ahead of him. For each second that passes, Sungmin’s face falls, and the sickness inside Kyuhyun starts coiling ever so gently. With a sigh, he guides Sungmin into the living room, taking the DVD out of Sungmin’s hand. He puts the disk into the player, ignoring Sungmin’s happy grin.
As predicted, Sungmin’s hand is creeping closer as the movie progresses. It brushes against Kyuhyun’s finger lightly, and Kyuhyun hardens his gaze. His lips part, and he tries to concentrate on his breathing, trying to calm his tense body. Inhale… Inhale… Sungmin’s hand is only getting closer, though, and soon Sungmin has interlaced their fingers. As if struck by lightening, Kyuhyun stands up so abruptly that the bowl of popcorn tilts over and spills all over the couch.
Sungmin! Kyuhyun exclaims, voice cracking. He shifts his weight on his feet, breathing heavily as he stares at the other man with great confusion. He then turns on his heels and marches off to their shared bedroom, ignoring Sungmin’s broken calls after him.
That night Sungmin is crying again, and Kyuhyun has never lost so many matches in a row.
∞
Sungmin is still not over me. The other day he wanted us to watch a movie, and I said yes, when suddenly he took my hand and held it. I don’t know what to do when he’s being like that. I don’t know why he’s doing that.
Are you seriously going to talk about this now?
Donghae, please, can you just listen-
Are you sure you’re over him?
What the- Donghae, what’s the matter with you?
Kyuhyun, look. I love you.
You what? No... No. Don’t say that. Don’t.
But I do. I love you.
Donghae, stop it. Just stop. Please. Not now.
Does it upset you? Even after all this time?
You don’t understand.
No, I think it’s the other way around.
∞
When Kyuhyun looks at Donghae, he feels a weird sense of warmth, but also a sticking pain in his chest. It’s like a layer of his heart is being ripped off, and the wound bleeds in throbbing motions. It’s a raw feeling, and it hurts, but Kyuhyun feels drawn to it. Donghae is his flame, and he’s like a moth, fluttering into his fiery grasp.
∞
You’ve lost a lot of weight.
I know. That’s usually what happens when you dance almost everyday for hours.
Are you eating well? Your hip bones are sticking out-
I know. Can you please stop pointing it out and… Just kiss me and get it over with.
You don’t have to ask, dear. Come here.
∞
One late afternoon they have a promotional interview for their comeback, and each of the members are given separate or double dressing rooms. Kyuhyun sits rigidly in his chair, the only sound in the room his own shallow breathing. His stylists have left the room, and Kyuhyun runs a trembling hand through his hair. He’s supposed to look beautiful, but when he looks into the mirror, he doesn’t recognize the person gazing back at him.
He rises from the chair and reaches for the knob for his jacket and tie. In the instant he grabs the jacket, there is a knock on the door. It’s like a silent heartbeat, and Kyuhyun makes a sound for the person to enter. The door creaks open, and Sungmin’s petite figure slips through the crack. Kyuhyun’s eye twitches and he puts on the jacket stiffly.
Hi, Sungmin says, voice frail. Kyuhyun merely nods in reply, fiddling with his tie in an attempt to make it look decent. His fingers keep trembling, so the tie slips clumsily out of his fingers. Sungmin chuckles nervously as he watches the scene in front of him, approaching Kyuhyun with a slight shake of his head.
Here, let me do it, he insists and reaches out, taking the tie out of Kyuhyun’s hands.
Don’t, Kyuhyun objects, seconds too late. Sungmin is already frowning in concentration, lips pouting as his fingers work diligently to knot the tie. Kyuhyun gulps, letting his eyes ghost over Sungmin’s face for the first time in ages, simultaneously as he arches his head backwards.
Fragile and quite beautiful, Sungmin resembles a withered leaf. Like a withered leaf, he looks like he’s about to crumble. Eyes downcast, his small hands, pale and dry, are clinging to the dark tie like it’s a lifeline. Kyuhyun doesn’t know what to feel. Succumb into his apathy, or be susceptible for sentiment. Kyuhyun bites his lower lip and averts his gaze, dizziness flourishing every time he blinks. When Sungmin is done with the tie, he keeps his hands on Kyuhyun’s chest, the touch warm against his pounding heart. He feels as though he will faint soon.
You know, you used to love me once, Sungmin recalls sadly, looking up at Kyuhyun. The corners of his eyes are watery, and they seem darker than usual. They are faltering, and Kyuhyun needs space to breathe. Putting his hands on Sungmin’s shoulders, he pushes him backwards in such a manner that the other stumbles, barely saving himself from falling to the ground. Kyuhyun feels a sting in his chest when Sungmin casts a perplexed look up at him.
Yes, used to. Past tense. You need to get over me already, Kyuhyun remarks coldly and turns, reaching out for his silver watch on the dressing table. He coughs to hide the quaver in his voice and puts on his watch. The metal feels so cold against his skin it stings.
It’s not healthy what you’re doing, he continues, shifting on his feet. His clothes feel awkward on his body.
And don’t cry; you’re ruining your makeup. Be a man.
Sungmin is silent for a long while.
I’ve heard that you either will always love someone, or you never did, Sungmin then mumbles and puts his arms around himself. Kyuhyun halts in the process of leaving the dressing room and his eyes drops to the floor.
That’s ridiculous, he snaps, turning to look at Sungmin. Sungmin lifts his gaze to meet Kyuhyun’s, eyes dim and face frozen into a stoic expression.
I don’t think so, Sungmin argues in a mere mumble. I really… believe that.
Kyuhyun grabs the door handle and yanks the door open.
I guess I never did, then.
∞
Look at me now, Sungmin hisses through gritted teeth, demanding voice concealed behind a brilliant grin. Sungmin takes his hand, and Kyuhyun turns his head toward the other reluctantly, hearing the fans scream in delight.
I told you they’d love it, Sungmin says triumphantly and smiles sweetly at Kyuhyun, as if he just won a bet. The corners of Kyuhyun’s lips tilt upwards and he squeezes Sungmin’s hand tightly, ignoring the burn of his skin. He senses Donghae’s heated glare from the side, and his mouth twitches, feeling elated and guilty simultaneously. It burns, and Kyuhyun wants to laugh.
∞
Donghae slams Kyuhyun against the wall. The impact echoes and Kyuhyun groans, rubbing the back of his sore head.
What on earth do you think you’re doing? Donghae scolds, pressing Kyuhyun harder against the wall. He takes a step backwards, observing him with a scowl.
I don’t know what you’re talking about, Kyuhyun mutters, brushing dust off his shirt and rolling his shoulders. Donghae scoffs and rolls his eyes.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about”, Donghae jeers, approaching Kyuhyun and grabbing his neck, shoving him back against the wall. He leans forward, lips brushing at the skin of Kyuhyun’s earlobe, eliciting a choked whimper. Donghae tightens his grip on Kyuhyun’s neck, and Kyuhyun resists the urge to gag.
You’re mine, Donghae hisses into his ear. Only mine. I don’t want Sungmin to touch you. I don’t want anyone else to touch you. Do you understand? You are mine.
Kyuhyun scoffs.
No, Donghae, he says with a chuckle. You’ve got it all wrong. I’m not yours. I will never be yours. You’re being delusional. Besides, it was all just for the fans!
Donghae’s eyes widen and his grip on Kyuhyun loosens. His head then tilts downward facing his shoes, and his dark brown bangs fall over his eyes. The shadows under his eyes make him look tired and weak, and Kyuhyun frowns.
You just don’t get it, Donghae whispers in disbelief. You don’t understand anything! Do you even know what’s going on? How many who-
He releases Kyuhyun with a scoff before he turns on his heels, marching away without looking back. Kyuhyun brings his hand to his neck, touch soft at the sore skin. He thinks about it bruising and smiles to himself. Then he wonders if he’s going crazy, too.
∞
Kyuhyun drops his bag carelessly on the floor of his bedroom, unzipping his jacket and fanning his back with it. He came home to the dorms later than the other members, as he decided to walk home instead of taking the van. The entire day had been long and exhausting. Kyuhyun had needed some time alone to think. The walk was longer than he had assumed though, and far more tiring. He was straight through drained for the day.
He runs a hand through his sticky hair, wiping sweat from his forehead as he shrugs off his jacket and places it on top of his bag. With a roll of his shoulders, he proceeds to switch on the light, unknowing of what is luring in the dark. Nothing in his life could’ve prepared him for the sight that meets him.
In the middle of the room, Sungmin stands naked and exposed, eyelids heavy as he stares straight at him. His lips forms a manic grin, and he strokes himself with tender movements. The tip glistens, and Kyuhyun has trouble processing what’s going on in front of him. The room reeks of alcohol and sweat and come.
Kyuhyun reverses a step, colliding with the door. He fumbles after the door handle, but Sungmin beats him to it, striding toward him and locking the door behind him. Sungmin stands close, so close that Kyuhyun can see the gooseflesh on his skin and the sweat gracing his hairline and neck. He can smell the desperation. Eyes wide, his breath hitches in his throat.
What the-?
Shut up, Sungmin snaps, taking Kyuhyun by the collar of his shirt and hauling him over to his bed. Kyuhyun staggers in his steps, helplessly fumbling with his hands and arms in an attempt to pry off Sungmin’s grip. He tries to fight against Sungmin’s hold around him, but Sungmin has a death grip on him and Kyuhyun feels powerless. He gasps.
Sungmin, oh my god. Stop-!
Sungmin interrupts him by shoving him down onto the bed, abrupt and forcible. Kyuhyun hits the back of his head on the bedpost, and the world swirls in front of his eyes for a moment. Muffling a pained cry, Kyuhyun tries to roll to the side to escape. He inhales sharply. Ahead of him, Sungmin has him pressed down against the mattress. Pearls of sweat race down Kyuhyun’s forehead, and his heart throbs in his chest.
Why don’t you love me? Sungmin demands, voice breaking into sobs. He unbuttons and and tosses Kyuhyun’s shirt across the room. Droplets of grief rushes down his flushed cheeks, and Sungmin straddles his legs over Kyuhyun.
We could do what we did today every day, if only you'd love me back. Didn't you like it? Didn't you hear how much the fans cheered? They know we're meant for each other!
Kyuhyun grips around Sungmin’s thighs, pushing them backward with all his might. Sungmin loses his balance, and falls flat on top of Kyuhyun with a yelp. It takes a moment until Sungmin has grasped where he is. He looks down at Kyuhyun with wide eyes, before dropping his gaze further south. Something sparks within him. Taking advantage of their position, Sungmin grips the mattress, biting down on his lower lip as he rubs his naked groin against Kyuhyun’s clothed. Kyuhyun groans and throws his head back, gasping mid-sentence as he pleads Sungmin to stop.
What went wrong? What does Donghae have that I don’t? Sungmin bellows, incoherent and voice cracking. He rolls his hips, evoking a shameful mix between a moan and a sob from Kyuhyun. Sungmin creates a slight distance between them, opening the buttons and unzipping Kyuhyun’s jeans, pulling it down his knees. He places a hand on top of Kyuhyun’s underwear sloppily. Kyuhyun writhes underneath him, struggling against his hold on him.
Sungmin, please-!
Why don’t you love me anymore, Kyuhyun? What- What happened?
Kyuhyun bites his lips, anxiety and disgust forming into tears that sears on his cheeks as they fall. He lunges after Sungmin, and finally reaches his shoulders, fingernails creating angry crescent marks on Sungmin’s shuddering skin. Sungmin freezes. His hold on Kyuhyun loosens, and Kyuhyun pryes him off, panting by the effort.
Sungmin, why are you doing this? Please stop. Just stop. Don’t do this to me.
Sungmin falls silent, staring soberly ahead. It’s like words finally start to cohere. Then his shoulders start shaking, and he clings onto Kyuhyun, soaking Kyuhyun’s naked shoulders with his tears. Stunned, Kyuhyun awkwardly puts his arms around the man, pressing their chests tightly together. He then buries his face in Sungmin’s neck, and like he used to before, he whispers soothing words onto his skin.
Sungmin wails, nails digging into Kyuhyun’s back as he murmurs, I hate you. I hate you so fucking much, Kyuhyun. Nodding, Kyuhyun strokes Sungmin’s back and reaches for a blanket, cloaking Sungmin’s naked body with it. He dries Sungmin’s tears gently with his thumbs despite fresh ones unceasingly appearing.
I-I’m sorry, Sungmin stammers in between his sobs. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. That wasn’t me. That wasn’t me. I’m so - so sorry. Goddamn it, Kyuhyun, I’m… That wasn’t me.
Kyuhyun shushes him and massages Sungmin’s head, combing his fingers gently through his sweaty hair.
I know, he murmurs. I know. It’s-It’s okay. Just sleep now.
But it's not okay. Sungmin eventually closes his eyes, and whimpers until exhaustion pulls him into a dreamless sleep. As Sungmin’s breathing goes heavier and more infrequent, Kyuhyun lay down by his side, using his palms as a pillow and watches until he has assured Sungmin doesn’t wake up. Sungmin looks peaceful for once, and Kyuhyun feels a pang in his chest. He then scrambles over to the bathroom and cries violently, though silently, by the toilet until he falls asleep as well.
∞
That night Kyuhyun dreams of bottomless pits and darkness, crashing waves and deep musk. His sight is blinded by smoke and purple light, and no matter how much he tries to focus, it seems as if there is an endless blur wherever he looks.
It’s hot. Everywhere around him, it’s like the air is boiling. His skin throbs by the heat, and he runs a tongue along his lips, dry as desert sand. He closes his eyes. A gust of wind encircles him in a whirl, and it guides him away from the warmth to openness-endless white wherever his eyes wander. He is surrounded by mist, and the whiteness only grows brighter by each blink of his eye.
A golden cage is conjured from the mist, patterns of ivy crafted into the golden bars. You are mine, a husky voice whispers like a mantra. Kyuhyun looks around, tries to locate the source of the voice, but the voice is everywhere but nowhere at the same time. The voice is growing angry and spiteful.
You are mine. Youaremine. Youaremineyouaremineyouaremineyouaremineyouare-
Drops of tears land upon his head, and in the background another voice sounds in the form of a someone sobbing his name. He reaches out for the golden bars, a sense of strength rushing through him as he wants to run to whoever is crying. It’s almost like a reflex. However, as soon as his skin touches the metal, his skin peels off and he starts bleeding from the open wounds. He shrieks, putting the hands in front of his face, mortified as his hands are painted red by his blood. He looks around in his frantic state, heart racing as he tries to locate the crying voice. He kicks the bars of the cage as hard as he can, watching as his shoes start to dissipate. A rush of desperation churns through him, and he screams out, wanting to get to the crying person. He doesn’t know why it’s so important; he just knows he has to find him. Save him, because it’s all his fault.
The next moment he is in bed with Donghae, kissing his tan neck and nibbling at his collarbones. When he strokes Donghae’s skin with his fingers, he leaves scarlet stains, and he paints Donghae’s skin with his blood. He paints poems and dreams and his desires, things he wants to say but never could. Donghae’s warm hands ghost over his hips, Kyuhyun’s skin falling off wherever Donghae touches. Flakes of skin lay around them, and everything is hurting so much, yet so indescribably numb.
All of the sudden, Donghae vanishes away underneath him, dust hanging in the air like an echo. Kyuhyun grasp into the air, but Donghae is already gone and Kyuhyun falls. Falls, falls, falls down into the bottomless pit, screaming, but no sound coming out.
∞
Days pass, and Kyuhyun catches himself treating Sungmin better. He doesn’t avert his gaze every time Sungmin enters the room, and if Sungmin speaks to him, he replies, although scarcely.
He hasn’t spoken to Donghae ever since the event backstage though, and he finds himself wondering what Donghae is doing and thinking more often than not. Donghae has stopped pulling Kyuhyun into the bedroom whenever the other members are out or busy with schedules, and even though he hates to admit it, it’s driving him crazy. He can’t really explain it, but his chest feels constricted lately and he can’t breathe properly. It’s like the sickness within him has settled and convolves.
He’s in the recording studio with Jongwoon, one of the lead singers of their group. They are recording a ballad duet for their new album. Midway during their song, Kyuhyun catches himself thinking about Donghae again. When they receive a short break, drinking some tea to soothe their throats, Kyuhyun musters the courage to ask about him.
Has he spoken to you lately? he asks silently, eyes flickering from the floor to Jongwoon and back down again. Jongwoon arches an eyebrow, and Kyuhyun looks down at his lap, folding and unfolding his hands. Jongwoon leans backward in his chair and wipes his face tiredly with his hands.
Who, Sungmin?
Kyuhyun shakes his head slowly, and Jongwoon sighs.
Ah, Donghae. Well, it’s not like we talk a lot together normally. He hasn’t said anything in particular when we have been speaking though, if that’s what you want to know, Jongwoon says with a frown.
Don’t think we haven’t noticed, though. Did you have a fight? He’s been acting weird lately.
Kyuhyun shakes his head, not really sure.
Then I don’t know. How about asking Hyukjae? Being Donghae’s best friend and all. He would surely know, wouldn’t he?
∞
Kyuhyun? Oh, what's up? Hyukjae greets, turning in his bed so he lies on his side, upper body supported by his elbow. The bed is made, like it usually is, and the room is spotless and in order. Kyuhyun feels somewhat out of place.
Do you want to borrow the next volume of that manga?
Kyuhyun shakes his head and sits down on the edge of the bed, ignoring the disapproving twitch of Hyukjae’s lips.
I need to talk to you, Kyuhyun confesses, trapping his lower lip between his teeth and looking with uncertainty at the other. Hyukjae’s worry mirrors in his eyes, brows knitting into a frown. He rises into a full sitting position, drawing his knees to his chest.
Okay? What is it?
Kyuhyun inhales deeply, hiding his shaking hands underneath his thighs.
It’s about Donghae.
Donghae? …What about him?
He… I heard he’s been acting strange lately. Do you know anything about that? Kyuhyun inquires, feeling his heart thud against his chest, as though it tries to leap out through his ribs. Hyukjae looks at him silently for a long time, lips narrowing into a fine line. His posture has grown rigid, and he breaks eye contact to scowl at the mattress.
You’re worrying about Donghae? he asks in a murmur, fingers turning pale by the clench of his fist. He doesn’t say anything more. Kyuhyun sighs in his impatience, rising from the bed in a swift movement.
Never mind then, he mutters as he stands in the door. I guess they’re wrong.
∞
His hands are clammy as he clutches the toilet bowl, resting his forehead against the toilet seat. The marble feels cool against his feverish forehead, and Kyuhyun has to force himself away from the coolness in order to flush.
The stench is the worst part of it, although the bitterness in his mouth in not quite pleasant either. Kyuhyun curses. He thought it was out of his system. Yet he’s still crouching next to the toilet, another wave of sickness coursing through him. Hissing, he moves his head over the toilet seat and gags.
There is a knock on the door, and Kyuhyun spits before croaking out an answer.
What is it?
Kyuhyun, are you okay?
Sungmin’s voice is loud and obnoxious, as if he really doesn’t know the answer himself. Coughing, Kyuhyun stands up and heads for the sink, rinsing his mouth before opening the door for the other. If he notices the stench, he doesn’t remark it.
I heard weird noises… Are you feeling sick? Sungmin asks, lips narrowing in concern. Kyuhyun muses at the other, shaking his head.
Don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine.
Sungmin looks down at his feet.
Okay. If you say so.
∞
That night Donghae slips under the blanket with him. Kyuhyun had decided to sleep early, having early schedules the next day. However, as soon as he feels the warmth of Donghae’s body against his, he knows he won’t be sleeping much. It doesn’t strike Kyuhyun as strange that Donghae lay there with him. It feels natural, as if he’s returned to where he’s supposed to be. It’s like Kyuhyun can breathe again, finally feeling the heat of Donghae’s flames licking along his body.
He worries about Sungmin lying on the other side of the room, knowing Sungmin is a light sleeper. He hopes Donghae won’t do anything.
Missed me? Donghae whispers into his ear, and Kyuhyun resists the shudder as much as he can, presses against Donghae to steal off his body warmth.
No, Kyuhyun says and clutches Donghae’s hand. Donghae chuckles and puts his free arm over Kyuhyun’s waist, sniffing in his scent and nuzzling their bodies together.
Donghae, we have to be quiet. Sungmin’s sleeping, Kyuhyun warns in a hushed hiss. His words pass by ignored, and Donghae licks at the skin along the nape of his neck, pecking at the wet skin.
When did that ever stop us?
Kyuhyun’s eyes falter and he swallows a moan, squeezing Donghae’s hand as hard as he can. Donghae snickers.
Be quiet, Kyuhyun whispers. We can’t do anything now. We must be silent-
Donghae smirks into Kyuhyun’s neck, his hand sliding subtly from Kyuhyun’s waist down toward his crotch, playing with the waistband of his boxers.
You’ll have to bite down into your pillow, then, because I won’t stop, Donghae purrs. And Kyuhyun does.