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wontwork4shiit

(Untitled)

Oct 17, 2005 20:41

Today I started thinking about something that I hadn't in about 2 years or so. Granted, it was prompted by something amy said, but thats ok. I started to think about my parents divorce and just how awful the whole ordeal was, and the shitty outcome, and how I still havent fully accepted the fact that things will never go back to the way they were, ( Read more... )

Comments 17

pinkbul1ets October 18 2005, 06:33:31 UTC

i love how i ask you what you're thinking and you don't tell me at the time, and so many times you go to your journal and write it. well, at least you're expressing it some how!

but my love is all I have to give! pinkbul1ets October 18 2005, 09:21:09 UTC

it's funny, i have a lot to say after reading this and the first time i commented i was too sick to really read it. so, first things first. YOUR DAD. Stop looking at his life as ideal, because it's not. There's no such thing. I mean, think about it. Things may be going alright for him, but they're not that great. He lives with controling people in a beautiful but cold house in the middle of this upper middle class let's all pretend our lives are amazing because we're really miserable fuck ups like everyone else waste land. Ok, I am not trying to put your dad down, but don't buy into the illusion. Yeah, it's shitty that he gets the nice car and he gets to live this new life because he bailed on his old when and left his old life hanging there all broken, and yeah, I agree, he needs to get kicked in the balls for that, but have you heard of karma? I honestly believe that he is or will be paying for that, and that's what I think is the saddest thing. Also, so yeah, your mom doesn't have the perfect house, or the perfect job, ( ... )

Re: but my love is all I have to give! wontwork4shiit October 19 2005, 00:26:35 UTC

O amy, this means so much. just the fact that you cared enough to write all this makes me feel soo good. And I understand what your saying. I mean, I love my moms house, I love my room, I love everyone who happens to sleep there, and everytime Im at my dad's I'd rather be at my mom's... but I just have this fear that my dad will end up fine and happy and my mom will be left with nothing but sadness and regret. And that kills me. And I do remember your visit over the summer... and I had more fun durring those 2 weeks (as geoff would say) than i had in a LONG while at home. And I do feel blessed that despite the disfunctionality(??) there are soo many people that are there for me and love me.. but I dont know. I know I cannot keep focussing on the past. I do not want the present to become the past. I just need to start letting myself feel anything.. and Im honestly trying ( ... )

never betray the way you've always known it is... pinkbul1ets October 19 2005, 01:36:50 UTC

i don't think you can fully see how much I love your family. I mean, considering how little time (in the long run of time, or in almost any human sense of it) I have spent with your family and how much I already feel at home with them says a lot. I guess I have just never felt so accepted and welcome into people's lives who really didn't know me like the way your family did, on every end. I could not comprehend how they put up with me sleeping on their floor without being pissed off every day about it, so I figured they must internally be sick of me, but even as I tried to see that I could no find it. And that blew my mind. I dunno, it's just so amazing to me what your family has unconsciously done for me, and I would be crushed to know that you couldn't see it. And, yeah, I mean, I do care that much, I care more than just those words because I really got the feeling that even when things are hell with my family, I had another place where I could belong. And that was the first time I had felt that in a loooong time. And it was ( ... )

Re: never betray the way you've always known it is... wontwork4shiit October 19 2005, 02:00:29 UTC

and just as much as you love my family, they love you. after you left my mom and grandma would always ask where you were, cuz i guess they thought you were comming back or with kristin or something.. and it was so sad.. because id be like.. uh.. shes in chicago! and they would say.. o, im sorry.. are you sad? and id get pissed off and be like.. YEAH ( ... )

Look at the Stars, look how they shine for you soul44 October 18 2005, 13:19:11 UTC

tears of amazement. I think i can understand what you're saying. Even in times of appreciating what you or your mom has... you're still like 'shit' why does dad get etc. it sucks. Amy's made too many good points though. If I had $2 and i was living content and you were a millionaire while stressed out, lost, and lonely...who'd you rather be?I didnt mean to make it too rhetorical but i guess im trying to say... most of the things we see don't mean shit. The visuals are just that, VISUALS ( ... )

Re: Look at the Stars, look how they shine for you wontwork4shiit October 19 2005, 01:14:05 UTC

i miss you selase. i feel like i took for granted the fact that you would chose to come to our dorm everyday and hang out till ridiculous hours of the morning, because now you cant just ride your bike to our appt. and it sucks. there are moments when i just want to see you. i dont know.. this sounds cheesy.. but its true. i miss you buddy! and yeah, i realize that i would much rather be happy and have nothing, than have everything and feel nothing.. its just hard to cope with the two completely different lifestyles my parents lead, when i know that they are not deserving.

satori2008 October 18 2005, 15:53:18 UTC

Nice cliffhanger JENNY! Yes I remember passing out! Cuz I was only PASSED OUT!

Only Thoughts satori2008 October 18 2005, 15:59:24 UTC

You know what's funny. I don't think it's a nice person's fault to be stuck with manipulative people. And I don't think that people tend to see themselves as manipulative on the surface. I believe that with the right conditions, presented with a situation, people will pounce on any chance they can to draw themselves to the power of dissipating insecurities. And what I mean by that is the flaws that people see or MAY NOT see but only speculate within themselves, they project onto those who may not seemingly flaunt their flaws and then they'll critique and twist that person just to feel better about themselves for another 2 minutes longer.

Also, I think materialism in any form is more destructive than the nothingness we barely covet.

As far as love. I believe there is no skewed perspective on love. There just is. Love just is. And whatever it is to you...well that's what Love is.
(Reply to this)

Re: Only Thoughts soul44 October 18 2005, 18:41:15 UTC

wait wait wait. you want this post to be replied to!? evil wierdo guy voice: Well here it iiiiiiiis buddy.
i second some of what you said. depends, knamean. it just depends.

Re: Only Thoughts wontwork4shiit October 19 2005, 01:28:22 UTC

Haha, I know you dont remember passing out. It was pretty funny.. and you know.. annoying. O well.. we need to hang out like when no one is biligerant though ( ... )

Re: Only Thoughts pinkbul1ets October 19 2005, 03:51:39 UTC

oh, slick diss!