Crimson light rested in jagged pieces, broken by the spidery frame of the rosette window far above me. Prone, I stared up at this window, an oculus hiding a distorted and weeping sun
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quick, pull this back off the web (vileone was nagging me about destroying 1st publication rights by posting my stuff...) and send it off somewhere! it's beautiful and haunting and creepy and does that magical, publishable THING of being self-contained even while opening up a thousand possibilities for preceeding/following narrative. i know it's a piece of bigger pieces, but it also speaks alone, implying all those wonderful things it--and terrible things--it doesn't quite commit to... so, see, it's not only artistic but Artistic, and so someone might want to pay for it.
much virtual applause comes your way! (and btw hello!) -t
And so your fans spreadvileoneSeptember 4 2003, 07:13:01 UTC
tyratae sent me mail saying go see! go see! Perhaps she was more eloquent, but I think I only hear her heart sometimes.
Your choice of words is often wondrous without becoming thesaurupathetic. Your pacing is exquisite.
A few places it could probably use another couple of edits just to find the perfect word and to throw out any dead weight (but that's true always and forever in tight writing), and there's one odd tense change that didn't seem intentional: "how sharp they are." But only one place really jarred me and made me feel it could be dramatically better: "Stay and realize." It's the fulcrum of the entire piece. If you had to find the perfect word anywhere, that's the place I think.
Thank you for posting it and for having friends who would hunt me down and force-feed me goodness. And please forgive my opinions' unasked intrusion.
Thank you for the compliments. Tyra, trust that I certainly know about fun things like 'first print rights' etc. Things I post here are not things I particularly intend to get published, and all of them are first drafts. This is a literary dumping ground, in a way. Speaking of dumping grounds, that will take me to the theme of my next entry.
Hello, Vileone, and thanks for the critique. I'm afraid the words stay as they are for the moment, because that was how they were said.
Comments 4
That, was Seriously Powerful....
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quick, pull this back off the web (vileone was nagging me about destroying 1st publication rights by posting my stuff...) and send it off somewhere! it's beautiful and haunting and creepy and does that magical, publishable THING of being self-contained even while opening up a thousand possibilities for preceeding/following narrative. i know it's a piece of bigger pieces, but it also speaks alone, implying all those wonderful things it--and terrible things--it doesn't quite commit to...
so, see, it's not only artistic but Artistic, and so someone might want to pay for it.
much virtual applause comes your way!
(and btw hello!)
-t
Reply
Your choice of words is often wondrous without becoming thesaurupathetic. Your pacing is exquisite.
A few places it could probably use another couple of edits just to find the perfect word and to throw out any dead weight (but that's true always and forever in tight writing), and there's one odd tense change that didn't seem intentional: "how sharp they are." But only one place really jarred me and made me feel it could be dramatically better: "Stay and realize." It's the fulcrum of the entire piece. If you had to find the perfect word anywhere, that's the place I think.
Thank you for posting it and for having friends who would hunt me down and force-feed me goodness. And please forgive my opinions' unasked intrusion.
Reply
Thank you for the compliments.
Tyra, trust that I certainly know about fun things like 'first print rights' etc. Things I post here are not things I particularly intend to get published, and all of them are first drafts. This is a literary dumping ground, in a way.
Speaking of dumping grounds, that will take me to the theme of my next entry.
Hello, Vileone, and thanks for the critique. I'm afraid the words stay as they are for the moment, because that was how they were said.
-M
Reply
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