I wish so many things...and yet I know it's futile to wish.  Im so lonely, yet I am constantly around people.  I crave love, yet I am loved.  I crave material things yet I dont suffer from a lack of things.  Why can't I be happy? Why do I feel so trapped?Is this after baby depression? 

 I am nine days away from giving birth.  It sounds wierd.  It came faster than I thought and yet the whole time it took getting to this point took forever. I am typing this on my first laptop.  A risky buy considering I have no more income coming in untill taxes come back.  I weighed out the pros and cons and it made a lot of sense to buy, ( Read more... )

Yesterday I received that beautiful $1, 197 check in the mail.  God it's so hard not to cash it and claim ignorance.  I mean no one actually told me what the SMART grant is, I researched it and found out on my own.  But no matter how much I try to rationalize it my moral compass is telling me to spend it would be wrong.  Ahh, greed is already ( Read more... )

Today I had  the joyful surprise to find out my UTSA debt was cleared and I wouldnt have to owe on any loans.  At first, I was startled and then I wanted to cry.  It seemed too good to be true, I had recieved another grant and would be given 1,197 even after deducting my tuition.  A blessing!  Too good to be true was correct.  The extra grant is a ( Read more... )

I had the most incredible dream a couple of weeks ago and have this urge to write it down before it is lost to my fading memory ( Read more... )

It's already a new year and I wasnt even ready for the last one.  I have never made resolutions, thinking they were pointless but I am a different person now and this year is the begining of a new tradition.  This New Years eve was the first New Years eve that I didnt get wasted or stoned...since I was 12.  Im so incredibly proud of my self but I ( Read more... )

OK Billy when are we gonna get to see the pictures from the get together? eh?  Damn you Billy and your slow computer!!!

Lately, a bunch of good things have been happening to me.  It doesnt feel right, and now, I think I know why.  I ve been going around telling everyone about my "lucky streak"  when in actuality I think its God reaching out to me.  I think I feel guilty for attributing all the good to just luck.  I should have been telling everyone that it was God's ( Read more... )

Why do I  feel so out of place right now?   Its friday night and Im sitting in front of this damn computer wishing someone would call and or message me back so that I could go out.  Then again I cant go any where anyways cuz the babys home with me.  Damn its been three weeks that I have been cramped at home trying to be optimistic yet it fades when ( Read more... )

Before bed I read the newspaper. Bad idea. Murders, kidnapping, and turmoil created a trapped feeling inside me of anxiety for whats to come. "What is it that you want me to accomplish in this lifetime" I plead to God for answers. I later forgot about it while I chatted on myspace, but the question seemed to surface again while I slept.

The feel of ( Read more... )