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I guess this journal has been dying a while now..and now it has reached the point where there's no reason to go on.

And me? Yes, I'm still here, lurking around under another alias, writing my mother tongue, finnish. I've been up and down and there's no point in discussing details - let's just say that I'm still working on my body and mind. Maybe ( Read more... )

A long while. I've been up and I've been down. Mostly down, but not with my weight. I've gained several kilos from the last time I posted here and it feels as well as shows. I'm desperately trying to shread them but with no luck. I was supposed to be in my goal weight by the summer (in which we live atm) but it turned out that I'm at my highest ( Read more... )

I've been avoiding writing here since I have nothing new to tell you. My weight isn't the same, the numbers have only gone up. Which makes me hate myself. I'm unable to control myself when it comes  to eating. In the back of my mind I'm sreaming to myself not to eat but somehow it all gets lost when I start to eat. To tell you the truth, I've ( Read more... )

Now I'm on my sick leave. Everyone else starts their interships tomorrow and I'm at home doing nothing. I feel guilty, but still don't. I'm desperately trying to find a job though I'm not sure if I'm able to remain sane there either. I don't know what I should do, 'cause now I'm thinking about applying for sickness benefit! Although I'm not sure if ( Read more... )

Yesterday I contacted my doctor about my sick leave. Well, she said that she would prescribe it but only for a week (next week we have scheduled appointment and MAYBE she'd prescribe more..or not?). She asked what I'd do on my sick leave: was I just going to stay at home doing nothing? I thought you didn't have to do anything on your sick leave, ( Read more... )

I feel like death is near. Emotionally at least.

I had the worst anxiety attack in ages. I just binged and binged and almost ended up with my head in a toilet. I tried to purge but luckily stopped myself in time.

I couldn't believe that going to school would be that bad. I have so many things undone and I'm going crazy. I want to keep things ( Read more... )

I've been dwelling in sadness and misery for the whole weekend. For the past week, come to think of it. School seems unnecessary and the people there (the teachers at least) are ignorant and brainless although highly educated (yeah right). I don't respect them and I cannot believe that they are being serious @ being teachers.

I'm really thinking ( Read more... )

This weekend sucked. Why do I always eat like a pig when I visit home? I ate all the time and way too much and I didn't even TRY to stop myself. I feel like a moron. Which I am ( Read more... )

FUCK FUCK F-U-C-K!

I really tried not-to-eat-that-much today but, you guessed it, my cravings upset my  applecart! As soon as I came home I started eating sweets and chocolate. Just now I ate some toast and I cannot stop myself! All I want is more more more food to stuff in me and I'm starting to feel sick. Yesterday was such a lousy day already ( Read more... )