Healing 14-16
Title: Healing
Author: x_tired_crazy_x
Sumary: Joel's finally taken a step outside. The sun is bright, the birds are chirping. It's absolutely beautiful. So how come he still feels broken?
Sequel to Sedated.
Disclaimer: This is fiction.
Sedated 1 2 3-10 11 12 13
Chapter 14
The ground I walk on when it comes to Joel is like a thin sheet of ice that I’m constantly falling through. I don’t know what to do anymore or how I’m supposed to act around him. I want to be there and comfort him through his healing process but everything I say or anything I do just ends up causing the opposite effect. I’m either being insensitive to him and his feelings or over caring and I’m sick of not knowing the where the balance is. I’m blinded by what? I don’t even know and I can’t see the line that I’m not supposed to cross. Instead I keep stomping all over it and everywhere in between.
It’s hard having to relearn Joel. He’s been the same way for so long and I’m just having a really hard time adjusting. I understand that he doesn’t need me as much anymore. That he has his independence and is able to get on day by day without me by his side.
God, I feel so sick thinking this… Is it wrong that I miss the days when he was mine to care for? When he simply depended on me, even when he didn’t want to, he simply had to. Not that I want him sick in the head again. I’m not that bad. It’s because I need to take care of him and right now; I don’t know how. I feel like I don’t know anything. I’m lost in the shitty, can’t-do-anything-right, why-don’t-I-jump-off-a-cliff kinda way.
The way I am… sucks. I can’t think of any better way to describe it. I can’t talk to Joel about any of this. I know that I can’t do that. He would probably kill me for my thoughts, hell. I’m killing myself over them and that’s enough.
God, I remember when I first realized Joel had those… voices. That these delusions he used to talk about all the time were real for him. That he wasn’t lying at all.
We were thirteen years old and he was screaming at me demanding me to tell him why he couldn’t be normal.
I remember. Oh god, do I remember.
“What’s wrong with me?”
I look up from my book finding Joel staring at me from the foot of my bed. He just got back from the shrink’s office not but twenty minutes ago and ran off to be by himself. I had finished my homework while he was gone and was waiting for him.
“What do you mean, Joel? Nothing’s wrong with you…”
“Do you really believe that?” he asks and it’s starting to creep me out, this total void of emotion on his face. When I don’t reply, he takes it upon himself to continue.
“You know they want me to hurt you,” he says. I slowly put my book to the side and sit up a little.
“It’s horrible all the things they want me to do to you, they try to make me hurt you Benji, but I can’t so I just hurt myself.”
Joel lifts his arms out in front of himself and I notice that he’s cut himself again.
“Oh god, Joel.” I climb forward till I’m standing in front of him and take his upturned forearms in my hands. He pulls away from me harshly, causing blood to drip to the floor. I watch the droplets hit the hardwood, the deep crimson contrasting with the light brown.
“See Benji, something’s wrong with me!” he suddenly screams. “You have to know! Tell me what’s wrong?”
“Joel calm down…” I try to get him to breathe for a moment but he’s not having it.
“Why can’t I be like you? You’re perfect and I’m all messed up. I’m not normal,” he collapses to the floor while I stand staring at him blankly in awe of his outburst. “Why can’t I be normal?”
That’s when I notice the tears have started to fall down his cheeks and off his chin.
“God Joel…”
Mom came rushing up the stairs and called the paramedics. I’ll never forget it though. The scene used to replay in the back of my mind like it was on repeat, reminding me why I needed to be there for him. The vision of his bloody arms. The screaming while he commanded me to answer so many questions. Looking to me for the comfort he needed.
In a messed up way, how I felt then is how I feel now. I know that Joel needs me; I just don’t know how he needs me.
Chapter 15
He’s become distant… regressing into his mind for seemingly hours at a time. It all started out as simply spacing out during conversation, but as hours and minutes turn into days, I noticed this happening more. Benji finds a comfortable place to be, then his mind disappears far from his body until I can barely tell if he’s awake or sleeping with his eyes open.
I don’t think he’s really going comatose or anything, but it scares me to see my brother quiet and unmoving when normally he’s the one encouraging me to be more active. To not let things get to me… Now I watch him through sad eyes as he curls into the recliner and visibly closes himself off to the world. His legs drawn under his butt, back pressed into the cushions, body leaning into the left armrest.
He looks beautiful in a tragic sort of way. Brown hair, grown out, falling haphazardly around his face. His eyes are shielded from my sight. I wish I had a camera to take a picture of him. I stand in the hallway, leaning against the corner watching him silently. I enter the living room, yet he doesn’t even notice. My heart pounds with concern and fear. What’s wrong with him? I take a seat on the arm of the couch, barely making a noise. I wonder, as I always do, if he’s sleeping and that’s why he’s so far gone, yet his uneven breathing tells another story. A different story and that’s when I realize that he’s crying.
“Benji!”
The sound of my voice snaps him out of his daze and he nearly jumps while hastily wiping away the salty tears running down his red cheeks.
“Joel,” he hiccups shaking his head out of it. Whatever ‘it’ is, I plan to find out. I collapse on his lap, the lower half of my body on the floor. I push his hair out of his eyes then run my fingers down his shoulders till I find his hands and hold them.
“Why are you crying?” I ask, biting my bottom lip.
Benji sniffs and barely meets my eyes. I squeeze one of his hands before bringing it to my lips for a chaste kiss. He manages a half smile, gratitude for the comfort.
“Benji…”
He takes a deep breath and carefully licks his lips. He bites his bottom lip, indenting the pink flesh. I separate his legs so I can sit comfortably between them and be closer at the same time. I drop one of his hands and slowly caress his cheek, feeling the wetness of his tears on my skin. I swear it’s like fire, his tears on my skin. It’s not supposed to be like this. Benji should not be crying.
The fact that Benji is helplessly falling apart in front of me and I’m puzzled as to why, is twisting my heart into ruins.
Slowly, and I can tell he's fighting it; more tears make their way down his reddened cheeks. I feel frustrated suddenly, clueless as to what to do.
He sniffs and than sobs suddenly, wrenching his hands away to shield his face from my prying eyes. My brow furrows and forehead creases. Benjamin…
“I don’t… I don’t know,” he croaks in a pathetically weak tone. “I just don’t know anymore,” he manages to get out at once. That’s when he cracks. When all control begins to fade away and he lets himself fall into a bottomless pit and watching him, I feel like I’m falling too. Right there next to him...
It’s weird… Feeling the muscles of my face form this sympathetic appearance. It’s foreign.
Strange.
That I’m the one giving this look instead of receiving it. I wrap my arms around his warm body and hold him in this awkward position while he cries. Eventually we move to the couch, but I keep touching him whether it’s an arm thrown over his shoulders or a tight embrace when one of his thoughts strikes him raw, I’m there for him. Not just because I owe it to him, but because I love him more than life itself.
I don’t pry into him, hoping that he’ll talk to me on his own.
He doesn’t. He’s not ready. Not yet… I understand.
At one point I place a hand over his heart and feel the steady drum under my fingers.
“You’re scaring me.”
It slips out, but it’s the honest truth so I don’t regret saying it. At this point we’ve been sitting here for hours, and I doubt we’ll be moving anytime soon. He nods his head after a long moment of considering my words.
“I’m scaring myself…”
I pull his body into mine without any intention of ever letting go.
Chapter 16
I don’t know...
I don’t know…
I don’t know… Why?
There’s something wrong in my head. That’s all I can keep thinking…there’s something wrong now in my head and why the fuck has this happened. Now that Joel’s better I turn insanely mental and now he’s taking care of me. Only his arms can turn a sob into a sniffle. Only the sound of his voice can snap me out of my thoughts. I think that’s what calms me the most. Is when he talks and he tells me that he’s alright and that I’m alright so there’s no reason to be upset. That’s usually when I can pull out of it, until I start thinking how pathetic I am for letting him take care of me. He should not be taking care of me.
He has his own argument for that. Something about me setting double standards for us and how that unfair and hurtful. I can’t find a way to explain to him that it’s not anything I can help. I just can’t stand the fact that he has to pull me out of these trances and keep me in one piece till I settle down. I used to do this for him… but he’s so much better at it. He doesn’t push by asking questions or demanding answers like I used to. He makes me realize how… how bad I was at comforting him when he needed it.
Then I start crying more. All the picking and prodding I used to do… no wonder he was unable to form sentences sometimes. All the directions I was dragging his brain, waiting on his every breath for an answer.
Smothering him. What if I’ve always been smothering him…
Joel’s in the hospital. Not for the first time either… Mom’s driving me to school so she can drop me off herself before she goes to work. Whenever Joel’s in the hospital I can’t be trusted to take the bus because I’ll get off at stop closer to the hospital and skip school altogether. Like her driving me is gonna change anything.
Mom pulls in front of the school and puts the car in park.
“Now Benjamin I’m going to watch you go inside. Then I will be going to work. I get out at 6 today and then I’ll be there to pick you up from the hospital. After you go to school, you can go see him and don’t think I won’t call and make sure you’re there!” she scolds pointing one of her cubby fingers at the rundown building I suppose vaguely resembles an education center. More like a pointless, dilapidated hell hole to me.
“Yes Ma’am.”
I exit the car and slam the door behind me. Dumb bitch doesn’t give a fuck about her other son. She doesn’t visit him unless the doctors tell me they need to talk to her. Then I manage to drag her ass in there. She hates hospitals… something to do with our father she won’t tell us about. Yet still, her son is in there fighting to have a life and she goes about hers as if my twin doesn’t even exist. Like the hospital’s doing her a favor taking him of her hands. Probably why she’s so eager to call 9-1-1 whenever something goes wrong.
I walk up the steps to LPHS. La Plata High School is always the last place I wanna be. I walk through the front doors, wait to hear my mom piece of shit Cavalier pull away. I ignore high-pitched squeals of my name; I slap a few hands without recognition of the person. I reach my destination… the double doors at the other side of the building. Once I push passed those my destination is simple.
Joel.
The hospital isn’t that far away. The staff there loves me and welcomes my presence.
I know exactly where Joel’s room is and don’t waste any time getting there. Once I open the door to his private room and see this cute little mess of brown hair pop up from under the covers. The feeling of urgency in the pit of my stomach seizes as I finally begin to relax.
Joel sits up and I move forward. We share a long hug before I pull up a chair and place it next to his bed.
“You made it! I thought you said mom wasn’t going to let you take the bus…”
“She didn’t,” I tell him and his brow furrows in confusion.
“I walked from the school…”
He nods his head and then shakes it.
“You’re almost as crazy as me…” he jokes. I half smile. “That’s not really funny is it?” he second guesses then sighs somberly looking down at his hands and bandaged wrists.
“Joel…” I begin with caution. “Wwhat’s up with these voices you were talking about… y-you said they tell you to hurt me…” It’s been on my mind since he said it… scares me.
Joel face turns white, pale, ghostly. The blankets he let fall to his lap upon my arrival get pulled back up to his neck and his eyes start looking distant.
“Joel…” I repeat his name a few times.
“No. No. No. No. No. Don’t.”
He pulls his knees into his chest.
“But Joel, I don’t understand…”
“You can’t understand. I don’t want you to.” The fear in his voice turns to a forceful kind of anger.
“I want to help you, Joely!”
“You don’t want to know, Benji!” He screams, yells, shrieks… whatever you want to call it. I hear a slight commotion outside which signals the arrival of some nurse. As the door to his room opens I watch his eyes roll back and he passes out.
I don’t think I’ve ever helped him. All I did for him was make it all worse.
---------------------
Three more chapters of that one for yuh....
Author: x_tired_crazy_x
Sumary: Joel's finally taken a step outside. The sun is bright, the birds are chirping. It's absolutely beautiful. So how come he still feels broken?
Sequel to Sedated.
Disclaimer: This is fiction.
Sedated 1 2 3-10 11 12 13
Chapter 14
The ground I walk on when it comes to Joel is like a thin sheet of ice that I’m constantly falling through. I don’t know what to do anymore or how I’m supposed to act around him. I want to be there and comfort him through his healing process but everything I say or anything I do just ends up causing the opposite effect. I’m either being insensitive to him and his feelings or over caring and I’m sick of not knowing the where the balance is. I’m blinded by what? I don’t even know and I can’t see the line that I’m not supposed to cross. Instead I keep stomping all over it and everywhere in between.
It’s hard having to relearn Joel. He’s been the same way for so long and I’m just having a really hard time adjusting. I understand that he doesn’t need me as much anymore. That he has his independence and is able to get on day by day without me by his side.
God, I feel so sick thinking this… Is it wrong that I miss the days when he was mine to care for? When he simply depended on me, even when he didn’t want to, he simply had to. Not that I want him sick in the head again. I’m not that bad. It’s because I need to take care of him and right now; I don’t know how. I feel like I don’t know anything. I’m lost in the shitty, can’t-do-anything-right, why-don’t-I-jump-off-a-cliff kinda way.
The way I am… sucks. I can’t think of any better way to describe it. I can’t talk to Joel about any of this. I know that I can’t do that. He would probably kill me for my thoughts, hell. I’m killing myself over them and that’s enough.
God, I remember when I first realized Joel had those… voices. That these delusions he used to talk about all the time were real for him. That he wasn’t lying at all.
We were thirteen years old and he was screaming at me demanding me to tell him why he couldn’t be normal.
I remember. Oh god, do I remember.
“What’s wrong with me?”
I look up from my book finding Joel staring at me from the foot of my bed. He just got back from the shrink’s office not but twenty minutes ago and ran off to be by himself. I had finished my homework while he was gone and was waiting for him.
“What do you mean, Joel? Nothing’s wrong with you…”
“Do you really believe that?” he asks and it’s starting to creep me out, this total void of emotion on his face. When I don’t reply, he takes it upon himself to continue.
“You know they want me to hurt you,” he says. I slowly put my book to the side and sit up a little.
“It’s horrible all the things they want me to do to you, they try to make me hurt you Benji, but I can’t so I just hurt myself.”
Joel lifts his arms out in front of himself and I notice that he’s cut himself again.
“Oh god, Joel.” I climb forward till I’m standing in front of him and take his upturned forearms in my hands. He pulls away from me harshly, causing blood to drip to the floor. I watch the droplets hit the hardwood, the deep crimson contrasting with the light brown.
“See Benji, something’s wrong with me!” he suddenly screams. “You have to know! Tell me what’s wrong?”
“Joel calm down…” I try to get him to breathe for a moment but he’s not having it.
“Why can’t I be like you? You’re perfect and I’m all messed up. I’m not normal,” he collapses to the floor while I stand staring at him blankly in awe of his outburst. “Why can’t I be normal?”
That’s when I notice the tears have started to fall down his cheeks and off his chin.
“God Joel…”
Mom came rushing up the stairs and called the paramedics. I’ll never forget it though. The scene used to replay in the back of my mind like it was on repeat, reminding me why I needed to be there for him. The vision of his bloody arms. The screaming while he commanded me to answer so many questions. Looking to me for the comfort he needed.
In a messed up way, how I felt then is how I feel now. I know that Joel needs me; I just don’t know how he needs me.
Chapter 15
He’s become distant… regressing into his mind for seemingly hours at a time. It all started out as simply spacing out during conversation, but as hours and minutes turn into days, I noticed this happening more. Benji finds a comfortable place to be, then his mind disappears far from his body until I can barely tell if he’s awake or sleeping with his eyes open.
I don’t think he’s really going comatose or anything, but it scares me to see my brother quiet and unmoving when normally he’s the one encouraging me to be more active. To not let things get to me… Now I watch him through sad eyes as he curls into the recliner and visibly closes himself off to the world. His legs drawn under his butt, back pressed into the cushions, body leaning into the left armrest.
He looks beautiful in a tragic sort of way. Brown hair, grown out, falling haphazardly around his face. His eyes are shielded from my sight. I wish I had a camera to take a picture of him. I stand in the hallway, leaning against the corner watching him silently. I enter the living room, yet he doesn’t even notice. My heart pounds with concern and fear. What’s wrong with him? I take a seat on the arm of the couch, barely making a noise. I wonder, as I always do, if he’s sleeping and that’s why he’s so far gone, yet his uneven breathing tells another story. A different story and that’s when I realize that he’s crying.
“Benji!”
The sound of my voice snaps him out of his daze and he nearly jumps while hastily wiping away the salty tears running down his red cheeks.
“Joel,” he hiccups shaking his head out of it. Whatever ‘it’ is, I plan to find out. I collapse on his lap, the lower half of my body on the floor. I push his hair out of his eyes then run my fingers down his shoulders till I find his hands and hold them.
“Why are you crying?” I ask, biting my bottom lip.
Benji sniffs and barely meets my eyes. I squeeze one of his hands before bringing it to my lips for a chaste kiss. He manages a half smile, gratitude for the comfort.
“Benji…”
He takes a deep breath and carefully licks his lips. He bites his bottom lip, indenting the pink flesh. I separate his legs so I can sit comfortably between them and be closer at the same time. I drop one of his hands and slowly caress his cheek, feeling the wetness of his tears on my skin. I swear it’s like fire, his tears on my skin. It’s not supposed to be like this. Benji should not be crying.
The fact that Benji is helplessly falling apart in front of me and I’m puzzled as to why, is twisting my heart into ruins.
Slowly, and I can tell he's fighting it; more tears make their way down his reddened cheeks. I feel frustrated suddenly, clueless as to what to do.
He sniffs and than sobs suddenly, wrenching his hands away to shield his face from my prying eyes. My brow furrows and forehead creases. Benjamin…
“I don’t… I don’t know,” he croaks in a pathetically weak tone. “I just don’t know anymore,” he manages to get out at once. That’s when he cracks. When all control begins to fade away and he lets himself fall into a bottomless pit and watching him, I feel like I’m falling too. Right there next to him...
It’s weird… Feeling the muscles of my face form this sympathetic appearance. It’s foreign.
Strange.
That I’m the one giving this look instead of receiving it. I wrap my arms around his warm body and hold him in this awkward position while he cries. Eventually we move to the couch, but I keep touching him whether it’s an arm thrown over his shoulders or a tight embrace when one of his thoughts strikes him raw, I’m there for him. Not just because I owe it to him, but because I love him more than life itself.
I don’t pry into him, hoping that he’ll talk to me on his own.
He doesn’t. He’s not ready. Not yet… I understand.
At one point I place a hand over his heart and feel the steady drum under my fingers.
“You’re scaring me.”
It slips out, but it’s the honest truth so I don’t regret saying it. At this point we’ve been sitting here for hours, and I doubt we’ll be moving anytime soon. He nods his head after a long moment of considering my words.
“I’m scaring myself…”
I pull his body into mine without any intention of ever letting go.
Chapter 16
I don’t know...
I don’t know…
I don’t know… Why?
There’s something wrong in my head. That’s all I can keep thinking…there’s something wrong now in my head and why the fuck has this happened. Now that Joel’s better I turn insanely mental and now he’s taking care of me. Only his arms can turn a sob into a sniffle. Only the sound of his voice can snap me out of my thoughts. I think that’s what calms me the most. Is when he talks and he tells me that he’s alright and that I’m alright so there’s no reason to be upset. That’s usually when I can pull out of it, until I start thinking how pathetic I am for letting him take care of me. He should not be taking care of me.
He has his own argument for that. Something about me setting double standards for us and how that unfair and hurtful. I can’t find a way to explain to him that it’s not anything I can help. I just can’t stand the fact that he has to pull me out of these trances and keep me in one piece till I settle down. I used to do this for him… but he’s so much better at it. He doesn’t push by asking questions or demanding answers like I used to. He makes me realize how… how bad I was at comforting him when he needed it.
Then I start crying more. All the picking and prodding I used to do… no wonder he was unable to form sentences sometimes. All the directions I was dragging his brain, waiting on his every breath for an answer.
Smothering him. What if I’ve always been smothering him…
Joel’s in the hospital. Not for the first time either… Mom’s driving me to school so she can drop me off herself before she goes to work. Whenever Joel’s in the hospital I can’t be trusted to take the bus because I’ll get off at stop closer to the hospital and skip school altogether. Like her driving me is gonna change anything.
Mom pulls in front of the school and puts the car in park.
“Now Benjamin I’m going to watch you go inside. Then I will be going to work. I get out at 6 today and then I’ll be there to pick you up from the hospital. After you go to school, you can go see him and don’t think I won’t call and make sure you’re there!” she scolds pointing one of her cubby fingers at the rundown building I suppose vaguely resembles an education center. More like a pointless, dilapidated hell hole to me.
“Yes Ma’am.”
I exit the car and slam the door behind me. Dumb bitch doesn’t give a fuck about her other son. She doesn’t visit him unless the doctors tell me they need to talk to her. Then I manage to drag her ass in there. She hates hospitals… something to do with our father she won’t tell us about. Yet still, her son is in there fighting to have a life and she goes about hers as if my twin doesn’t even exist. Like the hospital’s doing her a favor taking him of her hands. Probably why she’s so eager to call 9-1-1 whenever something goes wrong.
I walk up the steps to LPHS. La Plata High School is always the last place I wanna be. I walk through the front doors, wait to hear my mom piece of shit Cavalier pull away. I ignore high-pitched squeals of my name; I slap a few hands without recognition of the person. I reach my destination… the double doors at the other side of the building. Once I push passed those my destination is simple.
Joel.
The hospital isn’t that far away. The staff there loves me and welcomes my presence.
I know exactly where Joel’s room is and don’t waste any time getting there. Once I open the door to his private room and see this cute little mess of brown hair pop up from under the covers. The feeling of urgency in the pit of my stomach seizes as I finally begin to relax.
Joel sits up and I move forward. We share a long hug before I pull up a chair and place it next to his bed.
“You made it! I thought you said mom wasn’t going to let you take the bus…”
“She didn’t,” I tell him and his brow furrows in confusion.
“I walked from the school…”
He nods his head and then shakes it.
“You’re almost as crazy as me…” he jokes. I half smile. “That’s not really funny is it?” he second guesses then sighs somberly looking down at his hands and bandaged wrists.
“Joel…” I begin with caution. “Wwhat’s up with these voices you were talking about… y-you said they tell you to hurt me…” It’s been on my mind since he said it… scares me.
Joel face turns white, pale, ghostly. The blankets he let fall to his lap upon my arrival get pulled back up to his neck and his eyes start looking distant.
“Joel…” I repeat his name a few times.
“No. No. No. No. No. Don’t.”
He pulls his knees into his chest.
“But Joel, I don’t understand…”
“You can’t understand. I don’t want you to.” The fear in his voice turns to a forceful kind of anger.
“I want to help you, Joely!”
“You don’t want to know, Benji!” He screams, yells, shrieks… whatever you want to call it. I hear a slight commotion outside which signals the arrival of some nurse. As the door to his room opens I watch his eyes roll back and he passes out.
I don’t think I’ve ever helped him. All I did for him was make it all worse.
---------------------
Three more chapters of that one for yuh....