Starvation

[vanishingemily]

I've decided officially what I want out of life.

I want to starve myself to death.

Hopefully by the end of November, I'll be dead.

I'll keep you posted.

x-posted to 0_ednos_only_0

Comments

[cached41]

Why the sudden change of direction?

Not wishing you any success with this goal AT ALL.

How are you supposed to complete your research when you're dead?

[vanishingemily]

Oh. Sorry. I totally remembered having put the reason on there, but I guess I only did that on Facebook.

My mentor of 2 years doesn't want to have anything to do w. me anymore. We've been having a falling-out over the last few months, and now it's finally official that we aren't in each others lives anymore. Yes, I'm talking about Dr. Hall.

Friday, all I wanted was to starve myself to death. Then at Kol Nidre services Friday evening, the rabbi's sermon was about "Gam zeh ya'avor; This, too, shall pass." And that COMPLETELY changed my outlook on the situation. I remembered how I believe, fundamentally so, that "Everything happens for a reason" and that "When one door closes, another one opens", and the lesson "Gam zeh ya'avor; This, too, shall pass" just changed my outlook on life completely.

And then at Yom Kippur services yesterday, I actually listened and paid attention to the words which I was reading and speaking, and to the prayers I was reciting. It was the Day of Atonement, the Holiest Day of the entire year. I feel an

[mandyxlou]

this is awfully weird.. did we used to be friends? Bc we have way too much in common.
I saw on ur page your a psych AND math major??? Uhm i've never met anyone else.. ok well here's a quote from "wasted"

"When you realize you hate yourself so much, when you realize that you cannot stand who you are, and this deep spite has been the motivation behind your behavior for many years, your brain cant quite deal with it. It will try very hard to avoid that realization; it will try, in a last-ditch effort to keep your remaining parts alive, to remake the rest of you. This is, I believe, different from the suicidal wish of those who are in so much pain that death feels like relief. This is a wish to murder yourself. This is a belief that you deserve slow torture, violent death. Without being entirely aware of it, i had settled on starvation as my torture of choice."

[vanishingemily]

I think maybe we did used to be friends, bc. you're handle looks incredibly familiar. Yes, I'm psych and math.

As to the quote, you named what I'm going through. I've read Wasted twice, and that quote has always stuck out to me, but you saying it again here just made me feel incredible solidarity w. Marya Hornbacher and all of us who are experiencing that. Thank you.

[mandyxlou]

There are so many things she says in that book that apply to my life. I've underlined so much of it. I always have a quote for everything now.
Well i am glad you are feeling better. We all have those days. I've felt it for the past 2 weeks nonstop.
But jw.. what are your career plans? I'm at loss for what job i will get and what grad school program to apply to.

[vanishingemily]

I'm planning on going into grad school for Quantitative Psychology, w. special emphases on Social Psych, Eating Disorders and Self-Injury, and Quantitative Linguistics.

Are you also a psych major?