Unable to handle myself

[brendan_lyons]

Recently I have gotten involved with the online scene. Started off as a bit of an experiment really, as I was in an open relationship when I first signed up. Chatted to a few people, went on a few dates, nothing went anywhere. Then I drifted back to being single, and since then I've become a lot more obsessive about finding someone

Comments

[esprix]

You need to stay in therapy. Even if things aren't bad now, you shouldn't wait until they get REALLY bad until you get help, because that's just a hundred times worse.

Talk to your therapist about developing the tools you need to work through these problems as you face them/will face them in the future.

I will say though that the anxiety with meeting people isn't unique to you, but how you're responding to it isn't as common.

[muddyslush]

I went through some similar things a few years back and I had to take myself completely off the sites. I encourage therapy if you're able to access that. For me, something that helped a lot was sitting down and thinking through (writing out) what it is that I hope to get through online sites, hookups, dates, what do I imagine I am trying to get? What would fulfillment feel like? What am I afraid will happen

[brendan_lyons]

Yeah that's pretty much hit the nail on the head. Though I have met people in the local community, they're more my friends than anything else.

I have had Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. It was okay, the therapist was lovely, but all it really did was encourage me to open up properly about things rather than trying to stick a label on myself. For a while I was convinced I had borderline depression, and I still do display a lot of borderline symptoms, but I felt she was very much trying to push 'normal' onto me. I think it was probably the type of therapy.

Blowing things up into quasi-romantic fantasies has always been a problem for me though, which is where you're right. And it's not just online, it's always any time I get a bit of attention - when someone makes me feel wanted. Social skills are not a problem for me, it's regulating my emotions so they don't distort my perspective.

I too just want to connect with someone. No one has ever seemed to get me, which is frustrating.

[esprix]

If your current therapy isn't working for you, try someone new. No therapist will be hurt or insulted that it's not the right fit for your needs. Just be up front with whoever you meet with about what you want to get out of your sessions.

[muddyslush]

My rule has been to imagine "mr right" and then take steps toward becoming him, the version that feels correct to me. I agree with the comment about internal slut shaming, and I think it's hard to be romantically or sexually fulfilled when looking for someone else to fill that emptiness or heal that alienation. You are a gift to the world. How do you want to connect?

[kaji_kun]

I think you have a lot of internalized slut shaming going on. You are creating this dichotomy where one part of you wants to settle down (the ultimate or eventual you) and the part who enjoys looking at hot guys, chatting flirting, and even obsessing. The problem is you view the "slutty" you as a temporary issue, something that may go away once you go to london or when you find that perfect guy and settle down - thats not how it works. Both parts are you - and rejecting or trying to "overcome" one part is only going to end badly. Instead you need to accept these parts of yourself and learn how be happy and moderate yourself within the context of these emotions and tendencies. I'm glad to see you are getting therapy and I hope you have a good match with your therapist. If not I would definitely try and find one who is familiar with gay issues and is sex positive, it makes all the difference in the world.

[brendan_lyons]

Thanks, definitely sound like good advice :)