this morning i logged into my bank account online to see how much money i still need for rent. to my shock and horror, as one would say, my balance was almost three hundred dollars negative. fan-fucking-tastic. so i almost faint, stumble to my flip flops (and down the four flights of stairs to my car), and race to wells fargo, only to be yelled at ( Read more... )

for some reason, despite the fact that i'm desperate to leave this apartment and the memories that are lurking in every corner & behind every door, i'm having a terrible time moving out. i don' know if it's lack of motivation or mere procrastination, but it's taking me ages to get my shit together and out. i meant to be completely moved weeks ago, ( Read more... )

over a year has passed since my last confession. a great deal has happened, but i'm finding it impossible to put down in words ( Read more... )

i seem to have lost myself again. the sex, the speed, the confusion, the distance from my friends... i don't know where i'm at. i haven't written since i left a year ago. i haven't debated politics or thought philosophy or loved myself or anyone for far too long. Derreck worships me and that hurts because i love him more than i should when i know ( Read more... )

You Are a Fruitcake!


( Read more... )

( no lube on prom night? )

a few weeks ago i realised that my narcissism had crossed that awful line. it became negative, somewhere after enlightenment. i don't just have a self-loving/self-loathing complex, i take it out on everybody around me. on everyone i love the most. i use them. in different ways, but i do. i expect them to be there for me when i'm not going to be ( Read more... )

so my samurai ditched out on me. well, i guess it was his mom, but still. he could run away if he really wanted to. he would if he loved me have as much as he acts. so what if his crazy overprotective filipino mother disowns him?--i think he'd be better off anyway. james agrees. he wants to whisk him off to his mansion in texas. i think he should ( Read more... )

sloopy's gone. i've cried a lot. way to go, mom.

when i was talking sex with moxy, mocking his virginity, he asked if it really meant that much to me, if i really needed it so much and if this long really has been too long for me. i didn't know how to answer, because no, i really don't care, but yes, i do need it. sex is an alternative to razorblades for me, the self-destruction i need to realise ( Read more... )