Well, tonight was the first time I've been out of the house on my own without A&Co other than my Janice time in what feels like years.  It feels weird, not knowing what to do with myself.  Where to go, how to have fun, where is a safe space to stay.  I don't feel comfortable enough to go over to someone's house and be social.  I didn't feel ( Read more... )

As much as I would have it otherwise, Brian is STILL dead, and I don't like it.  It still makes me cry during the day and I can’t get over this feeling of being lost.  Patt and I look at each other with this mirrored sadness in our eyes, an acknowledgement of all that he meant in our lives.  Today was one of those days.

I ( Read more... )

We talked about how freaked out I get when I’m late.  There’s this body anxiety that makes someone just want to crawl out of the skin which escalates until we can get to a point where we surrender to the fact that she has no control in that situation and she’ll have to relax because we will get there when we get there.  Easier said than done as we ( Read more... )

It’s early AM.  I’m up and hungry,  In bed so early last night that I got up early in the middle of the night.   These rainy days have me turned around a bit.  The cue is to sleep when it’s dark.  But when dark comes so early, conking out and waking late in the night is a natural side effect.  I sat and organized my itunes for just ( Read more... )

We’re practicing a new way of being.  Coming out of the hermitage, slowly at first, like that mole, hungry for the new Green of Life, willing to stick his head up out of the ground and take what Mama provides.  Today, we actually found ourselves driving places alone, out among the gathered hoards.  Scary and exhilarating all at the same time.

( Read more... )

Up in the middle of the night. It happens.  I was in bed by 8:30 and at 2:30, I’m wide awake.  It was a big day.  I don’t know why a trip to the doctor had me so tripped out, except for the fact of why I was there in the first place.  I really like the folks at Lyon-Martin.  They are so understanding and compassionate. They take their time.  It’s ( Read more... )

I had training today in South San Francisco. It was last moment as I had only read my email and signed up the previous weekend. In the past, these seminars are little more than a long sales pitch, but today was actually very helpful and informative. I really liked the instructor; she was funny, knew her stuff and had a manner that didn’t put you ( Read more... )

The thoughts have resisted becoming words, so much twirling and spinning.  Just now, that’s begun to slow a bit, Just getting to the next day has been the only thing I’ve had the luxury to focus on.  When I sit to write, I ( Read more... )

So, it’s 4:30 in the morning, been up a few hours after falling asleep before 8:00 last night.  The strange sleep patterns might be the source of these wonderings, but I rather think it just demonstrates how deliciously wrong our brains work sometimes.

So ( Read more... )

So I’m sitting outside, relaxing. Way late... creativity conspiring.  I was given so many gifts while I was in Ohio ten years ago.  A large notebook full of the inner journey that prepared me for all I am living now.  But truly, most that is there has been obscured, something to revisit.  I ( Read more... )