MetaFic: "Going Down with this Ship" - Part One
This all started with a prompt, which became a drabble, which became a fic, which became a comm, which became a kickass team of ficmeisters (see the roll-call below) working together for the glory of the slash. We hope you enjoy...
Title: Going Down with this Ship
Pairing: John/Sherlock ('Bonus' slash - Sherlock and an unknown(?) police officer)
Rating: Is it NC-17 still if they're just reading about it?
Warnings: Do not read the metafic by foxycop678.
Wordcount: ~1,500
Thank you so much toet_cetera55 , my alpha-beta! Any remaining mistakes are my own, and probably the result of ill-advised, last-minute edits.
Going Down with this Ship - Prologue.
To: j.h.watson@maryleboneclinic.nhs.uk
From: SH@thescienceofdeduction.co.uk
Date: April 1st 2010, 12:47 BST
Subject: This is all the fault of your damn blog!
Is this some sort of April Fool's joke John?
http://community.livejournal.com/astudyinpink
Come home immediately.
SH
To: SH@thescienceofdeduction.co.uk
From: j.h.watson@maryleboneclinic.nhs.uk
Date: April 1st 2010, 12:49 BST
Subject: Re: This is all the fault of your damn blog!
Bloody hell Sherlock. Warn me next time you send me something NSFW will you? Or better still, don't send it to my work email address?
I have appointments until 2. I'll be back afterwards.
Bloody hell.
Going Down with this Ship - Part 1/4.
To be scrupulously fair, it was not entirely the blog's fault. The recovery of the £9,000,000 hair pin had everything the media loved: sex, death, a reason to be soul-crushingly envious of someone else's good fortune. The picture of Sherlock and John as they left Scotland Yard appeared in quite a few newspapers that day. The sight of a six-foot-something GQMF and his impossibly cute flatmate was like blood in the water to the 'shippers. When the Tilly Briggs case was cracked a few days later the papers ran a picture of Sherlock, John and Lestrade. It might have all ended there if the private detective (as the newspapers insisted on calling him, to his profound annoyance) and the detective inspector hadn't just emerged from their desperate plunge into the Thames. Sherlock swore he would never wear a white shirt anywhere he might encounter the combination of cameras and deep water ever again. It was too late. The OTP and the OT3 had been anointed and the 'shippers would have their fun.
John and Sherlock are at the sitting room table, each with a laptop open in front of them. The LEDs on the wireless router blink furiously.
"Why would they do this? Is this normal? Is this what normally goes on?" Sherlock's eyes are narrowed as he scrutinises the screen of his laptop and his fingers jab at the keys.
"It's called 'slashfic' apparently," says John, "So far I've found ones about Torchwood, Doctor Who, Harry Potter..."
"That's different. They aren't real!"
"All right, all right. I'm in some of those stories too you know. Anyway - we're not the only ones. Someone's written something here about David Mitchell and Charlie Brooker."
"What do they do?"
"Well if it's what this person says they do I'll be very surprised," says John, with an astonished shake of the head. "In fact it never occurred to me that anyone could do that. Listen, Sherlock, I know I'm going to regret this but, what's the name of that one about us again?"
"Here," says Sherlock, handing over the laptop. "Take mine. I need to go and find my nicotine patches."
When he comes back, John is still staring at the laptop. The slow sweep of his head and the occasional tap of the Page Down key tells Sherlock that he's still reading.
"You're not looking at them are you? That riding crop has never been used on a living being! I should sue someone for this!"
"Calm down. They're not all like that. You just need to look at the ratings before you open them."
"That won't be necessary. I'm not going back in there."
Sherlock takes a book down from the shelf, perches on the back of his armchair, feet loosely crossed on the seat, and starts to read. He is interrupted by a giggle which makes him sigh, close the book and turn his head.
"What?"
"Some of these are quite sweet you know. There's one here where you try to learn how to cook so you can make me a birthday cake."
"Hah!"
"She thinks you'd be rubbish at it by the way, this 'sallycandance.'" [ 1]
Sherlock fixes him with a raised-eyebrow stare.
"Is that an attempt at reverse psychology John Watson, because you know it won't work."
"God no!" says John. "This one’s bloody right about you in the supermarket though," he mutters to himself. [ 2]
~o0o~
To: j.h.watson@maryleboneclinic.nhs.uk
From: SH@thescienceofdeduction.co.uk
Date: April 2nd 2010, 09:57 BST
Subject: Re:This is all the fault of your damn blog!
Have you seen this one?
http://community.livejournal.com/astudyinpink/tag/foxycop678 [ 3]
SH
To: j.h.watson@maryleboneclinic.nhs.uk
From: SH@thescienceofdeduction.co.uk
Date: April 2nd 2010, 09:58 BST
Subject: Re:This is all the fault of your damn blog!
Answer your email. Have you seen it? It's called "I'm Not Your Sniffer Dog," and it appears to be based on Lestrade's ridiculous charade of a drugs bust. It must have been written by somebody who was there.
SH
To: j.h.watson@maryleboneclinic.nhs.uk
From: SH@thescienceofdeduction.co.uk
Date: April 2nd 2010, 09:59 BST
Subject: Re:This is all the fault of your damn blog!
Oh dear God. Don't read it John, for the love of all that is holy. I end up wearing a dog collar. The kind with a lead, not the clerical kind. Who is foxycop678?
SH
Text message: 02/04/2010 10:01
Answer your email John.
SH
Text message: 02/04/2010 10:15
I'm working. I have patients.
Text message: 02/04/2010 10:16
Really - because I have none.
SH
Text message: 02/04/2010 10:21
That joke probably sounded better in your head than it reads in a text message. Just relax. I'm sure it's nothing.
To: j.h.watson@maryleboneclinic.nhs.uk
From: SH@thescienceofdeduction.co.uk
Date: April 2nd 2010, 10:23 BST
Subject: Re:This is all the fault of your damn blog!
Are you being deliberately obtuse? There is a 'fic' on that site in which a thinly disguised version of Lestrade somehow induces me to wear a dog collar and uses it to drag me to my knees.
This is the sort of thing that's in it:
"Although his hair was grey his skin was smooth for a man his age. His eyes were commanding as he ordered his colleagues to leave him alone with the private detective. He peeled off his well cut jacket revealing impressively strong looking shoulders in a crisp white shirt.
"'You've been very naughty Mr Holmes and you know it.'
"'Please, Diestrasse, I'll do anything if you'll just forget about all this.'
"'Very well,' he said, pulling handcuffs and a thin leather band from his trouser pocket. 'Put your hands behind you and stand still while I put these on.'"
This 'foxycop678' then goes on to describe how he drags me to the sofa, removes my shirt - though how on earth that's meant to have happened when I was already in handcuffs - spends what seems to me to be an excessive amount of time stroking my chest and then has me give him oral sex. I mean listen to this:
"He tugs the chain harder as the detective looks up at him through trembling lashes. 'You know what I want you to do,'
"'Sherlock!' cries a voice from the doorway. Sherlock's boyfriend has come in. He runs a frantic hand through his short blond hair and his brown eyes widen in shock. Diestrasse releases Sherlock, pushes him away and starts to rearrange his clothing. While he knows he is in control of the situation he doesn't want a fight. Although his boyfriend is a full head shorter than Sherlock Holmes, he is powerfully built."
I mean, apart from the fankly terrible pile-up of pronouns, and the fact that this man Diestrasse seems to have three hands, is that the kind of thing you think I'd do?
And how many times must I tell them I'm not a private detective?
To: SH@thescienceofdeduction.co.uk
From: j.h.watson@maryleboneclinic.nhs.uk
Date: April 2nd 2010, 10:31 BST
Subject: Re: This is all the fault of your damn blog!
Sherlock - why the HELL would you send me this at work?
Why would you send it me at all?
We'll talk about this when I get home later. If we have to.
John
To: SH@thescienceofdeduction.co.uk
From: j.h.watson@maryleboneclinic.nhs.uk
Date: April 2nd 2010, 10:34 BST
Subject: Re: This is all the fault of your damn blog!
wait... tell them you're not a private detective? Sherlock, you're not replying are you?
Delete every comment you've left. Delete your account. Burn your laptop. Sweet Jesus.
To: SH@thescienceofdeduction.co.uk
From: j.h.watson@maryleboneclinic.nhs.uk
Date: April 2nd 2010, 10:35 BST
Subject: Re: This is all the fault of your damn blog!
Wait! BOYFRIEND? Is that meant to be me?
To: j.h.watson@maryleboneclinic.nhs.uk
From: SH@thescienceofdeduction.co.uk
Date: April 2nd 2010, 10:47 BST
Subject: Re:This is all the fault of your damn blog!
I think it is meant to be you, yes. In Part 2 you seem to be trying to comfort me in my traumatised state by offering me fellatio. I'm no expert but would you say that was likely to work?
SH
To: SH@thescienceofdeduction.co.uk
From: j.h.watson@maryleboneclinic.nhs.uk
Date: April 2nd 2010, 11:08 BST
Subject: Re:This is all the fault of your damn blog!
Part 2?
STOP READING!
Why are you still reading?
To: j.h.watson@maryleboneclinic.nhs.uk
From: SH@thescienceofdeduction.co.uk
Date: April 2nd 2010, 11:37 BST
Subject: Re:This is all the fault of your damn blog!
I'm trying to work out who 'foxycop678' is. It is obviously someone who was in the room on the night of the drugs bust. They know details that no-one else could.
I only know that it can't be Lestrade. He would know immediately that I would recognise 'Diestrasse' as a very poor translation of his name from Italian to German (Die Strasse = La Strada, Le Strade = Die Strassen for goodness' sake!)
Presumably people don't write this sort of thing about themselves. That is somewhat of a relief.
SH
To: SH@thescienceofdeduction.co.uk
From: j.h.watson@maryleboneclinic.nhs.uk
Date: April 2nd 2010, 11:58 BST
Subject: Re:This is all the fault of your damn blog!
Bad news:
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/SelfInsertFic [ 4]
John.
To: j.h.watson@maryleboneclinic.nhs.uk
From: SH@thescienceofdeduction.co.uk
Date: April 2nd 2010, 11:59 BST
Subject: Re:This is all the fault of your damn blog!
Shit. Come home. NOW
SH
----------------------------------------
[Part Two is Go, people. I repeat, we have a Go from Part Two.]
----------------------------------------
Endnotes:
[1] "sallycandance " is a real LJer and the fic John is reading can be found here. [ back]
[2] “elapsedspiral ” is a real LJer and the fic John refers to is here. [ back]
[3] foxycop678 shouldn’t be a real LJer but somehow the slashdemons have conjured her? him? up from the bowels of hell to write this. I didn’t force the boys to read the worst of it. Yet. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. [ back]
[4] If you get lost in TVTropes, don’t blame me. [ back]
------------
Sparkly kittens and massive thanks to my partners in parallel-universe shenanigans who have let me quote them liberally and who have argued long and hard with Sherlock over at A Study In Pink: elapsedspiral, elapsedspiral and, most especially of the special, auntpurl (who is very busy maintaining 221b Slash Fest - prompting open until the 28th August, claims from September the 1st, people!)
Title: Going Down with this Ship
Pairing: John/Sherlock ('Bonus' slash - Sherlock and an unknown(?) police officer)
Rating: Is it NC-17 still if they're just reading about it?
Warnings: Do not read the metafic by foxycop678.
Wordcount: ~1,500
Thank you so much toet_cetera55 , my alpha-beta! Any remaining mistakes are my own, and probably the result of ill-advised, last-minute edits.
Going Down with this Ship - Prologue.
To: j.h.watson@maryleboneclinic.nhs.uk
From: SH@thescienceofdeduction.co.uk
Date: April 1st 2010, 12:47 BST
Subject: This is all the fault of your damn blog!
Is this some sort of April Fool's joke John?
http://community.livejournal.com/astudyinpink
Come home immediately.
SH
To: SH@thescienceofdeduction.co.uk
From: j.h.watson@maryleboneclinic.nhs.uk
Date: April 1st 2010, 12:49 BST
Subject: Re: This is all the fault of your damn blog!
Bloody hell Sherlock. Warn me next time you send me something NSFW will you? Or better still, don't send it to my work email address?
I have appointments until 2. I'll be back afterwards.
Bloody hell.
Going Down with this Ship - Part 1/4.
To be scrupulously fair, it was not entirely the blog's fault. The recovery of the £9,000,000 hair pin had everything the media loved: sex, death, a reason to be soul-crushingly envious of someone else's good fortune. The picture of Sherlock and John as they left Scotland Yard appeared in quite a few newspapers that day. The sight of a six-foot-something GQMF and his impossibly cute flatmate was like blood in the water to the 'shippers. When the Tilly Briggs case was cracked a few days later the papers ran a picture of Sherlock, John and Lestrade. It might have all ended there if the private detective (as the newspapers insisted on calling him, to his profound annoyance) and the detective inspector hadn't just emerged from their desperate plunge into the Thames. Sherlock swore he would never wear a white shirt anywhere he might encounter the combination of cameras and deep water ever again. It was too late. The OTP and the OT3 had been anointed and the 'shippers would have their fun.
John and Sherlock are at the sitting room table, each with a laptop open in front of them. The LEDs on the wireless router blink furiously.
"Why would they do this? Is this normal? Is this what normally goes on?" Sherlock's eyes are narrowed as he scrutinises the screen of his laptop and his fingers jab at the keys.
"It's called 'slashfic' apparently," says John, "So far I've found ones about Torchwood, Doctor Who, Harry Potter..."
"That's different. They aren't real!"
"All right, all right. I'm in some of those stories too you know. Anyway - we're not the only ones. Someone's written something here about David Mitchell and Charlie Brooker."
"What do they do?"
"Well if it's what this person says they do I'll be very surprised," says John, with an astonished shake of the head. "In fact it never occurred to me that anyone could do that. Listen, Sherlock, I know I'm going to regret this but, what's the name of that one about us again?"
"Here," says Sherlock, handing over the laptop. "Take mine. I need to go and find my nicotine patches."
When he comes back, John is still staring at the laptop. The slow sweep of his head and the occasional tap of the Page Down key tells Sherlock that he's still reading.
"You're not looking at them are you? That riding crop has never been used on a living being! I should sue someone for this!"
"Calm down. They're not all like that. You just need to look at the ratings before you open them."
"That won't be necessary. I'm not going back in there."
Sherlock takes a book down from the shelf, perches on the back of his armchair, feet loosely crossed on the seat, and starts to read. He is interrupted by a giggle which makes him sigh, close the book and turn his head.
"What?"
"Some of these are quite sweet you know. There's one here where you try to learn how to cook so you can make me a birthday cake."
"Hah!"
"She thinks you'd be rubbish at it by the way, this 'sallycandance.'" [ 1]
Sherlock fixes him with a raised-eyebrow stare.
"Is that an attempt at reverse psychology John Watson, because you know it won't work."
"God no!" says John. "This one’s bloody right about you in the supermarket though," he mutters to himself. [ 2]
~o0o~
To: j.h.watson@maryleboneclinic.nhs.uk
From: SH@thescienceofdeduction.co.uk
Date: April 2nd 2010, 09:57 BST
Subject: Re:This is all the fault of your damn blog!
Have you seen this one?
http://community.livejournal.com/astudyinpink/tag/foxycop678 [ 3]
SH
To: j.h.watson@maryleboneclinic.nhs.uk
From: SH@thescienceofdeduction.co.uk
Date: April 2nd 2010, 09:58 BST
Subject: Re:This is all the fault of your damn blog!
Answer your email. Have you seen it? It's called "I'm Not Your Sniffer Dog," and it appears to be based on Lestrade's ridiculous charade of a drugs bust. It must have been written by somebody who was there.
SH
To: j.h.watson@maryleboneclinic.nhs.uk
From: SH@thescienceofdeduction.co.uk
Date: April 2nd 2010, 09:59 BST
Subject: Re:This is all the fault of your damn blog!
Oh dear God. Don't read it John, for the love of all that is holy. I end up wearing a dog collar. The kind with a lead, not the clerical kind. Who is foxycop678?
SH
Text message: 02/04/2010 10:01
Answer your email John.
SH
Text message: 02/04/2010 10:15
I'm working. I have patients.
Text message: 02/04/2010 10:16
Really - because I have none.
SH
Text message: 02/04/2010 10:21
That joke probably sounded better in your head than it reads in a text message. Just relax. I'm sure it's nothing.
To: j.h.watson@maryleboneclinic.nhs.uk
From: SH@thescienceofdeduction.co.uk
Date: April 2nd 2010, 10:23 BST
Subject: Re:This is all the fault of your damn blog!
Are you being deliberately obtuse? There is a 'fic' on that site in which a thinly disguised version of Lestrade somehow induces me to wear a dog collar and uses it to drag me to my knees.
This is the sort of thing that's in it:
"Although his hair was grey his skin was smooth for a man his age. His eyes were commanding as he ordered his colleagues to leave him alone with the private detective. He peeled off his well cut jacket revealing impressively strong looking shoulders in a crisp white shirt.
"'You've been very naughty Mr Holmes and you know it.'
"'Please, Diestrasse, I'll do anything if you'll just forget about all this.'
"'Very well,' he said, pulling handcuffs and a thin leather band from his trouser pocket. 'Put your hands behind you and stand still while I put these on.'"
This 'foxycop678' then goes on to describe how he drags me to the sofa, removes my shirt - though how on earth that's meant to have happened when I was already in handcuffs - spends what seems to me to be an excessive amount of time stroking my chest and then has me give him oral sex. I mean listen to this:
"He tugs the chain harder as the detective looks up at him through trembling lashes. 'You know what I want you to do,'
"'Sherlock!' cries a voice from the doorway. Sherlock's boyfriend has come in. He runs a frantic hand through his short blond hair and his brown eyes widen in shock. Diestrasse releases Sherlock, pushes him away and starts to rearrange his clothing. While he knows he is in control of the situation he doesn't want a fight. Although his boyfriend is a full head shorter than Sherlock Holmes, he is powerfully built."
I mean, apart from the fankly terrible pile-up of pronouns, and the fact that this man Diestrasse seems to have three hands, is that the kind of thing you think I'd do?
And how many times must I tell them I'm not a private detective?
To: SH@thescienceofdeduction.co.uk
From: j.h.watson@maryleboneclinic.nhs.uk
Date: April 2nd 2010, 10:31 BST
Subject: Re: This is all the fault of your damn blog!
Sherlock - why the HELL would you send me this at work?
Why would you send it me at all?
We'll talk about this when I get home later. If we have to.
John
To: SH@thescienceofdeduction.co.uk
From: j.h.watson@maryleboneclinic.nhs.uk
Date: April 2nd 2010, 10:34 BST
Subject: Re: This is all the fault of your damn blog!
wait... tell them you're not a private detective? Sherlock, you're not replying are you?
Delete every comment you've left. Delete your account. Burn your laptop. Sweet Jesus.
To: SH@thescienceofdeduction.co.uk
From: j.h.watson@maryleboneclinic.nhs.uk
Date: April 2nd 2010, 10:35 BST
Subject: Re: This is all the fault of your damn blog!
Wait! BOYFRIEND? Is that meant to be me?
To: j.h.watson@maryleboneclinic.nhs.uk
From: SH@thescienceofdeduction.co.uk
Date: April 2nd 2010, 10:47 BST
Subject: Re:This is all the fault of your damn blog!
I think it is meant to be you, yes. In Part 2 you seem to be trying to comfort me in my traumatised state by offering me fellatio. I'm no expert but would you say that was likely to work?
SH
To: SH@thescienceofdeduction.co.uk
From: j.h.watson@maryleboneclinic.nhs.uk
Date: April 2nd 2010, 11:08 BST
Subject: Re:This is all the fault of your damn blog!
Part 2?
STOP READING!
Why are you still reading?
To: j.h.watson@maryleboneclinic.nhs.uk
From: SH@thescienceofdeduction.co.uk
Date: April 2nd 2010, 11:37 BST
Subject: Re:This is all the fault of your damn blog!
I'm trying to work out who 'foxycop678' is. It is obviously someone who was in the room on the night of the drugs bust. They know details that no-one else could.
I only know that it can't be Lestrade. He would know immediately that I would recognise 'Diestrasse' as a very poor translation of his name from Italian to German (Die Strasse = La Strada, Le Strade = Die Strassen for goodness' sake!)
Presumably people don't write this sort of thing about themselves. That is somewhat of a relief.
SH
To: SH@thescienceofdeduction.co.uk
From: j.h.watson@maryleboneclinic.nhs.uk
Date: April 2nd 2010, 11:58 BST
Subject: Re:This is all the fault of your damn blog!
Bad news:
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/SelfInsertFic [ 4]
John.
To: j.h.watson@maryleboneclinic.nhs.uk
From: SH@thescienceofdeduction.co.uk
Date: April 2nd 2010, 11:59 BST
Subject: Re:This is all the fault of your damn blog!
Shit. Come home. NOW
SH
----------------------------------------
[Part Two is Go, people. I repeat, we have a Go from Part Two.]
----------------------------------------
Endnotes:
[1] "sallycandance " is a real LJer and the fic John is reading can be found here. [ back]
[2] “elapsedspiral ” is a real LJer and the fic John refers to is here. [ back]
[3] foxycop678 shouldn’t be a real LJer but somehow the slashdemons have conjured her? him? up from the bowels of hell to write this. I didn’t force the boys to read the worst of it. Yet. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. [ back]
[4] If you get lost in TVTropes, don’t blame me. [ back]
------------
Sparkly kittens and massive thanks to my partners in parallel-universe shenanigans who have let me quote them liberally and who have argued long and hard with Sherlock over at A Study In Pink: elapsedspiral, elapsedspiral and, most especially of the special, auntpurl (who is very busy maintaining 221b Slash Fest - prompting open until the 28th August, claims from September the 1st, people!)