sorry, friends, i know my journal has been, and will continue to be, a big downer... for a while anyway ( Read more... )

just did laundry, finally, for the first time since nov 17th (before leaving for new orleans for the funeral). amazed i made it that long ( Read more... )

when i was speaking to my grandmother about james, and what his father had said about allegations that james was bipolar in 2nd grade, my grandmother says... "well, i'm bipolar. i've been taking depakote for years." i never knew. she also told me that of her 4 sisters, at least two others are on medications for bipolar. i asked her which of her ( Read more... )

I've been a long-time fan of Real Synthetic Audio, and it's a weekly pleasure that exposes me to new synthetic/industrial (etc) music since I never go out to clubs anymore. This week's show is triple the length of Todd's usual playlists bc Chris filled in and seems to have gotten pretty excited about it. :P Chris' music selections always reminds ( Read more... )

“One could say that man is alive so long as he waits; so long as hope is alive in his heart. And from his expectations man recognizes himself: our moral and spiritual ‘stature’ can be measured by what we wait for, by what we hope for.”
~Pope Benedict

What are you waiting for this season?

my great-grandfather passed away last night. this, at least, feels ok to me. rather, it feels like something to be grateful for, something to appreciate. he has not been "living," but rather "in the process of dying" since my great-grandmother passed away in march of last year at the age of 92, and their daughters (my grandmother and her 4 ( Read more... )

Now! they are ripe, these fruits of a jealous fate. From our dream grown, on our blood fed, and haunting the purple of our nights, they are the fruits of long concern, they are the fruits of long desire, they were our most secret accomplices and, often verging upon avowal, drew us to their ends out of the abyss of our nights... Praise to the ( Read more... )

_____ ( Read more... )

still partly numb in thoughts and feelings. my body makes up for it by aching, every muscle feels like i've been hit by a train. my flesh is cold. my heart feels heavy in my chest. sobs catch in my throat every now and then, my face crumples and i fight to hold it back ( Read more... )

we, each of us, have our cross(es) to bear, but to live in a state of permanent self-debasement and crippling guilt is not, i don't think, what He intends for us. He has always already forgiven us for our sins--we have only to ask. we are God's children. we must learn to love each other and ourselves better, and learning to *totally* forgive ( Read more... )