Barnaby

[violaconspiracy]

Rebecca had already started lighting the candles for the evening when her youngest, Josiah, arrived home. As he rushed into the house, he brought a gust of wind with him that caused the small flames to dance and sputter.

"Slow down, boy, or I'll have to re-light every candle in the house!" she chided him. But there was laughter in her voice.

"

Comments

[whipchick]

Urgh!

I really like her reasoning for not marrying, and the voice here is great. This was a little long for me, but the characters were lovely.

[violaconspiracy]

I agree that it's a little long for LJ Idol, and I wasn't sure how well it would be received because of that. All told, I feel like I took as many words as I needed to in order to tell the story. But I'm also sure that a more practiced eye could probably direct me to areas that truly could be sacrificed without hurting the integrity of the piece.
I appreciate your taking the time to read it!

[whipchick]

Honestly, I don't know that it's long for the story itself - I agree, you used the words you needed. It's so much about this venue sometimes :)

[whipchick]

Just taking a quick look, it might be a surgical strike rather than big cuts - excuse me if this is unwanted help - there are places where your language is strong enough to need less of it. Looking at the first section

[kagomeshuko]

Josiah sounds like a helpful little boy :)

[violaconspiracy]

He really is a good kid, and I can assure you that Rebecca wholeheartedly regrets the spanking she gave him.

[catwomon]

Good story.

[violaconspiracy]

Thanks!