God Blessed the Broken Road. Chapter One.
Written by: lady_lilith and lady_death.
Title: God Blessed the Broken Road. Chapter One.
Fandom: MLB: New York Yankees.
Characters: Andy Pettitte, Joe Girardi.
Word Count: 7,090.
Rating: PG-13.
Summary: It's all at once his best and worst day.
Author's Notes: This is set on August 19, 2010. This begins before BP, the Yankees would later beat the Tigers, at home. Earlier that day Roger Clemens was indicted by a fedral Grand Jury on perjury and obstruction charges. Joe and Andy were teammates on the Yankees from 1996, Roger joined them in 1999. Joe left for Chicago in 2000, Andy and Roger left for Houston in 2004. Joe would later become Andy's manager in 2008 after Andy rejoined the Yankees.
He's slumped in a chair in an unused training room, tossing his phone between his hands, ignoring the various beeps it keeps admitting.
From the doorway, "It stops making sounds if you turn it off."
"But then I can't tell who is tryin’ to reach me."
"That is true."
"It could be important." Sighs, rubbing a hand over his face.
"You could ask Laura to call the landline if she needs you."
"You're right, Laura would be the only one to call." Glances up at him, "So you've seen it?"
"I did. Can I sit?"
Waves his hand at the seat next to him, in a go ahead gesture.
"Only if you want the company."
"I don't want to be alone with my own company." Smiles a little at him, "But that's not a good argument for you to want to stay."
Takes the seat next to him, "It's the best argument I've heard yet."
"You're willing to put up with me?"
"I have for this long, haven't I?"
"When you were my catcher you had no choice."
"One always has a choice in the friends he keeps."
Sighs, "Disloyalty isn't a bad reason to end a friendship."
"Honesty is a good reason to keep one."
"Is honesty worth ruining someone's life?"
"Honesty can't ruin a life. Only lies can."
"Do you think..." Shakes his head.
"I think often. What about?"
"Is there anytime a lie is more important than the truth?"
"A better question to ask is if a friendship could be worth swearing to God and then lying."
"You wouldn't...for someone you love?"
"I've thought a lot about that. I don't know."
"The longer this goes on, the more I wonder if my priorities were wrong. It seemed so important to admit what happened. It was my choice, and I need to take responsibility for it. And now...what if he's right?"
"Could you look at yourself in the mirror if you knew you lied?"
Quietly, "Sometimes I can't look at myself now."
"Why, Andy? What did you do wrong?"
"I've disappointed so many people. The boys..."
"Do you know how many people are proud of what you did?"
"Proud of what? I tried to tell myself what I was doing wasn't banned, so that made it okay. I messed up my life then. If I hadn't made that mistake I wouldn't have needed to apologize, wouldn’t have needed to contradict him. They want me to testify now."
"But you stood up and admitted that mistake. That takes more courage than anything else. People think it's hard to stand out on the field in the middle of a World Series. That's nothing as compared to standing up in front of people and admitting you made a mistake. And that you're sorry for it."
"Even if it cost me Kory and all of them?"
"Someday we can hope they'll understand that you had to do what you did."
"I thought we could heal things in time, but if this goes to court they're never going to forgive me."
"You don't know that. Love forgives."
"I used to think that."
"I believe it still."
"I don't expect...it's over. But the kids, it's not their fault, they shouldn't be in the middle."
"And when things settle down, you can contact them. They're old enough to be reasoned with."
"Maybe." Turns his phone off, setting it aside.
"At least give them a chance to understand your side."
"I've been trying." Gives him a self-deprecating smile, "This whole thing has turned my hair almost as grey as yours."
Brushes his hand over Andy's hair, "You're not that old."
His eyes slide shut, "I'm catching up in leaps and bounds. You aren't that old."
"Tell that to my knees."
"They're holding y'all together with tape and spit or so I hear the catchers complain."
Chuckles, "That's to make sure you keep your pitches in the zone. Lateral movement is the first to go."
"I can keep 'em in the zone, just don't ask they get there quickly."
"They don't have to get there fast if they're in the right place."
"Can I remind you of that when I'm back in the rotation?"
"I'll write it down and sign it."
"I know you wouldn't--" The humour in his eyes fades, more seriously, "I know you wouldn't take anything you said back."
"Perpetual honesty is a curse and a blessing."
"When have you found it to be a curse?"
A slightly ironic smile, "1999 comes to mind."
"I don't remember you sayin’ anything you need to regret. You nursed us along all season."
"I'm glad to hear you say that."
"You know we would be short a ring without the magic you worked behind the plate."
"No, Andy, not me. But I am proud of what I contributed to that team."
"Are you gonna sit there and argue with a pitcher?"
"I wouldn't dream of such a thing."
"We know the truth, even if we don't admit it often. We wouldn't have our records without our better half."
Half a smile, "Oh you know that?"
"Deep down though we dance around it."
"That is nice to hear. Though I ask you keep that to yourself around your teammates."
"Oh? I can't brag?"
A raised eyebrow, "Did you want to?"
"It's only fair they know who is managing them. How else will the young pups know?"
"I would rather they know me as a manager."
"You still give good pitching advice."
"I'd like to think so. Then again, I'd like to think any manager knows how to advise his pitchers. I've found this isn't always true, but I do like to think it."
"It's not quite the same as wantin’ you out there during my bullpen sessions, even when I know you have manger things to do."
"Do you?"
"Yeah, but I understand you have obligations. You can't come a runnin' when I call."
"You're the only person I know for a fact would never abuse such a right."
Squeezes his shoulder, "Don't mean, you aren't missed though."
Smiles, "Thank you."
"Promise not to tell Jorgie? I don't want to hurt his feelings."
Pauses for just a split second, "Yes, of course."
"Still, if we can't have you behind the plate, I'm glad you're home."
"As glad as I am we got you back for another year."
"I had to. I wouldn't be no good at coachin'."
"Don't you think for a minute once you do decide to retire we won't be having that talk."
"And I'll be sure you've lost your mind."
"I've been told that before."
"Couldn't have been true then, I know you got some parts that are firin' full speed."
"But wanting you as one of my coaches proves I don't?"
"Proves you've forgotten I don't know how to talk to people."
"Unless you're in your element."
Shakes his head, "It's different 'tween a pitcher and a catcher."
"If you believed you would be good at it, you would be."
"Are you pokin' fun at my perfectionist qualities? Everybody spent years trying to get me past them."
"I am not poking fun. I am simply pointing out that they may be of some use. Because no one will ever get you past them."
"Y'all have given up?"
"Oh just because it's impossible doesn't me we'all aren't going to keep trying."
"The impossible gets accomplished here all the time."
"What we get accomplished isn't impossible, just improbable."
"I thought this was impossible."
"This?"
"Feeling this at ease with somebody again."
Smiles, "That's not impossible, but it is my secret as to how."
"I wouldn't want you to share it with anyone else."
"Nor will I. But there are few that have the trifecta of being my pitcher, my player and my friend."
Blushes, "That didn't come out exactly right. This friendship means a lot to me."
"To me as well. There isn't a need to be embarrassed by that."
"It's not my place to say who you're talkin' with."
Laughs a bit, "You don't have to worry."
Unsure how to respond to the laughter, "Alright."
"A lot of people have influenced my life, in good ways and in bad. And I don't regret any of those relationships, regardless of how they turned out. But my friendship with you is in a category of its own and I've never had a relationship like it. So when I say you don't have to worry, that's what I mean."
Smiles at him, "I don't know how you do it, Joe. Take it all in like that and keep such a positive outlook. Even when I'm prayin' it's hard not to think about what went wrong. But you, you've got such a great way of rollin' with life. I admire that. I know I wouldn't likely be playin' if you weren't our skipper."
"Do you want to know my secret? I can have a positive outlook on things because that's the way things should be. And if they're not that way, it's only because we're not there yet. We will be, but not yet. It's why I wear 28 on my uniform now. The same idea."
"Do you really believe that? It's been two and a half years now, and I don't know what to make of that time or the time that came before it."
"I do believe it. And I think you don't know what to make of things because you don't really know how things should be. I can't tell you that, you have to tell you that."
"Sometimes I think maybe I was just a stupid kid that entire time, seein' what I wanted to see."
"Honestly?"
"Do you think I was just a fuck?" Winces.
Without hesitation, "No."
Sighs, "Don't know if that makes it better or worse. Either way...I'm partly to blame for whatever broken pieces I had to pick up."
"There is no blame when you told the truth. But let me ask you this. If you knew in 1999 what would happen in the future, would you have done that part differently?"
"I..." Blinks his eyes hard, "would hurt a helluva lot less. Sometimes I want to erase it all and I know that makes me a coward. It hurts worse when he hasn't said a word to me in over two years. If he did...I thought he'd understand. I always expected someone would find out. I'm just not the guy who gets away with these things. It was there in the pit of my stomach the entire time. It made me jumpy as hell, and guilty. That told me right there I did the wrong thing. So when they asked it was almost a relief to finally have it out there. And I really was sorry, Joe. I was sorry for disappointing everyone. I was sorry for making excuses. And then he---to him what I did was a betrayal. Our fans, the league, they deserved the truth and then he acts like I'm the one who is making it all up. It makes me feel like I'm crazy. He never takes my calls and that makes me feel like I'm goin' out of my mind too. I just wanna try to go forward and they want to drag me back into it. I'm gonna have to get up on that stand knowin' he hates me."
"What you did was brave. You know I think that, that I believe that. The fans and the team deserve to know not only the truth but that there is someone strong enough to stand up and say it. At times, I wish more people were as strong as you, but it takes the kind of personality that is very rare in this world. But... you didn't answer my question."
"I always thought lovin' someone meant you could make it through anythin'. That's not true." Wipes at his eyes, "But which part do you mean? Letting him talk me into bed or what I said to Congress?"
"Not the sex, Andy, the rest of it. The relationship. Would you rather have not had that, knowing how it is now?"
"The sex, as you're puttin' it," glances down, "was a big turning point for me. I don't know as I can separate the two. I had a relationship with him before that and part of me wonders if I had turned him down if it would have ruined that. If that would have been black and white too. Either you're with him completely or you're not. Would I rather not had him love me? He taught me so damn much. I don't know if I erased all that if I'd be the same person."
"Honestly, could you have turned him down?"
Sighs, pausing to answer with raw honesty, "No. Not when it was clear he loved me like I loved him. He showed me I could want more and the world wouldn't end. Until that got me in trouble."
"But wanting and getting more, loving him and being loved, it was how things should have been back then. Everyone saw that. Even from Chicago, I saw that. You have that, Andy."
"Had that. Livin' with Roger is livin' life in extremes. It didn't occur to me that it could end. I guess I wouldn't take it back, but it's a hard hurt to live with now. Feels like I got a limb missin' or somethin'. One you know ain't ever growin' back, but it twinges every now and then when the weather gets a certain way. And you reach for it until it hits you all you're feelin' is phantom pain. Like wakin' up on the road and realisin' the bed's empty and ain't gonna be filled." The tears roll down his face.
A deep breath. "Loving passionately can sometimes lead to hurting just as passionately. And as much as I know it does hurt, you took a chance and you will always have that time, those memories. And you shouldn't say 'never'."
"I can say never. That's the f--strange thing. He could walk right in here and say, 'Andy, I'm sorry' an' I wouldn't be able to go back to him. I'd always know he could walk out the door at any moment and not look back. I already gave him a chance with my heart once, I don't have that much trust to do it again."
"He doesn't deserve another chance with you. But maybe someone else will."
Wipes his eyes again, "I think I used up my chances."
"There aren't a finite amount of chances for love."
"There are moments you should grab with certain people before you let 'em slip away."
"Yes, there are. And hopefully you realise that before it's too late."
"Joe...?"
"Yes?"
Shakes his head, "I'm sorry. Laura once apologized to me for asking an inappropriate question and I realised I was about to do the same."
"Please ask it."
"I shouldn't be pryin'. I trust that you've always told me what you wanted to."
"Please ask."
"Since I've been blubberin' on you, it would be fair if I returned the favour. Are you missin' anyone?"
"Missing is a strange way to ask that. I missed what might have been my best chance for that a long time ago."
"I thought you said the chances weren't finite."
Smiles, "So I did. Maybe if I'm very lucky, I'll get a second chance."
"You were my good luck charm when you caught me."
He can't help a bit of a grin at that. "Your talent doesn't need luck."
"I like to win and I'm not above appealing to lucky totems."
"Like to win?"
"Yes, I like it very much. You should smile more, Joe."
"Heal up and give me reason to."
"I've been trying to will myself better."
"If only that would work. We wouldn't lose one game to injuries."
Grabs his hand suddenly, "Thank you for this."
A little surprised, "You never have to thank me."
"No one else would listen to me go on and on. I know you have a million other things to do today, but it means so much to me to talk with my friend, not just my manager."
"Because I'm your friend is why I will always listen to you go on and on and why you don't have to thank me for doing it."
Runs his thumb over the back of his hand before releasing it, "I'm thankful, all the same."
Another very slight pause. "You're welcome. You know where to find me, if you need me. As a matter of fact, I have some work I do need to get done, but I wouldn't mind the company."
"Are you askin' me to be your office boy?"
"Can you make coffee?"
Teasingly, "Can you drink the kind a horseshoe would stand up in?"
Shakes his head, "I knew better than to ask that." Stands up, "We'll get it delivered."
Sighs, "One day I'll take you to a rodeo and finally make you more Texan."
"You keep threatening that. And I still don't see the appeal of watching someone fall off a horse."
"A bull. That would be a piss poor rodeo if they can't stay on a bronco. I'll even get you the hat." Stands as well with a grin.
"I would look foolish in a hat like that. It takes a certain type to pull it off and I'm not that type."
"That's just your northern roots talkin'." Obviously very pleased with the images flashing through his head, "And boots."
Raises an eyebrow, watching him, "I have more than just northern roots, I'm a whole northern tree."
"Trees can be transplanted." He doesn't even notice the change that's taken over his features.
"I had a less than pleasant experience the last time I tried to plant myself in the south."
"Miami doesn't have trees, it has tall sticks."
Laughs, "I will grant you that."
"Did you pick up Spanish?"
"I picked up more when I was in New York."
Bites his bottom lip, "Oh."
"What was that look for?"
Pauses, searching for a tactful turn of phrase, "You had a good reason to learn Spanish here."
Stares at him for a moment, "Please tell me you're not saying what you're not saying."
"Are we going to your office?"
"Not until you answer me."
More to himself, "It's not my business."
"If I had a non-baseball related reason to learn a whole language, don't you think you'd know about it?"
"I wasn't exactly encouraging of him. I wasn't a very good teammate that year at all. It's possible you wouldn't tell me if you had other reasons."
"If I tell you a secret, do you promise it never leaves this room?"
Nods, bracing himself for disappointment.
"Hearing that complaint through the grapevine was the highlight of my 2000 season."
Smiles a little, "Jorge wasn't your chance?"
Shakes his head, "No. Far from it."
Some tension leaves his shoulders, "Are we going to your office?"
Gestures out the door.
"You did look close." Starts to stride out the door.
Half a wry smile, "Only in the beginning."
"Happy to be teachin’ him. You make a good mentor."
"I was until he took my job."
"Did you--" Cuts himself off, abashed at how rude he was being.
"What can I do to get you to stop censoring yourself?"
"I don't want to ask you somethin' that makes things uncomfortable. I was being nosey."
"Be nosey. Ask."
Takes a breath, "Did you want him before he took your job?"
"No. I am capable of wanting one person at a time, and it was never him."
"Then you and your wife...that's it? I wondered about Jorgie, if the job got between you, for a while."
"No, that's not it. But it was never Jorge. He and I were friends in the sense that I liked teaching him and he wanted to get better. Once he got better, he didn't need a teacher anymore."
Laughs, "You can call him bossy."
Smiles, "You can call him that."
"I can't. I can only get in two words for every five of his."
Closes his eyes, shaking his head.
Squeezes his shoulder, "He's still family."
"He is. He accounts for more than a few of these gray hairs, though."
"Mo manages to get him to listen, that has to count for somethin'."
"I would like to meet the catcher that wouldn't listen to him."
"They wouldn't be a catcher. You should thank him for the gray hairs."
"I should thank him, should I?"
"Yeah, 'cause they look good on you."
"From anyone else I'd call that flattery."
"I've seen you do commercials, I can nominate you for that Touch of Gray one."
"Now you're telling me I should dye it?"
"No, that you have the sexy older guy hair people pay for."
Laughs, "Oh do I?"
Groans, "You know what I'm sayin'."
Can't help laughing again, "Yes, I do."
"I resign as your office boy if you'e gonna mock me."
"I would never do such a thing. Though I didn't finish your interview for that position. Do you file?"
"They did teach me to read in Louisiana, so I guess that counts."
Teasingly, "So long as nothing is filed under G, you should be fine."
"I knew you were gonna get all haughty with me. Bring out the college degree and the Illinois background."
"Not everyone was so lucky as to have grown up in Peoria, I understand that."
"Secretly, y'all love the way I talk."
"All y'all?"
Cracks up, grinning at him in between bursts of laughter.
Laughing himself, "If someday, in the middle of talking to the team, you hear that word come out of my mouth, you will know you've finally won."
Bumps him lightly with his shoulder, "I'm looking forward to that day. I'll take full credit."
"Oh they will all know just who to blame." Looks at him, shaking his head. "Now, as my office boy, I'm putting you to work."
"What would you like me to do? I'm waitin' for your orders."
Smiles, "I should have signs for this, but here--" Hands him a stack of paper, "--show off that Louisiana education. They go in there." Points to a file drawer. "I had understood there was going to be an intern doing this, but I suppose they needed them for more important things."
"Keepin' your office in order doesn't count as an important thing?"
"Evidently not. They care that I get the paperwork in, they don't care what happens after that."
"Mmhmm, I suppose I can handle doin' this." Looks over the stack of papers to sort them into their proper slot.
"If you do well, I'll hire you on a regular basis."
"How am I gettin' paid?"
"How would you like to negotiate your contract?"
"Well I don't know what the goin' rate is for this kind of work."
"You'll need to present your bid. Ice cream is always a popular starting offer."
"That's not my addiction, unlike some of the other guys we both know." Looks at his desk, an idea sparkling in his eyes that's quickly squashed as he returns his attention to the files.
"You're censoring again."
Defensively, almost a shade guiltily, "I wasn't thinkin' about anything!"
Just looks up at him.
Swallows, trying hard not to look at him or his desk. "So ice cream is a popular choice."
"Yes, it is. But it's not what you want."
"I'll consider it earnin' my keep because I can't pitch." He can't completely ignore the tingle up his spine his words produce.
"I don't pay your salary." Still looking at him, "Tell me what you want, Andy."
His face feels hot as he concentrates solely on the filing.
"Andy?"
"Yes, Joe?"
"I asked you a question."
"Joe." Closes his eyes for a moment, "You said I should tell you. Are you asking me?"
"Yes, I'm asking you. What do you want?"
Unable to meet his gaze still, his heart is hammering in his chest as he crosses the space that separates them. He slides to his knees, only then looking up at him.
Completely unable to take his eyes off him or to hide his surprise, "Andy."
"Please?" Places his hands lightly on his legs, leaning forward to nuzzle him through the material of his pants making his intention perfectly clear. Rocks back on his heels to gage his reaction, "This is what I want."
With his breath caught in his throat, he can only stare at him for a long moment, but if his eyes are any indication, he's far from wanting to refuse. A deep breath. "You don't have to do that." His voice is strained already.
Now he can't look away, his own eyes reflecting his need and buried below that the expectation of rejection. Undoes the first button of his trousers, "Are you sayin' no?"
"Oh, no, I'm not. I..." Another deep breath, trying to regain some sense, though without much success. "I would never want you to regret me. You mean too much to me. But Andy, if there's a chance.... I'm not saying no."
"I don't have to be the one. Or your other chance. You don't have to love me. But I know you won't hurt me and I want to feel you so damn bad. You asked what I want and I wanna taste you."
"I don't think you understand." Pause, but he's already gone this far, he can't stop. "You were the chance I missed."
Surprised, breathes out huskily, "Joe?"
"Maybe this is our chance."
Smiles at him, the lust only diminished slightly by affection as he flicks open another button, "Maybe this is. Please, can I take care of you?"
"If you're sure it's what you want."
"I wouldn't..." Pauses, some of his daring fading, "You know I wouldn't do this for anyone?"
"I do know. I know you trust me. And that means more to me than I can tell you. I would never want to do anything to hurt that. I need to know that you want this as much as I do."
Steadily, his eyes begging him to understand, "I was willing to do this whether you cared as much about me as I care for you or not. I'm tired of waitin'. I'm tired of bein' driven crazy every time I see you. I couldn't want you more."
Speechless for a moment, he can only stare at him, at his eyes, letting himself see what he's never seen. "I want you. I have wanted you for so long now. I don't want to wait anymore." Pulls him closer, leaning down to kiss him, as he's wanted to for so many years.
Pushes up to meet him still unready to trust his heart completely to anything other than the joys two bodies can bring each other. When their lips meet he's a little over zealous, driven wild by the feel of stubble against his face, strong arms around him, and the touch of his shortly cut hair underneath his fingers.
Trying to calm his racing heart is as impossible as catching his breath or keeping focus on anything save the taste of his mouth and the feel of his hands. Pulls him closer, if a bit awkwardly, wanting, needing to feel more, to be assured this is real.
"Joe." Half spills into his lap, looking for purchase so that they don't tip over. His own voice has gone gravelly, not giving a damn about being deprived of oxygen as he seeks out Joe's mouth again, "You tryin' to break your chair? 'Cause we're gonna."
The question gives him just enough pause to take in a breath, but refusing still to move far from his mouth, "The couch would be more comfortable." But even as he says so, finds their kiss again.
Agreeably, "Couch." Searches questioningly with his feet to ensure they've come in contact with solid ground before standing, urging him to follow. Unable to stand the loss of his body pressed up against his own, murmurs encouraging noises into the kiss to let his hands roam freely.
Standing gives him the ability to get him even closer, an arm wrapped around his waist. The thought is much less to moving and much more to discovering how to get him to continue to make more noises.
Fumbles blindly backwards, trying to navigate around the desk while staying flush against him. Pleading, "Joe. Couch. I want to feel you on top of me."
The words having their desired effect, pushes him a little quicker towards the couch, holding on to him, even as he pushes him down onto the overstuffed leather. A moment isn't spared before he's found his mouth again.
Settles contentedly into the cool surface, groaning at being trapped between the soft leather and the hard warm body above him. Moves to wrap his legs around him, but is stopped by the hiss of pain that elicits.
Pulls back right away, searching his face, "Andy?"
Bites back a yelp as the torn muscle in his left thigh makes itself known.
Moves more, letting him find a more comfortable spot, half-sitting up over him, watching him carefully.
Attempts to fist his shirt to use the leverage to pull him back down, "I don't care."
"I care."
This time the grunt is in frustration, "Please, Joe."
"I'll give you anything you want. But not if it hurts."
"I want you to fuck me, I don't care if it hurts."
"I care. I can't do that to you. I want you more than I can possibly tell you, I want you so badly I can hardly breathe, but I can't hurt you."
Thumps his head against the couch.
"I care too much about you to use you like that."
"I want you. I can handle the consequences, I promise. Don't stop."
"If it hurts, I am stopping." Moves to straddle him, keeping his legs pinned down. Leans back in to kiss him.
Hungrily captures his lips, determined to swallow the twinge of pain that refuses to go away, making it disappear in the kiss.
Keeps him there for a long moment, before pulling back just enough to speak, "Do you think I can't tell?"
Breathes heavily, choosing to lay there quietly rather than answer with a lie. His eyes still plead for Joe to ignore it.
"I can't. Not with you in pain. I've waited so long for this, I can wait a little longer."
"That could be another month!"
"And how much longer will it be if I hurt you?"
Petulantly, though resigned, "I want you."
"I want you too." Kisses him lightly, "But I want you the right way."
"You could be less..." Gestures, though the word escapes him for the moment as his body tries to calm down.
"Less.... caring about you? No, I couldn't."
"Upstanding. You could take advantage a little."
"I was planning to take advantage a lot. I still am."
"I was asking you to take advantage."
Half a smile, "That was asking?"
"What'd you call it?"
Shakes that off. "You could ask me to punch you, and I wouldn't do that either. It's not enjoyable if it hurts."
"I'm not that fragile."
"I know. And I don't doubt you would have gotten through it, but is that really how you wanted to do this?"
Sighs, "Not my ideal fantasy, no. But it was doin' fine in a pinch."
"But why not have ideal? How it should be."
"'Cause of that look you get when you're kissin' me. Fries my brain."
"Oh yeah? I can't say I'm sorry for that."
"Now would be a bad time to talk about how sturdy your desk is?"
"That's what that look was about, wasn't it?"
Looks away, "What'd you mean?"
"Don't do that, please."
Forces himself to turn back, "I'm not used to this. Yes, I was thinkin' about your desk and you taking me on it. Not exactly the wholesome thoughts I usually share."
"But what's wrong with telling me that? I wouldn't recommend mentioning it in the middle of a team meeting, but when it's us here alone, I will never mind hearing those thoughts."
"You get me goin' and I might accidently blurt it out in the team meeting."
"I suppose I'll have to remember not to get you going during a team meeting then, won't I?"
"That's unfair. You broke apart the dam, I don't know how to stop it back up." Strokes his back, drawing mindless patterns with his fingertips.
"Can you promise me you'll never figure that out?"
"You're gonna get me in trouble with my manager."
"I hear he's a tough taskmaster."
"He is. He even banned ice cream. How can ya reason with someone like that?"
"I hear he has a pretty fair reward system in place, though."
"He's withholding my rewards."
"Rationing." Kisses him, though this one slow, teasing.
Groans, "He likes to inflict torture too and he owes me dinner."
"That's a fair reward, isn't it?" Sits up, though still over him. "You only got through half the papers in the stack."
"I was fulfilling my other office duty, you chose to interrupt it."
"I have to make sure I can get another season out of my office boy."
"I wasn't referring to that. Someone could be satisfied right now, but you decided to kiss me."
"Oh, I see. Now I'm being reprimanded for not being more selfish."
"I have been arguing that point this whole time."
"Let me tell you something. I wouldn't trade that kiss for all the.... satisfaction in the world."
Smiles, and after all of that its shy, "I was serious about dinner."
Laughs a bit, "I believe that. What are you in the mood for?" Moves off him, standing after a moment.
Sits up, "Anything. Do you have to get to work?"
Looks at his watch, "I have to get downstairs pretty soon. I don't know where this morning went."
"I should change if I'm going to sit in the dugout."
"You should. How do you feel?"
"Disgruntled."
Chuckles, "Other than that."
"I won't be sure until tomorrow, it's not fair to judge it after I, uh, overexerted the area."
"Overexerted. Please don't tell the press that."
"I'm avoiding the press today, they won't ask about baseball."
"It was nice to forget about that for a moment. You have permission to find yourself unavailable to the press today, to avoid that. No one will begrudge you a little hiding out."
"You know how much I love repeatin' no comment over'n'over." Pauses. "Joe? This has simultaneously been one of the worst and best days of my life."
"Isn't it amazing how that can happen? I have to figure it's because God knows we can't handle too much bad, so he sends us good things to temper it."
"I can't even blame Him for me bein' slow to take a leap of faith."
"It had to be today, because we needed it to be today."
"Can I ask--" Ruefully, "I'm not cuttin' myself off, it just hit me that the answer might take some time to explain and maybe I should wait until dinner."
"But you also know that once you start a sentence like that, I'm not going to let you not finish it. So while I double check the paperwork for this game, you're going to sit here, next to my desk and ask me."
"I thought I was supposed to change?" Sits carefully on the couch, easing himself down to avoid further injury now that he can think clearer. "Why didn't you say anything before Roger?"
Tries to keep his eyes on the paper, but he can't help but look at him, "I've asked myself that question. I've come up with a few different answers and I don't know if any of them are true. The best one I have is that I couldn't be sure enough that it wouldn't destroy the relationship we'd formed and I was too afraid to risk it."
Nods, "Even today, in here, I wasn't sure riskin' it all was the right move. What if you said no? I'd lose my best friend and I couldn't go through with it. I'm sorry I was so damn slow. Bein' drastic with me is sometimes the only thing that gets through."
"I wondered if I should have done that back then, but I came to realise that I couldn't have. I couldn't have done what he did, it's not me. And I couldn't be certain that you had interest in anyone, let alone in me."
Mutters, "I was tryin' to be a good husband." Clasps his hand together, leaning forward on the couch, "I'm glad you aren't him. He took a lot of energy, it wasn't always good."
"Trying to be a--- of course you were." Gets up, going to sit on the couch next to him, "What do you mean, wasn't always good?"
"You're supposta to be working. I don't want to be a distraction for you." Touches his face.
Smiles, "Yes, I can see that. And there's nothing more I can do with that lineup, God didn't send me enough lefties."
"I've heard there is someone you can talk to about that, to put in requests."
"Where do I put in the request to get my players off the DL?"
"We are tryin' for you. Nobody wants to be injured not with the Rays breathing down our neck."
"I know. I believe it. We should be able to get through the rest of this series smoothly. There are only a few hitters over there I really worry about and of course Phil battling himself."
"I hate playin' against someone who should be on the team still, or at least knows my stuff real well, I'll be glad when we're done with Detroit."
Nods, "He makes them nervous."
"I don't know if nervous is the right word for it. He works well as a distraction."
"I'll accept that word instead. This was supposedly our easy stretch of the schedule."
"There is no easy stretch of the schedule. You know everybody's always gunnin' for us. But your life is good in one regard."
"I think I've heard someone say that before. But do tell me, in what regard is my life good?"
"You don't have to live with Alex while he's injured." Grins.
Chuckles, "I will give you that. Please add to your prayers that we don't have to put him on the DL with the lot of you."
"I do pray for that, but bein' a cautious fella, I also told Jeet he can hide out at my house."
"That's very kind of you. I find you are one of the most easy to get along with while on the DL. I'd much rather camp out with you than he. And speaking of, maybe with the type of injury he has, we should require that. We see how you treat yours." Grins a bit.
"I'd like to think my lack of control is excusable seein' as we've never been together and I haven't done this sort of thing in a long time. You'd think it'd be old hat for them."
"Oh you think it gets boring after a while?"
"Naw, but a little self control, shouldn't you get that?"
Looks him over, slowly, "No, I don't forsee that."
"You wanna make sure I never get off the DL."
"No, I want to make sure it's as soon as possible."
"Then are you providin' incentive or hindrance?"
"I would hope it's an incentive."
"I should go take a very long, very cold shower."
Laughs a bit, "That is probably a very good idea. I need a minute to come up with how I'm going to say 'no comment' without saying 'no comment'."
"Oh about...thank you." Takes his hand again, but this time he doesn't hesitate to lace their fingers together.
Looks from their hand up to meet his eyes, "It's the least I can do for you."
"You don't owe me anything there. It's my mess and I'm goin' to stomach the rest of the consequences."
"Don't you think for one minute you'll be facing this alone. And not just me. You have a team of friends that will support you. How does this sound? 'We will deal with this situation in its proper time but for now we are going to focus on the game at hand against Detroit'."
"I don't think I'm alone, but I won't ask anyone to choose sides. I can understand if they're still friends with him and wanna offer him support." Considers the rest of what he said, before leaning in to brush his lips with a light kiss, "Sounds to me like you're a very good manager."
"Thank you. I don't want there to be sides in our clubhouse. I'll have to ask them not to speak to the press about their personal opinions on the subject and pray that most of them listen to me."
"There won't be sides. I won't let anyone start any fights because of me. This whole thing put enough strain on the clubhouse."
"I wish they would go bother Boston with this instead of us. But I can be fairly certain that the people the press will be gunning for will keep mum on the subject. There are just a few big talkers that I have to be concerned about."
"Don't let them get to you. It's not goin' to hurt my feelings."
"I have a right to want to protect you all the same."
"You can protect me all you want at dinner."
"Alright, I will. Get downstairs and get changed."
"Yes, sir." Stands though it takes him a moment to let go of his hand.
Stands as well, watching him for a moment before taking a step closer and kissing him, though it's more reassuring than anything leading to passion.
Rests his forehead against Joe's, "I'll see you down in the lion's den."
"Stay clear of the vultures."
"We'll get past this."
"I have no doubt in my mind that we will."
Allows his hand to linger on his shoulder before turning out of the office with a lot more determination than he had in the morning.
Watches him walk away before returning to his desk to finalize his paperwork, with a bit of a smile now.
Title: God Blessed the Broken Road. Chapter One.
Fandom: MLB: New York Yankees.
Characters: Andy Pettitte, Joe Girardi.
Word Count: 7,090.
Rating: PG-13.
Summary: It's all at once his best and worst day.
Author's Notes: This is set on August 19, 2010. This begins before BP, the Yankees would later beat the Tigers, at home. Earlier that day Roger Clemens was indicted by a fedral Grand Jury on perjury and obstruction charges. Joe and Andy were teammates on the Yankees from 1996, Roger joined them in 1999. Joe left for Chicago in 2000, Andy and Roger left for Houston in 2004. Joe would later become Andy's manager in 2008 after Andy rejoined the Yankees.
He's slumped in a chair in an unused training room, tossing his phone between his hands, ignoring the various beeps it keeps admitting.
From the doorway, "It stops making sounds if you turn it off."
"But then I can't tell who is tryin’ to reach me."
"That is true."
"It could be important." Sighs, rubbing a hand over his face.
"You could ask Laura to call the landline if she needs you."
"You're right, Laura would be the only one to call." Glances up at him, "So you've seen it?"
"I did. Can I sit?"
Waves his hand at the seat next to him, in a go ahead gesture.
"Only if you want the company."
"I don't want to be alone with my own company." Smiles a little at him, "But that's not a good argument for you to want to stay."
Takes the seat next to him, "It's the best argument I've heard yet."
"You're willing to put up with me?"
"I have for this long, haven't I?"
"When you were my catcher you had no choice."
"One always has a choice in the friends he keeps."
Sighs, "Disloyalty isn't a bad reason to end a friendship."
"Honesty is a good reason to keep one."
"Is honesty worth ruining someone's life?"
"Honesty can't ruin a life. Only lies can."
"Do you think..." Shakes his head.
"I think often. What about?"
"Is there anytime a lie is more important than the truth?"
"A better question to ask is if a friendship could be worth swearing to God and then lying."
"You wouldn't...for someone you love?"
"I've thought a lot about that. I don't know."
"The longer this goes on, the more I wonder if my priorities were wrong. It seemed so important to admit what happened. It was my choice, and I need to take responsibility for it. And now...what if he's right?"
"Could you look at yourself in the mirror if you knew you lied?"
Quietly, "Sometimes I can't look at myself now."
"Why, Andy? What did you do wrong?"
"I've disappointed so many people. The boys..."
"Do you know how many people are proud of what you did?"
"Proud of what? I tried to tell myself what I was doing wasn't banned, so that made it okay. I messed up my life then. If I hadn't made that mistake I wouldn't have needed to apologize, wouldn’t have needed to contradict him. They want me to testify now."
"But you stood up and admitted that mistake. That takes more courage than anything else. People think it's hard to stand out on the field in the middle of a World Series. That's nothing as compared to standing up in front of people and admitting you made a mistake. And that you're sorry for it."
"Even if it cost me Kory and all of them?"
"Someday we can hope they'll understand that you had to do what you did."
"I thought we could heal things in time, but if this goes to court they're never going to forgive me."
"You don't know that. Love forgives."
"I used to think that."
"I believe it still."
"I don't expect...it's over. But the kids, it's not their fault, they shouldn't be in the middle."
"And when things settle down, you can contact them. They're old enough to be reasoned with."
"Maybe." Turns his phone off, setting it aside.
"At least give them a chance to understand your side."
"I've been trying." Gives him a self-deprecating smile, "This whole thing has turned my hair almost as grey as yours."
Brushes his hand over Andy's hair, "You're not that old."
His eyes slide shut, "I'm catching up in leaps and bounds. You aren't that old."
"Tell that to my knees."
"They're holding y'all together with tape and spit or so I hear the catchers complain."
Chuckles, "That's to make sure you keep your pitches in the zone. Lateral movement is the first to go."
"I can keep 'em in the zone, just don't ask they get there quickly."
"They don't have to get there fast if they're in the right place."
"Can I remind you of that when I'm back in the rotation?"
"I'll write it down and sign it."
"I know you wouldn't--" The humour in his eyes fades, more seriously, "I know you wouldn't take anything you said back."
"Perpetual honesty is a curse and a blessing."
"When have you found it to be a curse?"
A slightly ironic smile, "1999 comes to mind."
"I don't remember you sayin’ anything you need to regret. You nursed us along all season."
"I'm glad to hear you say that."
"You know we would be short a ring without the magic you worked behind the plate."
"No, Andy, not me. But I am proud of what I contributed to that team."
"Are you gonna sit there and argue with a pitcher?"
"I wouldn't dream of such a thing."
"We know the truth, even if we don't admit it often. We wouldn't have our records without our better half."
Half a smile, "Oh you know that?"
"Deep down though we dance around it."
"That is nice to hear. Though I ask you keep that to yourself around your teammates."
"Oh? I can't brag?"
A raised eyebrow, "Did you want to?"
"It's only fair they know who is managing them. How else will the young pups know?"
"I would rather they know me as a manager."
"You still give good pitching advice."
"I'd like to think so. Then again, I'd like to think any manager knows how to advise his pitchers. I've found this isn't always true, but I do like to think it."
"It's not quite the same as wantin’ you out there during my bullpen sessions, even when I know you have manger things to do."
"Do you?"
"Yeah, but I understand you have obligations. You can't come a runnin' when I call."
"You're the only person I know for a fact would never abuse such a right."
Squeezes his shoulder, "Don't mean, you aren't missed though."
Smiles, "Thank you."
"Promise not to tell Jorgie? I don't want to hurt his feelings."
Pauses for just a split second, "Yes, of course."
"Still, if we can't have you behind the plate, I'm glad you're home."
"As glad as I am we got you back for another year."
"I had to. I wouldn't be no good at coachin'."
"Don't you think for a minute once you do decide to retire we won't be having that talk."
"And I'll be sure you've lost your mind."
"I've been told that before."
"Couldn't have been true then, I know you got some parts that are firin' full speed."
"But wanting you as one of my coaches proves I don't?"
"Proves you've forgotten I don't know how to talk to people."
"Unless you're in your element."
Shakes his head, "It's different 'tween a pitcher and a catcher."
"If you believed you would be good at it, you would be."
"Are you pokin' fun at my perfectionist qualities? Everybody spent years trying to get me past them."
"I am not poking fun. I am simply pointing out that they may be of some use. Because no one will ever get you past them."
"Y'all have given up?"
"Oh just because it's impossible doesn't me we'all aren't going to keep trying."
"The impossible gets accomplished here all the time."
"What we get accomplished isn't impossible, just improbable."
"I thought this was impossible."
"This?"
"Feeling this at ease with somebody again."
Smiles, "That's not impossible, but it is my secret as to how."
"I wouldn't want you to share it with anyone else."
"Nor will I. But there are few that have the trifecta of being my pitcher, my player and my friend."
Blushes, "That didn't come out exactly right. This friendship means a lot to me."
"To me as well. There isn't a need to be embarrassed by that."
"It's not my place to say who you're talkin' with."
Laughs a bit, "You don't have to worry."
Unsure how to respond to the laughter, "Alright."
"A lot of people have influenced my life, in good ways and in bad. And I don't regret any of those relationships, regardless of how they turned out. But my friendship with you is in a category of its own and I've never had a relationship like it. So when I say you don't have to worry, that's what I mean."
Smiles at him, "I don't know how you do it, Joe. Take it all in like that and keep such a positive outlook. Even when I'm prayin' it's hard not to think about what went wrong. But you, you've got such a great way of rollin' with life. I admire that. I know I wouldn't likely be playin' if you weren't our skipper."
"Do you want to know my secret? I can have a positive outlook on things because that's the way things should be. And if they're not that way, it's only because we're not there yet. We will be, but not yet. It's why I wear 28 on my uniform now. The same idea."
"Do you really believe that? It's been two and a half years now, and I don't know what to make of that time or the time that came before it."
"I do believe it. And I think you don't know what to make of things because you don't really know how things should be. I can't tell you that, you have to tell you that."
"Sometimes I think maybe I was just a stupid kid that entire time, seein' what I wanted to see."
"Honestly?"
"Do you think I was just a fuck?" Winces.
Without hesitation, "No."
Sighs, "Don't know if that makes it better or worse. Either way...I'm partly to blame for whatever broken pieces I had to pick up."
"There is no blame when you told the truth. But let me ask you this. If you knew in 1999 what would happen in the future, would you have done that part differently?"
"I..." Blinks his eyes hard, "would hurt a helluva lot less. Sometimes I want to erase it all and I know that makes me a coward. It hurts worse when he hasn't said a word to me in over two years. If he did...I thought he'd understand. I always expected someone would find out. I'm just not the guy who gets away with these things. It was there in the pit of my stomach the entire time. It made me jumpy as hell, and guilty. That told me right there I did the wrong thing. So when they asked it was almost a relief to finally have it out there. And I really was sorry, Joe. I was sorry for disappointing everyone. I was sorry for making excuses. And then he---to him what I did was a betrayal. Our fans, the league, they deserved the truth and then he acts like I'm the one who is making it all up. It makes me feel like I'm crazy. He never takes my calls and that makes me feel like I'm goin' out of my mind too. I just wanna try to go forward and they want to drag me back into it. I'm gonna have to get up on that stand knowin' he hates me."
"What you did was brave. You know I think that, that I believe that. The fans and the team deserve to know not only the truth but that there is someone strong enough to stand up and say it. At times, I wish more people were as strong as you, but it takes the kind of personality that is very rare in this world. But... you didn't answer my question."
"I always thought lovin' someone meant you could make it through anythin'. That's not true." Wipes at his eyes, "But which part do you mean? Letting him talk me into bed or what I said to Congress?"
"Not the sex, Andy, the rest of it. The relationship. Would you rather have not had that, knowing how it is now?"
"The sex, as you're puttin' it," glances down, "was a big turning point for me. I don't know as I can separate the two. I had a relationship with him before that and part of me wonders if I had turned him down if it would have ruined that. If that would have been black and white too. Either you're with him completely or you're not. Would I rather not had him love me? He taught me so damn much. I don't know if I erased all that if I'd be the same person."
"Honestly, could you have turned him down?"
Sighs, pausing to answer with raw honesty, "No. Not when it was clear he loved me like I loved him. He showed me I could want more and the world wouldn't end. Until that got me in trouble."
"But wanting and getting more, loving him and being loved, it was how things should have been back then. Everyone saw that. Even from Chicago, I saw that. You have that, Andy."
"Had that. Livin' with Roger is livin' life in extremes. It didn't occur to me that it could end. I guess I wouldn't take it back, but it's a hard hurt to live with now. Feels like I got a limb missin' or somethin'. One you know ain't ever growin' back, but it twinges every now and then when the weather gets a certain way. And you reach for it until it hits you all you're feelin' is phantom pain. Like wakin' up on the road and realisin' the bed's empty and ain't gonna be filled." The tears roll down his face.
A deep breath. "Loving passionately can sometimes lead to hurting just as passionately. And as much as I know it does hurt, you took a chance and you will always have that time, those memories. And you shouldn't say 'never'."
"I can say never. That's the f--strange thing. He could walk right in here and say, 'Andy, I'm sorry' an' I wouldn't be able to go back to him. I'd always know he could walk out the door at any moment and not look back. I already gave him a chance with my heart once, I don't have that much trust to do it again."
"He doesn't deserve another chance with you. But maybe someone else will."
Wipes his eyes again, "I think I used up my chances."
"There aren't a finite amount of chances for love."
"There are moments you should grab with certain people before you let 'em slip away."
"Yes, there are. And hopefully you realise that before it's too late."
"Joe...?"
"Yes?"
Shakes his head, "I'm sorry. Laura once apologized to me for asking an inappropriate question and I realised I was about to do the same."
"Please ask it."
"I shouldn't be pryin'. I trust that you've always told me what you wanted to."
"Please ask."
"Since I've been blubberin' on you, it would be fair if I returned the favour. Are you missin' anyone?"
"Missing is a strange way to ask that. I missed what might have been my best chance for that a long time ago."
"I thought you said the chances weren't finite."
Smiles, "So I did. Maybe if I'm very lucky, I'll get a second chance."
"You were my good luck charm when you caught me."
He can't help a bit of a grin at that. "Your talent doesn't need luck."
"I like to win and I'm not above appealing to lucky totems."
"Like to win?"
"Yes, I like it very much. You should smile more, Joe."
"Heal up and give me reason to."
"I've been trying to will myself better."
"If only that would work. We wouldn't lose one game to injuries."
Grabs his hand suddenly, "Thank you for this."
A little surprised, "You never have to thank me."
"No one else would listen to me go on and on. I know you have a million other things to do today, but it means so much to me to talk with my friend, not just my manager."
"Because I'm your friend is why I will always listen to you go on and on and why you don't have to thank me for doing it."
Runs his thumb over the back of his hand before releasing it, "I'm thankful, all the same."
Another very slight pause. "You're welcome. You know where to find me, if you need me. As a matter of fact, I have some work I do need to get done, but I wouldn't mind the company."
"Are you askin' me to be your office boy?"
"Can you make coffee?"
Teasingly, "Can you drink the kind a horseshoe would stand up in?"
Shakes his head, "I knew better than to ask that." Stands up, "We'll get it delivered."
Sighs, "One day I'll take you to a rodeo and finally make you more Texan."
"You keep threatening that. And I still don't see the appeal of watching someone fall off a horse."
"A bull. That would be a piss poor rodeo if they can't stay on a bronco. I'll even get you the hat." Stands as well with a grin.
"I would look foolish in a hat like that. It takes a certain type to pull it off and I'm not that type."
"That's just your northern roots talkin'." Obviously very pleased with the images flashing through his head, "And boots."
Raises an eyebrow, watching him, "I have more than just northern roots, I'm a whole northern tree."
"Trees can be transplanted." He doesn't even notice the change that's taken over his features.
"I had a less than pleasant experience the last time I tried to plant myself in the south."
"Miami doesn't have trees, it has tall sticks."
Laughs, "I will grant you that."
"Did you pick up Spanish?"
"I picked up more when I was in New York."
Bites his bottom lip, "Oh."
"What was that look for?"
Pauses, searching for a tactful turn of phrase, "You had a good reason to learn Spanish here."
Stares at him for a moment, "Please tell me you're not saying what you're not saying."
"Are we going to your office?"
"Not until you answer me."
More to himself, "It's not my business."
"If I had a non-baseball related reason to learn a whole language, don't you think you'd know about it?"
"I wasn't exactly encouraging of him. I wasn't a very good teammate that year at all. It's possible you wouldn't tell me if you had other reasons."
"If I tell you a secret, do you promise it never leaves this room?"
Nods, bracing himself for disappointment.
"Hearing that complaint through the grapevine was the highlight of my 2000 season."
Smiles a little, "Jorge wasn't your chance?"
Shakes his head, "No. Far from it."
Some tension leaves his shoulders, "Are we going to your office?"
Gestures out the door.
"You did look close." Starts to stride out the door.
Half a wry smile, "Only in the beginning."
"Happy to be teachin’ him. You make a good mentor."
"I was until he took my job."
"Did you--" Cuts himself off, abashed at how rude he was being.
"What can I do to get you to stop censoring yourself?"
"I don't want to ask you somethin' that makes things uncomfortable. I was being nosey."
"Be nosey. Ask."
Takes a breath, "Did you want him before he took your job?"
"No. I am capable of wanting one person at a time, and it was never him."
"Then you and your wife...that's it? I wondered about Jorgie, if the job got between you, for a while."
"No, that's not it. But it was never Jorge. He and I were friends in the sense that I liked teaching him and he wanted to get better. Once he got better, he didn't need a teacher anymore."
Laughs, "You can call him bossy."
Smiles, "You can call him that."
"I can't. I can only get in two words for every five of his."
Closes his eyes, shaking his head.
Squeezes his shoulder, "He's still family."
"He is. He accounts for more than a few of these gray hairs, though."
"Mo manages to get him to listen, that has to count for somethin'."
"I would like to meet the catcher that wouldn't listen to him."
"They wouldn't be a catcher. You should thank him for the gray hairs."
"I should thank him, should I?"
"Yeah, 'cause they look good on you."
"From anyone else I'd call that flattery."
"I've seen you do commercials, I can nominate you for that Touch of Gray one."
"Now you're telling me I should dye it?"
"No, that you have the sexy older guy hair people pay for."
Laughs, "Oh do I?"
Groans, "You know what I'm sayin'."
Can't help laughing again, "Yes, I do."
"I resign as your office boy if you'e gonna mock me."
"I would never do such a thing. Though I didn't finish your interview for that position. Do you file?"
"They did teach me to read in Louisiana, so I guess that counts."
Teasingly, "So long as nothing is filed under G, you should be fine."
"I knew you were gonna get all haughty with me. Bring out the college degree and the Illinois background."
"Not everyone was so lucky as to have grown up in Peoria, I understand that."
"Secretly, y'all love the way I talk."
"All y'all?"
Cracks up, grinning at him in between bursts of laughter.
Laughing himself, "If someday, in the middle of talking to the team, you hear that word come out of my mouth, you will know you've finally won."
Bumps him lightly with his shoulder, "I'm looking forward to that day. I'll take full credit."
"Oh they will all know just who to blame." Looks at him, shaking his head. "Now, as my office boy, I'm putting you to work."
"What would you like me to do? I'm waitin' for your orders."
Smiles, "I should have signs for this, but here--" Hands him a stack of paper, "--show off that Louisiana education. They go in there." Points to a file drawer. "I had understood there was going to be an intern doing this, but I suppose they needed them for more important things."
"Keepin' your office in order doesn't count as an important thing?"
"Evidently not. They care that I get the paperwork in, they don't care what happens after that."
"Mmhmm, I suppose I can handle doin' this." Looks over the stack of papers to sort them into their proper slot.
"If you do well, I'll hire you on a regular basis."
"How am I gettin' paid?"
"How would you like to negotiate your contract?"
"Well I don't know what the goin' rate is for this kind of work."
"You'll need to present your bid. Ice cream is always a popular starting offer."
"That's not my addiction, unlike some of the other guys we both know." Looks at his desk, an idea sparkling in his eyes that's quickly squashed as he returns his attention to the files.
"You're censoring again."
Defensively, almost a shade guiltily, "I wasn't thinkin' about anything!"
Just looks up at him.
Swallows, trying hard not to look at him or his desk. "So ice cream is a popular choice."
"Yes, it is. But it's not what you want."
"I'll consider it earnin' my keep because I can't pitch." He can't completely ignore the tingle up his spine his words produce.
"I don't pay your salary." Still looking at him, "Tell me what you want, Andy."
His face feels hot as he concentrates solely on the filing.
"Andy?"
"Yes, Joe?"
"I asked you a question."
"Joe." Closes his eyes for a moment, "You said I should tell you. Are you asking me?"
"Yes, I'm asking you. What do you want?"
Unable to meet his gaze still, his heart is hammering in his chest as he crosses the space that separates them. He slides to his knees, only then looking up at him.
Completely unable to take his eyes off him or to hide his surprise, "Andy."
"Please?" Places his hands lightly on his legs, leaning forward to nuzzle him through the material of his pants making his intention perfectly clear. Rocks back on his heels to gage his reaction, "This is what I want."
With his breath caught in his throat, he can only stare at him for a long moment, but if his eyes are any indication, he's far from wanting to refuse. A deep breath. "You don't have to do that." His voice is strained already.
Now he can't look away, his own eyes reflecting his need and buried below that the expectation of rejection. Undoes the first button of his trousers, "Are you sayin' no?"
"Oh, no, I'm not. I..." Another deep breath, trying to regain some sense, though without much success. "I would never want you to regret me. You mean too much to me. But Andy, if there's a chance.... I'm not saying no."
"I don't have to be the one. Or your other chance. You don't have to love me. But I know you won't hurt me and I want to feel you so damn bad. You asked what I want and I wanna taste you."
"I don't think you understand." Pause, but he's already gone this far, he can't stop. "You were the chance I missed."
Surprised, breathes out huskily, "Joe?"
"Maybe this is our chance."
Smiles at him, the lust only diminished slightly by affection as he flicks open another button, "Maybe this is. Please, can I take care of you?"
"If you're sure it's what you want."
"I wouldn't..." Pauses, some of his daring fading, "You know I wouldn't do this for anyone?"
"I do know. I know you trust me. And that means more to me than I can tell you. I would never want to do anything to hurt that. I need to know that you want this as much as I do."
Steadily, his eyes begging him to understand, "I was willing to do this whether you cared as much about me as I care for you or not. I'm tired of waitin'. I'm tired of bein' driven crazy every time I see you. I couldn't want you more."
Speechless for a moment, he can only stare at him, at his eyes, letting himself see what he's never seen. "I want you. I have wanted you for so long now. I don't want to wait anymore." Pulls him closer, leaning down to kiss him, as he's wanted to for so many years.
Pushes up to meet him still unready to trust his heart completely to anything other than the joys two bodies can bring each other. When their lips meet he's a little over zealous, driven wild by the feel of stubble against his face, strong arms around him, and the touch of his shortly cut hair underneath his fingers.
Trying to calm his racing heart is as impossible as catching his breath or keeping focus on anything save the taste of his mouth and the feel of his hands. Pulls him closer, if a bit awkwardly, wanting, needing to feel more, to be assured this is real.
"Joe." Half spills into his lap, looking for purchase so that they don't tip over. His own voice has gone gravelly, not giving a damn about being deprived of oxygen as he seeks out Joe's mouth again, "You tryin' to break your chair? 'Cause we're gonna."
The question gives him just enough pause to take in a breath, but refusing still to move far from his mouth, "The couch would be more comfortable." But even as he says so, finds their kiss again.
Agreeably, "Couch." Searches questioningly with his feet to ensure they've come in contact with solid ground before standing, urging him to follow. Unable to stand the loss of his body pressed up against his own, murmurs encouraging noises into the kiss to let his hands roam freely.
Standing gives him the ability to get him even closer, an arm wrapped around his waist. The thought is much less to moving and much more to discovering how to get him to continue to make more noises.
Fumbles blindly backwards, trying to navigate around the desk while staying flush against him. Pleading, "Joe. Couch. I want to feel you on top of me."
The words having their desired effect, pushes him a little quicker towards the couch, holding on to him, even as he pushes him down onto the overstuffed leather. A moment isn't spared before he's found his mouth again.
Settles contentedly into the cool surface, groaning at being trapped between the soft leather and the hard warm body above him. Moves to wrap his legs around him, but is stopped by the hiss of pain that elicits.
Pulls back right away, searching his face, "Andy?"
Bites back a yelp as the torn muscle in his left thigh makes itself known.
Moves more, letting him find a more comfortable spot, half-sitting up over him, watching him carefully.
Attempts to fist his shirt to use the leverage to pull him back down, "I don't care."
"I care."
This time the grunt is in frustration, "Please, Joe."
"I'll give you anything you want. But not if it hurts."
"I want you to fuck me, I don't care if it hurts."
"I care. I can't do that to you. I want you more than I can possibly tell you, I want you so badly I can hardly breathe, but I can't hurt you."
Thumps his head against the couch.
"I care too much about you to use you like that."
"I want you. I can handle the consequences, I promise. Don't stop."
"If it hurts, I am stopping." Moves to straddle him, keeping his legs pinned down. Leans back in to kiss him.
Hungrily captures his lips, determined to swallow the twinge of pain that refuses to go away, making it disappear in the kiss.
Keeps him there for a long moment, before pulling back just enough to speak, "Do you think I can't tell?"
Breathes heavily, choosing to lay there quietly rather than answer with a lie. His eyes still plead for Joe to ignore it.
"I can't. Not with you in pain. I've waited so long for this, I can wait a little longer."
"That could be another month!"
"And how much longer will it be if I hurt you?"
Petulantly, though resigned, "I want you."
"I want you too." Kisses him lightly, "But I want you the right way."
"You could be less..." Gestures, though the word escapes him for the moment as his body tries to calm down.
"Less.... caring about you? No, I couldn't."
"Upstanding. You could take advantage a little."
"I was planning to take advantage a lot. I still am."
"I was asking you to take advantage."
Half a smile, "That was asking?"
"What'd you call it?"
Shakes that off. "You could ask me to punch you, and I wouldn't do that either. It's not enjoyable if it hurts."
"I'm not that fragile."
"I know. And I don't doubt you would have gotten through it, but is that really how you wanted to do this?"
Sighs, "Not my ideal fantasy, no. But it was doin' fine in a pinch."
"But why not have ideal? How it should be."
"'Cause of that look you get when you're kissin' me. Fries my brain."
"Oh yeah? I can't say I'm sorry for that."
"Now would be a bad time to talk about how sturdy your desk is?"
"That's what that look was about, wasn't it?"
Looks away, "What'd you mean?"
"Don't do that, please."
Forces himself to turn back, "I'm not used to this. Yes, I was thinkin' about your desk and you taking me on it. Not exactly the wholesome thoughts I usually share."
"But what's wrong with telling me that? I wouldn't recommend mentioning it in the middle of a team meeting, but when it's us here alone, I will never mind hearing those thoughts."
"You get me goin' and I might accidently blurt it out in the team meeting."
"I suppose I'll have to remember not to get you going during a team meeting then, won't I?"
"That's unfair. You broke apart the dam, I don't know how to stop it back up." Strokes his back, drawing mindless patterns with his fingertips.
"Can you promise me you'll never figure that out?"
"You're gonna get me in trouble with my manager."
"I hear he's a tough taskmaster."
"He is. He even banned ice cream. How can ya reason with someone like that?"
"I hear he has a pretty fair reward system in place, though."
"He's withholding my rewards."
"Rationing." Kisses him, though this one slow, teasing.
Groans, "He likes to inflict torture too and he owes me dinner."
"That's a fair reward, isn't it?" Sits up, though still over him. "You only got through half the papers in the stack."
"I was fulfilling my other office duty, you chose to interrupt it."
"I have to make sure I can get another season out of my office boy."
"I wasn't referring to that. Someone could be satisfied right now, but you decided to kiss me."
"Oh, I see. Now I'm being reprimanded for not being more selfish."
"I have been arguing that point this whole time."
"Let me tell you something. I wouldn't trade that kiss for all the.... satisfaction in the world."
Smiles, and after all of that its shy, "I was serious about dinner."
Laughs a bit, "I believe that. What are you in the mood for?" Moves off him, standing after a moment.
Sits up, "Anything. Do you have to get to work?"
Looks at his watch, "I have to get downstairs pretty soon. I don't know where this morning went."
"I should change if I'm going to sit in the dugout."
"You should. How do you feel?"
"Disgruntled."
Chuckles, "Other than that."
"I won't be sure until tomorrow, it's not fair to judge it after I, uh, overexerted the area."
"Overexerted. Please don't tell the press that."
"I'm avoiding the press today, they won't ask about baseball."
"It was nice to forget about that for a moment. You have permission to find yourself unavailable to the press today, to avoid that. No one will begrudge you a little hiding out."
"You know how much I love repeatin' no comment over'n'over." Pauses. "Joe? This has simultaneously been one of the worst and best days of my life."
"Isn't it amazing how that can happen? I have to figure it's because God knows we can't handle too much bad, so he sends us good things to temper it."
"I can't even blame Him for me bein' slow to take a leap of faith."
"It had to be today, because we needed it to be today."
"Can I ask--" Ruefully, "I'm not cuttin' myself off, it just hit me that the answer might take some time to explain and maybe I should wait until dinner."
"But you also know that once you start a sentence like that, I'm not going to let you not finish it. So while I double check the paperwork for this game, you're going to sit here, next to my desk and ask me."
"I thought I was supposed to change?" Sits carefully on the couch, easing himself down to avoid further injury now that he can think clearer. "Why didn't you say anything before Roger?"
Tries to keep his eyes on the paper, but he can't help but look at him, "I've asked myself that question. I've come up with a few different answers and I don't know if any of them are true. The best one I have is that I couldn't be sure enough that it wouldn't destroy the relationship we'd formed and I was too afraid to risk it."
Nods, "Even today, in here, I wasn't sure riskin' it all was the right move. What if you said no? I'd lose my best friend and I couldn't go through with it. I'm sorry I was so damn slow. Bein' drastic with me is sometimes the only thing that gets through."
"I wondered if I should have done that back then, but I came to realise that I couldn't have. I couldn't have done what he did, it's not me. And I couldn't be certain that you had interest in anyone, let alone in me."
Mutters, "I was tryin' to be a good husband." Clasps his hand together, leaning forward on the couch, "I'm glad you aren't him. He took a lot of energy, it wasn't always good."
"Trying to be a--- of course you were." Gets up, going to sit on the couch next to him, "What do you mean, wasn't always good?"
"You're supposta to be working. I don't want to be a distraction for you." Touches his face.
Smiles, "Yes, I can see that. And there's nothing more I can do with that lineup, God didn't send me enough lefties."
"I've heard there is someone you can talk to about that, to put in requests."
"Where do I put in the request to get my players off the DL?"
"We are tryin' for you. Nobody wants to be injured not with the Rays breathing down our neck."
"I know. I believe it. We should be able to get through the rest of this series smoothly. There are only a few hitters over there I really worry about and of course Phil battling himself."
"I hate playin' against someone who should be on the team still, or at least knows my stuff real well, I'll be glad when we're done with Detroit."
Nods, "He makes them nervous."
"I don't know if nervous is the right word for it. He works well as a distraction."
"I'll accept that word instead. This was supposedly our easy stretch of the schedule."
"There is no easy stretch of the schedule. You know everybody's always gunnin' for us. But your life is good in one regard."
"I think I've heard someone say that before. But do tell me, in what regard is my life good?"
"You don't have to live with Alex while he's injured." Grins.
Chuckles, "I will give you that. Please add to your prayers that we don't have to put him on the DL with the lot of you."
"I do pray for that, but bein' a cautious fella, I also told Jeet he can hide out at my house."
"That's very kind of you. I find you are one of the most easy to get along with while on the DL. I'd much rather camp out with you than he. And speaking of, maybe with the type of injury he has, we should require that. We see how you treat yours." Grins a bit.
"I'd like to think my lack of control is excusable seein' as we've never been together and I haven't done this sort of thing in a long time. You'd think it'd be old hat for them."
"Oh you think it gets boring after a while?"
"Naw, but a little self control, shouldn't you get that?"
Looks him over, slowly, "No, I don't forsee that."
"You wanna make sure I never get off the DL."
"No, I want to make sure it's as soon as possible."
"Then are you providin' incentive or hindrance?"
"I would hope it's an incentive."
"I should go take a very long, very cold shower."
Laughs a bit, "That is probably a very good idea. I need a minute to come up with how I'm going to say 'no comment' without saying 'no comment'."
"Oh about...thank you." Takes his hand again, but this time he doesn't hesitate to lace their fingers together.
Looks from their hand up to meet his eyes, "It's the least I can do for you."
"You don't owe me anything there. It's my mess and I'm goin' to stomach the rest of the consequences."
"Don't you think for one minute you'll be facing this alone. And not just me. You have a team of friends that will support you. How does this sound? 'We will deal with this situation in its proper time but for now we are going to focus on the game at hand against Detroit'."
"I don't think I'm alone, but I won't ask anyone to choose sides. I can understand if they're still friends with him and wanna offer him support." Considers the rest of what he said, before leaning in to brush his lips with a light kiss, "Sounds to me like you're a very good manager."
"Thank you. I don't want there to be sides in our clubhouse. I'll have to ask them not to speak to the press about their personal opinions on the subject and pray that most of them listen to me."
"There won't be sides. I won't let anyone start any fights because of me. This whole thing put enough strain on the clubhouse."
"I wish they would go bother Boston with this instead of us. But I can be fairly certain that the people the press will be gunning for will keep mum on the subject. There are just a few big talkers that I have to be concerned about."
"Don't let them get to you. It's not goin' to hurt my feelings."
"I have a right to want to protect you all the same."
"You can protect me all you want at dinner."
"Alright, I will. Get downstairs and get changed."
"Yes, sir." Stands though it takes him a moment to let go of his hand.
Stands as well, watching him for a moment before taking a step closer and kissing him, though it's more reassuring than anything leading to passion.
Rests his forehead against Joe's, "I'll see you down in the lion's den."
"Stay clear of the vultures."
"We'll get past this."
"I have no doubt in my mind that we will."
Allows his hand to linger on his shoulder before turning out of the office with a lot more determination than he had in the morning.
Watches him walk away before returning to his desk to finalize his paperwork, with a bit of a smile now.