Simon, and the apology

[untrique]

This morning, still more than half asleep, I felt something nudging my head on the pillow. Like a cat nose, I thought: Simon. It was a physical memory, one of those things you could never think of or consciously remember, but there forever beneath the surface

Comments

[justin42]

This is wonderful. The dream of Simon was very sweet.. bittersweet but... really such a tender moment. The thing with the friend of your ex... wonderful that your brain is resourceful enough to do some deep healing and offer up some insights while you sleep. Gotta love that. Regarding apologies... I sometimes get stuck and find myself unable to put a thing to rest. Then I may feel petty for wanting an apology, or knowing that what would make everything better would be if someone would just acknowledge the situation. But you've hit the nail on the head: "the healing power of an apology is in being seen and understood." Amen. And I am starting to learn how, when someone seems upset and they cannot seem to be consoled by anything I am saying to them, then it may be that what I'm saying or doing isn't giving them that essential feeling of being heard and seen and understood. When I notice, I switch tactics, try to ask the person to say what they want from me or what they want me to hear or clarify how they're feeling, I try to paraphrase

[untrique]

(I tried to respond yesterday but LJ kicked me out!)

It's hard to put some things to rest without a little help. And, yes, I am always grateful for the knowledge and experiences (and perhaps visitations) that come in dreams.

That ability to "switch tactics" mid conversation is priceless. So much of what we're taught in conversation is input, and all the ways to make an impact with words. It's been amazing to discover that listening, questioning, and reflection are just as powerful; often more so.

Thanks for reading and commenting, Justin. I always appreciate your perspective.

[untrique]

My stand on forced apologies? I think there's a difference between asking and forcing. Asking for an apology is still a vulnerable thing, which basically acknowledges value in the connection with the other person. Forced apologies tend to destroy connection, in my experience.

I was just thinking about the healing power of the apology, and also how it can be subverted. Your "I'm sorry you were hurt by that" is another example of an apology leeched of healing power.

I guess I think apologies can only be genuine. It's sad that we accept so many proxies -- forced and false ones -- in the attempt to get what we need.

Most mediation cases come down to an apology, by the way. Sometimes the key is to guide the parties toward it; sometimes, it's to help them discover that the apology is a stand-in for something better.

[untrique]

Good point.

[cornbreadboi]

simon. o.

acknowledgement and seeing are so important, i hear that friend. amends are incredibly powerful. humbling.

when isaac visits in my dreams it's bittersweet but I'm always so happy.
thank you letting me back under the covers again.

[untrique]

simon. o.

You are welcome, papa.

(***You are in France, Papa!***)

[seyewailo]

I have a number of friends who are close to me because I apologized to them. There is something beautiful about that, that I have such a reward for owning my crap.

Your post has made me stop and consider some things. I've always thought there were somethings you could not apologize for. And now, I'm starting to feel like I might be ready to hear those apologies after all.

And I love that Simon came to visit you.

[untrique]

I've never understood why apologizing is so hard; you fuck up, you apologize. It's a first step, at least, and only makes things better. But some people would rather keel over than do it! (And then there is the flip-side: apologies refused.)

I guess that it comes down to the ways we subvert the meaning and power of apology. Apologizing isn't, and can't be, a betrayal of oneself. It's an acknowledgment of the other. And maybe of the self in other...

[nicejewishbutch]

Ah, I was just thinking of you, wondering how you are. I suppose we haven't yet had cause to speak of dreams, but I've had several ones that have left me reeling, in this very vein that you describe: not exclusively apology-focused, per say, but dreams of seeing, or being seen, compassion that rises up and stays in the psyche long after the dream has ended.

In July, when I'm next in PDX, we should bike ride and picnic at the slough and talk about these things, and all the rest. Thanks for sharing here.

[untrique]

Yes, bike ride: slough : talk about these things.
I plan to have a new bike by then :-)

Thanks for reading here.

[nicejewishbutch]

New bike? I had heard that The Tank might be retiring...looking forward to hearing more!