Minnesota store debuts credit-card sized gun.

"Sir, I'm sorry, your credit card has been declined."

"Oh my, how embarassing. Let me just get another card out of my - Gah!"

"Oh Christ! You shot me in the face with your credit card! What the hell? Why would you do that, shoot me in the face with your fucking American Express like that? Damn."

From now on anyone and everyone talking on a cell phone in public will be mocked with a "... So I was talking on my cell phone the other day, explaining how I was so important."

This, of course, excludes myself and my cronies.

Spread the word.

Televators is my favorite song ever.

New band name: You Murdering Ministers. We kick ass.

We were playing the two songs that we're really super good at, and then a bunch of people showed up to watch, it was shitty, I fucked up a lot.

Apparently we are having a basement show soon. Sounds hot.

Never mind.

For once I am relatively happy with how life is going.

Take that, life.

It is September eleventh, the most important day in the history of the world because today is the only day that anyone died. Ever.

If stolen dumpster chips were used as currency we'd be rich men.

After (not) much discussion, our name is the Rhetoric Revisionists.

You know who is the best band ever? Us. Or, uh... we. Are.