UN-CUT DH SPOILERS. [You seriously haven't finished yet?]
I'm sure you'll all be happy to know that I expounded on this post from last night, and posted it at dh_epic_fail [which you should ALL JOIN if you haven't already. And I know for a FACT that you haven't already, because there are no special bolded names when I look at the User Info. SO GO].
And prepare to be amazed... :D
*
So, I'll be honest. Reading DH only reinforced my belief that Harry Potter definitely shouldn't have been the main character in this series. I'm thinking more along the lines of Ron Weasley and the... Or possibly Everyone, Their Mother, and the....
Because, really. Let's look at the facts...
There are seven horcruxes.
- Tom Riddle's Diary
- Slytherin's ring
- The locket
- Hufflepuff's cup
- Ravenclaw's diadem
- Nagini
- Harry
Dumbledore [Books 1-6]: "It's all you, Harry. It HAS to be you. You're the only one who can do this shit, so keep it on the DL."
Harry: "Kay. :D"
And then we come down to Book 7: THE HORCRUX HUNT.
Pages 1-400 are spent wandering around woods and things, sharing a necklace, eating dirt, and being generally emo ["The sun was coming up: The pure, colorless vastness of the sky stretched over him, indifferent to him and his suffering," &c.].
Then, somewhere between pages 400 and 759, INTERESTING THINGS ACTUALLY START HAPPENING. Like. Harry breaks into Voldemort's mind while Voldemort's going over his mental list of horcrux locations. And stuff.
And when the dust settles, and Voldemort is finally dead, and Draco and his receding hairline have dropped little Scorpius off at the train station and gone home, the count is as follows:
Slytherin's Ring: DESTROYED by Dumbledore's blackened hand sometime before HBP.
Slytherin's locket: DESTROYED by Ron, because Harry 'thought that would be best.' [Read: thought maybe it'd be a better idea to blow Ron up first. Y'know. Just in case.]
Ron: And so I opened up my magic lighter, and this blue light came out and like, went inside me. And ALL OF A SUDDEN I KNEW WHERE TO GO! But then it went out. BUT THEN IT CAME BACK! And now I'm here to save you and destroy this horcrux!
Harry: Wow. Convenient.
Ravenclaw's lost diadem: DESTROYED by Crabbe, who, though a doofus, is admittedly a doofus in all the right ways.
Harry: *saves diadem from The Secret Room of Hidden Things*
Diadem: *oozes sludge*
Harry: Wha-?
Diadem: *screams and crumbles*
Hermione: It must've been Fiendfyre!
Harry: Who?
Hermione: It's fire that kills horcruxes, Harry! Did I forget to tell you?
Harry: Uh.
Hufflepuff's cup: DESTROYED by Ron and Hermione [off-page].
Hermione: Hey, Harry! Where've you been?
Harry: Just chillin' in the Great Hall.
Ron: That's cool. We were in the Chamber of Secrets.
Harry: The Chamber of Secrets?
Hermione: YEAH. IT WAS ALL RON'S IDEA. OMG, HE'S SUCH A GENIUS!
Harry: But I thought that caved in second year. And. Don't you have to speak Parseltongue to get inside?
Hermione: HE DID!
Harry: ...
Ron: I spoke Parseltongue.
Harry: But. I.
Ron: I don't know why it took you so long to figure it out, man. All I did was go, 'SSSSSSSSssssss' a little bit and it was like, 'WELCOME TO THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS, MAY I TAKE YOUR COAT?'
Hermione: HE WAS AMAAAAAAAAZING!!!!!!111111111111
Harry: So...?
Ron: So the cup's toast. Hermione stabbed it with a basilisk fang.
Harry: Sick. Let's go get something to eat.
Nagini: DESTROYED in a fit of hardcore rage by Neville.
Neville: I WILL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Voldemort: Fine. Put on the Sorting Hat.
Neville: Wha-?
Sorting Hat: *bursts into flames*
Neville: AAAAUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH$&#@*$!*$!
Voldemort: I KEEP TELLIN' Y'ALL. DON'T MESS WITH THE DLV.
Sorting Hat: *produces the Sword of Gryffindor!*
Neville: *slices Nagini in two*
Harry: Haha, did it drop on your head, too? I got such a headache second year when -
Voldemort: I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD.
Harry: I mean. x_x
Voldemort: Kgood.
Harry: DESTROYED by Voldemort.
Harry: You paged me?
Voldemort: Oh, right. PREPARE TO MEET YOUR DOOM, HARRY POTTER.
Harry: ...
Voldemort: AVADA KEDAVRA!
Harry: *dies*
Everyone: *cheers*
Voldemort: ...Y'know. I always thought he was a bit of a pansy, but that was surprisingly easy.
Seven horcruxes, five and a half of which were offed by other characters. [I give Harry credit for half of his own death. Just because it was kinda noble or something.]
One full point goes to Harry, however, for his brave defeat of Tom Riddle's diary second year. Even if it was sort of an accident - even if he wouldn't know what the hell it really was for another four years - it looked pretty damn evil at the time, and he stabbed it good and dead.
You go, Harry. You go.
[Also, out of curiosity: What exactly was so special about being the Master of Death? Because. Technically Harry was for about two seconds - he had the invisibility cloak, the stone, and the legal copyrights to the Elder Wand.
Did it help him defeat Voldemort?
Not so much.
I'm glad that thirty pages of explanation was put to good use.]