Yesterday I smoked a cigarette. Haven't done that in 4 years. I have no reasonable explanation to this kind of behaviour. I haven't told anything to my boyfriend, 'cause I know he'd hate me for that. I'm such a sucky girlfriend. Though I'm trying to make it up by baking a chocolate cake. I know I'll be eating that as well and perhaps it's some kind ( Read more... )

There's something wrong with my heart. It's beating like never before. I can feel it everywhere, in my throat, in my stomach, even in my limbs. It came suddenly, totally unexpected. Perhaps my body cannot intake that much food I just ate.

This is one of the worst days ever. I've been on the verge of crying all day long. Not to mention I've been a ( Read more... )

I've been sick for the last 5 days and I just get heavier and heavier by each day. I've tried to keep everything as usual (eatingwise at least) but it's been so hard 'cause I know that if I don't eat, I won't get well. So I have been eating. A lot. Too much. Oh my god, Friday was the worst of the worst. I decided to let myself eat as much as I ( Read more... )

Evenings are the worst time for me. At daytime I get on fine with my eatings and cope with the hunger, but when the evening comes I get all reckless. It seems like I have no control over myself. The worst part of this is, that some part of me knows that I really haven't eaten that much but the other half sees it differently. It's even harder now ' ( Read more... )

I hate school. I really do. It just screwes up my eating rythm alltogether. I don't usually eat at mornings, but now it seems that I have to if I want to survive to school without fainting. So, ok, I have a banana or other fruit at 8am, then it's lunch at 12pm which I cannot skip without raising suspisions about me being eating disordered. It's ( Read more... )

Today will be a shitty day. I can feel it in my bones. Seriously.

I woke up at 8am BUT I didn't get out of bed, 'cause it was "too early" to wake up..especially on holiday. Well, of course I fell asleep again and woke up after 10. I was soooo tired and nauseous and regretted not getting up at 8. Stupid me.

I've had a glass of orange juice and that's ( Read more... )

Somehow I seem to think that now that I have a scale my weight will drop like never before. I weigh myself at least five times a day though I know that my weight isn't going anywhere. I mean that I won't get any fatter or thinner within just a one day. I know it but somehow I seem not to understand it. And it doesn't help that the scale is placed ( Read more... )

I have a really sick and twisted view about beauty. Beautiful girls/women to be accurate. I'm judgemental  to myself as well as others. Although I don't say it out loud. I know that my eyes see the world differently than everyone else. I know that this is all in my head, and I'm the one who can and should change it. But I won't. I don't want to. ( Read more... )

Let's start with the good news. I passed my exam and got a pretty good grade.

I ate yoghurt at the morning. It was way too much because I've used to eat only..a glass of orange juice. Or an apple MAX! Of course I had to ruin my day by going to McDonald's. I pondered between a salad and a happy meal, and of course I took the happy meal, 'cause it's ( Read more... )

I've come to realize how my days just are a repetition after another. Maybe it has to do something with my "holiday" (couple of days off school), dunno. I wake up, drink a glass of pineapple/orange juice, go to computer, do some school work/read for exams, watch tv in the evening and go to bed way too late, about 1am. And it all culminates to ( Read more... )