(…Matt.)

Um. Hi. And:

Wow. WOW. That’s just…where to even begin?

Ah, here it is! Charlotte Allen, you are a dumbfuck. And not because you’re a woman; sorry to bust your bubble, but I’m pretty sure that’s the least of your problems. But because anyone with the “Cream of Wheat” brain to put together an argument like that for publication in ( Read more... )

So I have the pinkeye again. I do not know how, but I have somehow managed to re-infect myself with some lurking eye-strep germs, leading me to all kinds of panicky thoughts about a lifetime of cycling pinkeye infections, and that is really no way to live, so if this starts happening regularly, I may have to shoot myself in the face. (Can you ( Read more... )

Um. Is there more to this story? Because, like, I'm sure being trapped under a fallen tree is scary and all, but I'm pretty positive I would wait a little longer than eleven hours before I started SAWING OFF MY LIMBS. I mean, that's a little precipitous, right? Don't people usually wait at least a day or two in this sort of situation? Maybe ( Read more... )

What the shit, y’all. How fucking TYPICAL OF ME is this? So I have a job for two and a half years. Said job gives me full and totally awesome health coverage (which is just about the only thing it gives me, but that’s another story for another day). How many times do I have to go to the doctor in those two and a half years? NONE. NONE TIMES ( Read more... )

Are you fucking kidding me? Are. You fucking. KIDDING ME???

I have to believe that there is more to this story. More like, say, a fucking TAPE RECORDING OF THE TRAFFIC STOP wherein the jury CLEARLY HEARD Lucy GIVE HER PERMISSION for David Park to use her like a gym sock on the floor of a fourteen-year old boy’s bedroom in exchange for avoiding ( Read more... )

Jesus, it’s good to be back among the fully employed. Obviously, I would have been pretty content to end up with a steady paycheck of any stripe, but I am especially thrilled with my new position, because I get to spend all day compiling, formatting, and editing text about freaking robots, for crying out loud. It’s not quite as cool as it sounds ( Read more... )

So, first day!

The Positive:

I’m in cubicle-land, which may not sound like a plus, but consider my last place of employment: it is considerably more difficult to talk untrue shit behind my back when I can hear everything you say, no?

Also? FREE COFFEE.

The Negative:There are a bunch of weird-ass, overly stringent security regulations on ( Read more... )

I didn’t want to say anything earlier because I was scared of jinxing myself, but the reason for my recent radio silence is: I am a Kamikaze Couch Potato no longer! I just talked to my HR representative, and she confirmed that everything is good to go for me to start on Monday as a desktop publisher at Data Dimensions in Austin. This is the ( Read more... )

People. PEOPLE. Back when I was an uncorrupted young high-schooler, my idea of an awesome Friday night was renting really bad horror movies with my friends and hosting our own version of Mystery Science Theater 3000. (Actually, that is still my idea of an awesome Friday night. Except with beer.) Anyway, we were always on the hunt for new and ( Read more... )

Dear local news affiliates,

I would really appreciate it if you would stop running weather updates involving single and multiple uses of exclamation points. I get that springtime in Texas is a bit melodramatic, weather-wise-I just wish you would quit contributing to it with these histrionic banners and bulletins. I don’t need a bunch of “Hail! ( Read more... )