New York State of Mind
What does it mean when I put Billy Joel songs in my subject heading? That's right, kids, i'm back on long island.
I'm desperately trying to feel at home in this place again; 8 months is a long time to feel like a guest in someone else's house. I started unpacking yesterday, cleaned out my dresser of clothing I haven't worn in 3 years, and started moving back into my parents house.
I haven't attacked my bedroom walls yet. Those are a work of high school art, a 3-D, 4-wall collage of memorabilia from various HS adventures, tokens of HS friendships that i don't want to believe i've outgrown. -- Besides, I don't want to have to spend hours staring at my pride flag and trying to decide.
In previous visits back home i've really liked dipping back into that old me. I took more risks then, acted more sponotaneously, laughed more heartily and more often. We found things to entertain ourselves when we were too young to drink and too chicken to lie about our ages. We broke rules that didn't matter and felt brave and strong and independent when we darted off our high school grounds and into our friends yard to dance and read poetry. I miss that about me.
Its harder to break out when their's so little constraining you. Either that or i've lost that creative energy.
I have this feeling of dread that i've been unable to swallow down and digest. I start work on monday though, as is too often the case in campaigns, things are still in flux; I'm not even sure where i'm supposed to show up. I still have my incomplete to finish (i hate not having deadlines), and a bunch of little things i need to set in order before i'm ready to start this interlude in my life. Its not excitement but its ugly twin. I feel her in my chest.
Maybe i'm just nervous for diverging from the preset chronologyof my youth. I might be a slob, but i'm a stickler for mental order; I sweep out my synapses daily. Clutter is fine, just ordered clutter--neat little piles stacked waste high and labeled with post-its in my brain. This is anarchy, this semester off, and with an incomplete to boot!
What can I lean on if not the neatly printed numbers on the calender?
On the plus side my friends are around for the summer for the most part. bloodorange and her jakemainstreet are just a short train ride away. I got to see bettedavis_eyes and Liz last night, for the first time in a while and it was great. we stayed up till 3 watching movies and scaring each other and making gluten free cookies with soy milk and evaporated cane juice. I ran into roger in the walbaums/blockbuster parking lot (he was buying lube. yay lube!) and mark's promised me a date. So has andrew. even beeloo will leave her beloved fredricksburg to be here for a few weeks. and there are others I still don't know about. There will be folk festivals and canoing adventures and maybe trips up to maine.
The fall will be harder. Everyone else goes back to school. I throw away my mental calender, take points off for tardiness.
And then get a kick out eating 4 day old, cold pizza out of the carton when I wake up in the office from my 2am nap. I just need to swallow this first.