I had a nice birthday yesterday. I wanted to write in my journal before bed but I was so engrossed with my current book im reading that once I pulled myself away from it I was needing sleep bad ( Read more... )

I hadn't even realized id been writing in here. still, it was in 2011 which is now 3 years past. but still. farily recent. all of a time when my heart was heavy. those were bad times and a rough year. I can read them now because I am happier. nothing has changed but I am happier ( Read more... )

i all of a sudden feel empty inside. void. saddened. blank. yes thats the best work i think. blank. maybe i can just be blank for this moment. just today. it doesnt have to last but it has to last today. empty. depressed isnt the right word but its the first one that comes to mind ( Read more... )

i feel alone. i keep wanting to post to fb something like "i need a best friend" or " i feel lonely where did all my friends go?" but i know i cant because as soon as i do ill get msg's from ppl saying there my friend and what the hell. but all my friends seem to have other friends there closer to. im no ones BEST friend. i dont see any one person ( Read more... )

this game is gonna kill me today. i can look forward to screw ups, things going wrong and if no profit made, a complete fail. sigh. im sure in my mind it will go worse than it actually will. But with my name on it at "president" i feel responsable. and maybe because of the fact that ive already decided to step down once this event is over, i just ( Read more... )

sometimes i feel like my hearts gonna explode. and i dont mean from heart ache or anything so dramatic like that. im fustrated and stressed and i want out. yeah, derby stuff. its all i ever worry about now a days. sigh. a part of me thinks just get out and say i tried. laura was smart to get out when she did. id probably be happier if i had. but ( Read more... )

with all the stress lately i wonder if im taking on too much. just creates more stress. i need more sleep. decided that i need to keep xander on a rough daily scheduel. i started yesterday and hope to keep it up today and from now on. i hope that helps him sleep. lastnight i was able to sleep 6 1/2 hrs. sleeping 3 hours at a time waking up to feed ( Read more... )

i can feel it coming in the air tonight, ive been waiting for this moment all my life...

i guess its one of those days. i cant snap out of it. i wish i could. i want to walk out the door and just keep walking.

im holding my babe in my arms while i type about him. ive learned to do many things with one hand. he sleeps a lot, tho lastnight it took awhile to get him to sleep. i was already in bed, and he either needed to be changed or was fussy so john took him so i didnt have to get up. but an hr later or so i woke up to hear xander crying. i got up and ( Read more... )

its weeks away. soon ill me a mommy. and i guess everything i ever wanted will be complete. well, everything i can comtrol of my own life. i look forward for this, but i honestly dont see my whole life changing like EVERYONE says it will. perhaps they just make a big deal of the fact they have to accomadate their little one. people dont think of ( Read more... )