i wish myself beautiful, yet i know when my eyes stretch open each morning...i am making the same mistakes. sometimes, sometimes its a comforting familiar pain. other times, i'd rather sleep the day away. i feel disconnected from myself. and even knowing this makes it harder, some how. alone in such a big house for so many hours...no wonder ( Read more... )

the drive was wonderful...jacob and i all alone, with ancient mix cds to accompany. the destination, skateboard shoe expo. watching jacob fondle every shoe was like myself in the middle of H&M clearance...hysterical. the ride home was...very needed.

last night, he changed the course of my existence.

...i thought for sure, the house would be in shambles and all these people would be waltzing in on some huge fucking mess. yet, some how...it happened. paul showed up early to help finish some final touch painting (i also asked him to help with the dishes) my wonderful husband somehow managed to get everything put up and away...while also painting ( Read more... )

$1.99 trash mags, shotgun in the bedroom corner, walking out on my job, glistening sun in the low twenties, life as a married lady...home owner, not to be confused with home-maker. wishing everyone could understand...accepting that few can. moving on, loving life...feeling free.

slowly. surely. i find myself, alone. i enjoy the time to think. solitude.

no more tearing it all down to rebuild. i've made this life, now i sift.

sift through the visions of myself, knowing how i see me...is ultimately how the world views me.

this terrifies. excites. humiliates.

i'm learning

after this lesson:

i promise to reconnect.

"we are like lemonade with too much water and too few lemons. we dilute our 'flavor' so we won't offend anyone. and, in the process, we give away our power, our essence of who we are that makes us unique and unforgettable." -gail blanke

i brought in the new year on the couch with my husband, sharing a bowl of peaches. it was perfect.

this year, wrapping christmas presents was a harder task than i'd imagined...


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the house jacob and i became infatuated with immediately, sold yesterday AND our lovely broker...he had no idea. still i will not fret...we found four more on 52nd street, of which we will view tomorrow.

here's to fifty year old men who don't take you seriously, and living with the in-laws...at least it's rent free ♥ ♥ ♥