החוויות שלי בקיטנות ומחנות קיץ בארץ היו רק טובות, נראה לי. איזה באסה לך זה נשמע ממש נורא. אני מאמינה לך שהילדים שהיית איתם היו בני זונות מסריחים אבל קשה לי לדמיין את זה כי אני הכרתי רק אנשים טובים, תאכלס בני אדם "פאקינג טובים" כמו שאמרת. לא יודעת אולי הזמנים השתנו, או אולי לא וסתם היה לי מזל.
It wasn't all bad, like I said, I did meet good people, along the way, but it's really hard for me to even think about Israel, cuz I just remember being pulled away from these relationships, every fucking year. I didn't really have much of a chance there, I mean, I'm an American, who the fuck am I kidding.
Adolescence is completely different for guys. You have no fucking idea. I'd kill myself if I ever had to go through it again. Actually, I'm a little smarter now, but the mixture of being so horny you're literally HARD ALL THE TIME (and I do mean, all the time, and you can't think of anything but fucking) and being fiercely lonely and depressed and shy and having no idea how to dress yourself or present yourself in any way that's human is, uh, well, really bad.
The dreams feel good, even though on some level I know they shouldn't.
H+K .45 necessitates big, caring hands.herrdoktorMay 17 2006, 02:09:17 UTC
i envy you for your ability to tell it like it is or, more importantly, for being able to identify things you're struggling with. whether or not you launch yourself toward any action is secondary, and as both you and i know, infinitely difficult.
my youngest bro is engaged now. pop doesn't like his fiancee. in fact, pop is pretty pissed off about the whole thing, and my brother's understandably upset. there's a bunch of issues at hand here, but the predominant one seems to be based on culture, and its familial aspects.
i'm not sure if my brother wants to be closer to my pop.
at any rate, anything more on this would be trite, i think. i value your lj entries. they feel familiar, and remind me of my impression of you, the time i met you at chelsea's: infinitely affable, and more in touch with humanity than 99% of all MDs.
You know, it's weird, cuz I spend so much time away from this thing, and I don't even know why I don't write, write at least something, and then I have to write and I practically have to throw Jennifer out of my way to write something.
My parents accept Jennifer, probably because I left them no other choice; accept me with her, or don't talk to me at all. But, you know, I come from a family of those kinds of absolutes. I don't know about you, but I guess deep down, I hated the weight and burden of my familial and cultural tradition that at first opportunity, I fucking ran away from it, as far as I could.
YES. exactly. i grew up in a mixed, city neighborhood with a pretty solid Korean backing, got transplanted to northern VA in a predominantly white suburb, and finally went to a VA undergrad. i couldn't stand the Korean group there. i still dislike Korean women (apart from my mother). there's a lot i like about the culture, but there's also a lot i dislike; i'm still in the process of figgering out where i am in the cultural spectrum.
i have a feeling that my pop's not gonna like anyone i choose, and it may be the same case as your's: a begrudging acceptance.
culture's weird. it's everywhere, and nowhere. i can spit on and find beauty within any one. i can feel like i'm Korean, or American, or neither, and care or not care. it's difficult to find someone to talk to about it.
i'm actually heading up to the DC area for "vacation" next week at some point. if there's time, or if somehow, miraculously, my pop and i reach some sort of resolution in Important Matters, i'll give you a ring.
I thought about you now and again while you were away. About how much "away" time you logged, what you were doing, what you were listening to. I like how long your entries are. Always have.
Ah, I kinda went into hermitage, I didn't want to see much of the world, and the world didn't wanna see much of me, I think, I, uh, didn't even really listen to almost any music, at all. And I didn't write on the internet, and I didn't miss it, either. But, uh, tonight I really had to write, I guess.
It's the only time I do. The most I'll admit to is that I think about everyone who reads my journal and wonder if I should write notes to let people know I'm alive between entries. Usually when I'm not writing, I'm not facing shit. I'm a pretty simple man, honestly. Ask anyone. My dreams are possibly the least symbolistic of anyone's I know.
I've been hiding from things for awhile now. I'm not pretending I have any answers yet, but I gotta start thinking about this shit if I'm gonna piece together why I can't call home, or register my car, or be anything but a drug-sucking orally-fixated kid, rather than, you know. An adult.
I still stand by the Mashina stuff, but most of this music was born nostalgic. Oh yeah, Mashina and Danny Ben-Israel's "Bullshit 3 and 1/4", which I discovered last year and isn't like any other Israeli music I've ever heard. It's all this free-form rambling psychedelic music, like, an Israeli trying desperately to soul-search, without any tools, or even the language to do it (Hebrew's still a young language, they just don't have words for most of the things we feel, you know?), and, uh, I feel like that, a lot.
I guess it's nice to get a goodbye. I can't buy that death is quite as random as it's supposed to be, maybe. But it is, a little, I say, with a pack of fucking cigarettes in my shirt pocket. I hate these things.
Give it up! I've been telling you to quit since you started, and there's no better time than RIGHT NOW. No excuses, ditch the cigarettes and enjoy the extra cash, the health, the clear air. You CAN do it, you bet!
Hey man, we're getting together tonight, right? I called a couple times last night to solidify the plans, but your phone didn't pick up (around midnight). I can't get off till 6, but then I'll race home and scoop up my lady for some dog-lovin', word!
It feels fucking good. I almost cried writing about my friend's mom dying, and me not being able to fucking reach out to them. It's tough. Better than before, though. I'm gonna ride a bike to your house whenever you're home one of these days. I'm exercising, you know? It's a new thing.
come over soon, hmm? i can't bike because my knees are jacked on-the-permanent, but it'd be fun to trailwalk or dogwalk or SOMEthing, dude. hey, Andrew called you tonight, so maybe you can call back tomorrow and we'll make some actual PLANZ?
Scheisse Minelli, I just looked at my phone and realized it's been in my pocket and ROAMING all night, oh jeez. YES. Dinner? You eat? You like ta eat? Little Eran have a treat for I and I and Andy.
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your dreams are really unsettling.
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Adolescence is completely different for guys. You have no fucking idea. I'd kill myself if I ever had to go through it again. Actually, I'm a little smarter now, but the mixture of being so horny you're literally HARD ALL THE TIME (and I do mean, all the time, and you can't think of anything but fucking) and being fiercely lonely and depressed and shy and having no idea how to dress yourself or present yourself in any way that's human is, uh, well, really bad.
The dreams feel good, even though on some level I know they shouldn't.
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my youngest bro is engaged now. pop doesn't like his fiancee. in fact, pop is pretty pissed off about the whole thing, and my brother's understandably upset. there's a bunch of issues at hand here, but the predominant one seems to be based on culture, and its familial aspects.
i'm not sure if my brother wants to be closer to my pop.
at any rate, anything more on this would be trite, i think. i value your lj entries. they feel familiar, and remind me of my impression of you, the time i met you at chelsea's: infinitely affable, and more in touch with humanity than 99% of all MDs.
Reply
My parents accept Jennifer, probably because I left them no other choice; accept me with her, or don't talk to me at all. But, you know, I come from a family of those kinds of absolutes. I don't know about you, but I guess deep down, I hated the weight and burden of my familial and cultural tradition that at first opportunity, I fucking ran away from it, as far as I could.
Reply
i have a feeling that my pop's not gonna like anyone i choose, and it may be the same case as your's: a begrudging acceptance.
culture's weird. it's everywhere, and nowhere. i can spit on and find beauty within any one. i can feel like i'm Korean, or American, or neither, and care or not care. it's difficult to find someone to talk to about it.
i'm actually heading up to the DC area for "vacation" next week at some point. if there's time, or if somehow, miraculously, my pop and i reach some sort of resolution in Important Matters, i'll give you a ring.
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I like how long your entries are. Always have.
It's good to see you again.
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I still stand by the Mashina stuff, but most of this music was born nostalgic. Oh yeah, Mashina and Danny Ben-Israel's "Bullshit 3 and 1/4", which I discovered last year and isn't like any other Israeli music I've ever heard. It's all this free-form rambling psychedelic music, like, an Israeli trying desperately to soul-search, without any tools, or even the language to do it (Hebrew's still a young language, they just don't have words for most of the things we feel, you know?), and, uh, I feel like that, a lot.
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Hey man, we're getting together tonight, right? I called a couple times last night to solidify the plans, but your phone didn't pick up (around midnight). I can't get off till 6, but then I'll race home and scoop up my lady for some dog-lovin', word!
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