(Untitled)

[uptosummat]

Title:what she needs
Word Count: 149

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girl severely beaten and raped; attacker evades police

that was the newSpaper headline the morning after the police found racHel floating in the river. alivEshe was walking home from school when he took her. pulled her into a va

Comments

[dove_cry]

i see you've written more drabble. I like what you've done with the scattered letters of course

[uptosummat]

wow i just briefly glanced at your story and that's so weird! i wrote this in class today because it's completely boring. anyway...

i really don't know why i chose the name rachel...it's just a name that came into mind.

for the silent rooms part, i meant that the room is silent until she starts screaming.

hmm well the thing about the teenager/little girl is supposed to be like, after she went through all of that, she seemed helpless and small; smaller than she used to be. like, she's turned into a child because she's always afraid now. i don't know if that makes sense or not.

glad you liked the letters...i was afraid no one would try to read them and just think it was random.

[uptosummat]

i found a compromise to the headline...i changed "teen" to "girl"

does that work better?

[dove_cry]

sounds good to me

[anonymous]

I saw your name in one of my communities so I thought Id take a look. I like how you wrote it short and to the point because its simply stated and clear. The only problem with that is it doesnt have much emotion in it. There are some deeper lines in it, but I think that if my sister was raped and beaten, I'd be a little more angry than just saying she didnt deserve it.
I liked how you explained it so the reader thinks she was being ignored and it happened because no one was paying attention to her. I think it shocks the reader enough and holds interest. I noticed you have a word count in here so I can't really say that it feels unfinished based on its length. But overall I think it was a great idea and nicely written based on your limit. Was this for a competition? I don't know what the competition was for but I think you'll do well with whatever it is.

[uptosummat]

yes, it is for a competition. the word limit was 150 words.

anyway, the lack of emotion was purposeful, like the sister is in shock. i'd definitely be more angry than that too.

thank you for your comment.

[uptosummat]

yeah, the person above you said the same thing. like i replied there, the sister was supposed to be in shock/lost emotion/depressed about her sister not being the same. i dunno, i can't really explain it that well. also, people deal with things differently. and the fics are supposed to be rated PG13 and under so a bunch of swearing wouldn't have worked lol...i also think it would have just taken away from the overall quietness i wanted the story to have.

w/ the letters thing, i purposely gave this link so it would go to this page when people read it lol. did u read the letters and see what they said?

can't people be limp when they're unconscious? that's what i was thinking when i wrote that. people can also stop breathing and start again on their own and that was originally going to happen; the guy was going to think she was dead which is why he was gonna dump her. anyway, i'm going to stop rambling.

[uptosummat]

you should write something! submit the story you were writing in class

[uptosummat]

that really blows

[uptosummat]

lol i don't really mind at all.