how did I end up back here? how did I go through a whole year of meeting new people, learning new things, having fun, drinking, smoking, falling in love, being loved, busting my ass and poisoning my body and lighting a goddamn fire in my mind when I needed to, but somehow managing to find all the happiness whose mere existence somewhere out in the ( Read more... )

writing a paper on Notes From Underground, and suddenly it seems to make perfect sense. for as much as he fights to preserve it, the Underground Man is fundamentally incapable of accepting the burden of free will. he does possess, on some level, a sincere desire for happiness; but he cannot understand that obtaining it may entail any sort of ( Read more... )

I was wrong livejournal; I need you more than ever. I need to talk to you while I freak out about the fact that a girl I like and who theoretically likes me doesn't want to talk to me right now and I am drunker than jesus and trying to keep from smoking an entire pack of cigarettes in order to feel better

disregard previous post. instead give me high-fives and chest-bumps, and put your arm around my shoulder; and I'll do the same, and we can sing old songs from the old country.

(I probably don't even need this thing anymore, do I?)

this semester hasn't exactly been the ascension to divine perfection that I half-convinced myself it would be, but it's definitely going better so far. workwise, I am still slacking as hard as ever (this is an extra-bad thing when you consider that I still have a final paper from last semester that I need to finish if I want to go to Scotland, and ( Read more... )

since arriving at college, I've found myself overpowered by the feeling that people with whom I have friendly interactions secretly resent my presence, and would like nothing more than to never be disturbed by me again. it's a familiar feeling, to be sure, but one that I thought I had left behind long ago. not so; for now I wrack my brain but can ( Read more... )

I've been thinking lately (and by "lately" I mean "just now, but triggered and fueled by many other things I've been thinking about lately") about music, and the way I interact with it, and what it means to me. Right now I am listening to Stars of the Lid, and as I usually do when I listen to them, I'm simply allowing myself to merge with the ( Read more... )

I just realized that nicotine alone gets me halfway to that enlightened feeling. and I'm not sure what that means. and I'm not really happy with life right now, but I'm not really unhappy either, and I know that you just have to stay alive long enough to transcend living. it seems really easy, which is how I know I'm doing something wrong. when ( Read more... )

the arcade fire - "antichrist television blues ( Read more... )

that one might've warranted a "freakout"

but I wanted to err on the side of optimism