fic: Not Like a Thunderbolt, Part Two
Part One
The rest of the weekend goes by in a blur. Blaine eventually goes back home, but not before hugging Kurt goodbye for a long time. Kurt doesn’t reach out to contact Finn in any way, so Finn doesn’t push him. They spend their weekend actively separated from each other, but when they happen to find themselves in the same room, Finn sneaks glances at Kurt. He doesn’t mean it in a creepy way; he’s watching for signs that he is unwelcome or making Kurt uncomfortable. Whenever Finn looks though, Kurt’s eyes are anywhere but at Finn, and his expression is inscrutable. Sometimes when he isn’t paying attention, he thinks he feels Kurt’s eyes on him, but Finn never actually catches him looking.
Days go by, and with every awkward interaction he has with Kurt, Finn feels guiltier. He tries to come up with something he can do to make things less weird but keeps coming up blank, so when his mom suggests a day at the zoo, Finn tries not to sound too excited.
“What do you think, my boys? A day at the zoo… soaking up sunshine, eating junk food? It’ll be great!” Finn can see Kurt wince from the corner of his eye; he knows that if there are two things that will dissuade Kurt from doing something, they’re UV exposure and empty calories. Kurt gets this pained look on his face; it’s the same one he gets when Rachel is on one of her diatribes.
Finn can’t help but think that a family outing could be exactly what he is looking for to put Kurt as ease again. Not to mention that Finn loves the zoo with an enthusiasm that is only acceptable in kids too small to ride the carousel. His mom used to take him all the time when he was little; it was usually a reward for something good, so he has all these positive associations with the activity. His mom even made the car trip fun by teaching Finn how to play license plate games. The trip could be the answer to Finn’s prayers, but Kurt’s wearing that look, so Finn doesn’t deliberate long on what he’s going to do.
“Mom… it’s cool that you want to have a family day, but maybe we can do something else?” Finn uses his bashful face and tries to sound innocent. It usually works to get what he wants from his mom. He gestures between himself and Kurt. “We’ve got homework and Glee and stuff. Plus it’s a long drive. Can’t we just stay around here? We can have a picnic in the backyard or something.”
“Oh come on! Are you saying you’re too cool to be seen with your mother?” Carole straightens Finn’s shirt collar and pouts. She knows what face to use against him too. “You used to love it.”
“What’s all this?” Burt asks as he enters the room. “We havin’ a picnic?”
Burt crosses over to Carole, puts his arm around her waist, and pulls her into his side. “I was just trying to convince the boys to go to the zoo for the day,” Carole explains. “I thought it would be fun.” She tilts her head back to look at Finn and Kurt who stand beside each other like a united front. “You two have been acting so serious lately. I know that you’re seniors this year and you’ve got a lot going on, but that’s exactly why you need this!” She makes eye contact with both of them in turn, her face hopeful.
“The zoo, huh? Sounds pretty great to me. I don’t think Kurt and I have ever been to the one here.” He looks to Kurt to confirm.
Kurt shakes his head. “No. I was always really susceptible to animal dander as a child. We didn’t want to risk it.”
“Well!” Carole’s eyes light up; Finn has seen this look before, and it’s trouble. “Do you hear that, Finn? Kurt’s never been. Do you really think he should go out into the big world without ever having been to the zoo? It’s criminal!”
Finn rolls his eyes, just a little. When his mom gets like this, there is no changing her mind. Finn tries to formulate a rebuttal when Kurt speaks up.
“She’s right.” Kurt says with false solemnity. “How am I supposed to be an adult when I’ve missed out on one of the pivotal childhood experiences?” He turns to Finn and his eyes sparkle with secret humor. “Don’t deprive me of this, Finn. I need it. For my psychological development.”
“Okay, you’re just making fun of me now,” Carole says as Burt laughs. “You’ll pay for that,” she says with her finger pointing at Kurt, but she half-smiling, too. “But seriously, guys. I think it would be good for all of us. Indulge me a little.”
Finn looks at Kurt and hopes he’s not making it too obvious that he’ll do whatever Kurt wants. Kurt pulls a bit of a face before shrugging a shoulder and relenting, making Finn have to suppress his smile. “Okay,” Finn says. “We’re in.”
Carole’s face blooms in her excitement and it makes Finn smile to see her so happy. She starts thinking out loud to Burt about what day to go and how early they need to leave to avoid traffic, and Finn kind of tones her out. He leans over to Kurt and says, “Don’t worry about it, dude. The zoo’s totally fun. We’ll pack sandwiches and buy some of those sunscreen wipes. Everything will be cool.” Kurt looks up at Finn like Finn has surprised him somehow, and it makes Finn feel proud.
---
They leave for Columbus early the following Sunday. Burt volunteers to drive, but Carole insists that he drive her car. She tells him that it’s more comfortable and has better gas mileage, but Finn knows it’s because her car has GPS, and even though Burt doesn’t often fit the stereotype of a blue collar dad in Ohio, sometimes he does, because he will not let any human give him directions. Since Carole is the only one who has driven to the zoo before and Kurt is the only person who can get through to Burt when he’s being stubborn, they have worked out a secret signal to communicate when they’ve taken a wrong turn, so that Kurt can subtly but firmly suggest that they take directions from Vera, which is Burt’s nickname for the voice of the GPS.
According to Carole it takes an hour and a half to get to the zoo from Lima, but Finn thinks that number cannot be right. When he was a kid, the trip felt like days as he bounced in his seat, pointing at cows and spilling Goldfish crackers in the floorboards. This time the trip goes by in a flash. Burt and Carole chat in the front seat as Finn and Kurt sing along to Kurt’s iPod and point out license plates from states other than Ohio.
Kurt packs a cooler of picnic food, and even though Finn usually loves the overpriced buckets of fries that one can buy at the zoo, he’s pretty excited for Kurt’s food too. There are chicken salad sandwiches with this fancy mayonnaise that Kurt made himself and they look so good that Finn almost asks if he can have one for breakfast. They don’t want to drag the cooler through the park though, so they leave it in the car, which proves to be a mistake when Kurt catches Burt with a funnel cake. Kurt uses his patented bitchy glare to guilt Burt into giving it up, but it only causes Burt to shove pieces into his mouth as quickly as possible as he argues, “But it’s a special occasion!” Kurt goes up to Burt with his hand out, but Burt still doesn’t give it up, causing Kurt to reach for it. They both get a good hold on the plate and after a brief tug-of-war the plate tilts and jolts, getting a cloud of powdered sugar all over both of them. Kurt looks completely scandalized by the offensive layer of powder on his clothes, whereas Burt looks down at his funnel cake on the ground with lament. Finn makes a joke about how they look like tiny little yetis, which makes Kurt and Burt both shoot back a glare that is so simultaneous and identical that it kind of gives Finn the creeps.
It’s a beautiful day out so Finn is wearing a t-shirt and shorts, but of course Kurt dresses like he’s going to be the target of paparazzi. His button-down is tailored so that it shows the taper of his waist, his pants are super skinny, and the toes of his boots are kind of pointy. Finn is pretty sure if he walked all day in those boots, his feet would cry. Despite lingering powdered sugar smudges, Kurt looks amazing, and somehow his hair doesn’t even fall during the hottest part of the day when Finn can feel sweat beading down the back of his neck. Kurt tries to find a shady spot at each exhibit in which to stand, but in those few moments as they walk from one exhibit to the next, Finn marvels at how Kurt seems to outshine the sun.
Finn’s favorite section of the zoo is the African Forest region, mostly because he likes the Great Apes, which of course prompts Kurt to make a joke about Finn wanting to be near his own kind. Finn ignores it and upon seeing the signs that the region is near, he drags the group in that direction, getting impatient when his mom wants to stop along the way. Usually they stand at the exhibits and watch for a few minutes, but since it is Finn’s favorite, they all stop and sit a while to watch the Bonobo chimps.
“I saw on TV that Bonobos resolve all their problems with sex,” Finn explains. “It’s the reason they’re happy and don’t fight all the time like the other chimps.” Finn taps Kurt on the shoulder to emphasize his point. “They do gay stuff too! And have orgies.” Finn considers what the world would be like if people had sex instead of fighting and thinks that’s probably where ‘Make love, not war,’ came from. Those hippies really had it together. “That’s pretty cool.”
Kurt looks at Finn with his lips pulled in and one eyebrow arched. He replies with a noncommittal “hmm” sound and looks back to watch the Bonobos interact. Finn hopes that he’ll get to see the girl Bonobos rub genitals, because that would be sweet.
Around midday, the family makes the long walk back to the cooler for lunch and eats outside on a picnic table. Kurt says that they probably shouldn’t stay too much longer, worried about Burt getting too worn out. Burt waves him off, saying that if he gets tired he’ll take a break for a while; he doesn’t want to ruin everyone else’s fun. Carole suggests picking the exhibits that they don’t want to miss, just in case they want to leave a little early.
Finn jumps in first saying he doesn’t want the miss the Reptile Habitat and says how he and his mom should go in together for old time’s sake. Carole makes a face like she’s seen a ghost and shakes her head vigorously. “Oh no. No, no, no…” Carole grabs onto Burt’s arm and hides her face in his shirt sleeve.
Burt chuckles. “What’s all this about?”
“I had a… traumatic experience,” Carole explains.
Finn laughs. “She took me in there once when I was little. Everything was fine until we got to the King Cobra. It spread out its flaps or whatever and scared her.”
“It looked right into my eyes like it was trying to hypnotize me! It was terrifying!”
All the men laugh and Carole feigns a huff, pushing Burt hard enough by his shoulder to make him rock to the side. “Fine-make fun. But if you go in there and get your souls stolen, I’m just going to say I told you so.”
Sometime during that conversation, Kurt busts out some his heart-healthy oatmeal cookies, so when he says the exhibit he wants to see most, Finn only half-hears because his mouth is full and his eyes are rolled back in his head.
“Wait,” Finn tries to say before he swallows, “They have Hummel penguins here?”
“Humboldt penguins, Finn,” Kurt corrects.
“There are different types of penguins? Whoa.” Finn always learns awesome things at the zoo.
It turns out that the penguin enclosure is really great. Their cave looks real and the pool comes all the way up to the glass, so it’s easy to watch them swim. Finn stands close, looking down on them as they swish their tails and glide through the water. Finn turns to tell Kurt that they shimmy just like him, but when his eyes land on Kurt’s face, he looks thoughtful and kind of sad.
“Hey… what’s up? I thought the penguins were your favorite?”
Finn’s question startles Kurt out of thought. “Hmm? Oh, it’s nothing.” Finn just keeps looking and gives Kurt what he hopes is an insistent face. “It’s just… I’ve always kind of related to penguins.”
“Well no wonder, dude!” Finn exclaims as Kurt looks dubious. “Have you read the info card? It says that these guys don’t live on Antarctica with all the other penguins. They live in South America where it isn’t even cold.” Finn turns away from the glass to face Kurt. “They aren’t afraid to go their own way, even if that means that they’re on their own sometimes. So, yeah; I can see how you’d relate.”
Kurt’s face stays carefully neutral, but the moment feels heavy and hangs between them as they look into each other’s eyes. Finn feels a weird tension in his gut, but with Burt and Carole so nearby, Finn pulls away from it. He clears his throat, turns back toward the glass, and says the first thing that comes to mind. “And? They make dens from their own poop. That’s badass!”
Just like that, the tension shatters. “They live in their own filth?” Kurt replies. “That sounds more like you than me.”
“Hey!”
“Oh, don’t give me that. I’ve been in your room, Finn!”
Finn can feel his brows lower in confusion, but when Kurt grazes their shoulders together as he walks away, Finn forgets Kurt’s words in the way his nerves tingle at the sensation.
---
In one section of the park there is carnival-like area with games of skill that offer fluffy, stuffed zoo animals as prizes. Burt sees a basketball shooting game and brags a bit to Carole about how he could beat anyone in the park. Finn’s a little surprised because he’s never heard Burt talk about playing basketball before and he’s certainly never played with Finn, but maybe that’s because he doesn’t want to worry Kurt. Carole smiles sweetly up at Burt, bats her eyelashes, and suggests a face-off.
Kurt puts a hand on Finn’s arm. “Is she sure she wants to do that? It’s been a while, but I’ve seen Dad play and he’s pretty good.”
Finn feels a sly smile creep onto his face. “Oh, yeah. Mom was on the All-Ohio team in high school. She’s gonna wipe the floor with him.”
Finn and Kurt watch as Burt and Carole fight tooth-and-nail to beat each other, but they are surprisingly evenly matched. After a couple of rounds, the pair looks like they might rematch all afternoon, so Kurt drags Finn off to find their own diversion. As they walk around Finn sees a cool, western-themed shooting game that has little moving ‘varmint’ targets. Finn can’t get his money out of his pocket fast enough.
Finn tries a couple of rounds, but with ten shots he can only manage to hit a couple of targets, which isn’t enough to win a prize. He’s honestly not that concerned with the prizes-they’re mostly cheap, kid-sized cowboy hats and Sheriff Badge pins-because it’s a matter of pride.
After another two rounds, Finn is almost ready to throw the stupid fake gun. “This thing is rigged! No one can win at this.”
Kurt takes the gun gently away from Finn and lays his money smoothly on the counter of the booth. The attendant sets the game in motion again, and with seemingly little effort, Kurt manages to hit eight targets, which is enough for a top shelf prize.
“Dude,” Finn gapes. Kurt must be some sort of superhero. “Remind me to bring you along if there’s ever a zombie apocalypse.”
“As touching as it is to know that you would need to be reminded not to leave me to the zombie horde, I think I’ll pass.” Kurt flicks his head even though his hair is still perfectly styled. “You’d just slow me down.”
Finn doesn’t have time to argue his usefulness before the game attendant is showing Kurt his choice of prizes. Kurt just waves his hand palm-up over them, indicating that Finn gets to choose. There’s a shiny, six-shooter cap gun, some tie-on spurs, and ooh, a thick, distressed leather wrist cuff. The cuff fastens with two snaps and it’s not usually Kurt’s kind of thing, but Finn figures he likes taking fashion risks. Besides, Kurt would look kind of tough and amazing in it; the dark, worn leather against the flawless cream of his skin. Finn shakes himself out of that thought process and picks up the accessory. “We’ll take this one.”
Finn and Kurt clear out of the way for the next people in line and Finn holds out the prize to Kurt. Kurt shakes his head. “No, that’s yours.”
Confused, Finn argues. “But you won it, man!”
“Yes…” Kurt’s eyes dart off to Finn’s far left and then back to meet Finn’s eyes. “But I won it for you.” He points a finger. “And don’t argue! Just don’t say I never avenged your injustices.”
Finn knows that arguing with Kurt is never a good idea, so he looks at the cuff in his hand and tries to figure out how he’s going to put it on. He tries wrapping it around his left wrist but as soon as he brings one end around to meet the other, the band slips and the fasteners don’t meet.
“Here.” Kurt wraps his hand around Finn’s relaxed fist and draws it into him. He takes the cuff from the other hand, presses the leather to Finn’s skin, and snaps the fastener. It’s a tight fit so Kurt has to grip Finn’s hand firmly to turn the cuff so that the snap rests perfectly centered at the pulse point on the underside of his arm.
Finn knows how he should be feeling right now; he should feel grateful. He should be glad that his mom married Kurt’s dad, because now he has this: a brother who will step in when Finn’s in over his head; who will do what he can to soften Finn’s blows regardless of their triviality. It should be a bonding, familial moment; Finn should sling his arm around Kurt and ruffle his hair until he grimaces, but instead Finn can’t help focus on the way that Kurt’s hand is big and strong and capable, but so soft. Kurt lets Finn go with such casualness that Finn knows that if there was a moment of tension, it was his alone.
Finn opens and closes his hand as he inspects the leather band. He’s not sure he can pull it off. “What do you think? Does it make me look tough?”
When Finn looks up to meet Kurt’s eyes, Kurt’s already watching him. “’Tough’ wasn’t the word I was going to use, but… it suits you.”
For some reason, it feels like a huge validation. “Yeah?”
Kurt’s smile is soft. “Yeah.”
---
For as warm and sunny as it was at midday, the afternoon feels decidedly more spring-like when dark, ominous clouds blow in at a rapid speed. Kurt and Finn rush back to the basketball game, but Burt and Carole are no longer there. Kurt texts Carole to find her and Burt, but before he can even get the phone back in his pocket, the sky opens up. Kurt squeaks indignantly before taking off in a run with Finn trailing behind him. The best cover they can find is a tree, but water still slides off the leaves and onto their heads.
Kurt holds his hands above himself for protection and his expression is pained. Finn feels the chilled water seep through his shirt onto his shoulders, causing his core temperature to drop rapidly. It’s instinct that causes Finn to step into Kurt’s space and wrap around him until Finn’s forearms span Kurt’s back, blanketing him as best he can. Finn lays his cheek on Kurt’s hair-it’s too wet to be salvageable anyway-and with that simple movement, Finn feels Kurt freeze stiff. Suddenly Finn becomes truly aware of what’s he’s doing. The gesture had been made with complete innocence, but with Finn’s recent admission, he can imagine what Kurt is thinking and wants to kick himself.
Finn squeezes his eyes shut hard once and then opens them again, gathering the strength he needs to let Kurt go; to let him go and know that it’s his fault that expressions of affection between them will forever be stilted and questionable. Finn pulls his face back, but as he does, he can feel Kurt reanimate, lowering his arms from where they’d been hovering strangely in the air at his sides. Kurt loops his arms around Finn’s middle, the loose circle of his arms resting in the small of Finn’s back. They’re pressed tightly enough together than Finn can feel when Kurt relaxes and exhales.
Finn’s heart races as he and Kurt stand perfectly still under that tree as the summer storm rages. If he’s honest Finn doesn’t even feel the rain anymore because all his senses are focused on every miniscule movement of the person in his arms. Finn thinks that if it is still raining, the drops probably turn immediately to vapor upon contact with his suddenly overheated skin.
When Kurt’s phone chimes, Finn loosens his hold on Kurt and steps back, allowing Kurt to pull the phone from the confines of his pants pocket. The noise signals a text from Carole who directs them to meet her and Burt at the entrance. Finn reads the message over Kurt’s shoulder, but it’s mostly an excuse to stand within the corona of Kurt’s body heat.
It’s still raining when the family piles back into the car. All four of them are soaking wet and shivering, but are no worse for wear. Kurt grimaces as he touches the hair that lays flat and sticks to his forehead. When their eyes meet, Finn shakes his hair out like a dog, and Kurt’s resulting look of horror and disbelief makes Finn feel warm again.
“Well, that’ll wake ya up in the mornin’!” Burt declares as he pulls his wet cap off of his head.
“This was not in the weather report,” Carole laments as she digs in her purse for a pack of tissues. “What exactly do meteorologists get paid for, anyway? If I were wrong as often as they are in my job…”
“Babe…” Burt soothes.
“Yeah, yeah; I know. I’m just disappointed our day got cut short. I was hoping we could all ride the carousel and I could take some pictures.”
Burt pets her arm. “Sorry, honey. I promise that the next time I ride a tiger wearing a saddle, I’ll make sure you’re there to record the whole thing.” Carole lowers her brow at him, so Burt pulls her toward him and kisses her hair. “Seriously though? Today was great; it couldn’t have been any better! Right, guys?”
Finn and Kurt are quick to agree, and Carole seems placated. She changes the subject by trying to give Burt advice about the best route to the highway, saying that she knows a shortcut. Burt predictably refuses that he needs help, and their banter turns into white noise in Finn’s ears. He ignores them and turns to Kurt. Kurt, who is wet and miserable but still thanks Carole for taking him to the zoo; who sings like his whole soul is coming out of his body; who can balance chemical equations and cook like an Iron Chef and shoot like that lady in Annie Get Your Gun. Kurt, who sits in the seat across from him, close and pliant enough to touch and yet completely unattainable. Finn leans over, speaking lowly. “Did you have a good time? Even though it got all wet and gross?”
Kurt turns his head sharply, distracted from his task of trying to dry off his phone with the tissues from Carol’s purse. He smiles without teeth, but it’s warm. “It’s not something I would normally do, but… it had its merits.”
Finn nods in relief and sits back in his seat. Burt successfully enters the highway-with or without Carole’s aid Finn doesn’t know-and everyone stays quiet for several miles, listening to the hum of tires on asphalt. Finn reflects for a while before suddenly leaning forward and asking, “So… who won the Basketball Wars?”
---
After their trip to the zoo, Finn is more tragically in love with Kurt than ever. It’s getting really bad too; sometimes his teachers catch him daydreaming about romantic musical numbers, his chin in his hand and his eyes anywhere but at the chalkboard. Nevertheless Finn tries his best to be as brotherly and not-weird as possible, and he can see that Kurt is doing the same. It would be easy for Kurt to avoid Finn, but he doesn’t. In fact he appears to do everything he can to make Finn feel comfortable, like everything is normal between them, and the gesture makes Finn ache. So while he doesn’t draw attention to his feelings for Kurt, he wouldn’t deny them either, not if someone asked. Maybe he shouldn’t do it, but Finn can’t resist but wear his leather cuff every day; sometimes he even sleeps in it if he forgets to take it off. He knows Kurt notices-Kurt notices everything about what people wear-but he never mentions it.
One Monday afternoon Finn watches television in the living room after school. The weather is getting pretty warm, so Finn really wishes he could take his pants off, but Kurt is due home any minute and he does not appreciate finding Finn in his underwear on the “communal furniture.” Finn thinks that after his confession, Kurt would probably appreciate it even less.
When Kurt arrives, he slips in the door and closes it softly behind him. It’s not typical for him; Kurt likes to make an entrance and usually sweeps in like a gale wind. He’s holding a Lima Bean to-go cup, which usually means he’s been with Blaine, but the exhausted look on his face says otherwise.
“Hey,” Finn greets him gently, his upper body turned and focused on Kurt, who startles like he didn’t expect anyone to be there. Kurt hesitates, glancing up the stairs, but then moves around to the front of the couch, sets down his cup and his keys, and sits gracelessly on the opposite end of the sofa.
“Hello,” Kurt says softly. He sits facing the television which currently plays Wizards of Waverly Place, a show that usually makes Kurt sigh in derision. Kurt says nothing.
“Dude,” Finn exclaims as he studies Kurt closely. He’s slouching. “Are you alright?”
“I had a shitty day.” Kurt lays his head on the back of the couch to look at the ceiling. “A shitty, shitty day.”
“Whoa. I’ve never heard you curse before.” Finn is a little bit startled by it. The truth is that the scandal of it would probably turn him on if Kurt weren’t so visibly miserable.
“That’s because it’s crass; but at the moment, I really don’t care.”
“What’s up, man?” Finn stretches his leg and nudges the side of Kurt’s foot with his toes. It’s a testament to Kurt’s mood that he doesn’t jump down Finn’s throat for not respecting his shoes.
Kurt tilts his head to the side to look at Finn. Kurt scans his face, so Finn tries to look as helpful and supportive as possible. Finn expects to see resistance in Kurt’s expression, but he must be too drained because it isn’t there. “I got in a fight with Blaine.”
Finn’s eyebrows shoot up. “You fought with Blaine? You guys never fight!”
“Okay, it wasn’t so much of a fight as… I upset him. We met up after school and we were talking about… some things. I didn’t mean to-I hate hurting him-and now I feel…” Kurt huffs a breath and doesn’t finish his sentence. It isn’t like Kurt to not have the words.
Finn waits until he’s sure Kurt isn’t going to continue. “Do you wanna talk about it?” Finn slides a little closer to Kurt on the couch, just enough to be able to lay his arm along the backrest and reach Kurt’s shoulder with the tips of his fingers.
Kurt shakes his head. “Not really.” He looks at Finn and smiles briefly, but his eyes remain sad. “We’ll be fine, you know. Sometimes we get upset, but we always work it out.”
Finn just nods. “Anything I can do?”
Kurt looks into Finn’s eyes; it’s a heavy look.
Finn smiles reassuringly at Kurt. “Seriously, dude. Whatever you need, you know I’m here for you.” He nudges the curve of Kurt’s shoulder with the pads of his fingers and hopes it feels friendly.
Kurt considers Finn’s offer for what feels like a long time. He must come to a decision, because the lines around Kurt’s eyes relax and smooth as he gestures to the void underneath Finn’s arm. Despite the strength of Kurt’s voice, Finn still thinks he sounds unsure. “Can I just…”
Kurt scoots closer to Finn, his eyes on Finn’s body instead of his face. When Finn comprehends what Kurt is doing, he freezes for a second before realizing he should probably do something. He scrambles to get closer to Kurt, to meet him halfway. His movements are jerky and he winds up jostling Kurt when he knocks their sides together with more force than can be described as smooth. Kurt huffs a laugh though, and for the first time since he arrived home, he looks like he doesn’t want to crawl in a hole.
Kurt leans back to rest his weight on Finn’s outstretched arm, leaving Finn’s hand sticking out awkwardly in the air. They sit with a stillness that makes the motion of their breathing seem dramatic as Finn waits for the strangeness to pass. Finn feels Kurt shift his weight and expects for Kurt to get up and leave, saying that it’s too weird; that he gave it a shot and Finn isn’t what he needs. Instead Kurt shifts his hips forward so that his shoulder can tuck underneath Finn’s, allowing his head to rest on the side of Finn’s chest and making it rise and lower slightly with Finn’s every inhale and exhale. The two sit together, the Disney Channel the only sound in the room, until Carole flings the front door open and tells Finn without looking at him to put his pants on because she’s taking them out to Breadstix.
---
Finn digs in his locker one day after lunch when Rachel strides right up to him with a resolved look on her face. Finn is startled; since their break-up Finn and Rachel have relegated their communication to texting, Twitter, and the occasionally Glee member go-between. If she’s coming to him now, something serious must be up.
“Rachel!” Finn knows his surprise and worry is all over his face. “Is everything okay? Oh god, is it your dad?”
Rachel looks taken aback. “My dad? Why would something be wrong with my dad?”
“Remember that time we were in your basement? And you and your dads were teaching me how to express the drama of the music with my body or whatever and I kinda punched him in the head? I know he said he was fine, but I saw this special on TLC about freak medical conditions-”
Rachel interrupts him with a no-nonsense tone and a stop-in-the-name-of-love hand. “My dads are fine, Finn. That was four months ago! If there were anything wrong with him, certainly we would know by now.”
Finn jabs his index finger into the air for emphasis. “That’s what the man on TLC thought!”
Rachel ignores his point and steps far enough into his personal space that she has to crane her neck up to look to meet his eyes. “Finn, I’m here because I want to talk about us.” She looks down at her hand as she runs the fabric of Finn’s shirt sleeve between her fingers, lifting a shoulder and confessing in her softest, most coaxing voice, “I miss you.” She looks back up at him from under her eyelashes. “I know you miss me, too. I was wrong to let you go, and I’m big enough to admit that now. I think we should talk about a reconciliation. Can I come over to your house after Glee?”
Finn gapes for a moment. “I don’t really think that’s a good idea.”
Rachel blinks in surprise. “Please? I know we have a lot to resolve, but I’m willing to do what it takes to make this up to you.” Her voice is tender yet manic. She’s in pain. “Please, Finn.”
The bell rings. He’s going to be late for English again. Finn reluctantly acquiesces in his rush to get to class, and Rachel walks away, her face full of hope and her steps full of purpose.
Glee isn’t very productive. Nationals are coming up soon, but instead of rehearsing, the entire club takes turns singing about whatever is bothering them. Rachel doesn’t complain, Finn realizes, only because she has the intention of doing the same thing. She makes sure she sings last, having explained once to Finn how being the finale makes sure her performance has the greatest emotional impact. She belts out “When You’re Gone” by Avril Lavigne and she’s stunning. Finn knows the song is for show, but she really means it too, which is the sincerest expression Rachel knows. She’s as beautiful as ever, her presence a force; she’s his first love and she’s hurting. Finn wants to make it better, wants to help her, but he doesn’t want her, not anymore.
As Rachel closes her eyes to sing the bridge, Finn glances over at Kurt. He’s not attentively watching the performance as he typically would. His arms are crossed tightly and tucked into his body, his shoulders slumped and his eyes cast down to the ground. Finn’s seen that expression on Kurt before, and it makes Finn’s stomach clench at the memory. Finn looks back at Rachel just in time to see her open her eyes and sing the final chorus directly to him.
Rachel insists on riding home with him and he can’t bear to refuse. They wait for Kurt at the door to the choir room-he rode to school with Finn that morning-but Kurt tells them to go on without him. Finn wants to reach out to Kurt; to take hold of his arm and tell him that he needs him for this. Finn wants to pull him aside, ask for his help, and tell him that just knowing Kurt is in the house will make Finn stronger, but Sugar strolls up and links arms with Kurt instead, announcing that she wants to buy Kurt things to cheer him up because he looks as sad as the kittens in those Sarah McLachlan commercials. Kurt feigns a smile-even though it’s not really funny and Finn’s not sure it was a joke anyway-and carefully avoids Finn’s eyes. Finn watches Sugar lead him away until Rachel takes his hand and pulls him in the direction of the parking lot.
No one is home when they arrive, so when Rachel suggests they go up to Finn’s room, Finn instead leads her to the den. Rachel talks for a long time, laying out for Finn all the reasons they should be together. She presents them to him like it’s an argument she’s trying to win, like the reason they should be together is a matter of sense. When Finn stands and paces, and it is clear to her that her argument isn’t working, she begins to cry and tells Finn that when she sees her future-wherever and whoever she will be-she sees it with him. He believes her; he can tell when Rachel is being disingenuous and when she isn’t. He can see grief and regret all over her and he can’t stand it, so he gathers her up in his arms, comforting her and breathing platitudes into her hair as she settles.
When she stops crying, she pulls back and looks up into his eyes, her eyelids discolored and puffy. In that moment, she’s the most sincere he’s ever seen her. She smiles and thinks she’s won, so Finn makes his intentions clear. He moves away from her, but continues holding her shoulders in his hands. He apologizes and means it, telling her that there is no chance for them now. Her face crumples again, but Finn continues despite the pangs in his heart. She asks why, begging and pleading, demanding an explanation. Finn knows the real reason, but Rachel isn’t who he’s loyal to anymore, so he doesn’t answer. Instead he consoles her, saying it isn’t her fault; that she was right when she ended their relationship. He assures her that she’ll find someone who is right for her and that she will always hold a place in his heart.
Rachel eventually cries herself out, sitting still and numb. When she’s ready Finn guides her to his truck and drives her home, walking her to her door and kissing her goodbye. It feels like an ending. Their story is over now, and if this were a movie, the credits would be rolling with a sad song dubbed over them. This is real life though, so Finn knows that he’ll keep going and the rock in his stomach will eventually dissipate.
Finn walks in his front door, throws his keys down, and rubs his temples as he considers taking a nap on the couch. When he enters the living room though, he almost runs into Kurt who halts mid-stride with a glass of water in his hand. The sight of him makes the tension and exhaustion in Finn’s shoulders dissipate a little. Finn exhales, “You’re back.”
Kurt looks around the room before meeting Finn’s eyes and pulling one side of his mouth up in a sick, mock smile. “I do live here, Finn. Sorry if I’m in your way.”
The coldness in Kurt’s voice strikes Finn like a punch to the gut. “What? No, that’s not… I just meant-”
Kurt continues on like a bulldozer. “I suppose some congratulations are in order. Glee’s most privileged power couple is back together! I’m sure Mr. Schue will celebrate by giving the two of you yet another duet at Nationals.” Kurt storms away, body checking Finn with a shoulder in his haste to get past him.
Finn catches and holds Kurt by the elbow, his mind racing to catch up. “Wait! Just wait a minute.” Kurt turns around and the look on his face gives Finn chills. “We’re not together.” He shakes his head, desperate for Kurt to understand. “We’re not… and we’re not going to be.”
Kurt seethes hard enough that Finn can see his chest move with breath. The ire in his voice wanes slightly, but his posture remains board-straight. “Why not?”
Finn guides Kurt forward until Kurt can’t help but take one step closer, until he’s close enough that Finn can smell the product in his hair. Finn’s voice drops in volume involuntarily. “You know why. I told you why.” Kurt inspects Finn’s face, his chest slowing, but still heaving. “I know I haven’t mentioned it, not since that day in the kitchen, but that’s because I didn’t want you to feel weird or… pressured or something. So I’m going to tell you now, but I’ll never mention again, not if you don’t want me to.”
Finn takes a half-step forward, closing the distance between them so that their torsos are parallel and so, so close. Kurt’s eyebrows are drawn and his neck is tilted back, but he doesn’t step away. Finn’s hand still grips Kurt’s elbow, so he relaxes it and dares to run it slowly up Kurt’s arm and over his shoulder until his fingers inadvertently graze Kurt’s neck. Kurt’s lips part.
“Kurt,” Finn sighs, near enough that Kurt must feel his breath. “You’ve gotta know that I-”
The sound of the key in the door is so loud and unwelcome that it genuinely startles Finn. Kurt jumps away from Finn and freezes, but they are both still tellingly close. Burt throws the door open, greeting Finn and Kurt before slowing his movements and looking between the two of them with narrowed eyes.
“I have homework,” Kurt says in a rush before uncharacteristically barreling up the stairs. It would be funny if Finn’s heart weren’t beating so hard.
Burt watches Kurt run up the stairs before turning back to Finn. He walks toward him, and Finn momentarily worries about what is going to happen, but as he walks past Finn to enter the kitchen, he hesitates in front of him just long enough to go, “Mm hmm.” Finn lets out his breath in a rush.
---
The next few days are an exercise in torture. Finn felt something that night with Kurt, something crackling and tense, and he’s pretty sure it wasn’t just on his side. Despite seeing Kurt every day, it never feels like the right time to bring it up again or pick up where they left off. Over the next week, Kurt meets up with Blaine a couple of times after school and Finn hangs out with the guys on the weekend. When they’re both at home, Burt and Carole are too, and the situation seems too delicate to risk being interrupted again. The tone of their interactions, as brief as they may be, are different now. When Kurt catches Finn looking a little too long, Finn doesn’t bother trying to hide it anymore.
Late one evening, Finn sits at his laptop in his room. He is supposed to be writing an essay for English, but instead he’s surfing the Net. He thinks to himself that the only time he ever surfs the Net is when he’s supposed to be doing school work. He hears a knock at his door.
“It’s open,” Finn replies. He looks over to his door just in time to see Kurt enter, close the door softly behind him, and walk to the center of the empty floor space. Finn can’t contain his pleasure and smiles without reserve. “Hey, man! How was-”
“Blaine kissed me today.” Kurt stands tall and still with his hands clasped, watching Finn intently and waiting, his face neutral. To an outsider it might seem like Kurt has no opinion on the idea at all.
“Oh,” Finn breathes. Just like that, Finn can feel every inch of ground that he and Kurt have made crumble out from under them. Finn takes a moment to gather his strength and forces a smile. “That’s great… right? It’s what you’ve been waiting for.” Finn stands up, coming face-to-face with Kurt. “I’m happy for you.”
Kurt tilts his face up to maintain eye contact. He still looks like he’s waiting for something.
Finn throws caution to the wind and hugs Kurt, Finn’s body weight hitting him with more force than he means. It either knocks the wind out of Kurt or he gasps; Finn can’t really tell. Finn holds Kurt-clings to him if he’s honest-bent over and pressing his face into Kurt’s neck. He’s soaking him up. It’s pathetic, and he knows it, but he has no pride anymore; not with Kurt. If this is all he gets, then he’s going to take it.
Time passes and Kurt pulls back, gently pushing Finn away. When he does, his cheeks are wet and his eyes are red. He’s crying.
“Whoa.” Finn holds his hands out like he’s trying to stop the room from spinning. “Okay, apparently I’m missing something.”
“Why did you have to do this?” Kurt’s voice wavers with such emotion Finn feels it in his gut.
Finn searches his mind for an explanation. He doesn’t come up with anything. “I don’t know what you mean.”
Kurt throws up his hands and turns for the door. Instead of leaving though, he spins back on Finn, gesturing wildly. “You screwed me all up, that’s what you did! Today should be the happiest day of my life, and now…”
Finn waits. Whatever Kurt is going to say next is important, and his pulse races at the knowledge.
Kurt doesn’t continue though. He just stands there looking wrecked, his face streaked with color and salt. He looks so young. “I’m sorry,” Kurt barely whispers. “I shouldn’t have… I’m sorry.” Kurt turns quickly and rushes for the door closing it swiftly behind him. Finn considers chasing him but is too stunned to move. Finn stares at the closed door for a long time.
---
Hours and one really awkward dinner later, Finn lies on his bed staring at the ceiling. It’s times like these he wishes he had a poster up there; at least it would give him something to look at while he torments himself. Generally Finn can fall asleep standing up-sometimes while in the shower with the water running-but when he closes his eyes this night his mind screams, so he keeps them open. It won’t be the first time he’s lost sleep over Kurt.
Finn startles as he hears his door open loudly in the silent stillness of the dark house. He sits up reflexively and instantly wonders where his baseball bat is.
“I want to have sex, Finn.”
It’s Kurt… not a burglar or home invader or anything. Finn’s panic begins to subside, until Finn realizes what Kurt has just said.
Finn’s eyes go wide. He looks around the room for creepy clowns or something else that would indicate that this is a dream. “Right now?” Finn asks, pointing down to the floor to punctuate his thought.
Finn can see Kurt roll his eyes in the low light from his bedside lamp. “No, not right now. But someday!” He walks up to the side of the bed, right up into Finn’s personal space, challenging him. “I want a real relationship. One with all the bells and whistles. I want love and romance and, yes, sex. I want a boyfriend who wants me, Finn… Not one who thinks that they can if they try hard enough.” Kurt’s resolve strengthens. “It’s what I deserve.”
“Is that what you’re worried about? That I don’t want you?” Finn tips his chin to meet Kurt’s eyes. He’s so close.
“You like girls, Finn. Lots of them. And it’s…” Kurt sighs. “It’s fine! You like what you like, and that’s fine. You’re confused right now, and that’s okay too, but… I can’t do this. I can’t be your experiment. I’m sorry.”
The confession hurts like a physical blow. Finn watches Kurt as he stands at the edge of Finn’s bed asserting himself, and Finn wants to touch him. He wants to comfort him and hold him and get his hands in his hair. He wants to pull Kurt into his bed and feel him against his body until his rigid posture softens and they mold to each other. If that isn’t wanting Kurt, then what the hell is it?
“Kurt.” Finn tries to say more, but he isn’t sure what to say. He reaches out with his left hand and pulls Kurt’s right arm away from his body where he has his arms crossed defensively. The touch starts at the elbow, but as Kurt relaxes his arm down to his side, Finn softly grasps it. His hand wraps around Kurt’s forearm, but not all the way. Kurt is thicker and sturdier than people give him credit for, and Finn thinks that Kurt needs someone to notice these kinds of things about him, things that most people don’t see. Finn wants to be that person. His hand slides down Kurt’s arm to his open, relaxed hand and grasps it. Kurt doesn’t immediately react; his hand remaining loose as Finn holds it. When Finn finally feels Kurt’s fingers twitch and his fist close firmly, Kurt’s eyes are closed and he exhales slowly. It’s shaky. Kurt’s whole body is shaky.
Suddenly, something is very clear. Kurt is scared. He’s terrified. Finn realizes that there’s no real reason for Kurt to be here right now; he doesn’t owe Finn anything. He didn’t have to tell Finn about kissing Blaine and yet here he stands, open and vulnerable and not bothering to hide it.
Finn understands that Kurt needs something from him, and the thought spurs Finn to start talking without plan or preamble. “I know this is scary. It is for me, too. I don’t know what I’m doing here either.” Finn looks down and shakes his head a little. He squeezes Kurt’s warm, broad hand in his and continues, looking up again. “I can’t promise you that I’ll be exactly what you need, or what you deserve. Not because you’re a dude, but because… that’s what relationships are. You never know until you try it out, right? And I want to try, Kurt. I’ll try so hard." He knows he’s probably clasping Kurt’s hand too firmly, but he is kind of afraid that if he doesn’t, Kurt will slip away, out of his grip and out the door. If Finn’s going to be rejected, he at least wants to hear it directly, right now. He opens his eyes again to see Kurt staring at him intensely. He looks like he’s going to cry again.
“Kurt? Oh god, don’t cry!” Finn uses his free hand to pat and rub Kurt’s upper left arm. “Just say something, okay? You’re freaking me-”
Suddenly, Kurt yanks his hand free from Finn’s grasp. Before Finn can question it Kurt leans over, takes Finn’s face in his hands, and kisses him. Finn is stunned still, and by the time he realizes that he should be kissing back, Kurt has already pulled away. Finn’s body leans involuntarily forward, searching Kurt out, but Kurt’s gentle hold steadies him. Kurt looks uncertain, his eyes flicking back and forth between Finn’s when he whispers, “…okay?”
Finn can’t keep the awe off of his face. “Yeah. Yes.”
Finn pulls Kurt back down slowly to give him a chance to pull away, but Kurt flows to him like water. Finn doesn’t waste the opportunity; he feels the strong cut of Kurt’s jaw on his over-sensitive fingertips and brings their lips together. Finn has to tilt his head back and bare his throat to reach.
Finn wonders if he should try to prove something with this kiss. He wants Kurt to feels his love, his frustration, his need until Kurt is as screwed up and off-balance as Finn has been these past months. Kurt doesn’t give him the chance, though. Kurt really kisses him; he draws Finn into his arms, encompassing him, overwhelming him until Finn forgets that he has any agenda at all. Finn gets swept up in him, in Kurt, giving and taking and being taken.
It’s instinctual for Finn to scoot back farther onto his bed. He doesn’t mean anything by it; he just suddenly remembers that Kurt is still upright, which seems both unfair and impossible because if Kurt’s legs feel anything like Finn’s do, he has no business relying on them. Kurt follows Finn, mouth-to-mouth, until his knees dig into the edge of the mattress and hold his weight. He leans forward as far as he can, still following Finn with his torso but leaving his feet planted firmly on the floor. When Finn pulls back too far for Kurt to reach, the kiss breaks and leaves the two gasping and staring, mingling their breaths together.
Finn immediately and wordlessly takes Kurt’s hand again and pulls it gently toward him, coaxing. He doesn’t think at all; he relies on his feelings only, every part of his body telling him that Kurt is too far away and that they’ve spent too much time being apart already. Kurt leans back, pulls his hand from Finn’s, and shakes his head in quick, violent motions.
“Hey, no…” Finn crawls forward again, holding his hand out to Kurt, but afraid that a touch would further spook him. “I wasn’t… I didn’t mean it like that. I wasn’t expecting…”
Kurt breathes out air that he may have been holding. “No, I know. It’s fine.” He smiles weakly. He’s trying to reassure Finn, and it makes Finn’s chest feel like it could burst. “It’s just… when I walked in here, I wasn’t expecting this to happen. I hadn’t even considered that it might happen. I was planning to draw a line and to stand behind it.”
Finn’s not exactly sure what Kurt means by that, but he can guess. “And now?”
Kurt looks to the ceiling and throws his hands up dramatically. “I don’t know! This isn’t exactly how I imagined this going.” He’s speaking loudly and with force, and it makes Finn smile to himself. In this moment Kurt is big and theatrical, which means he’s at ease. They just kissed, and Kurt is more himself with Finn than he’s been in weeks.
“It’s late,” Kurt says unexpectedly, as if it’s suddenly become late and it wasn’t a second before. “I should call Blaine. I’m sure he’s waiting on me to exfoliate.”
Finn laughs more than it requires; he just feels so good. “Yeah, man. Of course.”
Kurt turns towards the door but stops short, hesitating before turning back to Finn. He walks back to the edge of the bed and leans into Finn’s space. Finn just waits, motionless and hopeful, his chin tilted up again as Kurt leans in and kisses Finn with sweet, light pressure on his mouth. “Goodnight, Finn.” It’s almost a whisper.
Kurt slips out of the room without a sound, and suddenly everything in Finn that was keeping him upright evaporates as his back falls onto his mattress. Now that Kurt’s gone, Finn’s room seems still and dim and about twenty degrees colder. Finn shimmies up to his pillow and uses his toes to dig his legs under the disturbed covers. He knows that Kurt is nearby, just on the other side of the wall behind Finn’s headboard. Lately that thought has confused and unsettled him, but it’s different now. He’s still unsettled, but now it’s because his skin is humming and he’s hyperaware it's need. It feels good. Finn’s body is in turmoil, but his mind finds peace, and he falls asleep mere seconds after his head meets the pillow.
Part Three
Masterpost
The rest of the weekend goes by in a blur. Blaine eventually goes back home, but not before hugging Kurt goodbye for a long time. Kurt doesn’t reach out to contact Finn in any way, so Finn doesn’t push him. They spend their weekend actively separated from each other, but when they happen to find themselves in the same room, Finn sneaks glances at Kurt. He doesn’t mean it in a creepy way; he’s watching for signs that he is unwelcome or making Kurt uncomfortable. Whenever Finn looks though, Kurt’s eyes are anywhere but at Finn, and his expression is inscrutable. Sometimes when he isn’t paying attention, he thinks he feels Kurt’s eyes on him, but Finn never actually catches him looking.
Days go by, and with every awkward interaction he has with Kurt, Finn feels guiltier. He tries to come up with something he can do to make things less weird but keeps coming up blank, so when his mom suggests a day at the zoo, Finn tries not to sound too excited.
“What do you think, my boys? A day at the zoo… soaking up sunshine, eating junk food? It’ll be great!” Finn can see Kurt wince from the corner of his eye; he knows that if there are two things that will dissuade Kurt from doing something, they’re UV exposure and empty calories. Kurt gets this pained look on his face; it’s the same one he gets when Rachel is on one of her diatribes.
Finn can’t help but think that a family outing could be exactly what he is looking for to put Kurt as ease again. Not to mention that Finn loves the zoo with an enthusiasm that is only acceptable in kids too small to ride the carousel. His mom used to take him all the time when he was little; it was usually a reward for something good, so he has all these positive associations with the activity. His mom even made the car trip fun by teaching Finn how to play license plate games. The trip could be the answer to Finn’s prayers, but Kurt’s wearing that look, so Finn doesn’t deliberate long on what he’s going to do.
“Mom… it’s cool that you want to have a family day, but maybe we can do something else?” Finn uses his bashful face and tries to sound innocent. It usually works to get what he wants from his mom. He gestures between himself and Kurt. “We’ve got homework and Glee and stuff. Plus it’s a long drive. Can’t we just stay around here? We can have a picnic in the backyard or something.”
“Oh come on! Are you saying you’re too cool to be seen with your mother?” Carole straightens Finn’s shirt collar and pouts. She knows what face to use against him too. “You used to love it.”
“What’s all this?” Burt asks as he enters the room. “We havin’ a picnic?”
Burt crosses over to Carole, puts his arm around her waist, and pulls her into his side. “I was just trying to convince the boys to go to the zoo for the day,” Carole explains. “I thought it would be fun.” She tilts her head back to look at Finn and Kurt who stand beside each other like a united front. “You two have been acting so serious lately. I know that you’re seniors this year and you’ve got a lot going on, but that’s exactly why you need this!” She makes eye contact with both of them in turn, her face hopeful.
“The zoo, huh? Sounds pretty great to me. I don’t think Kurt and I have ever been to the one here.” He looks to Kurt to confirm.
Kurt shakes his head. “No. I was always really susceptible to animal dander as a child. We didn’t want to risk it.”
“Well!” Carole’s eyes light up; Finn has seen this look before, and it’s trouble. “Do you hear that, Finn? Kurt’s never been. Do you really think he should go out into the big world without ever having been to the zoo? It’s criminal!”
Finn rolls his eyes, just a little. When his mom gets like this, there is no changing her mind. Finn tries to formulate a rebuttal when Kurt speaks up.
“She’s right.” Kurt says with false solemnity. “How am I supposed to be an adult when I’ve missed out on one of the pivotal childhood experiences?” He turns to Finn and his eyes sparkle with secret humor. “Don’t deprive me of this, Finn. I need it. For my psychological development.”
“Okay, you’re just making fun of me now,” Carole says as Burt laughs. “You’ll pay for that,” she says with her finger pointing at Kurt, but she half-smiling, too. “But seriously, guys. I think it would be good for all of us. Indulge me a little.”
Finn looks at Kurt and hopes he’s not making it too obvious that he’ll do whatever Kurt wants. Kurt pulls a bit of a face before shrugging a shoulder and relenting, making Finn have to suppress his smile. “Okay,” Finn says. “We’re in.”
Carole’s face blooms in her excitement and it makes Finn smile to see her so happy. She starts thinking out loud to Burt about what day to go and how early they need to leave to avoid traffic, and Finn kind of tones her out. He leans over to Kurt and says, “Don’t worry about it, dude. The zoo’s totally fun. We’ll pack sandwiches and buy some of those sunscreen wipes. Everything will be cool.” Kurt looks up at Finn like Finn has surprised him somehow, and it makes Finn feel proud.
---
They leave for Columbus early the following Sunday. Burt volunteers to drive, but Carole insists that he drive her car. She tells him that it’s more comfortable and has better gas mileage, but Finn knows it’s because her car has GPS, and even though Burt doesn’t often fit the stereotype of a blue collar dad in Ohio, sometimes he does, because he will not let any human give him directions. Since Carole is the only one who has driven to the zoo before and Kurt is the only person who can get through to Burt when he’s being stubborn, they have worked out a secret signal to communicate when they’ve taken a wrong turn, so that Kurt can subtly but firmly suggest that they take directions from Vera, which is Burt’s nickname for the voice of the GPS.
According to Carole it takes an hour and a half to get to the zoo from Lima, but Finn thinks that number cannot be right. When he was a kid, the trip felt like days as he bounced in his seat, pointing at cows and spilling Goldfish crackers in the floorboards. This time the trip goes by in a flash. Burt and Carole chat in the front seat as Finn and Kurt sing along to Kurt’s iPod and point out license plates from states other than Ohio.
Kurt packs a cooler of picnic food, and even though Finn usually loves the overpriced buckets of fries that one can buy at the zoo, he’s pretty excited for Kurt’s food too. There are chicken salad sandwiches with this fancy mayonnaise that Kurt made himself and they look so good that Finn almost asks if he can have one for breakfast. They don’t want to drag the cooler through the park though, so they leave it in the car, which proves to be a mistake when Kurt catches Burt with a funnel cake. Kurt uses his patented bitchy glare to guilt Burt into giving it up, but it only causes Burt to shove pieces into his mouth as quickly as possible as he argues, “But it’s a special occasion!” Kurt goes up to Burt with his hand out, but Burt still doesn’t give it up, causing Kurt to reach for it. They both get a good hold on the plate and after a brief tug-of-war the plate tilts and jolts, getting a cloud of powdered sugar all over both of them. Kurt looks completely scandalized by the offensive layer of powder on his clothes, whereas Burt looks down at his funnel cake on the ground with lament. Finn makes a joke about how they look like tiny little yetis, which makes Kurt and Burt both shoot back a glare that is so simultaneous and identical that it kind of gives Finn the creeps.
It’s a beautiful day out so Finn is wearing a t-shirt and shorts, but of course Kurt dresses like he’s going to be the target of paparazzi. His button-down is tailored so that it shows the taper of his waist, his pants are super skinny, and the toes of his boots are kind of pointy. Finn is pretty sure if he walked all day in those boots, his feet would cry. Despite lingering powdered sugar smudges, Kurt looks amazing, and somehow his hair doesn’t even fall during the hottest part of the day when Finn can feel sweat beading down the back of his neck. Kurt tries to find a shady spot at each exhibit in which to stand, but in those few moments as they walk from one exhibit to the next, Finn marvels at how Kurt seems to outshine the sun.
Finn’s favorite section of the zoo is the African Forest region, mostly because he likes the Great Apes, which of course prompts Kurt to make a joke about Finn wanting to be near his own kind. Finn ignores it and upon seeing the signs that the region is near, he drags the group in that direction, getting impatient when his mom wants to stop along the way. Usually they stand at the exhibits and watch for a few minutes, but since it is Finn’s favorite, they all stop and sit a while to watch the Bonobo chimps.
“I saw on TV that Bonobos resolve all their problems with sex,” Finn explains. “It’s the reason they’re happy and don’t fight all the time like the other chimps.” Finn taps Kurt on the shoulder to emphasize his point. “They do gay stuff too! And have orgies.” Finn considers what the world would be like if people had sex instead of fighting and thinks that’s probably where ‘Make love, not war,’ came from. Those hippies really had it together. “That’s pretty cool.”
Kurt looks at Finn with his lips pulled in and one eyebrow arched. He replies with a noncommittal “hmm” sound and looks back to watch the Bonobos interact. Finn hopes that he’ll get to see the girl Bonobos rub genitals, because that would be sweet.
Around midday, the family makes the long walk back to the cooler for lunch and eats outside on a picnic table. Kurt says that they probably shouldn’t stay too much longer, worried about Burt getting too worn out. Burt waves him off, saying that if he gets tired he’ll take a break for a while; he doesn’t want to ruin everyone else’s fun. Carole suggests picking the exhibits that they don’t want to miss, just in case they want to leave a little early.
Finn jumps in first saying he doesn’t want the miss the Reptile Habitat and says how he and his mom should go in together for old time’s sake. Carole makes a face like she’s seen a ghost and shakes her head vigorously. “Oh no. No, no, no…” Carole grabs onto Burt’s arm and hides her face in his shirt sleeve.
Burt chuckles. “What’s all this about?”
“I had a… traumatic experience,” Carole explains.
Finn laughs. “She took me in there once when I was little. Everything was fine until we got to the King Cobra. It spread out its flaps or whatever and scared her.”
“It looked right into my eyes like it was trying to hypnotize me! It was terrifying!”
All the men laugh and Carole feigns a huff, pushing Burt hard enough by his shoulder to make him rock to the side. “Fine-make fun. But if you go in there and get your souls stolen, I’m just going to say I told you so.”
Sometime during that conversation, Kurt busts out some his heart-healthy oatmeal cookies, so when he says the exhibit he wants to see most, Finn only half-hears because his mouth is full and his eyes are rolled back in his head.
“Wait,” Finn tries to say before he swallows, “They have Hummel penguins here?”
“Humboldt penguins, Finn,” Kurt corrects.
“There are different types of penguins? Whoa.” Finn always learns awesome things at the zoo.
It turns out that the penguin enclosure is really great. Their cave looks real and the pool comes all the way up to the glass, so it’s easy to watch them swim. Finn stands close, looking down on them as they swish their tails and glide through the water. Finn turns to tell Kurt that they shimmy just like him, but when his eyes land on Kurt’s face, he looks thoughtful and kind of sad.
“Hey… what’s up? I thought the penguins were your favorite?”
Finn’s question startles Kurt out of thought. “Hmm? Oh, it’s nothing.” Finn just keeps looking and gives Kurt what he hopes is an insistent face. “It’s just… I’ve always kind of related to penguins.”
“Well no wonder, dude!” Finn exclaims as Kurt looks dubious. “Have you read the info card? It says that these guys don’t live on Antarctica with all the other penguins. They live in South America where it isn’t even cold.” Finn turns away from the glass to face Kurt. “They aren’t afraid to go their own way, even if that means that they’re on their own sometimes. So, yeah; I can see how you’d relate.”
Kurt’s face stays carefully neutral, but the moment feels heavy and hangs between them as they look into each other’s eyes. Finn feels a weird tension in his gut, but with Burt and Carole so nearby, Finn pulls away from it. He clears his throat, turns back toward the glass, and says the first thing that comes to mind. “And? They make dens from their own poop. That’s badass!”
Just like that, the tension shatters. “They live in their own filth?” Kurt replies. “That sounds more like you than me.”
“Hey!”
“Oh, don’t give me that. I’ve been in your room, Finn!”
Finn can feel his brows lower in confusion, but when Kurt grazes their shoulders together as he walks away, Finn forgets Kurt’s words in the way his nerves tingle at the sensation.
---
In one section of the park there is carnival-like area with games of skill that offer fluffy, stuffed zoo animals as prizes. Burt sees a basketball shooting game and brags a bit to Carole about how he could beat anyone in the park. Finn’s a little surprised because he’s never heard Burt talk about playing basketball before and he’s certainly never played with Finn, but maybe that’s because he doesn’t want to worry Kurt. Carole smiles sweetly up at Burt, bats her eyelashes, and suggests a face-off.
Kurt puts a hand on Finn’s arm. “Is she sure she wants to do that? It’s been a while, but I’ve seen Dad play and he’s pretty good.”
Finn feels a sly smile creep onto his face. “Oh, yeah. Mom was on the All-Ohio team in high school. She’s gonna wipe the floor with him.”
Finn and Kurt watch as Burt and Carole fight tooth-and-nail to beat each other, but they are surprisingly evenly matched. After a couple of rounds, the pair looks like they might rematch all afternoon, so Kurt drags Finn off to find their own diversion. As they walk around Finn sees a cool, western-themed shooting game that has little moving ‘varmint’ targets. Finn can’t get his money out of his pocket fast enough.
Finn tries a couple of rounds, but with ten shots he can only manage to hit a couple of targets, which isn’t enough to win a prize. He’s honestly not that concerned with the prizes-they’re mostly cheap, kid-sized cowboy hats and Sheriff Badge pins-because it’s a matter of pride.
After another two rounds, Finn is almost ready to throw the stupid fake gun. “This thing is rigged! No one can win at this.”
Kurt takes the gun gently away from Finn and lays his money smoothly on the counter of the booth. The attendant sets the game in motion again, and with seemingly little effort, Kurt manages to hit eight targets, which is enough for a top shelf prize.
“Dude,” Finn gapes. Kurt must be some sort of superhero. “Remind me to bring you along if there’s ever a zombie apocalypse.”
“As touching as it is to know that you would need to be reminded not to leave me to the zombie horde, I think I’ll pass.” Kurt flicks his head even though his hair is still perfectly styled. “You’d just slow me down.”
Finn doesn’t have time to argue his usefulness before the game attendant is showing Kurt his choice of prizes. Kurt just waves his hand palm-up over them, indicating that Finn gets to choose. There’s a shiny, six-shooter cap gun, some tie-on spurs, and ooh, a thick, distressed leather wrist cuff. The cuff fastens with two snaps and it’s not usually Kurt’s kind of thing, but Finn figures he likes taking fashion risks. Besides, Kurt would look kind of tough and amazing in it; the dark, worn leather against the flawless cream of his skin. Finn shakes himself out of that thought process and picks up the accessory. “We’ll take this one.”
Finn and Kurt clear out of the way for the next people in line and Finn holds out the prize to Kurt. Kurt shakes his head. “No, that’s yours.”
Confused, Finn argues. “But you won it, man!”
“Yes…” Kurt’s eyes dart off to Finn’s far left and then back to meet Finn’s eyes. “But I won it for you.” He points a finger. “And don’t argue! Just don’t say I never avenged your injustices.”
Finn knows that arguing with Kurt is never a good idea, so he looks at the cuff in his hand and tries to figure out how he’s going to put it on. He tries wrapping it around his left wrist but as soon as he brings one end around to meet the other, the band slips and the fasteners don’t meet.
“Here.” Kurt wraps his hand around Finn’s relaxed fist and draws it into him. He takes the cuff from the other hand, presses the leather to Finn’s skin, and snaps the fastener. It’s a tight fit so Kurt has to grip Finn’s hand firmly to turn the cuff so that the snap rests perfectly centered at the pulse point on the underside of his arm.
Finn knows how he should be feeling right now; he should feel grateful. He should be glad that his mom married Kurt’s dad, because now he has this: a brother who will step in when Finn’s in over his head; who will do what he can to soften Finn’s blows regardless of their triviality. It should be a bonding, familial moment; Finn should sling his arm around Kurt and ruffle his hair until he grimaces, but instead Finn can’t help focus on the way that Kurt’s hand is big and strong and capable, but so soft. Kurt lets Finn go with such casualness that Finn knows that if there was a moment of tension, it was his alone.
Finn opens and closes his hand as he inspects the leather band. He’s not sure he can pull it off. “What do you think? Does it make me look tough?”
When Finn looks up to meet Kurt’s eyes, Kurt’s already watching him. “’Tough’ wasn’t the word I was going to use, but… it suits you.”
For some reason, it feels like a huge validation. “Yeah?”
Kurt’s smile is soft. “Yeah.”
---
For as warm and sunny as it was at midday, the afternoon feels decidedly more spring-like when dark, ominous clouds blow in at a rapid speed. Kurt and Finn rush back to the basketball game, but Burt and Carole are no longer there. Kurt texts Carole to find her and Burt, but before he can even get the phone back in his pocket, the sky opens up. Kurt squeaks indignantly before taking off in a run with Finn trailing behind him. The best cover they can find is a tree, but water still slides off the leaves and onto their heads.
Kurt holds his hands above himself for protection and his expression is pained. Finn feels the chilled water seep through his shirt onto his shoulders, causing his core temperature to drop rapidly. It’s instinct that causes Finn to step into Kurt’s space and wrap around him until Finn’s forearms span Kurt’s back, blanketing him as best he can. Finn lays his cheek on Kurt’s hair-it’s too wet to be salvageable anyway-and with that simple movement, Finn feels Kurt freeze stiff. Suddenly Finn becomes truly aware of what’s he’s doing. The gesture had been made with complete innocence, but with Finn’s recent admission, he can imagine what Kurt is thinking and wants to kick himself.
Finn squeezes his eyes shut hard once and then opens them again, gathering the strength he needs to let Kurt go; to let him go and know that it’s his fault that expressions of affection between them will forever be stilted and questionable. Finn pulls his face back, but as he does, he can feel Kurt reanimate, lowering his arms from where they’d been hovering strangely in the air at his sides. Kurt loops his arms around Finn’s middle, the loose circle of his arms resting in the small of Finn’s back. They’re pressed tightly enough together than Finn can feel when Kurt relaxes and exhales.
Finn’s heart races as he and Kurt stand perfectly still under that tree as the summer storm rages. If he’s honest Finn doesn’t even feel the rain anymore because all his senses are focused on every miniscule movement of the person in his arms. Finn thinks that if it is still raining, the drops probably turn immediately to vapor upon contact with his suddenly overheated skin.
When Kurt’s phone chimes, Finn loosens his hold on Kurt and steps back, allowing Kurt to pull the phone from the confines of his pants pocket. The noise signals a text from Carole who directs them to meet her and Burt at the entrance. Finn reads the message over Kurt’s shoulder, but it’s mostly an excuse to stand within the corona of Kurt’s body heat.
It’s still raining when the family piles back into the car. All four of them are soaking wet and shivering, but are no worse for wear. Kurt grimaces as he touches the hair that lays flat and sticks to his forehead. When their eyes meet, Finn shakes his hair out like a dog, and Kurt’s resulting look of horror and disbelief makes Finn feel warm again.
“Well, that’ll wake ya up in the mornin’!” Burt declares as he pulls his wet cap off of his head.
“This was not in the weather report,” Carole laments as she digs in her purse for a pack of tissues. “What exactly do meteorologists get paid for, anyway? If I were wrong as often as they are in my job…”
“Babe…” Burt soothes.
“Yeah, yeah; I know. I’m just disappointed our day got cut short. I was hoping we could all ride the carousel and I could take some pictures.”
Burt pets her arm. “Sorry, honey. I promise that the next time I ride a tiger wearing a saddle, I’ll make sure you’re there to record the whole thing.” Carole lowers her brow at him, so Burt pulls her toward him and kisses her hair. “Seriously though? Today was great; it couldn’t have been any better! Right, guys?”
Finn and Kurt are quick to agree, and Carole seems placated. She changes the subject by trying to give Burt advice about the best route to the highway, saying that she knows a shortcut. Burt predictably refuses that he needs help, and their banter turns into white noise in Finn’s ears. He ignores them and turns to Kurt. Kurt, who is wet and miserable but still thanks Carole for taking him to the zoo; who sings like his whole soul is coming out of his body; who can balance chemical equations and cook like an Iron Chef and shoot like that lady in Annie Get Your Gun. Kurt, who sits in the seat across from him, close and pliant enough to touch and yet completely unattainable. Finn leans over, speaking lowly. “Did you have a good time? Even though it got all wet and gross?”
Kurt turns his head sharply, distracted from his task of trying to dry off his phone with the tissues from Carol’s purse. He smiles without teeth, but it’s warm. “It’s not something I would normally do, but… it had its merits.”
Finn nods in relief and sits back in his seat. Burt successfully enters the highway-with or without Carole’s aid Finn doesn’t know-and everyone stays quiet for several miles, listening to the hum of tires on asphalt. Finn reflects for a while before suddenly leaning forward and asking, “So… who won the Basketball Wars?”
---
After their trip to the zoo, Finn is more tragically in love with Kurt than ever. It’s getting really bad too; sometimes his teachers catch him daydreaming about romantic musical numbers, his chin in his hand and his eyes anywhere but at the chalkboard. Nevertheless Finn tries his best to be as brotherly and not-weird as possible, and he can see that Kurt is doing the same. It would be easy for Kurt to avoid Finn, but he doesn’t. In fact he appears to do everything he can to make Finn feel comfortable, like everything is normal between them, and the gesture makes Finn ache. So while he doesn’t draw attention to his feelings for Kurt, he wouldn’t deny them either, not if someone asked. Maybe he shouldn’t do it, but Finn can’t resist but wear his leather cuff every day; sometimes he even sleeps in it if he forgets to take it off. He knows Kurt notices-Kurt notices everything about what people wear-but he never mentions it.
One Monday afternoon Finn watches television in the living room after school. The weather is getting pretty warm, so Finn really wishes he could take his pants off, but Kurt is due home any minute and he does not appreciate finding Finn in his underwear on the “communal furniture.” Finn thinks that after his confession, Kurt would probably appreciate it even less.
When Kurt arrives, he slips in the door and closes it softly behind him. It’s not typical for him; Kurt likes to make an entrance and usually sweeps in like a gale wind. He’s holding a Lima Bean to-go cup, which usually means he’s been with Blaine, but the exhausted look on his face says otherwise.
“Hey,” Finn greets him gently, his upper body turned and focused on Kurt, who startles like he didn’t expect anyone to be there. Kurt hesitates, glancing up the stairs, but then moves around to the front of the couch, sets down his cup and his keys, and sits gracelessly on the opposite end of the sofa.
“Hello,” Kurt says softly. He sits facing the television which currently plays Wizards of Waverly Place, a show that usually makes Kurt sigh in derision. Kurt says nothing.
“Dude,” Finn exclaims as he studies Kurt closely. He’s slouching. “Are you alright?”
“I had a shitty day.” Kurt lays his head on the back of the couch to look at the ceiling. “A shitty, shitty day.”
“Whoa. I’ve never heard you curse before.” Finn is a little bit startled by it. The truth is that the scandal of it would probably turn him on if Kurt weren’t so visibly miserable.
“That’s because it’s crass; but at the moment, I really don’t care.”
“What’s up, man?” Finn stretches his leg and nudges the side of Kurt’s foot with his toes. It’s a testament to Kurt’s mood that he doesn’t jump down Finn’s throat for not respecting his shoes.
Kurt tilts his head to the side to look at Finn. Kurt scans his face, so Finn tries to look as helpful and supportive as possible. Finn expects to see resistance in Kurt’s expression, but he must be too drained because it isn’t there. “I got in a fight with Blaine.”
Finn’s eyebrows shoot up. “You fought with Blaine? You guys never fight!”
“Okay, it wasn’t so much of a fight as… I upset him. We met up after school and we were talking about… some things. I didn’t mean to-I hate hurting him-and now I feel…” Kurt huffs a breath and doesn’t finish his sentence. It isn’t like Kurt to not have the words.
Finn waits until he’s sure Kurt isn’t going to continue. “Do you wanna talk about it?” Finn slides a little closer to Kurt on the couch, just enough to be able to lay his arm along the backrest and reach Kurt’s shoulder with the tips of his fingers.
Kurt shakes his head. “Not really.” He looks at Finn and smiles briefly, but his eyes remain sad. “We’ll be fine, you know. Sometimes we get upset, but we always work it out.”
Finn just nods. “Anything I can do?”
Kurt looks into Finn’s eyes; it’s a heavy look.
Finn smiles reassuringly at Kurt. “Seriously, dude. Whatever you need, you know I’m here for you.” He nudges the curve of Kurt’s shoulder with the pads of his fingers and hopes it feels friendly.
Kurt considers Finn’s offer for what feels like a long time. He must come to a decision, because the lines around Kurt’s eyes relax and smooth as he gestures to the void underneath Finn’s arm. Despite the strength of Kurt’s voice, Finn still thinks he sounds unsure. “Can I just…”
Kurt scoots closer to Finn, his eyes on Finn’s body instead of his face. When Finn comprehends what Kurt is doing, he freezes for a second before realizing he should probably do something. He scrambles to get closer to Kurt, to meet him halfway. His movements are jerky and he winds up jostling Kurt when he knocks their sides together with more force than can be described as smooth. Kurt huffs a laugh though, and for the first time since he arrived home, he looks like he doesn’t want to crawl in a hole.
Kurt leans back to rest his weight on Finn’s outstretched arm, leaving Finn’s hand sticking out awkwardly in the air. They sit with a stillness that makes the motion of their breathing seem dramatic as Finn waits for the strangeness to pass. Finn feels Kurt shift his weight and expects for Kurt to get up and leave, saying that it’s too weird; that he gave it a shot and Finn isn’t what he needs. Instead Kurt shifts his hips forward so that his shoulder can tuck underneath Finn’s, allowing his head to rest on the side of Finn’s chest and making it rise and lower slightly with Finn’s every inhale and exhale. The two sit together, the Disney Channel the only sound in the room, until Carole flings the front door open and tells Finn without looking at him to put his pants on because she’s taking them out to Breadstix.
---
Finn digs in his locker one day after lunch when Rachel strides right up to him with a resolved look on her face. Finn is startled; since their break-up Finn and Rachel have relegated their communication to texting, Twitter, and the occasionally Glee member go-between. If she’s coming to him now, something serious must be up.
“Rachel!” Finn knows his surprise and worry is all over his face. “Is everything okay? Oh god, is it your dad?”
Rachel looks taken aback. “My dad? Why would something be wrong with my dad?”
“Remember that time we were in your basement? And you and your dads were teaching me how to express the drama of the music with my body or whatever and I kinda punched him in the head? I know he said he was fine, but I saw this special on TLC about freak medical conditions-”
Rachel interrupts him with a no-nonsense tone and a stop-in-the-name-of-love hand. “My dads are fine, Finn. That was four months ago! If there were anything wrong with him, certainly we would know by now.”
Finn jabs his index finger into the air for emphasis. “That’s what the man on TLC thought!”
Rachel ignores his point and steps far enough into his personal space that she has to crane her neck up to look to meet his eyes. “Finn, I’m here because I want to talk about us.” She looks down at her hand as she runs the fabric of Finn’s shirt sleeve between her fingers, lifting a shoulder and confessing in her softest, most coaxing voice, “I miss you.” She looks back up at him from under her eyelashes. “I know you miss me, too. I was wrong to let you go, and I’m big enough to admit that now. I think we should talk about a reconciliation. Can I come over to your house after Glee?”
Finn gapes for a moment. “I don’t really think that’s a good idea.”
Rachel blinks in surprise. “Please? I know we have a lot to resolve, but I’m willing to do what it takes to make this up to you.” Her voice is tender yet manic. She’s in pain. “Please, Finn.”
The bell rings. He’s going to be late for English again. Finn reluctantly acquiesces in his rush to get to class, and Rachel walks away, her face full of hope and her steps full of purpose.
Glee isn’t very productive. Nationals are coming up soon, but instead of rehearsing, the entire club takes turns singing about whatever is bothering them. Rachel doesn’t complain, Finn realizes, only because she has the intention of doing the same thing. She makes sure she sings last, having explained once to Finn how being the finale makes sure her performance has the greatest emotional impact. She belts out “When You’re Gone” by Avril Lavigne and she’s stunning. Finn knows the song is for show, but she really means it too, which is the sincerest expression Rachel knows. She’s as beautiful as ever, her presence a force; she’s his first love and she’s hurting. Finn wants to make it better, wants to help her, but he doesn’t want her, not anymore.
As Rachel closes her eyes to sing the bridge, Finn glances over at Kurt. He’s not attentively watching the performance as he typically would. His arms are crossed tightly and tucked into his body, his shoulders slumped and his eyes cast down to the ground. Finn’s seen that expression on Kurt before, and it makes Finn’s stomach clench at the memory. Finn looks back at Rachel just in time to see her open her eyes and sing the final chorus directly to him.
Rachel insists on riding home with him and he can’t bear to refuse. They wait for Kurt at the door to the choir room-he rode to school with Finn that morning-but Kurt tells them to go on without him. Finn wants to reach out to Kurt; to take hold of his arm and tell him that he needs him for this. Finn wants to pull him aside, ask for his help, and tell him that just knowing Kurt is in the house will make Finn stronger, but Sugar strolls up and links arms with Kurt instead, announcing that she wants to buy Kurt things to cheer him up because he looks as sad as the kittens in those Sarah McLachlan commercials. Kurt feigns a smile-even though it’s not really funny and Finn’s not sure it was a joke anyway-and carefully avoids Finn’s eyes. Finn watches Sugar lead him away until Rachel takes his hand and pulls him in the direction of the parking lot.
No one is home when they arrive, so when Rachel suggests they go up to Finn’s room, Finn instead leads her to the den. Rachel talks for a long time, laying out for Finn all the reasons they should be together. She presents them to him like it’s an argument she’s trying to win, like the reason they should be together is a matter of sense. When Finn stands and paces, and it is clear to her that her argument isn’t working, she begins to cry and tells Finn that when she sees her future-wherever and whoever she will be-she sees it with him. He believes her; he can tell when Rachel is being disingenuous and when she isn’t. He can see grief and regret all over her and he can’t stand it, so he gathers her up in his arms, comforting her and breathing platitudes into her hair as she settles.
When she stops crying, she pulls back and looks up into his eyes, her eyelids discolored and puffy. In that moment, she’s the most sincere he’s ever seen her. She smiles and thinks she’s won, so Finn makes his intentions clear. He moves away from her, but continues holding her shoulders in his hands. He apologizes and means it, telling her that there is no chance for them now. Her face crumples again, but Finn continues despite the pangs in his heart. She asks why, begging and pleading, demanding an explanation. Finn knows the real reason, but Rachel isn’t who he’s loyal to anymore, so he doesn’t answer. Instead he consoles her, saying it isn’t her fault; that she was right when she ended their relationship. He assures her that she’ll find someone who is right for her and that she will always hold a place in his heart.
Rachel eventually cries herself out, sitting still and numb. When she’s ready Finn guides her to his truck and drives her home, walking her to her door and kissing her goodbye. It feels like an ending. Their story is over now, and if this were a movie, the credits would be rolling with a sad song dubbed over them. This is real life though, so Finn knows that he’ll keep going and the rock in his stomach will eventually dissipate.
Finn walks in his front door, throws his keys down, and rubs his temples as he considers taking a nap on the couch. When he enters the living room though, he almost runs into Kurt who halts mid-stride with a glass of water in his hand. The sight of him makes the tension and exhaustion in Finn’s shoulders dissipate a little. Finn exhales, “You’re back.”
Kurt looks around the room before meeting Finn’s eyes and pulling one side of his mouth up in a sick, mock smile. “I do live here, Finn. Sorry if I’m in your way.”
The coldness in Kurt’s voice strikes Finn like a punch to the gut. “What? No, that’s not… I just meant-”
Kurt continues on like a bulldozer. “I suppose some congratulations are in order. Glee’s most privileged power couple is back together! I’m sure Mr. Schue will celebrate by giving the two of you yet another duet at Nationals.” Kurt storms away, body checking Finn with a shoulder in his haste to get past him.
Finn catches and holds Kurt by the elbow, his mind racing to catch up. “Wait! Just wait a minute.” Kurt turns around and the look on his face gives Finn chills. “We’re not together.” He shakes his head, desperate for Kurt to understand. “We’re not… and we’re not going to be.”
Kurt seethes hard enough that Finn can see his chest move with breath. The ire in his voice wanes slightly, but his posture remains board-straight. “Why not?”
Finn guides Kurt forward until Kurt can’t help but take one step closer, until he’s close enough that Finn can smell the product in his hair. Finn’s voice drops in volume involuntarily. “You know why. I told you why.” Kurt inspects Finn’s face, his chest slowing, but still heaving. “I know I haven’t mentioned it, not since that day in the kitchen, but that’s because I didn’t want you to feel weird or… pressured or something. So I’m going to tell you now, but I’ll never mention again, not if you don’t want me to.”
Finn takes a half-step forward, closing the distance between them so that their torsos are parallel and so, so close. Kurt’s eyebrows are drawn and his neck is tilted back, but he doesn’t step away. Finn’s hand still grips Kurt’s elbow, so he relaxes it and dares to run it slowly up Kurt’s arm and over his shoulder until his fingers inadvertently graze Kurt’s neck. Kurt’s lips part.
“Kurt,” Finn sighs, near enough that Kurt must feel his breath. “You’ve gotta know that I-”
The sound of the key in the door is so loud and unwelcome that it genuinely startles Finn. Kurt jumps away from Finn and freezes, but they are both still tellingly close. Burt throws the door open, greeting Finn and Kurt before slowing his movements and looking between the two of them with narrowed eyes.
“I have homework,” Kurt says in a rush before uncharacteristically barreling up the stairs. It would be funny if Finn’s heart weren’t beating so hard.
Burt watches Kurt run up the stairs before turning back to Finn. He walks toward him, and Finn momentarily worries about what is going to happen, but as he walks past Finn to enter the kitchen, he hesitates in front of him just long enough to go, “Mm hmm.” Finn lets out his breath in a rush.
---
The next few days are an exercise in torture. Finn felt something that night with Kurt, something crackling and tense, and he’s pretty sure it wasn’t just on his side. Despite seeing Kurt every day, it never feels like the right time to bring it up again or pick up where they left off. Over the next week, Kurt meets up with Blaine a couple of times after school and Finn hangs out with the guys on the weekend. When they’re both at home, Burt and Carole are too, and the situation seems too delicate to risk being interrupted again. The tone of their interactions, as brief as they may be, are different now. When Kurt catches Finn looking a little too long, Finn doesn’t bother trying to hide it anymore.
Late one evening, Finn sits at his laptop in his room. He is supposed to be writing an essay for English, but instead he’s surfing the Net. He thinks to himself that the only time he ever surfs the Net is when he’s supposed to be doing school work. He hears a knock at his door.
“It’s open,” Finn replies. He looks over to his door just in time to see Kurt enter, close the door softly behind him, and walk to the center of the empty floor space. Finn can’t contain his pleasure and smiles without reserve. “Hey, man! How was-”
“Blaine kissed me today.” Kurt stands tall and still with his hands clasped, watching Finn intently and waiting, his face neutral. To an outsider it might seem like Kurt has no opinion on the idea at all.
“Oh,” Finn breathes. Just like that, Finn can feel every inch of ground that he and Kurt have made crumble out from under them. Finn takes a moment to gather his strength and forces a smile. “That’s great… right? It’s what you’ve been waiting for.” Finn stands up, coming face-to-face with Kurt. “I’m happy for you.”
Kurt tilts his face up to maintain eye contact. He still looks like he’s waiting for something.
Finn throws caution to the wind and hugs Kurt, Finn’s body weight hitting him with more force than he means. It either knocks the wind out of Kurt or he gasps; Finn can’t really tell. Finn holds Kurt-clings to him if he’s honest-bent over and pressing his face into Kurt’s neck. He’s soaking him up. It’s pathetic, and he knows it, but he has no pride anymore; not with Kurt. If this is all he gets, then he’s going to take it.
Time passes and Kurt pulls back, gently pushing Finn away. When he does, his cheeks are wet and his eyes are red. He’s crying.
“Whoa.” Finn holds his hands out like he’s trying to stop the room from spinning. “Okay, apparently I’m missing something.”
“Why did you have to do this?” Kurt’s voice wavers with such emotion Finn feels it in his gut.
Finn searches his mind for an explanation. He doesn’t come up with anything. “I don’t know what you mean.”
Kurt throws up his hands and turns for the door. Instead of leaving though, he spins back on Finn, gesturing wildly. “You screwed me all up, that’s what you did! Today should be the happiest day of my life, and now…”
Finn waits. Whatever Kurt is going to say next is important, and his pulse races at the knowledge.
Kurt doesn’t continue though. He just stands there looking wrecked, his face streaked with color and salt. He looks so young. “I’m sorry,” Kurt barely whispers. “I shouldn’t have… I’m sorry.” Kurt turns quickly and rushes for the door closing it swiftly behind him. Finn considers chasing him but is too stunned to move. Finn stares at the closed door for a long time.
---
Hours and one really awkward dinner later, Finn lies on his bed staring at the ceiling. It’s times like these he wishes he had a poster up there; at least it would give him something to look at while he torments himself. Generally Finn can fall asleep standing up-sometimes while in the shower with the water running-but when he closes his eyes this night his mind screams, so he keeps them open. It won’t be the first time he’s lost sleep over Kurt.
Finn startles as he hears his door open loudly in the silent stillness of the dark house. He sits up reflexively and instantly wonders where his baseball bat is.
“I want to have sex, Finn.”
It’s Kurt… not a burglar or home invader or anything. Finn’s panic begins to subside, until Finn realizes what Kurt has just said.
Finn’s eyes go wide. He looks around the room for creepy clowns or something else that would indicate that this is a dream. “Right now?” Finn asks, pointing down to the floor to punctuate his thought.
Finn can see Kurt roll his eyes in the low light from his bedside lamp. “No, not right now. But someday!” He walks up to the side of the bed, right up into Finn’s personal space, challenging him. “I want a real relationship. One with all the bells and whistles. I want love and romance and, yes, sex. I want a boyfriend who wants me, Finn… Not one who thinks that they can if they try hard enough.” Kurt’s resolve strengthens. “It’s what I deserve.”
“Is that what you’re worried about? That I don’t want you?” Finn tips his chin to meet Kurt’s eyes. He’s so close.
“You like girls, Finn. Lots of them. And it’s…” Kurt sighs. “It’s fine! You like what you like, and that’s fine. You’re confused right now, and that’s okay too, but… I can’t do this. I can’t be your experiment. I’m sorry.”
The confession hurts like a physical blow. Finn watches Kurt as he stands at the edge of Finn’s bed asserting himself, and Finn wants to touch him. He wants to comfort him and hold him and get his hands in his hair. He wants to pull Kurt into his bed and feel him against his body until his rigid posture softens and they mold to each other. If that isn’t wanting Kurt, then what the hell is it?
“Kurt.” Finn tries to say more, but he isn’t sure what to say. He reaches out with his left hand and pulls Kurt’s right arm away from his body where he has his arms crossed defensively. The touch starts at the elbow, but as Kurt relaxes his arm down to his side, Finn softly grasps it. His hand wraps around Kurt’s forearm, but not all the way. Kurt is thicker and sturdier than people give him credit for, and Finn thinks that Kurt needs someone to notice these kinds of things about him, things that most people don’t see. Finn wants to be that person. His hand slides down Kurt’s arm to his open, relaxed hand and grasps it. Kurt doesn’t immediately react; his hand remaining loose as Finn holds it. When Finn finally feels Kurt’s fingers twitch and his fist close firmly, Kurt’s eyes are closed and he exhales slowly. It’s shaky. Kurt’s whole body is shaky.
Suddenly, something is very clear. Kurt is scared. He’s terrified. Finn realizes that there’s no real reason for Kurt to be here right now; he doesn’t owe Finn anything. He didn’t have to tell Finn about kissing Blaine and yet here he stands, open and vulnerable and not bothering to hide it.
Finn understands that Kurt needs something from him, and the thought spurs Finn to start talking without plan or preamble. “I know this is scary. It is for me, too. I don’t know what I’m doing here either.” Finn looks down and shakes his head a little. He squeezes Kurt’s warm, broad hand in his and continues, looking up again. “I can’t promise you that I’ll be exactly what you need, or what you deserve. Not because you’re a dude, but because… that’s what relationships are. You never know until you try it out, right? And I want to try, Kurt. I’ll try so hard." He knows he’s probably clasping Kurt’s hand too firmly, but he is kind of afraid that if he doesn’t, Kurt will slip away, out of his grip and out the door. If Finn’s going to be rejected, he at least wants to hear it directly, right now. He opens his eyes again to see Kurt staring at him intensely. He looks like he’s going to cry again.
“Kurt? Oh god, don’t cry!” Finn uses his free hand to pat and rub Kurt’s upper left arm. “Just say something, okay? You’re freaking me-”
Suddenly, Kurt yanks his hand free from Finn’s grasp. Before Finn can question it Kurt leans over, takes Finn’s face in his hands, and kisses him. Finn is stunned still, and by the time he realizes that he should be kissing back, Kurt has already pulled away. Finn’s body leans involuntarily forward, searching Kurt out, but Kurt’s gentle hold steadies him. Kurt looks uncertain, his eyes flicking back and forth between Finn’s when he whispers, “…okay?”
Finn can’t keep the awe off of his face. “Yeah. Yes.”
Finn pulls Kurt back down slowly to give him a chance to pull away, but Kurt flows to him like water. Finn doesn’t waste the opportunity; he feels the strong cut of Kurt’s jaw on his over-sensitive fingertips and brings their lips together. Finn has to tilt his head back and bare his throat to reach.
Finn wonders if he should try to prove something with this kiss. He wants Kurt to feels his love, his frustration, his need until Kurt is as screwed up and off-balance as Finn has been these past months. Kurt doesn’t give him the chance, though. Kurt really kisses him; he draws Finn into his arms, encompassing him, overwhelming him until Finn forgets that he has any agenda at all. Finn gets swept up in him, in Kurt, giving and taking and being taken.
It’s instinctual for Finn to scoot back farther onto his bed. He doesn’t mean anything by it; he just suddenly remembers that Kurt is still upright, which seems both unfair and impossible because if Kurt’s legs feel anything like Finn’s do, he has no business relying on them. Kurt follows Finn, mouth-to-mouth, until his knees dig into the edge of the mattress and hold his weight. He leans forward as far as he can, still following Finn with his torso but leaving his feet planted firmly on the floor. When Finn pulls back too far for Kurt to reach, the kiss breaks and leaves the two gasping and staring, mingling their breaths together.
Finn immediately and wordlessly takes Kurt’s hand again and pulls it gently toward him, coaxing. He doesn’t think at all; he relies on his feelings only, every part of his body telling him that Kurt is too far away and that they’ve spent too much time being apart already. Kurt leans back, pulls his hand from Finn’s, and shakes his head in quick, violent motions.
“Hey, no…” Finn crawls forward again, holding his hand out to Kurt, but afraid that a touch would further spook him. “I wasn’t… I didn’t mean it like that. I wasn’t expecting…”
Kurt breathes out air that he may have been holding. “No, I know. It’s fine.” He smiles weakly. He’s trying to reassure Finn, and it makes Finn’s chest feel like it could burst. “It’s just… when I walked in here, I wasn’t expecting this to happen. I hadn’t even considered that it might happen. I was planning to draw a line and to stand behind it.”
Finn’s not exactly sure what Kurt means by that, but he can guess. “And now?”
Kurt looks to the ceiling and throws his hands up dramatically. “I don’t know! This isn’t exactly how I imagined this going.” He’s speaking loudly and with force, and it makes Finn smile to himself. In this moment Kurt is big and theatrical, which means he’s at ease. They just kissed, and Kurt is more himself with Finn than he’s been in weeks.
“It’s late,” Kurt says unexpectedly, as if it’s suddenly become late and it wasn’t a second before. “I should call Blaine. I’m sure he’s waiting on me to exfoliate.”
Finn laughs more than it requires; he just feels so good. “Yeah, man. Of course.”
Kurt turns towards the door but stops short, hesitating before turning back to Finn. He walks back to the edge of the bed and leans into Finn’s space. Finn just waits, motionless and hopeful, his chin tilted up again as Kurt leans in and kisses Finn with sweet, light pressure on his mouth. “Goodnight, Finn.” It’s almost a whisper.
Kurt slips out of the room without a sound, and suddenly everything in Finn that was keeping him upright evaporates as his back falls onto his mattress. Now that Kurt’s gone, Finn’s room seems still and dim and about twenty degrees colder. Finn shimmies up to his pillow and uses his toes to dig his legs under the disturbed covers. He knows that Kurt is nearby, just on the other side of the wall behind Finn’s headboard. Lately that thought has confused and unsettled him, but it’s different now. He’s still unsettled, but now it’s because his skin is humming and he’s hyperaware it's need. It feels good. Finn’s body is in turmoil, but his mind finds peace, and he falls asleep mere seconds after his head meets the pillow.
Part Three
Masterpost